Again, this story is mine as well as the characters. And yes, this story depicts two women in a relationship that might go beyond just friendship; so if you're underage or this is illegal where you live…, well, you know the drill.
Speech Disclaimer: People's speech is different in each part, so to make it a bit easier, I put whose thoughts are the ones written. Please bear with me, this is not an easy story to read.
Any (good) comments are welcome at firstname.lastname@example.org; bad ones…just, don't bother.
(Chronicles of an Unrequited Love)
By Siel Le Dain
"If they asked me I could write a book about the way to walk and whisper and look. I could write the preface on how we met, so the world would never forget. And the simple secret of the plot is just to tell them that I love you a lot. Then the world discovers as my book ends, how to make two lovers of friends."
The Question (Cathlyn)
"It's open…" she said out of the habit. I opened the door and found her exactly as I suspected she would be. Buried on the computer screen, without even turning my way. I let silence fall a little, hoping she would notice. She did.
"Sorry…I was just…", she apologized pointing at the screen, and she looked at me, a scrutinizing look on her face.
"Are you too busy…?" I asked, surprised at my own sudden hesitation.
"No, not at all…", she assured and pressed a couple of keys on the keyboard. A window closed, and an unusual wallpaper made its way on the screen. A red light was passing through half a tree leaf, illuminating two sets of two letters. NE RV, and the caption read 'God's in his heaven, all's right with the world'. It was kind of odd…
Her unspoken question made me notice I was staring, so I shook off my head. "I…I was wondering…today is Friday so you might wanna take some time off…"
She looked at me for some seconds, probably pondering. "You want to do something?", she asked casually, as she stood up from the chair. A soft crack of bones erupted from her right shoulder, making her grimace and reach out for the injured part. She started moving her right arm in circles, trying to shake the pain away. "So, what about that invitation of yours…?"
I chuckled nervously. "It's not much of an invitation…, I was just thinking we could interrupt the routine for some hours, don't know, have a couple of drinks…it'll give us a chance to talk…", the last part was almost whispered, since fear took over me again. She noticed and raised an eyebrow at me.
"You want to talk…, is there something wrong?", she inquired. I rushed to answer. "No, no, I just…y'know…like we used to…" I tried to hide the evident nervousness in my voice. It seemed to work, for she dropped her guard for the first time. "Sure…you want me to go buy something?"
"No…I was going to go myself…," Her eyebrow rose again, that sounded wrong. "But we could go together if you wish..." I tried again. Then the other eyebrow joined the first one. "Let's do this…, you go buying and I'll set everything ready here, ok?"
"Ok…, great" I started to exit the room, a little relieved that everything had turned out well…so far. When I was just about to leave, she called out to me. "Cathlyn…" I turned around, a bit startled. She paused and looked straight into my eyes, as if looking for something. "You OK?", she asked, true concern in her voice. "Yeah" I assured.
She didn't buy it. "Sure?"
So far, yes. "Yes, why?"
"Why…? C'mon, how long has it been…?"
I dropped my gaze and my arms fell to the side, defeated. "I know…, but I thought…we could…" I wasn't able to finish my line, since my throat had gotten too tight.
She stared at me for what it seemed an eternity, but finally gave in. "Well, are you gonna go buy or what…?", she exclaimed, the previous dour look on her face gone. Thank God. I smiled sheepishly and nodded. She smiled back at me, warmly. Gods, after a month of scarce greetings, this was a pleasant change.
When I returned she had everything ready and we busied ourselves in the kitchen preparing stuff. Soon enough, the coffee table in our living room was all set and ready. As we were a little bit later, and some seconds after, our drinks.
"A toast?" I questioned raising my glass of late harvest.
"To…?", she asked raising hers.
I smiled contently. "Us, of course… Whom else?" I joked.
"To us then…, to a custom long neglected but never forgotten." She added before taking a long zip of the beverage. I smiled inwardly, another concession of hers. She too was trying.
"Mmm, this is soooo goood", I commented at the sweetness of the wine, drinking longer the second time.
"Yes it is", she gladly agreed, slowly savouring the liquid.
Now, I had to come up with a clever thing to say so as not to have to go trough that awkward silence that was going to build up. A thought occurred to me.
"Is your shoulder giving you trouble?", perfect topic, safe and non-committal.
"Is that position…, and that damn mouse", she said reaching for her shoulder again, "I normally try to use only the keyboard, but there are just too many things I have to use the mouse for…"
"Maybe you need to change the desk…" I suggested as I inwardly pushed away the idea of reaching out for her shoulder and rubbing it…
"Maybe I need to change my job…" she said dryly.
"That sounded to me like changing my life", I reflected bitterly.
"No, my life is OK…, but a better job would come at handy", she softly responded. I panicked, did I say that outloud? She must have seen the horror in my face, for she broke off in laughter. "Yes, you did say that outloud" I looked at her, blinked a few times and tried to say a few words, but none came out. I tried a second time, but nothing happened, so I just gave in. She laughed a little again and reached out for my hand. "You're trying too hard, Cath…" She gave my hand a slight squeeze and I averted her eyes, before she could see the flush that was creeping up my face.
Silence fell on us again, but it didn't feel so awkward this time.
"So, do I have to ask or do I have to wait?", she spoke calmly without looking at me. I blinked a couple of times and took several zips of wine waiting for my shaking to subside. It didn't.
"Ok!", she blurted out after the long pause. "Then I'll do the talking for some moments. I have some theories that need to be either confirmed or discarded…" She looked at me, "is that OK with you…?"
I simply nodded, for my throat had again gotten too tight to utter a word.
She drank up from her glass, put it aside and took my hand in both her own, shifting on the sofa so as to sit right in front of me.
"This is what I think, we've kinda drifted apart this last months. I know you've been a little depressed over that… son of a…, well, not worth mentioning, but you were really distraught some weeks ago, and I shoulda been there for you more, but you knew how I felt about him and I hated, and I mean HATED, to see you suffering about that guy, who I must say was absolutely unworthy of you. Well, the thing is that we did have some…, a lot of arguments about that and we sort of parted. Mainly because I didn't want to see you suffering and you couldn't stand my nagging on you all the time. We said stupid things, I feel I owe you a huge apology, shoulda minded my own business…"
She paused and raised an unconscious eyebrow, she always does this when contemplating her words. She was always too careful of her own words, never allowing herself an outburst of emotion…, well, almost never. I remember those arguments we had, she was very fierce about my need of breaking up. And, of course, at the time I did not see it, but she was right.
She took her hands away and shifted again, breaking me from my reverie.
"I don't know why it affected me so much…it just didn't feel right to let that bastard do what he did without trying to make you see…, and then… when you did break up…, well, then we just got off to a bad ending…, didn't we…" Her voice had softened and acquired a low tone, she was no longer looking at me but at her own hands, idle on her lap. Her eyes had darkened with… regret…or was it guilt?
I sighed long and deep. "I am to blame, a lot… I pushed you away for too long…, and you just kept coming…, until…, well…until…I…" I couldn't voice it. Until that day we had this horrible fight and I wound up insulting you…and hitting you. "And I am so, so sorry…Renče…and I honestly hope you'll ever forgive me…" My voice trailed off and I tried to swallow down the lump in my throat. I could feel a tingle coming down my arms and settling in my hands, and suddenly, it was hard to breathe.
I didn't want to cry…, not in front of her, not this soon. But the past months had been a constant struggle with my feelings, and now, it was all taking its toll on me. I covered my mouth in a desperate attempt to stifle the sobs, but it was useless. Instantly, I felt myself being gathered in a strong embrace, as she spoke words of comfort, and she softly stroked my head.
How long we were like this I do not know, but she never let go of me. And, as my shaking started to subside, I felt as the fears were slowly retreating. I sniffed back a couple of times and sat up, wiping the tears off my face. Upon looking at her, I could see the stains her own tears had left. We were hurting both the same, but I knew it was somehow going to be ok. It had to. Not always one is rewarded with a second chance.
The rest of the evening was spent quietly, without saying too much and both of us being very careful with each other. However, the question I had to ask was still pending, and I didn't feel it was the right moment to bring it up. Maybe not yet.
But once again I was surprised at her insight, since she brought the subject up.
"How are you doing with your therapy…?" she started asking but stopped herself feeling intrusive. "I mean, if you don't mind my asking…", she added meekly.
"Funny you should ask… eh… actually, there is something I wanted to tell you 'bout that…"
She looked at me attentively, though a bit suspicious.
"Well, you know how messed up things have been lately, and I have been able to deal with this, well, sort of… the thing is I talked to my analyst 'bout everything and she told me…that is if it's ok with you of course…, that I could try to talk you into visiting her…" the last part I blurted it out, kind of expecting an adverse reaction.
She looked at me in surprise, her eyebrow up again.
"Pleeease…", I tried with a forced grin.
She smiled back and shook her head. "What am I going to do with you?", she voiced softly.
"Well, I understand if you don't want to go… I mean, it's not like you have to…but…I don't know…" I shrugged. The request was made and the decision was hers now.
"You do realize I hate shrinks, now, d'you?", she commented. I simply nodded.
She stood up and poured some more wine into my glass and then into hers. Then, she suddenly let out a chuckle.
"So there was an ulterior motive for this gathering…!" She blurted out. I panicked, she was getting it all wrong. "No…, I mean, yes…but it's not the one that you think!" I quickly protested. She just gave me one of her looks. I shook my head slightly and looked at the floor "Damn!" I muttered. I fought back the tears that were forming in my eyes again. I had done enough crying for one evening.
She sat back on the couch with her glass in her hand and she slowly put it back on the table. I heard her let out a heavy sigh.
"Alright then, it looks to me I have no choice, do I?", she playfully added.
"Is that a yes…?" I almost pleaded. She smiled at me again.
"I wouldn't want it any other way", she stated.
I made a mental note to thank all the Gods I knew…, later. For the moment, there were some arrangements to be made.
The Fight (Renée)
"Oh, yeah? And what is it to you…!?", she retorted angrily.
I glared at her. "You know I care, I don't want to see you hurt…"
"Well, that, if you don't mind, is only my business", her voice raising in volume and hostility.
I decided to apply my ever-so-cool argument tactic and raised my eyebrow, as if in thought.
"You wouldn't mind that much if you didn't know it's true"
She got angrier still and started losing composure. "Don't give me that crap!", she screamed at me. "This has nothing to do with you…I don't even know why I listen to you…"
More 'keep-your-cool' stance. "You asked me my opinion…" I let my voice trail off, so that she'd give it a thought.
"Yes I did, and I couldn't possibly regret anymore…" she snapped back ironically.
Were we getting somewhere? I shook my head slightly.. I was too stubborn to let go and she was sure she was right to even pay attention to me. I pondered for some seconds if I had to speak my mind or whether it was better to not say anything at all and let her find out by herself.
What was the cold stab I started feeling? Was it anger? Was I so eager to prove my point that I just forgot better judgement?
"Ok, Cathlyn, do as you like…I'll tell you one more thing though…" My face went dark and I could taste the acidity in my voice, a lopsided smile added to my attack. "Just ask him who Paula is…"
It took her some seconds to get my words settled inside her head and some more to believe them. Some more and she gave me the most dour look I had ever seen on her face. If looks could kill, I'd have dropped dead right there.
"Get the fuck outta here!" She let the words out of her mouth with a deadly calmness.
My ironic self took hold of me again. "Don't worry, I'll leave you to your thoughts" I added closing the door to her room.
Gods, I was furious, how could she be so blind? She was being lied to on her face…
But of course, when one thinks one's right… And I was so convinced he wasn't the right man for her, from the moment I first saw the way he treated her, I knew she was going to end up badly hurt. And now, on top of everything, he was shamelessly cheating on her. I felt I had to do something, I hated to see my friend suffering.
Three days passed and things did not get better between the two of us, we would follow our routines scarcely greeting one another. Until that day…
I had heard her come in around seven p.m. and by the way she strode around the house, it seemed to me she was more upset than usual. I decided not to go check on her for I would probably make it all worse. But then, at some point after her pacing down the whole house, I felt her strides leading to my room. Two seconds later, my door flung open.
She was absolutely distraught. Tears had stained her face and reddened her eyes, eyes twisted with rage. Without saying anything she strode towards me, a menacingly determined look on her face. She stood in front of me, leaving a space of only inches between us.
"How long did you know it?", she inquired hotly, hands on her hips.
I stepped back a little, more out of the habit than actual fear.
"Does it really matter how long I knew it…? I tried to brush off her question by turning away from her. She quickly followed and grabbed me by the shoulders, forcing me to face her.
"Answer me, dammit!, she cried out, tightening the grip on my shoulders. I tried to get away, but her grip was surprisingly strong.
I glared at her. "Let go…" I demanded. The grip got even stronger, her eyes were focused on me, anger evident in them…but there was something more, something deep and dark…, sorrow perhaps.
She noticed my scrutinizing look and shoved me back. "Give me one real answer for once in your life!"
"Ok!" I replied loudly "I knew it all along…" I finished in a much lower tone.
"And you, of course, knew this was going to happen… Why the hell didn't you tell me before!? Why did you have to wait till…?
"What!? I did try to tell you…" I interrupted.
"No, you fuckin' didn't. You just wanted to prove yourself right!!!"
"Prove what!?" This was getting out of proportions.
"That you were right, as always… Now you've got the chance to say I told you so!!!" She bit back acidly.
"Well, if you listened to people more often, there wouldn't be any room for I told you!!" I mocked sarcastically, "or maybe, if you opened your eyes you'd be able to see beyond your own nose!!!!!!" I yelled at her, losing my composure almost completely.
That did it. I think. She just snapped. And I never saw it coming. She turned upon me and pushed me furiously against the wall. Her outburst caught me off guard and I stumbled back some paces, finally falling down against the mirror that was fastened to the wall.
She never stopped pushing, so her strength added to my fall, made the blow harder. My head snapped back against the glass and the mirror shattered noisily. I slowly fell on the floor as I felt the warm liquid tripping down the back of my neck. After that, everything became a blur.
I was to blame as much as she was, it would be my conclusion later…much later. But the aftermath was hard for both of us, since the event created a rift between that was not going to be bridged easily. We both closed ourselves for good, we were both feeling guilty but we both were too proud to admit it.
Realization (Renée and silent therapist)
I remember in the beginning, we used to kiss each other good night,everynight,andourhugwouldlingersomeextraseconds,likeifwewerethankingeachotherforbeingthere.Andwewerejustroommatesatthattime'85this was the time I came to know I loved her. This was the time when I used to look at her eyes and saw love reflected back at me…, maybe not the love I was looking for, but an honest, true caring. This was the time long before my shutting out…, long before I started feeling guilty about loving her.
Because at some point in time, my head convinced my heart my love was unrequited, so my heart started closing all the doors that led to it, the doors I had gladly opened to her. And then my heart started hating her, for not corresponding my love, for not caring the way I did…
Of course she must have figured everything out by now… Because I have given her all the signs…, well. I also deliberately tried to give her some misleading signs…I never wanted to be that obvious.
Oh, no, for me it was very easy to realize I loved her. There were many things that rang the bells inside my head.
Example…? Well, the fact that every time I heard her laugh my heart skipped some beats and my chest became heavy.
Or maybe the way my body learned to acknowledge her presence…for every time she came closer my heart would start pounding at double rate.
Or perhaps the fact that I yearned for that casual touch or those lingering hugs.
And what about all the times in which I had to avert my eyes from her because my wandering gaze had landed near very dangerous places…and the way I blushed furiously when this happened.
Specially, how every song I heard reminded me of her and made me create this fantastic scenarios where I could dedicate those beautiful tunes to her.
And the nights craving…, longing…, dreaming…, hurting because the idea of her not corresponding was too painful to bear…
What…? What signs? What signs have I missed…? What signs are you talking about…? Oh, no…the signs have only been one-sided. No, there are no such signs from her part, believe me, if there had been any I would have most definitely seen them…
Yes, of course she cares…, she used to care a lot and there even were sometimes when she remembered more details about me than me myself.
And there was a time when she used to get nervous if I openly expressed some feelings towards her…yes, really. But this happened only when we were alone…, no, she was kind of different when we were with more people around.
Well, you know, nervous…kind of uncomfortable maybe…I don't know. But it wasn't all the time, there were just too many others in which she would just brush it off. That was the thing, it was like, just after getting all complicated because I had said something, next minute, she would act as if was nothing.
It doesn't tell me anything… why, it should…?
Of course I'm confused, as I said, sometimes is like she cares, some others, she doesn't. Ah, you're not talking about me…Well, now I'm confused.
She is confused…? About what!? Oh, no, you got that wrong. I mean, it's not possible for her to…, no…, it can't be.
What can't be? That she loves me…at least not like that…that can't be!
Why…? Just because… How come you are so sure about that?
Yeah, well, you're right, you're her therapist, you'd probably know… But, I don't want to fall for false pretenses…
Because if I do, she'll just break my heart, dammit! I know her, I know the way she feels, ok!!!!?
Ok, ok, I'll calm down… Look, all I know is three things… First is that I'm so much in love with her it hurts; second, I'm sure she's aware of my feelings for her and I'm sure she does not harbour the same feelings…and third, even if she did, being confused means this is not the right way for her…, so, one way or another, it's better to leave it alone.
I mean by that I can't go on like this, having her so near, because I'll never stop thinking about her. So perhaps the best thing to do is to leave…for good. That way, she'll be able to settle down without any complications and I'll have to move on…as simple as that.
Of course I'll let her know…, I'm not gonna leave without saying anything…I'm not that type…
Besides, if I don't talk to her she might think this is all because of that fight we had…
Of course not! How could it be? I forgave her long ago…, and it was as much my fault as hers. I hurt her when she was most sensitive. I know I did wrong...I let my feelings for her block any logical course of action and the only thing that was left was anger. I think, maybe, deep down inside I wanted her to suffer, to be hurt...as I was.
How could I be proud of such thing!? I don't know whether your asking is real or is just to have me talk...Well, anyway, of course I'm not proud...If I could take everything back to the beginning I would have been much more care fulwithmywordsandmyways.AndIwouldhavetriedtoconvincemyselfEARLIERthatshewasnrquotettoblamefornotlovingme...
And there you go again... Yes, I know she loves me..., as a friend, as family maybe...but not as a woman. And I love her like that..., therefore, our being under the same roof is pointless.
Yes, I strongly believe that... Should have seen it long ago. Look, just for you to know, I will talk to her and I will tell her I'm leaving. I'll explain, however, that it's not because of her, but me. And that I have to move on. And no, I won't discuss my true feelings...
And yes, that's my final decision.
The Therapy (Renée, Cathlyn and almost silent therapist)
"But I love you…"
"Of course you do…it's impossible for you not to love a person…"
"I don't care about the rest, I'm talking about you!"
"I know, honey, but in the end you'll find out this was the right thing to do. You'll be able to move on…"
"I don't want to move on…"
"What is it you want, then…?"
"I don't know, everything's been too messed up to know what I want…I'm confused…"
"Of course you're confused…and I don't want to be the cause for that confusion. See my point?"
"I thought you cared about me…"
"Oh, but I do, baby, I do care about you, more than you will never know. And that's exactly why I have to go."
"And stay as your what!? Dammit, Cathlyn, don't you see it? I'm gonna stay to go on hurting in silence!!!"
"You still can't forgive for what I did? God, Renče, how can you be so proud!!? I told you I was never going to be sorry enough…!"
"Cath, it's not about that…!! What happened is long forgiven…"
"Then I do not understand what the hell is so wrong!!"
"Why is it being with me is so wrong?"
"Cathlyn, this is not about you, alright?, this is about me. I cannot stay...here..."
"You can't stay here or you can't stay here with me?"
"Again...this is not about or because of you..., get that into your head, ok?"
"No, Cathlyn, just stop this. I don't even want to go on arguing about this."
"You're the one who's leaving, remember?"
"Yeah, and you're the one who'll have to deal with it, ok?"
"You are being unfair...and rather unpleasant"
"Unpleasant...nice word. Why don't you say what you really think and tell me I'm being a bitch!?"
"I have to speak my mind!?? Who's the one who's always hiding everyhting from me?"
"I don't hide things from you!!"
"Oh, you don't? Are you sure? How about your feelings? You don't hide your feelings for me?"
"Told you I don't hide feelings from you..."
"I said your feelings FOR me..."
"I'm not interested in going on with this conversation..."
"As you are not interested in going on with this relation..."
"What relation, Cathlyn!? We DO NOT have a relation!!!"
"But you wish we did, don't you?"
"Please, Renče, be honest to me only once. Look into my eyes...C'mon, look at me! Good, now tell me you are not leaving because of our fight..."
"I am not leaving because of our fight"
"Tell me you are not leaving because I hurt you..."
"I'm not leaving because you hurt me"
"Then tell me why are you leaving..."
"Renče, please, I think... I deserve much more... than your lies"
"Oh, God...No, Cath, don't cry now, don't cry, honey. I'm sorry, I know I can be very hard-headed sometimes... C'mere, baby, I'm sorry..."
"I don't understand why you act as if you hated me sometimes and then you act so tenderly..."
"Shh, I don't hate you...I could never hate you..., no matter how much I've tried...I just can't"
"Why would you...try to hate me?"
"Because my single-track mind thought it was the only way to try and get you outta my heart"
"Don't say anything, please. It'll only make it worse. Just let me hold you for a while..., before you kick me outta the house yourself..."
"Why would I do that...?"
"Because you're in love with me?"
"I'm not stupid, I can feel it...everytime you hold me I feel your love around me like a warm blanket. And your heart always pounds faster and you're always worried about my being ok, you're even overprotective!"
"Renče, wait, don't go away...!"
"Leave it alone, Cath...there's nothing more to talk about..."
"You're gonna keep running away, aren't you? I really thought you were stronger..."
"Yeah..., so did I..."
"Doctor, tell her she can't go..., she's supposed to stay and deal with her feelings..."
"I CAN'T FORCE HER, IT'S HER DECISION"
"Look, Cath, I've been dealing with my feelings for a long time now. I did what you asked me, I came here and talked to this lady, and I disclosed things I would have never wanted to, or at least not to you..."
"I might, but it's my call anyhow. I have to go because my staying is not fair for either of us. You'll see it eventually."
"You're so wrong..."
"Rather be wrong than making a terrible mistake. I'm sorry, this should've been different for you. But you have to believe I meant no harm..., it just got off my hands, should've seen it comin' when we settled for this roommate thing..."
"Renče please think it over."
"Gotta go now, gotta get everything settled. Bye Doctor, thanks for your time."
"Bye, Cath, see you later."
The sound of the call for the passengers of Flight 964 made itself heard once again. I looked up at the gate, I had to get going.
"So, where is our happy ending?" Her voice was low, with a trace of sadness.
I looked at her for some moments, retracing all the features I had come to love so much. "I'm sorry, baby, but, as much as I would like to know, that is an answer I don't have."
She looked down, hands shaking. She was battling to keep the tears under check but she was losing.
I reached out for her face and lovingly stroked her cheek with my thumb. "Cath…" I softly voiced.
She raised her eyes to meet my gaze. My resolve threatened to fade right there. But I knew I had to leave. We couldn't be together, a relationship like ours would not have lasted long, and eventually, I would have blamed her for not being honest to herself and she would have blamed me for taking advantage of her.
"C'mere…" I whispered as I gathered her in a fierce hug. She held onto me as if her life depended on it and I stroked the back of her head to try to calm her.
"I'm sorry…", she pulled back a little and tried to choke the tears back, but failed miserably, as she dropped her head down onto my shoulder and cried openly.
I kissed her on top of her head. "Don't be sorry, beautiful, it's gonna be ok…, please don't cry, don't cry now…"
How twisted could this be? Me, in an airport, with the woman I'm desperately in love with crying in my arms because I'm leaving…? But I knew I had to leave, I was not going to be able to go through another heartbreak again.
My doubts seemed to mirror her own, for among her sobs she asked "Why don't you want to stay with me…, why do you want to leave me…?"
I grabbed her shoulders and pulled her back to meet her face. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes now, I had to speak quickly. "Don't do this, Cath, don't say that, you know I can't stay…If I stay I'm gonna ruin the only chance of relationship I have with you…" My throat was so tight it was difficult to speak. "If I stay, we will blame each other afterwards…I'll call you a make-believe and you'll call me God knows what…" I couldn't voice anything any further. It's so hard…when your head says no and your heart says get down on your knees…
Another call for Flight 964 got me back to reality. "I have to go…" The lump in my throat made my voice hoarse. I disengaged from her hold and started to pick up my bags, trying to look anywhere but into her eyes. When I was ready to depart, I looked at her again. Another tough test for my resolve…she was standing with her shoulders down, her head hung low, her hands shaking like leaves and the tears hadn't stopped flowing. It took everything in me not to cross the three-pace distance between us and kiss her in front of a thousand of strangers…, not that they mattered too much, though.
"Cathlyn…" I called out instead, softly pronouncing each letter, as if it were the last time I was going to say her name. "Please, look after yourself…ok?"
She looked up and swallowed hard. Her eyes bore a pain that matched my own. "I will…" she nodded.
She paused and for a split of a second I thought I saw a spark in her eyes, as if an idea had struck.
In two long, determined strides she crossed the three-pace distance between us and kissed me full on the lips…in front of a thousand of strangers… And of course, with my hands full of bags and my mind on anything else but that, I had no time to recoil. Not that I could, either, for no matter how much my head was ringing all the warning alarms, my body had a mind of its own.
The bags found the floor instantly, as my hands went to cup her face, and I welcomed her kiss by kissing her back…as I had dreamt so many times.
My dreams, however, were far more pleasant, for the sadness and the hurt that accompanied our goodbye kiss, brought once again tears to my eyes. We broke apart and I was surprised to see more tears in her eyes, though the determined look on her face told me there was something more in there.
She cupped my face in a strong grip. "Listen to me", her voice low. "You have not heard the end of it, you hear me…, there's much more to be written…"
I was unable to say anything, all my masks and shields had been torn apart. She tightened her grip a little more and kissed me again. This time, I felt in her lips the hint of a promise. She broke off again and stepped back. "Call me when you arrive…", she added turning away from me and quickly heading to the exit.
I stood there, paralyzed for some seconds, my mind reeling with the message as I tried to regain control of my body.
"Miss…we're leaving…" the soft voice of the girl standing at the gate spoke. The fact that she had been there all the time registered in my mind as a furious blush crept up my face.
I picked up my bags and silently cursed myself. The trip was going to be much worse than I had expected.
But, somehow, I knew it was not going to be the end…that there was still much to be written…
Hopefully, the days of unrequited love were over.
Nov - Dec 2003