The Apocryphal Adventures of the TEG
FOB: The blue scrolls..........
This story was found while we were looking for Evidence of Scully's Alien Abduction in a warehouse of floor to ceiling files that all looked the same.
Characters borrowed from Mj........
Thanks to Laur for being willing to play the part of the liquid soap, and to LilZon for her inspirational madness.
"Ok, here's the deal," said the impatient Agent Pond, "I need the two of you to get in there and find out what is going on....... " Agents Eff and Ell risked a sideways glance at each other, pondering the dangers of Pond's latest hair-brain scheme....... infiltrate the FOB Headquarters, hideout of the heinous Dr. ROAR.
Agent Ell queried her leader on this backwater assignment, "Will we have to pretend to like hockey again?" as she fondly remembered her time in the penalty box with another player known for her love of icing.
"Or soccer??" asked an irreverent agent Eff, remembering the golly that she'd deftly deflected with the bridge of her nose on their last assignment, right before her unfortunate hospitalization.
"No sports." said Pond crisply, and handed them each a bottle of hair colouring. "Here are your disguises, you'll need to add a new colour everyday."
The Agents Eff and Ell nodded their grim agreement, wondering which of them would have to try the teal and which the puce.
"Would you look at this place?? More colours than a crayon factory......" exclaimed Agent Ell remembering the beautiful melted colours when they'd torched that factory on a contract assignment for Bill Gates. All he'd said was, "You stop them from making colours......" as if he expected them to just know he'd meant Apple.
Agent Eff's eyes were spinning as she looked from shelf to shelf. Floor to ceiling for as far as the eye could see, bottles of Loriel and Clairol. Closer examination showed that many of the bottles were labelled by character and date....... Minor characters we listed on bottles on the Clairol shelf........... The Loriel shelf was all under the heading BECKY and the bottles read like daily underwear... Monday (red), Tuesday (blond), Wednesday (brunette), Thursday (blue), Friday (green), etc. Agent Eff smirked that it was Tuesday and she was wearing her Friday undies... she liked to be daring, an iconoclast to the last...... or till she had to do laundry to stave off the sentient mildew.
"Ok, there she is......" whispered the puce haired Agent to her taller teal haired companion. Agent Eff tore her gaze away from the Loriel to see approaching the brains of the FOB, Dr. ROAR. She reached under her familiar grey trenchcoat to fondle the new weapons they'd been assigned for this mission Finding her can of hair spray uncapped and ready for action, she withdrew her hand and extended it to take the one offered in greeting. "You must be the new recruits," purred the Dr. "Lovely colour choices, I think you'll fit right in! Come this way......" said the ROAR as she turned on her heel, not waiting for a response but expecting them to follow to the inner sanctum.
The Agents could see that the office was decorated to resemble a hair salon, small sinks lined one wall, the other a row of hair drying bonnets..... which the ROAR referred to as the cones of silence....... with a toss of her hair, she acknowledged a young woman standing near the styling chairs with a large rat tail comb in one hand and a feather in the other. "That's Five-cent over there, we call her Nic......."
Nic raised the feather, smiling wickedly, "Hoow aboot a tease, eh?" The ROAR shot her a withering glance, to which the copper-headed Nic, still smiling, responded by switching the rat tail comb for the feather.
"Five-cent......hmm, don't you own the Copper Nickel down the road?" Agent Ell queer-ied?
"Yup, that's mine. Used to have a place in Canada called the Copper Penny, but had to change it when I moved down here...... the exchange rate being what it is. Hey, were you the little green headed woman dancing naked last week?? Kept asking the band to play Splish, Splash??"
Agent Ell grinned broadly at the memories, an eyebrow and her heart rate raised in response.
Agent Eff counted days backwards by which underwear she'd been wearing on the day mentioned....... yeah, Ell had been green that day....... hmm, they'd have some serious talking to do when this was all over.
Dr. ROAR interrupted her soapy train of thought by clearing her throat. Eff looked up to see a picture of a blue haired woman with soft brown eyes and a maniacal smile, held in the ROAR's hand. "Since you are here, and have come recommended by Mj, I have to assume you have a fanatical devotion to BECKY." She reverently put the picture back on her desk, laying it across the decoy appointment book. She snapped her head back up, a movement that tossed her orange hair in that just so casual way..... Agent Ell was impressed and couldn't help herself from a few practice tosses of her own head trying to master that move. Dr. ROAR smiled wryly, appreciating the effect she was having on the puce haired woman. She decided to trust these new recruits right then and there. "Would you like a bowl of fruit loops?? I'm just about to break for lunch."
Agent Pond was pacing back and forth in her office. It had been two days and no word from her top agents. The Alpha could call them all back at any moment, they had to get this job finished fast and under budget, or she was finished in this town. She shadow boxed a few jabs, trying to disperse the tension she was feeling. What could she do to help them out without blowing their cover?? Loriel delivery? Reporter from Wwoad Magazine? Damn, the last reporter she'd sent in on a job had blown a gasket at the ends justifying the means....... you just couldn't split hairs in this business. Ahh, she'd send in The Mechanic!
Agent Eff finished drying her silver hair, admiring the metallic gold that Ell had chosen for the day. No matter how this gig turned out, they were hooked, Eff secretly acknowledged. They'd be changing their hair colour as often as their undies from now on.
"So that's what Five-cent told me over fruit loops this morning...... the FOB is going to off Reed, to clear the way........ they want their girl to have a shot at getting back together with her ex and maybe getting to star in the picture...."
"Diabolical," Eff responded, "and they call it film......." shaking her head in a way that tossed her curls fetchingly.
The Agents leaped up from their places in the barber chairs when they heard the sounds of rhythmic clanking coming down the hall. They looked at each other in puzzlement, knowing there were no headboards in that direction........ peaking around the doorway, they saw a woman sporting a really bad multicoloured wig. The source of the clanking was a well appointed tool belt. The logo on her shirt said "Go There Mechanics" and when she turned to greet the ROAR who was fast intercepting her, they could see that she was wearing the regulation low slung jeans, weighed down by her tool belt and revealing interesting territory till she hitched up her pants and shook the ROAR's hand.
"Morning, I'm The Mechanic, understand you have some plumbing I can do around here?"
The ROAR released her hand and eyed her wig suspiciously, but was interrupted by
Agents Eff and Ell in their lovely metallic shades.......... "Yeah, that was our call." Agent Ell quickly supplied...... "The water quality isn't right, I had a terrible time getting my shade to come out just so this morning, and SHE's due in later today for her new colour." "I leave it to you then." the ROAR nodded curtly and slipped down the hall to the adjoining tanning salon.
The Mechanic peered after her and said under her breath, "Is that how they always look like Mediterraneans!"
The three agents returned to the room set up as a beauty shop, which was the real hub of the operation. Eff closed the door and turned to the clanking woman, "Pond sent you?"
"Yeah," said The Mechanic, "What gave it away?" "Go There is a known TEG cover name....... we'll be lucky is we get out with our scalps on this one....... I hope you brought equipment." Ell shot out as she considered their options.
The Mechanic got a glazed look in her eye as she considered the equipment she always had handy on her tool belt........ but recovered with a shake of her head that did nothing for her wig...... setting it slightly askew on her head. She pulled out 3 cans from her tool belt, and held out one to each agent. "This is high powered mousse. Emergency stuff. Now what did you find out?" She asked as she moved towards the sinks and began to twist things with her pipe wrench....... "Ouch" said Agent Eff, who'd been over by the sinks...... "use that thing on the pipes instead"
Agent Ell held up a box of black hair colouring, marked Reed. "I pulled this from the shelf last night." She paused for dramatic effect....... and tossed her golden curls. The Mechanic forgot to twist and Ell went on. "You can see it is meant for Reed's next colouring, but if you look further........." another dramatic pause and hair toss as she pulled from the box............. "NAIR!" squawked The Mechanic!
Agent Ell nodded grimly, Agent Eff shook her head and looked sadly at the ground. "To sacrifice a head of hair like that, and for what??" she lamented. "Buck up Eff, it's what we do, to save the unsuspecting from evil....... or computer crashes....... whichever......" Eff was uplifted by Ell's inspiring speech, nodded her head and asked, "Well, how do you purpose we stop them?"
Fifteen minutes later, The Mechanic had the pipes realigned to be fed by the coffee machine and had exchanged the fruit loops for Captain Crunch...... she'd said it was her homage to fallen Agent Skippy. When they'd asked what had happened to him, she'd only said it had been an accident, something about getting in the way of a group of women at a karate match rushing to the showers.
The Agents grabbed the nefarious bottle of NAIR and crept out of the beauty parlour and toward the exit. They would have made it had it not been for The Mechanics tool belt. Quiet was no more possible than keeping up the pants of a repairman. The ROAR and Five-Penny Nic rushed them in the hair colour warehouse. The three agents whipped out their at-the-ready cans of Stay-put Hair spray and fired. The ROAR was frozen in place, but Five-Penny had always been a wild hair and nothing would keep her in place. The Mechanic pulled out the mousse and set it for full impact..... then rolled the can toward Five-Penny, praying they had time to get clear before it went off. The three agents sprinted for the exit, spurred on by the knowledge that that mousse was gonna blow. Agent Ell looked back over her shoulder as she heard the explosion that propelled her through the door. Five-Penny and the ROAR where covered in Chocolate Mousse, stopping Five-Penny in her tracks as she began to lick her fingers. The ROAR's depression at being outwitted by the TEG was easily assuaged by all that chocolate, and she found herself planning a rematch.
Agent Pond was waiting for the three agents at the curb in her big black car. Agent Eff was wiping up a few morsels of Mousse that had struck Agent Ell. The Mechanic was nodding to Pond that their mission was a success. Agents Eff and Ell got into the car with casual tosses of their metallic curls. Ell's toss scattered a few fruit loops into the car, which made Pond roll her eyes as she asked, "You get the evidence?" And all eyes turned to The Mechanic, waiting for her to produce the dreaded NAIR. The Mechanic gazed back with a wry grin, "I, um, well, there was a slight change of plans," ^Eyebrows shot up in front and back seats. "I, um, well, I switched the NAIR for a bottle of Loriel. SHE might not get it today, but one day.........
The three agents gasped at their devious companion, then burst out laughing as they sped away from the curb...... on to their next adventure.
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