Lauracy’s Reviews
Laurdosis@aol.com



Lauracy began by spoofing “the Divine Ms Nutbread Lunacy” as companion reviews to the Merwulf spoof fake updates. Below you will find links and her reviews, which are a story in themselves.

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Lauracy’s Review of Fake Update to Tropical Storm 1 - The Rescue by Merwulf
DISCLAIMER:
I am only borrowing my "reviewer" status from the Divine nutbread Lunacy. Consider me a lowly turnip loaf in the Merwolfverse. All recommendations below should be held under great suspicion and observed for tendency towards latent lather.

Story: Tropical Storm- the Rescue a FAKE UPDATE by Merwulf
Rating: Make sure you have a change of shorts handy!

I returned from a sabbatical in search of shrine materials and was ecstatic to find Merwulf's latest UBER uber updates loosely based on the Tropical Swarm saga. They are posted on the MerwolfPack list and should be read immediately by any of you who are not drinking at the computer. Go! The rest of you should position your keyboard shower curtain to safeguard equipment from flying beverages and other debris.

The story has developed a new insidious enemy for Dar and Kerry to battle in their fight to keep hold of their names. These borg would be more menacing if Dar were drugged silly with her limbs chained while being suspended upside down in a barrel of lime jello going Mach3, but manage to keep up their threat as we ponder how many borg Dar can take out before Kerry comes in swinging.

Head Count: We are waiting with bated breath for MaryD to position herself near a tub of chocolate milk. The beheadings thus far have been nice clean rolls for her to scoop up and add to her collection. And the count is up to 2.5 (if only Karl had been better endowed.) Promises of more sensational body chopping will have you drooling.

Merwulf's latest work has my nomination for the 1998 Bar None Soap of Shameless Silliness. Shower On Pups!

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Lauracy’s Review of Fake Update to Tropical Storm 2 - The Detroit Incident
by Merwulf

DISCLAIMER: Still borrowing my "reviewer" status from the Divine nutbread Lunacy. Consider me a crumb of Cuban Egg McMuffin in the Merwolfverse. All recommendations below should be held under great suspicion and observed for tendency towards latent lather.

Story: Tropical Storm-The Detroit Incident, Another Fake Update by Merwulf
Rating: 4.5 showers

Prepare yourself for laughing to blissful incontinence. Merwulf has managed to add another "uber" layer in her latest update loosely based on the Tropical Smarm saga. It is posted on the MerwolfPack list. Put down your caffe con leche and go read!

With her latest ricochet, Merwulf explores the very underpinnings of Tropical Smarm and answers our questions about the mysterious redirection through Detroit. Several Merwolfologers had speculated that Dar and Kerry switched planes in Detroit to check on a company that manufactures extra wide couches. Merwulf's piece offers startling new evidence about the plot behind the plot.

You are certain to be delighted by the modern references which make the read a truly twisted glass of chocolate milk. The only point I can reveal without spoiling the segment is that our duo was able to keep their original names, a very difficult task for anyone who has been through Detroit.

Head Count: MaryD will need to turn in one of her head trophies to collect. Since it was a be-healing this time, she could pick up the offending slipper if she left a bit of something for Mr. TPTB to mount in his lovely new LA palace.

"Another Fake Update" gets two pieces of ambrosia on the Mount Olympus Express above my HIGHEST RECOMMENDATION. Shower On Pups!

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Lauracy’s Review of Fake Update to Hurricane Watch - The Lost Chapter
by Merwulf
***Warnings and Disclaimers***
There is darkness ahead, but not the kind that makes you drool for a bus. And its not the kind of darkness in which thrills chase down your spine as you coast around at breathtaking speeds trying to relax in the softest of cocoons. Its more of a "dead of night in downtown Miami in the rain" kind of darkness. Before the lightning strike.
No cats were gutted in this review, but you might wish for one when you read the story.....just for the comic relief.

FAKE UPDATE: HURRICANE WATCH: THE LOST CHAPTER by Merwulf
The mistress of illusion strikes again with a story of black humour that is so dark it makes you wonder if you're still in the cave with our original recipe duo.....until you smell the mildewed calamine lotion. Never has NOT even wanting to "Go There" been so much fun. In THE LOST CHAPTER, Merwulf takes on a ride that makes all unmentionable body parts cringe simultaneously. But its a nice kind of cramping. The vengeance she extracts on Slime did in fact reach 3.5 heads on MaryD's Warrior Potatohead scale. Unless you are afraid of the dark, DO NOT MISS this tale of doom. Located at the MerwolfPack archives at onelist.com

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In the following scene snips the ******** are a unique reversal in which I explore the "fade to light" qualities that are hidden between the black and looming lines:

1. Too bad he was reduced to wearing his worst shorts. They'd been a joke present in the first place and they'd seen better days, even before the pink lotion stains. He'd put everything in the laundry before coming to work and forgotten to pop it into the dryer in his excitement to expose Dar and present her with his ultimatum.

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The thought of Slimy Steve's worst shorts.....I didn't want to shine any light in that direction, but I am compelled by a latent evil streak to share my view. The gift shorts were black faux silk boxers with little cigars that say, "I'm to sexy for my shorts"



2. apparently as they were all either: washing their hair, suddenly gotten married, decided they were gay, moving tomorrow out of state, or throwing up with that "bug" going around. Even Skippy, the camp counsellor, had told him she was going in for the first of her sex change operations.

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CPTSKIP, when do we start calling you ma'am??



3. He slammed his fist down on the desk and screamed in pain. Jerking his injured hand back up, he smacked himself in the already-broken nose and almost passed out. It was the itch that finally distracted him from the stars dancing around his head. Dazed, he reached to scratch himself again, forgetting he still held a pencil and stabbed himself adding insult to injury. This time he did pass out.

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Looks like Steve was smacking HIMSELF with a 2x4 but still didn't end up with a clue.



4. Eleanor stormed into Steve's office to find him face down on the desk, clutching his crotch and obviously, to her, passed out from some obscene autoerotic activity. Indignant, she ran out, heading for Mari's office to file a complaint. She was horrified that a woman of her breeding should be expected to work with animals like this. Well, she'd see him fired. Imagine!!! Doing that at his desk!!! And she imagined it all the way to

Mari's office.

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Whereas another bard that rhymes with "Merwulf" writes about a loving, sacred bond, the bond shared by Steve and Eleanor makes the one's stomach crawl like sentient mildew. Aaaaiiiieeee!



5. There was a tallish woman sitting across the waiting room from him. She was typing into a laptop and snickering to herself.

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Speaking of the other Merwolf.....



6. unlocked the door to his apartment. The reek mildew and rotting fruit bowled him over. Oh God, the laundry!! It was probably alive by now!! If the smell of rotting clothes had been any stronger, it could have walked over and opened the door to let him in.

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Speaking of sentient mildew.....

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Lauracy’s Review of Starship Yentleprise by Merwulf
DISCLAIMER:
Inundiation by Merwulf's whacky humour and first hand exposure to a real Lunatic has caused a delusional personality to surface hereafter known as Lauracy, the Breaded Reviewer. My corporeal form is limited to the bits of fluff captured by a nametag when it is peeled off.

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First I must admit, I've not been reading my usual 65 gigabytes of fan fiction this weekend. After my fingers were finally pried from the laptop I had to content myself with reading only the name badges of the bards. (Of course, I slapped extra tags on any blank chests I encountered.)

However, I was able to sneak a read at Merwulf's latest update while she was in the shower exploring new soap frontiers. I'm posting this clandestine review because, 1) the instalment gets my HIGHEST RECOMMENDATION--QUICK PASS THE ICE BUCKET and 2) if she catches me in the act of reviewing an unofficial update it's possible she'll let one of her uber characters consume me...

Not only has Merwulf propelled our favourite duo to warpspeeds but her latest work moves her up an alt-notch to PG-13 and a half. Never has her basin o'writing overflowed so smoothly. Fly to your nearest update post and be prepared to melt as no author has melted you before. I suggest that you install a seatbelt on your couch nacelle as a safety precaution. Then hang on and enjoy the ride.

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Lauracy’s Review of Meanwhile Back at the Inn, A Day In the Life of Dori
by Merwulf

*** Warnings and Disclaimers ***
None. How much trouble could one sweet baby be?? Well, OK, some chickens were scattered in the making of this story and one truly malevolent cup of ale was unleashed on the pride of an Amazon warrior. Rating PG-10 months


MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE INN: ADITL WITH DORI by Merwulf
In her most ambitious feat yet Merwulf climbs into the mind of baby Dori and fills the lives of the villagers of Amphipolis and the Amazon Nation with a bundle of joy/holy terror. The descriptions are vivid enough to make Ares cringe at the diaper pail. In a Dood way, of course. Little Dori is shown to have strong traits from both her mothers as well as her own precocious and very charming personality which captures the hearts of all who encounter her. Merwulf's account of Dori's young adventures is VERY HIGHLY RECOMMENDED--but you better catch her fast!
Located at the onelist archives for merwolfpack@onelist.com

Additional observations:

Even at such a tender age, Dori shows inclinations to many professions,
including,
-- surveyor
-- chicken rancher
-- horse trainer (ok, well, "wolf trainer")
-- human cuisinart

Do you get the sense that Eponin will have to advance her conditioning
course for the Amazon runners.....again?

The first Potato Head was an Amazon??? The truth is revealed.......
Regent Ephiny has interchangeable parts hidden in her bum!

Salmonious Marketing Scheme of the Day: Contact Creation Entertainment.
Have them ask LL to wear a series of extra large T-shirts. Sell them at the
Con as "warrior princess security blankets."

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Lauracy’s Review of Xena and Gabrielle Do the Wildthing 1
by Merwulf
WARNING
--This review is rated pg 14.5 and is the by-product of a mental meltdown from the fumes of steaming peanut M&Ms.

Hi everyone, I apologize for not keeping up with my review updates. I'm in the process of setting up a new review page on my site "Felines and Pheromones: Going There with Fan Fiction Experts." I was inspired to come out of hiding to let you know about the following MUST READ story:

XENA AND GABRIELLE DO THE WILD THING by Merwulf
My buns are sizzling over here as I am typing this review as fast as possible. While I know many fans don't really read Merwulf for the set up, she has some terrific characterizations in this one. And the action is PHENOMENAL. I was particularly enthralled by the detail provided by the fade to black scenes. I don't want to spoil you too much but scroll down if you want a blow by blow analysis of the scenes. This one floats above my HIGHEST RECOMMENDATION and will take your minds by storm like Mardi Gras in Sydney. Located at the MerwolfPack archives at onelist.com

S C R O L L

1. Xena, never one to fold in the face of a bet, licked her lips and leaned into her task.

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Here you can tell that just as the edges of the scene start go grey and fuzzy, that the whipped cream is not coming completely off. If you stare hard at the actual *****s you can see a lingering phosphorescence where the cream has been transferred... and after a long time, even that disappears.

2. Xena growled her enjoyment of this attention and began her own "drying" attempts as the clouds chuckled.

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Again, the focus in Xena's actions is like a bright spark peaking even as the scene blurs. The rain really brings out a sensual quality and it makes the black seem even darker than....well....black. There is an ethereal sense that the clouds will stop laughing and be drawn away by a very mellow sort of glow.

3. Gabrielle laughed, understanding her partner's ways too well and said, "Xena, when you ask me that with both your eyebrows raised, I know what you really have in mind is showing me how long you can hold your breath while you make me loose mine!!... and yes, I definitely want to go, um, soak! Lead on"

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Here Gabrielle is going there...leading the way into the dark and lovely passage. Even though it is pitch dark in between the ****s you can hear them soaking.

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Lauracy’s Review of Xena and Gabrielle Do the Wildthing 2
by Merwulf
***Warnings and Disclaimers***
Keep your hands in the car. I mean keep your hands to yourselves. I mean raise your hand if you know how to go there. Or better yet, give Merwulf a hand....if you haven't fainted by the end of this update, illumination of the disclaimers will strike you (twice like lightning)

Look both ways before you cross the street as stampeding Xenites will knock you over on their way to yoga classes.

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XENA AND GABRIELLE DO THE WILD THING 2 by Merwulf
Take your bread products away from the heat--this latest update to Merwulf's extraordinarily saucy WILDTHING story has more than enough sizzle to give a tropical meltdown. While the action seems physically impossible, Merwulf has assured me that all the poses are real even though a Webster's Dictionary was used to reach certain heights in the trials. In an abrupt change, the previously fade to black scenes are written out in vivid detail while the blocks of asterisks seem to represent the mundane banter of the characters' everyday lives. While the deep meditation lends it a cerebral feel there's certain to be more to come. This story floats above my HIGHEST RECOMMENDATION and will take your minds by storm like Mardi Gras in Sydney. Located at the MerwolfPack archives at onelist.com

Side bards:
--What has Merwulf been dipping her quill in??
--Does anyone else think she's hearing voices, but only in the really high pitched ranges?

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Lauracy’s Review of Xena and Gabrielle Do the Wildthing 3
by Merwulf
**Warnings and Disclaimers***
If you're coming back in the cave, do NOT bring any firewood. Merwulf has Xena and Gabrielle burning at such high heat, that any extra stoking would (sp?) trigger a spontaneous combustion and melt the entrances closed.

The cave has attracted lots of naturally inquisitive caverneers. This may cause some of the flames to spill over and lick at your feet while you're reading. Please take it in stride. There's bound to be a bus at the end of the tunnel and you can put your feet up and relax there.

Any phosphorescence you may see is a natural phenomenon and only in directly enhanced by participants.

XENA AND GABRIELLE DO THE WILD THING 3 by Merwulf
Like bread toasted on sticks, Merwulf's playfulness continues to engulf us in the flames of molten passion. In the latest update to the WILDTHING story, the bard-work is firmly laid for all the seemingly impossible manoeuvres of some truly gripping, fast-paced action. Merwulf's thorough research is unparalleled and her methodology never skewed (too much). Much to this reviewers delight, the uncannily revealing 'fade to black' scenes are back and biting with a vengeance. So scroll down for a nip by nip analysis. This story turns the toothbrush on its side to receive my HIGHEST RECOMMENDATION--mmpphf...excuse me while I go staunch the flow. Located at the MerwolfPack archives at onelist.com

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1. The bard broke into a wide grin, then gave her partner a bored look, given away by the raised eyebrow, "^Whatever will we find to do to pass the time?" The warrior raised her two ^^ (bringing the total now to ^^^) flashing a smile that rivalled the sunrise.

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The moment of truth. If you think Xena was performing physical acts that defied the gods before it faded to black, just envision all of the raising she was able to lend her strength to once the asterisks broke across that dawn smile.

2. I really didn't think it was possible when I saw it on the wall at Aphrodite's temple." Stretch. "Good thing my yoga has limbered me up."
Xena was too hazy to respond with anything but a lopsided grin, which
Gabrielle kissed, and then kissed again.
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Xena's flashing smile melted to a lop-sided grin. Does anyone else think a trip to Artemis' temple is next on the itinerary? It does mean that in the dark, yoga is mightier than the quill. Notice how the literary blindfold over our eyes makes the sound all the more... vivid.

3. In Xena's handwriting were extensive instructions for a ... dessert she decided... called "honey-dipped bard."
"And all this time I thought it was my honeyed tongue you favoured..."
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Definitely Extra KFC (Kindling in the Fire under the Crockpot). I have never tasted darkness before, but this melding of senses is wayyy too provoking. I may never be able to lick honey off the spoon with the lights on again.

4. As the blond ooohhed and aaahhed, the warrior ran back for some soap, then joined her under the warm spray. She had neglected to bring a washcloth, preferring to use her hands to get the bard in a lather.
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If you did not already have a weakness for showers, Xena Warrior Divining Rod could get you there. Looks like that Sommer's Bionic Showerhead 6900 was invented earlier than we imagined.

5. "Ok, Weyrwoman, but this time I get to ride the dragon.."
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Passionate scales rising and falling through the caverns. I think I blacked out. Fading to black must have taken me between for more than a heartbeat.

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Lauracy’s Review of Fake Update to As Fast As I Can
by Llandllached
***Warnings and Disclaimers***
Keep the adjoining door open at all times while reading this update. Make sure you have waited at least half an hour after eating before beginning to read. If you choose to print the story out and take it to bed with you....neither the author nor this reviewer can be held personally responsible for the continuing functionality of your bed/futon/couch frame.
Rating: not for tender ears, reading this aloud will give you the mother of all nosebleeds.

AS FAST AS I CAN, FAKE UPDATE by Llandllached
Few bards take the time to research a story from all angles, inside and out, the way Llandllached has in this debut entry. The carefully attended details do much to round out the experience of the readers and make the moments our two heroines "share" even sweeter. If you are interested in enhancing the update please follow the reader participation hints below. The much anticipated climactic scene of AS FAST AS I CAN FAKE UPDATE garners 4 out of 5 be-gnawed headboards--and is VERY HIGHLY RECOMMENDED.

Lauracy's Handy Tips for Finding Uber Characters in this Corner of the Xenaverse:

1. Check showers with precision tuning....if you get the moisture levels right, the uberesque qualities of the shower become more obvious.

2. Always reserve hotel rooms with adjoining doors....just in case.

3. Get an advanced degree in nanotechnology and wait for the East Coast to drop off.

4. Never pass up a hot tub without taking a quick snorkel.

5. Explore your local public library reference area with a fine-tooth feather.

6. Check who has the cue before the 8-ball drops.

7. If you post it, they will come.

8. Look in every cave, search every waterfall, climb every mountain.
9. It's all in the wpm

10. Miami, Miami, Miami

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*** WarMings and Disclaimers ***

It's not the heat, it's the humidity. And the heat. Prepare your temperature to rise like a sweathut in a toaster oven on the sun.

Theoretically, large quantities of ice might help cool you off. It is recommended to read this fake update while reclining in a soft-serve barcalounger centred on a hockey rink and eating a double dipped chocolate waffle cone while Mr. Whippy has his way with you (oops--scratch that last part).

Rating - 2000 degrees Kelvin


SUMMER HEAT by Merwulf
Always tantalising when it comes to our favourite Uber-women, Merwulf has really cranked up the heat with a sweltering tangle of scenes that reveal every drop of sweat and leave you thirsting for more. The visual images literally shimmer! Merwulf picks up the tail with Dar away on business, but ever present in Kerry's mind--like a mirage in a shower. Taking full advantage of the natural southern summer sizzle, Merwulf brings the teasing climate to the brink...and then a full boil. SUMMER HEAT is very highly recommended. Please be sure to follow the easy Reader Cool Down Steps listed below.

If you missed this fake update, get out of the hot tub and dash over to http://www.mathematik.uni-marburg.de/~jaskadan/m&l/fu-summer1.html (don't even bother drying off first.)


*** Lauracy's "No Core Meltdown" Suggestions for Cooling Off ***

1. Go to Blizzard Beach--come to think of it, is just one annual pass enough??

2. Join the Stanley Cup--be the icing on the puck.

3. Read some classic X and G scenes--substitute "4-star igloo" for cave.

4. Frozen grits.

5. Ride on top of the Go There Bus and try to catch the jet coolant wash
from the incoming Gryphon Airline flights.

6. Tape cold fish to your headboard.

7. Take a cold shower--make sure to llach Dar out first.

8. Make a Honeybear Custard with 12 leftover yolks.

9. Read something a bit less stimulating....like Penumbra's kink series.

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