"Life's A Bud"
Disclaimer: This is a very short story! Alt! Hopefully funny! Thanks to RelaxHaveFunWrite list! Special thanks to Archaeobard for a few ideas. There is dirty language, sex terms. A bunch of fun stuff. So lets just have fun! Thanks to my beta Raven.
After a blissful night of sex, Xena laid peacefully next to her lovely bard with a grin. What the Warrior didn't know is, that all was not happy on her body and protest was being made.
"Gods almighty!" Said the right nipple. "I thought the bard would never stop sucking."
"Tell me about it." Left one pitched in. "It will take candlemarks before I will go back to normal." The left nipple felt a little self conscious about itself. "I look like something a dog chewed on for too long." Lefty wanted to cry.
"Yeah, that bard sure could suck a bolder threw a reed couldn't she? The huffy right nipple said, then both nipples laughed.
"Will you two shut up!" Both nipples were quite. "There are others here trying to get some rest." The Clitoris was mad. It would get the most vigorous workout and each time all it would hear afterward was the nipple's bitching complaint.
"I get sucked on too!" But the nipples could not get a word in edge wise. The Clitoris was now in the throws of a memorable rant. "Plus I get poked, scratched, bit, licked, and my all time favorite, rubbed!" Now throbbing mad, the Clitoris huffed, "Don't even get me started on the names!"
"How would you like to be called "Little Man In The Canoe?"
Both nipples sucked in a little. "I know I have a beard around me, but do I look like a man to you?" The Clitoris questioned, throbbing to the point of swelling.
"Oh Gabrielle." The warrior moaned.
"Ohhhhhhhh nooooooooooooo!!!!!" Both nipples cried.
"Stop throbbing you fool." The left nipple yelled down to the Clitoris. "You're turning her on!" They all gasped at the thought of more bard mauling. Quickly the clitoris sucked in and prayed, grateful when the warrior calmed down.
"Thank Godssssss!" All said together. "That was to close." They all said with relief. "All we need it for the bard to attack again." Now all three were laughing.
"You think the Warriors any better?" Gabrielle's privates protested.
"Ahhhhhhhhhh, shut up and worry about your own body!" Xena's nipples and Clitoris blared back.
"Now where was I?" Thought the Clitoris. "Oh yeah, names!" If it had legs it would be pacing. "You are called nubs, buds, pebbles, or even the joke about when you are cold." The Clitoris was heavy in thought. "I, on the other hand am called."
With a deep breath, the Clitoris dove further into the tangent. "Nub, bud, clit, hooded man, bundle of nerves, love button and it all connected to what they call a beaver!" The Clit tried to continue without throbbing too much. "I know we've gotten wood before, but does it look like I have buck teeth to you?" The clit hated the beaver name most of all.
"You know whose fault this really is? The right nipple asked in conspiracy when the Clitoris had finished its tirade. "The Brain's!" The right one said in outrage when none of the other parts answered. "It's the one that tells the Warrior this is all pleasure while we get eaten alive, literally!"
All three grumbled in unison.
"Brain!!" The three shouted. "We have a gripe with you!" They all planned on giving the Brain a piece of their minds.
"Why are you minor body parts disturbing me?" The arrogant brain said. "I am very busy so make it quick." The Brain, didn't have time for complaints.
"We want to know why when we feel pain you send the thoughts of pleasure to the Warrior?" The Clit took charge. "I know you give us a break during her moon cycle." but right then the nipples protested loudly.
"Speak for yourself, we still get tweaked at that time." Both nipples shuddered at the thought.
"Because I can." Said the cocky Brain. "Like right now I think the left nipple should stand out some." The warrior moaned. If the brain had a mouth it would be grinning.
"No, no, no, no!" The left nipple was panicking.
"I run this body and you will do as your told." Warned the Brain. "Now if you excuse me I have more pressing matter to deal with." The brain blew them off.
"BITCH!" The three said together.
"Lets try to look on the bright side shall we?" The Clitoris tried to reason, the nipples only sighed. "We should be happy we're not a penis." They chuckled.
"Yeah, having to hang around nuts all day." They all laughed together at the thought.
"Why don't we all try to get some rest?" The Clitoris suggested sleepily, reminding them. "We all know what happens before dawn comes."
The nipples groaned, for early morning was the time for the Warrior to get to know herself anew. The Bard, who slept so soundly, would be out of commission until later in the day and the Warrior often felt the need to jumpstart her day.
"At least you nipples are protected behind armor all day." The Clit commented, "I get to bounce up and down on a horse."
"Goodnight Clit." The now sleepy nipples said to their comrade.
"Night Nips." The Clit sighed and followed suit.
The end! Thank Gods!