Xena’s Vulnerability
By Xena’s Dialectic (June 2008)
Disclaimer: The characters aren’t mine, half of what they say and do isn’t mine, but Nirvana is available to everyone. Credit to Universal and Renaissance and to the inspiration of Lucy Lawless’ 2008 London concert.
This story deals candidly with the common battles of abuse and mental health and is based on the XWP ‘Chakram’ episode.
Please email any feedback to xenasdialectic@yahoo.co.uk Thank you.
****************************************************************************************
Xena offered blue eyes to the dazzling azure of a sun cracked sky. Innocent of their cerulean synergy, the orbs sought a sign to explain her sense of separation from the others. She felt empty, although it was not this that troubled her.
Suddenly Gabrielle was at her side. Xena stretched her arms out to her like an eager child. Gabrielle’s hold felt Zeus – like despite tears that slid from the haunted green knowledge of her depths, her pupils darkened with protectiveness.
How could she restore the warrior’s memory? What was the purpose of Xena’s hiatus? In vulnerability, Xena’s luminescence was a naked star. Gabrielle was at once widow and mother.
‘Gabrielle you are so pretty. Do we hug like this sometimes? Oh – you’re crying, don’t cry.’ Xena stared without shade or guile. To Gabrielle she seemed an icon of herself, frozen outside time and reach. The flaxen – haired wanderer felt like Senticles’ doll, made to nod and blink. She grieved inwardly, a place she had never felt alone since travelling with Xena. On the cross at least Xena knew she was the best thing in her life. Desire tormented her soul, entombed in unique recall. What if Xena were forever changed?
Somehow she smiled the courage her confused friend yearned: ‘Oh yes Xena, often and whenever you wish’.
‘Gabrielle, we need to talk. I trust you don’t I?’ Gabrielle nodded.
‘Always Xena’.
‘I’ve been having some crazy flashbacks, me throwing this round killing thing, can you believe that and –‘
‘What is it Xena, go on?’
Xena’s voice dropped and gentled: ‘You and me snuggled up together under the stars -’ Gabrielle drew a breath remembering the constellations their bodies had created ‘– just like Lyceus and I did when we were little. It hurt when I thought of him Gabrielle, but not so badly with you around, so – I guess you’re like a sister to me right?’ Xena gave Gabrielle a look of artless love.
Gabrielle exhaled. All at once she fell from any lingering sense that the Way of Love could be theirs. What was the future for love without armour, never honed in the foundry of humanity – conflict? Flaws? Desire? Xena’s dark side was the bedroll of their love. This Xena could be a red – clad goddess, except that she was devoid of power. Their love was born and lived in struggle. Now Gabrielle rose to protect Xena in her hour of need and it felt like her partner was dying without a fight.
Desperate, she threw a rope spun of blind faith: ‘You and I are soulmates Xena’ she whispered.
‘Always’ agreed Xena, clutching her again. ‘Can we sleep close together tonight? I’m scared.’ She confessed what her face so openly gave. The bard stroked her back safely. The old Xena gave orders, not questions.
‘What are you afraid of Xena?’
‘Can I tell you in the morning Gabrielle?’
Gabrielle responded by making a fire.
********************************************************************
Xena awoke as dawn’s palms slid over her body. She shivered and moved stiffly, finding her left side pinned by her blond blanketmate. She warmed and touched the apricot skin coating Gabrielle’s cheek and arm and leg. Strange how strong the woman seemed compared to herself and even the amazon Amarice, who was so contemptuous of them. Maybe this empty feeling would go after breakfast.
She jumped a little as Gabrielle murmured and stirred against her. ‘…love…Xe…need you…’.
‘Hey Gabrielle, wake up! I’ll make us breakfast.’ Gabrielle sat up with a start. How could she almost take advantage of Xena with her ill – concealed dreams when she was like this? Xena’s eyes roved into the distance sadly.
‘I’m glad you need me Gabrielle because I need to talk to you.’ She fiddled with her hair accessory. Gabrielle nodded and went to the stream to splash her face with cold water. So this is the tireless alertness of the warrior, she acknowledged, pained to find she understood the dark haired warrior more fully now that she was a dark haired woman. And Gods, since when did Xena cook?
**********************************************************************
Xena pulled the blanket against her but it took Gabrielle to wrap it around her as she began to shake uncontrollably.
‘I remembered some things’ she husked, painting Gabrielle with her gaze. ‘Will you hate me?’ Gabrielle gasped with an implosion of loyalty that ingested her bitterness like a volcano.
‘Never Xena. No matter what. I love you Xena and I believe that you will remember us one day.’ Xena looked puzzled, but grateful and relieved.
‘Before my village was attacked I used to play happily with Lyceus but Toris hurt me. He – he did things to my body. A lot. For – a long time. Why Gabrielle?’
The lava became molten. ‘What – did – he – do?’ Gabrielle hissed twisting Xena’s blanket in her fists.
‘Are you angry Gabrielle?’ Xena’s deep eyes became tidal with shame.
‘Not with you dearest friend. Sweet, beloved friend. Beautiful Xena.’ Gabrielle’s passion flared helplessly, without outlet but tenderness, her protectiveness circling outwards to the camp’s perimeter, staking out Xena’s freedom to express herself. ‘Tell me, Angel’.
‘I can’t I – I don’t know the words. Let me show you.’ Gabrielle nearly died of pain as Xena opened her legs and said ‘Inside’. Xena also touched her nipples and mouth. Then she turned around and bent forward, looking over her shoulder at Gabrielle.
‘What did he use Xena?’ Xena’s face fell and Gabrielle knew the answer. Her mind raced. She tried to quell a torrent of emotions and to discard the old useless ways of comfort.
Suddenly a thought occurred to her. ‘Xena, did you have a baby?’ Xena looked blank. Wasn’t Gabrielle listening? She turned away hurt. Gabrielle realised how Xena did not know why Toris had been doing that. The memory was a young child’s memory. How could she be so stupid? ‘Xena, let’s pretend I’m Cyrene – what did Cyrene do?’ Xena burst into tears.
‘Toris says Mummy will die if I tell.’ Her body wracked with silent sobs.
‘Xena look at me. I’m alive.’ Gabrielle opened her arms and Xena fell into them, feeling herself rocked magnetically.
‘Gabrielle. I searched for you, I searched for you.’ The women moaned and breathed. They stayed like that for a very long time.
********************************************************************
Gabrielle stamped out the fire while Xena went to the stream to drink. Hot tears mingled with her bootprint. The fire smoked and sizzled. Now she truly understood what motivated the warrior, maybe she could use the information to release Xena’s soul. She was sure the warrior had buried the memory like she had once buried her leathers and chakram.
It was dark and the moon she called Dysnomia rose over the Roman landscape.
*********************************************************************
Sun mocked the wintry land as Joxer and Amarice rejoined the two women.
‘Gee your pale as the moon Xena’ Joxer began.
‘Shut up Joxer’ said Amarice and Gabrielle in unison.
‘Gabrielle I’ve found a cave Xena can shelter in. Ares won’t find her there. It will give us time to figure out what to do. Joxer and I will go with Eli to check out the temple on the far side of the mountain.’ Amarice paused. ‘I’ll take the chakram if you can cope with the babysitting.’ Joxer sniggered. Gabrielle considered slamming their heads together but bowed to Xena’s vulnerability. Some village should make a law protecting disabled people from stupid ones. It might catch on.
The plan would give Xena the time she needed. Gabrielle unclenched her fist. ‘Let’s go’ she said, careful not to vent her frustration mentally on the Gods lest they find them. Again she mourned the warrior’s lost mettle. How lonely it felt without her leadership, how lazy the bard had often been allowing her battles to be won for her. Now she had the opportunity to bear weapons and defend her elemental friend. She turned to find Xena, drained but better, already packed.
‘What?’ Xena smiled wanly.
‘You never do that’ chorused Joxer and Gabrielle.
‘Come on – Eli’s waiting’ opined the bossy young amazon.
******************************************************************
The cave was quite far and the band were hungry by the time they reached its nook in the mountain. Xena seemed bothered by her dirty hands as the others pulled bracken and meagre branches for firewood.
Gabrielle rubbed two sticks together. Soon they were cooking freshwater fish Joxer had caught using his breastplate as a net. Xena had witnessed the hunt, a tear plummeting from her cheekbone as each silver creature despaired of life.
‘There’s nothing else to eat Xena’ Gabrielle had gently said. Xena had nodded but Gabrielle noticed that she ate very little and had said nothing until announcing that she wanted to take a quick look round.
The two amazons looked at each other. Amarice smirked.
‘No, I’ll go Amarice – you must eat before your journey.’ Gabrielle sighed. Xena should have privacy to relieve herself in peace but she couldn’t afford to take any risks with gods on the loose. Their mortal danger was her problem now. Again her chest contracted with the realisation of the burdens Xena had always carried. How had she coped?
Gabrielle rounded a rock and heard a muffled choking sound. Xena’s keen awareness had deserted her and Gabrielle was sure she didn’t hear her verdant eyed friend approach. Xena’s hair was plastered to her forehead with perspiration and her fingers were pressed to the back of her throat. She knelt forward over a small pool of sick.
Gabrielle waited, restraining the urge to interrupt and gently capture the graceful woman’s head. She had once seen Ephiny do this to purge the pain of rape by a centaur. It was an ancient amazon technique. Except that Ephiny had told her that she did this over and over again until long after the original pain had lessened and that she couldn’t stop. Ephiny thought that she had lost her back teeth sooner than most amazons do because of it. Once more Gabrielle postponed tears.
Xena stood and walked a short way checking her beautiful red tunic for stains. She wiped her mouth weakly.
‘Xena? We need to cover this up, in case Ares tracks us. I love you Xena,’ Gabrielle added.
‘I think I knew – you were there, Gabrielle. I’ve never – felt safe doing that before. I hated the way –‘ her voice broke ‘he tasted. Like fish.’
‘I love you Xena’ Gabrielle said simply and held out her hand.
They heaped stones on Xena’s vulnerability. When they reached the cave Amarice and Joxer had gone.
*******************************************************************
Xena slept. Gabrielle saw the sun sink into the mountain, sage and sallow. She felt sure that their friends would reach the temple by nightfall and return with the sais the following day. She had received the new weapons in her dream. Hope. She retreated to Xena’s side and placed a kiss on her beautiful lips. Xena’s lashes fluttered, incandescent sapphires tucked peacefully inside their lids. In the curious world she found herself in there was no resting place like this constant woman.
In marbled slumber Xena seemed once again Gabrielle’s archetypal love. Gabrielle had found the key. She would accept her hero for who she was.
********************************************************************
Xena reared up in the night. Sticky blood soiled her bedroll and thighs.
‘I used to cut myself, I used to cut myself’ she cried out. ‘Gabrielle.’ Gabrielle held the torch while she examined Xena, her heart punching wildly. She stilled her hand in the midnight hair.
‘You are having a nightmare Xena and it’s the first full moon since - you’ve – been like this. It happens to us every moon but not when there’s a baby inside. I’ll fetch some water and leaves. The bleeding will last a few days.’ So that explains the small scars inside her thighs, buried amongst the battle scars.
‘Mm – it hurts’ moaned Xena ‘Don’t leave me, don’t leave me.’ Gabrielle was at her side and Xena’s tale about Toris, Cyrene’s favourite, and Xena harming her young self tumbled into her ear until, trembling but soothed, Xena lay furled in Gabrielle’s lap. Gabrielle held the fallen warrior tighter, confident that her mind was healing itself.
Gabrielle was becoming more resourceful, more focused and determined. They had nothing and Xena felt empty. Then that would be their script.
**********************************************************************
‘I think I can eat the fish now’, Xena smiled sheepishly. Gabrielle and herself bathed their naked beauty in a rock pool they had filled at the back of the cave. Xena’s form was praised by shadows but her eyes were blue flames that lit a fire inside of Gabrielle.
The warrior apprenticed by her companion’s vulnerability swallowed and channelled her energy into the task ahead of them. Kundalini she had not known since India crackled in her spine. Gabrielle submitted to its power and received the answer. They were without mehendi or sword, Amarice having carried the broken chakram to the temple.
‘Gabrielle, when you wash me I feel like I want something but I don’t know what it is.’ It took all of Gabrielle’s heart to embrace Xena’s innocence and warmly she did.
‘We are going to find your way together Xena,’ she said, handing Xena the large leaves. She rinsed Xena’s soiled clothing and spread it on the rocks. ‘I’m going to teach you to meditate.’ She tossed the damp, raven – haired woman a blanket and suppressed a shiver.
‘What do I do?’ asked Xena. Gabrielle glowed as she placed a torch between them.
‘Nothing.’
*********************************************************************
Somewhere in Xena’s primordial experience was a knowledge of truth that had helped her survive. They would find it. Gabrielle closed her eyes and fully acknowledged the majesty of Xena’s vulnerability. Brighter than the mystic diamond, sweeter than the sun, lonely as the first woman, nobler than death. The power to yield. The chink in her breastplate Gabrielle had sought in Xena’s every climax, she candidly admitted to herself. Her warrior’s softness. And now they were alone.
Xena and Gabrielle sat watching the breath, letting go, together. And the flames of samsara extinguished.
***********************************************************************
Xena opened her eyes to Gabrielle kneeled in perfect patience opposite her. ‘When I was three Gabrielle I was looking for my mind and I realised that my consciousness had always existed, before I was born, and would continue to do so after I had died. I knew it before India.’ Gabrielle nodded.
‘You always knew it Xena, that’s what brought you to me. It is said that there is no one who has not received help from Buddha.’
Xena’s joy seared into Gabrielle with the intimate knowledge of all their lives. ‘Together’ she whispered eternally.
At that moment Amarice ran into the cave and imparted weapons.
*************************************************************************
The band of five reached the temple before darkness fell on the following day.
‘Ares’ time,’ murmured Eli behind Xena. She turned ferally in the gloom:
‘I’m counting on it.’
*************************************************************************
A noise at the temple steps. But as they rounded upon their attackers Xena faltered. Amarice had repaired to her both chakram and respect yet, semi – recovered, Xena could not take a life.
Xena’s eyes flailed wildly and set upon Gabrielle. Her former vulnerability wielded the sais with inspired passion. Ares’ minions deposed, Gabrielle slammed the temple door behind them and struggled with the loyal Joxer to close the bar in time.
A yin yang table, seemingly unreplete with its one chakram, was the dingy temple’s shaft - lit centrepiece. As Xena approached, yielding the fractured twin she had long borne, Ares smeared the route, arms folded.
Without his usual cocky preamble, she was stripped bare and Ares metamorphosed into – Toris! Amarice withered at Xena’s sinewed beauty as Gabrielle’s sais slashed bravely through the mirage of Toris’ back.
‘Since when did you get so hard?’ sneered Ares in Toris’ voice. ‘Of course, you could just kiss the girl’ he sniggered at her lover’s vain hatred.
‘Betcha’d like that Ares wouldn’tcha’ drawled Xena, surveying her own splendour proudly as her hand transcended to the mirroring chakram which it was her destiny to take, ‘but some things Ares don’t need to be proven’ she lifted the chakrams in front of her eyes and Gabrielle smirked peacefully as Toris’ image began crumbling between them ‘some things just Are. I know Who – I – Am.’
Xena raised the chakrams above her head, her countenance crackling lightning. Joxer caught Gabrielle as she semi – fainted from the show.
‘No! Don’t do it Xena’ Ares reformed and strode forward in dismay ‘We could have had it all – ‘. The chakrams merged and separated like the sound of one hand clapping. Gabrielle’s eyes threatened to roll back in ecstasy at the sight of Xena, open – mouthed, tasting Nirvana in her lifetime.
The split chakram shuttled round the temple divesting Ares of his leathers. Xena clad herself in the manner she had learned from the amazon queen Cyane. The chakram united and danced upon Gabrielle’s sais and between her legs before Xena caught the handled weapon. Ares simply evaporated. Eli ushered the others into the open air and the newborn warriors regarded one another.
********************************************************************
Xena and Gabrielle’s cries of reunion ricocheted from temple to Tartarus as the sun killed the snow on Mount Amoro.
‘Bad girls in Heaven’ shimmied Aphrodite. ‘You guys make the loudest love in the zodiac’.
‘You were in a tough place, Xena.’ Gabrielle’s eyes roamed Xena’s face. ‘Childhood’ grinned the warrior, glancing at the sky. ‘But now I’m a woman who loves a warrior.’
‘Your brother’s shame is on Ares’ hands’.
‘Thank the gods’ Xena smirked flirtatiously, busy with the Elysian field of her protector’s gaze. She yanked Gabrielle by the bootstraps. ‘Didja miss me?’
‘Xena when I think of you I touch myself’ Gabrielle supplied frankly, gratified at Xena’s intake of breath. ‘Don’t you know that by now?’ She sobered. ‘Cyrene let you down’. Gabrielle’s thoughts darkened accusingly.
‘No’, Xena smiled, shyly kissing the blond head. ‘Love is just blind’.
‘Not mine Xena’ Gabrielle whispered. The taller woman just gathered her in tightly. ‘You know Xena’, Gabrielle continued seriously, ‘now you’re outed as cook, we should go fishing.’