DISCLAIMER: The characters Xena and Gabrielle are subject to copyright of MCA/Universal/Renpics etc. No infringement intended. Just a very short tale that could only offend the homophobes J

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‘Listen Gabrielle it will be fine. I promise that I won’t go too far’

‘But Xena, I’m sure I could earn a few dinars storytelling, we really don’t need this!’ the blonde complained.

‘So you are now the breadwinner, huh?’ Xena asked with a wink.

The bard winced. She knew she was entering dangerous waters.

‘I just don’t want to see you get hurt’ she reasoned.

The warrior almost found this too funny to respond to. Almost.

‘I am in the third round already, it is unarmed combat in a controlled environment..I have yet to break sweat let alone a finger nail’

She broke off to make sure her disdain had been registered.

‘Forgive me for missing the problem?’

‘I have heard that Hamrun has entered’ Gabrielle’s urgent tones were lost on the warrior.

‘And?’ Xena shrugged dismissively.

‘He is of mixed descent, part Indian part Siberian. Some say he may even be a scion of the Gods. Part mystic, part warrior he has unfathomable strength and guile’

‘Quite a speech Gabrielle, did you get that from his publicity scroll?’

The bard all but blushed.

‘Xena I *saw* him. He will kill you, I just know it!’

The warrior was touched by her friend’s concern, but more interested in taking a sip of wine before her next fight. As she turned, still smiling to retrieve her flagon she glimpsed the physique of a man who could only fit the description of Hamrun that Gabrielle had issued.

‘Zeus preserve us!’ she managed to whisper, ‘his publicity does him an injustice.’

The bard noticed both Hamrun and her friend’s awed reaction to his appearance.

‘See what I mean?’ she asked, but without gloating.

‘Could be a challenge’ the warrior admitted with unintended anxiety.

Further discussion was interrupted by the surprisingly authoritative voice of the bar-wench who had been hosting the night’s entertainment.

Dressed in a very short and low-cut dress, her appearance had proved as much an attraction as the mostly mis-matched fights that had thus far taken place.

‘Ladies and gentlemen’ the buxom woman announced, her voice as well as her mere presence stilling the crowd.

‘Due to some unexpected withdrawals, tonight’s contest will move immediately to the deciding bout’

This news was met by jeers and growls of discontent, but the woman knew her job.

‘However!’ she boomed ‘the final is an unprecedented match between the Siberian killer, the Indian mystic himself..Hamrun the Invincible!!!’

She allowed time for the cheers to subside before saying

‘his opponent, the truly beautiful, the gorgeous but deadly..Xena! Warrior Princess!!!!!’

The roars and cheers were deafening. Still mindful of her duty, the demi-clad announcer had one final notice.

‘Five minutes to refill your drinks, people. Five minutes only’

The tavern owner made a mental note that Delores his bar-girl deserved a pay rise, though said mental note was soon forgotten as a flood of eager customers demanded refreshment to enhance their enjoyment of the bout to come.

His faculties were not so lax as to realise he had just about doubled his takings for the entire night in two short minutes.

Xena was unusually contemplative.

‘I know I can beat him, but I doubt that I can avoid taking a couple of hits..*big* hits from that guy. I won’t be described as "gorgeous" for a while’ she mused aloud.

‘Back out now, Xena!’ the bard pleaded ‘we don’t need the money.’

‘If I could use a weapon it would be fine, but on sheer strength..’

Delores broke all by booming

‘Fight On!’

The cautious start was inevitable, neither opponent daring to make an ill-conceived lunge, each respecting the other. Any attempted blow was dodged successfully, yet the crowd remained free of hostility, anticipation was still at fever pitch.

Gabrielle had eased around the perimeter of the circle to sidle up close to the watching Delores.

‘Hey gorgeous, you look so sexy’ the bard pouted.

‘Excuse me?’ the bar-wench was taken aback.

‘Hades! I want to devour your entire body! You *know* you look stunning, let’s not pretend otherwise, now kiss me woman, kiss me!’

Gabrielle intoned.

With only slight hesitation the blonde bard grabbed Delores and pulled her into a passionate clinch, her hands seeking buttocks and breasts and thighs with equal abandon.

It took even less hesitation for Delores to reciprocate, and soon the two women were entwined and mindless in a writhing mass of lust.

Gabrielle felt a slightly less amorous punch on the shoulder.

‘What in Hades name is going on?!’ the warrior barked.

‘Kick him Xena, kick him now!’ the blonde replied.

The warrior turned to see Hamrun standing agape, he too had been watching only the side-show of Gabrielle’s passion.

Befuddled by her friend and indeed *enraged* by her friend, Xena promptly marched up to Hamrun and kicked him squarely between the legs.

She did not tarry to watch him drop like a felled tree nor bother to register his prolonged scream of agony.

She swiftly returned to where Gabrielle and Delores stood.

‘Listen honey’ she addressed the hostess, ‘you are a beautiful girl but you have exactly one minute to continue groping my friend..anything beyond that and your head will be squashed like a marrow.’ The warrior then took a deep breath.

‘Gab, we are leaving once I collect my winnings. Change that, *I* am leaving once I collect our winnings, if you want to stay with Miss body beautiful then good luck to you, I’ve said my piece.’

The crowd had been reduced to a stunned silence, only Hamrun’s continued whimpers were truly audible.

Xena relaxed her shoulders as if a great weight had been released.

‘Forget what I just said’ she said in soft tones.

‘Don’t worry Miss body, I won’t hurt you..Gab give those boobs a good feel for me, go to town’

The warrior wandered off.


Xena was just completing her inspection of Argo when a familiar voice soothed.

‘Room on the back for one more?’

The warrior could not fully disguise her grin.

‘I just don’t understand’ she said honestly.

It was the bard’s turn to inhale deeply.

‘That Hamrun was scary. I didn’t really doubt he would best you, but I couldn’t bare the thought of you being badly injured. You wanted a weapon so I gave you one’

Xena still appeared puzzled.

‘God-like or not, he is still a man. You know what fools men are when it comes to seeing two girls smooching together’ the blonde seemed pleased with herself.

‘You call *that* smooching?’ Xena said with a huge, grateful grin.

Gabrielle blushed scarlet.

‘I did get rather carried away. I would like to blame Delores but the fact is I enjoyed it, enjoyed it far too much’

Xena moved closer to her friend.

‘It isn’t only men who cannot resist two women kissing, especially if one of them is the woman you love..’

‘Xena, do you mean..?’ asked Gabrielle.

‘What I mean’ the warrior announced

‘is that if you had gone any further.. then Hamrun would have been picking even more body parts off the tavern floor’


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