I stand outside the dirty brick building smoking a cigarette. I know its silly and that I can smoke inside, but I need a moment. I need to stretch time out a little farther so I can put them off for another minute or two. Oddly the "them" Im trying to avoid are my friends but as the saying goes, "with friends like this who needs enemies," for better or worse they are my friends. Ive known them forever: we grew up on the same block, got into trouble, started clubs, and went to the same - elementary, middle and high school together. As puberty hit we discovered boys and then girls. It wasnt until college that I broke the cycle and dropped out, but they continued on becoming the three musketeers with me as the ever aloof forth member. Im more of a sidekick to their Athos, Porthos, and Aramis not even really ranking as a DArtagnan, but thats fine because I couldnt wield a sword if my life depended on it and chicks defiantly do not fall at my feet with their bosoms all a heaving. Mmmmm, heaving bosoms. Sorry I was having a moment.
My so called friends as well as everyones parents still give me crap for dropping out of college, but I like my life just fine, I think.
I take a long last drag and let the ashy butt fall from my fingers onto the gravel below and then I grind the hot cherry under my boot heel. Wiping my hands on my jeans I open the door to The Closet, I havent got a clue to who originally named the bar but they certainly had a twisted sense of humor. The Closet was the first openly gay bar, here in town. They were here and queer and proud of it in this two-horse town. Since then a mens bar called Matts and a gay friendly dance club called the Castle has opened, yep my town is a regular gay Mecca.
My favorite bar however is The Closet, its old and has personality, it may have had a brief life as a cowboy bar before its secret life as the gay place to be. The décor is all old worn wood, which makes it seem cozy and relaxed to me. I also DJ here on weekends so my loyalty to the place is also bought by the fact they give me a paycheck.
Its not even ten oclock on a Thursday night so the DJ hasnt started yet and the tiny dance floor is empty of life. The few people who are in the bar sit around watching the TVs set up on the walls around the room; or are playing pool or darts.
I spot Jen first shes leaning up against the pinball machine working her charm all over some poor girl. Her blue-eyes are shining a bit -- probably from the thrill of the hunt. A quick glance and the others are spotted sitting at a table, as I walk over to join them Ashley spots me giving a wave. I wave back as she nudges my sister sitting next to her.
Olivia looks up and follows to were Ash is pointing, she smiles and raises an empty pitcher in a clear sign that if I want to drink I need to go get it. Sighing I head for the bar, they love me just for the free beer I know it.
I wait at the bar; Jeff is around somewhere probably changing a keg in the back. I tap the wood with my thumbnail until he comes from around the corner his mouth stretching into a smile. "Carmen. I didnt know you were the DJ tonight."
"Im not. Just meeting some friends."
"Ah, the brat pack." He nods knowingly.
I just give a laugh; Im not sure how we got that nickname but its ours. "Can I get a pitcher of Bud Light and a glass?"
"Just one glass?"
"Yep, looks like they started without me."
"One glass and one pitcher coming up."
As he passes the beer my way I grin and ask what the damage is. "Its on the house. If " he pulls the beer back from me. "If you bring Kevin with you tomorrow night. Its my night off." Jeff says with a goofy grin.
I just give a laugh. My buddy Kevin is the heart breaker of gay men everywhere. "Ill do my best."
"Thats all I ask."
I give another smile and walk back to the table with the fresh pitcher in tow. To my surprise Jen has returned to the table but shes girl-less. "Oh my did you strike out Bridgewater." I know it sounds snarky, but I know she can give far better than I can.
"Shut it Carmen. Shes on a date and didnt want to be rude. Ill be going out with her tomorrow."
"Oh." Secretly I want to be there the day somebody uses her and not the other way around.
"My you certainly look like a big old dyke tonight. Whats up with that?"
I roll my eyes. I hate when they start picking apart my clothing choices. Next will be my lack of direction and why I should go back to college and apply myself.
"Lets see." Ashley starts. "Baseball cap turned around. 501s, a t-shirt, and Doc Martins all you need to finish it off is a flannel."
"I would but I dont think you could handle it." Ashley shot back.
Ugh, beer. I need beer. Beer will make the whole evening better. Beer good. I think to myself as I fill my glass up. The more I have to drink the better I will be able to deal with them. I sip my beer happy that they have moved on to things other than my clothing style. Jen Bridgewater is the reigning queen of our pack and we are but her lackeys. Shes tall and beautiful in with long chestnut hair and blue-eyes that would make a Nazi jealous. Shes a lawyer in her fathers firm so she has it all: the looks, the brains, and the money. Unfortunately, shes a major bitch and she really does think shes Gods gift to women. As I understand it she likes it rough, and no I dont know this from personal experience, I mean I did have a small crush on her but Ive so gotten over that. I know this useless piece of info from some of my girlfriends or ex-girlfriends that she stole from me. One or two came back telling tales and pleading their Im sorry and blah, blah. Im sorry if youve slept with Jen I wont touch you with a ten-foot pole.
I know that Jen and my sister Olivia are fuck buddies on occasion, she never talks about it but sometimes I see a mark or two and I just know. My sister and Jen use to date until Jen broke it off. I think Olivia is still in love with her, but thats none of my business. Olivia is about two years older than me we both have dark hair and pale skin, her eyes are more of a gold why mine are brown. She works as an upper level manager for MR Technologies. Shes a good sister but I wish shed get over Jen and start dating seriously.
Then theres Ashley. Shes got short spiky hair that shes started dying blonde; shes the shortest of us at 54". Its funny that she was calling me a dyke when she looks like the queen of stereotypical dykes, but oddly shes bi-sexual. Actually Ashley is just sexual, she doesnt let a little thing like gender slow her down. She works as an accountant for the local correctional facility. Im brought out of my musings by someone yet again telling me what my problem is.
"You know what your problem is, Carmen?"
Christ here they go again. Its going to be my clothes again or college.
"Your too nice you let people just walk all over you."
I snort, "Yeah like you guys."
"Hey that was uncalled for."
I roll my eyes again and reach into my pocket for a cigarette and matches.
"Dont even think it." Jen growls out.
Sighing I put them back, its a bar I should be allowed to smoke other people are smoking. Olivia gives me a shoulder hug, "So sis what have you been up too?"
"Oh you know the usual. Working at Fleet Feet Couriers and here spinning disks. Oh I went mountain biking with Kevin today."
"You know if you went back to school and got a degree you could be making a lot more money "
I cut Ashley off. "I like my life guys." I need a break from them and there critique of my wasted life. "Im going to go outside and smoke."
They just grunt at me and turn their attention to the bar patrons sizing up potential conquests.
Outside the air is tangy with the scent of spring that is just arriving on the heels of winter it is almost sweet and bitter like you can taste winters anger at being replaced by spring. I sniff again catching a whiff of lilacs. A small smile tugs at my lips at the smell and I pull out the pack of cigarettes, but it almost seems sacrilegious to block out that smell.
I fumble with the matches wondering what I did with my lighter. I could have sworn I had it before I entered the bar, but lighters are tricky that way. Lighters are an unfaithful lot and have a tendency to wander, but matches are loyal they stick with you even if you accidentally wash them. I finally get the match to light and I make an assign comment in my head, look Carmen make fire. I follow that thought with some ape grunting noises. I made a funny and I chuckle at myself. Suddenly a voice purrs in my ear, "You shouldnt smoke you know. Its bad for your health."
What the fuck? I jump back startled. My head whips around to the left and I am struck dumb. I am so cured I will never ever light another stinken cancer stick again if she will be my reward for kicking the habit.
The voice is attached to the most gorgeous thing in the female gender that I have ever scene. She is taller than me with short curly red hair and deep blue eyes, which Im sure, would look like the ocean if I had ever seen the ocean.
My mouth gaps open and the unlit cigarette falls to the ground but I dont really care.
"Sorry." She says with a grin, which makes me think shes not sorry at all. "I didnt mean to startle you."
"Oh it was my pleasure." I croak out all suave. But oddly it is my pleasure because my long lost libido that I had thought had gone south for the winter only never to return has comeback with a big old howdy in my pants.
She arches a red eyebrow at my comment.
"Oh shit. Here let me get the door for you." I quickly get the door open and she smiles and that smile makes me a big happy puddle of naughty thoughts.
"Thank you." She extends a hand. I take it floating on cloud 9. "Anna Russell."
"Uh, er, uh. Im Carmen Webster."
Her eyes go slightly large, "Really?"
"Uh, yes." Something strange has just happened and if my libido would quit doing the happy dance in my jeans I could probably figure it out. However, before anything more can be said and exchanged she walks away into the bar, I think she muttered something like "my youve changed." I must be hearing things cause to imply that Ive changed would mean taking on the assumption that we know each other before now, but I know theres no way I would forget someone like Ms. Russell le roew.
The door closes and I let her get away but I just shrug, she so out of my league why dwell on it. I stoop over and pick up my fallen comrade and strike another match.
While Im standing outside drawing the nicotine goodness into my lungs, I toy with the idea of just going home, but I know if I leave without saying good-bye Ill never hear the end of it. I ponder if its worth it and then put the cigarette out and go back inside nothing is ever worth the shit they give me. As I go back into the bar Im not surprised to find every drunken eye in the place latched on to the newcomer, Ms. Russell. However, I am surprised that Jen isnt trying to work her magic all over Ms. Russell.
Jeff is mixing the beautiful red head a drink at the bar. He catches my eye as I walk in and gives me an evil grin. My brain screams, dont Jeff. Dont do it. For the love of God dont do it. But its too late I know whats coming.
"Carmen." He shouts out.
"Jeff." I reply back lamely.
"Come over here." He wiggles is hand in a come here gesture.
I slink over to the bar trying to hold off the potentially awkward social situation that I know is coming.
"Carmen weve got a new patron to The Closet. Carmen I want you to meet Anna Russell, shes visiting us from New York. Anna this is our resident Friday and Saturday night DJ." He paused letting them say their hellos before starting up again. "Anna since you are new to our fair city youll need a tour guide. Carmen here being unattached would love to help you out."
Anna quirks an eyebrow, "Really."
They way she says really makes the word naughty, well naughty in a good way. Honestly I love Jeff and all the gay boys at The Closet, but I do wish that they would mind their own damn business and stop playing matchmaker. I can feel the skin in my cheeks flaming out under her gaze.
"I I " Come on Webster make a sentence here. "I, sure, I could play tour guide."
Ms. Russells red, moist, lips, purse into a delicious smile. "Hmmm. What if I wanted to play something other than tour guide?" She asks with an innocent expression on her face while her lips drip innuendo.
My face turns even redder. Oh jeez, shes flirting. Women dont flirt with me.
"Uh " I stammer. Come on Webster flirt back you can do it.
"If youre looking for someone to play with around here Ill be more than happy to help you out." Replies Jens voice from behind us.
Shit. Game over. I cant compete with Jen. Jen brushes past me whispering, "So out of your league Carmen." She grabs Annas hand and kisses the knuckles.
For the first time I am really and truly angry with Jen, even though I let her do this shit to me all the time. "Jen." My voice comes from somewhere and it sounds pissed.
Jen looks at me clearly taken back but it doesnt last her face shifts into predatory mode. "Go away Carmen. Ms. Russell and I were having a private conversation."
"I I " Is all I can stammer out as I look at the players. Jeff looks pissed at Jen and Anna just looks amused at the whole thing. Fuck it a woman I have known for all of five minutes is not worth Jens wrath. I turn and go back to the table. As I approach I see my sister looking wistfully at Jen and Anna, and Ashley looks delighted.
Ashley looks up at me sipping her beer, "Whoa there. For a minute I thought you might have finally grown a pair." She jokes.
Thats it. "Im out of here."
"Awe. Jen stole your toy so now youre going to go home and pout."
"Shut up Ash!" I nearly shout. She looks befuddled at my anger.
I turn to my sister and I cant take the whipped puppy dog look on her face, "and for Christs sake Olivia get over her and move on with your life." She just looks at me her golden eyes becoming moist and I feel like a shit. Disgusted with my friends but mainly with myself I stomp out of the bar with one thought burning in my head. Got to get me a better class of friends.
My exit of righteous indignation complete I stand lost on the street corner unsure what to do. Should I go try to meet up with my roomies at the Castle? Or should I just head for home? Maybe Collins Bar and Grill will have a live jazz band tonight I could check out? At a loss I automatically reach in my pocket for another cigarette, while I think over my options for the evening. Fumbling; I yet again cant find my lighter but I come up with a book of matches. I tear out a stick and strike it.
"I thought you might have listened to me the first time."
Ms. Russell had snuck up on me again. "Wha..? How do you do that?"
"Sneak up on me?"
"You must think too loud. I was hardly sneaking."
Suddenly I realize the match that I had lit a few moments ago is now cooking my fingers to a light golden brown. Goddamn Ms. Russell is distracting. "Ow! Fuck!" Okay yes not the smoothest things to utter in female company. I release the burning match.
"See." She says with a sinful smile, "I told you smoking was bad for you."
I ever so suavely hold my burnt finger up to my mouth and blow on it to relieve the pain. This whole situation is weird. Im not the type of girl other women flirt with or chase after. Nope no chase after girl here. Jen is the type that happens too. So needless to say Im having a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that this gorgeous, hot woman is out here, with me, standing on at street corner at 9:45 at night. When she could be inside being smooth talked by Jen.
Were standing and Im trying to think of clever dialog to engage her in well something other than, "Theres this motel up the street. You game?" Im pretty sure shes the type of girl who would slap me if those words came flying out of my mouth. After a moment or two I give up on the clever dialog and go with, "Um, was there something you wanted?"
She looks at me and I swear its one of those smoldering looks Ive read about in lesbian romance novels.
"Yes." She states. "There is something I want." She takes my hand the one I am now absently holding near my mouth. Im not blowing on my finger any more in fact Ive forgotten how to breathe. She slowly kisses my burnt finger and then opening her mouth her tongue pokes out. It is swirled along my skin and I can say honestly there is no more pain in that finger. She gives it a light kiss the tongue bath complete and releases my hand; it just flops down to my side.
"I was hoping you might take me back to your place."
Uh. Jesus. I havent had sex in like 2 years and my sex drive is burning rubber and running laps in southern region. "I, I, c-c-cant." What the hell? What is wrong with me?
My libido is doing the salsa of the sex fairies but the rest of me is scared by this amazingly hot woman and her rather aggressive come on. Okay in all fairness if I was Jen it would have been a PG rated come on, but Im not Jen Im me, and me is scared.
"Oh." Is all she says with a disappointed look and I want to kick myself in the head.
"Your more of a challenge than I thought Ms. Carmen Webster." She pulls out what looks like a business card and slides it into my back jeans pocket. I forget how to breathe when she does that.
"If you change your mind theres my number call me." Leaning over she kisses me lightly on the lips and turns and goes back into the bar, back to Jen.
I really want to tell her to comeback, but I dont. I feel like I missed an opportunity of a lifetime. Damn it I need beer, the Castle it is.
- - - - - - - - - - -
Im having the best dream; it has to be a dream cause nothing like this would happen to me in real life. For once I didnt do the nice thing or the right thing. Instead I let that aggressive woman pick me up so I could take her home. Oh God. The things she can do with her tongue. Oh jeez. Its never felt like this. Its all hot and pulsing like theres lava in my arteries and the sex fairies have started a union and theyre all buzzing around my ears. It just keeps building, this heated pressure expanding out until its to big for my body to contain. This isnt real. This isnt right. Its never like this. This is some unrealistic fantasy feeling that only women in cheesy romance novels and pornos feel. It cant really be like this. My skin cant hold it anymore its bigger than me and Im coming hard and Im falling out of bed.
Damn. Even in sleep I knew it was too good to be true. Lying on the floor sticky with my own sweat my heart thumping in my chest and my oh, um. I think I had an orgasm. I thought I had one before, but now, now Im not so sure. Damn that was, intense, would seem an appropriate way to categorize what just happened but I think I will use the word weird. This is so unlike me, for crying out loud I had a wet dream. Im 26 years old not a 16 year old boy.
"Hey Webster you okay?" One of my roomies asks through the door.
"Uh yeah. Im fine."
"You didnt bring someone home that we were unaware of?"
"No." Smartass I never bring anyone home; its a big joke with them. "Just a bad dream." A bad, evil, very bad even, nasty sweaty dream.
"Okay." With that I hear footsteps walking away.
I lay back down on the floor where I landed. Since I only have a mattress on the floor I didnt have far to go. I reach over to the crate I use as a nightstand and grab my glasses so I can see the time. Its almost noon but I dont have to work at the courier service so Im free until 10 tonight. I need to do something to get my mind off of my dream and my new state of arousal. Ill give Kevin a call and see if he wants to go mountain biking. As I sit up I get a sniff of myself, but first a shower one should not walk around the whole day smelling ones own arousal.
-- - - -- - - - - -
The music is pounding tonight. I love it. What is even better nobody has come up to request a slow cheesy love ballad. They all want to dance out there on the dance floor, be eaten up and consumed by the controlled chaos of the music and the other bodies gyrating on just the nice side of obscene.
I havent seen Jen, Ashley, or my sister at all tonight. Theyre probably at the Castle, this place just isnt their style on the weekends, from what I understand there are some pretty cozy dark nooks where one can get lost in for a quickie. Not that I would know about that, I have a hard enough time asking for a dance let alone quick sex with a stranger in a somewhat public place. I look over and see Kevin with Jeff.
Kevin is an odd boy. Ive known him for like what seems forever. In the classic boy meets girl, he stuck gum in my hair and I beat him up at recess we were like in the 4th grade at the time. Growing up when I wasnt hanging with the "brat pack" I was hanging with Kev. My mom was thrilled I think she even made all these grand plans in her head for our wedding. Unlucky for my mom she got not one but two gay daughters and Kev whos a real flamer himself.
Kevin comes from this really wealthy family. His parents are divorced and he and his mom live here. His mom doesnt work she just lives off his dads money. Kev also comes from a very religious family. He has sever internalized homophobia issues and cant seem to reconcile his faith with his being gay. Every once and a while he freaks out on himself finds some girl to date and tries to be "normal". Whatever that is. After a week or so hes fallen of the straight wagon and is back to being gay.
The gay boys love him hes a really hottie, I guess, but for as long as Ive known him hes only ever slept with one guy. Kevin and this guy had some tawdry affair that would be the envy of any daytime soap plot. The guy just left him high and dry. No good-bye or anything.
As I look around some more I see Sue and Rob, two of my roomies, over at the pool table. They have a band with the other roomy Ed. Sometimes when they want something brassy in their set theyll ask me to come play with them or sing back up to Sue. Okay, Ill just get this over with now. Yes, I was a band geek. I play the trumpet. I was also stuck in the church choir until I grew into a moody teenager and refused to do it anymore. Sue and I actually had band together in high school she played the flute, and no Im not telling if she ever went to band camp.
My attention quickly shifts to the dance floor and a new couple Ive never seen at the Closet before. One is Asian with short black hair and the other is white with long curly blonde hair. They are a beautiful couple and they dance very well together. Okay, they look like theyre having sex on the dance floor. Only with their clothes on and standing up. Well I guess it really isnt that unusual to have sex standing up Ill just stop the train of my thoughts now. There really isnt any need to dwell on tits; I mean it, any longer. God knows Ive never had sex standing up. Stopping that train again and switching to thoughts of golf now.
I begin my mix into the next song now its a disco song by Abba that some old Queen requested; it clears the floor slightly but not to bad. Out of the corner of my eye I see Jeff trying to get my attention. Hes waving and pointing. Kevin just looks amused. Im trying to read lips. It looks like hes saying, "shes here."
"What?" I mouth back.
What the fuck? Whos this "she"? I try to look where hes pointing but I dont see oh. Oh Shit! Its the aggressive Ms. Russell. Im so screwed and I so need to be mixing into the next song.
The mix is horrible I can see people muttering on the dance floor. Once the horror of the transition is over I look around again for Ms. Russell and find her coming my way. She smiles at me and its a dangerous sexy sort of smile as she stops short of the DJ booth.
"May I come in?"
"Uh, yeah, sure." Danger! Danger!
She pushes through the swinging door and shes suddenly here with me in the tiny booth.
"You didnt call me." She says with a breathy pout.
In all honesty when I remembered about the card she had so naughtily slipped into my pocket I did war with the idea to call her. In the end however, I talked myself out of it.
I am reminded of why I should listen to organs other than my brain as she stands before me. She is wearing tight black leather pants and a white button up shirt with the bottom buttons undone to expose a yummy stomach.
Damn I had forgotten about that breathing thing again.
"Carmen my eyes are up a little higher."
Oh right. "I was just noticing how in shape you are." I am so out of my league. Im wearing baggy jeans, my superman shirt and a blue visor. I look like a club kid.
"Thank you." She says and I blink at her. What is she thanking me for? I have to rewind the conversation in my head. Oh right.
She continues to look at me and I fidget till I blurt out the first thing that comes to mind. "And about calling you. Well, you really intimidate me." I cringe in horror. Can I be any more of a dork?
She throws her head back and laughs. Oh look at that I forgot how to breathe again. I have this sudden urge to wash my fingers in the fiery river that is her hair to see if it is as soft and silky as it looks. I snap back to reality, song ending. Turning to the mixer even though it means removing my eyes from her. I almost forget to hit play as I feel her come up behind me. The heat that burns from her body into mine is delicious. I can feel it scorching the skin of my back.
"I would really like to see you again." She whispers into my ear.
All I can think is that it cant be healthy for a person to be deprived of oxygen like this. I force my lungs to remember their purpose in life and I force my brain back to the task at hand. Im fading out of one song while bringing the other up. For a moment the two songs blend together their rhythms in sync matching each other a lot like good sex I imagine. Mental slap. Okay I really need to get laid two years is too long to go without. Finally the next song is a go and Anna hasnt moved from behind me.
"Ah, could you back up a little?"
Her breath is hot in my ear again and a shiver hurls itself down my spine. She felt that I think cause I feel her smile. "You didnt answer me." Is all she says.
"Backup a little and I will." This is how Jen acts; all forceful queen bitch of the world sort of attitude, and I hate it. However, on Anna it just makes me horny.
She steps back and leans against the wall all cocky self-assured.
"Im really baffled here. Women only do this to me when they want to use me to get a date with Jen. I see it. Its a brief flicker but I saw it in her eyes. Shit.
"You just want to use me to get a date with Jen. I cant believe this. Get out."
"I dont know what you are talking about." She acts confused and slightly offended but its too late Im on to her.
"Look Im sick and tired of being used as a spring board for Jen. Now get out."
"Alright. Im leaving, but I did just really want a date with you. This isnt about getting a date with Jen."
I cave slightly maybe I was wrong. "Ill think about it." I grumble as I turn back to the mixer.
I watch her off and on during the night. She knows the Asian and blonde chick, I watch them laugh and drink together. I also watch her dance. The way she moves, lets just say shes a very naughty dancer and the sex fairies are back doing the polka in my jeans.
Its just cruel the way Im stuck back here and shes out there. Not that it would matter I dance like a drunken cow with only three legs.
"Hey sexy mama." Kevin and Jeff have decided to join me
"Hows the resident fairy duster?"
"But wouldnt you like to be better? I bet youd be great if you were dancing with that red headed vixen."
I quirk an eyebrow, "Duh. Who wouldnt be?"
"Go on go dance your dance of 1000 idiots Ill spin for an hour and Kevin here will keep me company."
"Yep. Go on."
The headphones are removed and I move quickly out of the booth and out on the dance floor. I know, well, Im 98% sure that shes using me, but theres something about her. Truthfully shes hot and Im horny and I dont really care much at this point. I mean I just dont have sex fantasies about just anybody. Okay, so shes the first. Where the hell is she? I swear I just saw her out her shaking her groove thing not but 2 seconds ago.
Suddenly two hands grab my hips pulling me into a warm body. I smell the faint scent of lilacs and I know its her. My body freezes and she whispers in my ear.
"Its okay. Just relax and move with my body."
We dance together and its like were the only ones on the dance floor. Im wrapped in her warmth and the heady scent of lilacs, and before I know it I have to go back to the DJ booth.
"Stay and dance with me." She whispers.
I want to. "I cant."
"Tomorrow, Ill call you." Somewhere Ive gotten brave, but its not hard because I think shes caused my hormones to get all out of whack. I start to leave the floor and she grabs me. "Wha "and my lips are covered by hers.
Its not a gentle kiss, but its not rough. I think its a dont forget to call cause this is what youll be missing kiss. In the distance the gay boys shout pointers.
Her lips leave mine and I stare at her stupidly. Articulate me says, "whoa."
"Dont forget to call." Then shes gone disappearing in the writhing bodies.
Up in the DJ booth I look for her the rest of the night but her and that new couple are gone.
- - - - -- -
The world is a peacefully place at 4am. I ride my bike home through the downtown streets and its empty and silent, the street lamps highlight everything in shadowy contrast. All the bar flys have crawled home to pass out or hover over toilets. There is the occasional car but not many at this hour in another 45 minutes the morning rush to work will start.
Im not stupid I ride through areas that are well lit and I dont cut through the park or down alleys. I enjoy this time its only a 12-minute ride home. Most night its a rush at the bar other nights its a drag. Normally I use these 12 minutes to come down and focus. Tonight, however, I think about lilacs. I think about the mystery woman, Anna, who just walked into my life and I think I know how this tale will end. Me clutching my broken heart in my hands looking for duct tape. I could lie and say all I want is sex, dont get me wrong Im all for having sex. Unlike some folks - Jen- I have a hard time separating my heart and my clit where one goes the other is sure to follow.
I think about dancing with her. Pressed up against her feeling her heat, the softness of her skin and her strength when she would wrap her arms around me. She is the embodiment of strength made human; you can sense its all not just physical. Its her will, her personality, its just her; strength. I could lose myself in it and never come up for air. Being in her arms I could be kept safe from all things. Thats a bit scary. I could lose myself too her and in her. Thats not good.
I blink and Im home. The porch light is on and I see Ed out smoking on it. I carry my bike up the steps and rest it on the railings.
"Hey." Ed says.
I love Ed we can hold a monosyllable conversation that would make primates jealous.
"Hey." I grunt back. Translation: give me a cigarette and matches.
He hands them over. While I try to light it, he says. "Hot night?" Translation: Sue and Rob said they saw you dancing with some hottie.
"Oh yeah." Translation: I nearly came on the dance floor and would willing give up freewill and smoking to be her love rhino.
"Cool." Translation: you the woman. Go Carmen.
"Cool." Translation: you better believe Im the woman.
We spend another minute out on the porch. Ed gets up with a grunt and I follow bringing my bike inside.
Sleep is an elusive thing. My mind keeps working I think about Anna and the smell of lilacs. I wonder why I said I would call, but I did so I will. Call and do what? Its not like I can pick her up. I dont own a car. God, I am such a loser, "hey baby. Wanna go for a ride on my handle bars?"
Maybe we could meet downtown somewhere or maybe Kevin would let me borrow his car? I could take her up to Thompsons Grotto and we could hike around and do the picnic thing. I smile softly in the dark. That doesnt sound half bad. Kind of romantic in a half-assed way and Im nothing if not half-assed. Clutching the pillow I let myself drift off.
To be continued
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