Well, it's happening again! The thing that I SWORE would never happen again has happened. The thing that I fought so hard to never allow happen has happened. I didn't see it coming; it popped out at me out of no where! I had to make the decision, I had no other alternative, and I had to be the one, who said,
“We are no longer together”
The profound anger that I feel is astonishing! The madness that has seized my mind is enraging! I am devastated, crushed, torn, battered and many more adjectives. I feel utterly destroyed. I think that is something that my “friends” don't understand. The fact that I was able to love someone so completely, so utterly that I LITERALLY placed my life in her hands. I ABSOULUTELY trusted her not to abuse my love and to have my six. She had fought so hard to get through my walls and let me just say that my walls are like the walls of Jericho !! She FORCED me, gave me ultimatums if I did not talk to her about my feelings. She forced me to open up with her and I did, completely. We were utterly honest and open about everything with each other or so I was made to believe. All of that was destroyed when a choice could not be made.
When I talk to my “friends” about what has happened and how I feel, they think I should be moving on, that it's all well and good. BUT IT'S NOT!!!! It took me 11/2yrs to even date someone again after the last train wreck! Then when I found her it took me yet another 11/2yrs to even open up. Seriously, how the FUCK am I suppose to just get over this like last years summer line??? I don't know, maybe I am not communicating how I feel correctly to them? NO!! FUCK THAT!!! They know or they have never experienced that and they just don't know what to say. So instead, I get silence on the other end of the line which makes the loneliness even that much more acute.
This time of the year is and has always been my favorite time of the year. I absolutely love fall and the holidays. I love the feel of the air, the wind and the smell. How the air feels and smells when fall sets in. The leaves blowing and the dreary, rainy, overcast that is so indicative of this time of the year. I love the ionized smell that a first snow fall brings and the cold snap it ushers in. It brings to mind hot coco, warm cozy nights and just enjoying the lights of the season.
Now, everything seems blurred or dull. It is all lack luster and I don't know how to make it different. I am lost, adrift in a sea of emotion and I don't know how to change that, I am paralyzed.
Return to the Academy