Have a Disney Day…

Disclaimers: This is a whole lot of nothing. Shadylady and Elisa tried to make me write but I couldn't figure out how to do the topic that was given me. So then I was told to write what I know. This is a true story.

Language/Sex/Violence: Um. There might be a curse word here or there. Ok, there is. But I typed it really fast and made sure my mother wasn't around when I did. No sex or violence either.

Author's Note: Okay everything's true except for losing my virginity on Spaceship Earth. That totally happened on the Monorail between the Contemporary Resort and Space Mountain.

About the Title: If an outdoor food server at Disney's EPCOT has ever said Have A Disney Day to you, you done wrong. It's our way of saying Fuck Off.

Any comments, questions, or concerns, can be directed to uncagedamazon@thesandbox101.com


It's really hard trying to sneak across Disney World. No, really it is. Someone is always watching you--guests, cast members, or the thousands of secret cameras in every single blasted bush. It doesn't matter. You're constantly being watched. Take Spaceship Earth (the giant structure that looks like a golf ball) for instance. It's a slow, dark, boring ride. Which makes it a primo location for hijinks of the sexual kind. Many a girl (and guy) has lost their virginity in the darkness between the 13th century automatons and the scene showing off inventions of the 21st century. Myself included. I still can't look at my cell phone without going...ooo it vibrates. But that's another story. As for being watched, I found a rather good security photo of me and my "friend", and a note critiquing my technique, in my work locker. No more making nice on Disney property for me, though I've slipped into the camera room and watched others on my break a time or two. Heh. But as I was saying it's damn hard trying to sneak across Disney World…

I wasn't even supposed to be at the park. I'd been fired earlier that week. But it wasn't my fault. They, those sons of bitches, made me sell ice cream in front of The Living Seas for eight hours. Eight consecutive hours of nauseatingly cheerful pirate songs. A weaker woman would have snapped after the first hour or so. But I stood strong, recited dirty limericks under my breath, and peddled over-priced Mickey head-shaped ice cream bars to sweaty tourists. The trouble started as soon as I realized I was singing along with 'Yo Ho Yo Ho a pirate's life for me', and had made a little eye patch out of a discarded napkin and was considering putting it on. I managed to restrain myself. Barely. A little girl approached me with some money clutched in her hand, her parents trailing along behind her. Because of my Disney training-brainwashing--I automatically hit my knees and plastered a super sweet smile on my face.

"Maam?" The Little girl said.

"Yes, sweetie?" I said. Gag me.

"Can I have a Mickey Bar?"

Sure you can sweetie…

This is where things got completely fucked up. I totally blame the heat. And the pirate songs. And the tourists. And eight hour shifts without a break, which I'm pretty sure is illegal.

"Did you know that every time you bite into a Mickey Bar a little bit of Disney dies with it. I can hear Mickey screaming when you chew on his ear." I hissed.

And damn it all the little girl started crying. And crying. And crying. And when I tried to give her a free ice cream after her parents threatened to call my managers she just screamed all the louder and told her daddy that she could hear Mickey scream when she ate his ear.

Ah fuck me. And that's how I became persona non grata at the happiest place on earth. But what am I doing here you ask? You don't care? Fuck you! I'm telling you anyway. See there's this girl…yeah it's always some girl. But she wasn't just some girl. She was THE GIRL. Has her own castle and everything. The lovely Cinderella was fantasy material with her long golden hair and big blue eyes, and really Prince Charming had nothing on me. Sure he was tall, strong, good-looking and rich. Rumor had it that he was the same off Disney property as well. But me! Well I'm 5 feet three inches… of youthful enthusiasm. And um I have a really nice truck whose seats vibrate after hitting 50 mph. It's not the deathtrap that it sounds to be. Not really. But back to sneaking…

I'm trying to get across Tomorrow Land without being seen by any of the food vendors. Most of them had heard about the ice cream bar fiasco and though I was secretly cheered in some circles, they have to report any suspicious activities. And me diving behind bushes, sliding around corners, and humming the Mission Impossible theme was fairly suspicious. I guess I just suck at being inconspicuous.

I managed to dive, slide, and hum myself down to the Castle without being stopped once. I guess nobody wanted to mess with the crazy lady rolling in the grass and hopping behind trash receptacles. I stayed hidden in a group of Brazilian tourists as we all made our way thru the Castle breezeway. At the last second I veered off to the right and wandered over to the Employee's Only door that led into the tunnels underneath the park. The security guard didn't try to stop me. I just strolled in like I was supposed to be there. No gawking around or trying to sneak peeks at the half clothed seven dwarfs, just walk with a purpose and don't make eye contact. The hunt was on for the elusive Disney princess. She was so mine. She just didn't know it yet. And c'mon how could she resist me?

I found one of the character dressing rooms and stealthily slipped inside only to find…yes! It was her! But she was in the arms of another. Dammit! I was too late. The other person pushed my Cindy up against the wall and sheeee-it… it was Snow White. That raven haired floozy! Heart-broken, but slightly aroused, I turned around and bumped straight into a pair of boobs. A pair of boobs in a Mickey rent-a-cop uniform. After tearing my gaze away from her, uh…nametag, I looked up to find her grinning at the couple inside the room. She looked back down the hall and motioned for me to follow her. So I did. She was pretty cute and hell it's not like they could ban me from Disney world. Again.

"So which one were you after" she asked.

"Excuse me?"

"I followed you to the tunnels from Frontier Land."

"I was that obvious huh?"

"No, I just thought you were cute."

"Oh. Well. Oh."

Yes, that was my response. Don Juan that I am. I never got the princess but I did manage to charm my way into the rent-a-cop's…uh…handcuffs. They were shaped like Mickey heads. As for Cinderella, she went back to Prince Charming and lived happily ever after. Until she got caught stealing from the costuming people and selling her jewelry on Ebay. And Snow White? Heh. Well, the last time I snuck into Pride Weekend she was parking strollers in front of It's A Small World. I almost felt sorry for her. Almost.


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