Ares: Goddess Of War
Disclaimer: This is another story the muse slapped at me in the shower. Normal disclaimer. Alt FF. Mild violence, mostly humor. Ex-Guards you are the best! Thank you to my betas Becky Lovall, Sue Rice, Cindy (ForevaXena), and Taleweaver.
up on Olympus, Zeus was deciding on Ares punishment for messing with mankind
one too many times, namely one human in particular, the Warrior Princess, Xena.
He could not seem to leave this woman alone. Granted she was attractive and
he himself certainly had an eye for the ladies. However, his son seemed to be
obsessed, even jealous of the warriors little companion. Zeus was so heavy
in thought he did not hear his daughter of love appear.
Daddy!!" Aphrodite was waving her hands trying to get her fathers
attention. He finally turned.
daughter." He said a bit irritated. He was not in the mood and didnt
have time for her antics today.
take it the other Gods got together and want you to teach dark and tacky a lesson?"
She crossed her arms and looked at him.
daughter, and as you can see I am busy right now." He blew her off by walking
you would stop and like listen to me I have an idea and it will only take a
day to make him beg." She said proudly.
daughter lets hear it" He just wanted to hear her so she would leave.
Ares female and human for a day, no powers." She knew this would make her
brother go wild.
Zeus was amazed by this idea, especially since it was coming from Aphrodite.
He tapped his chin thinking this might work. It would get the other Gods off
his back and would not do too much damage to his son. Ares just might learn
something, he hoped.
good idea daughter, very good indeed." He sent a ball of lightening towards
Ares temple, while his daughter clapped and squealed before disappearing.
Now that it was done Zeus sat back and just hoped for the best.
hurried to Ares temple just in time to see the bolt hit. Soon there was
a huge flash and a screaming Ares. When all the dust settled and the screaming
stopped there stood a medium height woman with dark hair and eyes in mens
in Tartarus happened?" Ares was shocked and looked around quickly. He knew
he spoke it but where was the womans voice coming from? Then he heard
his sister cackling in the corner and stomped his way over.
are you laughing?" He/she glared. "What's so funny?" looking
around for the woman. "What happened and where is that damn woman?"
He was getting very mad.
in the mirror stupid." She said in between giggles. She watched as he went
into the other room.
The Goddess of Love heard from the other room, which made her laugh even harder.
Ares came out of the room pale with huge eyes looking at her.
He went charging towards his sister. "You did this." He tried to send
a bolt at her but couldn't.
again warrior bro, or is that sis." Then she started to laugh again. Oh
this was too good.
Ho.." He was stuttering trying to find a word.
big sis?" If the Goddess of Love did not stop laughing soon she just might
have knockers." He/she said while grabbing them.
see." She tired to keep a straight face but failed. "By the looks
of you, you like the feel also." With all this laughing she would have
to give herself many facials to make sure she didn't wrinkle. The Goddess of
Love shouldn't have wrinkles.
would Zeus do this?" He knew the only one who could take powers was his
are a bitch." She took a breath, but was laughing too hard. "The Gods
are not too happy with the way you mess with mankind or should I just say the
Warrior Babe." She gave one last giggle and was gone.
shit, shit!" How was he going to get out of this? "You can't do this!
I am the God of War!!" She threw her arms in the air and the pants that
were now too big fell to the ground. As she studies the pants on the floor she
you get back here now."
She yelled until a flash came from behind.
She just hated being late for her facial.
you at least get me some clothes and zap me to where Xena is?" Being the
Goddess she is, she took pity and did what he asked. She also knew Xena would
flatten him. With a wave of the hand the new Goddess of War was clothed and
on her way. "I have to get freshened up fast before I miss something good. "
found himself falling fast and landed with a big thud on the forest floor. After
saying ouch and a few swear words, he stood just in time to be decked.
you have a death wish?" Ares turned to see a pissed off Warrior Princess.
you have to hit me?" He, now a she, grabbed her nose.
Then Xena punched her again.
What is you problem Xena?" Said Ares who now had a fat lip. "The little
bard stop being your crotch lizard?" That earned Ares another punch and
a kick for good measure. Ares next felt the pinch being put on.
have just cut..." Before Xena could finish the mysterious woman interrupted,
know, I know." She said in between gasps.
"I'm Ares the God of War." She squeaked out. "Put the damn eyebrow down." Right then Xena undid the pinch and waited for more. "I am being punished by the Gods for interfering with mankind."
Xena rolled her eyes and put her sword in her scabbard.
I being punished also?" She crossed her arms. "Why are you here?"
She knew the answer but wanted him to beg. She felt Ares presence and saw the
flash, but when a woman appeared it confused her.
need your help." Ares looked at Xena.
my lips Ares, Kiss my Ass!" She said with a smirk
the years I longed to hear that Xena." Ares smirked back. "Maybe another
time...right now I want my winky back." He thought for a second that Xena
might want him more if he stayed this way, but he was used to being a
man. Without all the hair he used to have on his body, it was getting very cold.
Plus he couldn't get over the urge to fondle his breasts.
head back to camp, I need to get my wife up." Xena growled. They were making
their way back to camp when they heard the faint sounds of snoring. Xena smiled,
her wife could sure sleep.
honey, wake up." All Xena got was a grunt and a half-snore as she watched
Gabrielle turn to her other side. Xena chuckled. She knew it would take more
to wake the bard. Xena reached her hand under the cover and found one of her
wifes many tickle spots.
@%^#$@@#$~&^^*^&()_&*$%#!" One angry bard jumped, still swearing
up a storm. "Xena!!" Gabrielle glared. "You know I hate it when
you tickle me awake." Then came a bardly growl. Gabrielle looked over her
wifes shoulder to see a young woman standing there.
that?" Asked a still miffed bard.
Xena answered quickly.
hi." Gabrielle said before lying back down to do a good stretch. Then it
dawned on her. Did Xena say Ares???? She popped back up fast and looked.
Gabrielle was very puzzled. "I know I just woke up, but that is a woman."
Xena chuckled and gave her a peck.
she's so blonde." Ares was not a happy person right now.
Right when Xena was going to deck him again she heard her wife say,
it's Ares." Rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. "Went from being and
asshole to a bitch." Now Xena was laughing and Ares was frowning.
just help me and I will be out of your way." Ares growled
would be a first." Gabrielle came back.
a piece of me you little irritating harpy?" Ares got into a fighting stance.
looked over towards her wife. "Oh no, firey green eyes. Well at least this
time it is not me who is pissing her off. Add the fact she just woke up and
is very hungry. This will not be pretty." She watched as the bard stood
up, dusted her hands off. Walked over to Ares with staff in hand. Xena did a
bunch of sympathy ouches for Ares, then sort of cowered by a tree as her wife
stomped off to the lake.
insane!!" Ares yelled from the ground. "How do you put up with her?"
He had a look of shock.
isn't insane, just pissed and hungry." Xena smirked. "For your second
question, I love her." You stay here and treat your face. She threw her
healing kit to the fallen woman and went to join her wife for their bath. For
some reason seeing her wife this way aroused her; time for some bard.
sat for a long time wondering why him. "I am the God of War." He looked
down. "Oh yeah, this sucks. How do women fight with these things?"
Referring to his new breasts. "I am not a bad God. I was born for war.
It is not my fault." He was balling up a storm. Ares did not realize he
sat there for so long, the girls were back and standing in shock that he was
crying!" Gabrielle said wide-eyed.
Ares barked back.
was wondering how would she survive this. Both girls helped him stand up and
treated his wounds.
know you have such pretty eyes." Gabrielle said hoping Ares would feel
you, but there are not as nice as yours." Ares smile faded
"Ahhhhh, I am acting like a woman." He jumped up and started to pace. "Whats next ,"he thought ... "shopping, flowers?? I will never make it."
Xena got his attention. "We are going to the next village to meet Joxer
at the Inn, you are welcome to come." Xena just wanted to get on the road
and get this day over with. Bad enough they agreed to meet Joxer, but now this
problem with Ares.
"Maybe you can come shopping with me." Gabrielle was happy to have someone to go with her. Xena was always grumpy when she made her go. Gabrielle had a smile with a bounce in her step.
Ares turned to Xena and asked.
you then me." Xena mounted Argo and was off.
shopping will not be too bad, these shoes just don't match this outfit."
Ares stopped in mid walk. "ARGHHHHHHHHH, I hear you laughing!" He
could just hear Aphrodite cracking up.
trip to the village took most of the afternoon, almost into evening.
Xena was grateful to see the village ahead. Gabrielle talked nonstop
and Ares whimpered nonstop and it was getting on her warrior nerves. Xena also
wanted to stop at Aphrodite's temple to see how she could get rid of Ares.
"Why don't you two find Joxer and order some food while I will get Argo settled." Xena turned fast not giving Ares a chance to say no. She got Argo stabled then went to the Goddess of Love's temple.
Xena yelled and then there was a smell of perfume and a pink flash of light.
Babe. How's life with big sis?" She was giggling. Xena couldn't help it,
she was laughing also.
long is Ares going to be like this?" Xena's laugh stopped at the idea of
being stuck with Ares. The Goddess explained everything to Xena.
It took forever, she was just laughing too hard. Xena left the temple
with a headache and an evil plan. She made her way to the Inn and spotted her
friends. This was going to be fun. Xena arrived at the table to find her wife
talking, Joxer drooling and Ares drinking heavily.
time you got here." Gabrielle looked up at her warrior and smiled.
some business to take care of." Xena smiled back. "Did I miss anything?"
She looked over to a rank Ares and an awestruck Joxer.
much, I introduced Joxer to our friend Areana." Xena looked at her wife
like "Who?" Then she got the hint.
Joxer." Xena said while extending her hand.
Joxer was just so stuck on this new woman. "Oh, hi Xena." He shook
her hand quick.
Ares said very slurred. "Can I speak with you in private?" Xena nodded
and walked outside with Ares.
Ares." The eyebrow went up.
is it with you and that damn eyebrow?" She looked up and nearly fell backwards.
it out, I am not in the mood." Xena's nerves were very tried today.
went you sent me off with blabbermouth, I felt like this cramping." That
was earlier. All the Ale was taking the pain away nicely.
Xena said. Then watched where Ares pointed.
think you are getting your moon cycle." Xena said. Ares was very wide-eyed
no you don't!" Xena yelled while grabbing Ares to hold him up. "Come
on, lets get back." She helped Ares back to their table. The evening
was going by quickly. They ate, drank and talked. Well Gabrielle and Xena did.
Joxer was still attached to Areana and she was busy drinking like a fish.
know Joxer?" Ares slurred, head bobbing. "Take care of your penis,
you will miss it when it's gone." Then Ares started to cry and Joxer looked
puzzled for a minute but the Ale and lust took back over. Xena and Gabrielle
were trying hard not to laugh. Gabrielle let a few giggles out and got an elbow
from her wife.
better turn in for the night." Xena said. The girls had one room and Joxer
had his own. The girls helped Ares upstairs and said goodnight to Joxer.
finally got settled. Ares was passed out on the floor and Gabrielle was snoring
beside Xena. Xena waited until later to make sure all of them were out. She
picked Ares up and took her down the hall. By the time Xena got back to the
room Gabrielle was up.
where is Ares?" She asked while looking around. Xena got in bed chuckling
and just told Gabrielle that he got sick and she had helped him outside. They
laid back down and the Warrior waited. A few candle marks later the first rays
of light were shinning, lighting the room up. Next thing she heard was a man
screaming. Xena knew who it was.
jumped up." The scream chilled her right to the bone. She turned to see
the warrior hysterically laughing.
Gabrielle was starting to laugh also. It was so addictive. The poor warrior
was red and gasping for breath. The more the man screamed the harder she would
are you laughing." The bard said between chuckles. "Shouldn't we go
laughed harder, Gabrielle was starting to wonder if the Furies had gotten ahold
of her wife again.
Gabrielle was getting worried. The warrior tried to speak.
gotta pee." Then the warrior laughed harder.
are you laughing?" Now the bard was getting mad. Someone was screaming
and her wife was laughing. "What in Tartarus is so funny?" Xena took
some breaths to calm herself and wiped some tears from her eyes.
went to see Aphrodite yesterday." <Chuckle>
"She told me Ares was being punished for what he did to us."
<Chuckle, gasp, chuckle> "It was only for a day, then he would
be turned back." Wiping the tears from her face, she looked over towards
saw how Joxer was looking at Ares?" Gabrielle nodded. "You saw how
they were drinking?" Another nod from the bard. "Well, I figured after
all Ares put us through we could get even before he was turned back." Xena
was hoping her wife would not get mad.
last night, I carried Ares and put her in bed with Joxer and sort of made them
naked." Xena looked down and was preparing for Gabrielle's wrath. Instead
she got a laughing bard. Now they were both cracking up. Their joy was interrupted
by a loud banging on their door. Xena motioned for her wife not to laugh and
she opened the door. There stood the God of War with only a sheet around him
with a look of horror.
I see you are back to normal now." Xena bit her lip. "Where did you
wonder off to last night?" Ares just looked at her with big eyes. Then
she heard footsteps. There stood Joxer with only his pants on, and equally wide
wrong gentlemen?" Xena did not know if she would make it. They both answered
with a big "NO!!" Gabrielle was in bed biting her pillow to keep quiet.
that you are back to normal Ares you can get out of our hair, right?" Ares
was staring at Joxer. He could only nod. Ares could not stop thinking that he
lost his virginity to Joxer the Mighty. With that thought he shuddered and disappeared.
Then Xena heard Joxer say something about going home to his mother for a while.
Xena's plan worked well. As soon as she shut the door they both broke out laughing
long do you think they will leave us alone?" Gabrielle asked her wife who
long, long time!" Xena had a back up plan if they came around them anytime
too soon. Around Ares she would sing the Joxer the Mighty song. Or if Joxer
popped up, she would tell him they were on a mission to help Ares.
all the laughing stopped Xena felt her wife drift off. It felt good to get even
with Ares, if only once. Sigh, quiet time with the wife. That was Xena's last
thought before joining Gabrielle in slumber.