Bardie Award graphic2003 Bardie Winner!

Best Appearance by Support Male (Auto)



By Zuke



Narrator's Voice:

It is perhaps the most famous item of clothing ever known. As revered as Aphrodite's shimmering pink robe…as reviled as Joxer's underwear. Many argue that no other single article of clothing has engendered such extreme emotions in so many. Was it magical – with the ability to shrink and change texture all on its own? Where did it get that exact hue of green? And where has it gone now? Has it really disappeared from the face of the earth, or is it waiting somewhere…waiting until someone finds and dons Gabrielle's…Bilious Green Sports Bra.

I'm Autolycus, the King of Thieves, and this is…. In Search Of….


Cue theme music and title sequence. The title sequence features scenes of mythical gods and monsters, shot on grainy 16-millimeter film and badly spliced together. In other words, it looks just like the title sequence of Hercules: The Legendary Journeys.


We begin where Gabrielle began…in a little village called Poteidaia. And no, we don't know how to spell it either. Gabrielle left this village wearing sensible clothes fit for a young village maiden. A year later, she would return wearing the…



Cut to shots of simple village life in Poteidaia – scenes of children making dolls out of sheep dung, men castrating sheep, teenagers sheep tipping – and everyone dressed in sensible clothing which doesn't include a single sports bra – bilious, green or otherwise.

Cut to Hecuba, sitting in front of a large fire and doing something sensible with wool.


She always wore such sensible clothes. Even though she was gallivanting all over Greece and the known world with that warrior woman, I knew she would be OK because she bundled up nice and warm and always had on clean underwear.


Cut to a shot of Gabrielle wearing a peasant blouse and long skirt. She jumps on Argo and her skirt billows up, showing a brief shot of her underwear. Whether or not they're clean is up to the viewer to decide.


Hecuba (continuing):

And then one day she came home to get married to poor Perdicus and she was wearing…That thing! The skirt was bad enough – at least she still had on clean underwear beneath it. But that Bilious Green Sports Bra! I mean, where did that exact shade of green come from? Boiled Artichokes? I just thank the gods she has nice abs. She got that from my side of the family. Why, Herodotus' mother…now that woman had a belly on her as wide and wavy as the Aegean.


Cut to shots of Gab's Abs. These shots go on for a long time. A very long time. And then a little bit more.



So Gabrielle simply appeared back home wearing the BGSB. But where did it come from? And who convinced her to give up her sensible clothes to wear it? For the answer to that question, we go to The Amazon Village.


Cut to The Amazon Village. This is the Greek Amazon Village (Classic). Not to be confused with the Northern Amazon Village, the Amazon Village outside of which Ephiny and Solari didn't die, Varia's Amazon Village, or a village on the banks of the Amazon.


Autolycus (continuing):

Gabrielle arrived here for the first time a young, innocent village girl. I won't repeat that she was sensible, because we've already established that. She tried to save the life of Tereis, an Amazon princess who was doing a fantastic impression of a porcupine. At the end of her adventure in The Amazon Village, Gabrielle was a little less young and a lot less innocent. She had earned Tereis's rite of caste and an unusual new outfit.


Cut to Solari sitting in The Amazon Village. Ephiny and Eponin are sparring behind her, watched by a bevy of young Amazon cuties.



OK, I admit that I made Queen Gabrielle her first Amazon outfits, but I swear I had nothing to do with that BGSB. Ep and Eph taught her to use the staff on her first visit to The Village. I was her tailor. But the clothes I made her were nice brown and rust hues. They complimented her coloring. She's an Autumn, by the way. I'm not ashamed of my fashion abilities. I might be one of the best fighters in the tribe, but my mother always said I needed a trade to fall back on. She taught me how to weave and sew and tan leather.


Cut to shots of Gabrielle in her Amazon leather dress, dancing awkwardly around the campfire, doing her best to keep up the tradition of ruining crops and scaring small children.


Solari (continued):

The only good thing about the BGSB is that it shows off Gabrielle's trim belly. It's one of her best features, and I always say, "if you've got it, flaunt it, sister." Of course, she went a good year before she decided to show more than a little flash of skin. Who knows, maybe if she'd been flashing her abs in Thessaly, that Mitoan wouldn't have stabbed her. Or was it a Thessalian? I always get those two mixed up.


Cut to shots of Gabrielle in her rust wraparound shirt and skirt, culminating in a shot of her wearing wraparound bandages after her near-death experience.



Was Gabrielle's old outfit too bloodstained to be worn again? Surely a cold water wash and a good scrub would have taken care of that. Did someone convince her that skin was in and that bilious green was the new black? Or perhaps the Gods were involved…


Cut to Athena sitting on an ornate throne, her S.O. sitting at her right hand.



What, just because I'm the goddess of weaving I'm suddenly responsible for everyone's bad dress sense? So I have a hobby. Do you have a problem with that? How about I weave your guts into a nice hearth rug?


Athena stands, wielding a sword and the film cuts off abruptly. The screen goes dark for a second, and then we cut to another throne room. Ares sits with his legs thrown over the chair arm, playing with a human skull. He puts his fingers up through the jawbone and pokes them out the eye sockets, wiggling them around. He laughs uproariously, and then looks at the camera, realizing that he's being filmed. He throws the skull behind him. The sounds of a yowling cat are heard off camera.



The BGSB? Yeah, all right, I had something to do with it. I had this plan, you see. I figured I'd get the annoying little brat to wear the thing, and Xena would take one look at it and dump the kid at the nearest crossroads. I mean, who could look at that color without feeling sick? How was I supposed to know that the friggin' bilious green would actually make Gabrielle's eyes look even more like emeralds. Not to mention her abs! Who knew what the irritating little blond had going on under those clothes? Not that I'm complaining, mind you. OK, my plan went pear shaped – but at least I got to look at her abs for the next few years.


Cut to a market in a village. Gabrielle is browsing past the various stalls. She slows as she comes to a clothing stall. Ares, disguised as an old woman, is running the stall. A banner above the stall reads "Sappho's Secrets". We watch the scene unfold silently as Autolycus explains what happened.



Ares' plan had been simple and effective. Pose as a market trader with clothing for sale priced so low that a shop-a-holic like Gabrielle simply couldn't pass it up. Bribe some villagers to buy BGSBs like they were the latest craze. Then offer the bargain hunter from Poteidaia the most bilious, most green, and most sporty piece of them all. Add a little divine mumbo-jumbo, and whoosh! The sale is complete.


The scene ends as Gabrielle hands over her dinars to the disguised Ares and she takes the BGSB, holding it up triumphantly and then rushing into a tent so she can put it on right away.



But I swear to you, I'm not responsible for the shrinkage. I told her not to wash it in hot water. But she just had to go and make these little modifications. Again, I'm not complaining. In fact, I think Xena owes me. Big Time. (Ares pauses for a moment, considering. Then shrugs.) But what else is new.



And so the origin of the BGSB appears to be solved. But when we return, we'll explore the extreme emotions that the BGSB engenders in everyone who has laid eyes on it. And then we'll delve into the mystery of the fate of the BGSB.


Fade Out.

Ad Break:

Fade in to Meg, sitting in the middle of a rumpled bed. She has a very smug smile on her face. Joxer is asleep next to her, snoring loudly.


Meg (singing):

My Mousaka has a first name, it's J-O-X-E-R.

My Mousaka has a second name, it's The M-I-G-H-T-Y.

Oh I love to eat it every day,

And if you ask me why I'll say,

Cause Joxer the Mighty has a way with M-O-U-S-A-K-A

How's that?

Fade out.

Fade In:

To more shots of the BGSB ('cause you really can't have enough of them, can you?)





Welcome back to In Search Of… The BGSB. Some adore it. Others loathe it. How could a few square inches of bilious green material spawn such varied emotions in those who lay eyes upon it?


Cut to: Draco, his ferocious demeanor softened by a sappy smile.


The first time I saw Gabrielle – or Elle, as I call her – she was wearing some horrid sensible, village girl outfit. Is it any wonder I didn't recognize her beauty? That outfit covered up all her assets, if you know what I mean. But when I laid eyes on the Bilious Green Sports Bra…oh man! Va Va Va Voom! (Draco holds up his hands as if cupping something 'B' cupped-sized.)


Cut to: Ephiny (very much alive) who looks reluctantly at the camera and squirms.


Well, what could I say? She's my queen and my friend. I had to be diplomatic. I told her I didn't think it was really her color. But she said it was easy to take care of, it let her swing her staff without getting in her way, and Xena told her she looked good in it. I was going to ask her what Xena was drinking at the time, but I'm not that much of a catty bitch.


Cut to: Joxer, who adjusts his helmet and pasta strainer, then wanders through his memories (and metaphorically trips over his feet).


Oh yeah, that top (he sighs dreamily). You know, I was the one to suggest Gabby put the eyelets in, cleverly disguised as flower petals. I was hoping they'd be a little bigger though. I nearly went blind trying to peek into those tiny holes. (He squints his eyes and then pokes his finger toward an imaginary hole).


Cut to more shots of Gabrielle wearing the BGSB, in all of its varied shapes and sizes. Freeze on Xena, in the body of Callisto, her hand resting on Gabrielle's right boob.


But what did the WP herself think of the outfit? Did she really tell Gabrielle that she liked it? Not to mention promising her that her butt didn't look big in that wraparound skirt?


Cut to Xena sharpening her sword.


The color was good: green and brown. Like camouflage. And it was excellent material. Resilient. That's important in clothing. If you need to use if for other purposes, like gagging bad guys for instance, it's just as effective.


Cut to a scenes of Xena leading Zantar, who is tied and gagged with the BGSB (conveniently grown for the occasion).


Xena (continuing):

I could never figure out the laces though. I mean, I'd get them all undone, and there'd still be material underneath. (Xena flushes.) Not that I…I mean that doesn't imply…I unlaced it when Gabrielle was seasick or wounded or drunk or…whatever. Not that she gets drunk a lot. (Xena finally gives up and scowls.) OK, I admit it; I liked the outfit because it showed off so much skin. Gabrielle's skin is so soft and warm and…soft. And when she'd get cold sometimes she'd get these cute little goose bumps all over her…(Xena catches herself, realizing she's entered the mushy zone. She clears her throat.) Besides, have you seen her abs?


Cut to more shots of Gab's Abs. Just because.



Was the BGSB just a blatant attempt to show off her abs or was Gabrielle really making some kind of fashion statement?


Cut to Gabrielle. She's wearing her dancing slave girl outfit (which shows off even more skin. Which can't be a bad thing.)


I've always had an eye for fashion (plays with the beads on her dancing slave girl outfit) – I mean once I got away from sensible village clothes. The thing about the BGSB is that it was easy to take care of. All I needed was a little bit of water and a good rock. Wash it out, hang it on a branch, and I'd be good to go the next day. Have you tried doing that with a peasant blouse and a long skirt? A few months of that and I realized it was time for a change. When I saw the BGSB in the market, I had to buy it. It went with my skirt. And it was a bargain. (Gabrielle smiles and her nose crinkles.) And Xena seemed to like it.


Cut to scenes of Gabrielle in other outfits worn after the demise of the BGSB.


Gabrielle (continuing):

But after awhile, it was time to try other outfits. That BGSB was just too hot for India. I tried to wear leather for awhile, since it seemed to work so well for Xena, but it was way too hot. And then I took a shine to red satin. I admit it wasn't as easy to take care of, but it hid the bloodstains better.


Cut to scenes of Gabrielle fighting in her red velvet outfit.



But what became of the BGSB? When we return, we'll trace the fate of the most famous article of clothing in history.


Fade Out.

Commercial Break:

Fade in to Diana, Meg, and Leah standing in a semi-circle staring down at a plate. A huge pita with a tiny brown blob sits on the plate.

Leah (lisping):

It's certainly a big pita.


(Eyeing the object before her.) It's a very big pita.


Big fluffy pita.


It's a very big, fluffy pita.


Where's the falafel?


Some falafel places give you a lot less falafel on a lot of pita.


(Looking around while Diana leans down to examine the tiny falafel and Leah dubiously sniffs the pita.) Where's the falafel?


Cut to a closeup of a luscious falafel with lots of tahini, crisp lettuce, and fresh tomato.


At Cyrene's we serve a falafel we modestly call a single and Cyrene's single has more falafel than McFalafel's in Poteidaia or Salmoneus' Giant Falafel in Athens. At Cyrene's, you get more falafel and less pita.

Cut back to the three women.


(Looking off camera.) Hey! Where's the falafel? I don't think there's anybody back there.


You want something better. You're Cyrene's kind of people.


Fade out.

Fade In:

To shots of Gabrielle in India, wearing the BGSB, and then wearing her baby poo yellow outfit (which did make her butt look big).



We return to explore the biggest mystery off the ages. What happened to the BGSB? Was it burned on a funeral pyre, thrown into the Ganges to shrink into oblivion…or does it still exist – revered as the iconic item that it is?


Cut to Gabrielle, her face scrunched in concentration. Her nose crinkles adorably.



I really can't remember what I did with it. Well, I was possessed by Tataka at the time. I remember having it on. It was hotter 'n hell in India and I remember that it was rubbing me just here (she touches her lower right boob, rubbing gently)…just below my (she looks down and realizes that she's fondling herself, and jerks her hand away). Anyway, yeah, I had it in India, but when I woke up from my Tataka possession, I was wearing some strange yellowish-green thing. I don't even remember wearing the pearl dress. But I did save one or two pearls. I sold them for passage back to Greece, so something good came out of the whole possession thing.


Cut to Xena, looking annoyed (a not uncommon look for her).



How am I supposed to remember what happened to the BGSB? I was a little distracted by the big lick. I mean, Gabrielle usually shies away from public displays of affection. And after the whole Tataka thing, she tried to convince me to try a new outfit myself. After that we had the time traveling, crazy-ass Indian Gods, finding my Way…I was a little busy to be worrying about bilious green sports bras.


Cut to stereotypical scenes of India: women washing clothes in the Ganges, men charming cobras with flutes, Mowgli dancing with Baloo.



And so we return to India, a land that surely holds the secrets of the fate of the BGSB.


Cut to a man sitting on Takata's shaded throne thing, which is looking a little tattered around the edges.



OK, I admit I found the ugly thing. I sold it and I made a pretty penny. After all, she turned me into a dog! Granted I didn't get burned with holy water like my buddy Ravi, but being a dog was no picnic. Other than the fact I could lick my own….um…tail. So yeah, I sold it to that religious crack pot. The real Devi. If you believe in that. I'll tell you one thing, I'm not going to be as easily fooled as I was before, that's for sure. (The man shrugs and then uses his foot to scratch behind his ear.)


Cut to shots of Eli with Gabrielle.



Did the man of peace really purchase the BGSB? And for what purpose? We unfortunately can't ask him directly, since Ares skewered him like a roasting rabbit over Xena and Gabrielle's campfire. But Eve, Eli Missionary and Recovering Bad-Ass, may be able to shed some light (no pun intended) on the mystery.


Cut to Eve trying to look holy. A fly lands on her nose and she changes into Livia, swatting at it murderously. She gets hold of herself and smiles sweetly into the camera.



I really have no idea what you're talking about. Why would Eli, a man of love – of pure, holy, downy-white love – have the BGSB?

(She peers at the camera, as if daring it to answer. Then she blinks.)

OK, what the hell. This show is going to be broadcast at 4:30 on a Sunday morning. Why not tell the truth to all of the three people who are watching. Yeah, I found the BGSB in Eli's things when I went through them. Why did he have it? Because he was obsessed with Gabrielle. Like every other sap who's ever come into contact with her. Including my mother. What is the deal with that? OK, Gabrielle's got great abs, but look at mine! (she slaps herself in the belly.) These are Roman killing machine abs. I'd like to see Gabrielle do that flip over your victim thing that I do. (Eve does some deep breathing and composes herself). Anyway, I didn't have any use for it, so I gave it away.


Cut to a map showing a line going from India to Greece to Africa to Gaul to Britannia to Chin – back and forth all over the known world and beyond. The lines are drawn more and more quickly until they become a blur, as the following is said in voice over:



What do I want with a bilious green top? Now if it was pink…



I always thought Gabrielle looked cute in it, so I asked Sarah if she wanted it. But I guess styles have changed. Sarah did say she wouldn't mind the dancing slave girl outfit if I could get my hands on it.



I tell you, if she'd been wearing that thing when I knew her, you'd be the filling in a Titan sandwich right now.



I thought I'd try wearing it when I told my stories – get some of that Gabrielle magic going. Didn't work for some reason.



I'm too holy now to show off so much skin.



I copied it for my line of Gabrielle dolls. I figured the kids would relate better to the little bard. But Nooo. They all wanted Xena with her real working sword.


Some Horde Guy:




I was in love with the real Gabrielle and her sensible skirt. Anyway, I'm not speaking to her now. She was dead how often? And did she ever visit me?



I thought I'd try the Gabrielle impersonation trick again. How did I know she'd been wearing red satin? I look horrible in red. And I absolutely draw the line at cutting my hair.



I thought I'd introduce a new prison outfit at Shark Island. But the women started dying of pneumonia.



Touching the BGSB helped bring me out of my coma. I'm reformed this time. Really….I'm serious…Why won't anyone believe me?



We put it through the purification bath, but it still came out that evil color of green, so we tossed it right out of heaven.


Some Cannibal Guy:





I had it for a while, but Brunnhilda and I just kept fighting over it.



You're telling me the Battling Bard of Poteidaia wore that? Bwaaaahaaaaahaaa.



I was going to take it into the twenty-first century and develop a clothing line. I was gonna call it "Xena's Little Bitch". But then the voices told me that time traveling was against the rules.



Our "In Search Of…" staffers traveled the known world and finally tracked down the elusive BGSB. In a little village in the backwater of Thrace stands a tourist trap (cough)… I mean a museum…a museum devoted to the memory of The Great Bard and Devoted Sidekick, Gabrielle.


Cut to shots of a shack with huge signs and waving flags. A few of the signs can be easily read: "See the REAL Gab Whacker", "Read Gabrielle's ORIGINAL Scrolls", and "Try Your Luck with the Sais against a LIFE-SIZED Warlord."

Virgil stands proudly in front of his Gabrielle museum, his arms open wide.



My dad started the collection years ago. He always had a thing for Gabrielle. Of course it was me that she took a shining to. (He pauses, as even the cameraman must look dubious.) No, really. Did you hear the story about seducing Lucifer? Gabrielle and I had it going on. OK, I admit she was a little woozy on lust and the cheap ouzo we were drinking. And yes, the minute she laid eyes on Xena in her dominatrix gear we were pretty much over. But while it lasted, we were definitely hot for each other. (He looks earnestly at the camera, realizes he still isn't believed, and decides to change the subject.)

Anyway, I'll show you the BGSB. (He turns and the camera follows him into the museum.)


Cut to the interior of the museum. It is chock full of Gabrielle memorabilia. Mannequins with blonde wigs display bad imitations of all of Gabrielle's outfits. Gabrielle's horse, which is stuffed and already a bit moth-eaten, stands in one corner. Another corner has an area roped off where guests can use rubber sais to fight an animatronic warlord. The warlord can be heard saying "He he he, come and get me blondie" over and over. The Gab Whacker rests in a glass case on one wall. Another wall is covered in shelves which contain dozens of dusty scrolls. Virgil walks to a curtained alcove. He dramatically pulls back the curtain to reveal…


The wall behind the shelf is open to the outside, the planks ripped away to make a hole.



The BGSB! It's GONE!!


Virgil looks horrified.

Cut to the empty shelf, where a tiny strip of bilious green material still remains.



And so the BGSB remains a mystery. Where is it now? Will we ever see it again. Or has the BGSB disappeared into the mists of time.

Join us next week when "In Search Of…" explores a mysterious creature that many say lives in the backwoods of Greece.


Cut to a man sitting in front of a shack, chewing on a stalk of grass. Pigs and children (indistinguishable from each other) run in and out of the house behind him and his wife sits behind him drinking from a jug. She belches loudly.


Ancient Greek Redneck:

I ain't never laid eyes on nothin' like if afore. It was big and hairy like an animal, but it walked on two legs like a man. It saw me and went high-tailin' it up into the woods over yonder. I took my bow and my best huntin' dawg with me, but I couldn't find it. I did find some footprints, though. And this thing had the biggest feet I ever did see. A course, that ain't the weirdest thang about the creature, though. The weirdest thang was that even though I knew it weren't no human, it looked like it was wearin' some sorta green bra.



Join us next week when we go in search of…The Creature with the Big Feet and Strange Fashion Sense.


Cut to really bad film of a large hairy creature running through a dry creek bed. The creature is far away and the film jitters and shakes, but it's just possible to see that the creature is wearing a bilious green sports bra.

Fade out.

Roll Credits.

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