Disclaimers: Just a short story I wrote time ago to get something off my chest.

No alt, no sex, no violence, just sorrowful ramblings.

Comments always welcome and treasured at sielledain@gmail.com

Thanks for reading.

Living in the shadows

By Siel LeDain


Here I am, in a lonely apartment in Paris, looking at the moon as it shines upon us, wondering whether

it’ll shine upon you too, but I know I’ll  get no answer to that.

I still wonder where you are, if you’re ok,  if you can feel, if you can see... 

Will it be true what they say about a new star showing up in the sky or is it just my trying to seek solace from the fact that I might have lost you forever?

I grab a tissue and wipe my eyes dry.  I look at the moon again and your face comes to my mind as the tears begin anew.

“This is silly” I scold myself as I get up to get a glass of water.

Today it’s five months and I still cannot believe it.  Five months since that dreadful Monday I got that  ill-fated phone call and they told me you’d had an accident and you were dead.

I wanted to believe it was some kind of dark joke, “you’ve always had a taste for the macabre”, I thought.  But the moment Ivan started crying on the other side of the phone, I realized it was no joke, it was true and I would have to live without you from then on.  And I could not bear such thought. 

I remember all too well, how my chest suddenly got cold and everything became a blur.  I remember I couldn’t  help screaming and I remember the physical need for someone to tell me it was a mistake..., that it hadn’t been you.

The pain was beyond words, beyond anything I’ve ever felt and I strongly hope I’ll never have to go through that again..., I know I couldn’t bear it a second time.

Now, I’m in another country, but deep down inside nothing has changed.  I miss you more than I can tell and I love you more than ever.

Nothing has been the same since you left us and I know nothing will ever be.  You used to say I was a strong woman and that I could face a lot of things, but I really never was..., never will.

I take a look at your picture and hold my breath, I don’t want to let anymore tears out, don’t want to let the pain surface, don’t wan’t to go on hurting.

I’d love to know what you’re thinking, if you think this is nonsense, ...if you could ever understand...

I wipe the tears away one more time, get up again and grab a coat.  I need some fresh air.

All this time I have thought I’d run into you one starry night and you’d said it had all been just a ruse.  I’d get completely mad until you’d put on that cute smile and that puppy-eyed look on your face and you’d beg me not to be upset.  And we would end up laughing like we always did.

“Wake up and face reality!!”, I almost yell at myself as I run down the stairs.

Closing the door I take a deep breath.  How I love the breeze this time of the night.  Another deep breath and I try to clear my head of any thoughts, but it’s useless.  I see your face in everything I lay my eyes on, I hear your voice in every sound the wind carries and I feel your presence in every heartbeat...

“Daniel, please come back…, I won’t make it without you…”

Paris by night, her sounds mingle with your voice inside my head.  Far away I hear your laughter and the faint dull rumble of the train.  Could I ever see you again...? 

The sound of the train gets my attention as I look up in wonder.  A strange idea has coursed through my exhausted mind.

“Maybe there’s a way…”, comes the out loud reassurance. 

My heart  starts beating faster as I walk toward the line.  My breath catches up with my pounding heart.  What did you think at the exact moment you lost control of the car?

The train is getting closer.  I wonder where you are again and if you can see what’s going on.  I step on the line, shivering.  I can see the headlights and the ground trembles.  I’m not sure I can do this…

The sound of the horn starts pounding  in my head. 

I remember Ivan’s voice when he called.

“Claudia, this is Ivan…”

The train comes even closer.

“We had an accident last night…”

The horn doesn’t let me hear my own thoughts.

“Daniel is dead…”

I can only think about the train.

“My God, please, Ivan, tell me it’s not true…!”

The roar takes over.

“Ivan, you MUST tell me it’s not true…”

The train is too close.

“No…, please, no…”

The lights become one single bright blur and the last thing I can remember is Ivan crying on the phone, and myself, falling onto a cushion crying out loud.

“No…, please no, please no…” 

The End.


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