Chapter L

"Lucy?" Xena asked with a marked look at the ceiling above the stage area as she stepped into the convention room. "Something you want to share?"

Lucy tilted her head, noting the ease with which Max and Dom sat in their swing chairs manning the curtains currently hiding the stage. "Nope," she said with a smirk.

Xena returned the smirk and shook her head. "All right. I guess you know what you're doing."

"Giving them the best seats in the house," Lucy snarked.

Xena just chuckled and shook her head again, then followed Gabrielle into the green room where most of the performers were patiently waiting for their arrival. Xena checked her watch and nodded at Gabrielle. "C'mon," Gabrielle invited as she held the door open. "We have seats set to one side of the stage for us. Let's get our seats and then we'll run through our sound checks before we start letting the rest of the women in so we can get this show on the road," causing a titter of nervous laughter to run through the assembled women.

Xena gestured the performers out ahead of her and noticed Abbie sitting quietly in her chair, arms crossed defensively over her chest. Xena motioned Gabrielle to lead the rest to their seats and Xena knelt down next to Abbie. "You all right?"

"I think I'm gonna be sick."

Xena smiled sympathetically. "Been there, done that. Can I get someone for you? Ms Novak, perhaps?" having witnessed Casey's reluctance to leave Abbie alone and Abbie's insistence that she go.

"No... she's actually excited about this - well, as much as she can be without gloating." Brown eyes met blue and Abbie gave Xena a weak smile. "After all... she did try to warn me to keep my big mouth shut." She narrowed her eyes. "Could you let Alex back here? Alex Cabot."

"Um... sure. You wanna call her and let her know to meet me at the door?"

Abbie smiled, already lifting her phone to her ear.

************

"What do you think?" Bornlan asked Kennian as she put the rest of the paperwork into a file and dropped it into her outbox. "We've still got time to get back for that talent show tonight."

Kennian shrugged. "I do not know how welcome we would really be. I am certain a number of people would be happy not to see us again."

"Maybe," Teresa agreed with a shrug of her own. "On the other hand, it might be nice to see some of these women as more than just suspects in a murder investigation. I think we would have enjoyed being part of the conference."

Shana ducked her head in acknowledgement. "I believe we might have made some useful contacts." She paused. "I would like to go."

"You're sure?"

"Yes... but you are paying for dinner."

Bornlan chuckled. "Fair enough. Let's go."

************

"Have I mentioned how wonderful it is to be able to talk again?" Jill asked Claire as they made their way back towards the convention center. Claire rolled her eyes, but gave Jill an indulgent smile.

"Several times, actually. But if you don't shake a leg, we're not gonna get a good seat. And if Lindsay doesn't have a good view of her cousin paying up on her bet, being silent for two days is gonna seem like a cakewalk to what Lindsay will do."

Jill grimaced, but sped her steps appreciably. Then her expression became petulant. "Why do we have to be the ones saving the seats?"

"Because Natalie invited Cindy to meet the friend who saved her life."

"I wouldn't have minded meeting a hero," Jill pouted.

"Jill...."

"All right, all right - let's just get there. With any luck, everyone else is still at dinner and we'll be first in line."

Claire chuckled. "You just keep thinking those good thoughts." And they continued to make their way to the convention hall.

************

"Hey, Gabrielle!" Emma greeted as she entered the large room, turning to shoo her moms away before closing the door soundly and running down the aisle. Despite the disruption, her enthusiasm brought smiles to the faces of everyone present. "I'm sorry I'm late." She rolled her eyes. "Mommy wanted to take pictures."

Gabrielle put an arm around Emma's shoulders and hugged her briefly. "Of course she did, Jellybean. She's your mom. Now c'mon... you need to do a check for Scud so we can get a level on you," leading her up the steps to the microphone. "Do you know what story you're going to tell?" Gabrielle asked, smiling at the eager excitement conveyed in Emma's nod. "Good girl... now, do you want to sit or stand while you tell it?"

Emma frowned and tilted her head to look up at Gabrielle. "What do you do?"

"Well, it depends on the situation, but usually I stand so I can walk around."

"Then I'll stand too," Emma responded with a smile. Gabrielle grinned and nodded.

"All right. Then you need to take this," loosening the mic from its stand and handing it Emma. "Now just start telling your story like you're going to tell it in a little bit."

"But I want it to be a surprise."

Gabrielle blinked. "Um... okay. Just tell me a story then - tell me about your friends at school." Emma smiled and started talking. She never even noticed when Gabrielle took the microphone away and led her from the stage until they were sitting together in the performer's area.

************

"How's everybody doing tonight?" Lucy asked, a huge grin on her face as the cheering and shouts erupted across the room. "Excellent!! Are you ready to have a little fun?" More screams and whistles and she let it go on for another minute before she held up her hand for quiet. "I have to tell you - you ladies are in for a real treat tonight. We've got something for everyone - singing, dancing, magic...." She looked at the list she held that gave her the artists and their acts in order of appearance. "Puppets, a mentalist, a mimic and, of course, storytelling."

Lucy smiled. The energy in the room was electric, and the performers - most of them - were sitting to one side of the stage eagerly awaiting their turn to go on. Only the first act was hidden behind the curtain, waiting for their cue to perform. A motion at the back of the stage drew her attention, and she made her way over to where Xena was standing, leaning down to hear her words.

Liz, sitting next to Olivia, leaned over and whispered, "Where's Alex?" Olivia shook her head and shrugged.

"I dunno. She got a call from Abbie about an hour ago and I haven't seen her since. She promised she'd been here as soon as she could, but.... She's not answering her phone, so I'm stuck here until I can reach her since this is where she'll come looking for me first."

"I hope she gets here soon," Liz stated. "I don't think she's going to want to miss this."

"That's true," Lindsay agreed with a grin. "Especially since Abbie is paying up on her bet."

Cindy mock punched her. "You're enjoying this a little too much."

Lindsay snorted. "Of course I am. She set herself up for this. Besides, I didn't hear Casey complaining." Cindy rolled her eyes and shook her head, turning her attention back to the platform where Lucy was walking back towards center stage.

"Okay - so who's ready to get this show started?" Lucy asked, her smile growing exponentially as the sound in the room grew. "All right then! Give it up and welcome our first act - Abbie and Alex rockin' the Kasbah!"

Alex and Abbie shimmied from behind the curtain, undulating to sensuous music that poured from the speakers. Olivia's mouth dropped open at the sight of Alex belly dancing and Liz reached over and pushed her jaw closed.

"Well... at least we know where Alex went now." Olivia nodded, but her eyes never left the stage. She tugged on the collar she wore though it wasn't tight. It occurred to her to wonder when and how Alex and Abbie had managed to put their act together, and then Olivia decided it didn't matter. She leaned back with a big smile and settled in to enjoy it.

Casey, meanwhile, was sitting with the performers and was watching with an enthralled smile on her face. Like Olivia, she couldn't take her eyes from the stage. She'd known Abbie had been nervous about belly dancing in front of everyone, and she'd been a little upset with Lindsay for putting Abbie into such an uncomfortable position. Now she was trying to find a way to thank Lindsay and convince Abbie to do a private performance later.

Alex and Abbie wiggled and twirled as though they had been dancing together forever and just before they ran out of removable veils, the music ended and the dancing stopped. They stood still, chests heaving as they tried to catch their breaths while applause rang out long and loud. Lucy let it roll around the room for a long moment before she returned to the stage. Alex and Abbie took their cue and stepped from the stage, disappearing backstage before Casey or Olivia could protest. Then the point was moot as Lucy spoke again.

"Holy crap! Is it hot in here or what?" She looked towards the back of the stage. "I have *got* to learn how to do that." She turned to Amy. "Remind me to look for lessons, babe." Amy covered her face to hide her blush but laughed and nodded.

"Good - so our next act also hails from New York...." She paused and turned to look at Xena with a hand on her hip. "You know... seems like half of our conference was from Manhattan." She looked back to the audience then turned back to Xena. "Okay - so if every female law enforcement agent from Manhattan is here, who's working in New York City?" Her question brought cheers from the whole room and Lucy smiled again.

"I'm just saying.... Now please put your hands together for Ms Tracey Kibre."

The applause was polite and Tracey stepped out from the curtain wearing dark pants and a white shirt unbuttoned just enough to reveal the top of her cleavage, waiting for the room to grow quiet. Then she folded her hands together and cleared her throat. "First I would like to say that like Abbie, my big mouth got me into this. So please bear with me. It's been a very long time since I've danced... and even longer since I performed like this." She looked towards the back of the room and nodded to Scud. "Maestro if you please...."

The music for 'Tea For Two' started playing and Tracey started tap dancing slowly across the wooden floor. Without warning, Liz Donnelly stood up and walked over to Lucy, taking her microphone before she stepped to the stage with one hand on her hip. "Tea For Two, Tracey? Really? That was the best that you could do?"

Tracey smirked, the twinkle in her eye barely visible to the woman in front of her. "This from a woman wearing a granny dress," she snarked, motioning to the high-necked, calf-length dress Liz wore. "You think you could do better?"

"Oh honey... you don't even want to play that game with me."

"Sure I do," Tracey replied with an evil grin. Then she looked at the audience. "Whaddya say, ladies? Should we give Liz here a chance to put her money where her mouth is?"

The cheers were loud and Tracey stepped back and gestured for Liz to join her. Liz held out the mic and Gabrielle took it as a matter of course. Then Liz walked onto the platform and took her place center stage. "Maestro...." with a gracious nod of her head.

The music started and soon Liz was tapping to 'Jeepers Creepers'. Tracey let it go one for a long moment, then she signaled to Scud to cut the music. Liz stopped dancing and glared at her.

"Excuse me... I wasn't done."

"Yeah, you really were," Tracey argued. "I don't care how flawless your footwork is, that granny dress is just too distracting for words."

Liz put her hands on her hips. "Oh really? And what do you propose I do?"

Without warning, Tracey yanked at the shoulders of Liz's dress, ripping it from her body and leaving her dressed in a black leotard and tights. She nodded approvingly.

"Better," she stated succinctly.

"Allow me," Liz offered, unexpectedly stripping Tracey of her breakaway pants and tossing them behind the curtain as Tracey tied her shirt into a halter. Then they grinned at one another and in tandem turned towards the soundman in the back of the room and gave him big grins.

"Hit it, Scud!" And as 'Hot Honey Rag' started playing over the sound system, they started dancing together, much to the delight of the audience who had enjoyed their antics. When they were finished, posed together in the backlight, applause once again burst forth. And they hugged one another while laughing, then exited the stage while Lucy claimed the microphone from Gabrielle before taking the stage again.

"All righty then," Lucy said with a chuckle as she resumed her place onstage again. She turned back to Xena and tugged at her collar jokingly. "We are at Disney, aren't we? We don't have PG guidelines to follow or something?"

Xena quirked an eyebrow. "We told our participants no blood, no fire and no lion-taming."

Lucy made a show of looking at her list. "Well, I guess we're safe, then."

Xena smirked. "We've still got a ways to go," motioning Lucy to continue.

"Right...." She cleared her throat. "Well, we've already heard our next performer singing a Disney ballad as she proposed to her girl. So let's hear it for Sam McPherson!"

Sam waited for the curtains to part to admit her to the stage, then walked forward and took the mic from the stand on one side of the stage. She dropped her head bashfully and sighed before raising her eyes to look out into the darkened room.

"Wow... um, okay. So believe it or not, I normally don't sing in public. I mean until the other night, the last song I sang publicly was an STD warning song in eleventh grade." Laughter greeted her announcement and she smiled and tucked a lock of dark hair behind her ear as her eyes focused on the ground again. "Yeah," scratching her head. "We had a science teacher that was just...." She shuddered dramatically, then glanced up with a grin. "I did pass," she added with a chuckle, causing an impromptu round of applause.

"So I was thinking... trying to decide what to sing. I mean, after the other night and all - you've already heard me do a ballad. I realize that most of you probably don't know who the Animaniacs are, but I hope you'll enjoy the song anyway." Sam composed herself, allowing her expression to become serious, then nodded her head for Scud to start the music.

After very little introduction, Sam started singing 'Yakko's Universe'. Brooke covered her eyes and shook her head the minute she recognized the song. Lucy and Amy exchanged grins and Helena chuckled to herself, mindful of the camera she was operating. The rest waited politely, as Sam had been correct in suggesting that most of them were unfamiliar with the song she'd chosen.

Everybody lives on a street in a city
Or a village or a town for what it's worth.
And they're all inside a country which is part of a continent
That sits upon a planet known as Earth.
And the Earth is a ball full of oceans and some mountains
Which is out there spinning silently in space.
And living on that Earth are the plants and the animals
And also the entire human race.

It's a great big universe
And we're all really puny
We're just tiny little specks
About the size of Mickey Rooney.
It's big and black and inky
And we are small and dinky
It's a big universe and we're not.

By this point the entire room was in stitches, understanding the absolute non-seriousness of the song and the singer. They were laughing, cheering and clapping along, having almost as much fun learning about the Animaniacs point of view in regards to human beings as Sam was having sharing it. Then she got down to the end and the entire room simply howled at that appropriateness of the lines.

You might think that you're essential
Try inconsequential
It's a small world after all!

At that, they just rose to their feet and hollered. Sam grinned and blushed, taking a bow before she scooted from the stage and took a seat next to Brooke - who promptly backhanded her in the belly before rubbing it gently.

Lucy just laughed as she approached center stage once more. "Well, what do you think so far?" laughing again as the audience continued to cheer and clap. She turned back towards Xena once more. "You do realize," she said casually, listening to the applause die down so they could hear her words. "You do realize we're gonna have to do this again... just so we can have another talent show right?"

Xena just smiled and shook her head. The women in the room roared their agreement.

Chapter LI

"All right, ladies! Make some noise and welcome Blair Warner and Charlie!"

Blair stepped from the partially open curtain and pulled forward the stool that had been put there for her use, taking a seat before looking out at the expectant audience. "Hey, everyone. I um... I suppose you're wondering where Charlie is." She bit her lip and grimaced. "There's a story there actually, and it's really not pretty."

Jo walked out from behind the curtain. "Blair, Chucky was never pretty."

"Not helping, Jo."

"Hey, it's not my fault he looks like he got hit in the face by a tree."

Blair crossed her arms over her chest. "You're really not helping, Joanna."

"And it's not my fault he's got splinters up his...."

"Joanna Marie Polniaczek!!" Blair glared at her. "Just... turn blue!"

Jo smirked and cut her eyes at the audience. "This is serious; that's the most powerful response in her arsenal." By now the audience was tittering. Blair straightened and smiled devilishly.

"How about this - keep it up and Natalie and Tootie are going to have another roommate tonight?"

"Oh no...." Natalie called out from the audience over all the catcalls and laughter. "Don't put us in the middle of this! We already spent years rooming with the two of you! We don't wanna be in the middle of yet another domestic squabble!" causing the laughter to grow even louder.

Jo huffed and crossed her arms over her chest. "Damn - all right... fine."

"You are so whipped, Polniaczek," drawing howls from the rest of the New York contingent. Jo glared.

"Pot... kettle, Benson," sticking out her tongue before she looked more generally at the audience. "The fact is that Chuck, for all his ugliness is a puppet...."

"Marionette," Blair corrected regally. Jo rolled her eyes but dutifully changed her wording.

"Marionette that has been a part of Blair's life for a long time. Unfortunately, his trip to Disney World was a little more traumatic than ours and we weren't able to make him... presentable for you this evening. And not for lack of trying either," she muttered almost under her breath then cleared her throat. "So yeah... anyway, um...." Jo clapped her hands together. "Since the tree... um, marionette doctor is in New York and we've gone green - meaning no cutting down another tree for a new puppet - we had to come up with something on the fly."

Blair cleared her throat and all eyes went back to her. "What we came up with was our take on Sid Caesar's skit Argument to Beethoven's Fifth which we've renamed 'A Day in Our Life That Was'. Natalie and Too... Dorothy can vouch for the accuracy of what you're about to see." She nodded to Scud. "Maestro, if you please...." setting the mic back on the stand and moving the stool to one side of the stage.

Without another word, Beethoven's Fifth Symphony started playing over the speakers and Jo and Blair started storytelling an argument with no words... miming a typical day's disputes during their growing-up years with only the feel of music and their own actions to speak for them.

It started with them trying to share space at a make-believe sink - pushing and shoving one another out of the way. Sam and Brooke exchanged fond looks, recognizing all-too-well the antics playing out before them. When the music mellowed, they took a deep breath and visibly tried to calm the anger that was so apparent between them, only to have it ratchet up again.

As the music crescendo'd, Jo and Blair slammed their way out of the bathroom and into the bedroom. Blair stomped into the closet while Jo jerked open the drawers of her dresser and started throwing clothes on the bed. Then she took a deep breath and stepped back into the bathroom. Blair meanwhile came out of the closet and placed her clothes on her bed... and then on top of Jo's - and when Jo walked back into the room, the argument started again.

Natalie and Tootie exchanged looks, eyes wide and mouths open in disbelief. The scene was so familiar to them it was spooky, especially in light of the fact that no words were being spoken. Mock clothes went flying and a make-believe door slammed. "Oh God... I remember THAT argument."

Tootie nodded frantically. "Me too. Wasn't that...?" leaning in and whispering in Natalie's ear.

"Oh yeah. I wasn't sure any of us were gonna survive it."

Across the room, women were marveling at how much was being said without words and as the music crashed to its finale, Jo and Blair made up - wrapping their arms around each other and leaning their foreheads together... before turning to smile at the audience.

The crowd roared its approval and Jo and Blair laughed and took a bow before disappearing behind the curtain Max and Dom had parted for them. Lucy watched them go before she marched back onto the stage.

"Holy shit!" Lucy exclaimed as she approached center stage. She looked back at the curtain, then turned back to the audience. "That must have been some household." She scanned the room, smiling when she located Natalie and Tootie whispering to one another. "So how accurate was it?"

"Dead spot on," Natalie said flatly.

"Yeah... we actually recognized the exact fight they were having," Tootie added.

Lucy's brows went to her hairline. "You two should probably write a book. It'd be a best seller," drawing laughs from the crowd. Lucy smiled and cleared her throat. "All righty then. Let's give a warm welcome to Annabelle Tillman," shifting the stool back to center stage before she walked off.

Annabelle leaned her guitar carefully against the legs of the stool, then she grabbed the mic stand and lowered it to belly level. She took the mic from the stand and walked to the edge of the stage. "Hi," smiling when she got a good response from the audience. "Um, I'm afraid what I have for you tonight isn't nearly as exciting as what you've already seen or probably what's coming later either. I'm simply a musician and I would like to play for you one of my favorite pieces for the classical guitar called. 'Canon in D'. I hope you'll enjoy it as much as I do."

Annabelle placed the microphone back on the stand and grabbed her guitar before seating herself. She bowed her head and took a deep breath, then simply started playing.

The hush throughout the room was profound... almost as though the air had been sucked out in anticipation and then remained that way as the beautiful melody wafted flawlessly around the ears of the stunned listeners.

Annabelle kept her focus tight on the guitar itself, eyes on the slim neck as her fingers trailed up and down the strings with ease. She didn't see a number of women surreptitiously wipe wetness from their eyes, nor did she notice the few who let the tears roll down their cheeks. But Simone did and her smile was proud, even as goosebumps covered her arms in reaction.

When Annabelle finished, she dropped her head and drew a deep breath in the silence that followed the fading of her last note. She'd done her best. Then without warning, applause erupted across the room. Annabelle's head flew up, surprise and then joy flitting across her features as every woman in the room rose to her feet.

Olivia clasped Alex's hand. "That was my mom's favorite piece," she confided through her tears. Alex lifted her free hand and wiped the wetness from Olivia's face.

"Mine too," she replied with a smile. Their attention was drawn back to the stage as Annabelle took a final bow and left the platform. Lucy simply shook her head.

"Wow," she said reverently. "That was... I don't have words. I've never heard that done with a solo instrument before; there's always been a full orchestra involved." She took a deep breath. "All right. Our next act...." She frowned and turned to look at Xena. "Our next act is Julia Child?" Xena shrugged and motioned for Lucy to simply go with it. "Well then, ladies - please welcome Julia Child."

The clapping was polite but bewildered... until the moment Miranda Priestly stepped from the open curtain dressed in her Halloween costume. "Good evening, everyone," she greeted in that distinct, soprano voice, grinning when the crowd returned her salutation. "You know, in France, cooking is a serious art form and a national sport. And I have to tell you - I think that's just a marvelous thing. Because let's face it... they know their business, don't they?"

She bowed her head slightly at the smattering of applause and laughter that followed her pronouncement. "Thank you," reverting to Miranda Priestly's more whispered tone briefly before her expression and mannerisms changed once again. Then she swiftly became Jimmy Stewart in Mr. Smith Goes to Washington (You think I'm licked. You all think I'm licked. Well, I'm not licked. And I'm going to stay right here and fight for this lost cause. Even if the room gets filled with lies like these, and the Taylors and all their armies come marching into this place.); Meryl Streep in Sophie's Choice (When the train arrived at Auschwitz... the Germans made the selection. Who would live and who would die.); Tom Hanks as Forrest Gump (My momma always said, "Life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get."); and George C. Scott as General George S. Patton (Now I want you to remember that no bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country.) This time the applause was strong and went on for several minutes before it quieted down and Miranda resumed her own voice and personality to speak again.

"So here's the deal," she said quietly. "I had considered just sliding from one famous impersonation to the next, but that is somewhat boring, really, and boring just doesn't have a place in my business. So what I'd like to do instead is ask for some audience participation. You tell me who you'd like to hear and I'll make it happen. And to make it interesting - you have to tell me privately and we'll see if I can do it well enough for the rest here to figure it out."

Before the silence could go on too long, Xena walked up to the stage and Miranda leaned down carefully to hear her whispered words. Matching grins crossed their faces as Xena's words registered and Miranda nodded before she straightened.

"I know what you're thinking. Did he fire six shots or only five? Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, I've kinda lost track myself. But being as this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do ya punk?"

Dead silence was all she heard and Miranda turned to Xena with a look of bemused consternation on her face. Whatever response she'd expected, as sheer lack of reaction wasn't even remotely on her list. Finally Andy stood up cautiously. "That was simply incredible, Miranda. That was spot on to one of my favorites - Clint Eastwood as Dirty Harry."

Miranda grinned again and beckoned her forward. "Yes, it was. And of course you'd know that, Andrea," her tone wry but not biting. "Do you have someone you'd like me to try?"

"Actually, I have something. It's a favorite passage, but you may wanna choose a line or...." Miranda held up her hand and Andy stopped speaking. Then Miranda leaned down and waited for Andrea to give her the quote. Miranda narrowed her eyes thoughtfully, then nodded.

"It's a far, far better thing I do than I have ever done. It's a far, far better rest I go to than I have ever known."

"Hey, isn't that William Shatner as Captain Kirk in The Wrath of Khan?" Ziva asked quietly into the murmuring that could be heard around the room as women tried to identify the piece and player Miranda had done. Her movie tutorials with Tony had actually covered this bit of Americana. Bones, whom she was sitting next to, leaned over and shook her head.

"I don't think so. The quote is, but the voice inflection is wrong."

Before Ziva could form a retort, someone in the audience gave her answer - William Shatner from The Wrath of Khan. Miranda shook her head.

"I can honestly say I have never seen that movie although my daughters' reaction tells me that you could be correct. However, that was not who I was impersonating. Go further back - think classic American movie." She turned to Andrea. "I think we may have stumped them."

Kelly stood after a long moment of whispering throughout the room. "I think that's Ronald... um, Ronald Colman as Sydney Carton in Tale of Two Cities."

Miranda chuckled. "You would be absolutely correct." She motioned Kelly forward. "Who would you like me to try?" Kelly's eyes twinkled and Miranda leaned down to hear her whispered request. When she stood, she gave Kelly an evil smirk. "You are a very wicked woman." Kelly curtsied.

"Ratt, what brings you to Terra?"

"You, you vixen you. Starlet, I love you. That gown is gorgeous."

"Thank you. I saw it in the window and I just couldn't resist it."

Squeals and laughter went up around the room as Miranda, with only the inflection of her voice and her posture gave the appearance of wearing a curtain rod across her shoulders. Answers were called out across the room; it was obvious Carol Burnett's Went With the Wind skit was a huge favorite of all the convention attendees.

From there, it only got more hysterical. Miranda mimicked Eddie Murphy as Donkey from Shrek (You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Ha, ha!); gave a plausible imitation of Gabrielle as a storyteller; became Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men (You can't handle the truth!); John Wayne in McLintock's Mud Brawl (I haven't lost my temper in forty years, but Pilgrim, you caused a lot of trouble this morning, might have got somebody killed... and somebody oughta belt you in the mouth. But I won't, I won't. The *hell* I won't!); and Sandra Bullock in The Blindside (Michael, I want you to have a good time but if you get a girl pregnant out of wedlock, I will crawl into the car, drive up to Oxford and cut off your penis.). For her finale, she played both parts in Abbott and Costello's famous baseball skit, leaving the women howling in laughter as she turned into Julia Child once more by admonishing them.

"In department stores, so much kitchen equipment is bought indiscriminately by people who just come in for men's underwear."

Then she gave a brief bow and with a smile and a wave, Miranda Priestly left the stage. Lucy walked slowly back towards center stage, frantically waving the clipboard she held in an effort to get more oxygen to her brain.

"Oh my God... has anyone tested that woman for multiple-personality disorder?" she asked with a glance back towards the curtains that were thankfully still closed. "That was amazing... and a little bit terrifying," she added with a grin. The women in the room chuckled.

"All right," Lucy said again, consulting her clipboard. "Next up we have Ms Emma Spaulding who's going to tell us a story. C'mon out, Emma."

Max and Dom parted the curtain just enough to allow Emma to step through and she walked onto the stage with a huge grin on her face.

"Hi, Emma," Lucy welcomed. "I hear you made a deal with Gabrielle."

"Uh huh." Emma nodded enthusiastically, accepting the microphone from Lucy. "I promised I would tell a story if she would tell a story. Besides, this could help me become a Queen's Champion," she added as an aside, though the entire room heard her.

"That sounds like a good goal. How about a round of applause to get her started, ladies?"

Emma bowed as the applause sounded throughout the room. Then she straightened and started her story.

Chapter LII

"When I told Gabrielle I'd tell a story tonight, I kinda wondered, um... what kind of story I could tell. I mean, she said last night to tell what you know, but I didn't think that meant I could tell Hannah Montana or A to Z Mysteries stories. 'Cuz even though you guys have probably never heard of them before, those stories belong to someone else and that's kind of like cheating."

Emma blew out a frustrated breath and tried to tuck a non-existent lock of hair behind her ear. Gabrielle grinned privately, recognizing one of her own nervous habits. Emma scuffed the toe of her shoe against the floor and looked back out at her audience.

"Then I remembered - ya know... this is Disney World. I mean... Walt Disney took all kinds of faerie tales and told them his way, right? So I thought maybe I'd try that. Now," she added as she stuck a hand in her pocket and walked towards one end of the stage. "This isn't actually *my* story... I mean, it didn't happen to me. But I watched it," rolling her eyes. "Oh boy, did I - at least the good stuff. Honestly, sometimes adults can be so dumb."

************

Her sentiment drew laughter as much as her demeanor did. However, Natalia's eyes widened and she covered her mouth to keep from saying anything. In contrast, Olivia's eyes narrowed and she pursed her lips momentarily before she muttered, "Oh no she isn't." She took the hand that was searching for hers and clasped it on her lap. Then they both turned their attention back to their daughter.

************

"Okay, so… um, first I had to talk to my daddy this morning. See, I know a little bit of this story, cuz, you know... I was there when it happened. But lots of it happened before I was even born or anything. Not the most important parts, but I wanted to know why Mommy didn't stay with Daddy if he was her prince.

And Daddy told me that Mommy didn't have a prince because she was waiting for her princess.

So I was thinking about what faerie tale this story was most like - I mean, it's kinda like Sleeping Beauty cuz there was a princess that needed to be woken up by a kiss. And it's a little like Cinderella cuz there was a hard-working princess who was swept off her feet by Charming. And it's sorta like Beauty and the Beast because there's dusting and cleaning and a grouch."

************

More laughter and this time it was all Natalia could do to keep from letting a squeak escape. Olivia cut her eyes in Natalia's direction, noting the dimples she was trying to disguise and the tears she couldn't possibly hide. She switched her handhold, taking Natalia's right hand in her right hand and wrapping her left arm around Natalia's shoulders. She was gratified when Natalia immediately leaned into her, snuggling down into Olivia's shoulder and covering their hands with her left one. Then they turned their focus back to Emma who had wandered over to the other side of the stage.

************

"Now what was I gonna call this story? Sleeping Cinder Beast was the best I could come up with and that just wasn't working for me," eliciting more snorts of laughter. "So I just decided to call this story, My Two Mommies and How We Got To Be A Family."

Laughter and applause greeted her words and Emma smiled.

"Once upon a time there was a beautiful wicked queen named Olivia."

************

"Oh no she didn't," Olivia grumbled. "She did not just make me the villain in this story."

"No, Sweetie... she made you the beautiful wicked queen. Now hush and listen." Natalia chided. Olivia glared and stuck out her lip the tiniest bit, then looked back at Emma who was rocking on her heels.

************

"And although Wicked Queen Olivia was a wonderful mommy to Little Princess Emma, she was a very unhappy wicked queen. She didn't *want* to be wicked, but she didn't know any other way to be. See, Olivia had heart problems and it made her real cranky with almost everyone.

Wicked Queen Olivia wanted to have someone love her and to love someone in return. She was very lonely. But she, um... wasn't looking with her heart - she didn't know how to. Still, she tried... over and over again she tried. She tried by making lots of money... only to discover it was just money. She tried by being a successful business mongrel, but that was just a lot of hard work. She even tried to find her prince, but that only got her heart broken over and over and it made her angrier inside."

************

"Mogul, honey... business mogul."

"That's what I said, Mommy... business mongrel," Emma replied adamantly, drawing quiet chuckles all over the room.

"The puppy didn't fall far from the mongrel, Sweetie," getting a look in response.

************

"So finally, Wicked Queen Olivia decided it would just be her and Little Princess Emma because Big Princess Ava wanted to go off and find her own prince. And for a little while, that was okay because Wicked Queen Olivia was never a wicked queen to Emma. She was just Mommy and they were happy... or as happy as they could be when Wicked Queen Olivia could be while still looking for the part of her heart that was missing.

And then she found out that not only was part of her heart missing - the whole thing had gone bad. Wicked Queen Olivia needed a new heart. But who would give up their heart so a wicked queen could live? And who would share their heart so the wicked queen wouldn't be unhappy any more?

Right before Wicked Queen Olivia found out about her heart, there was a new princess that came to town... only no one knew she was a princess because, like Cinderella, she was a maid. She actually worked for the wicked queen. See, the wicked queen owned the hotel where she and Little Princess Emma lived, and Princess Natalia had been hired to be a housekeeper there."

************

Natalia squeezed Olivia's hand as she chuckled lightly. "She made me a princess."

Olivia growled. "It's the dimples. Besides," she smirked superiorly, "I still outrank you."

She felt Natalia's brow go up against her neck. "How do you figure?"

Olivia snorted. "Natalia, like it or not, a queen is always more powerful than a princess."

"Sweetie, as your wife, that makes me more powerful than anyone throughout the land."

Olivia opened her mouth to retort, then snapped it closed, knowing Natalia spoke the truth. "Dammit!" she muttered and resolutely turned back to Emma, trying to ignore the gentle shaking of the shoulders she was embracing.

************

"Princess Natalia didn't wear rags and she didn't scrub the floors on her hands and knees like Cinderella did. Instead, she wore a uniform and she made beds and folded towels and dusted... a lot.

Princess Natalia had come looking for her prince - the man who was her son's daddy. And she found him, so they started making plans to become a family. But the wicked queen decided she wanted him for her prince, because Gus had been kind to her and that made the wicked queen happy. See, the wicked queen didn't have many real friends. She didn't know how important it was to have friends in her life. And Wicked Queen Olivia's action put her and Princess Natalia against each other. It made them enemies."

Emma rolled her eyes and shook her head. "They thought they were hiding it from me, but it was hard to miss all the yelling they did... about everything... especially when they stopped the minute I walked into the room."

She looked out into the audience. "For those of you who haven't been a kid for a while, please don't think you can hide the important things from us. We're not stupid - just like you weren't when you were young. 'Kay?"

She changed her cadence and shifted smoothly back into her story. "So Princess Natalia and Prince Gus got married. Wicked Queen Olivia found out that she had missed her chance at a new heart and they only expected her old, broken one to last a few more days."

************

Olivia drew in a deep breath, feeling the hopelessness and rage she had felt then flow through her once more. Only this time, Natalia was beside her and she seamlessly altered their positions so that she cradled Olivia. Natalia brushed a kiss over Olivia's forehead and felt Olivia marginally relax against her.

"Shh...." she chided. "I'm sorry, Olivia... so sorry. But we got through this, remember? It's what got us where we are today."

"Yeah, but God in the meantime...."

Natalia chuckled soundlessly against her and Olivia smiled against her neck. "Listen to our daughter, Sweetheart. She tells a good story."

************

"Big Princess Ava had come to stay with Little Princess Emma while the wicked queen was in the hospital. At the same time, Prince Gus had a really bad motorcycle accident and he was dying. So Princess Natalia was at the hospital when Big Princess Ava brought Little Princess Emma in to see Wicked Queen Olivia who was waiting on her new heart.

Little Princess Emma and Princess Natalia met in the hallway and Little Princess Emma saw that Princess Natalia had been crying. Wanting to make her feel better, Little Princess Emma offered Princess Natalia one of the flowers she had been taking to her mommy. It made Princess Natalia smile, but Little Princess Emma could see it didn't take away her sadness.

Prince Gus died, and his heart was given to Wicked Queen Olivia. It made the wicked queen unhappy, but Princess Natalia, who had made the decision to give her prince's heart to the wicked queen, got angry and told the wicked queen she didn't get to die now - she had a responsibility to live... if only to honor Prince Gus' memory.

That made the wicked queen mad, but Princess Natalia kept on her case. They still yelled and argued with each other, but that seemed to be helping Olivia get better more than babying her would. It was how she talked to everyone except, you know... Little Princess Emma. So slowly, the wicked queen started to recover.

In the meantime, Princess Natalia had troubles of her own and she and the wicked queen started moving from enemies to kinda friends but boy... did it take a loooong time. I mean, it was *really*slow," Emma added, rolling her eyes once more and getting some scattered chuckles across the room. She smiled.

"It was... really. Princess Natalia made sure Wicked Queen Olivia lived, then the wicked queen rescued the princess when she got into trouble.

The princess had to cover for the wicked queen when the queen was too sick to work and then she became the queen's assistant when the wicked queen's new heart stopped working. That scared the princess very much, and she realized she didn't think of Wicked Queen Olivia as wicked anymore. She simply thought of her as Olivia.

When Princess Natalia took the job as Queen Olivia's assistant, she included taking care of the queen and the little princess as part of her duties, and this time, the queen accepted the help like she was s'posed to... or she tried to anyway. Most people still saw her as a wicked queen, and the queen didn't know how to change that image... but Princess Natalia did.

Wicked Queen Olivia helped Prince Rafe get better living conditions, even though they *really* didn't like each other. See, Prince Rafe felt that the wicked queen was taking advantage of his mommy Princess Natalia and it made him really mad. The wicked queen thought Rafe was a childish brat who needed to grow the fu...." Emma stopped and cleared her throat. "She wanted him to grow up and act like a man. Still, she helped him because he was Natalia's son, and it bothered her to see Natalia upset for any reason, but especially because of Rafe."

************

Natalia slapped Olivia's leg, holding sparking green eyes when they met equally fierce brown. "Don't think I don't know where she got THAT word!!" Olivia frowned but looked back at the stage. "You owe the swear jar for her!" Olivia just smirked.

************

"When Princess Natalia, with a little help from the queen, became proud owner of a farmhouse, she was very happy... until she realized she would need to rent some rooms to be able to make the payments on it. Reluctantly, Queen Olivia agreed to live there, if only so Natalia could continue to look out for her and Little Princess Emma.

Now Emma really loved the farmhouse. The farmhouse had ducks, and Little Princess Emma liked the ducks very much. But mostly Emma liked having a real home - it was the first real home she had ever known and she knew it made her mommy very happy to be there.

Except, of course, the wicked queen and Princess Natalia still continued to bicker and fight. It seemed to be the only way they could talk to one another sometimes. And the wicked queen decided she and Little Princess Emma couldn't stay there because they were just too different from Princess Natalia in every way to make anything work. That made Little Princess Emma *very* unhappy and she ran away, hoping to make a point."

************

"She damn sure did that," Olivia muttered, earning her a smack in the belly from Natalia.

"Olivia!"

"Well, she did," Olivia mumbled, rubbing the spot Natalia had hit.

Natalia rolled her eyes and took over the rubbing. "Hush," she commanded and nudged Olivia's attention back towards the stage.

************

"About this time, Little Princess Emma had a family project at school, and her presentation was called 'My Two Mommies'. Everybody liked her presentation, but it made things at the farmhouse weird. The wicked queen decided it was time for her and Little Princess Emma to move back to their rooms at the queen's hotel.

She explained to the little princess that Princess Natalia had found a new prince and that he would be moving into the farmhouse to live with the princess. The queen swore it would make Natalia happy and that was what was important. The little princess didn't believe Princess Natalia would be happy without her and her mommy, but she could tell her mommy needed to believe it.

So one day they were a family living at the farmhouse with Princess Natalia and the ducks, and the next day they were back in their royal rooms at the queen's hotel. And the wicked queen was very unhappy, but she continued to help Princess Natalia, convinced that Prince Frank would make Princess Natalia happy because he would love her and give her the family she wanted.

Princess Natalia didn't really think she wanted Prince Frank. After all, she had been very happy when Queen Olivia and Princess Emma had lived with her and been her family. But Queen Olivia insisted and Princess Natalia, sure that what she'd thought was the queen's love for her was only friendship, went along with the queen's statement that Prince Frank was what Princess Natalia needed to be happy.

Princess Natalia liked Prince Frank as a friend. He was nice and he had been a good friend to Prince Rafe. And agreeing to marry him seemed to make his whole family happy. Even Little Princess Emma was happy, because she got to wear a pretty dress and drop rose petals on the ground before Princess Natalia walked down the aisle.

But at the wedding, Princess Natalia couldn't make her promises to Prince Frank. She knew that she liked him, but she loved Queen Olivia. And she knew the queen loved her too. Now she had to convince the queen that they could be together. But it wouldn't be easy because the wicked queen believed that Princess Natalia would never accept what loving her really meant. And more than anything, the wicked queen didn't want the princess to hate her.

Things went from really weird to really bad, and for a while Little Princess Emma wasn't sure what was going to happen. She knew the queen loved the princess and that the princess loved the queen. Slowly... waaaaay slower than the little princess wanted, Princess Natalia and Queen Olivia allowed themselves to be a couple and show the world that they loved one another and they were a family.

It didn't make everyone happy - Prince Frank was a toad about it and Prince Rafe was a frog. Father Ray was an as... he was just mean. But mostly, people were happy for the wicked queen and the princess."

************

Olivia snorted at Emma's description of Frank and Rafe, but she bit her lips to keep from smiling when Natalia raised her head slightly and glared. Olivia shrugged.

"It's the truth."

"I know," Natalia sighed. "But it doesn't make me happy to remember the way they acted then."

"Maybe not, but we're here together now and they're both okay with that," leaning up and claiming a kiss that Natalia was happy to return. Emma stomped her foot and cleared her throat loudly, causing the audience to titter.

"Mommy!! I'm not to that part yet!"

Olivia chuckled and Natalia blushed, but couldn't hide her dimples. "Sorry, Jellybean," motioning with her hand. "Please continue."

"Thank you," Emma replied regally.

************

"Queen Olivia discovered that she didn't need to be a wicked queen all the time anymore - that people could like her because of who she was and wouldn't see her as weak because she was nice to them. Suddenly, she realized she had friends and this made her happy.

Princess Natalia figured out that God wasn't gonna turn his back on her just 'cause. And this made Princess Natalia happy because God was very important to her.

So finally, one day in the fall, Princess Natalia insisted it was time for the queen and the little princess to come home to the farmhouse.

That was a very happy day for Queen Olivia, Princess Natalia and Little Princess Emma. Even the frog and the toad helped them move back home.

And so far, they're living happily ever after." Emma looked back at her parents. "All right, Mommy - *now* you can kiss her," drawing hoots and cheers from the audience, and then wild applause for Emma as she took her bow to a standing ovation.

Chapter LIII

The applause made Emma blush and she took another bow before replacing the microphone on the stand and running off the stage with a wave. Lucy watched her go before turning back towards the audience and looking at Emma's moms.

"You two need to think about getting that kid an agent. That was incredible." Drawing another round of cheers and applause from the women present. Lucy turned to Gabrielle. "What did you think?"

Gabrielle wrapped an arm around Emma's shoulders and squeezed lightly. They shared a huge smile. "I think Little Princess Emma has a natural gift." A beat. "And I hope her moms loved the way she told their story as much as I did."

Lucy turned back to the audience once more. "And let me just add that I think the next few years are gonna be real interesting for the two of you, judging by what we heard tonight," garnering more chuckles. "Okay... moving on - our next act is all about mystery and magic. Please welcome the Great Garcia."

Garcia was posed as the curtains opened wide for her and she took a bow before she and Lucy moved her table of props closer to the edge of the stage. Then Lucy resumed her seat off to one side of the stage and Garcia took the mic from the stand.

"So whaddya think? Should we make this a yearly event?" smiling when the crowd roared their approval. She turned towards Xena and Gabrielle. "All right, ladies - the masses have spoken," grinning at them impishly.

"However, first I have to do my act, so just sit back, hold on tight, and watch the Goddess of Love do her thing."

They exchanged glances and rolled their eyes in tandem, then turned their attention to the performance in front of them.

Garcia pulled the top hat from her head and showed it was empty. Then she pulled a string of colorful scarves from inside and turned it into confetti as she showered the crowd of spectators with it. This was followed by several card tricks involving different, random members of the audience.

She offered a coin trick and a rope trick, drawing laughter and applause for her showmanship and entertainment. Garcia grinned and bowed with aplomb.

"Okay, so... for my next trick, well... seeing is believing." She showed them her empty hat again, then waved her magic wand over the top. Suddenly, a flock of butterflies flew out of the hat and over the group of women who gasped as the butterflies flew over them and simply disappeared.

This time the applause went on for a long moment and Garcia accepted it with a curtsy and a smile. "For my final trick... well, actually, I was gonna swallow fire - then I found out that fire wasn't allowed. Then I was gonna juggle knives - and I found out that wasn't allowed either." She huffed. "So, I guess that *was* my final trick."

Garcia bowed again and blew kisses as the women clapped and cheered. And with a final curtsy, she started off the stage. Lucy rose and motioned to the prop table. Garcia shook her head and held up a hand, stopping Lucy from coming closer. Instead, Garcia focused on the table and lifted her hand, raising it off the ground.

The audience grew silent... stunned by what they were seeing. Slowly, the table rose from the stage and floated towards Garcia until it and she were behind the curtains - which dropped to roaring cheers.

"Well, that was pretty impressive," Lucy commented with admiration in her voice. Then her brow furrowed into a frown. "Wait a minute! If she could do that before, why'd I have to help carry it out?? That table was damn heavy!"

Snorts of laughter followed her pronouncement and she frowned harder. "Maybe Amy'll offer you a rub down tonight," Xena commented with a straight face, drawing hoots and hollers of her own. Lucy brightened and waggled her eyebrows in Amy's direction.

"What say, babe? Sound like a plan?"

Amy just covered her face and shook her head.

Lucy scowled and muttered under her breath before bringing the mic back to her mouth. "It's time to make some noise for Ms Casey Novak!"

"Good evening ladies! And thank you for letting me be part of this fantastic show tonight. It's been a long, long time since I was on stage like this. Actually, stand-up comedy helped pay my way through college - yeah... no kidding. And somehow, going up in front of a judge and jury on a regular basis isn't nearly as nerve-racking. I mean, they teach that in law school - stand-up comedy... not so much.

So anyway, first off I need to thank whoever was in charge of scheduling. I'm pretty sure if I'd have been the one following Abbie and Alex dancing, I'd have been a blithering idiot. As it is, I'm not sure that still won't happen." Casey cleared her throat.

"All right, so I've got to ask - how many of you believe in God? C'mon... raise your hands. I'm not passing an offering plate or anything. I'm just nosey." A number of women raised their hands and Casey nodded.

"Okay... now of those of you that believe in God, how many of you believe that God is a man?" Most of the hands stayed up, but a few dropped. Casey nodded her head.

"Congratulations, ladies... you're right. You can put your hands down, thanks. God is a man, and despite the lovely Ms Garcia's assurance that she's the Goddess of Love, there's divine proof showing there is no Goddess... of love or otherwise."

Another glance was exchanged, but otherwise, there was nothing in anyone's expression to give away any thoughts to Casey's pronouncements.

"Are you sure?"

Casey chuckled. "Absolutely - divine proof, remember? Any of you ladies ever hang clothes out on the line at sometime in your life?" watching as a number of hands went up in acknowledgment. "Me too. Now, especially for those of you that lived in the Southeastern part of the United States - how many times did it rain? Either just after you got everything on the line and up to your elbows in something else or just before you went out to take them in once they were dry?"

"That didn't just happen here in the States," Helen commented. "Have you ever been in the highlands of Scotland?"

"Who said that?" Casey asked, then nodded in acceptance when Helen stood up. "Exactly - and how many times did it rain detergent and fabric softener in the highlands of Scotland?"

"Um... never?"

"My point - if God was a woman, it would rain detergent and fabric softener just so the clothes would come off the line ready to go instead of needing to be washed again. And think of how clean the yard would be, right?" smiling at the laughter. "It's a win/win.

And then there are the children - I know we have a few moms in the audience. How many of you have ever wished for a manual to know how to handle certain situations or attitudes? Especially once the kids hit puberty??"

Casey chuckled at the cheers and clapping she got in response to that question. "I know I heard my mother mumbling more than once about wishing my brothers and I had come with operating instructions. If God was a woman, kids would come with an off button and babies would come out of the womb with an information booklet strapped to their bellies.

And let's be completely honest - if God was a woman, childbirth would be a *much* different process. I don't think men would be doing it because let's face it... if men had to carry a child for nine months and then give birth, the human race would've become extinct a long time ago," grinning when there was hooting and hollering around the room.

"But if God was a woman, pregnancy would come without swollen ankles and lower back problems and when it was time to give birth, there'd be a hidden zipper that could just be opened and boom! Out pops the kid!" letting the women cheer for a long moment before she began to speak again.

"Or how about full-grown responsible adult children? Couldn't they just be born ready to move out? I think if God was a woman, we'd have been given a choice about that as well... or at least given a button to make them grown after they pop out from that zippered compartment.

And speaking of buttons - what about an opt-out button? Is there a reason a woman should suffer with cramps and bloating and bleeding to death for days on end every single month - unless of course she's *pregnant* - for thirty or forty years of her life?? I mean seriously... what kind of Divine Being would come up with that?? I'm pretty sure it wasn't a woman!" More cheering and clapping.

"And really, if God was a woman, we could get out of bed looking like a million dollars every morning. No bed head, no morning breath, no ridiculous amounts of make-up to put on to cover the lines and sags and circles we seem to find more of everyday. If God was a woman, we'd be the ones who aged gracefully and got more distinguished looking with age." This time she got the women to their feet.

"Finally, let me ask - how many of you have had a mother figure in your life? Not all of us are lucky like Emma in that we have two moms, but most of us have had at least one mom in their life, right? If not our actual mother, there's been a step-mom or a favorite auntie or even an older sibling that somehow filled that role in our lives, right?" waiting for a smattering of applause in recognition of the truth of her words.

"All right, for those of you that've had a mom - the kind of mom that makes you clean your room and eat your peas and wash behind your ears - answer me this. Do you really think if God was a woman that she'd have let the world get in the shape it's in?? I don't know about you guys, but if God was a woman like my mom, she'd have already stepped in and done some head smacking.

I mean, seriously? 'What the hell do you think you're doing?' SMACK!! 'I give you something nice and this is what you do with it?!' SMACK!! 'What have I told you about picking up after yourself??' SMACK!! 'Clean up this mess!!' SMACK!!

Honestly, if God was a woman, the earth would be a much nicer place to live, but we'd all be walking around with brain damage." Laughter greeted her words followed by applause when Casey put the mic back on stand and waved as she exited the stage.

Lucy walked back towards center stage gently rubbing the back of her head. "That explains so much," she muttered, garnering more laughter. "Okay, our next up is an accidental duet." Lucy turned and looked at Xena. "Really?" Xena nodded. Lucy just shook her head. "All righty then - put your hands together for our dueling Divas - Ziva David and Temperance Brennan!"

The two stepped out from the semi-open curtain dressed in glamorous finery and bowed slightly in acknowledgement of the clapping and wolf-whistles that greeted them.

"So first I should tell you why we're up here together," Bones started, accepting Lucy's microphone.

"Why should you tell them?" Ziva asked as she removed the mic from the stand. "Why not me?"

"Oh," Bones gestured towards the audience. "By all means."

"Well, you see, we were each going to sing separately... only we discovered...."

"... we were going to be singing the same song. So instead, we decided...."

"... to do a different song together. We hope you'll enjoy it."

The music from "Annie Get Your Gun" blared through the speakers and the audience grinned and clapped their approval of the Dueling Divas' choice. Bones started them off.

Anything you can do,
I can do better.
I can do anything
Better than you.

No, you can't.
Yes, I can. No, you can't.
Yes, I can. No, you can't.
Yes, I can,
Yes, I can!

Then Ziva took a turn.

Anything you can be
I can be greater.
Sooner or later,
I'm greater than you.

No, you're not. Yes, I am.
No, you're not. Yes, I am.
No, you're NOT! Yes, I am.
Yes, I am

This was followed by Bones.

Any note you can reach
I can go higher.
I can sing anything
Higher than you.

No, you can't. (High)
Yes, I can. (Higher) No, you can't. (Higher)
Yes, I can. (Higher) No, you can't. (Higher)
Yes, I can. (Higher) No, you can't. (Higher)
Yes, I can. (Higher) No, you can't. (Higher)
Yes, I CAN! (Highest)

Ziva started on the next verse even as Bones coughed to clear her throat.

Anything you can say
I can say softer.
I can say anything
Softer than you.

No, you can't. (Softly)
Yes, I can. (Softer) No, you can't. (Softer)
Yes, I can. (Softer) No, you can't. (Softer)
Yes, I can. (Softer)
YES, I CAN! (Full volume)

Bones took a deep breath before beginning the next set.

Any note you can hold
I can hold longer.
I can hold any note
Longer than you.

No, you can't.
Yes, I can No, you can't.
Yes, I can No, you can't.
Yes, I can
Yes, I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I No, you C-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-N'T--
CA-A-A-A-N! (Cough, cough!)
Yes, you ca-a-a-an!

Ziva licked her lips and started the next stanza.

Anything you say
I can say faster.
I can say anything
Faster than you.
No, you can't. (Fast)
Yes, I can. (Faster) No, you can't. (Faster)
Yes, I can. (Faster) No you can't. (Faster)
Yes I can! (Fastest)

They both grew haughty as they entered the final verse.

Anything you can sing
I can sing sweeter.
I can sing anything
Sweeter than you.
No, you can't. (Sweetly)
Yes, I can. (Sweeter) No, you can't. (Sweeter)
Yes, I can. (Sweeter) No, you can't. (Sweeter)
Yes, I can. (Sweeter) No, you can't, can't, can't (sweeter)
Yes, I can, can, can (Sugary)

Yes, I can! No, you can't!

Together, they belted out the tag line - "YES I CAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!" and immediately leaned against one another, laughing as applause and cheers rang out across the room. They accepted their due with a bow, then replaced the mics and turned to leave the stage with a backwards glance and a wave before disappearing behind the curtains.

Chapter LIV

"I gotta say - if Divas gotta duel, they need to duel like that. That was pretty fantastic! Whaddya say, ladies?" Applause rose across the room and Lucy smiled. "So, let's welcome our next act, the Mystic Mentalists - Barbara Gordon and Dinah Lance!"

The response was good - everyone was having fun and enjoying themselves. Still, Barbara found herself putting on her teaching persona as she wheeled onto the stage, followed by Dinah. "Good evening, everyone!" smiling when the crowd answered as a group. "I'm Barbara; this is Dinah," pulling the younger woman up beside her. "And tonight we'd like to amaze you with a little bit of mind reading," waiting until the applause died down again.

"Now since it will be easier for Dinah to walk among you for obvious reasons," she added wryly gesturing to her chair, "I'll be attempting the mind reading part of this act. So before we get started...." She pulled a long length of cloth from the side pocket of her chair and handed it to Dinah. "I'll need to be blindfolded."

Dinah took the cloth and went down into the audience, allowing a number of women to see and feel the material, determining that it was thick and non-see-through.

"So is everyone satisfied?" she asked, waiting for an affirmative before returning to the stage. She motioned Lucy over and handed her the blindfold.

"You *do* know how to use one of these, right?" Barbara asked with a smirk. The blush that ran up Lucy's and consequently Amy's face couldn't be missed. Lucy tied it tight, careful not to catch Barbara's hair in the knot. She bent to check that there were no peeking spots, then nodded to Dinah.

"She's all set."

"All right, ladies - this is how this works. Dinah's going to wander around the room. If you've got an object you'd like me to do a little mind reading about, let Dinah know. And we'll see what we can do with it, all right?"

Dinah stepped off the stage again and before she could go very far, Kate Ashurst walked up beside her and offered her a small article. Dinah nodded enthusiastically and turned Kate to face the stage, keeping a hand on her shoulder.

"Oh All-Knowing Oracle, I hold in my hand an object." Dinah watched the blindfold shift as Barbara arched her brow beneath it. In the back, Helena just shook her head, knowing the Kid was in trouble.

"Is it an elephant?"

Dinah looked at her hand and rolled her eyes, then mentally slapped herself for even looking. The women watching her chuckled at her reaction. "No... no elephant."

"Lions, tigers, bears?"

"Oh my. NO, of course. No, it isn't."

"Just checking…. Our contract with Disney doesn't cover that in our deposit."

"Among a number of other things, I'm sure. Now concentrate, Oracle, and I'm sure you'll be able to *unlock* the mystery of this object."

Barbara put two fingers on one side of her temple. "Um... I'm getting a lot of interference, Dinah."

"Concentrate, Oracle - you can *unlock* the identity of this item if you concentrate."

Barbara paused thoughtfully. "You hold in your hand a key."

"Can you be more specific?"

Barbara furrowed her brow. "The key you hold unlocks a safe - the safe in room... 2314." She hesitated. "The safe contains two police badges."

From her spot in the audience, Scribbs snarked. "No effing way! What are the badge numbers?"

"Middleford Police Detective Inspector 426 and Middleford Police Detective Sergeant 841."

Scribbs shook her head. "Blimey! She's exactly right!" The crowd burst into amazed applause.

************

It didn't take but a minute and Dinah had her next willing volunteer. Mac held up her hand and Dinah took the small item, remaining next to Mac and keeping in contact with her.

"Oracle, I hold in my hand an object."

"Is it an elephant?"

"No."

"It's never an elephant."

"Focus, Oracle. This one's a bit of a *challenge*, but a good *toss* will give you the right answer."

"You're sure about that, Dinah?"

"I am."

"I've got something but it's still really fuzzy. It's round and...." She paused and tilted her head. "It's a coin." Barbara held up her hand before Dinah could prod her again, then pressed two fingers to her temple again. "It is in fact a coin from Col. Sarah MacKenzie - a coin that you absconded with, Colonel, after Lt. Cmdr. Bud Roberts loaned it to you and your partner Harmon Rabb to determine which of you would remain in the service and which of you would follow the other when you were being sent to San Diego and Harm was going to London. The top reads Judge Advocate General and the bottom has the dates 1995-2005, indicating the 10 years Admiral Albert J. Chegwidden was the Judge Advocate General of the United States Navy."

"Son of a bitch," Mac muttered. "That's absolutely right."

"Nice going, Oracle," Dinah cheered. The women cheered loudly as well.

************

Abby waved her hand to get Dinah's attention this time, but it was Kate who offered the next piece to challenge Barbara's ability. Dinah stood beside her, holding Kate's wrist. She pulled the microphone away from her mouth. "Can you take it off for me?" waiting for Kate to comply and getting a good read on her in the meantime. "Thanks," she muttered before returning the mic to her lips.

"All-Seeing Oracle, I hold in my hand an object."

"Still not an elephant, right?"

"Correct."

"All righty then."

"Concentrate, Oracle - you're running out of *time* on this object."

Barbara took a deep breath. "I'm running out of time to find that freaking elephant," she muttered.

"Focus, Oracle. *Time* is moving right along here."

"Of course it is... time is a constant, Dinah." She rubbed her temple again. "It's a watch, but I can't see.... Wait - it's starting to come in a little more clearly." She paused a moment. You're holding a very special watch. This watch is engraved on the back and was given to Caitlin Todd for her service on behalf of the President of the United States - dated September 23, 2003."

"I'll be damned," Kate said aloud. "How the hell did you know that?" Barbara simply smiled and the crowd went wild.

************

Emma had been signaling her mother and finally Olivia held up the item Emma wanted her buddy Barbara to guess. With a whispered word from Gabrielle, Emma ran over to join Olivia and Natalia just as Dinah reached them. She grinned and Emma nodded her head enthusiastically.

"Oracle, I hold in my hand an object."

"Is it...?"

"Why yes... yes it is."

"I didn't even ask yet."

"Aren't you gonna ask if it's an elephant?"

"Why? I've guessed that three times already and it's been wrong every time. I think the elephant - like Elvis - has left the building."

"Try again."

"All right... is it an elephant?"

"It is, in fact, an elephant."

"Oh man… that was too easy," Emma broke in, giggling. "I knew you were gonna say that. Tell me, Bar... Oracle - what's my elephant's name?"

Barbara's eyebrows went into her hairline. "Emma, why did you name your stuffed elephant?"

"Because everyone needs a name."

"That's a good reason," Barbara agreed with a succinct nod of her head. She furrowed her brow in thought "Your elephant's name is... Frank??" Emma giggled and nodded her head enthusiastically.

"Emma!" Natalia exclaimed. Olivia just snorted.

"Okay, Emma," Barbara offered. "Since you thought that was too easy, go ahead and ask me something else."

"Kay. Um.. Bar... Oracle, what color underwear is Mommy wearing?"

"EMMA!!!" both her mothers shouted.

"Emma, whisper the color to Dinah," Barbara instructed after delicately clearing her throat. Dinah leaned down and heard Emma's answer and frowned. Then she deliberately leaned on the back of Olivia's chair and promptly turned a disturbing shade of red. She cleared her throat and spoke directly to Emma, keeping her eyes away from Olivia's and Natalia's.

"Okay Emma... think of the color and concentrate. You got it?" waiting for Emma to nod. "All right, Oracle - she's concentrating really hard. What d'you think?"

"I'm getting the image," rubbing her forehead thoughtfully. "It's... it's... coming in really weird. It looks like...." She paused and tilted her head as though trying to make sense of what she was seeing. "It's... camo? Olivia, you're wearing camouflage underwear??" Barbara shook her head before Dinah could speak. "Wait... not camo... COMMANDO!"

Olivia covered her eyes and hissed, "Emma!!!"

Natalia slapped her hand over Olivia's belly. "Olivia!!!"

In the midst of the mayhem, Emma looked between her two mommies trying to figure out why Natalia just hit her mommy. But that didn't dampen her curiosity and she met Olivia's eyes when she asked, "Mommy, what color is commando? Is that like pink?"

The entire room burst into hysterical laughter. Olivia covered her eyes; Natalia buried her entire face in her hands. Emma just looked at Dinah and shrugged her shoulders. Dinah sent Barbara a silent message - I'm really glad Helena is getting this on camera... THAT was priceless.

************

It took a few minutes for the room to settle down again, but even once the laughter had receded Dinah still didn't speak. There was some shuffling around the room that Barbara could hear and she tilted her head to try and determine what was going on.

"Dinah?"

"Sorry, Oracle. I hold in my hand…."

"Yada yada...." Barbara broke in.

"And no, it's not an elephant."

"I wasn't going to guess that."

"Why not? You've guessed that every other time."

"Because what are the chances of two people packing an elephant in the same room?"

Dinah snorted. "And people think I'm a blonde."

"Hey! I know where you live and you have to sleep sometime."

"And back to the object before I end up sleeping by the pool tonight" smiling when the crowd laughed. "Try to *restrain* yourself from making outrageous guesses on this, Oracle."

A pause.

"Oh no she didn't," Barbara muttered, face flushing almost the color of her hair.

"C'mon, Red," Helena encouraged. Barbara just shook her head.

"Of course she did," causing laughter to ripple around the room. "Is the object yours, Helena?"

"Yes."

Barbara cocked her head thoughtfully and rubber her temples, willing away the flush she could still feel. Then she smiled slyly. "No it isn't... those aren't ours." She pursed her lips and crinkled her forehead thoughtfully. "They're standard police issue," pausing again briefly, "from here in Orlando, no less." She tilted her head. "Besides, ours are fur-lined and they don't make noise. Where did you get those and why did you give them to Annabelle?" drawing gasps from the amazed crowd. She smirked. "Did you *really* think you could get one over on me like that?"

Helena held out her hand in frustration and Annabelle chuckled as she dropped the handcuffs in Helena's outstretched palm. Helena nodded her thanks... only to turn and find Detective Shana Kennian standing behind her scowling fiercely at her.

"I would appreciate the return of my property." Helena smiled sheepishly and handed them over to Kennian with a flourish. Kennian nodded briskly and resumed her seat next to Bornlan.

"That was unexpected," Teresa whispered to her partner. Shana frowned.

"I did not realize that was her intent."

"I'm kinda afraid to ask what you thought her intent was," Bornlan commented, then turned her attention back to Barbara.

Barbara tsked at Helena. "Oh, Sweetheart - you should know better. I'm not the All-Knowing Oracle for nothing. I expect there'll be hell for you to pay later."

"I should be so lucky," Helena said with a grin as ooohs and applause followed Barbra's pronouncement.

************

"M'kay," Dinah said. "We have time for one more object."

Janet looked at Sam, who nodded her agreement. Then she rose and offered a slip of an article to Dinah, who accepted it with a smile and a hand on Janet's shoulder.

"Oracle, I hold in my hand the final object." A beat. "You know you're dying to ask," Dinah teased.

"No I'm not. We already had our elephant, remember?

"Fine," Dinah huffed theatrically. "I'm sure if you just *focus*, Oracle, all will become *clear* and you will have the answer in a *flash*."

"I'm going to have wrinkles from all the focusing I've done tonight," trying to smooth out the lines on her forehead before pressing her fingers to her temple once more.

"And I'm sure Helena will be glad to rub them out for you, Oracle. Now concentrate."

"I am concentrating, Dinah. All I'm getting is 'Printed on Kodak Paper."

"Okay, so what does that tell you?"

"I can only see the back?" causing a ripple of laughter across the room. Barbara smiled in response, then pressed her fingers to her temple and bit her lips in contemplation.

"You hold in your hand a photograph... A very special photograph." Barbara cocked her head and looked in Janet's direction even though her eyes were still hidden by the blindfold. "Are you certain you want me to share this with the audience? Dinah, can you bring Dr. Fraiser to the platform please?"

Dinah frowned but nodded and took Janet by the arm. Janet didn't pull away, allowing the touch as it grounded her after the unexpected shock of Barbara's question. She reached the stage and Barbara motioned her closer, handing the microphone to Dinah. Then Barbara whispered to Janet what she had read. Janet's eyes widened and her mouth dropped open.

"My God," she said loud enough for the room to hear. "That's exactly right!! How did you...?" She shook her head. "No wonder Dinah calls you Oracle - it's true."

Barbara shook her head, but gave her a heartening smile. "The question is - can I share it with the audience?"

Janet looked directly at Sam, who smiled her encouragement, but left the decision to Janet. "Sure," she finally agreed. "I don't think anyone here is going to go running to the Air Force with this... I hope."

"I think we can all keep a secret - right, ladies?" Barbara asked as she brought the mic back up and turned her head towards the audience. Loud cheers greeted her question.

"So," Barbara continued without missing a beat. "Dinah is holding a very special photograph. It's a picture taken a few weeks ago at the Garden of the Gods in Colorado Springs. It's of you and Samantha Carter with your daughter Cassandra on the day she told the two of you that you were going to become grandparents for the first time." Barbara didn't reveal the secret of Cassandra's alien origins, but there was no need nor did she want to. That particular knowledge would be something to contemplate later. For now, the women were whooping and cheering their excitement over what she had seen and shared with them that evening.

She removed the blindfold and took Dinah's hand in her own, allowing the accolades to wash over them. Janet leaned over and hugged her and Barbara stiffened momentarily before briefly returning the embrace. "Thank you," Janet whispered. "You don't know how wonderful it is to be allowed to share our excitement like this. Thank you."

Barbara patted her hand, passing her microphone to Dinah to reset. "I'm glad. It was wonderful news to be able to share. Thank you for letting us." Then Janet led the way down the stage, followed by Dinah and Barbara.

"Well done, ladies," Gabrielle murmured sotto voce as they reached her. "Excellent job!"

"That was astounding. One day, you're gonna have to share your secret," Lucy enthused from the stage as they resettled themselves. "And in the meantime, it's time for Xena to pay the piper. At least Gabrielle gave her more than an hour to prepare, and she gets help besides. So give it up for our singing warriors - Xena and Diana Prince!"

The room was filled with clapping and cheering as Xena and Diana took the stage. This promised to be entertaining at the very least.