Disclaimer – I do not own them. I do own this fic.
Notes – Xena POV. Season Three angst.

Watch Me Fall

Spheeris spheeris1@yahoo.com

How the Gods must laugh now, watching me fall so far from the place I used to be...

She showed me how to live, how to capture the golden ring. She brought out the best and kept the worst at bay.
And some crumbling warlord, some flailing child, some broken woman in leather... I sank into her arms and wished the world of pain away.

I took you in and made you a part of me. I stand here and my knees want to buckle. I want to scream for you and, yet, I watch you walk away.

In this empty temple of virginal love, I hear the deep chuckle from on high. 
That god of all things violent, humor at my weak heart. That goddess of all things lovely, humor at my naked emotions. And every sin ever committed, paid for with this worthless bunch of flowers in my hand.

You looked back, though why... I don't know. You looked back like I might fade when you turned that corner. And you were right. I am fading. I am disappearing. You made me real. Who am I now?

How they all laugh, all shades of who I have been, just lurking under the skin and bones. Laughing at my impotent want and my sickening loss. Laughing at the knife in my heart. Laughing at the openness, at the agony... Laughing at my memories of green eyes, soft lips, forever in a glance...

I wish I could have you, take you home, make love to you, make you my bride, give you children, give you a life, give you all of me. I'd build the bed we sleep upon. I'd stoke the fire in your body. I'd stop running, stop fighting, stop killing, stop the guilt. I'd make you mine. I'd hold you close. Until death... until death, Gabrielle. I'd make that vow. I'd say those words.

But by this altar, I am alone.
You've stepped into the sun with your husband. And I am not your groom, I am not your dream, I am not your future. Just your past.
And how funny it all is, to everyone, this simple and terrible turn of fate.


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