Once In A Lifetime
by tap, the wizard
aka Pat Winterburn
There are times when I think God looks down upon us and laughs his ass off
at our human suffering. Today is one of those days, and as I stand here crying,
I wonder what I have done that was so wrong to have my heart ripped out by someone
who said she loved me.
Now I knew in the beginning this wasn't right. She was only eighteen years
old and I was thirty two, but we fell in love and, for seven years, it was the
most beautiful thing on earth. What happened in the last six months of our relationship?
Where did I go wrong? What didn't I see? Maybe someday I'll find out, but for
today I can not see for my tears.
It happened one night a very long time ago when my boarder, Denise, asked if
she could have some friends over for the evening. I, of course, said yes but to
keep the music down as my girls had school the next morning. The door bell rang
and since Denise was still in the shower I answered the door and two young women
bounced their way in. The first one by the name of Shirley had long red hair,
green eyes and was downstairs waiting for Denise before I could say come on in.
The second girl caught my eye with her brown hair, dark brown eyes, and shy face.
She said her name was Nancy and with one look I felt the spark of desire for this
young woman. Cradle robber I thought. She followed her companion down stairs and
I went up with a dreamy look upon my face and thoughts that shouldn't have been
Visits to Denise became more frequent with Nancy always finding an excuse to
come upstairs to sit and chat with me. She took an interest in my daughters, and
had even babysat on occasion when my regular sitter would cancel. Finally she
just started coming over on her own to visit with me. I should have stopped it
then, but didn't. I knew I was playing with fire, but I liked her company. It
was a harmless situation that, as an adult, I should have controlled, but on that
fateful night when she told me she was a lesbian like me and kissed me I melted.
That was the start of Heaven which eventually turned into Hell and, like a fool,
I fell in love with the dream to be loved and so did she.
The first time I took her to my bed she never told me she was a virgin. The
look of desire, but fear confused me at first, but in my own aroused state, I
never stopped to realize what her fear would be. It wasn't until I entered her
and felt the blockage that I stopped and looked at her.
"You're a virgin?" I softly questioned her.
She started to cry as if I had been unkind to her, but I gently held her and
told her it was fine. I would be as gentle as I could and thanked her for her
precious gift. I started to make love to her again and this time made sure she
was on the brink of orgasm when I entered her and broke through. Her cry was a
mixture of pain and pleasure. I continued until her orgasm made her forget, and
she then became mine.
What was I to do when her parents found out about us? They accused me of a
lot of things. I did not rape her nor ply her with liquor. I did not seduce her
nor make promises to her. I simply loved her and let her love me. The night they
threw her out she came to me and I took her into my arms, my home, my life, and
never let her go. That is to say until now.
I am sitting with a cup of coffee; its warmth and sweetness give me a comfort,
if only for the moment. I am looking through our photo albums and reminiscing
about the vacations we have taken over the years. The ones of Arizona bring a
smile to my face as I remember the look on your face at all the different vegetation.
Our trip to the Grand Canyon was humbling; how God could have created something
so beautiful and majestic. I laughed at how embarrassed you were in Las Vegas
for your 21st birthday as the attendants brought you a huge bouquet of balloons
with a deck of cards attached. You growled at me for the hotel room key. I followed
you back into the room your anger excited me. I made love to you hard and fast;
enjoying the passion in your anger. You fought me, but in mild protest. Your eyes
captured mine and you felt the same lust. How I long to feel that lust again.
I turned the page to Christmas. The tree loaded with presents for family and
friends. Smiling faces of my children squished next to you dancing in anticipation
of what lay beneath those carefully wrapped treasures. Where had the time gone
when that smile was genuine and your heart happy?
I closed the album as tears threatened to fall. I will be late for work and
useless again unless I straighten up and concentrate on my job. Even there I search
the halls and windows for your memory as you worked here as well. Foolish on my
part perhaps, but I had gotten you a job here with me. Keeping you ever close,
not letting anyone be rude or hurtful to you. How young and sensitive you were,
and I was overprotective like a mother bear with her cub.
She had quit and gone back to school with her new lover supporting her in this
decision. Someone younger this woman was full of brash and ego. She had captured
Nancy's heart away from me, and I pray each night this woman will rot in the depths
of hell and feel more pain than I do. She had leached into our lives like a rash,
and I was too comfortable in our love not to see what was going on behind my back.
The cell phone calls, the whispers, the get- together's and how I felt out of
place. I shake my head now in stupidity; how blind my eyes, how deaf my ears.
If I could go back in time would I change the course of these events? Could I
stop their friendship, or worse, not allow Nancy into my life at all? I shall
never know; I just must accept what has happened and carry on.
I smile while I am driving my car. I remember your first truck and how proud
you were. You kept it a year and traded it in on a new and bigger model. Extended
cab for the girls and our dog. We needed it for our family you said.
Then one day you came to me and asked me for a child of your own. I was tongue
tied with shock and wasn't sure how to answer you. It had hurt your feelings when
I didn't respond right away. You thought I didn't want another child or one with
you. Had I ever denied you anything? I would have given you the sun and the stars
if they had been within my grasp. We sat down and talked for the longest time.
It would be a life time commitment to bring a baby into this world. You understood,
and then we talked about the how we would go about this.
Artificial insemination. Such a cold sounding word, but I was there with you
as the sperm in a tube was inserted into your body. Three times we went and you
never got pregnant. I often wonder to this day if someone in the cosmos knew our
love wouldn't last and made the decision for us. You cried and I held you. I could
only offer words of comfort to you. I promised we would try again later, but we
never did. Your heart wasn't there; it went searching for something else.
You came to me one day in tears and I held you. You couldn't answer my questions
of "are you alright, are you hurt?" You simply lay in my arms and cried. You looked
at me with sorrow, and searched for something that was perhaps lost. I stroked
your hair and kissed you. Finally the look in your eyes changed and I knew you
had found your answer in this search. Slowly you moved out of my arms and talked
with me. You tried to explain how you still loved me, but were not in love with
me. You needed more than I could give you. This life with me was no longer what
you wanted. You were leaving me to grow on your own. I could feel the lie, but
the shock hit me. You said you were leaving me, that's all I could remember.
I tried to talk with you as the days progressed, but you refused to listen.
I grew angry and argued with you. You ignored me. I finally got down on my hands
and knees and begged you not to leave me, but you scoffed at me and kicked me
aside as if I had been some beggar in the street blocking your way. Finally I
let you go, and said "leave." My tears betrayed my pride as I informed you this
was not your home any longer. My heart broke my children witness to my defeat.
I was lost and drowning, but you walked out the door not even throwing me a life
jacket to cling to. What had I done to make you hate me so?
Did she ever come back to me? No; she found her new life with her new lover.
She left me to drown in my own tears. How cruel this woman that said she loved
But as I sit here and remember I try to think of our joys together and realize
it was once in a lifetime.
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