Road Trip

quillbar.gif (999 bytes)


Disclaimer: Honest to whatever deity you believe in the first half of this was written before the Tilly/ Bound thread and before Nic posted that picture. Just shows that you're all reading my mind.

The Alpha Agent, head of TEG, the last resort trouble shooting team of the multinational corporation NOT-EDS, a leader in information services and inspirer of run on sentences, leaned back in her chair and surveyed her team, assembled here en masse for the first time since the semi-successful parachuting insertion assignment which had left the team in various states of injury and flavours.

Agents Eff and Ell sat to The Alpha's immediate left, their hair still bearing metallic highlights. Occasionally they would simultaneously flip their hair back, reminding The Alpha nothing so much as Feargul Sharkey's synchronized drummers, and smile slightly feral smiles, reminding The Alpha nothing so much as a psychotic blonde. They had also replaced the mixed nuts in their snack bowl with Froot Loops.

Beside them was The Mechanic, looking rather lost without her tool belt which she was forbidden from taking into the boardroom after using the Dremel to carve a bas-relief set of initials into the oak table top. The Alpha knew that The Mechanic was carrying a Dremel but that it was more of a security blanket than anything else.

The next three chairs were empty, two due to vacations and the other for more complicated reasons. And lastly, to The Alpha's immediate right, was Agent Pond, pensively staring at a celtic knot doodle on her notepad.

"Agent Pond?"

"Yeah, Boss."

"While a vest does add certain distinction to the TEG business attire..."


"...it is generally worn with either a shirt or blouse."

"Oh. You sure?"

"Fairly," The Alpha said. "But it does show off the newest tattoo very nicely."

"The grey does go well with the woad," Agent Pond said, looking down at the tattoo of Winnie the Pooh, armed with a pop-gun, shooting down the fleeing family of Mickey Mouse.

"Good morning, everyone," The Alpha said, opening the meeting. "First order of business is Agent Skippy. Despite lack of heartbeat, brain activity, breathing or any other vital signs Agent Skippy wasn't actually dead. Rather he was in some trance which the medical doctors are dubbing Dar Induced Suspended Animation or DISA. Agents Ess and Are have taken personal time off to study this effect as well as the suspected conditions RISA, XISA and LISA."

Four hands shot into the air.

"Requests for leave," The Alpha continued placidly, "are denied until those three return."

"Second, we have to go back to Epcot. Since our last call there they've been infested by a virus where all the screen savers covert from floating clouds to floating Guinness bottles." The Alpha looked sternly at Agent Pond who was in turn innocently studying her new tattoo, flexing slightly to make Mortimer's corpse twitch.

"Third, gosh darn it if the Gallery's computer system didn't go down again so we'll be heading to DC as soon as we fix up the Mouse Problem. Any questions?"

"Can we ride Space Mountain?"

"Yes but I don't want another scene like last time. Arguing about who got to sit in the front like a couple of kids."

Agents Eff and Ell looked suitably chastised.

"We'll meet at the helicopter in 10 minutes."

After the team filed out the only sign of movement was the slowly blinking cursor on the screen of a strawberry Imac.


"Hold the elevator!" Agent Eff called out and Agent Pond pushed the stop button allowing her and Agent Ell to enter. As Agent Eff pushed the floor button Agent Pond settled back into her corner, leaning against the wall.

She glanced over sideways, looking at Agent Ell in a manner that could only be described as hooded'..

Agent Ell looked down, removing her dark glasses. She paused a three count before looking boldly at Agent Pond.

Agent Pond stared back, slowly tilting her head back, as if considering or evaluating. The
elevator stopped and Agent Eff stepped out. Agent Ell moved to follow, not taking her eyes from Agent Pond. She paused, giving a slight nod before breaking eye contact. Agent Pond watched her, following her with her eyes only.

"Next time," Agent Eff said firmly, striding past a cart holding a tangerine Imac. "I get to be Violet."


"Okay," Agent Eff said. "Are you an animal?"


"Are you a mineral?"

"Ummm, yes."

"Are you a solid?"

"No, liquid. Definitely a liquid."

"Damn it, Ell, would you pick something other than a shower?"

Agent Pond entered the room dressed in dark clothing and holding a can of red spray paint.

Agents Eff and Ell watched her carefully.

"If anyone asks I was here all night," Agent Pond said as she crossed the room and opened the window.

"Doing?" asked Agent Eff hopefully.

"Mah Jong," said Agent Pond slipping over the sill.

"Is that like Kama Sutra? asked Agent Ell hopefully.

"No, its a game. Check the 'puter," came Agent Pond's voice, drifting in from the balcony.

Agents Ell and Eff looked at the complimentary blueberry Imac and shrugged.

"Let's twist nobbies and see what we can get up."


"Tsk tsk, vandals in Disney?" Agent Eff asked.

"Such a shame," Agent Ell agreed.

"Seems very focused for a vandal," Agent Eff added.

"Single minded," Agent Ell continued.

"Concentrated," Agent Eff said.

"Fixated," Agent Ell <insert tag here>.

"Word of the day; monomania," a tired Agent Pond interrupted.

"Oh, look!" cried Agent Eff, pointing at a defaced silhouette of The Mouse.


"This is a good picture," Agent Eff said from the middle seat, pointing.

Agent Ell in the aisle seat leaned closer, nearly conking heads with Agent Pond.

"She's straight," Agent Pond announced with finality.


"Straight," Agent Pond repeated.

"Pond," Agent Eff said slowly, "that's a pic of Melissa Etheridge."

Agent Ell grabbed her styrofoam cup, placing it over her mouth.

"Control, this is Maverick. Bogey is wild geese. I repeat, Agent Pond's gaydar is picking up wild geese."

"Do you think some day we'll get to ride in first class?" Agent Eff asked wistfully.

"I'll go ask. Hopefully they have one seat," Pond said carefully manoeuvring around the cart holding a grape Imac.


"Okay," Agent Eff said. "Are you an animal?"

"Are you a mineral?"

"Ummm, yes."

"Are you a solid?"

"No, liquid. Definitely a liquid."

"Are you a shower? Agent Pond has been gone a while. Betcha she took the upgrade and didn't tell us."

Full of righteous anger the two agents stormed to the first class section to find...

"Gone? How can they be gone?" Agent Ell asked.

"I don't know how. But I know who," Agent Eff said.

"You don't mean..."

"Yes, the Bureau For the Election of Callisto as Karmic voYager."


Somewhere in a remote secret base an immaculately manicured hand snapped off the monitor of a lime Imac.

"They are mine now. And TEG will be like a rudderless ship without its... rudder... now that I have both their leader and the aide."

And B.E.C.K.Y began to cackle.

quillbar.gif (999 bytes)

Return to Foolish Stories

Return to Academy