The Search For Inspiration
by Muzza

Disclaimers:- All the characters in this story belong to me, please do not use them without my permission. If any bands or people sound familiar, it is purely coincidental.

Love/Sex Disclaimer:- This story will contain scenes of sex between two women, if this bothers you than please don't read on. The sex scenes will not be graphic.

Story Note:- This story isn't your typical story it's more of a journal of the characters thoughts and feelings, so there will be grammatical errors. Have you read a journal that was grammatically correct? There are bits of scenes written here as well. Hopefully it isn't too confusing for you. 

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Saturday April 5th 2003

Well Dad, Mam, Michael, Debbie (my sister), David (her boyfriend) and my friends Matthew, Rosalyn and Gary all started helping me with the decorating today. I'm hoping it will all be finished by Monday. We actually did a lot today, the both bedrooms are done. I'm leaving the kitchen and the bathroom as it is so all we have to do now is the living room, which is also the biggest room in the flat. Hopefully I can move in on Tuesday. I would say Monday but all our furniture is in storage and we have to give them notice that we want the stuff back. I phoned them this morning and they've told me the stuff will be delivered sometime Tuesday.

I can't get over the different a drop of paint can make to a flat. The colours in most of the rooms were really awful. Mustard yellow was the colour for the master bedroom, the second bedroom was a horrible burgundy and the living room was a dirty yellow. Now the master bedroom is a mixture of light green and dark green. The dark green is on the bottom half of the wall and the light green on the top half with a stripy black and white border through the middle. It looks really effective and I'm pleased with the way it turned out. The second bedroom is a lilac colour with a deep purple and white border. The living room is going be be cream, it's not the brightest room so hopefully cream will make it lighter. The flat looks so different now and a lot cleaner.

I asked Dad if he wanted to move in with me, so he can get away from my mother and Michael but he said it wasn't worth uprooting himself and the dog, when they'll be moving into a pub in the next couple if weeks. I figured he would say that but I had to ask, I know how uncomfortable he is with my mother and Michael... He feels like a third wheel whose getting in the way, which is understandable really. Buttons, the dog, is 14 years old and he's been moved twice already in the last year, he doesn't need moving now and again in a few weeks. So it is gonna be just me, which I'm pleased about. The only thing I'm not looking forward too is paying the bills. That's where being unemployed sucks. The rent on the flat is ok because that's paid by the government but the electric, gas and telephone bills aren't so that's something I have to sort out. That all comes with growing up though so it's just as easy for me to live with it now.

I met the couple next door earlier Gemma and Ashley and they seem nice enough. They told me if I ever need a hand with anything I can just pop in. Gemma is just 2 years older than me and Ashley is 31. They've got a cute dog named Jessie. So I might make some new friends here after all. It'll be nice to actually get on with my neighbours, that's something that's never happened before. The man who lived next to us in the old house was a grumpy man. He was always complaining about something. When we were in the pub we didn't have neighbours. We'll just have to see how it goes. There's no point in guessing we are going to be friends but it would be nice. I miss having my friends around me, none of them live here, they're all back in Castletown. I've made friends down here, through the pub, but they aren't proper friends. They are the sort of friends who I can go out for a drink with, help out when they need it but they aren't the sort of friends I can sit down and talk to about anything. I miss having that close friend who I can talk to about my feelings, relationship problems and stuff. Other than Ashley and Gemma, I know there's an deaf elderly gentleman in my block as well but I'm don't know who is underneath me. I guess I'll have to wait and see, I'll find out sooner or later.

Anyway I've had a busy day today and I'm pretty beat so I'm gonna go and hopefully get some sleep. Be back tomorrow.


Sunday April 6th 2003

Well today went pretty well. We finished decorating and started to move some electrical stuff in. The cooker, fridge and kettle weren't put into storage so that's in the flat now. I feel a little awkward using the furniture because when my Dad moves into the pub he's going to have to buy more and technically I'm the one who should be doing that. The furniture is my Dad's yet I'm having it because I got my flat first. I've tried to talk him out of it but he says he's happy to give it to me. So I'm having the three piece suite and he's having two spare chairs we had. Luckily we had two of nearly everything so the only things that are worrying me are the settee, fridge, cooker and freezer. I guess it's something we'll have to deal with when the time comes for Dad to move into the pub.

I found out whose living underneath me today. It's a lesbian couple. I also found out how noisy they can be when they are arguing. It's weird and I know it sounds stupid but nearly everywhere I turn there seem to be lesbians at the moment. I'm living in a block of flats with two,  I made friends with a few when I was working in the pub and there are two in band. Natasha is one of them. Talk about a major kick in the teeth, that was a major shock. I don't feel any resentment or jealousy there though. Natasha and Tina aren't a couple and from what I can gather Natasha isn't involved with anyone but Tina is. I read somewhere that in your lifetime for every ten people you know, one will be gay or lesbian. I think through band most of the people I know are gay or lesbian. Some of my best friends are lesbians so don't think I've got anything against them. I'd be a bit stupid if I did have something against them when I haven't quite figured out which way I'm orientated. Sometimes I find myself looking at really good looking men and I wonder why I don't find them attractive. I go through stages where I wonder is my 'crush' on Natasha was more than a crush and my 'love' for Andrew was really the crush. I'm 23 and I can't figure out whether I'm attracted to males or females.... How sad is that? You never know I might actually figure it out by the time this project is finished.

I've been asking myself lately what are the things about maybe being a lesbian that worry me and I think the main thing is what will people think of me. I know that's a thing that goes  through a lot of peoples head though. I have so many family members I don't want to disappoint. I honestly think the only person who might be ok with it would be my Dad, he is the most important person in my life anyway, so as long as he's ok with it then why should it matter what others thing right? I'm the sort of person who worried about what people are saying about me behind my back. I'm worried that my Dad will suffer if I was a lesbian.

I've read that back and it really sounds like I'm living in denial and maybe I am but I'm so worried about making the wrong decision. I know I don't have a choice in who I find attractive or who I want to spend my life with but until I know for sure one way or another, I'm not going to accept one thing.

I don't know how I managed to get that far away from the topic of my flat either. I'm moving in quietly and I'm really excited.... I've got band practice tomorrow so hopefully that will take my mind of the flat until Tuesday.... only one more night in this flat with Debbie and David though, even without my bed and stuff I'm sleeping in the flat tomorrow.

Anyway I'm off now. Hopefully to have a good night sleep. I'll be back tomorrow.


Monday April 7th 2003

Well band was good tonight. It went surprising well actually and we got a lot done, which is a good thing because the competitions start in a few weeks time. The band was really late starting back this year because we didn't have anywhere to practice so where we usually start in January we had to wait until April. Luckily a lot of the hard work was already done. Things like deciding what songs we're going to play. The glock section had been getting together to practice and they know what they are doing. The kazoos know what songs they are playing so all that needs to be worked on is the display and the drumming. The drumming is the easiest part, all we have to do is play along with everyone else. If everything goes this well for the rest of the month we'll be ready for the first competition. The first competition is also a big one. England Vs Wales. The best bands from Wales take on the best from England. England usually have the best bands but for the last couple of years the top bands have really under-performed in England Vs Wales, the top Welsh bands have pulled off some of the best performances though so Wales have won the last four meetings.... hopefully that will continue this year as well. It would be a great day for me because I've never marched on a victorious Welsh side.

Tina spoke to me a lot today, which I thought was a little weird, she only said hello to me last week. She's a really nice woman when you get to know her. We talked a lot about bands and she was surprised to find out I've been in bands for 15 years. She thought I was only about 17. Sometimes getting that sort of thing can be so annoying. Especially when I was buying alcohol for the pub and I was asked for I.D. Luckily I always carry some around with me so I never had the humiliation of being refused. I was told I only look 13 a few days ago, by someone who has known me since I was 7. I think she only said that to make herself forget how old she is getting though. Ok so maybe I look a little younger than I am but I do not look 10 years younger.

I may look younger than I am but mentally I'm a lot older. I had to grow up quickly living with my Dad and my grandparents. Sometimes I forgot what it was like to be a kid... I never had the fun my friends had, I never made the mistakes my friends made growing up. I got grounded by my grandmother for kissing a boyfriend when I was 14, so I didn't try it again until my first serious boyfriend when I was 18. I was always the person my friends turned to for advice about everything, even relationships, which was a laugh. How could I give advice on something I didn't have any experience with? I would have loved to have been a kid of a while... I can imagine it would have been fun.

I did have one of my crying fits today. I don't know what brought it on, I was just sitting on my bed and the tears just started coming. It was nearly 45 minutes before I managed to stop. I really have issues, don't I? Sometimes I wonder if I need to go and see a shrink. It might help me make some sense of my feelings, thoughts and just about anything else I'm having problems with. I hate being this timid, self-conscious and shy. My ex-boyfriend Tony kept telling my I was miserable, just because I didn't smile very often. I try to smile whenever I can but it always looks forced with me. I was told that every morning I should look in the mirror, smile and say I am confident to myself, I did that for 7 months and what for.... it didn't do anything, I just felt stupid.

See I totally changed the subject again. I was talking about band and I ended up talking about me seeing a shrink. I'm sorry if my thoughts are so jumbled they are confusing you, there isn't much I can do about it.

Now to totally change the subject again, I'm spending the first night in my flat now. All I have here is the cooker, fridge, microwave and a hi-fi. I'm sleeping on the floor in a sleeping bag and I couldn't be happier.

I think I did figure out that it's not going to be peaceful here though. I heard the couple downstairs having sex tonight. Not exactly the first night I wanted to have in my new flat but there we go. I was half tempted to tape it and post it through their letter box with a note asking them to keep it down next time. I decided not to. I would have died of embarrassment if that was me though. My view on sex is 'sex is something private that shouldn't be brought outside your home' that includes the vocals that go with it. I'm not sure if the whole block heard them last night, I've lived in a dormitory with six other girls who always had their boyfriends over and they were never that loud. The sex must have been great, is all I can think. ;-)

Anyway I've got a busy day tomorrow so I'm going to go. I'll write more tomorrow night, when I'll be nice and comfortable, hopefully in my own bed. I've really missed my bed and I can't wait to have it back.


Tuesday April 8th 2003

The removal van was here early this morning so everything was in the flat by 2 'o' clock. So all afternoon I've been sorting all the stuff out. My bed is made and waiting for me and I'm really looking forward to getting into it.

I met the couple downstairs today. Emma and Michelle. They both seem nice enough. They are both your stereo-typical lesbians though. I'm looking forward to getting to know them. They've already decided I've got to have a house warming party on Friday. I was thinking about it anyway but they pushed me into it. Now I've got to decide who to invite. The flat isn't big enough to hold too many people, so I could only invite family and a few friends. The list will probably be :-

Dad, Mam, Michael, Debbie, David, Gary, Rosalyn, Matthew, Gemma, Ashley, Michelle and Emma.

Great party list don't you think? I might invite the grandparents as well. That's the grandparents on my mothers side. I doubt they'll come because they don't like me every much anyway. It's weird how I've been alienated from most of my mothers side of the family. I'm not classed as part of the family anymore, I haven't been since my Dad got custody of me. I'm the one who gets invited to a wedding reception while everyone else gets invited to the wedding. I'm the one who wasn't told until three months later that my Grandmother had re-married. That's the way it's always been. I tried to make myself fit in there, especially since I moved to be closer to all of my family, but at the end of the day I will always be a Williams, not a Thomas.

Furniture wish I actually got a lot done today. The three piece suite is in, my bed, desk, computer and TV are all set up. The spare bed is up and all my lights are working. Now this flat feels like home.

I don't know how I'm going to handle the nights though. When I was living with my Dad and he was working nights I would sleep downstairs and stay awake until half an hour before he was due home in case someone broke in. How sad is that? Hopefully being on the first floor means I won't be worrying about that too much.

My hand is aching so much from band last night, I can't even grip a pen properly. It'll probably be like this for a while after practice though. Until my hands get used to the abuse they're gonna get in practice. Luckily I have two days rest before each practice and the comps on Sundays. Although Sunday and practice on Monday might be a killer. It's the part between my thumb and index finger that hurts and I've got an nice blister there as well. Hopefully that will go down soon.

Anyway back to my flat. I'm a little worried about what Emma and Michelle can hear downstairs. Tonight when I was left on my own I could hear them talking downstairs. They were talking normally and I'm a little worried that if we can hear them then they can hear us talking. Do I need to whisper if I want to talk about anything important of secret? I suppose I could ask them but that seems kind of rude.

I had a phone call of Tony today. We chatted for a while. He's finally got a job offer he's pleased with. 45,000 a year and only two days he needs to be in the office, the rest he can do from home. He is still on about moving down this way though because they houses are cheaper. I don't think he will though.... he couldn't handle doing the three hour trip her twice a month when we were seeing each other, so how would he manage to do that twice a week.  It was nice talking to him though. We both agreed to try and stay friends, which was how we started out anyway. I prefer him as a friend. He knows more about me than anyone else does and it's easier to talk to him about things. He hasn't told me he's seeing anyone but I don't think he is because he would be considering coming here to live if he was seeing someone down there. In a way I want him to be seeing someone because he can be getting the sex he wants from her but in a way I hope he isn't because he'll probably start rubbing in how great the sex is and stuff and that isn't something I want to know about. He did tell me that when I want to try having a baby he's willing to help. I.V.F treatment was something I was considering before I met him but it was expensive. Al least if Tony was the father we could do it the 'old-fashioned' way, even if it is uncomfortable, then I could give my child a background. Something I couldn't do if I had a donor and I.V.F treatment.

He said he wouldn't want anything to do with the baby once it was born, which I already knew because he told me that when I had a miscarriage. So any baby would be my responsibility, which would be fine by me, however at the moment I couldn't afford to have a baby. I don't have the money and besides I've just gone back to band and if I got pregnant I'd have to finish straight away and I don't want to.

Anyway I'm starting to get tired now so I'm gonna go jump into my nice, warm, comfortable bed.

Be back tomorrow.

To be continued....

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