(or what happened between the episodes)

by Texbard

For Disclaimers, see "Looking for Trouble"


2.16 Baby Love

(post "For Him the Bell Tolls")

Gabrielle:  "Remember that love is about trust and giving.  It's not about anger and jealousy."

Aphrodite:  "She really doesn't get it, does she?"

Cupid:  "Maybe she gets it better than any of us."

-- For Him the Bell Tolls


Dude, what a beast of a week it's been.  First Mom rags on me for doing what I do best -- getting a truly bitchin' couple togetheer, and then she goes all radical on me, trying to prove she's the goddess supreme or something.  Man, I wish she'd just take a chill pill when she gets like that, but nooooo -- she has to totally rock our collective worlds, and sooooo not in a good way.

All she did was make a bunch of sane people go rabid, and she hurt my man Joxer's feelings.  The dude was all like, 'hey, look at me, I'm a big tubular hero.'  Poor dude is a nerd to the max and probably always will be, but he's a lovable kind of nerd.  With some work I could probably hook him up with someone. 

Dude just needs to get Gabrielle off his radar.  That chick is like totally spoken for.  She and the warrior babe are so crunching on each other.  Mom and I fight for credit on that one, like all the freakin' time.

See, Mom has this love-hate relationship with my Uncle Ares.  Like, whoa -- some bad-ass god of war he is.  He could have just about anyone except the one chick he wants - the warrior babe.  So what does he do -- pines away over her, day and night, fixated on how to win her over.  It's so un-cool.  He needs to take a lesson from Joxer -- all you have to do is look at her and the little blonde together.  Spark city, man.

Guess that makes Joxer and Ares the two biggest losers, ever.  I should just tattoo a big fat 'L' on their foreheads, ya dig?  But I can't say that too loud around here.  If Ares got wind of it, he'd go all ballistic and get a couple of warriors to destroy some villages, just to prove he's the top god.  Whatever.  I ask you, where is the love in that?

But Mom, she had one of her fights with her big bad bro and went meddling with his favorite gal-pal.  You know how she gets.  It's all about 'me, me, me' with her.  Next thing I know, Mom is taking all the credit for the warrior babe falling so hard for the little blonde chick.  As if.  The thing is, I know the truth, and the truth is, I was there in that clearing outside Potadeia. Man, what a dump that place is, but it may just be the breeding ground for the most rockin' love-fest ever.

Mom may have tossed fuel on that fire, but I hit the flint against the striker.  Anyone with half a brain or one eye could see it -- those two were like dazzled by each other from day one.  Funny thing is, I didn't even shoot the arrows until after they saw each other.  I was like, whoa -- they didn't need me or my over-achieving bad self of a Mom.  Go figure -- two mortals fell in love all on their own.  That's totally rockin', man.  I hit them with the arrows just to seal the deal -- never hurts to stir the fire a little, where love is concerned.

But then there's my man, Joxer.  I've been scratching my head and racking my brain, trying to scope out how he managed to get it so bad for someone who so doesn't return his affections.  Dude must've totally pissed someone off in a former life.  Either that or that she-devil Discord has been messing with mortals again.

It was way mean of Mom to allow him to have a taste of being a hero.  Way mean.  The thing is, Joxer may have a hero's heart, but he just doesn't have the equipment to go with it.  And I'm not talking THAT kind of equipment, so get your collective minds out of the gutter.  I'm talking the courage and strength and street smarts.  And man, the social skills.  The dude is way lacking in the lady-killer department.  It just isn't gonna happen for him without some major help.

Now he's all depressed and everything.  Sure, you can hear him singing that gods-awful song, but I can see his heart.  The guy ain't feeling the love, for himself, most of all.  He got bit by the 'I'm a hero' bug, but Mom's gone and vaccinated him with the cure.  He's back to being his total downer of a self.  If you don't have a little self-love, you sure aren't going to get the love from someone else.  And once again, I'm not talking THAT kind of self-love.  Geez, peoples.  Get your brains on a higher plane.  You dig?

I'm talking the kind of self-love that has the courage to take a chance.  Like the warrior babe and the little blonde.  Sure, they've had their ups and downs.  Been a freaking nightmare for them at times.  But they had the courage to take that first big step.  And after that, the self-love was a whole lot easier.  All they had to do was look into each other's eyes, to see love reflected back at them.  Do the math -- it takes two to make true love.  You sit on the fence waiting, you'll never find out.

I look at poor old Joxer, and then I look at the warrior babe and the blonde.  Man, night and day.  Night and day.  The babe and the blonde -- now that, my friend, is a thing of beauty.  And Ares just spits thunderbolts every time he sees them together.  And we're all against him. 

Dude can't do much harm, and nothing long-term.  Mom and me, we're against him because those two have such a righteous love, man.  It totally eclipses anything we've seen in a long time.  And then there's Prometheus and Hades and Celesta - warrior babe's gone and earned favors from them, so they're looking out for her.  And the blonde, she's got the protection of Artemis, with that whole Amazon thing going for her.  You'd be a fool to cross her.  Dude, you think I fling a mean arrow?  I learned at Artemis' feet, dontcha know.  She is one bitchin' goddess, with a 'tude to match.

About the only god on Ares' side is Morpheus.  He wanted to marry the little blonde.  But he can only harm them in their dreams.  And man, let me tell you, he can't touch their dreams these days.  The way those two cuddle up together at night, there's no breaking through the love there.  Sure, he can stir up some bad memories, but all they have to do is wake up and the reality of the present - BAM!  Just knocks the wind out of Morpheus' sails every time.  Like the little blonde says, she can't stay afraid for long, when she sleeps in the safest arms on earth.  Brings a tear to my eye, every time.

So Ares, he's pretty much sunk.  Loser.  His brother Hercules is on the warrior babe's side, too.  Go figure.  He helped set her feet on higher ground, man.  And it just chaps Ares' ass that his half-mortal brother AND that sidekick dude, Iolaus, have both gotten under the warrior babe's skin, and he hasn't.  Yep. This time I do mean in THAT way.  It may not have been true love, but a little tummy tickle between Herc and the warrior babe -- makes me giggle every time I think of Ares stewing in his own fire over it.

I can just imagine the gasket he blows if he ever looks in on her and the little blonde around the campfire at night.  Whoa, baby!  Why they bother to even build a fire is beyond me.  I can't even watch them -- that fire's too hot, even for me. And don't you dare tell anyone I said that.  I may have wings and girly-looking bow and arrow, but I still have my dudely pride to maintain.  Couldn't let my wife Psyche find out what a wuss I can be.

You should hear what I went through to marry her.  Man, that is a whole other war I battled with my jealous freakazoid of a mother.  Psyche used to be mortal but now she's a goddess.  We went through Tartarus to be together, but it paid off.  She's pregnant now with my son.  You'd think that would be enough to keep Mom off my case, but no.  If anyone threatens her in anyway, she goes all ape-shit over it, and Psyche, she is one dazzling babe.  Mom's afraid Psyche will get more accolades than her in the looks department. Whatever.  Mom is beautiful in her own right, and she's never going to age, so she needs to get over it already.

What she did this past week nearly undid two kingdoms.  But all's well that end's well, Mom's radical 'tude notwithstanding.  In the end, the kingdoms are united, Mom got to keep her temples, and the warrior babe and the blonde are still cruising their way through happyville.  The little blonde - she was the hero in all this -- she saw what was happening and took the steps to get it fixed.  Even Joxer said so.  The truly awesome thing is, the warrior babe, she totally gets it.  The little blonde is her hero, every day.


Next in the BTL series - How the Mighty Have Fallen (post "The Execution")

Return to the Academy