This story depicts a romantic relationship between two conselting women, if this is illegal where you live or if you are not old enough to buy booze, quit right now and come back when you've grown or moved.
Any (good) comments are welcome at firstname.lastname@example.org; bad ones…well, don't bother.
Final Disclaimer: This story is fictional. Any resemblance to actual facts is merely coincidental.
By Siel Le Dain
"I read your story…"
I choked on the piece of meat I was chewing.
"My story… " I echoed "Which story…?" I knew exactly which one.
"The one you wrote…about…me."
I held my breath and my heart started pounding noisily. Damn!
"And how come you came across my story?", I inquired, my face a mask.
"It was in your computer", she stated matter-of-factly.
I gave out a short, ironic chuckle.
"And how come you came across it, again?"
"I just found it and, you know I like your stories, so I just read it."
"Hum…, a story labeled "A story of mine" should be exactly that, MINE!!", I argued.
I knew what I was doing, I was turning the tables to my favor. I was playing the angry and disappointed one when I knew she was the one who ought to be disappointed. Cause I knew exactly what my story was: A plain, simple and honest declaration of love. From me, to her.
"That's not the point", she replied making eye contact with me for the firs time. My heart sank and a lump settled down in my throat. Her expression was unreadable. The usual bright in her eyes was gone, they looked empty, like those of a blind person's. And at the very back, I could see a hint of sadness.
At least there was no anger…, or disgust. But that sadness could be very well pity. And that would be awful. The meaning of the whole situation became clear to me and I knew I would break down at a moment's notice. I couldn't face that. My worst fear laid out in front of me and my deepest feelings were exposed. I sighed very heavily.
"OK", I whispered and stood up from the chair. I picked up my unfinished plate and moved towards the kitchen. I cleaned the small mess I had made and went back to the dining room. She hadn't moved a bit.
"I'm leaving on the weekend. I'll see to all the payments and stuff so as not to leave you troubled."
She didn't move one bit again. I didn't say anything else and walked away to my room. Once there, I closed the door and turned the radio on. It was going to be the longest week ever.
I looked around thinking about having to move somewhere else. It hadn't hit me yet. But I was on the brink.
We had been roommates for almost eighteen months and we knew from at least three years before. I fell for her almost instantly. She captivated me with her beautiful green eyes and her ice-melting smile. And when I came to know her better, she captured me with her truthful soul and half-full point of view. We became good friends and that was when turmoil started for me. At that moment I was involved in an ill relationship that was slowly killing me and had lasted far too long. So I kept everything in a low profile at the beginning. I've never been the cheating type and I didn't want to start then.
Things developed in a normal kind of fashion, but eventually, fate intervened. She needed a place to stay for a couple of weeks. After little thinking and much pondering, I told her to come to my flat, even though I was for sure going to have problems with my, at that time, current partner.
I had problems indeed. Things were very difficult for everybody. But they were great too. I remember those days fondly for it was a time when I was the happiest.
Fate again, she had to return to her natal city and I foolishly thought I could get over it. But distance is like strong wind, it blows out small flames and it ignites big fires. And mine proved to be stronger than I had thought.
I honestly tried to get over her, but it was useless. We lost track of each other for almost six months and during all this time, I was unable to stop missing her. Fate intervened again in the form of a common friend and it gave me the excuse I needed to resume contact. I did so and it all started anew: the endless waiting, the strain, the despair and the never ending ache.
Contact lasted for almost a month and fate appeared again. I had to move now to the same city as she had before. And of course, we resumed meeting with one another.
That was almost worse, for I learned how much involved my heart was. Way too much. And it brought up all the differences. Way too many.
Fate again, we became roommates, but as I dreamt about our perfect home, for her was only a way to endure through difficult times.
My fate was sealed. Living with her, being as I am, creating a comfortable home for both of us, made me get involved even further. So during the day I would play my part as best friend, and at night I would cry myself to sleep, dreaming, longing, craving…
I started shutting her out and built tall thick walls around my heart. I resumed my writing, neglected for almost 3 years, to try and ease the cold stab I felt trough me every time I looked into her eyes.
And now, thinking back, it was perhaps my attitude what led her to seek knowledge. And so she found in my last story. The one I wrote for her, detailing my feelings throughout all this time.
If I were her, I would feel betrayed, toyed with, lied to. But I'm not her and I only feel lost. It seems there's only pain in store for me now.
I look around again, I don't remember having lit all this candles. Every time I feel sad, I dim the lights and light candles. It eases me a little, it helps me think. So does the music, though tonight everything seems to bring me down.
Suddenly, a knock on the door startles me badly. Fear raises up all over my body and my heart starts pounding out of control. She knows I'm here and she knows I'm not asleep. It's too early. 'Open the door, no need to be rude', I start trying to convince myself.
"Renée, please…", she whispers through the door.
Gods above, how I love her voice. I slowly walk to the door and open it, placing myself right beneath the frame. She looks pale, her eyes are swollen and red, her lips too, her breathing is ragged and she can't keep the catch in her voice. She quickly drops her gaze.
I don't notice how much it hurts me to see her like this until I feel my chest tighten.
"Today is too soon, but I think we need to talk. You…, I…I mean, we…" She hesitates for some seconds and finally fails to finish her sentence. I look at her hands and she is twitching one of the sleeves in her sweater. She always does that when she's troubled and in normal conditions, I would reach out and hold her hands in mine to try to comfort her, but now...
She glances up quickly only to drop her gaze again.
"I just…you should…, I think…" She pauses and breathes in. " Please think again about leaving, that's all"
"OK", I replied after some seconds.
"Good night", she whispers as she turns around.
"Nite…"I echo almost soundlessly.
When morning comes after a night of weeping, all the body aches, and the following morning I felt I had been beaten up and run over. I moved mechanically for routine could not be changed entirely. After getting up I worked on breakfast, but neither of us made it past the glass of water. And all the rituals were done speechless, until I saw her pick up the phone and call a cab.
"What are you doing?" I inquired a little harsher than I intended.
"I'm calling a taxi…"
"Don't be silly!! I'm driving you as usual…" I argued, then I stopped myself short, fear building up again. "Unless you don't want me to…"
She hang up the phone and glared at me. "Don't YOU be silly!", she replied back.
Yes, I was too harsh. And yes too, we needed to straight some things out.
A normally short car ride became very long and uncomfortable. Silence reigned again until we got to the subway station. I stopped the car and looked at her. She opened her mouth to speak but no sound came out.
"Call me to pick you up, ok?", I asked meekly.
"Alright", she got out of the car and left without saying anything else.
She's not gonna call. Why would she? Shit! And it's only Tuesday…
When I got home again I was truly thankful for routine, since I had many things in my schedule for that day. However, I placed on top of my list finding a new place to live. I had some money saved so I could move to an apartment without major problems. Tearing our house apart, however, was the big issue. The usual 'I keep this and you keep that', very much like a divorcing couple. I laughed ironically at myself, for I was going to be a divorcee without even having married.
The day went on quietly and I tried to keep myself as busy as possible. But, as evening was approaching, I grew anxious waiting for the phone to ring. When I was sure nothing was going to happen, it rang.
"Hello?", I answered trying to hide the nervousness in my voice.
"Hi, it's me… It's 6:30 ok?"
I looked at my watch, 5:50 p.m. "Sure, no problem…"
"But, look…, eh…, if you are too busy I can call a cab…"
'Here we go again', my mind states. "I thought we went through this already…" Damn! Harsh again!! "I mean, Cath, for me it's no problem. I'll be there at 6:30, alright?"
"Good, thank you…"
'Of course she's gonna be there' She's too correct, maybe a little too much. Gods, how I blew it. I shouldn't have said anything, but I couldn't go on like this. I needed her to know that I knew… Did I? Did I really know the extent of her feelings? I had guessed, but I needed…reassurance.
But of course, she felt exposed and I think I betrayed her trust by getting into her things… but she had been acting so strange this last month. I thought I had done something, she seemed to had…fallen out…
I knew it all along. She doesn't know that. Since we first met. I must say I felt intrigued by this strong confident woman who didn't seem to need anybody. When you first know her, she lets you know only a little bit of her and then you tumble into a tall thick brick wall which she doesn't allow anybody to trespass. But she let me and what I found surprised me. She was soft, caring and her heart was full of love. The latter I noticed, though I did not realize right away it was for me. Sometime later I started seeing it. The way her eyes lit up when she saw me, the way she treated me more kindly than the rest and the tender manners she had with me that I never saw with someone else. Not even her own…girlfriend. Gods, when I found out I felt a mixture of things. I kinda felt scared, for I didn't want to encourage her in the wrong way. But I also felt her current partner was not the right one for her and I found myself tracing the characteristics of an ideal woman for her. When I noticed it was very much like me, I stopped and pushed the issue away. But, when chance came and she accepted me in her house at the end of that year, I enjoyed my stay very much and I grew very fond of her… Like best friends do. 'Keep telling yourself that, maybe you'll believe it…'
And now, I feel terribly guilty for I know it must be very difficult for her right now. But I don't want her to leave…, there's no need to. We've been living like this for a long time, why wouldn't we be able to continue…? 'Damn! It's going to be the longest week ever'
6:30 and there she is, as she said she would. My chest tightens, and I try to swallow down the lump in my throat. But it's useless. I hate to see her suffering, let alone because of me, and I know she has a lot lately. I thought foolishly she would get over it, but she's tough and stubborn. And yes, if I'm always playing the hard-to-catch it's even more difficult. But what could I do? Tell her straight away? That would have ended our friendship long ago and I didn't want that. She would have never accepted coming to live with me if she had known I already knew how she felt. Just like now, I told her I know and she said she's moving almost immediately.
I smile faintly at her when she sees me walking to the car and she returns the gesture, almost forced. Then she quickly looks down. Gosh, how I hate this, this walking on egg shells, anything I say will hurt her and that was never my intention.
"Hi, thanks for picking me up" She doesn't answer, she just starts driving. It seems I'll be the one providing the conversation tonight.
"How was your day?" I ask nonchalantly. She seems to think for some seconds and finally raises an eyebrow. The same she raises every time she disagrees with me but doesn't want to argue.
"It was fine, I think, as usual"
This is going to be more difficult than I thought. "Were you able to solve the problem with the computer…" I ask trying to bring up a safe issue, but as soon as the words come out, I want to take them back.
"The computer has a problem…?", she asks surprised. I mentally slap myself for being so silly. "Eh…, so you said last weekend…" Excellent choice, now she has an excuse for a fight, a big one. I almost close my eyes waiting for the outburst, but it doesn't come. When I look at her I notice the clenched teeth and a white knuckle grip on the steering wheel. She lets out a chuckle.
"What…?", I inquire quickly.
"Nothing" comes the quiet reply.
"Come on, what…!?"
"That was not nothing" I argue, trying to force the issue.
"Just drop it, Cathlyn, it's not important"
That strikes me, she never calls me using my complete name, she always uses my short name or a nickname. I swallow again and, for the first time, I feel I'm losing…it. Again, the mixture of emotions, a struggle between hugging her furiously and talking her out of leaving, and pushing her away forever so as not to have to endure this anymore. I do neither. But I am not going to keep this inside me to gnaw on my mind the rest of the week.
"I knew it all along", I just blurt out. She loses control of the car for a split of a second and quickly pulls over.
"You what…!?", She almost cries out unable to conceal the shock.
"I knew it long ago. Even before coming to this city, even before I moved to your house…"
She seems breathless and gasps for air. I suppose her mind is trying to figure out all the details. "How…?" She manages to ask after a long pause.
I shrug my shoulders. "Does it really matter to know how…?"
"This is a fucking nightmare…", she voices softly as she scrubs her face with her open palm. She's mad, I know, she does that to control her anger, she's always keeping her feelings at check.
"I hate it when you do that…!" I comment, a little disappointment in my voice.
A long silence. She's struggling too, I see it.
"Renée, please…don't do this…, don't shut me out." I'm surprised to find myself begging. "Talk to me…"
That seems to be her undoing, for she starts shaking badly. Her eyes well up with tears and she covers her mouth to stifle a sob. I reach out and touch her shoulder slightly. She flinches and stares at me, her eyes blood shot.
The rest happened so fast that I couldn't react. She grabbed her handbag and fled out of the car. I got out of the car too and tried to stop her, but I came too short.
"Renée…!" I called at her.
"Go back home, Cathlyn…", she replied without turning.
My mind is reeling, I feel so lost, for the first time I honestly don't have a clue about what to do. I'm furious, not only she has found out all about me, but she has also been fooling me for the longest time. I feel hurt, betrayed…, laughed at.
I wandered for almost four hours, trying to gather the courage I needed to go back home and face her, because I was sure she was not going to drop the subject easily. Let alone now, that I had gotten mad.
She's always done that, she speaks her mind, she comes out in front, and I'm the one hiding feelings all the time. Whether I'm angry, sad, disappointed, whatever that could cause an argument is swallowed back. Because I know I'm very capable of hurting when I'm hurt. And I don't want to harm her, or get harmed myself…, even more.
'Time to go home, Renée…, call yourself a cab and stop this nonsense' I was unable to finish voicing my thought when I remembered where my cell phone was. I started cursing myself for being so impulsive and having forgotten my cell phone in the car. But I needed to get out, I couldn't face her anymore. There were just too many things, and I would have never ever wanted to have the conversation I had. 'Didn't you know this was going to happen eventually? Were you thinking you were going to go on like this forever, being roommates, playing the teenager for 30 more years…, yeah, right!' I scolded myself. 'Damn!, I did know it was going to happen, I just didn't think it was going to be so soon…'
I laughed at myself. I knew what I had been doing, I was waiting for the impossible to happen. I was waiting for a miracle, the one that would make her look at me as something more than a friend. ' I was fooling myself…, well, time for me to wake up and face reality' Go home.
I don't remember I had ever felt this nervous, my whole body was shaking, it was hard for me to breath and the pounding in my heart was drumming in my head.
I got out of the cab and sighed for the hundredth time, once again it was useless. There was nothing for me to do. Just face her. 'Easier said than done'
The light on the porch was on, like always when one of us was going to arrive late. I entered and turned it off. When I was about to cross the hall to go to my room, I saw her on the couch, she had fallen asleep. The struggle began, for my common sense told me to go and wake her up so she could go to bed, but my survival instinct told me to do otherwise.
If I were her, what would I like her to do? I reflected. 'To be sleeping with me, of course…' Wrong answer. Ok, so how do I wake her up? 'Did you ever see Sleeping Beauty…?' Wrong again. Just act normal, not too soft, not too harsh'.
As I walked towards her I noticed her breathing was too irregular for her to be sleeping and her muscles were not as relaxed as they should be. I couldn't help a smirk on my face. 'She's playing with me, she wants to know what I am going to do… and also how long I am going to take to do it.' Ok, too much rambling.
I came closer and shook her ever so slightly. "Cath, go to bed… tomorrow is working day" I spoke softly and, upon looking at her closer I noticed the tear-stained face. Gods, no matter how mad I am, I can't see her like this, it breaks my heart, more than anything else.
She opened her beautiful eyes and looked straight into mine. "I'm not asleep", she muttered. I took a couple of steps back and commented as I turned around "All the more reason for you to go to bed… good nite!"
I hadn't finished turning and walking away from her when I felt a strong grip on my hand. My heart stopped beating. I turned my head slightly. She was trying to speak but once again, she couldn't. I looked at her and then at her hand holding me. She seemed to catch my meaning. "I'm sorry…"she mumbled and released my hand. I resumed my walking.
"You still hate me…?" she whispered after a pause. It sounded more a statement than a question.
'Geez, B, I could never ever hate you, no matter what you did' my mind screamed at her, but I didn't say anything, just shook my head a little without turning. "You know I don't…", I spoke, my throat was tight and my voice was hoarse.
"Then don't walk away from me again…" she pleaded.
I sighed heavily. My brain was ordering my body to move, but it didn't. "You don't know what you are asking me, you have no idea how hard this is for me…", there was a sob stuck in my throat and I was not going to be able to hold it down if I went on speaking.
"And for me it's supposed to be easy…?", she argued back.
My heart took command of my speech. "You are not the one with the heart shattered into a thousand pieces…"
She looked at me sympathetically. "Well, if you talked to me and tried to set things right, maybe that will help a little…", she paused and sighed, a bit unsure of going on. "but then, you wouldn't say anything because you never speak your heart out. You are always holding everything back and I have never known why. I don't know what you're trying to protect me from, but I can assure you things would be much easier if you were, at least once, honest with me. I think I deserve it…" She was looking at me but her thoughts had gone somewhere else and she got carried away. "And all this last month you've been acting like a stranger… as if you had fallen…, as…, as if you wanted to leave. And every single time I asked you what was going on, you told me not to worry because you had some issues at work that needed solving… I'm not stupid, I know what's going on…"
She paused again and chuckled ironically. "Do you know how I found out about your story? I couldn't take this stoic silence of yours anymore and I wanted so badly to be able to help you with whatever problem was troubling you…and since you had been avoiding me… Anyway, two nights ago I came and knocked on your door, but I got no response from you. I entered just the same and saw you working with the computer. You had your earphones on, reason why you hadn't heard me. Now, when you're working you always keep the lights on, but when you're writing you normally turn all the lights off. So, I decided not to bother you. But then I noticed something wrong about your posture…, you were shaking. I kept on staring for some moments and saw you wipe tears away.
I just stood there feeling sorry for my best friend, but I also felt angry, since you wouldn't have me help. And then, it hit me, all the things I had been told before and all the things I had learned about you were telling me I was the one you were crying over. Of course, my sensible mind ordered me to believe otherwise. I had to know, I needed to know. So, yesterday, when you were gone to the meeting, I checked your computer and found the story… and once I saw my name I simply couldn't stop reading…"
As she spoke, I remembered that night. Yes, I was trying to get some feelings out of my heart and finish the story I had started months before. A story, I had thought, she was never going to read.
I contemplated an ironic remark again, but I decided the opposite; sarcasm didn't lead anywhere. I sighed inwardly long and deep. She was damn right about my shutting out, I've never been good at speaking my heart. 'Be honest with her, just once. You're leaving anyhow and you have nothing else to lose.'
I sat down on the sofa and rested my arms on my knees. "Yes, I know I'm not the easiest person to deal with sometimes… But place yourself in my shoes for once. You meet this lovely person who sweeps you off your feet every time she looks at you. And you strongly warn your heart not to fall for her charms, knowing it's impossible, for every time you are rewarded a smile from her, you are totally lost. And you also know this person is far beyond your reach, and that makes it much more difficult…"
Without my noticing, she has sat on the couch next to me, and she looked at me with an attentive, though unreadable expression on her face. I looked at her and gave out a soft chuckle. "Y'know, when I first saw you I knew we were too different, but as much as I tried, I couldn't help falling for you, flat on my face.
I would like to think of myself as a rational person, but I have a gullible heart, and it kept believing things might change. And I was driven all along by pure hope, though all the time I kept struggling. I knew I was fooling myself, I knew I couldn't make you feel the way I did…, but at some point in time, I decided I was ok with it, I could live with this in my heart and eventually it was going to fade away. But it didn't. I was so stupid, I tried and kept you as a friend instead, being happy like that. And it worked, as long as I didn't talk to you…, so just imagine how difficult it has been for me all this roommate thing…, furnishing all this…, creating a routine…, trying to settle down in a place where my heart would never be at ease. I'm sorry, but it just took it's toll on me. Remember when we were watching a movie and I got all sad about my father's demise and you cradled me as you spoke words of comfort? Remember you told me I was a robot, because I had forced myself to stop crying? You know how many times I looked at you and wanted to run into your arms and give you my heart to do as you pleased?"
I was totally aware of the fact that my rambling was going to break me at a moment's notice, but for some seconds it felt good to let it all out.
"I never, ever wanted you to know. How could you look at me in the eye? There's no going back now and what's worse is that, no matter what I do, I can't change the way I feel about you and I am not sure I want to, either.
I cannot stay here…, not anymore. It's just too hard for me… and I am so very tired of hurting…"
Suddenly, no more words came out. I looked up at her and saw the flood of tears running freely down her cheeks. "You know I'll never hurt you…" I tried to comfort her "I mean, at least not on purpose…but it seems all I've been doing lately is exactly that…" I reflected bitterly. She sniffed back some tears and choked on the words "It's not your fault, nothing about this is…" I felt my face go dark as the thoughts settled in my head. "Don't bet your life on that…I might be more to blame than you think…" No, I couldn't say what I was thinking, maybe that holding back had a reason…, but I couldn't forget that I had knowingly accepted this and I had let her believe I didn't know. And why? The answer was too dangerous to let it surface. "I am sorry, I…never thought…could hurt you…"
I sighed, for the words failed me. I looked up at her again, her eyes were locked on the wall. "I asked you to see it my way… but if I see it your way, I wouldn't want me to continue living here…", she muttered without moving a muscle, her voice was cold and tight.
"Well, good thing we're different…" As soon as the words came out I could have kicked myself in the rear. She glanced up, pain evident in her eyes. Damn! "I…, I meant…, I didn't mean the way it sounded…" Yeah, good choice of words, very convincing. "I'm…, eh…I mean…" C'mon, speak for Gods' sake. All right, breathe in and let it out. "What I am trying to say is that I do not think you have to leave, and… I do not want you to leave…"
Silence lasted for a few seconds until she broke it with a soft chuckle. "Yep, you said that already" She stood up from the couch very slowly. "Good thing we're different…", she mocked me perfectly.
"Damn, Renée, you can be such a bitch sometimes…", I reflected icily. She stood still and frowned at me, a little surprised. "Do you notice you said that outloud?", she asked. "Most certainly", came my reply. We locked eyes and broke off in a loud laugh. I felt as if a heavy weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Yes, her laughter has that power. It has always had it. And I also noticed that it was something I needed…, her laughter…, her voice…, her presence. I had grown accustomed to them, and I had taken them for granted…until now. Our eyes were still locked and I became ever so serious. "I need you".
She glanced at me suspiciously. "No, Cath, you don't need me, you just need somebody…, anybody, but it doesn't have to be me. You'll learn that soon enough." The last sentence was almost whispered, as she turned again and started to walk away. Suddenly, a thought occurred to me. Maybe a change in the strategy…
"Am I so little to you then…?" I blurted out and startled her. She stared at me, not understanding…, obviously. "If I am not enough to make you stay…", I continued, leaving the couch and getting close to her.
"You know you mean a lot to me, Cath, don't see why you'd…"
"Then if I mean that much…" I interrupted her and continued to get closer "you would at least humour me…" She stared at me and stepped back until the wall met her back. "and I am asking it of you, please…, don't leave…" I let my voice trail off until I was right opposite her, our faces only inches apart. I could see her shaking and I felt the tiniest hint of guilt. I knew what I was doing. "You don't know what you're asking…", she looked down, unable to meet my eyes and unable to keep the catch in her voice. Oh, yes, I very much do. I lifted her chin to meet her eyes. I could swear I could hear her heart pounding badly. "Renée, please…don't leave…" I leaned closer so as to leave no doubt about my intentions. Her eyes travelled down from mine to my lips. I whispered in a husky voice "don't leave me…" Hook, line and sinker. She could have never denied what I was offering, no matter how willful she might be, I knew this was beyond her control. And that power I had over her proved to be very appealing. Very much indeed.
'By the Gods, I'm doomed', my mind screamed as I felt her hand lifting up my face. Don't let her do this, you know she's toying with you, you know she doesn't want to do this. I knew I had to stop her before she did something she would regret the rest of her days, but suddenly, as she leaned closer, I was no longer able to move, and even though my mind was ringing all the warning alarms, my body had a mind of its own…, and when my eyes met her lips…, those lips my own had craved for all this time…, leaning in…, seeking mine…
...tasting so sweet…
I could have fainted right there, and I honestly thought I was going to. Suddenly I couldn't think anymore, my troubled mind gave in upon all the new sensations her kiss was creating. And before I could prevent it, my own lips were gladly kissing her back. But among all the feelings, I could distinguish a faint trace of fear…this wasn't real.
'This isn't real…it has to be a dream…it can't be happening.
My, she's a good kisser!
Ok, break off, you need air, you're gonna pass out…breathe for god's sake!'
We broke off and I looked at her. Her cheeks were flushed, her eyes were sparkling and there was a hint of a smile on her brushed lips. When she met my eyes, I saw a number of emotions, but I could swear I saw amusement…triumphant amusement. I contemplated two opposite courses of action: I could snap back and pushed her away so as not to get hurt… or I could not give a damn about the 'should be's' and just enjoy what she was offering freely.
Fear got the best of me…
"Cath, wait, please…, this is not right" I half panted, half muttered.
She didn't step back, leaving me absolutely no room to escape, unless I pushed her back. "Why…?" she inquired hastily, looking straight into my eyes. "Isn't this what you wanted?"
I tried to avert her eyes. "Yes…I mean, no…not like this…" I answered with a catch in my voice. "Not if you don't want to…" I added looking at the little floor space there was between us.
She tried to meet my gaze. "Look at me, Renée…look at me!" Upon looking up, she cupped my faced with her hands, forcing my gaze to linger. Her tone was deadly serious. "If I want to do this or not, it's my decision to make…got it?" She applied a bit of strength on her hands to emphasize her point. "got it…?", she repeated. I nodded shyly. "Good, now…" her voice became huskier and deeper "I am sure we can do better than this"
Our second kiss went a bit further, with our bodies pressed against each other.
By the third we were back on the sofa and by the fourth, we were both lying on the couch. After that, I stopped since I was getting dizzy from lack of air and white flashes of light had started to appear before my closed eyes.
Silence passed between us for some moments, all the time our eyes locked on one another's. She smiled at me and broke the silence. "So, I guess this means you're not leaving…"
I smiled back and silently raised an eyebrow. "Oh, c'mon…!", she exclaimed in a playful tone. I kept my silent smile. "Ok, got the message…" she paused and I noticed how her eyes got darker "You need more convincing…" she added as her lips found mine again.
I didn't need another round of dizzying kisses, I would have said yes to anything since the beginning. She pulled back some seconds, giving me some time to regain my breath…and my consciousness. She didn't grant me too much, though, for she started nibbling down my neck, driving me crazy instantly. Occasionally, she would stop at my hear to whisper seductively. "Renée…, please…"
I couldn't think straight, let alone voice any kind of answer.
"Renée…, please…" her soft, husky voice igniting thousands of feelings all over my body. Pictures of her face were fading in and out inside my head, blurred with more flashes of light, her kisses were driving me insane. More flashes, brighter, longer, and her voice, louder, stronger…pleading…, almost calling out.
Suddenly, my dizziness felt stronger, and my head span badly. I felt sick.
Then more voices seemed to be speaking. "Thanks God, she's coming back…" The light turned almost unbearable and it hurt my eyes. Confusion started leading into panic. "Cath…?", I heard my own voice, hoarse, tight almost like a groan. My hand was being held tight. "Yes, hon, I'm here. It's gonna be ok now…" The blurred images became clear and I felt myself blinking to try to focus. First thing I noticed, a set of familiar green eyes, looking down at me, concern mixed with relieved, unshed tears. Why was she crying?, this was supposed to be a happy moment.
"U crying…? Don't cry…", my raspy voice again and a hand, that appeared to be my own, reaching out to wipe tears away. Another strong warm grip on my hand. "I won't…" As I noticed I was not standing I tried to sit up, but I suddenly felt as if the all the air in my lungs was being sucked out and the spinning in my head got worse. "Don't, you're far too weak…Shh, got to rest now" The words were spoken softly as hands were pulling hair back from my face and softly caressing my forehead. Slowly, realization came to my mind as consciousness came back to my body, and I couldn't help feeling utterly disappointed.
Ok, one last time, then. I reached out for that safe hand and smiled faintly as I felt both her hands squeeze my own. "Cath…", I closed my eyes and absently stroked her hands with my thumb. 'If you just knew…' I finished for myself.
I have always known I had an overactive imagination. But I never knew it could make things seem so real.
I had been unconscious for almost two days, after being involved in a multiple car accident…the day after I finished my story. I had left Cathlyn at the office and headed back home with the intention of sleeping a little, since the previous night I hadn't. My reaction was, therefore, too slow and I couldn't avoid getting hit by the totally-out-of-control car.
And of course, being out, or asleep, or whatever, my mind had created its own two special days. Very special indeed.
So fate again had intervened, and it had helped a lot, since after the accident I have found my mind at ease and my heart…much quieter. Now, when I look at her I see the same eyes I used to love so much, and I know there's love in them. Not the one that I had craved all this time, but one that now seems to be enough for me. The despair and the hurt are almost completely gone. Why? I'll never know, but it doesn't trouble me anymore.
Though, just in case, I have deleted the story from my computer.
Siel Le Dain