Copyright © Saggio Amante 2004

All rights reserved.

Disclaimer: Only Dogface and the Ugly Man are mine. The rest of the characters (except for the unnamed "crowd", of course) belong to Renaissance Pictures and whoever else might own the rights to them. No sex. Just good clean fun in this one.

Act I - Scene I

Scene: Interior of dimlit cave. Present: Xena, Gabrielle.

Xena (entering cave pulling large wagon, huffing and puffing): Gabrielle, why in the name of the goddesses do you need all this tallow?

Gabrielle: To make candles.

Xena: Damn, woman! You could make enough candles to light all of Greece. I can think of much better things to do than make candles. (Looking lustfully at Gabrielle.)

Gabrielle: Patience, Xena, patience! Behave yourself. There will be enough time for that later.

Xena: So, why are you making candles?

Gabrielle: Well, I've been thinking about that time thing, and I think I have a solution.

Xena: Time thing? What time thing?

Gabrielle: You know. Like when you say meet me in Themiscyreia. I mean how am I supposed to know what time to meet you there? If it's an overcast day, I can't look at the sundial. And at night, it's useless anyway.

Xena: Hrrumph. Where do you come up with these cockamamie ideas? I've got more important things to do with my time than haul hard lard and watch you make candles. Besides, it smells like a herd of Merinos in here. If you need any more sheep fat, call Joxer. I'll be back in a ... in a ... well, in a little while. I'm going out for a grog. (Xena stomps out.)

Gabrielle (shouting sweetly to Xena's departing back): Besides, we never have two dinars to rub together. If this works out, we'll be rich. (Yelling louder.) Xena! Remember, no fighting.


Act I - Scene II

Scene. Interior of a bar. Lots of noise and drunken men.

(Xena strides up to the bar, aggravated look on her face.)

Xena: Dogface! Give me a grog.

Dogface: What's the matter Warrior Princess, trouble on the home front?

Xena (growling): Watch your mouth; I'm in no mood today. Now give me a grog, Dogface.

(Dogface pours a mug and slides it to Xena. She picks it up and downs it in one gulp, then slams it on the bar.)

Xena: Fill ‘er up.

Ugly Man: So, the big Warrior Princess is in the doghouse. What's the matter, Xena, did that Poteidaia babe finally get wise and throw you out? Bet she's been missing the real thing (grabbing crotch).

Xena: Shaddup!

Ugly Man (laughing): As a matter of fact, I think I'll pay her a visit. (Turns and heads toward the door.)

Xena: Yi-yi! Yi-y!. Yi-yi! (Xena does an Air Xena landing in front of the ugly man).

Ugly Man (poking a finger in Xena's chest): Get out of my way, WP.

Xena (placing a death hold on Ugly Man's neck): Nobody messes with my woman. Got that!

(Ugly Man (drops to his knees, obviously terrified and in pain). He nods his head. Xena releases death hold.)

Xena: Anybody else got anything to say?

(Everyone turns back to their drinks and shuts up.)


Act I - Scene III

Scene: Empty city street. Xena is staggering back to the cave.

Xena (singing). Yo ho ho and a bottle of ale, Xena's gonna see her gal. Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum, watch out Gabby here I come.

(Xena reaches cave and sees Gabrielle standing in cave entrance, arms folded across her chest, irritated look on her face. The sun is just going down behind the horizon.)

Gabrielle (haughtily): Well, it sure looks like you had more than one grog to me. And, by the gods, you smell like a hog in heat.

Xena: Not now, Gabrielle. You sure know how to ruin a mood.

(Xena pushes past Gabrielle and enters the cave. Hundreds of lit candles are lined up against the cave walls.)

Xena: Turn those damn things off. It's like daylight in here. I need to get some sleep.

Gabrielle: Hah. So much for a romantic atmosphere. You can sleep under your own pelt tonight!

(Xena removes her Chakram and heaves it at the candles. It makes a wide arc, cutting a mark in the exact same spot on each of the candles. Xena collapses ,snoring, on her own pelt as the Chakram lands on the pelt beside her. Gabrielle sits down on her pelt. She blows out the candle next to her pelt and sits watching the rest of the candles glowing in the cave.)


Act I - Scene IV

Scene: Interior of cave. It's daylight.

(Xena awakens to the sound of loud banging. She jumps up, grabs her weapon, and runs outside. She sees Gabrielle hanging a sign on the entrance of the cave.)

Xena (grouchily): Great Zeus, Gabrielle! What the hell are you doing? My head is pounding; you're pounding. What a way to start the day.

Gabrielle (cheerfully): Well, what do you think?

Xena (aggravated): What do I think about what?

Gabrielle: Read the sign.

(Xena reads): 'X & G's Candlemarks.' Candlemarks? What in Hades are candlemarks?

Gabrielle: Well, it's all your fault really.

Xena: My fault?

Gabrielle: Yep. You see, when you threw your Chakram last night it made a mark on all my candles. I was so mad I couldn't sleep. I lay awake all night and watched the candles burn. Just as the sun came up, the candles had all shrunk to the spot where your Chakram hit. Well, all except for the one candle next to my pelt. I blew that one out when I went to bed. Anyway, that got me to thinking. From the top of the candle to the Chakram mark was one night. So I took the candle by my bed and all the rest of the unused candles and marked all them in exactly the same spot as the candles that had burned down. I divided that in half, and that in half, and that in half ....

Xena (rolling her eyes): All right, enough already, you have my head spinning. Have you been chewing on henbane? Get to the bottom line.

Gabrielle: The bottom line is I've made eight hour candles. The distance between each mark equals an hour. Three candles make a day. (Gabrielle pauses). What's that noise?

(The women turn and see a horde of people moving toward the cave entrance.)

Woman: Gabrielle, we heard all the banging. Are you and Xena all right?

(Gabrielle smiles).

Gabrielle: Why yes, Mina. You're just in time for my candlemark party. Why don't you all come in?

(The crowd enters the cave, and Gabrielle begins her spiel. One by one the crowd leaves, each person clutching a candlemark. Gabrielle has sold out and smiles as she counts the coins in her pouch.)

Gabrielle (yelling after the departing crowd): Don't forget, ladies, whoever books a candlemark party will receive a free candlemark!

Act I - Scene V (Conclusion)

(Xena stands leaning against a cave wall watching Gabrielle count the coins.)

Gabrielle: Look at all the coins I've got for my candlemarks. I sold out! You see, I told you they could make us rich. Now what have you got to say for my stroke of genius?

Xena (smirking): Hah! Your stroke of genius? If I hadn't thrown my Chakram, you wouldn't even have candlemarks. I'd say it was my stroke of genius.

Gabrielle: Was not!

Xena: Was too!

Gabrielle: Was not!

Xena: Was too!

Gabrielle: Was not!

Xena: Admit it, Gabrielle, I'm responsible for the candlemarks as sure as an egg is an egg.

(The End)

No sheep were injured during the making of this movie. All hard lard for the making of the candlemarks came from animals that died a natural death.

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