I Found My Heart in San Francisco

Book 1: Awakenings

By: S X Meagher

Disclaimers: See Chapter 1

Feedback: I'm consumed by self-criticism; therefore only positive feedback will be read. If you enjoyed the story please stroke my fragile ego, if not, flush it from your memory bank and move on. You can email me at sx_meagher@mindspring.com

Chapter 10

Thanksgiving break was coming up in only 2 days. The break was only Thursday and Friday but Jamie planned on spending the time at her parents' home, mainly because she couldn't think of a valid reason not to. She and Jack would spend Thanksgiving afternoon with her family and then have a light supper with Jack's family.

The break was a great time for Jamie to catch up on all of her reading for her classes as well. Staying on top of her reading was getting more difficult with all of her training, so she really needed at least 2 days of uninterrupted concentration. She had devised a training schedule that emphasized bike riding in lieu of weight training for the week, since she had decided not to go into Berkeley on Friday for her training session since the trip would take up most of the early evening. Ryan was more than willing to meet her at the gym, but Jamie thought it was important to not make any plans to go to Berkeley in case her parents or Jack wanted to occupy her time.

She did, however, make plans with Ryan to go on a long ride on Friday morning. She knew that Jack would study during the day and since she was staying with her parents he wouldn't even need to know she was going. They decided to meet at a big regional park that had a lot of attractive bike paths, mainly because she just didn't think it was a good idea to have Ryan meet her family yet.

On Thanksgiving morning she and her father sat in the sunny library as they enjoyed a cup of coffee. "I've been worried about you a little bit Honey. Did everything work out between you and Jack?"

"Yeah, Daddy, we talked it out the next day," she affirmed. She did not think it wise to involve her parents in the details of her relationship with Jack, but she appreciated her father's interest.

"I got the impression that things had been difficult for a while, Honey. Do you want to talk about it?"

"No, not really. I think we're just going through a phase. He doesn't like some of the changes I've been making but I really think he'll get used to my being a little more independent."

"I must admit that I was concerned when Jack mentioned that your new friend was a lesbian," he stated thoughtfully. Jamie felt her hackles start to rise as she looked at him carefully, hoping he would drop the matter. When she didn't respond he persisted, "Well?"

"Well what, Daddy?" she asked blankly.

"Why are you spending your time with her, Jamie? That hardly seems appropriate for a young woman like you," he stated.

"What do you mean by 'a young woman like me'?" she asked. "Ryan is a perfectly lovely young woman also."

"But Jamie, you're a young woman who's engaged to be married. Don't you think it's wiser to spend your time cultivating friendships that can carry over into your married life? You two need to build some relationships with other couples," he explained.

"Ryan is my friend. I enjoy her company, Daddy. The fact that she is a lesbian is an inconsequential element of our relationship. I think it would be nice to have some friends who were in a couple but since we never leave Jack's apartment, that's a little hard to do."

"Well, Jack certainly didn't seem to think that it was inconsequential and as he made clear, neither does Cassie." He paused for a moment as he regarded her carefully. "Is your new friend more important than Jack's feelings?"

"Yes, she is Daddy. If his feelings are based on preconceived, stereotypical notions of what a lesbian is." She looked at him sadly, "I really thought you were more open minded than this."

"I am profoundly open minded Jamie. And I do not like being referred to as otherwise," he said with a good deal of pique.

"Then why do you assume that Jack and Cassie's opinions are more valid than mine?" she replied logically. "I'm the one who knows Ryan. They have spent less than 10 minutes with her."

"I'm not implying that their opinions are more valid, Jamie. I am saying that I don't feel it's appropriate for you to spend an inordinate amount of time with someone like that. You've known Jack for 3 years and Cassie for 7. They know you very well, Honey. Why would they feel the way they do if there wasn't something about this woman that was of some concern?"

"I truly believe that they have let their prejudice take over. Jack admitted that he's jealous of her because he assumes she'll try to get me into bed!" she said with an exasperated look.

"And why do you assume she won't?" he asked with his own look of frustration.

"Well at least it's nice to know you're not narrow minded," she said as she deposited her coffee cup on the table and stormed out.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Dinner was a very tense affair. Not even Reverend Evans could add much spark to the occasion. He realized that something was seriously wrong between his son and his granddaughter but he did not have the opportunity to speak with Jamie alone to determine what it was.

Before Jamie left he embraced her and said into her ear, "Call me tomorrow." She pulled back after kissing his cheek and quietly agreed.

On the drive to the Townsends Jack finally asked the obvious question. "What's going on between you and your father? You two were shooting daggers at each other all day."

She gave him a thoughtful look as she debated how much to tell him. Finally deciding that it was better to know she asked, "Did you talk to him about our problems?"

He shot her a perturbed glance as he replied, "No, Jamie, I have not. Frankly, I'd be embarrassed to admit how little you respect my opinions."

"Pull the car over, Jack," she said in a tone that did not allow for discussion. He pulled over onto a lovely tree lined street on the outskirts of Hillsborough. He killed the engine and rolled down his window to let some of the crisp fall air into the tension filled car. He turned as much as he could in the little import and faced Jamie with a look of quiet resignation on his face.

"Yes?" he asked wearily.

"It's obvious that both you and Daddy are unhappy with the changes that I've been making," she said slowly. "But even though I love both of you very much neither of you are going to control me." She took a deep breath as she continued. "We can have a good life together Jack, but it has to be a life where both of us get to be who we really are."

He sat in silence for a few minutes; his shoulders still a little slumped. Finally, he took a deep breath and slowly let it out. "Look, Jamie. I know you're used to getting everything you want. I know you've been terribly spoiled both with material things and by always having things done your way." He ignored her look of outrage and blithely continued. "But that's part of you and I'm willing to accept that most of the time. But you've got to learn that there are some things that you're going to have to give in on. It can't be me who has to give in all of the time," he explained as patiently as he could.

She was silent for a long time as she dropped her head back against the vinyl seat. Shaking her head slowly she asked in a voice filled with sorrow, "Is that really how you think of me? As a spoiled little rich girl who gets everything she demands?"

"Well, yes," he said confidently. "I feel like I'm supposed to make the sacrifices in our relationship and I've got to admit that I'm growing a little tired of it."

Her anger had been bubbling up throughout his explanation and when he finished she felt the words begin to fly from her mouth. "What sacrifices have you made, Jack? I'm dying to hear them," she said bitterly. "Tell me about how you have to leave your house in rush hour traffic every Friday night. Tell me how you no sooner arrive than you have to start dinner, alone, while I sit in the living room and read. Tell me how you feel when I barely comment on what you've made. Tell me how you do the dishes alone while I continue to read. Tell me about how you sit in the living room and watch me study every Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Tell me about how you feel when the only time I pay attention to you is when we have sex. Tell me how you lie in bed and get so frus..." She yanked herself back from the abyss just before she told him exactly how unhappy she was with their sex life. The tension in the car was so thick that it was nearly visible, but she was afraid to look at him. Long minutes passed before he finally spoke.

"I didn't realize you were so miserable," he got out as a tear escaped down his face.

"I'm not miserable!" she said fervently. "I'm not!" She lifted her hand to his face and softly stroked his cheek. "I'm not," she whispered as the tears started to slide down her own cheeks. "Are you miserable, Jack?" she asked softly.

"No," he said shakily through his tears. "But I was so much happier before. You seemed happy too," he said. "Now you just seem tense around me. I know you're not happy, Jamie and it's driving me crazy!" he choked out as he began to sob. She continued to stroke his cheek and run her fingers through his hair for a long time. As he got control of his voice he added, "I know you don't like what we do in bed. But I just don't know how to please you. I swear I've never had this problem with any other woman. I just don't know what to do," he moaned.

"It's okay, Jack. I swear I'm not unhappy with you. It's just that I'm changing and growing up a little bit. I love to come down here on the weekends, and I love to cook for you. But when you give me such a hard time about what I do when we're not together it just drives me insane! I think that's why it's been hard for me in bed," she admitted. "I need to feel totally connected with you to be able to enjoy sex. When we have this ongoing tension I just can't relax. But that's all it is, Honey, I'm sure of it."

He looked over at her with an expression that was equal parts fear and trust. The sadness in his sweet blue eyes nearly broke her heart. "Honey, can we get out for a moment?" she finally asked.

He looked a little suspicious but he complied, coming around to stand on the sidewalk next to the car. She got out and stood right next to him as she put her arms around his waist. He slid his arms around her back and held her close for a long time. He bent his head to smell her hair and breathe in her reassuring scent as he felt some of the tension ebbing away. Jamie felt the same way and she looked up into his eyes and said, "I feel so good when you hold me. It just feels so right to be close to you."

He squeezed her tightly as he felt the emotion well up in his chest. "I'll try harder, Jamie. I swear I will."

* * * * * * * * * * * *

The evening spent with the Townsends was thankfully more jovial than the tension filled afternoon at the Evanses. Jack came from a fairly large extended family and a raft of aunts, uncles, cousins and their children were in attendance. Jamie spent some time playing with the assorted children and that lifted her spirits substantially. She took a little break to go into the kitchen and offer to help. She noted that every adult woman was in the kitchen chatting about their kids and their husbands. The conversation was fairly interesting, but it just seemed a bit alien to her. After her offer of help was rebuffed she went into the living room to watch a bit of the Dallas-Philadelphia game on TV. She paid close attention to the conversation and noted that not one man mentioned his spouse or his kids. They talked exclusively about the game, politics and their jobs. Are we really so different? How can we ever expect to get along for 50 years if we just aren't interested in the same things?

She was not really included in the conversation and she realized that Jack didn't even seem that happy to have her in with the men. Even though she knew more about football than half of them, she felt like her comments wouldn't be appreciated so she eventually went back to play with the kids.

It's odd how I feel so out of place here. When I'm at the O'Flaherty's I never feel like a woman, I just feel like me. The boys treat me like one of them, not like I'm different. But here it feels like there are two different camps and I'm not in either one. The women don't accept me because I'm not a mother yet and the men never will. Where do I belong?

Jack's cousin Stephanie had a 6 month old boy named Ethan that Jamie was drawn to. She whisked him away and carried him around the house as she spoke into his ear. Stephanie was at least 10 years older, but she was the cousin closest in age to Jamie. "You can get one of these for yourself," she teased as she came up from behind.

"Not for a long while," Jamie said confidently. "I'm sure I won't have a child before I'm 30." She had not noticed, but Jack was standing next to Stephanie and as Jamie turned she caught the shadow that passed over his face. Now what did I do?

"So you want to keep her all to yourself for a while, huh Jack?" Stephanie asked playfully.

"Jamie's the boss," he said with a thin smile as he turned to head back to the safety of the football game.

Well that answers that question, she thought disgustedly. They left her alone with the baby and her thoughts immediately turned to her friend, I wonder if Ryan has commandeered Caitlin by now, she thought wistfully. I'd give anything to be with the O'Flaherty's today. I wonder if Jack will mind if I spend all of the holidays with Ryan after we're married? she thought with a disgusted sigh.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

After Jack dropped Jamie off at her parents home the next morning she spent a long time getting ready for her bike ride. The park was a good 10 miles away, but she decided to ride there just so she could leave earlier. As she came downstairs her mother regarded her with alarm. "Where are you going in that outfit?" she said as she stared at the skin tight black shorts and the equally snug emerald green jersey.

"I'm going on a bike ride, Mother," she replied airily as she continued down the stairs.

Her mother continued to stare at her, so Jamie did not even stop to get a bottle of water. She nearly jogged to the front door and grabbed her bike from the open garage and took off. Ahhh, freedom.

When she finally met up with Ryan she was already a bit tired. She told her friend the bare outline of the conversation with her father, but she elaborated on the two dinners that she had endured and included the low points of her argument with Jack. Ryan listened carefully, but could not really offer much solace.

Ryan had of course had a lively Thanksgiving. "It was exactly like the party for my birthday except we had cranberry sauce and dressing but no cake. I stole Caitlin right at the start and I didn't have to give her up all day," she gleefully related. "You should hurry up and get married so I can play with your kids," she teased.

As soon as those words hit her ears Jamie was struck by a bolt of panic. She realized with perfect acuity that Ryan would not be a part of her future. Jack would never allow Ryan to attend their family dinners and carry their children around the house. Her father would never warmly welcome Ryan into his home. Marrying Jack would necessarily destroy her friendship with Ryan.

"Jamie, what's wrong?" Ryan asked in alarm as she got a look at her friend's face.

"I think I have a cramp in my thigh," she said as she stopped her bike and hopped off. Ryan did the same and bent down to examine the affected part. While Ryan was bent over Jamie did her best to compose her face. She was absolutely not going to share this revelation with her friend. Ryan began to knead the muscles in her thigh while she gazed up at Jamie's face. After a moment she asked, "Is it better now?"

"Much," Jamie replied as she forced a smile. She gazed at her as she worked on the leg for another minute. I can't lose you Ryan. I am not going to let them take your friendship from me. No matter what!

* * * * * * * * * * * *

After they had ridden for a good 10 miles Jamie pled exhaustion so they found a nice grove of trees and sat at a picnic table to rest. Ryan gave her a sly smile as she patted the top of the concrete table and instructed, "Come on. You know you want it."

She hopped up without a second invitation as Ryan removed her shoes so her feet would not slide on the slick painted surface. Those strong hands started at her feet and worked slowly up her leg. By the time she reached her groin Jamie was tingling with sensation. It took her a second but the realization quickly hit her that this was nothing less than pure sexual arousal. She shook her head and reassured herself that it was not odd to become aroused when anyone touched you in such an intimate way. But she knew she had to put a stop to this quickly. "Could you concentrate on my calf where I had the cramp?" she asked in order to keep those hands away from her crotch.

"Umm, the cramp was up here," she said as she trailed her fingers along the inside of her thigh, mere inches from her throbbing vulva.

"Oh, right. Well, I must have a new one because my calf is sore now," she lied weakly.

Ryan set to work on the illusory cramp and after a few minutes Jamie called a halt to the entire endeavor. "Thanks," she said as she sat up and started to put her shoes back on.

"But I didn't get to the sore spot," she complained.

No, and we'll get arrested if you do, she thought wryly. "Feels fine," she said even though she knew she would feel much better if she let her continue.

Ryan hopped up on the table and sat next to her. "You seem awfully tense. Are things really going that badly for you?"

"Yeah, they really are," she admitted sadly. "I just don't know what to do about Jack."

"Are you sure you still want to see me as much? I just feel so guilty that I seem to be the cause of your problems."

"No, Ryan," she reassured her forcefully. "You are most definitely not the cause of our problems. We have lots more issues than who I see. Just last night we had another fight about sex."

"Ahh, wanna talk about it?" she asked hesitantly.

"I don't want to make you uncomfortable," Jamie replied, hoping that Ryan would insist.

"I'm not uncomfortable talking about sex, Jamie. You've heard me at the talk line. I just don't want to pry where I don't belong. I don't want to embarrass you."

"So you'd really be okay if I wanted to talk about something really personal?"

"Yep. I guarantee you won't shock me. Remember that I have the most hours logged at the Talk Line," she teased.

"I know, I know, but you never talk about really personal things so I guess I feel like you must not want to."

"No, that's not it at all. I just haven't had many issues come up that have been bothering me. I've been sexually involved with women since I was 17 remember. I've had a lot of time to work out my issues."

"Is it hard for everyone to work out their issues as a couple?" she asked thoughtfully.

"I've never been with anyone for an extended period where some issues didn't arise," Ryan admitted. "I mean, how could they not? You're never more open and naked emotionally than you are with your sexual partner. All of your dormant issues come bubbling up to the surface when you expose yourself like that."

"I guess that does make sense," she admitted. "I just don't know how to get anywhere on my issue."

"Tell me about it," Ryan said firmly.

"Well, I know I've hinted that we don't get along great sexually."

Ryan nodded her assent, maintaining her neutral glance.

"Well last night I decided that I was tired of being frustrated. So I got a little more aggressive. I asked him to please me first."

"Is that the first time you've done that?"

"Yeah, it is," she admitted with a blush. "I usually just let him do his thing and hope for the best."

"Go on," Ryan urged.

"I thought it went well. He got me there pretty easily when I gave him a few extra pointers," she said as her blush deepened. "But when he actually entered me he just didn't seem very excited. He finally finished, but it took him forever! Normally he just likes to go to sleep but I asked him what the problem was and he was tired enough that he didn't censor himself. He said he didn't enjoy sex as much when I was satisfied first because I wasn't as responsive. He said I move more and act more excited before I've had an orgasm."

Ryan nodded, trying to remain impassive even though she was beginning to get angry with Jack.

"So the bottom line is that he'd rather I was frustrated so he can have a better orgasm!"

Ryan guessed it was her turn so she jumped in. "What about pleasing you after he has an orgasm?"

"No, I don't think so. I'm usually too sensitive right afterward and his hand just causes too much friction. He tries, but either his fingers are too big or he just doesn't know how to be gentle enough. I get all tense and that just makes him do it harder which is the worst response."

"I've got another suggestion," she said quickly. "What about touching yourself while he's inside? I know the equipment isn't the same but when a woman has her fingers inside me I have to have some stimulation on my clitoris to reach orgasm."

Jamie wasn't sure why but the thought of Ryan on her back with a woman's fingers in her was enough to make her pass out. And just hearing her say 'my clitoris' made her pulse throb. She fought with herself to stay focused on her issues with Jack but the image kept flying through her mind. "I guess I can try that too," she finally agreed. "But I don't really enjoy the penetration all that much so I'm not sure I could get there."

"Um...what about oral sex after he's finished?"

"You're serious, right? He would rather poke his eye out than do that after intercourse. I offered that suggestion once and he acted like I was insane!"

"Too messy?"

"Yeah. But it's his mess!" she said defensively.

"Remind me to count my blessings again today," she teased. She ducked Jamie's swat as she continued in a more serious vein, "What about mutual oral sex?"

"Umm do you mean...?"

"Yeah. Could you give him a blow job while he goes down on you before you have intercourse?" she asked neutrally.

All of a sudden Jamie regretted having brought this entire topic up. She squirmed on the table top for a moment before she said, "I can't do that."

"You can't do what?" Ryan asked gently, sensing Jamie's growing discomfort.

"I can't give him a blow job," she said as the deep pink flush infused her cheeks. "I don't know why but it makes me sick to my stomach."

Now Ryan was stumped. She felt that oral sex was one of the most glorious experiences ever devised and she had a hard time understanding why Jamie would be so opposed to it. "Have you tried it?" she finally asked.

"Yes. I've tried it," she admitted softly. "But he kept hitting that thing in the back of my throat and I truly almost threw up in his lap."

"Uvula," Ryan helpfully supplied.

"Pardon?"

"That thing in the back of your throat is your uvula," she said. To herself she thought, Any idiot would know not to shove his dick so far down your throat as to make you gag, but she said, "It sounds like he got a little carried away. Maybe you should try it again but make sure you control how deep he goes. If you stayed on top of him you have a better chance of controlling things."

"I guess I have to try it again," she conceded, but she looked so glum that Ryan felt sorry for her.

"You're going to be with him for a very long time," she reminded her. "You don't have to have all of your sexual issues worked out before you get married but if you close the door to a lot of experiences I'm afraid you'll never try to open the door again."

Jamie pursed her lips and nodded her head slowly. "I know I need to be more open, Ryan. But part of me is just selfish. I know Jack doesn't like to use his mouth on me and I'm unwilling to get over my fears if he isn't willing to do the same. I'm afraid it'll just be me pleasing him without him trying to please me."

"Jamie," she said gently. "Please don't take this as criticism but it puzzles me that you seem to begrudge doing things to please him. I mean, I've never been with a man but if men turned me on I think I'd be playing with their penises all day long. Like when I'm with a woman," she said softly as her voice became gentler and rather sensual. "It's her breasts and her vulva that turn me on. I just can't keep my hands off them," she laughed gently. "Don't you feel that way about his penis?"

Oh God, why did you have to say that! she screamed to herself as her mind locked on the image of Ryan's hands on her breasts. "Um, well...no, I don't think like that about his penis," she admitted. She placed her hands behind herself and leaned back on her locked arms. "I've never thought about it this way, Ryan," she had to admit. "But I don't think of his penis as a toy for both of us to play with. It seems more like the little dictator," she admitted with a wry laugh.

"Huh?"

"Our sex life is all about his penis," she revealed. "When he's hard he wants to have intercourse. It's really simple for him. He comes inside me and within a few minutes he's satisfied. But it doesn't work like that for me," she explained. "I mean..." She looked at Ryan for a moment and tried to translate her frustration to fit Ryan's sexual orientation. "Remember those dildoes we saw at 'Good Vibrations?"

"Yes, I have a working knowledge of those," she said with an impish look.

Jamie gave her a playful swat and continued. "How would you like it if you were dating someone for a long while and every time she pulled that dildo out you were supposed to be turned on just by looking at it?"

"Umm...just by looking at it?"

"Yeah. And most mornings you felt it jabbing you in the back and you knew that she just wanted you to turn over so she could put it in you?" Now Jamie was getting into the topic and the words just flew from her lips. "And every time you made any serious romantic gesture the dildo popped up again. If you kissed her with any passion or rubbed your hand on her thigh, the dildo would come out and you'd be on your back with it inside you."

"Umm, no other foreplay?" Ryan asked weakly.

"Sometimes," Jamie admitted. "But the dildo is where all the focus is. Your partner gets almost all of their satisfaction from putting that dildo inside of you, no matter how turned on you are. And once she's thrust it in you enough she pulls it out and looks at you with an expectant smile and asks, 'Did you come?' "

Ryan nodded her head briefly and gave the obvious answer. "I'd take the damn dildo and throw it away," she admitted. "I wouldn't allow her to use sex toys on me if she couldn't be more connected to my body."

"That's just how I feel sometimes," she admitted. "I don't agree with Lorena Bobbit's tactics but I have empathy for her," she said with a chuckle. "His penis just dictates everything, Ryan. And when he has an orgasm he seems to lose all motivation to continue to please me. I mean, he makes the gesture, but I can tell he wants me to cuddle him and let him go to sleep."

"Gee, Jamie, that really is a tough one," she admitted. "Clearly, the only way to approach this is to tell him what you need and make sure he does it. You're going to have to set the ground rules because it doesn't sound like he understands how to please you."

She blew out a frustrated breath and nodded slowly. "I know that's what I have to do, but I so want him to want to please me. Do you know what I mean?" she asked with a sad and terribly vulnerable expression on her face.

"I know," Ryan soothed as she rubbed her back gently. "But maybe if you told him he would eventually get to know you well enough that he would have some ideas of his own. You're going to be with this one man for the rest of your life, Jamie," she said solemnly. "You can't just hope for the best. I think you need to talk this through. You have to trust that each of you wants the same thing in a relationship or you're in real trouble."

Jamie looked up through half hooded eyes and asked, "You've been in his position; do you enjoy performing oral sex on another woman?"

"I told you about being with Sara," she replied in a matter of fact tone.

At Jamie's nod she continued. "Not long after the 'event' with her I met a woman when I was rollerblading in Golden Gate Park. I was still very fragile and I felt unattractive and totally undesirable. Katie was an intern working at the park through a program that Berkeley runs through their landscape architecture program. She was just 3 years older than I was but that seems like a lot when you're not quite 17. She was taking a break and came over to sit next to me on a bench. We started talking and before I knew it she asked for my phone number. I had never been picked up before and I didn't have a clue what to do so I stuck to the phone like glue until she called. Luckily for everyone in the house it only took her a day!"

Jamie laughed at her friend's self effacing recounting of this youthful encounter.

"She had a little apartment that she shared with two other women not far from Telegraph. I hopped on BART and went over for my first date with a woman. It was a Saturday afternoon in late May as I recall. I was so nervous I practically barfed on the train. I didn't know what I was supposed to do or what she expected of me. For all I knew we would just sit and talk or go to a movie." Ryan's face curled into a smile as she recalled, "She had something a little more intense in mind."

"You must have been terrified!" Jamie cried.

"Yeah, I guess I was. Her roommates each had a job and they were only going to be gone for a couple of hours so we got down to business right away. My hands were shaking so badly that she had to go first," she said with a laugh. "She kissed and touched me until I thought my head would explode," she said with a chuckle, smiling to herself at the memory. "But when she started to move down my body I just about freaked!"

Jamie joined in her laughter, terribly amused by her friend's animated facial gestures. "I was sooo naïve! I knew that girls gave guys head but I had never stopped to think about the converse. But from the first touch of her tongue I was a convert! Wow," she mused dreamily. "I can still feel it." She shook her head and looked over at Jamie, laughing when she caught sight of the look on her face. Her friend was intensely interested in the story at this point. She was sitting right on the edge of the table, hanging on to every word.

"So?" she asked eagerly.

"So..."

"So what was it like?" she demanded.

Ryan turned serious and regarded her carefully. "Do you really not know, Jamie?"

She shook her head rather violently. "If the half hearted attempts that Jack has made are representative of the act you are very, very easily pleased," she declared.

"Well," Ryan mused. "I'm not sure how to describe it. To be honest even though I still enjoy it a lot it's lost a lot of allure since I practice safe sex all the time. Honestly, that's one of the reasons I'd like a steady girlfriend. I'd like both of us to get tested for STD's and then stay monogamous. I am so sick of barriers!"

Jamie was still staring at her intently, obviously waiting for a response to her earlier question. "Okay!" Ryan laughed at her expression. "I'll do my best. Oral sex with someone you care about is the most intimate touch that you can imagine. I mean, it's using one of your most sensitive organs to give pleasure to them through their most sensitive organ. It's exposing yourself fully to your partner's touch. You're just so vulnerable in that position but the vulnerability is very erotic for me. There's just no greater sign that you love and trust someone than allowing them to touch you in that way, Jamie. It's just such a special touch...I really wish that you could try to experience it for yourself." She caught the questioning look that had not changed and asked, "Didn't I describe it well enough?"

Her friend shook her head briskly. "You described your emotional reaction really nicely. But what's it like physically?"

"Hmm, that's even tougher," she mused as she let her head fall back against her shoulders. "I don't think I've ever tried to describe this before." She spent another few minutes deep in thought and finally said, "I guess it's the combination of the vulnerability, the intimacy and the slightly naughty nature of the act, but all of that comes together for a real wallop on the old central nervous system," she said thoughtfully. "It's just a jolt of sensation when they first touch you. It starts in your vulva but just radiates out until your whole body tingles. Their tongue feels so warm and wet and soft, just such a tender touch. And if you're turned on enough it just feels like someone pouring aloe on a sunburn. It's really very soothing. But within seconds that fire is burning hotter than ever and you just want to jump in and let it burn you alive." Ryan's eyes were half closed and her mouth was curled up into an adorable little grin as she softly described the act. She had a dreamy expression on her face that perfectly matched her soft, sensual voice. Jamie knew that she had stopped talking and she sensed that it was now her turn. But she could not make her mouth move. She tried gamely, but the signal just could not get to her mouth from her brain since all of the other neurons were sending signals to her own vulva.

Ryan turned her head to look at her friend's open mouthed stare and finally asked, "Too much information?"

Jamie shook her head roughly to snap herself back into reality. "No, No, not at all," she insisted. "I just...I've never...I mean..."

"I know," Ryan said gently as she patted her knee. "But you can, Jamie. I know you have a ton of passion that just hasn't been tapped." She smiled at the still stunned looking woman and said, "I think you're going to surprise yourself someday, Pal. I guarantee your best sexual experiences are in front of you."

"I certainly hope so!" she laughed. "I couldn't go on if I thought they were behind me! But back to your story. Wasn't it hard to touch her that way the first time?"

"No, not really. What she had done to me felt so utterly fabulous that I had to do it to her just as a way of thanking her!"

Jamie laughed again at Ryan's guileless face as she recounted her tale. "So, did you like it?"

"Like is not even in the ball park," she said wistfully. "I felt like we were merged into one big, throbbing, pulsing body. I was completely, totally, helplessly in love with Katie no more than 2 seconds after my tongue touched her. Of course she was a little more realistic about the experience," she said sardonically.

"What happened?" Jamie asked as she placed her hand on Ryan's shoulder.

"About what you would expect," she related. "She was from Iowa and since the term was over she was going home. She didn't want me to write to her and a few weeks later she sent me a note and said, 'Thanks but no thanks'."

"You poor baby," Jamie said with a face full of empathy.

"No, no, Jamie, this isn't a sad story. I didn't know a thing about Katie. I wasn't in love with her. But she showed me how totally wonderful oral sex can be and for that I am forever grateful. I have no idea where she is today but wherever she is I hope she has gotten as much out of the act as I have over the years."

"So is Jack being a baby because he won't try it with more enthusiasm?" she asked with a bit of trepidation.

"No, not really. I had someone who showed me how to do it and how it felt to have it done to me. It's not quite the same for you but I bet if one of you was more experimental the other might follow."

"I guess that's about the only other option I have at this point," Jamie agreed. "If I ever want to have an orgasm I guess I'll have to try one of your suggestions. I'm sure he won't like it though. He views every orgasm as inferior if it doesn't come from penetration."

"That's ridiculous!" Ryan shouted before she could catch herself. "I would never try to dictate how my partner had an orgasm. Jesus! I do everything in my power to please my partner and these are women I hardly know!" She was immediately chagrined to have allowed herself to vent like that, but she was getting so sick of this guy. She hated to see Jamie saddled with an insecure jerk like this, but she knew that it was not her business. She vowed immediately to keep her opinions to herself, but she was amazed by the smile that lit up Jamie's face.

"Thanks. I really mean that," she said softly. "You've really made me feel better. I've been so afraid that what I wanted wasn't reasonable. But you've helped me see that not everyone is like Jack."

"Jamie," she said as she took her hand. "Sex is an important part of a relationship. You have a right to your own pleasure. You just need to figure out how to best please yourself and then you need to ask for it. You can't spend the rest of your life with this man only caring about him and his satisfaction."

"I know you're right, Ryan. But it's just another area that is not going to go smoothly," she predicted.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

The rest of the weekend passed at a snail's pace.