Ares:  Goddess Of War

by Murphy

  This is another story the muse slapped at me in the shower. Normal disclaimer. Alt FF. Mild violence, mostly humor. Ex-Guards you are the best! Thank you to my betas Becky Lovall, Sue Rice, Cindy (ForevaXena), and Taleweaver.

High up on Olympus, Zeus was deciding on Ares’ punishment for messing with mankind one too many times, namely one human in particular, the Warrior Princess, Xena. He could not seem to leave this woman alone. Granted she was attractive and he himself certainly had an eye for the ladies. However, his son seemed to be obsessed, even jealous of the warrior’s little companion. Zeus was so heavy in thought he did not hear his daughter of love appear.

"Yo Daddy!!" Aphrodite was waving her hands trying to get her father’s attention. He finally turned.

"Yes daughter." He said a bit irritated. He was not in the mood and didn’t have time for her antics today.

"I take it the other Gods got together and want you to teach dark and tacky a lesson?" She crossed her arms and looked at him.

"Yes daughter, and as you can see I am busy right now." He blew her off by walking away.

"If you would stop and like listen to me I have an idea and it will only take a day to make him beg." She said proudly.

"Well daughter let’s hear it" He just wanted to hear her so she would leave.

"Make Ares female and human for a day, no powers." She knew this would make her brother go wild.

"Hmmmm." Zeus was amazed by this idea, especially since it was coming from Aphrodite. He tapped his chin thinking this might work. It would get the other Gods off his back and would not do too much damage to his son. Ares just might learn something, he hoped.

"Very good idea daughter, very good indeed." He sent a ball of lightening towards Ares’ temple, while his daughter clapped and squealed before disappearing. Now that it was done Zeus sat back and just hoped for the best.

Aphrodite hurried to Ares’ temple just in time to see the bolt hit. Soon there was a huge flash and a screaming Ares. When all the dust settled and the screaming stopped there stood a medium height woman with dark hair and eyes in men’s leather clothing.

"What in Tartarus happened?" Ares was shocked and looked around quickly. He knew he spoke it but where was the woman’s voice coming from? Then he heard his sister cackling in the corner and stomped his way over.

"Why are you laughing?" He/she glared. "What's so funny?" looking around for the woman. "What happened and where is that damn woman?" He was getting very mad. 

"Look in the mirror stupid." She said in between giggles. She watched as he went into the other room.

"Ahhhhhhhh." The Goddess of Love heard from the other room, which made her laugh even harder. Ares came out of the room pale with huge eyes looking at her.

"YOUUUUUUUUU!!!" He went charging towards his sister. "You did this." He tried to send a bolt at her but couldn't.

"Think again warrior bro, or is that sis." Then she started to laugh again. Oh this was too good.

"Wh.., Ho.." He was stuttering trying to find a word.

"Problem big sis?" If the Goddess of Love did not stop laughing soon she just might burst.

"I have knockers." He/she said while grabbing them.

"I see." She tired to keep a straight face but failed. "By the looks of you, you like the feel also." With all this laughing she would have to give herself many facials to make sure she didn't wrinkle. The Goddess of Love shouldn't have wrinkles.

"Why would Zeus do this?" He knew the only one who could take powers was his father.

"Paybacks are a bitch." She took a breath, but was laughing too hard. "The Gods are not too happy with the way you mess with mankind or should I just say the Warrior Babe." She gave one last giggle and was gone.

"Shit, shit, shit!" How was he going to get out of this? "You can't do this! I am the God of War!!" She threw her arms in the air and the pants that were now too big fell to the ground. As she studies the pants on the floor she mutters.

"Aphrodite you get back here now."  She yelled until a flash came from behind.

"You bellowed?"  She just hated being late for her facial.

"Can you at least get me some clothes and zap me to where Xena is?" Being the Goddess she is, she took pity and did what he asked. She also knew Xena would flatten him. With a wave of the hand the new Goddess of War was clothed and on her way. "I have to get freshened up fast before I miss something good."

Ares found himself falling fast and landed with a big thud on the forest floor. After saying ouch and a few swear words, he stood just in time to be decked.

"Do you have a death wish?" Ares turned to see a pissed off Warrior Princess.

"Did you have to hit me?" He, now a she, grabbed her nose.

"Yes." Then Xena punched her again.

"Ow! What is you problem Xena?" Said Ares who now had a fat lip. "The little bard stop being your crotch lizard?" That earned Ares another punch and a kick for good measure. Ares next felt the pinch being put on.

"I have just cut..." Before Xena could finish the mysterious woman interrupted,

"I know, I know." She said in between gasps.

"I'm Ares the God of War." She squeaked out. "Put the damn eyebrow down." Right then Xena undid the pinch and waited for more.  "I am being punished by the Gods for interfering with mankind." 

Xena rolled her eyes and put her sword in her scabbard.

"Am I being punished also?" She crossed her arms. "Why are you here?" She knew the answer but wanted him to beg. She felt Ares presence and saw the flash, but when a woman appeared it confused her.

"I need your help." Ares looked at Xena.

"Read my lips Ares, Kiss my Ass!" She said with a smirk

"All the years I longed to hear that Xena." Ares smirked back. "Maybe another time...right now I want my winky back." He thought for a second that Xena  might want him more if he stayed this way, but he was used to being a man. Without all the hair he used to have on his body, it was getting very cold. Plus he couldn't get over the urge to fondle his breasts.

"Let’s head back to camp, I need to get my wife up." Xena growled. They were making their way back to camp when they heard the faint sounds of snoring. Xena smiled, her wife could sure sleep.

"Gabrielle honey, wake up." All Xena got was a grunt and a half-snore as she watched Gabrielle turn to her other side. Xena chuckled. She knew it would take more to wake the bard. Xena reached her hand under the cover and found one of her wife’s many tickle spots.

"Yowie!! @%^#$@@#$~&^^*^&()_&*$%#!" One angry bard jumped, still swearing up a storm. "Xena!!" Gabrielle glared. "You know I hate it when you tickle me awake." Then came a bardly growl. Gabrielle looked over her wife’s shoulder to see a young woman standing there.

"Who's that?" Asked a still miffed bard.

"Ares" Xena answered quickly.

"Oh, hi." Gabrielle said before lying back down to do a good stretch. Then it dawned on her. Did Xena say Ares???? She popped back up fast and looked.

"Ares...Ares?" Gabrielle was very puzzled. "I know I just woke up, but that is a woman." Xena chuckled and gave her a peck.

"Gods she's so blonde." Ares was not a happy person right now.  Right when Xena was going to deck him again she heard her wife say,

"Yep, it's Ares." Rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. "Went from being and asshole to a bitch." Now Xena was laughing and Ares was frowning.

"Listen, just help me and I will be out of your way." Ares growled

"That would be a first." Gabrielle came back.

"Want a piece of me you little irritating harpy?" Ares got into a fighting stance.

Xena looked over towards her wife. "Oh no, firey green eyes. Well at least this time it is not me who is pissing her off. Add the fact she just woke up and is very hungry. This will not be pretty." She watched as the bard stood up, dusted her hands off. Walked over to Ares with staff in hand. Xena did a bunch of sympathy ouches for Ares, then sort of cowered by a tree as her wife stomped off to the lake.

"She insane!!" Ares yelled from the ground. "How do you put up with her?" He had a look of shock.

"She isn't insane, just pissed and hungry." Xena smirked. "For your second question, I love her." You stay here and treat your face. She threw her healing kit to the fallen woman and went to join her wife for their bath. For some reason seeing her wife this way aroused her; time for some bard.

Ares sat for a long time wondering why him. "I am the God of War." He looked down. "Oh yeah, this sucks. How do women fight with these things?" Referring to his new breasts. "I am not a bad God. I was born for war. It is not my fault." He was balling up a storm. Ares did not realize he sat there for so long, the girls were back and standing in shock that he was crying.

"You’re crying!" Gabrielle said wide-eyed.

"Duh!" Ares barked back.

Xena was wondering how would she survive this. Both girls helped him stand up and treated his wounds. 

"You know you have such pretty eyes." Gabrielle said hoping Ares would feel better.

"Thank you, but there are not as nice as yours." Ares smile faded

"Ahhhhh, I am acting like a woman." He jumped up and started to pace. "What’s next ,"he thought ... "shopping, flowers?? I will never make it."

"Ares!" Xena got his attention. "We are going to the next village to meet Joxer at the Inn, you are welcome to come." Xena just wanted to get on the road and get this day over with. Bad enough they agreed to meet Joxer, but now this problem with Ares.

"Maybe you can come shopping with me." Gabrielle was happy to have someone to go with her. Xena was always grumpy when she made her go. Gabrielle had a smile with a bounce in her step. 

Ares turned to Xena and asked.  "Kill me please." He looked up at Xena with pleading eyes.

"Better you then me." Xena mounted Argo and was off.

"Maybe shopping will not be too bad, these shoes just don't match this outfit." Ares stopped in mid walk. "ARGHHHHHHHHH, I hear you laughing!" He could just hear Aphrodite cracking up.

The trip to the village took most of the afternoon, almost into evening.  Xena was grateful to see the village ahead. Gabrielle talked nonstop and Ares whimpered nonstop and it was getting on her warrior nerves. Xena also wanted to stop at Aphrodite's temple to see how she could get rid of Ares.

"Why don't you two find Joxer and order some food while I will get Argo settled." Xena turned fast not giving Ares a chance to say no. She got Argo stabled then went to the Goddess of Love's temple.

"Aphrodite??" Xena yelled and then there was a smell of perfume and a pink flash of light.

"Warrior Babe. How's life with big sis?" She was giggling. Xena couldn't help it, she was laughing also.

"How long is Ares going to be like this?" Xena's laugh stopped at the idea of being stuck with Ares. The Goddess explained everything to Xena.  It took forever, she was just laughing too hard. Xena left the temple with a headache and an evil plan. She made her way to the Inn and spotted her friends. This was going to be fun. Xena arrived at the table to find her wife talking, Joxer drooling and Ares drinking heavily.

"About time you got here." Gabrielle looked up at her warrior and smiled.

"Had some business to take care of." Xena smiled back. "Did I miss anything?" She looked over to a rank Ares and an awestruck Joxer.

"Nothing much, I introduced Joxer to our friend Areana." Xena looked at her wife like "Who?" Then she got the hint.

"Hello Joxer." Xena said while extending her hand.

"Huh?" Joxer was just so stuck on this new woman. "Oh, hi Xena." He shook her hand quick.

"Xena?" Ares said very slurred. "Can I speak with you in private?" Xena nodded and walked outside with Ares.

"Yes Ares." The eyebrow went up.

"What is it with you and that damn eyebrow?" She looked up and nearly fell backwards.

"Spit it out, I am not in the mood." Xena's nerves were very tried today.  

"Today went you sent me off with blabbermouth, I felt like this cramping." That was earlier. All the Ale was taking the pain away nicely.

"Cramping?" Xena said. Then watched where Ares pointed.

"I think you are getting your moon cycle." Xena said. Ares was very wide-eyed and pale.

"Oh no you don't!" Xena yelled while grabbing Ares to hold him up. "Come on, let’s get back." She helped Ares back to their table. The evening was going by quickly. They ate, drank and talked. Well Gabrielle and Xena did. Joxer was still attached to Areana and she was busy drinking like a fish.

"You know Joxer?" Ares slurred, head bobbing. "Take care of your penis, you will miss it when it's gone." Then Ares started to cry and Joxer looked puzzled for a minute but the Ale and lust took back over. Xena and Gabrielle were trying hard not to laugh. Gabrielle let a few giggles out and got an elbow from her wife.

"We'd better turn in for the night." Xena said. The girls had one room and Joxer had his own. The girls helped Ares upstairs and said goodnight to Joxer.

Everyone finally got settled. Ares was passed out on the floor and Gabrielle was snoring beside Xena. Xena waited until later to make sure all of them were out. She picked Ares up and took her down the hall. By the time Xena got back to the room Gabrielle was up.

"Xena, where is Ares?" She asked while looking around. Xena got in bed chuckling and just told Gabrielle that he got sick and she had helped him outside. They laid back down and the Warrior waited. A few candle marks later the first rays of light were shinning, lighting the room up. Next thing she heard was a man screaming. Xena knew who it was.

"Gabrielle jumped up." The scream chilled her right to the bone. She turned to see the warrior hysterically laughing.

"Xena?" Gabrielle was starting to laugh also. It was so addictive. The poor warrior was red and gasping for breath. The more the man screamed the harder she would laugh.

"Why are you laughing." The bard said between chuckles. "Shouldn't we go help?"

Xena laughed harder, Gabrielle was starting to wonder if the Furies had gotten ahold of her wife again.

"XENA?" Gabrielle was getting worried. The warrior tried to speak.

"I've gotta pee." Then the warrior laughed harder.

"Why are you laughing?" Now the bard was getting mad. Someone was screaming and her wife was laughing. "What in Tartarus is so funny?" Xena took some breaths to calm herself and wiped some tears from her eyes.

"I went to see Aphrodite yesterday." <Chuckle>  "She told me Ares was being punished for what he did to us." <Chuckle, gasp, chuckle>  "It was only for a day, then he would be turned back." Wiping the tears from her face, she looked over towards her wife.

"You saw how Joxer was looking at Ares?" Gabrielle nodded. "You saw how they were drinking?" Another nod from the bard. "Well, I figured after all Ares put us through we could get even before he was turned back." Xena was hoping her wife would not get mad.

"So last night, I carried Ares and put her in bed with Joxer and sort of made them naked." Xena looked down and was preparing for Gabrielle's wrath. Instead she got a laughing bard. Now they were both cracking up. Their joy was interrupted by a loud banging on their door. Xena motioned for her wife not to laugh and she opened the door. There stood the God of War with only a sheet around him with a look of horror.

"Ares, I see you are back to normal now." Xena bit her lip. "Where did you wonder off to last night?" Ares just looked at her with big eyes. Then she heard footsteps. There stood Joxer with only his pants on, and equally wide eyes.

"Something wrong gentlemen?" Xena did not know if she would make it. They both answered with a big "NO!!" Gabrielle was in bed biting her pillow to keep quiet.

"Now that you are back to normal Ares you can get out of our hair, right?" Ares was staring at Joxer. He could only nod. Ares could not stop thinking that he lost his virginity to Joxer the Mighty. With that thought he shuddered and disappeared. Then Xena heard Joxer say something about going home to his mother for a while. Xena's plan worked well. As soon as she shut the door they both broke out laughing again.

"How long do you think they will leave us alone?" Gabrielle asked her wife who was gasping.

"A long, long time!" Xena had a back up plan if they came around them anytime too soon. Around Ares she would sing the Joxer the Mighty song. Or if Joxer popped up, she would tell him they were on a mission to help Ares.

After all the laughing stopped Xena felt her wife drift off. It felt good to get even with Ares, if only once. Sigh, quiet time with the wife. That was Xena's last thought before joining Gabrielle in slumber.



Return to Main Page