Gabrielle's Journal Series:  Jealousy

by Murphy

Do not own them and this is ALT! This is number nine!! The fluff will not stop. This has a few poems in it. Thank you for the poems Sam Ruskin!! Thank you for a few pretty words Carole (WomynBard)!  Lyrics by Pointer Sisters!  Deb! Love Ya! Thank you to my beta team: Becky Lovall, Sam Ruskin and LJ Maas. Ex-Guards!! You are the best! Love and Trust, things we all need to learn. Last poem is by Jennifer Noble.

Something’s wrong.
Things aren't right.
And it turns into a silly fight.
You walk out.
I get mad.
And we both just end up feeling bad.
Through the heat of the fire.
And trouble that were going through.
There’s no harm.
There’s no danger.
Because our love is really tried and true.
And I want here beside me.
I need you.
Cuz nobody’s going to love me.
The way that you do.
 Baby won't you come and hold me.
Hold me in your arms.
And I'll tell you that I need you.
I need you.
By my side.
And although were going to fight sometimes.
I need you.
By my side.
Please don't walk away.
And we'll be fine.

Journal entry:

Hello. Well, it has been one of those days where you just want to go back to the pallet and sleep. Xena had me so angry today. She can be so frustrating
at times.

We stopped at some no name little town. We were heading to one the festivals my Amazon sisters throw every year and Argo threw a shoe. The town was not bad, clean, nice people. Xena wanted me to get a room at the Inn and order some food while she handled the blacksmith to care for Argo. Things were going well, I was not paying attention to things like I should. I didn’t notice that I was, as Xena puts it, ‘causing men’s heads to turn.’  I was totally surprised by her growling at me about that. That made things very tense between us. We ate in silence, exchanging very little.

Later, after dinner, she announced she was going to check on Argo, but first she wanted me to go to our room. I was not ready to go up yet. Then, with a
frustrated sigh, she sat down. I asked her what she was doing; I thought she was going to tend to Argo. I was growled at again. She didn’t trust me alone
with all these men down here. That sent me into pissed off bard mode. I was very hurt that she thought so little of me. What kind of marriage will we
have with no trust? An argument broke out between us and it ended with her stomping out the door with a, "FINE!"

I sat there at our table, sipping my drink and fuming, then I heard a voice that brought me out of my haze. He was young and handsome, pretty eyes. He
asked if he could sit down and I just shrugged. He introduced himself as Samuel, a local farm boy. I will admit, I found him attractive, but I was not
interested. I didn’t want to be mean, so I sat there while he talked. I told him my name and what I do. Like everyone else, he was shocked that I traveled
with Xena. Things got a little uneasy; his touches were bothering me so I told him I was married. He grabbed my hand saying he saw no ring. That’s when Xena walked back in, only to see this handsome man sitting by me, holding my hand.

Gods. I could barely get out, "XENA?"

She was out the door and gone. Such a mess. I looked for her a long time and then decided to go to our room, eventually she will show up, and we will talk.

Candlemarks passed and no warrior, I was worried. I went downstairs to search once more when I got the shock of my life. There was my wife with a group of men around her and she was very drunk. What bothered me most, was that she was letting these men touch her any way they pleased. Let’s just say my hackles were raised.

I stormed to the table and she gave me a smirk. I watched as one of the men put his hand on my wife’s breast, asking her to go upstairs. Needless to
say, that bastard ate wood. Then I twirled my staff to show I knew what I was doing and glared. Now, it was Xena and I alone at the table. She looked
at me and reached down for her drink, I slapped my staff on those knuckles so fast all the great warrior could do was yelp. That’s when a huge fight started
between us. I did nothing wrong, but she felt the need to hurt me like this. After I had my say, I told her to sleep it off with Argo and ran upstairs in tears.

My tears were mostly of anger, the sadness.  How could she? I am pacing the room like a trapped animal. I was very close to leaving, but I just want to
write out my feelings before I do something that we will both be sorry for. I started with my poem and it is an angry one.

To XENA....

What is with her lately
    She makes my muscles twitch
I didn't even kiss him
    She's acting like a bitch!

He was just a simple farm boy
    Living off the land
Did it really hurt so much
    I only HELD HIS HAND!

Ye gods. She wants me to wear THIS
How will I get air?
Is it my fault that people look
When she isn't there?

And while we're on the subject
    Princess with eyes so blue
While you think they're watching me
    They're lusting after YOU!

Even my own Amazons
    Knowing that you're mine
Wouldn't hesitate a candlemark
    To cross temptation's line.

OK, I know you're jealous
    And it's sweet, I guess that's true
But you've got to learn to trust me, love
    All I'll ever want is you.

Don't flirt with them...It makes me mad
    I'll try to do the same;
Else jealousy - that green eyed ghoul
    Will make us both insane.

The bottom line for me is this
    Their eyes will always roam
But when the party's over
    It's you who takes me home.

I love you,

I do get upset when we are with the Amazons, they are all over her, but I trust her. When I start to get the green eye, I stop myself or try to. She
just jumped to conclusions and flirted with everyone in that tavern. Letting them touch what is mine, and mine alone. I am torn, part of me wants to leave,
to show her I do not mind, but I do mind.

"I'd Mind"

It wouldn't affect me if the moon didn't rise or the stars neglected to shine
And if I was snowed in for days on end, I'd eat cheese and drink good wine
I  wouldn't be bothered by people or things, over which I had no control
But, if you left, it would feel, my love, as if I'd lost my soul.

Gods, I just don’t know what to do. She has to learn to trust me or we are in big trouble...

<Knock at door>

I lift my head from the journal of woe for today and say, "Yes?" No answer. I grab my staff and slowly, in a ready stance, walk to the door. I get close and
see a piece a paper being shoved under the door. By the time I get there and open the door, no one is there. I bend to pick it up and start to read.

For Gabrielle.....

Gods! You make me crazy woman!
    No. It's not much of a stretch.
But did you have to hold his hand?
That little farm boy letch!

I watch their eyes upon you
    Squirming in their chairs
I see how much they want you
    In the empty, lustful stares.

Oh, Gabrielle, I love you;
    And yes, I am a jerk.
Some days I'm worse than Joxer
    But I want to make this work.

Do you know you take my breath away?
    While my heart pounds in my chest?
Still, I know I don't deserve you
    Any more than all the rest.

But I will tell  you this, my soul,
    Until the ends of time,
I will do all in my power
    To make you glad you're mine.


I walk back to my journal.

Reflections on a Love

There are so many reasons why I love you like I do
and even though I could never list them all
Here is but a few
I love you for your gentleness
Your kind words and embrace
I love you because you're always there
With a smile or comforting look
You know just how to make me feel special
The right kind of gestures and with womanly grace
The way you laugh at my jokes
And listen to my stories even if you've heard them before
I love you when you look in my eyes and smile
Your kiss is so tender and sweet
And when you make love to me
I know you feel it too
I love you when you kiss my tears away
You tell me I can do anything
I love you because you believe in me
You see me for who I am not who I wish I could be
And you show me it doesn't matter
I love you for your sensitivity and gentle emotions
And because you believe dreams come true
You can see a bright future in us
I love you because all this and more
You are the one I will love from now until forever

Relationships are a test, but love will win. As hard as it is, we will make it. Even at times when we would like to kill one another, we are still strong. Now I have to walk to the stable and have a talk with a certain warrior of mine.

Until tomorrow,

Read Journal Entry #10 "Flames"


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