PLEASE NOTE: This script has been formatted for optimum viewing at a screen setting of 800x600.



by Joanna

1998 Jul 29



Gabrielle, wearing a frilly apron, sits in front of a burned roast, candles are low, she's been waiting a long time. Xena enters, worn out, with spatters of blood on her.

XENA Hi honey, I'm home. GABRIELLE Dinner is ruined. XENA Oh. That's okay, I had some berries on the path. GABRIELLE Oh sure. You get to eat path berries. Me? I get congealed, burned roast. But don't worry! It only took me four hours over a hot fire. XENA I'm sorry, but it couldn't be helped. The battle ran long. GABRIELLE What -- you too busy to send a messenger? This never happened when you were a hero. XENA Look, we've been through this a thousand times! I only took the warlord job as a short term stop gap. Hero stuff was thin. You were there. We agreed. A little warlording and then right back to the heroics. GABRIELLE (sighing) You're right. I'm sorry. So... bad day at the hostile takeover? XENA The looting was okay, but the pillaging sucked. Oh, I saw Herc and Iolaus. They're farming now. GABRIELLE You are kidding! XENA (eagerly) Really! Swear! Dirt under their fingernails and crowing about their stupid barley crop. It was pathetic. GABRIELLE Well, at least you never had to farm. XENA (sadly) No... I just take the villages. Kill them all. (sighs) When did everything change? GABRIELLE I don't know... I mean, everything was fine when we got married...

Xena suddenly turns away.

GABRIELLE (cont'd) Speaking of which... do you know what day this is? XENA (stalling) Of course! It's our anniversary! Gimme a second -- I left your, uh, present in Argo's saddlebag. GABRIELLE You forgot! XENA Did not! GABRIELLE Did so! You forgot! I can see it in your eyes! XENA No, no, it's just bright in here, that's all. GABRIELLE Bright?!? The candles are nubs! And why are they nubs? Because we can't afford good candles! And why can't we afford them? Because you refuse to kill the women and children, that's why! XENA You told me not to kill the women and children! GABRIELLE Oh sure, when we were riding high on the boar. But things are tough all over and that means you have to get tough, Warrior Wimp!

Xena turns toward the door.

XENA I don't have to listen to this. GABRIELLE Don't you turn your back on me!

Xena reluctantly stops.

XENA (pathetic) What do you want from me? I just don't understand you anymore. GABRIELLE I want us to talk. XENA All we do is talk! Women! GABRIELLE Don't you 'women' me, Butchy! You are going to sit down right here, right now and we are going to talk through every little detail of our relationship.

Groaning, Xena slumps into the chair.

XENA (sullenly) May I take my sword off or would you find that 'threatening'. GABRIELLE That was one time and we worked through that winters ago! Take your bloody sword off-- XENA Watch your language-- GABRIELLE Bloody! In the sense that it is covered in blood! You are soooo sensitive. XENA (softly) Listen to us. What happened to that loving couple who wandered the known world, fighting for the greater good? GABRIELLE I don't know...

Both women sigh, their eyes distant as they are lost in thought.

XENA Remember the time when Gareth was going to crush Laurel? GABRIELLE (laughs) Oh yeah! And I kept insisting on finding mirrors, but you invented the flying parchment instead. XENA You used to trust me. GABRIELLE As I recall, I didn't think that one would work. (beat) But it did. XENA Not everything I do is bad. GABRIELLE No, of course not. Is that how I make you feel? XENA Sometimes. (beat, then heartfelt) Oh, Gabrielle -- I hate being a warlord! The hours are long, the grog is lame, and the pillaging really sucks. I mean, they're just a bunch of farmers! What do they have worth stealing? GABRIELLE Then quit. XENA You know we can't afford that. GABRIELLE We'll work it out somehow. After all, with the recent lack of hero work, all the heroes have given up, right? And a bunch have turned to warlording again, like you, right? So now there are lots of warlords and no heroes! There's a need, Xena, a need for who you used to be! XENA Ya think? GABRIELLE I do! I do! It could work. We'll sell the cottage -- it's a seller's market. And we'll go back on the road. XENA What about the kids? GABRIELLE We'll sell them too! XENA Yeah! People always need goats! GABRIELLE Then its decided. XENA It is!

Xena hugs Gabrielle and immediately both women realize that they are in each others' arms and everything feels better.

GABRIELLE Did you really forget our anniversary? XENA No. I was just angry that you thought I would, so I pretended.

Xena pulls a small wrapped package from her cleavage. Gabrielle eagerly opens it and finds tickets to Aristophanes' new play, in Athens.

GABRIELLE Oh... Xena! I... I wanted to go so badly! XENA I know. I overheard you talking to Ephiny. GABRIELLE But that was... that was months ago! XENA I sent away for them that afternoon. GABRIELLE (crying) You are so thoughtful...

Gabrielle kisses Xena. Then breaks it off and runs into the other room.

XENA Gabrielle...?

Gabrielle returns dragging a very heavy package. Xena opens it, and sees a huge hammerlike thing.

GABRIELLE It's a scull crusher. XENA Oh gods... Only the biggest, baddest, most fearsome beasts have one of these! (tears forming) This is just the sweetest thing you've ever given me! GABRIELLE I was hoping you'd like it. Should cut the killing time by half. One blow and kablooey -- brains everywhere. No second or third whacks needed, guaranteed! XENA I... I don't know what to say... GABRIELLE This is the best anniversary ever. XENA It is. I love you, Gabrielle. GABRIELLE I love you, Xena.

And as they embrace, we: