HardCore NutCrackers



Disclaimer: You know the drill people, I don’t own Xena or Gabrielle. They belong to the people of RenPics.

Do remember that this is in fun, so it is OK to laugh at the dumb jokes

Warning: The title does not fit the story, it was just something crazy a friend suggested and I just HAD to use.

Feed the bard at nalysia@loveable.com


"Oh come on. The Amazons were never that cheesy!" Gabrielle’s small hand shot out and smacked the stomach of the shaking figure next to her. "Stop laughing, it’s not funny."

"Sorry" Xena got out before she was hit by another fit of laughter which earned her another smack. "I am sorry Gabrielle but that is funny. The thought of you howling at the moon…" her voice deepens and takes on a over dramatic tone, "…tell Sister Sun chases Sister Moon from the sky, amhhh." The small hand shot out and backhanded Xena’s stomach even harder but it did not keep her from another laughing fit as she rubbed the offended area.

"Well it’s not as bad as that ‘wrestling’ match between you and Joxer." The Bard brought up hoping to take the Warriors mind of the overly cheesy Amazons. It worked, now Xena went into a laughing fit thinking of the "death" match with Joxer. She jumped up and imitated the gorilla walk her alter ego did in the ring. Xena hit her chest with her fists and called out. "Me Xena mighty warrior UGH! Killer of Joxers UGH UGH!" Now it was Gabrielle’s turn to lose it bursting into her own fit of laughter and falling against the Warrior when she rejoined the Bard on the couch.

Regaining her composure Gabrielle spoke first. "Where do they get the ideas for this show. I know this stuff was not in my scrolls."

"I want to know what the writers are smoking when they go to work." Xena smiled when Gabrielle giggled again.

"Well whatever it is they must have had a double dose when they wrote ‘Married with fish sticks.’ This season was unbelievable with that whole Twighlight of the Gods thing."

"Yeah, even I couldn’t take on a whole legion of soldiers well I was pregnant." Xena put it.

At that Gabrielle’s head popped up. "That’s another thing. Callisto becoming an Angel, getting you pregnant and becoming the baby! That is just sick in some way."

"Well at least they didn’t write me as stoic as they used to. In the first few seasons I had more testosterone then Herc."

That got the Bard laughing again. "They really over did our characteristics didn’t they. Look at how they wrote me. First I am a pussy little farm girl following you around like a lost puppy, after that I am some peace-loving hippie. Then TPTB finally show me as a warrior but I hardly have any emotion."

Xena looked at the smaller woman seriously. "Gabrielle, you did turn into a peace loving hippie."

"Hey, that was not for almost another 2000 years. Even then I wasn’t that deep into it." The blond said trying to defend herself.

"Oh, come on. You were the Hippie Queen." Xena said tapping Gabrielle’s nose.

"Me?" Out ragged the Bard hopped up on her knees poking a finger into the tall brunette’s chest. "You’re the one that painted "flower power" on the side of our car and a big, giant daisy on the hod."

"That was because YOU" Xena pointed her own finger at the Bard for emphasis. "Asked me too."

"Oh yeah!" The little blonde smiled sheepishly before she continued. "I wasn’t the only one though. We still have that picture of you at ‘Woodstock’ with your hair passed your butt, wearing a bandanna with a flower sticking out of it and blue tinted sunglasses. Not forgetting the poncho and bell bottoms. Plus the peace sign around your neck the size of a stop sign and more beads then half the people there. I could always dig it out to refresh your memory." The feisty little blonde warned.

Xena leaned in and drew out her words slowly as she defended the description. "If you remember correctly it was your idea to drag me there with you and give me a make over." Changing from her normal voice to sound like a spaced out hippie. "Ahh come on man, you need some far out groovy threads Xe."

Gabrielle knew she was defeated and sank back against the couch and changed the subject making Xena smile her ‘I beat the Bard’ smile. "Anyway, they did get Ares character right."

The ancient warrior rolled her eyes. "Yeah, HE is the one they had to get right."

Gabrielle gritted her teeth and raised a fist. "Talk about irritating. Early on there were times I just want to kick him square in his…"

"Godhood?" Xena put in with a smile.

"Yeah," Gabrielle agreed narrowing her eyes. "Even after all this time he can be can still be like a irritating itch you can scratch." Just as she finished there was a bright light that filled the room and when it cleared Ares stood in front of them. "Speak of the devil." Gabrielle muttered.

"Did you just compare me to an itch?" The God of War asked trying to look menacing but it didn’t work.

"Yeah, so what are you going to do about it?" The Bard asked with a cocky look on her face.

"Nothing just wanted to know if I heard right." Ares grinned as he walked into the kitchen. Two sets of eyes followed him as he opened the fridge and grabbed a coke. Then walked back into the living room and grinned at them again. "Thanks for the coke, check ya later." Before popping out again.

One dark head and one light head turned to each other. "Irritating itch" they said in unison.

"I think he does it on propose." The blonde continued.

"Hmmm" Xena agreed putting a strong arm around the Bard pulling her close and moved their conversation along. "If you think about it they did come up with a good way to explain why the dates of your scrolls were so spread out and why we kept coming back from the dead without giving us away."

"Oh you don’t really think that do you?" Gabrielle asked looking up at Xena. "That the reincarnation thing was a good idea?"

Xena looked back down into green eyes. "Sure I do, even a show this weird could not say we are immortals. Would you rather they had just kept ignoring it like they did at the beginning? They never explained how we could spread ourselves out over centuries helping both Cleopatra and Ulysses for example."

Challenging Xena the Bard spoke. "Sure they could have, like you said, the show is weird Xena. They could have just left it and the fans would still believe it was just something the producers overlooked to make the show interesting."

Xena shifted so that they were facing each other and added hand gestures to add in her debate. "That’s another thing, the hardcore nutball fans. Could you imagine what some of them would do if they thought we were real."

"Xena" Gabrielle stated simply. "The hardcore nutball fans already think we are real."

"Yes, but they also think we, as in Xena and Gabrielle, died thousands of years ago. If they thought that we, Gabrielle the Bard and Xena the Warrior, still lived today it could be threat to our safety." A grin then spread across the said warrior’s lips.

"Oh your the nutball," Gabrielle accused as she waked Xena with a pillow. "We are immortal what could they do to us?"

The Warrior laughed as she reached for her own pillow. "These are hard core Xena nutball fans, just think of the possible ways they could torture us." She said before swinging her pillow at the Bard.

After Gabrielle’s not so great attempt to deflect the pillow from hitting her head she stopped and stared at Xena. "Oh my Gods, they could make us sign autographs for hours. Oh the horror!" She then started laughing as she wrapped her arms around her head protecting it from the pillow Xena was swinging at her unmercifully.

"You brat!" Xena called out just as Gabrielle popped up and an all out pillow fight begun.


So what do you think? Feed the bard at nalysia@loveable.com

Hardcore Nutcrackers, 2

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