War of the Frying Pan

By Smenzer

Email: Smenzerberranzan@aol.com

Rating: PG

Disclaimer: The characters are not mine. They belong to Studios USA or

Whoever owns the Rights to Xena: Warrior Princess. This is just for fun. No money is being made.


The year was 2001 and Ares sat in front of his computer, surfing the Internet. He went to one of his favorite places, eBay. He could find all sorts of cool things here, not that he was really looking for anything. In fact, he really didn't need anything because he was a God. But he enjoyed browsing through the various categories and looking at the photos. He found it highly entertaining.... and addictive! He was about to pass over an auction for a frying pan when he noticed the user ID of the high bidder.


It was Hercules! His half-mongrel brother was trying to win a frying pan! And with a high bid of only 5 dinars he was sure to win. After all, it was just an ordinary frying pan with no special qualities. No one else would want it at all. Which meant that Ares just had to bid on it! "Get ready to rumble, Little Brother! This is War!"


Hercules signed into eBay and checked his bidding page. He was shocked to see he was loosing the auction on the frying pan. "Phooey! I really need that frying pan! Iolaus and I have that camping trip planned and I need one to take with us. It'll be just like the good old days again but without all the fights and people trying to kill us. At least Ares doesn't other me anymore."

Hercules' face paled when he saw the user ID of the current high bidder:


"That's MY frying pan! You don't even NEED a frying pan!" Hercules quickly went down to the bottom of the page and bid again. Now the price was up to 20 dinars. It was a bit high but he could live with it. After all, the description said it was a NEW frying pan. "You better not bid again, Ares."


Ares refreshed his page and laughed, his mouth open wide so if one was there you could see down his throat. Water ran from his eyes and his stomach ached. "Oh, this is SO good! Hercules wants to war over a frying pan! He just can't stand loosing to me. Well, you want to play? Then lets REALLY play!"

The God of War went down to the bidding box and typed in 120 dinars. "Let's see you top THAT, Hercules!"


Hercules heard the familiar "You've got mail!" and checked his email. It was an outbid notice from eBay. Someone had already outbid him on the frying pan! Hercules gritted his teeth. He HATED it when someone, especially Ares, beat him. And he knew he couldn't let Ares win. If he let his so-called brother beat him now, Ares would never leave him alone.

"This is MY frying pan, Ares! Go find your own!" Hercules typed a dinar amount in the box and pressed the BID button. A red message appeared on his screen: GodofWar has outbid you. Hercules squared his jaw and bid again.


Gabrielle checked her auction page and almost fainted. The frying pan she had listed for 5 dinars had climbed to 60 dinars!

"Why is it going so high? It's just a frying pan!"


Ares kept refreshing the auction page until he couldn't see anymore. Tears from laughter blurred his vision. He finally toppled out of his chair onto the floor and lay there.


Gabrielle refreshed her page and almost fainted. This was unbelievable! She started jumping up and down from pure joy and excitement. It was up to 95 dinars!


Hercules growled, a deep rumble in his throat. What kind of number did Ares put on this auction anyway? A 1000? The Demigod breathed in and out loudly, his breath fogging his computer monitor temporarily. Determined to win at all costs, he bid again.


Gabrielle watched with rapt attention. Her auction would end any minute and she wanted to see what amount she would be getting. The last minutes ticked away and she screamed.

"A 132 dinars! Xena, I just sold that frying pan for 132 dinars!!!"


"Are you crazy? We don't HAVE a 132 dinars! That frying pan, heck, NO frying pan is worth 132 dinars!"


"I'm sorry, Iolaus. I don't know what came over me. I just couldn't let Ares win that frying pan!"


"Ares? Herc, we haven't seen Ares for over 100 years! Get over him!"


"You sold that frying pan for 132 dinars?"


"YES! I did! 132 dinars plus shipping!"


"Here, go list these pots and pans. Oh, wait! I got lots of junk in the closets and the cupboards and in the basement. I'll go get it!"


Ares finally picked himself up off the floor. Someone was ringing his front doorbell. He ran a hand through his black hair and went to answer it. His jaw dropped open in shock.


"Can I borrow 132 dinars?"


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