Scene opens at the household of X and G. X is terribly pregnant, lying on her bed, face flushed, with a physician by the bedside, cold compress on her forehead. The bard is nibbling her lower lip and worrying the cuticles on fingers to frayed ends.
The physician sighs dramatically as he checks X's blood pressure and temperature. Tsking to himself, he begins to put his instruments back into his little black bag. Xena shoots a worried look at her spouse.
X: You can tell me, doc. What is it? Is the baby...
P: No, no...the baby is fine...for now.
G: Whatcha mean 'for now'?
P: Well, I think maybe Xena has been too physical lately. Any little thing
seems to set her off. It's not good for you or the child. <pauses pointedly>
She's not a young woman anymore, after all.
X: <sputter> Why you...
P: See? Look at your face? All red and sweating. You'll have to take it
easy or there could be serious complications, my dear.
X: <fanning herself> Serious? <she squeaked> Consequences? Like...what?
P: Well, one never knows. You could have the baby too early or there might
be some damage to the child. There have been some children...
<bang, bang!>
J: Hey, Xena! Gabrielle!? I broughcha a pot of my turnip stew! I know
how you guys love the stuff. <trips over his own feet and falls into the
stew> Ouch!! Anybody home?
X: <turning a pasty white> Urp...oh, by the gods...Gabrielle...do you...do
you think...he's one of those kids? Maybe his mother...
G: <arching an eyebrow as Joxer pushes his way into the room> That could
explain so many things.
X: Ack!
G: I'll make sure <addressing the doc> that she takes it easy, doctor. We
don't want...complications.
P: Good, see that you do. Oh, hello. And you are?
J: Hiya, doc. <gives the doc a gooey turnip handshake> I'm a good friend
of the family. Joxer's my name. Say, am I too late for the initial
examination? I could help, ya know? Being that Xena's so big now, she
prolly needs help taking her boots off...Hey Xena, you know you have boots
on, right? I mean, I know you can't see em anymore...but..<grabs Xena by
one boot, attempting to lever her boots off>
X: <smack!...reaching for her sword> Put me down! I oughta...
J: Ooooouuch! Whyja hafta do that? I'm just tryin to help.
G: Don't help. Just...don't help.
P: Tell me, son. Where you dropped on your head when you were a baby? Did
your mother do a full term with you?
J: <scratching chin> Hmmm....I dunno. I remember playing with dust
bunnies alot when I was little. Gee, can a person get a jail term for
having a kid?
P: <muttering>
X: Go! Just...just go, Joxer...
G: Please, Joxer...you're upsetting Xena.
J: Gee, your face is so purple...kinda matches that old banner you have up
on the wall...
X: You keep it up and that banner will see service again, you...
G: Now, now...<pushing Joxer out of the room and slamming the
door>...sweetie? Calm down...relax
X: Relax? RELAX!? Oh my gods, we could end up having a kid like Joxer!
<casting worried look at physician>
P: No, no, no....that would mean oodles of stress and strenuous activity,
not to mention the presence of a certain chemical in the water. Now, if you
had high levels of pressure and stress and were under a constant state of
siege...well, then...
X: <gulping> I....don't feel so good. My stress levels lately have
been...kinda...high lately.
G: Yeah...
P: Well, she has about six weeks to go. It's best that she take it very
easy from now on. No fits of temper, no strenuous activity of any kind...
X: ....er....none? Like what? <narrowing eyes>
G: Define 'strenuous activity'
P: Well, I understand you're a warrior. Well, that has to stop
immediately. And you seem to have a rather volatile temper. Can't do that.
Not good for the baby.
G: So, she has to stay in bed?
X: By myself, without visitors?
P: No no no...you can go for walks, do some shopping...
G: Some swimming? Camping?
X: <smiling winningly> I like camping and swimming
P: Well, I suppose so. As long as it were of short duration
X: Just a couple of laps, that sort of thing?
P: <stroking his beard> Yes...I think that would be alright. Physical
activity is good for both mother and child but you don't want to do anything
to elevate the blood pressure alarmingly.
G: So being cranky isn't a good thing?
X: Hey, I haven't been cranky for years!
G: <arching an eyebrow>
X: Hey, doc? You ever hear any stories about Xena: Warrior Princess
being...cranky?
P: Er...
X: See? <smug look on her face>
G: <sighing with exasperation> Yes, dear.
The physician gives them his bill and leaves. Gabrielle snatches it away
and puts it down the front of her bra.
G: Ah ah ah...nope...might upset you.
X: <Sigh>....and I don't have access to that particular place...since when?
G: Well, it might be too...exciting...your blood pressure...
X: ...will rise if you don't get over here
G: But what about the baby?
X: Oh...l think we can take it nice and slow, take our time...You could
just lie there quietly.
G: Better put the swing and toys away until after the baby, huh? Things
might be a little boring.
X: <wistful look on face> I'm sure we'll find something to keep my
interest. C'mere, you
G: <giggle>
Later on in the village, X and G are taking a leisurely stroll while they
get groceries.
X: My back is killing me
G: Oh, maybe we were too stren...
X: no no...loved every minute of it. I feel pretty good, actually. It's
the walking that's killing me.
G: Oh, wanna sit down for a while?
X: Why? Do I look tired? Am I getting too old?
G: Er...no, I just thought...
X: I'm as strong as an ox, Gabrielle. You know that. Nothing's changed
G: No, dear. Except for the mood swings
X: I'm in full control of my mood swings and I can still handle all sorts
of trouble...you see anyone needing help, Gabrielle? <peering around the
market place> Maybe I could just...
G: You know what the doctor said
X: Oh, that quack. Prolly doesn't know what he's talking about...
G: Well, just the same, no fighting for you...and no jumping!
X: Spoil sport <grumbling> Besides, you can't handle the day to day trials
of beating off the bad guys, Gab. That's my job. I'll let ya have some of
the smaller ones...
G: <sigh> Oh, Xena...I can handle them just fine. You'll see <rubs hands
together gleefully, thinking of all the fun she gets to have with bullies,
braggarts and bandits>
Xena proceeds to go on and on about how the bard is too small in stature,
too inexperienced in the ways of a warrior, that they had an agreement...she
did the fighting and the bard did the talking. Gabrielle rolls her eyes
wondering when her lover would really see her as an equal and then tries to
think of the last time she wrote a poem.
Two men come out of nowhere as Xena checks out the summer squash. Gabrielle
kicks one of them and grabs the squash out of Xena's hand, knocking the next
guy flat with it.
X: <totally oblivious> Hey! I was gonna buy that!
G: Nah, too hard, trust me. Wasn't ripe. <dusts hands off and picks
basket up>
X: Say, what are you doing back there? Can't keep up, huh?
G: I'm fine, Xena...just checking out the wares
X: Well, I'm gonna buy these....hey, shop keeper? How much?
Gabrielle fumbles with her change as Xena proceeds to get into a tiff about
the prices.
X: I won't pay it, ya thief! I'll offer ya....two dinars...for the three
of em.
SK: What do you take me for!? You are the th..
G: Holds up another dinar questioningly
SK: Well...I don't know...they are very good squash this year...very meaty
and filled with vitamins for a growing child
X: Ha...like I need to grow anymore...look, take it or leave it
G: Holds up TWO more dinars
SK: You drive a hard bargain. Sold.
X: <Turns to her lover> Heheh...betcha couldn't have gotten them for that
price
G: No, dear
A man tries to grab the bard around the throat as two more come in from the
side, swords at the ready and aimed at Xena. Dropping back alittle, she
stomps on the one man's foot, elbows the other, and then grabbing his sword,
uses the hilt to knock out the third. Brandishing the sword, Gabrielle
twirls it around, exchanging it from hand to hand, showing off the prowess
she learned with the sais. The guy yelps and leaves in a hurry.
Gabrielle wipes the sweat from her brown, tosses the sword to a shop owner
in exchange for a platter of red filled dumplings and catches up to her
sweetie, who is checking the fish out.
X: Gabrielle? Now, where did...Oh, there you are. You want fish tonight?
Or maybe...say, you look tired, hon. Maybe I wore ya out earlier?
G: <catching breath> yeah...that's it...
X: Heh...<puffing up some> I still got it
G: Yes, my sweet warrior, you still do
X: Aw...say, what's that you have?
G: Oh...just something I thought you'd like.
X: <peers closer> Oh! My favorite! That is so nice of you!
G: Heh...here, let me take that fish for you <pays the fishmonger>
X: you really are awfully sweet to me. I don't know how I deserved getting
such a...<sniff> wonderful...<sniff> caring...
G: Now, now...don't get upset
X: I'm not upset! I'm just...<damned mood swings>...I think I got a cinder
in my eye
G: Yeah, that must be it
X: <sniff>
G: So. you ready to go home?
X: <putting hand to small of back> Yeah, I guess we should. You do look
tired.
G: Tired? Oh! yeah...a bit. Maybe I should lie down.
X: yeah?
G: Yeah. I could use a...nap
X: Heheh...say, that works for me
G: Thought it might. Now see? No stress is helping, huh?
X: Some days are just like that, Gabrielle. Nothing happens. Pretty
boring, huh? Ah well...maybe there'll be some action tomorrow and I can
bang a few heads together...
G: But no jumping.
X: no dear...<smiling>
From: "trish shields" <trish_shields@bc.sympatico.ca>
Subject: Passive Parody
Date: Sun, 2 May 1999 22:28:58 -0700
MIME-Version: 1.0
Content-Type: multipart/alternative;
boundary="----=_NextPart_000_030C_01BE94EB.2ECD8980"
X-Priority: 3
X-MSMail-Priority: Normal
X-Unsent: 1
X-MimeOLE: Produced By Microsoft MimeOLE V5.00.2014.211
X: Well, l'm off to do some major butt kicking...<nice grin on face>
G: Just wait and I'll get my.....um....did Avon come by earlier when I was
out?
X: <shrugs> See ya.
G: But l wanna come, too.
X: <smirks>
G: <smacks Xena across the midsection> Oh, you know what l mean.
X: Heh...yeah, later? <pats the little woman on the bee hind>
G: Hey....HEY! Where you go, I go. And I dunno about later.....<pout>
X: But it's not your way, anymore, babykins...l don't want you getting
hurt. <pinches cheek>
G: <growling under breath> I'm coming with you.
X: And do what? Your Mary Whozzits makeup stuff didn't come
today....whatcha gonna do, talk em to death?
G: Hey, it's Avon....Mary K is clumpy. And I use it as a weapon, not
makeup. And ya, I used to be pretty good with my mouth.
X: <muttering...you used to do a lot of things with yer...staring blankly
off into space> ahem...well, love of my life...you don't now so stay home
and....whatever.
G: That is it....<looking skyward> I'm sorry Eli...but this bites...I
can't do it anymore...l've had it...l tried...gods knows, I really did...but
Salmonius is starting to ask questions...what do l charge...do I apply rouge
to my ni....
X: ....ahem...is there a point to your muttering or is Tataka back in town?
G: Ha Ha. You just want me to lick your face again....<Xena leers>
Later....first, let's kick some butt!
X: Really?? Really, really? Yer not kiddin me, are ya?
G: <bats her eyes>
X: Alright! I'm gonna get some...I'm gonna get some...ahem...l mean, we're
gonna kick ass...we're gonna kick ass...