Gabrielle's Journal Series:  Solan

by Murphy

  Do not own them! Nope, no way! This is number fourteen of the Journal Series. Thank you to my beta team: Becky Lovall, Sam Ruskin, and LJ Maas. Fluff in full force! Deb! Love Ya! Ex-Guards! You are way cool!! Poem one by Susan Polis Schutz.  Poem two by Sam Ruskin.

I want you to have a life of happiness
In order for you to have this
you must have many interests
and pursue them
You must have many goals
and work towards them
You must like what you are doing
You must consider yourself a success
by being proud of doing your best
You must have fun every day
You must listen to your own voice
and not be influenced by others
You must have peace
and not always expect perfection
You must have respect
for yourself and others
My son, as I watch you grow up
I can see you are on the right path
and I am so proud of you
I will always care about you
and your happiness
I love you


Journal Entry:

Hello. I have not written in you for a week now. Things have been very crazy lately. I also found out that my wife has a son. His name is Solan, a handsome boy of ten. He will be tall and he has his mom's eyes, the eyes I love so much. This is all just now catching up with me and I needed to write. I have learned things about her before that have surprised me, but this knocked me out.

At first, I was shocked to find out that my wife had a child. I was a stepmother? We were so busy dealing with Dagnine that we didn’t have a chance to talk. When we did it was a fight. I thought she should tell Solan the truth, that she was his mother. A child needs its mother, but I was a judgmental fool. She told me to mind my own business and stay out of it. Funny, I thought she was my business. I did what she asked and stayed out.

What I did instead was get to know him. He was very misguided when it came to Xena. Kaleipus told him that his mother died and Xena the Destroyer of Nations killed his father, Borias. Watching how my wife ached just to hold him, well it was difficult just to stand by and do nothing. Kaleipus was the Centaur that raised Xena's son. She knew her enemies would mark Solan, so she thought this would be best.

When we first met the boy, he tried to kill Xena, his face full of hate, she on the other hand looked very pale and in shock. I finally asked who he was and she blurted out, he's my son.

Hello?? Gee, it would of been nice to know this.

While Xena was busy planning a defense with Kaleipus, I was getting to know Solan. He was bright, stubborn, and arrogant for a kid that age, so much like his mother. He also seemed to have a good soul, had a bit of the dreamer in him. He spoke of his father and how he wanted to be just like him. He also spoke of a mother that he was told about. I was not happy he was told she died. I made a mental note to have a talk with Kaleipus when the danger was over.

He also spoke of his father’s sword, which he carried with him all the time. He was going to be a warrior, just like him. I did try to talk him out of that. He was very interested in my staff. I told him to hold a sword made him a target, while a staff is for defending only. True you can give a person a world of hurt; still, it is less fatal than a sword. He was listening. I started to wonder if Xena was like him before her village was attacked and she had to change. He is young and innocent, and by looking at him, killing would be the last choice for him. I hope this never changes 

Like always, I wind up a target for a person to pick on. They got Solan and Xena had to come to the rescue once more. When we found Xena, Solan's arm was in a splint. The look on her face was priceless. She had her arm around him and you could see the mother in her. He may have been sent away but they still had that bond. I bet he feels it. Then she goes back into her warrior mode trying to find a way to save us all from Dagnine. Still, in her eyes you could see that longing.    

I see your pain my hard-nosed friend.

You cannot hide from me,

The child you nurtured in you womb

But could not hold nor see.

 The empty arms that ache and burn

With a fire that will not die.

I feel it too. Come here, my love.

It's no disgrace to cry.

You think yourself a demon

Who gave away her kin;

Someone beyond forgiveness,

A monster among men.

At night when you are sleeping

And you think no one can hear,

Your empty arms cry out in pain

For the child you still hold dear.

The world may never understand

The heart you try to hide.

But I am here, My soulmate,

Standing by your side.

My warrior’s arms are empty.

They burn and ache and plead

For the child you think you’ll never hold

Yet still, will always need.


I had an overwhelming feeling to apologize to her. She is my best friend and wife. I should have seen her pain and comforted her, not judged. I don’t know what I would have done in her position, maybe the same thing she did. I would have thought of only my child’s safety. I just want to hold her and ease her pain. The battle had to come first and I was in charge of keeping Solan safe.

Xena kicked butt as usual, saved me, and things went back to normal for the Centaurs. We celebrated the victory and I played kick-ball with Solan by the lake, under the very watchful eyes of his mother. I knew we were not going to stay; she needed to get far away from here. I could feel her pain and it just tortured my soul. Then I heard, "Gabrielle," and knew it was time to go.

It was now time to say good-bye. I walked over to where she was standing by Argo talking with Kaleipus. You can see she was ready to jump out of her skin. She saw me shake Kalepius's hand and she was ready to just take off. I stopped her, begged her to go talk to Solan, as a friend. I told her she would never forgive herself if she didn't. She handed me the reigns and said, "too late," then walked towards the lake.

She was back faster than I thought and the look on her face, it hurt to see it. Her jaw was clenched tight and with such a look of heartache. I said my good-byes, she pulled me up on Argo, and we were gone. I could feel how tense she was, all I could do was put my head of her back and hold her close.

We rode for at least three candlemarks straight, my legs were hurting, and Argo was panting. She was acting like Hades was hot on our tail. I told Argo to stop and pulled on the reigns that were in her hand, Argo stopped. That earned us both a growl, which caused me to reply with a bigger one. I told her it was not going to help matters if we all ended up dead, look at Argo.  Argo was panting too hard to even make a protest in my defense.

We sat there for what felt like forever. I got off and she was frozen on Argo with her head down. A few times, we have traveled past dark and set up camp very late. It is a bitch to do, but as she says, we have to be ready for anything. I grabbed her hand and urged her down. The silence as we made up a quick camp was too much for me.

After eating a cold meal of bread and cheese, she went and started to sharpen her sword. That scraping sound of stone to blade sounded more harsh than usual. She was ready to blow at any moment. I tried to focus on a scroll, and then I heard her miss with the stone. The sword fell and the swearing started. All this time with her, I never heard her once ever miss with that.

When I turned to look, she was bleeding from her right hand. What took my breath away was the trembling chin and her eyes filling with tears, looking at me in total despair. That frightened me. I know it was not the pain from the wound. I ran to her and held her tight as she shook with painful sobs. It took a long time for her to calm down so I could treat her hand. Even when I was tending her wound, she stayed very close to me for comfort. She just needed me to feel safe. That was a switch. 

I stripped her down to her shift, got her to the bedroll, and held her as she spoke and cried. It must have been a funny site to the Gods above, to see this tiny woman hold this tall warrior, but today she felt so small. She cried for the child she had to give up. She told me of his birth, his father, and the Centaurs. She knew when she gave up Solan that the last ounce of her heart was gone. She said that he made her so proud when he threw the sword in the lake, saying he didn’t want to be a warrior. I cried for my wife's pain.

Sleep did not come easy for her tonight; I slipped away so I could work out my feelings. She, at a young age went through too much pain for one person. It amazes me, how she can still be here, standing tall. It makes me love her even more, if that is even possible. I know deep in my heart once Xena and I settle down and have our own children, we will call for Solan, their older brother, my son.

If people could see Xena of Amphipolis and not the Warrior, they would see her. They would see what is in her heart. They would see the woman she really is. She is very human and hurts like we all do. For now, I ask that Solon be safe and that my wife's pain would ease given time. Well, I better get back to her before she wakes up. 

Until Tomorrow, 

Read Journal Entry #15 "In My Life"

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