Ides Parody
As they ascend the staircase to heaven.... X: So...this is the Elysian Fields, huh? G: Nope...don't think so...look at all the neat stuff up here...and
most of it is certainly not Greek. X: Hmmm.....tennis courts, volley ball....say, I don't know
how l know these things... G: I guess when you die, you know everything. X: So, l guess we're really dead, huh? G: Hmmm.... X: So, did you know I just love your eyes? G: Hehe...um....no. There goes that theory. X: And that l think you are just the... Angel....Ahem....none of that up here, ladies....walk this way.. X: I don't think l can walk that way....is that a hump he has? G: Xena! X: Well....! Angel..so, here we have the swimming pool... X: uh huh.. G: Nice...have any hot tubs? X: Heh...and soap? G: <smack> Angel...and the bowling alley X: Hey, that looks familiar...Have any chakrams up here? Angel...<ignoring her> and the library G: Oh, goodie...scrolls! X: Any blank ones? Or ones that have only a bit of writing on
em? Angel...why? X: Oh, just making sure... G: <smack> X: Say, what's this wall here? Angel....oh, nothing X: Spill it, bud. Angel...well... G: C'mon already....people to see, places to go...yadda yadda....c'mon. Angel...<grumpily> Well, it's for the Romans...they like
to think they're the only ones up here. X: Julie's up here!? Gods..ya don't say! G: How come that shmuck is up here! He was responsible... X: Now, now...don't get over rought, dear... G: <grumble> Well, that really hurt ya know...<flexing
hands> I'll be surprised if l can write with these things... X: Maybe just....exercise em a bit....toots. G: <grin> Angel...Ahem....actually, Julie..um, Caesar did make it here
because altho he was led astray, he did do some good things...his work with Cleopatra...saving Ptolemy...creating the senate... X: Ah....so, murder of Krasus, attempted murder of Pompey, Vercinix...and the creation of government as we know it...taxes, the poor,
welfare... Angel...heh....um.....<checking his list, checking it twice> G: Gotcha there... X: <smugly> I think I'll have a lil word with Julie...be
back later....toots. G: I think l hear a hot tub calling my name...<pinch> X: Whooo....baby. Forget old ironsides... Angel...now, ladies....you're supposed to leave all the early
wants and desires at the gates... X: <leering at G> Another theory blown away...Don't you
have some numbers to crunch...with the big guy? Angel...erm.....<blushing at the antics of his new charges> <heard in the background...'angels, Romans, countrymen, lend
me your ears...'> Angel....oh oh...be right back! X: fingers twitching...c'mere you little vixen... G: Gotta catch me first...hehehehe X: I think l'm gonna like it up here...at least for a couple
of months anyway... Later on... J: Angels, Romans, countrymen...lend me your ears... X: Can the heat, Julie...<wringing hair out after hot tub> J: Why, if it isn't the Warrior Princess....you're not...cross
with me...are you? X: Nah...right back atcha....nice grouping, by the way. J: Mmmmm....yes, the senate did leave their mark X: Mark in on it, too? J: Ha. Ha. No, he was busy with Cleo...the slut. X: <smirk> Which one? J: <cough> So....just get here? Where's the irritating
blonde? X: Gab...rie...elle....is still bathing. J: Yes, she was always good at bathing in certain waters.... X: Oh, you are on a roll, huh? So....whatcha up to? Trying to
foment the masses again? J: They don't allow wine up here, Xeeeena X: <smirk> Yet. J: Oh, planning to do a little changing around here, too? X: We don't plan on being here that long. <brushing fingernails
on robe> J: A way out? You've found a way back? X: Heh....let's just say...we weren't on the stick long enough..k? J: I'd argue the point with you if l hadn't been....under the
knife at the time in question.... G: Hey, sweetcheeks...<sidling up to her lover> pinch X: heh....um, not now (<whispering>...snookums...later) G: Well, we have all the time in the world now... X: Nah...l don't think we oughta make ourselves a 'home' here,
babe. G: You know something. Don't you. It's all a dream sequence...l've
fallen for a cult and they've drugged me and it's all a dream! Oh my
gods....!!! X: Take it easy there, bardomine....besides, I haven't seen
any showers.... G: Ohhh....<pheww!>..so....whatzzup? J: She 'thinks' there's a way outta ....this. X: <stroking chin, puckering lips> Mabbe....mabbe not. G: You've got that look on your face again, Xe..... X: <leers at her lover> J: Yikes! That's just the way you looked in that....um....<cough>
(shaking image of nude Xena outta his haid) X: <cocking an eyebrow> Wanna share? J: Gee....l um....think l hear my shrink calling....heheh....bubye. G: Now, whatcha s'pose got into him...? X: Hehe....well...I DO know what's getting into you....c'mere... Angel....<sigh> We may have to send them back...before
they ruin things up here.... An indeterminate amount of time, back on earth... Overcast skies painted with purples, blacks and greys...the
crosses stand bleak against the low forboding horizon. Eli et al have left
the bard and the warrior alone...having healed their gaping wounds...but
alas....still no life signs from Xena.... X: <silence> G: You gotta come back, Xena...don't leave me...! X: <still silence> G: <shaking warrior silly...but still no response> Xe!
<cries piteously> X: <nada> G: <lying down next to the woman....as a good friend would
do...> X: <blue tinge to skin> G: You're so cold, Xena....let me warm you up.... X: <stiff as a board> G: I know...you're just in a really deep sleep, huh? I bet if
I kissed you a little, just as a good friend, of course... X: <whites of eyes showing> G: <kissing cheek> You're skin...is so....<searching
for something nice to say>....unyielding. <deeply in denial> X: <rigormortis sets in> G: <snuggling close> I think it's a center core issue
here, Xena....l guess, like if you were suffering from hypothermia...l could
just strip and...that'll work...yeah. <stripping them both but finding
the warrior a bit heavier than she ever remembered> X: <arms stay at a somewhat awkward angle> G: Ya know...it would help if you kinda....co-operated, Xe....just
a little? J: Um, Gabs? What are you doing? G: Eeeek! Don't ever do that again! Where you spying on me! J: <passing her a robe> Why are you um...all naked and....erm.....l
didn't know you went in for that....stuff....(boy, still waters sure
do run deep...shudder) G: You gotta help me, Joxer....it's Xena...l think she's sick J: sick of living....pushing up daisies...gone to her reward....d.e.a.d. G: What are you saying? J: <strong male like voice, no hint of whine> Come away
with me, Gabrielle...we were meant to be together...forget this...this
phase... G: In yer dreams, pal. <gazing lovingly at her....friend> X: <stiff as a brick> G: I'm not going anywhere...l just realized....l love her....l
really do. J: Yeah, well, you are good friends, and all. G: Who sleep in the same bedroll? J: So, ya got cold G: Had long hot tubs together, playing with 'who's got the soap'? J: you just like to be clean, is all....l love that about you...<sigh...blank look on his puss> G: Get over it. No...l've been denying it forever, Joxer....l.....l....l... J: Now, you sound like Xena... G: I want to BE with Xena....l...l.....l love her! J: You said that. G: I....I......this is hard....l....l'm....in.....love...with...her....<gasp>
I said it...l did...and I mean it...l love Xena..and I want to ....have her
baby....! J: Many skills, huh? Gee...l think it might be hard, her being
dead and all... G: No...she can't be....she can't be after I've discovered how
much l love her....Xena...Xena! <looks into the vacant eyes...the stiff
posture...the cold blue skin...> this is the work of Aiden...gods, I hated
that guy....<bending to tickle the WP's nose> nothing...<sniff> J: Tolja G: Shutup...just...shut up...<sniff> Well, one deep kiss
won't hurt i guess....seeings I won't ever know the joy of our true love...except
in my dreams...(cries bitterly). <Leans in and kisses the woman
very deeply....likes it and tries again....feels a hand on her butt....>Joxer...you wanna drag back a bloody stump?? J: Wha.... G: <feels a tongue in her mouth> Eeek.....umm......mmmmmmmm..... J: Is....is .....she's alive!!! G: <mouth full> go 'way.....buzy.....mmmrph.. X: Gab....rie....elle.....l never knew....you...mmrph.... G: shut up and kiss me again.... Scene fades to black.....Fates stand there grinning...Aphrodite
gives em all high fives...Ares seeths in background.... A: Caesar, you piss ant...! Can't you do anything right!!!! Callisto!!!!!!! Off stage.... RJ: I thought 'we' decided subtext was out? RT: I guess 'you' were wrong RJ: grumble.... Trish From: "trish shields" <trish_shields@bc.sympatico.ca> Subject: Joxer/Xena parody Date: Sun, 2 May 1999 22:25:02 -0700 MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="iso-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit X-Priority: 3 X-MSMail-Priority: Normal X-Unsent: 1 X-MimeOLE: Produced By Microsoft MimeOLE V5.00.2014.211 Oh yeah....Jox can cook....but who wants both ends going constantly? > > X: Hi, Jox...I'm home. Baby asleep? > J: Ahyuk....hey, sweetie....yup, snoring just like me <tries
to kiss Xe but > is elbowed out of the way by a petulent bard> Oh, hi
Gabs. G: Whatever....<sidling up to the warrior> um, Xe? I
think I'm coming under the influence of some swami l met in the square today...l
feel all over funny. X: <arching an eyebrow> What, again? Geez.... J: I cooked yer favorite, Xena...raddish stew....yummy. X: I'm beginning to feel all over funny myself.....<urp> G: Yeah, let's go see if he's using possession or something....I
might not really be me....maybe I'm.....some evil goddess.....<eyes rolling
in their sockets> J: Hey, that's the same look you had the other night when you
stayed for dinner...Xena, you wanna taste my raddish dumpling surprise, doncha? X: <patting her rebellious belly solicitously> Erm.......and
how's Jr? I think I'll go get the baby and we'll go for a walk.....<catching
the bard's eye....gesturing with her chin....escape> J: <whining piteously> But, Xeeennaaa.....<the burbling
mess in the fire pit threatens to escape its confines...cells splitting and
morphing...> X: <throwing herself in front of the bard and baby> That's
it, > Jox....you're a danger to.....civilization as we know it!
Quick, > Gabrielle...to the batca....to the dome of si....um....let
us away! > Joxer is left holding what is left of the iron spoon his
new culinary > experiment was devouring.... > J: Ack! Xena, save me! It's....it's alive!! > G: Oh please...you'd think she had nothing better to do
than run around > saving people that just seem to attract trouble....geez,
Joxer...get a > life.... > X: <giving the bard 'the look'> Uh huh....I've already
got a full time > job, eh Gabrielle.....<bard looks innocently, batting
her eyelashes> Tell > ya what, Jox...you feed that thing what's left of your
helmet, armour and > sword and if that doesn't kill it, feed it left overs. > > Gabrielle helps to strap on the front snuggly to her warrior
and then they > exit, all smiles. > > J: But Xeeeeenaaaaaaaa........l don wanna give up my warrior > ways.....<ouch, stop that...get back!....Back, l tell
you.....(throws his > creation a fork...sees IT sit up and wag a morphing tail....)
Aw, yer just > a cutie, aintcha.... > > As the trio walk quickly away, Xena tries to blot out the
past two years of > her life...and Gabrielle mouths...."I owe ya, Ares...big
time." Laughter is > heard from the God of War and then the night is filled
with a very large > burp.... >