You’ve Got Scrolls
By
Important Notices:
This is a work of fiction in the genre of parody. Parody means: 1) a pair of d’s; 2) a literary or musical work in which the style of an author or work is closely imitated for comic effect or in ridicule; 3) a feeble or ridiculous imitation. Personally, we’re shooting for number two.
This means several things: 1) We’re trying to be funny. 2) The object of our lampooning is on-line life: mailing lists, fan fiction, situations, and personalities. 3) Big note: We are not going to be politically correct or especially gentle in this story. If you take yourself too seriously, don’t read this. If you still read this and don’t like it, don’t write us about it. It’s all in the name of humor.
In this little story, we presuppose that a certain warrior and bard, whose copyright is owned by TPTB, are lovers. There is nothing explicit in this story (sorry), but it is maintext.
Though this story was inspired by certain actual incidents, it is a work of fiction. All of the characters, whether central or peripheral, are wholly the product of the authors’ imaginations, as are their actions, motivations, thoughts and conversations, and neither the characters, nor the situations which were invented for them, are intended to depict real people or real events.
**We’d also like to acknowledge our beta reader’s hard work and contribution. Maggie, you’re the best. Thank you.**
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
"Another four days, Gabrielle," the warrior said without missing a beat as she sharpened her sword. "Then we’ll be in Athens."
"It’ll be nice to sleep in a bed and see everyone again."
"You’d better not be planning on seeing anyone in bed but me." On this note, the warrior did pause in her weapon’s care, to steal a glance at the bard.
"Of course not, Xena! I’m not suicidal."
"Good. Because I tend to get homicidal." She checked the edge of her blade by plucking a hair from her head and letting it fall across the sharpened edge. She sniffed, as a satisfied smirk broke across her lips. "Constables hate that sorta thing. Messes with the time they get to spend at the local souvlaki shop."
"Yes, love, I know." Xena and Gabrielle exchanged smiles, enjoying the banter.
"Are you going to drag me to the latest Academy Productions?" the warrior asked, anticipating the rise she would get out of her companion.
She was not disappointed as Gabrielle hmpfed and set aside their evening dishes. "It’s good for you to go to them. They uplift the soul, affirm our humanity…"
Xena held up a hand, but her eyes twinkled. "Fine, fine. I’ll go and be uplifted and affirmed. But," she leered, "I like it when it certain parts of you are lifted and firm far better."
Gabrielle moved from her spot by the fire to kneel between the warrior’s long legs. She quirked a brow in silent request for the sword to be moved. "I’d hate to injure anything important."
"I’d love to kiss it and make it better," Xena whispered, moving the sword and allowing it to gently brush over the bard’s left breast.
The blonde looked down at her blouse. It had received a minor nick, but her flesh remained unharmed. "You owe my shirt a kiss."
"To Tartarus with the shirt." Xena dropped her head to the spot in question, allowing her tongue to find its way past the small nick in the fabric to the skin behind it.
Gabrielle could tell what kind of evening it was going to be. She smiled, wrapped her hands in long dark hair, and let her head fall back to enjoy the start of what promised to be a wild ride. She released a satisfied groan when she felt her right breast being massaged. Then she chuckled when she heard a mumble. She moved her hands to allow Xena’s head the freedom to move where it liked.
"Air," the warrior croaked, taking a deep breath.
The bard laughed again.
The warrior growled. "Think that’s funny, do ya?"
"I find a certain amount of humor in it, yes." She nodded.
"Then you should find this completely hysterical." Xena picked her up, moving them both swiftly to the bedrolls that had already been prepared. With the help of her breast dagger the laces of the bard’s green top, like Xena’s warlord days, became a thing of the past.
"Hey, I have to wear this in the morning!" Gabrielle protested, even as she squirmed out of the shirt.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah." The warrior leaned into the bard, pressing them to the bedrolls. "I have spare ties in my saddlebags."
"That’s what you said last time, too." Ties. Gabrielle’s mind began to drift as her bardic imagination kicked into high gear. "Xe... about those ties," she craned her neck, placing a light kiss on her partner’s collarbone, "there’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you...."
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
The next day found Xena, Gabrielle and Argo headed down the main road toward Athens. They were playing ‘Twenty Questions’, as usual. Argo snorted, ruffling the bard’s hair. "Don’t try to distract me," Gabrielle chided the warhorse.
"Look alert," Xena called down, as she saw a Hermes Scroll Delivery Service rider ("When You Absolutely, Positively Must Have It There This Season") thundering down the road in their direction.
Gabrielle stepped around Argo, giving the young rider more than enough room to pass, but instead of doing so, he reined his pony to a stop. He grew a bit pale as Xena drew her sword. "Uh…" His eyes shifted to the friendly looking blonde. "Are you Gabrielle of Podunk, the bard?"
The bard blew an exasperated breath. Why couldn’t she have been born in Athens or Corinth? And why didn’t anyone ever screw up Amphipolis when they addressed Xena? Could it be the big ass sword and the chakram? I need a better weapon than a stick, the bard thought briefly before answering. "Poteidaia. And, yes, I am."
"You’ve got scrolls," he said tonelessly, for the millionth time. Zeus, this job sucked! The young man carefully extended a scroll to her, mindful of the sword in cross proximity to him.
"Thanks." She took the rolled up parchment and broke through the seal. "Tip him, Xena."
The warrior leaned back in her saddle and sheathed her sword. A tip? Okay. She leaned forward and whispered conspiratorially, "Never let an Amazon tie you up, no matter what she promises."
This earned Xena a confused look from the lad and a swat from her Amazon Queen. "Uh, thanks…" The messenger quickly spurred his horse into a gallop, glad to be away from the intimidating woman. Though he was upset to have his secret fantasy so cruelly dashed.
Xena peered over Gabrielle’s shoulder before the bard stepped away. "Who’s it from?"
"A friend of mine, Homerita; another bard I met when we were in Corinth last winter."
"Everything okay?"
"Yeah." She read the scroll once more. Interesting. Homerita was inviting her to be a part of a secret bard scroll list, the Lesbos Literary Society. She had always heard rumors that such a group existed, but had never really believed it was true.
Apparently, it was a group of bards not affiliated with the Athens Academy of Performing Bards. The Lesbos Literary Society shared story ideas and information about upcoming literary festivals. To be a member was a big honor, Homerita said. To join, all Gabrielle had to do was send a scroll to the Scroll Moderator and affirm that she was of age, of the female persuasion, and Amazon or Amazon-friendly.
When they arrived at the next Hermes Scroll Delivery Service station, she would send her reply. It sounded like fun. And she was always glad to get feedback on her writing.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
By the end of the next day, Gabrielle had written her reply and sent it off with the messenger they found at the station. "I liked their old slogan better," Gabrielle remarked.
Xena snickered. "I kinda like ‘Our competition claimed not even Hera could stop them – they’re all dead now.’ It has a certain ring to it."
Gabrielle rolled her eyes. Ex-warlords, they’re all alike. "Would you mind if we stopped early tonight, Xena? I want to do some writing." Once she was accepted to the Lesbos Literary Society, she was going to submit the special story she had been working on for Ephiny.
"Sure, love. Anything you want."
"Ooo, I like the sound of that."
"Not half as much as I do."
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
"Why must every brigand start a fight with us?" Gabrielle sighed as she sat down on her bedroll. That day alone they had been in three fights, rebuilt a bridge for a river-swept village and delivered a litter of baby pigs.
"I guess we’re just lucky." Xena started her nightly ritual of cleaning and sharpening her sword. "What story are you working on now?"
"The one I wrote for Ephiny. It’s about an Amazon princess and her love for the leader of the Centaurs."
"Ooo, sounds kinky." The warrior waggled her eyebrows. "Will you read it to me?"
"Behave," Gabrielle chided, then blushed. "Sure. For bedtime."
Thundering hooves approached their campsite, instantly bringing Xena to her feet. She relaxed slightly when she saw it was another HSDS rider. "It’s for you, Gabrielle."
Gabrielle walked over to receive her scroll. This was exciting! She loved getting mail. "Hi!"
"You Gabrielle?" the messenger asked, grumpily.
Fair eyebrows drew together. Something was wrong. "I am."
"You’ve got scrolls," he announced, throwing a large sack of scrolls to the ground. The horse breathed a sigh of relief with the removal of the large pack.
"What in the Hades is that?" Xena queried. She gave Argo a reassuring look. There was no way her warhorse was going to have to lug that load around.
The rider shrugged, wondering what part of ‘You’ve got scrolls’ was too complicated for the warrior. He decided it must be the fact that it had three words in it and went for something a little easier. "Her mail." He turned the horse around and fled as quickly as he could, fearful Gabrielle might try to send some mail back with him. The fact that the warrior was advancing on him with a sneer on her face, and a sword in her hand, helped the decision making process along too.
"Gabrielle." Xena stretched out the bard’s name as she turned from the sight of the fleeing rider. Normally, she did that under better circumstances, but she really wanted her companion’s attention now. "Explain, please."
Gabrielle swallowed. She couldn’t tell Xena about the secret society. She had already signed her oath. In blood. In triplicate. With witnesses. So she thought quickly. "I joined the Scroll of the Month Club. You’ve heard of it – ten scrolls for a dinar, then a scroll a month. You can read the scroll, keep it and pay, or return it."
"Looks like a lot of reading there."
The bard sighed. "It sure does." She dragged the bag over to her bedroll. So much for writing tonight. It would take her candlemarks to read through all of these.
Xena sighed. There went her bedtime story. Damn scroll club.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
The next morning the warrior awoke to the sound of furious hoof beats. Xena sprang to her feet, her chakram in hand, as Gabrielle continued to snore loudly, oblivious to the intrusion.
A winded rider pulled his steed to a stop at their camp.
Scowling, Xena tossed her chakram back on their bedroll. "Let me guess," she said drolly. "Gabrielle’s got scrolls."
The rider simply nodded. He was glad for any excuse not to have to repeat the slogan.
"Wake up, bard." Xena kicked the edge of the bedroll.
Nothing.
"Gabrielle!"
A blonde head poked out from under the fur. "I was not reading Dad’s ‘Amazon Rider’ magazine, Mom! I swear... Huh?" Confused eyes opened slowly. "Xena?"
"You were expecting Ms. Summer Solstice?"
Gabrielle smiled sweetly. Her attention was drawn to the rider when an enormous bag of scrolls was unceremoniously dumped off his horse, kicking up a large cloud of dust.
The bard closed her eyes as the rider galloped away. She didn’t have to ask what it was. She already knew.
"Gabrielle, doesn’t the Scroll of the Month Club imply that you’ll receive one scroll a month?"
"Umm... I joined many," the bard looked at the fresh pile of scrolls and cringed, "MANY times."
"Why in Tartarus...? Wait." Xena held up her hand. "I don’t want to know."
"I’m sorry, Xena." Gabrielle bit her lip. She wanted to tell Xena. She really did. But she’d promised! "There must be a problem with my subscription. I’ll write them and get it cleared up in no time. Meet you in the stream for a bath? Please?" C’mon, don’t really be mad, Xe.
Xena nodded, eyeing her partner suspiciously as Gabrielle disappeared in the direction of the stream.
The warrior bent down and picked up the top scroll from the pile Gabrielle’s had been reading the night before. previous night’s reading pile. I know she got through more than the first one. Tucking the scroll into her leathers, she stalked off toward the bushes, mumbling something about ‘creative types’ and Argo never forgiving her.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
"Umm... this is really good, Gabrielle." Xena licked her lips, scraping the last bite from her bowl. They had made good time the last two days and would arrive in Athens ahead of schedule.
"Thanks," the bard answered absently as she snapped the seal on yet another scroll. "I got the recipe from your mom last month."
Xena grunted her approval and served herself a second helping of supper. The campsite went deathly silent except for the occasional crackle of the fire. She regarded her reading partner carefully. After only a few days with Gabrielle in that damned scroll club, the warrior was already starting to miss her companion’s voice. Gabrielle didn’t have time to chatter aimlessly about fireflies and moonlit nights. Or even her dreams.
All she had time to do was read.
Xena grinned affectionately, admiring how the firelight danced over her lover’s face... but even in the shadows, she could see that Gabrielle was nervous about something. She’d gently tried to prod the younger woman into talking all day. That was something she would have sworn she’d never have to do. But, for some reason, Gabrielle seemed determined to deal with whatever it was alone.
Gabrielle held the latest scroll carefully in her hands; she was almost afraid to look at it. The scrolls had been getting nastier and nastier over the past several days. Was it possible for all the society members to be cycling at once? She couldn’t see how.
Anxious fingers unrolled the parchment. She’d submitted her own scroll chronicling Ephiny and Phantes’ romance and ultimate union, hoping for some quality feedback. For, while she loved Xena with all her heart, the warrior usually restricted her comments to ‘great’, ‘funny’, or ‘I don’t get it’. And if she wanted to really improve as a bard, she needed people to be honest enough to point out her faults. But now that the time had come... she swallowed. Was she ready?
She scanned the first line of the scroll and saw, printed neatly in the subject space, Ephiny & Phantes: A Love Story. Gabrielle gasped and rolled the scroll closed.
"What is it?" Xena asked worriedly, setting aside her bowl.
"Xena, would you mind checking the perimeter one more time?" I’m going to Tartarus for sure! But I don’t know if I can hide my reaction around her when it’s actually my story they’re talking about.
"Why?"
"I heard a noise."
Xena picked up her sword, running her thumb across the razor sharp blade. "Really?" Blue eyes narrowed dangerously as she quietly rose to her feet. "Where?"
Gabrielle pointed away from the campsite. "There. It would make me feel so much better if you’d check things out. Do you want me to come with you?" the blonde asked needlessly.
"Nah. You stay here and read. I’ll take care of whatever it is."
"Thank you, Xena," Gabrielle said weakly, already feeling the crushing weight of guilt. "I love you."
Xena smiled. "And I love you." She looked out into the darkness. "Be right back."
The bard exhaled wearily as her partner disappeared into the woods. Steeling her nerves, she unrolled the scroll, which read:
What kind of Cyclops crap does Gabrielle of Potato Salad think she’s selling?
It’s Poteidaia, you imbecile. Gabrielle glanced at the top, looking for the sender’s name. It was from Vulture. Gods, her scrolls were always annoying! Gabrielle kept reading.
Those people who insist on engaging in bi-species relationships make me sick! They’re just fooling themselves into believing they don’t really prefer Amazons! Which they obviously do.
Green eyes widened. What? Hades!
It’s disgusting and immoral! They live their little lives
passing for normal, so they don’t have to put up with the discrimination that comes with loving an Amazon, and yet, when it comes time to reap the rewards of an Amazon lifestyle (boar roasts, flogging of trespassers in the square, the occasional public castration) they’re the first ones in line!
The bard’s insipid ‘love story’ sickened me, as do all lovers of Centaurs. There is no such thing as a bi-specist. You’re either an Amazon or you aren’t. This trying to have it both ways is a load of Centaur crap. Plus, the ‘bard’ misspelled three words, and her editor should be burned at the stake.
Gabrielle and her pony loving friends can all go straight
to...
The scroll suddenly ignited in a burst of flames. "Ouch!" Gabrielle instantly let go of the smoldering parchment. "I don’t believe this!" she muttered unhappily. "I’ve been flamed."
She reached into her bag. She read several more scrolls, some espousing Vulture’s views, others the complete opposite. Several society members proudly proclaimed their bi-specist status, only to be crucified... okay, that only happened once... literally. That camel relationship was more than even the most liberal folks could go for.
Scroll after scroll ignited, until Gabrielle’s fingers were stained with soot and the parchments were nothing but a pile of ashes.
Xena came crashing out of the bushes to find her partner standing over a smoldering heap of, well, the warrior wasn’t quite sure what. The intensity of the flames had destroyed the parchments beyond recognition. "Who’s shooting fireballs at us?" she exclaimed. She’d seen the flames through the trees and made it back to the camp in record time.
"No one, Xena."
"But?" she gestured vaguely to the pile of ashes at Gabrielle’s feet.
"That was me. I wasn’t too fond of some of my new scrolls so I..."
"Got them to spontaneously combust?"
"Something like that."
The warrior wasn’t buying it for a moment. Gabrielle’s guilty face was doing a wonderful job of contradicting the bard’s lips. She sighed. Serves me right for falling in love with someone who... Her thoughts trailed off when she saw tears begin to fill soft, green eyes.
"Gabrielle, could you, by any chance, be needing a hug?"
The bard nodded, and Xena stepped forward, enfolding her in strong arms, noting, as she always did, how their bodies and hearts fit perfectly together.
"Thanks, Xe." She sniffed. "I’m sorry. I’m getting your leathers all wet."
"You know I don’t care about that." Xena’s arms tightened around her partner.
"Can we go to bed now?" Gabrielle exhaled wearily. "I’m really tired."
"Sure." Xena looked at the pile of ashes in relief. Good. There were no more scrolls.
Maybe now their lives could get back to normal.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Gabrielle sighed, snuggling closer to Xena. It was so nice to be in a real bed, under real blankets, with real pillows. Basically, it was just REAL good and the bard was REAL happy.
The only thing that might make me happier, she considered as she rolled over to look at Xena’s slumbering form, is still sound asleep. Maybe they shouldn’t have played that game of warlord and peasant girl last night. That one always wore Xena out and drained her for days afterwards. But the warrior looked so darn good in the peasant blouse, and Gabrielle loved playing with Xena’s whip, even if the armor tended to pinch.
The bard considered going down to fetch the morning meal for her lover, but getting out of bed could be tricky. Xena always seemed to sense when she was about to get up, and she never failed to roll over and trap the bard. It wasn’t that Gabrielle couldn’t get up before Xena, it was that Xena generally wouldn’t let her. Now, in a deliberate effort to get the warrior to trap her in the bed, she made the furtive movement.
Bingo! Right on cue. Xena rolled over. Wrapping her arm around Gabrielle’s waist, she pulled her close. Oh, yeah, one happy bard. Figuring these warlord types out isn’t so hard. They like to think they are in control. All you have to do is let them think that.
The pounding on the door of their room brought Xena out of her deep sleep. "What in Tartarus? Don’t they know that people – namely me – are trying to sleep?" She grabbed a dagger from the table and made her way to the door.
Gabrielle scrambled out of bed, wrapping a blanket around her body. She grabbed Xena and kissed her quite soundly. She knew it was the only thing that would stop her naked, raging lover from killing whoever was at the door. She had learned this lesson the hard way two seasons ago, but that was another story. When she broke the kiss, she stroked Xena’s cheek with the palm of one hand and gently eased the dagger out of Xena’s hand with the other. "It’s okay, sweetheart. You go back to bed. I was awake anyhow. I’ll get the door."
Xena nodded, sleep still registering on her face, and turned back to the bed. She threw herself back onto it, effectively breaking the fourth post, and sending it thumping to the floor. It never even registered with Xena, who was already back to sleep.
"We’re gonna have to pay for that," the bard mumbled. They needed to learn to be more careful with the furniture. She went over to the warrior and pulled the sheet over her naked form. Then, tightening the blanket around her own shoulders, she opened the door.
The HSDS rider glared at her. She swallowed hard, wishing now she had let Xena answer the door.
"Guess what?" he growled.
"I’ve got scrolls?" the bard asked meekly.
"Oh yeah," he answered, with a combination nod/shake of his head that made him look like some kind of psychopath straight out of a horror play by Raimius. "Move back, little girl," he growled once again. Then he began bringing in crates.
"Wait a moment!" Gabrielle placed a hand on the man’s arm, only to have him snap at her like a wild animal. She jumped back, allowing him to deliver seven crates into the room.
He put the last crate in place, then turned on the bard. "We had three more, but for some reason they caught fire and burned my damned wagon to the ground! It was all I could do to save these and my horse."
The bard cringed. ‘Thank you’ didn’t seem like it was enough under these circumstances. She turned to get a few dinars from Xena’s pouch on the bedside table.
The warrior reached out, grabbing the bard’s wrist. "What are you doing?"
"I’m gonna tip this poor guy."
Xena sat up in bed, the sheet pooling around her waist, rubbed her eyes, then leveled her best ‘pissed off warlord’ glare at the driver. "Don’t play leapfrog with a unicorn."
The driver realized: one, no matter how mad he might be, he’d get over it, and, two, he should leave now before the warrior decided to get up. He slammed the door on his way out.
"Xena." The bard tapped her foot. "Are you trying to be funny or are you just really, really cheap?"
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Later, Gabrielle padded back to the bed and tugged the covers back up around Xena’s waist. She placed a soft kiss between bare shoulder blades, wishing her lover pleasant dreams. The sight of Xena’s lanky form sprawled out across the bed, and completely relaxed, drew a wistful smile from the bard. Days on the road were long and hard, and these times were too few and far between. She fought the impulse to crawl back into bed with Xena, feeling a twinge of resentment that she had other things to do.
Gabrielle groaned inwardly, forcing herself to concentrate on the task at hand, which was getting through as many of these scrolls as possible before Xena woke up and had a conniption. Homerita hadn’t mentioned how intense these scrolls could be. The last few had ignited in her hands, leaving her with singed fingertips. Gabrielle opened the next one carefully and read quickly, lest she lose the contents, like she had with so many others.
She sighed deeply and counted to ten. Then twenty. She had to whenever she saw the writer of the scroll was Vulture or one of her cronies. This one was from Magentria.
Subject: Violated! (was Ephiny & Phantes: A Love Story)
I feel so violated! So used! So hurt! So betrayed!
Gabrielle counted to forty. "Get a real life, loser," she mumbled, before reading on.
I innocently opened my scrolls the other day and was forced to read about pony love. It was awful! I feel so unclean! I thought this was a safe place for Amazons!Scroll Moderator, you need to take action against this‘Galloping Gabrielle’ before she sends more of this putrid filth to the list.Also, since we’re on the subject of rules violations, I think we need to bring up a certain unmentioned bard who is too big for her breeches.
You all know who I’m talking about. Don’t make me say her name.
Gabrielle scratched her nose. She sure didn’t have a clue. But she doubted that Magentria really did either. However, Gabrielle was sure the answer lay somewhere in the pile of scrolls that surrounded her.
Her gaze drifted back to Xena, who was still sleeping like a baby and probably would be for some time. Gabrielle smirked for a moment, before picking up the next scroll. Oh boy. It felt a little warm to the touch already. Having learned her lesson, she unrolled it, then placed candleholders on the edges to hold it open.
Green eyes scanned the scroll’s enormous length. The bard rolled her eyes. The idiot writer had copied the previous three scrolls’ subject matter to the bottom of this one! Gods, why did people do that? Couldn’t they use what was between their ears and read the subject line, or at least employ a little snippage? It wasn’t like parchment grew on trees. Well, okay, it did. But that wasn’t the point!
Subject: Rules (was Violated!)
From: Snare Cyclops
I agree with Magentria. This is supposed to be a safe place. I bet this Gabby person hasn’t ever performed once to a sober audience. Her writing smacked of amateurish attempts at plot.
And I’m glad someone finally had the guts to bring up Sappho. It’s not like she’s some goddess … or even a REAL muse.
Sappho is on the list? The Sappho? Gabrielle trembled at the thought that the greatest and most prolific living bard had read her work. Did she like it? Was she moved? Did she feel Ephiny’s birth pangs? Eager to see if Sappho had provided her with feedback, she opened the next scroll.
Subject: Sappho (was Rules, was Violated!)
From: Celene
I think everyone needs to calm down. Sappho has only had two guest lectures at the Academy of the Performing Bards. I don’t think that constitutes a violation of our rule against society members being affiliated with the Academy. How can she be one of THEM? She’s clearly one of US. Besides, shouldn’t we all be proud of her accomplishment, instead of being jealous? She did get into the Academy by receiving a high recommendation from her readers.
This is one of our own being recognized. For so long we’ve wished we had someone in the Academy. Now that we have a foot in the door, let’s not slam the door on it.
Gabrielle tossed the scroll onto the pile at her feet – the one she’d recycle later.
They weren’t all flames. But those redundant ‘stop the madness’ scrolls got annoying, too!
The bard stopped to consider that. Oh Gods! I’m becoming one of these Bacchae! Wait, Gabrielle. These are some of the greatest bards in all of Greece. They can’t really be soul-devouring Bacchae, can they? It must just seem that way. Some Society bards were known for their ability to reduce a grown man to tears with their inspiring prose. Even Xena would be moved if she would stay awake for an entire performance!
Gabrielle’s gaze dropped to the next scroll.
Subject: Sappho (was Rules, was Violated!)
From: Vulture
Jealous of Sappho and her cult? I think not! Punctuation?? Ever heard of it? I wanna know exactly why I would be jealous of someone who couldn’t write her way out of...
Poof! The scroll disintegrated. Pale brows lifted. Gabrielle had to admit she was impressed. This one hadn’t even burst into flames. It skipped directly over that step, immediately turning to ash.
As did twenty-seven of the next thirty scrolls.
And that’s when it hit her. BY THE GODS! She had thought it was only a myth, something only whispered by creative minds in the halls of the Academy, but now she knew better.
Her mind whispered the words it was too shocked to say out loud:
Flame War...
Unable to stand it any longer, Gabrielle pulled a fresh sheet of parchment and a quill from her saddlebag. The Lesbos Literary Society was not what she thought it would be at all. They probably only needed to be reminded of their original purpose. She was especially confident that they would value the fresh perspective of a new member. She chewed the quill’s tip for a moment. Taking a deep breath, she began pouring her heart out.
From the bed, Xena surreptitiously watched as her companion wrote. It was clear by the determined glint in the bard’s eye that she was on a mission. But somehow Xena could detect faint sadness in those determined, green eyes. Something was wrong.
And she was going to find out what it was.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
An HSDS rider pulled up alongside the warrior and bard, who hadn’t even bothered to slow their stride to the market as she approached. As Xena had put it so succinctly the night before, stopping for every deliverer would cause nothing but trouble.
The delivery woman panted, "You’ve…"
"Got," Xena supplied.
"Scrolls," Gabrielle finished glumly as they turned a corner.
"Well," the woman reached into her bag, "actually, you’ve only got one scroll. But we always have to say the slogan. Whether it fits or not."
"Heartless marketing bastards!"
The rider could only nod at the warrior’s obvious wisdom and business savvy.
Gabrielle brightened. "Really? Only ONE scroll!" This was more like it.
"Really," the rider confirmed.
Gabrielle took the parchment carefully, breathing a huge sigh of relief when her sore fingertips grazed the scroll. The parchment wasn’t even warm!
The rider looked to Xena. "Well," she demanded, extending her hand for a tip.
Twin eyebrows shot skyward.
"If a man tells you that you can’t get pregnant by boinking on horseback,
he’s full of sh…"
"Xena!"
The rider’s eyes widened, then turned to slits. "Why, that no-good, lying..."
"Uh huh," the warrior agreed smugly, chuckling as the rider drew her dagger and rode off in the direction of her former beau’s farm.
Gabrielle shook her head. And folks thought Poteidaian’s were naive.
"I’m going to stretch Argo’s legs. Be back in a minute?" Xena said, mounting the warhorse.
"Sure." Gabrielle laughed, seeing through her partner’s attempt to get out of shopping for supplies. The bard took advantage of these few moments of privacy to read her newest scroll.
To: Gabrielle of Putrid Skeeter
From: Scroll Moderator
Subject: Warning
Please refer to your rules scroll for special posting rules.
Also, your membership confirmation needs to take place in the next quarter moon. Please confirm you will be in Athens at the below listed date, location, and time, so we can have a list verifier meet with you.
Because she sponsored your membership, Homerita, along with an impartial list member, will act as a verifier.
Huh? Rules scroll? Posting rules? List verifier? I think I’m missing something here. She scanned down to the date. That’s tonight! Zeus! Gabrielle slapped her forehead.
What in Hades was she going to tell Xena?