CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

Conclusion

"Shawn’s coming, right, Mom?"

"I haven’t talked to her, Lisa, but I left a message on her machine."

That was on Wednesday. Susan had hoped Shawn would come up yesterday so that they could talk, could have some time alone. But perhaps it was better this way. They would hardly have a minute alone today. If she came at all.

"I can’t believe you invited Dad."

"Aunt Ruth insisted. Besides, he’s your father. He should be here." But Susan actually prayed he would not show up. She wasn’t sure she was up to seeing him, not now. Especially not now when Shawn was awakening feelings in her. Feelings she didn’t know she could even have.

"It’s going to be weird, Mom."

"Yes, I know. But I’ll try to be civil to him." She shoved a bowl of chips at Lisa. "Go on out. I’ll bring the dip."

Susan stood at the counter stirring onions into the cream cheese when a light tap on her shoulder brought her around.

"Shawn." Her breath was taken from her as their eyes locked.

"Hey."

Susan intended her hug to be brief, but when Shawn’s arms closed around her, her own tightened. She breathed deeply, inhaling Shawn’s scent.

"I missed you," she whispered into Shawn’s ear.

"I missed you, too."

"Oh God, Shawn, there’s so much we’ve got to talk about," Susan said, her face still pressed against Shawn.

"I know."

They both heard the kitchen door open at the same time and they pulled apart guiltily. Sheri stood staring at them.

"Excuse me, but . . . Lisa wanted me to get a couple of Cokes."

"Of course," Susan said, knowing her face was flushed. Her hands nervously tucked hair behind her ear. "They’re in the fridge."

"I better go say hello to everyone," Shawn said. "And rescue Alex."

Susan only nodded, not trusting herself to speak. She had thought that two weeks would be enough for her to come to her senses. Apparently not.

Shawn left, intending to search out Lisa when Gayle grabbed her arm.

"I want you to meet my husband, Shawn. This is Howard McKenzie."

Shawn shook hands with a man who appeared much younger than Gayle.

"Shawn Weber," she said. "Nice to meet you."

"I’ve heard a lot about you," he said.

Shawn grinned. "Now, Gayle, you’re not spreading gossip, are you?"

Gayle blushed only slightly, but nodded. "Of course." Then she leaned in close to Shawn. "Franklin is here."

"Ruth’s husband?"

"Yes. Can you believe?"

Shawn smiled, but was thankful to be rescued by Lisa.

"You came. I’m so glad." Then she whispered, "So is Mom."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Come on, you have to meet Sheri." Lisa tugged at her arm and Shawn followed.

"I saw her in the kitchen."

"She told me."

"What did she tell you?"

"She said you and Mom were . . . close."

"Close? We were just . . . hugging hello," Shawn explained.

"Uh huh."

"Really."

"Right."

And so it went. Shawn was introduced to all the family, including Ruth’s two children and their spouses. And Franklin. He was not at all what Shawn would have expected. A little on the heavy side with thinning hair, he and Ruth stood several feet apart while they talked. Lisa had been right. These two haven’t had sex in years.

Sheri turned out to be very pleasant, if not a bit shy. It took several attempts at conversation by Shawn before she opened up. Before long, she and Lisa and Shawn were talking like old friends. Mostly they were talking about Lisa’s cousins who kept staring in their direction.

"If you want to keep them from talking about you, you just need to come clean with them," Shawn said. She reached out a hand to stroke Alex, who was a bit nervous around all these strangers.

"Yeah, sure. Mom would shit a brick."

"It’s not like they don’t already know."

Susan came out of the cabin, her eyes searching for Shawn. She found her with Lisa and Sheri, Alex by her side, and she ignored Ruth’s call of her name as she walked over.

"Found someone to talk to?"

"Yes. Actually, we’ve been gossiping about the family," Shawn said.

"Well, they’re gossiping about you, so all’s fair," Susan teased. She finally pulled her eyes from Shawn and turned to Lisa. "Everything okay, birthday girl?"

"I’m just waiting for Dad to show up," Lisa said. "Can’t wait for the reaction that will cause."

"If he shows," Susan said. She had spoken with him only briefly and only about the birthday party. He said he would come, but Susan was not convinced.

"Mom, are you going to be okay if he does?"

Susan looked quickly at Shawn, then away. "Of course, Lisa. I’ll be fine." Then, to Shawn, "I didn’t have a chance to tell you," she explained. "Actually, I don’t know what my reaction will be when I see him."

Shawn tried to ignore the tightness in her chest. "How was it when you talked to him?"

"Strained." Susan’s eyes locked with Shawn’s. "We didn’t talk about . . . anything."

Shawn suddenly wanted to escape. Her feelings had gotten out of hand, she had lost control, and now she would be meeting the husband. And she would watch them together. And she would hear Ruth encouraging Susan to make amends with him. She glanced around her, wondering why she thought she had ever belonged here. Susan had made her feel as part of the family, but she wasn’t really. She was an outsider, always would be.

Susan watched the emotions skirt across Shawn’s face and it hurt her. She could see exactly what Shawn was thinking, could see the look of panic on her face. She reached for Shawn’s hand and squeezed gently.

"Don’t you dare think about leaving," she whispered.

"I don’t belong here."

Lisa spoke before Susan could. "Of course you do." She motioned with her head toward the others. "They are only here because they’re family and we have to invite the family. You’re here because we want you to be here."

"Thank you," she said quietly. "I wanted to be here."

Susan felt Shawn’s hand relax in her own and she squeezed it again. Shawn returned the gentle pressure without hesitation. When their eyes finally met, she saw something in Shawn’s that frightened her a little. She wondered if her own showed the same.

"I missed you," Susan whispered again before looking away. "I’m really glad you’re here."

"Me, too."

"I wish . . . I wish we could be alone. I need to talk."

Their eyes locked and Shawn nodded, ignoring the curious ears of Lisa and Sheri.

"Susan! I think your husband is here."

Ruth’s words hung between them and Susan held on to Shawn’s hand when Shawn moved to reclaim it.

"I’m sorry," Susan murmured.

"I’m fine."

Susan finally stood, ready to face Dave, not knowing what her reaction would be after three months. She needn’t have worried. When she looked into his eyes she felt nothing. No anger. No love. No familiarity. No regrets.

"Hello, David."

"Susan."

He walked to her, but she leaned away when he would have kissed her.

"Lisa’s glad you’re here." How dare he?

"It’s good to see you, finally. Perhaps we’ll have a chance to talk."

"I don’t think there’s a whole lot to say."

"Hi, Dad."

Lisa’s hug was sincere, at least, Susan thought.

"Happy birthday, honey. Thank you for inviting me."

Susan noticed that Lisa did not take credit for the invitation. Then Lisa was drawing Dave away and Susan sighed with relief. But it was short-lived. Lisa was taking Dave to meet Sheri and Shawn.

Shawn swallowed nervously. She hadn’t really had a mental picture of David, he was just a name. But she would never have guessed him to be this man walking toward her. Tall, with dark hair just beginning to gray, he was a handsome man. Lisa had his dark hair and eyes.

"Dad, this is my friend, Sheri. And this is Shawn, Mom’s friend." Then, as if realizing how it sounded, "My friend, too."

As soon as Shawn met his eyes, she knew that Ruth had filled him in. His eyes were nothing but suspicious. But Shawn squared her shoulders and shook his hand.

"Shawn Weber," she said. "Nice to meet you."

"I’ve heard a lot about you," he said.

"I’m sure you have."

**************

Susan filled yet another pitcher, preparing to make frozen daiquiris again. As the ice blended, she felt eyes on her and turned to find Shawn leaning casually against the wall.

"Did you sneak off?" Susan teased. "I noticed Mother had you cornered."

"She loves to gossip."

"Yes, I know."

Shawn shoved away from the wall and stood by the bar, waiting until Susan faced her.

"I don’t have to stay here tonight. I can find a spot in the forest to put up my tent." Shawn’s offer was only half-hearted, but she felt she needed to make it. "I thought you might be more comfortable if I wasn’t around."

"Why would I be more comfortable if you weren’t around?"

Shawn opened her mouth to speak, then closed it again. She suddenly felt childish. And presumptuous. As if her mere presence affected Susan in some way.

"Or maybe you would be more comfortable?" Susan asked. She didn’t know where this conversation was leading and she felt out of sorts. She wanted nothing more than for everyone to leave so she and Shawn could have some time. They needed to talk. They needed to talk about what was happening between them. She wasn’t going to ignore it any longer.

But Shawn shrugged. "I don’t know what I want."

Susan gripped both of Shawn’s hands. "Well, I do. I want you to stay here. Dave is leaving. Ruth’s kids are leaving. Ruth and Franklin are leaving. There will only be Mother and Dad and Lisa and Sheri staying tonight. We’ve got to talk." Then Susan’s voice faltered. "I need . . . I want to spend some time with you, Shawn. I missed you more than I should have. We need . . .we need to talk about this, Shawn."

The door opened quickly and Susan dropped Shawn’s hands and turned back to her blender. Ruth’s eyes missed nothing.

"Thought you might need some help with the drinks," Ruth offered. "But I see you have help."

"I’m through, actually," Susan said, choosing to ignore Ruth’s comment.

"I think Lisa’s waiting on you to open gifts."

Lisa’s grin was not that of a twenty-year-old as she eyed the gifts around her.

"You shouldn’t have," she said, then laughed. "But that’s the whole point of birthday parties, right?"

Shawn sat away from the group and watched this ritual that she had never enjoyed as a child. She was thankful that Lisa and Susan had included her after all. She was especially thrilled by the surprised look on Lisa’s face when she opened Shawn’s gift.

Their eyes met across the deck. "Is this what I think it is?" Lisa asked, holding up the two tickets.

Shawn nodded and was rewarded with a quick hug around the neck. "There will be women for days," Shawn whispered.

Lisa laughed. "Got one. I’m just going for the music."

"Sure you are."

Susan watched this exchange with pleasure. Lisa was so comfortable with Shawn. Susan knew that if Lisa ever needed anything, Shawn would be there for her. Shawn had become a part of their family. When Shawn looked up, Susan was still watching and their eyes met. Susan smiled and Shawn did the same. Then Susan looked away, aware of Ruth watching them.

Then Dave came and pulled his chair next to Susan’s and she had to force herself to stay seated. The day had grown much too complicated. She felt Ruth’s eyes on them. And Mother’s.

"Are we going to get a chance to talk?" he asked.

"Not today. Not here," she said. "Besides, what can you possibly say to me?"

"I’m sorry?"

Susan laughed. "Oh, that’s rich, Dave."

"You can’t really want a divorce, Susan. We’ve got twenty years we’re talking about."

"And one blonde. Or have there been others?" At one time, the answer to this question had been very important to her. Now, it was simply a question. The answer no longer mattered.

"I don’t have an excuse, Susan. It just happened. I never wanted to hurt you."

"And as long as I didn’t know about it, I wasn’t hurting, is that it?"

"I don’t want to end our marriage, Susan."

He sounded so sincere and Susan wondered how she would be responding if he had said that three months ago. Even two months ago.

"Dave, our marriage ended a long time ago. I just don’t think either of us knew it." Then her eyes softened. "You’ll be getting papers soon."

"Susan, I still love you," he said softly. "Don’t do this."

She didn’t have the heart to tell him she no longer loved him. A part of her wanted to say the words, wanted to hurt him. But she knew it would serve no purpose.

"Dave, I’m not the same person that left three months ago. I doubt you would even like me very much."

"I know you’ve changed. Your hair, your clothes," he said, really looking at her for the first time. "You look younger, Susan."

"Well, we know you prefer them young." The words were out before she could stop them.

"I deserved that," he said. "I deserve all of this, I know. Lisa can barely stand to talk to me on the phone, let alone take the time to have dinner with me."

"She’s hurt, too, Dave. Give her time."

He leaned closer, his voice low. "Who’s the girl?"

"Sheri?"

"Yes. Ruth has some crazy idea that they’re . . . well, that the girl is . . . influencing Lisa. Ruth’s words."

"Influencing her?" Damn Ruth. "Dave, if you’re trying to say what I think you are, don’t. This certainly is neither the time nor the place for that. Besides, Lisa is all grown up. Whatever is going on in her life is none of our business."

"How can you say that?" he hissed.

"If she’s happy, then we should be happy. Look at her. When have you ever seen her like this?"

"Her last birthday?"

"You know what I mean." She watched Lisa as she went through her presents, her eyes sparkling. And when she looked at Sheri, it was joy in her eyes. And love. Susan turned her gaze to Shawn, but Shawn’s eyes were on Lisa.

Dave’s eyes followed hers. "Who’s your friend?"

"Shawn? I thought you met her," she said. No doubt Ruth had filled him in on Shawn as well.

"She’s certainly different from your usual friends." Then he looked pointedly at her. "Ruth seems to think you may be in some sort of danger."

"She’s a good friend. The only danger I seem to be in is from Ruth’s gossiping. And frankly, it’s not anyone’s business but my own."

"Susan, surely . . .."

But his statement was cut short by Lisa. She squatted down beside his chair.

"Thanks for the check, Dad. Really, it was too much," she said.

"You’re only twenty once, right?"

"Right. But with all you’re paying for school . . .."

"Lisa. It’s your birthday. Just say thank you, okay?"

Lisa nodded and turned her eyes to Susan. "Why don’t I help you with the burgers, Mom?"

"It is that time, isn’t it. Thanks."

Susan put an arm around Lisa’s shoulder and whispered, "Thank you."

"You’re welcome." Then she grinned. "But you were holding your own, right?"

"How could you tell?"

"Because he didn’t look too happy."

"I’ll tell you about it later," Susan promised. "Maybe you need to rescue Shawn instead of helping me," Susan suggested.

"Actually, I think she and Sheri went to get a beer."

***************

It was well after burgers that they took their leave. Dave included. He had chatted with Ruth and Franklin as if nothing had happened. The only one that was even the least bit cool toward him was Mother, Susan noted. That surprised her.

She found Shawn sitting on the steps of the deck, smoking in the dark. Alex was lying peacefully at her feet, tennis ball tucked between his legs. Susan did not bother to put on the light.

"May I join you?"

"Of course."

Shawn put another cigarette between her lips. Susan watched as she held her cigarette to the tip and inhaled, lighting the second one. Shawn handed it to Susan, then leaned back against the railing.

"It’s been a long day," Susan said unnecessarily.

"Yeah."

"I haven’t had a chance to ask about your weekend," Susan said.

"My weekend?"

"In San Francisco. Your date," Susan explained.

"Oh, that." Shawn had nearly forgotten. Rebecca had not crossed her mind all week.

Susan didn’t think Shawn was going to answer. She wasn’t even sure that she wanted her to.

Shawn considered lying. She considered telling Susan that the date had been great, that Rebecca had stirred things in her, that Susan was in no danger. But one look into those blue eyes and she was lost.

"I wanted to like her. I wanted to sleep with her," Shawn said. She saw Susan’s jaw clinch, but she continued. "I tried to sleep with her."

"What happened?" Susan whispered. She ignored the ache in her chest.

Shawn stared out into the dark forest, wondering what Susan wanted from her. Wondering how much Susan could give.

"We left the bar and went to her apartment," she said. "I tried. I . . . I just didn’t feel anything. So I stopped." Shawn shrugged. She couldn’t very well tell Susan that it had been thoughts of her that had made her stop.

They sat there in the shadows in silence, then Susan took Shawn’s hand. It was warm and her fingers closed around it.

"I’m glad you stopped," she whispered. "I couldn’t bear to think of you with . . . someone else."

Their eyes held, then Shawn looked away and Susan heard her sigh, could almost see the struggle within her. When Shawn looked back at her, Susan drew in a nervous breath. Shawn’s eyes hid nothing.

Susan’s glance dropped to Shawn’s lips and they parted for her as Shawn’s breath was expelled. Without thinking, Susan drew Shawn’s hand to her lips and she felt Shawn tremble at her gentle kiss.

Again their eyes locked and Susan felt her heart as it pounded against her chest. It was too much for her.

"Why are we fighting this?" Her whispered question hung between them.

"Susan . . . you can’t want this."

"I know. I’ve told myself that over and over again. I can’t possibly want you like I do. I can’t be feeling what I’m feeling." But she gripped Shawn’s hand tighter. "I do feel it, Shawn. And I’m so scared."

"Please don’t be scared. I would never . . . force things."

"Maybe I want you to force things," Susan whispered. "It’s all I can think about."

"Susan . . .."

But they drew apart at the sound of the door opening.

"Hey, guys," Lisa called. "Everything okay?"

"Just catching up," Susan said, dropping Shawn’s hand, hoping Lisa had not seen them.

"Mind if I join you?"

"Of course not," Shawn said. She chanced another glance at Susan, then moved closer to the railing, giving Lisa room to sit.

CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX

Susan couldn’t sleep. The sofa felt lumpy, soft. She rolled over and tried to get comfortable but her eyes were drawn to the window. Shawn’s tent was right outside. What would Shawn do if Susan suddenly appeared? Would she send her away? Or would she welcome her inside?

She would never know. She simply didn’t have the courage to take that first step.

Lisa could have no idea what she interrupted, but Susan and Shawn did not have another moment alone. Before she knew it, everyone was getting ready for bed and Shawn had disappeared. Susan could think of no excuse to go to her, so she simply made her bed on the sofa and tried to sleep.

**************

Shawn couldn’t sleep. Why are we fighting this? Why, indeed? Because it’s the only sensible thing to do?

If Lisa hadn’t chosen that moment to come outside, Shawn was certain she would have bared her heart to Susan. Even now, she could feel Susan’s lips against her hand, hear her sharp intake of breath, and see the desire in Susan’s eyes.

But what did it mean? The attraction that had grown was threatening to overtake them both. She knew Susan couldn’t possibly be ready for a relationship such as this. She wondered if Susan had even considered the consequences should they take this to another level. And how sure could Susan possibly be about her feelings? She’s had tremendous change in her life recently. Her whole world has been turned upside down. A relationship of this kind could only add to her problems and Shawn didn’t want to be the one to do that.

No. She had to maintain her hold on their friendship. It had to stop there.

She rolled over again, willing the sun to rise and put an end to this miserable attempt at sleep.

**************

Susan paced in the darkness, her eyes drawn again and again to the lonely tent visible outside her window. It would be so easy. But then what? Talk? She didn’t want to talk. She wrapped her arms around herself, thinking she had lost her mind completely. What she was thinking was insane. She and Shawn had developed a special friendship. Why risk that? Shouldn’t it be enough?

No. Susan couldn’t put words to what she was feeling but it wasn’t enough. She didn’t want to label this. She didn’t consider herself to be gay. There had never been a time when she had contemplated being with another woman sexually. She could honestly say that it had never even crossed her mind. No. It wasn’t that. It was just Shawn, the person. It didn’t matter that she was a woman.

Susan had the door opened before she could stop herself. It was only when she stood at the zippered door of the tent that she acknowledged the nervousness that was about to swallow her.

"Shawn?"

Silence. Then she heard Alex at the door, tail thumping against the side of the tent. The sound of the zipper was unusually loud to her ears and she nearly panicked. It wasn’t too late. She could still run back inside.

"Susan? What’s wrong?"

Susan stood, unmoving, speechless. Then she swallowed down the lump in her throat, finding her voice.

"Nothing. Everything. I can’t sleep."

Shawn stood, bare legs and feet glowing in the soft light of the moon. She ran fingers through her hair to straighten it as Susan watched.

"Do you want to talk?" Shawn finally asked.

"Talk?" Susan smiled nervously. "That’s not exactly what I was thinking a minute ago."

"Susan . . . you don’t know what you’re doing."

"We can talk this to death, Shawn. It won’t change what I’m feeling. What I think you’re feeling, too."

Shawn let a nervous sigh escape. Then she reached out a hand and gently touched Susan’s face.

"I would give anything to be alone with you, to not have company," she said, motioning to the cabin. "If we were alone . . . we’d be in your bed right now making love," she finished in a whisper. "Is that what you want?"

Susan swallowed nervously. Yes. She knew they would be and yes, it was what she wanted. Her hand trembled as she took Shawn’s, their fingers entwining. Her breath came quickly and the pulse pounding so loudly in her ears left no room for thoughts. She took the short step that brought her face to face with Shawn.

She watched Shawn’s eyes drop to her lips and she silently begged for Shawn to kiss her. She thought she might very well go mad if she didn’t.

"Please don’t hate me for this," Shawn murmured.

"Never."

Susan felt Shawn’s hands tremble as they cupped her face. Susan’s eyes slid shut when she felt Shawn’s warm breath on her mouth. Then soft lips gently claimed her own, so lightly that Susan thought she must have imagined them. But she didn’t imagine the quiet moan that escaped Shawn. Then Shawn’s lips were there again, harder this time and Susan’s own parted, opening to Shawn, her moan mingling with Shawn’s as she pressed her body closer still.

She wasn’t prepared for this, she realized. Her senses reeled and she thought she was going to faint when Shawn’s wet tongue grazed her lips, wanting entry. Fire. Every inch of her body was on fire and for one moment, she let herself go, let her lips part, accepting Shawn’s tongue as her mouth closed around it.

But at last she pushed Shawn away as she struggled to breathe. Her heart was pounding so hard she felt near collapse and her fingers gripped Shawn’s forearms.

"I’m sorry," Shawn said immediately.

"No . . . it was my fault. I didn’t know what . . . I didn’t know how it would be. I’m sorry," she finished as she ran back inside, her hand clutching her throat as she labored to breathe normally.

Normally? She felt like she’d just run a marathon.

CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

"A walk sounds like a wonderful idea," Gayle said. "What about you, Howard?"

"I suppose I could manage a short one."

Susan’s eyes collided with Shawn’s. She wondered if Shawn was thinking the same. Let everyone go on a walk and make up some excuse to stay behind. They desperately needed to talk about last night. Shawn’s eyes were full of questions, much like her own, she supposed. But Lisa was already urging Shawn out of her chair.

"You look like you hardly slept," Lisa said. "What’s the deal? Mom looks pretty bad herself."

Susan had hoped no one would notice. She had not slept, not even for a second. She had relived the precious moments by the tent over and over again until the soft light of dawn settled on the cabin. And she was totally exhausted now.

Shawn didn’t miss a beat. "But you look like you had a . . . nice night. Hmm?"

Susan thought Lisa actually blushed. Sheri left the room immediately. Susan turned scarlet. Shawn grinned.

Alex led the way through the woods. They agreed the trail to the Ranger station would suit all of them. They started single file, but soon, Susan and Shawn found themselves lagging behind. Their eyes met often, questioning, their arms brushing as they walked. Their steps slowed until the others were out of sight.

It was more than Susan could bear.

"Shawn?" Her voice was a plea.

"I know," she whispered.

They stopped walking altogether, their gazes locking. It was with great effort that Shawn kept her hands clinched at her sides. Susan’s eyes beckoned her and when she dropped her gaze to Susan’s lips, she heard Susan draw breath, heard her nearly whimper.

Both their chests were rising, falling with each breath. Shawn had no idea where the others were. She didn’t care.

"Please," Susan whispered. She had no clue as to what she was pleading for. She was oblivious to her surroundings. There was only Shawn.

"Last night . . . you ran from this."

"Last night . . . I ran from myself. I can’t fight this, Shawn. It’s all I can think about."

Shawn reached out a trembling hand and tucked a stray curl behind Susan’s ear before touching her cheek. Then she slid her hand behind Susan’s neck, drawing Susan deeper into the woods. Their eyes locked again.

"Please." Susan wasn’t sure she even spoke the word this time.

The hand Shawn reached out was trembling. Her thumb touched Susan’s lips and the look in her eye made Susan’s heart pound even harder. Her lips closed around the tip of Shawn’s thumb and this time she wouldn’t let her pull away. Her tongue drew Shawn inside, but only briefly. With a low growl, Shawn pulled away, but her look was searing.

"Kiss me," Susan begged.

Then Shawn’s mouth was there, claiming Susan with a fire she had never known. Her lips parted and Shawn’s tongue went inside, demanding entry, and Susan’s lips closed over her.

Hands on her hips pulled their bodies flush and Susan felt unfamiliar wetness flood her as Shawn cupped her hips, holding her close, molding their bodies together.

Susan was finally able to move and her hands slid up Shawn’s arms, moving over strong shoulders. She pressed herself firmly against her, their bodies fitting together perfectly. She whimpered when Shawn drew her mouth away.

Their breathing was ragged and Shawn buried her face at Susan’s neck, lips unable to be still.

"Susan, I don’t know what you want from me." Her voice was hoarse with desire.

"Don’t you?"

Susan’s fingers curled into Shawn’s hair, bringing Shawn’s mouth to hers once again. That was all it took. She found herself pressed against a tree, Shawn’s body molding itself to her own as a strong thigh found its way between her legs. Susan was nearly delirious with desire and she let the fire rage unchecked. When Shawn’s hands covered her breasts, she knew she was moaning, but she couldn’t stop. And she couldn’t stop her own hands as they tugged Shawn’s shirt from her shorts, seeking the hot skin underneath.

"Hurry," Susan breathed into Shawn’s mouth.

Shawn tried to stop. She told herself this was insane, but Susan’s tongue drove out all thought. Susan’s flesh was hot to her touch and her hands moved to Susan’s breasts, knowing once she touched them, she would be lost. Hands slipped easily under her bra and she touched soft flesh, her thumbs raking lightly over taut nipples. She wanted her mouth there and sanity fled. She shoved Susan’s T-shirt higher, exposing small breasts to her greedy eyes.

"God, yes," Susan moaned. She guided Shawn, bringing that warm mouth to her breasts. Her legs very nearly gave way as Shawn’s lips closed over an aching nipple, sucking gently at her breast.

"Mom? Shawn?"

Lisa’s voice penetrated Susan’s desire, but she groaned when Shawn pulled away. They stood, both breathing as if they’d run a race, their eyes wild.

"Susan . . .."

"I want you," Susan whispered. "Don’t you dare say you’re sorry."

"I’m not sorry." Then, if only to make it real to her own ears, "I want to make love to you."

"We’ve got to get alone, Shawn. I’m going to go insane if we don’t."

"I know. I want that, too."

"Mom?"

They stepped apart at last. Susan pointed to Shawn.

"Your shirt."

"Yours, too."

They quickly tucked shirts back into shorts, their eyes separating only briefly. Alex found them before Lisa and they walked back on the trail just as Lisa rounded a corner.

"What happened?" Her eyes fixed first on her mother, then on Shawn.

"We were . . . we thought that . . .."

Shawn’s eyes were steady as she looked at Lisa. "We saw some deer. We were trying to get a closer look."

"Uh-huh, I see. Deer." Lisa stared at her mother for a long moment before clearing her throat. "Grandma thought something might have happened."

"No. Nothing happened," Susan said evenly.

Lisa looked from Susan to Shawn and back again. "Well, are you coming or what?"

Susan dared to look at Shawn and a faint grin appeared on both their faces. She was relieved.

But they followed Lisa along the trail, this time taking care to keep their distance.

*****************

"It’s been a great weekend, but I’ve got to get going." Shawn felt Susan’s eyes on her, but they had not had a chance to even talk, much less have a moment alone. It was better this way. If she stayed, they would both regret it tomorrow, she was certain.

"We better think about leaving, too," Gayle said. "Oh, but it has been relaxing." She turned and spoke quietly to Shawn. "Perhaps because Ruth hasn’t been here."

"Gayle!" Shawn said in mock protest.

"Oh, she can be so uptight sometimes."

"What are you two whispering about?" Susan asked.

"Nothing, dear. Just commenting on what a great weekend it’s been. Your father needed this."

"Yes. He does look relaxed." But Susan’s eyes were on Shawn. "You’re leaving?"

"Yeah."

Susan wanted to ask her to stay a little longer. At least until everyone else left. They needed to talk. So much had happened between them this weekend and they hadn’t had a chance to talk about it. Not really. But then what? As she’d said earlier, they could talk it to death, it wouldn’t change what was happening between them.

"Shawn, thanks again for the tickets to the musical festival. We’ll enjoy them," Lisa said.

"I hope so." Shawn rested her hand on Sheri’s shoulder briefly. "It was nice to meet you. I hope I’ll see you again."

"I hope so, too. Maybe we could have dinner during the week."

"Sure. Call me. Lisa’s got my number."

"I’ll walk you out," Susan offered.

It wasn’t until they reached Shawn’s truck that they allowed themselves to speak.

"Shawn, I don’t want you to leave."

"I can’t stay, Susan. If I stay . . .."

"I want you," Susan whispered. "I can’t fight this anymore. I don’t want to fight this."

Shawn didn’t answer. There was no need to. She pulled Susan into her arms, their bodies pressing together intimately. Neither cared who was watching.

Susan pulled away first, her lips barely avoiding Shawn’s. "Don’t go. Please?"

"I’m scared," Shawn admitted.

"You’re scared? I’m the one fumbling around in the dark here."

"I don’t want . . . I don’t want to lose what we’ve got, Susan. I’ve never had anybody . . . a friend . . . like you. If we stop this now, if we forget about what happened . . .."

"Don’t you dare." Her voice was but a whisper. "Don’t you dare come into my life, make me feel like this about you, make me want you . . . and then say forget about it. Don’t you dare do that to me."

"I didn’t want this, Susan. I wanted a friend," Shawn insisted.

"You’ve got a friend." Susan gripped Shawn’s arms tightly, her blue eyes penetrating. "But when I close my eyes at night, it’s you I see, you I want. I imagine your hands on me. I imagine touching you that way," she whispered.

"Don’t do this to me." Shawn’s voice was ragged, husky with desire.

"I never thought I’d be begging another woman to make love to me," Susan murmured. She finally let go of Shawn’s arms. "Run from this, then," she told her. "I’m the one that should be running, you know. I should be scared shitless, but all I can think about is being with you."

Shawn shook her head, fighting with herself for what she wanted to say, what she wanted to do. Susan had no idea what she was asking. She had no idea how much her life would change. But Shawn knew. And she also knew that Susan would hate her eventually. Everything in her life would change and it would be all Shawn’s fault. There would be no going back.

But those eyes. Shawn looked into them and she very nearly gave in. To hell with it, she wanted to say. Just take what she’s offering you. You want it, you know that. You’ve wanted it for so long now. The war raged within her, until Susan finally turned away.

"Goodbye, Shawn. Come up when you’re ready to talk."

Shawn could barely take a breath, but she slammed the truck door with finality. It was best this way. They were friends. That was enough.

CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

Susan moved from the bed to the sofa. She thought she had known loneliness. She thought she had known heartbreak. She had thought it could not possibly get any darker than when she had found Dave in her bed with another woman.

But the pain that tugged at her heart now was nearly too much for her to endure. Had she ruined a special friendship? Had she pushed Shawn too far? Had she misread Shawn?

No. Shawn’s eyes revealed much too much. Susan could read her every expression. Apparently, Shawn was better at fighting this desire than Susan had been. She had caved, actually. One look into Shawn’s eyes, one touch. That was all it had taken. Susan had been ready to abandon her life for one night in Shawn’s arms.

But then what? What did she know about it? And why now? Wasn’t it enough to deal with Lisa? How could she possibly consider a relationship . . . a sexual relationship . . . with another woman, when her own daughter was struggling with her sexual orientation?

But that’s just it. Lisa wasn’t really struggling anymore. She had accepted it. Now it was Susan’s turn to wonder if it was just Shawn, or was it women? Or was it Dave? Could her marriage to Dave and its outcome have pushed her to this?

If anything, it was simply Shawn. Susan had felt drawn to her from the moment they met. She had no business inviting a complete stranger for dinner that first day. And they certainly had no business being friends. They were from two different worlds. But there was just something about Shawn, something that drew her. And once they had gotten past the barriers, everything else had just fallen into place.

Even now, as disheartened as she was feeling, just the thought of Shawn’s eyes, her face, her presence, warmed Susan. She didn’t want to think about the stolen moments in the forest or by the tent, the few minutes when they had actually let go, when they had let their passion have full reign. When Shawn had finally allowed her true feelings to show. And how close had they been? When Shawn’s mouth settled over her breasts, Susan nearly fainted. She knew that Dave had never once, in all their years together, driven her to the edge like that. She had never lost control with Dave. Never.

But that was Sunday. And on this Wednesday afternoon, Susan was no closer to forgetting Shawn’s touch, her kiss, than she had been Sunday night.

CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

Alex struggled to keep up as Shawn ran full speed. Every day, she ran. She ran as fast as she could. But no matter how fast she ran, she could not outrun Susan. She was there; her eyes, her face, her voice. Oh God, and her touch.

Shawn’s feet slowed. She was lost. Lost in remembering. She finally stopped, bent over at the waist, hands resting on thighs as she struggled for breath. Alex squatted beside her, his tongue hanging out as he, too, struggled to catch his breath.

"Sorry, buddy," she muttered.

The walk back to the house was slow, automatic, Shawn oblivious to her surroundings, her mind simply focusing on Susan. Susan had left the ball in her court. It was Shawn’s choice. All she had to do was go to her. If she dared.

She shuddered at the thought. She would be lost. One touch from Susan and she would be lost. And then what? Would that be enough for her? Would that be enough for Susan?

CHAPTER THIRTY

Maybe because it was a Thursday, but Susan was surprised by the slamming of the car door. She walked out the front, her feet stopping of their own will when she saw Shawn standing hesitantly beside her truck. Susan’s heart clutched and she felt a nervous tightening in her chest. She came. At last.

Their eyes met and nothing could have prepared Susan for what she felt at that moment. Her throat threatened to close and she drew a trembling breath. There could only be one reason for Shawn to be here. And Susan knew without a doubt that this was what she wanted. Desperately.

Shawn stood motionless.

Susan walked down the steps slowly, her eyes never releasing Shawn’s.

Shawn opened her mouth to speak, but coherent thought left when Susan stopped in front of her. It was the eyes. They looked into her very soul and Shawn felt stripped of her defenses, exposed. There was no place to hide and she knew that Susan could see everything.

"Come inside." Susan finally spoke, but her voice was but a whisper.

"We should . . . we should talk," Shawn murmured weakly.

"Later. Come inside." Then, when Shawn drew a nervous breath, Susan whispered, "Please?"

Susan saw the softening of Shawn’s eyes and quickly took her hand, leading her into the cabin. They both ignored Alex, shutting the door in his face.

Susan listened to her own breath as it was quickly expelled from her chest. Shawn stood before her, jogging shorts leaving little to the imagination as Susan’s eyes locked on firm thighs. She forced her eyes higher, higher still and finally settled on Shawn’s face. She watched in fascination as Shawn’s lips parted, the tip of her tongue coming out to wet dry lips. When their gazes held, Susan saw all her desire mirrored in Shawn’s eyes.

"I want this," Susan breathed.

Shawn still could not speak. Her throat tightened as she imagined touching Susan, as she imagined Susan making love to her. She felt her own wetness against her thighs and knew she was dangerously close to losing control.

"Please say yes," Susan whispered.

Shawn couldn’t say no. She pinned Susan against the door, molding her body flush to Susan’s, then parting Susan’s legs with one thigh. She moved to capture her lips, then stopped, her eyes locking with Susan’s.

"Please be sure of this," she begged.

It was Susan who closed the distance between them. Mouths parted and tongues met and all control was lost.

Shawn moaned into Susan’s mouth when she felt Susan’s warmth against her thigh. She pushed harder against her, meeting the rocking of Susan’s hips.

Susan trembled, finally drawing her head away far enough to breathe. Their chests heaved and eyes locked. Susan opened her mouth, wanting to suggest the bedroom, but Shawn silenced her again when soft lips met her own.

Shawn told herself to go slow. Susan would need her to go slow. But the burning ache inside of her could hardly wait and she wanted to take Susan right there. She wanted her fingers inside Susan, she wanted to hear her cry out. She pulled her mouth away from Susan’s, breathing deeply, trying to slow down, but Susan’s hands came to her, driving out all thoughts of patience.

Susan tugged Shawn’s shirt out, then pulled it over her head in one motion. She needed to touch flesh. But she nearly fainted. Shawn wore no bra. She sucked in her breath at the lean sight before her, then moaned deep in her throat as Shawn came toward her.

Shawn didn’t stop until her hands gripped Susan’s hips and pulled her close against her. Susan threw back her head in surrender and Shawn’s mouth found her throat, her lips gently sucking, teeth nipping.

"Shawn," Susan breathed. "Please," she begged. For what, she didn’t know. She pressed her hot center against Shawn’s thigh, shuddering at the sensations this caused, feeling her own wetness soak her shorts.

Shawn lost control instantly. With one hand, Susan’s shorts were discarded. The other hand knew no patience. Their eyes locked together as Shawn’s fingers slid into Susan, letting warm wetness envelope her.

"Shawn," Susan groaned, her voice deep, husky, strange to her own ears. With each thrust of Shawn’s hand, Susan’s hips rocked against her, her arms pulling Shawn close as she held on.

Shawn’s fingers curled, plunging deep, reaching the very center of Susan. She felt muscles contract, a tightness around her fingers. She heard Susan’s ragged breath in her ear, heard her name being whispered over and over.

"Come on, let go," she urged Susan. "I’ve got you."

With her thumb, she rubbed against Susan, once, twice, finding her swollen, ready. Then her fingers were engulfed in wetness, her hand dripping as powerful contractions shook Susan’s body. Shawn thrust into her one last time, meeting the force of Susan’s hips as they urged Shawn deeper.

The cry that came from Susan sounded foreign to her own ears. A primal sound, it came from deep in her chest, then her knees gave way and she clutched at Shawn, burying her face against Shawn’s neck.

"I’ve got you," Shawn murmured.

Susan didn’t speak. She wasn’t sure she could form words. She simply let Shawn hold her as her breathing slowed. Finally she drew back, daring to meet Shawn’s eyes. She gasped again as Shawn slowly pulled her fingers away.

"I’m sorry," Shawn said softly. "I didn’t want it to be like that. Not the first time."

Susan’s hand was trembling when she touched Shawn’s face. "And what was wrong with that?"

"I wanted it to be . . . so slow," Shawn said seriously. "I wanted the first time to be . . .."

Susan put two fingers to Shawn’s lips to silence her. "I think that was what we needed just then." Then her voice softened as her hands slid down, moving over Shawn’s bare shoulders. "We’ve got all day, you know."

CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

Shawn tried to be patient. She wanted Susan to experience exactly what it could be like to be with a woman. But Susan lay naked before her, her arms open and she drew Shawn to her, her mouth as hungry for Shawn as Shawn was for her. Shawn settled her weight on top of Susan, lying gently between Susan’s parted thighs.

Shawn’s kiss was so gentle, so soft, that Susan sighed, simply enjoying the light pressure of Shawn’s mouth. She savored every kiss, every brush of Shawn’s tongue against her lips. Shawn was true to her word. Slow. But it was a slow torture, Susan thought. When Shawn lifted her head, Susan saw Shawn’s barely controlled desire. She knew it wouldn’t take much to push Shawn over the edge, but she lay still, waiting for Shawn’s touch. Then Shawn moved her legs, straddling one of Susan’s thighs, pressing her wetness against Susan’s leg and Susan groaned loudly, wondering who was pushing whom over the edge. She wanted to touch her, feel the wetness with her fingers, but Shawn moved again, her hot mouth searching, finally finding Susan’s breast. When lips closed over her aching nipple, Susan gasped. The sensations were nearly too much for her to bear, but she forced her eyes open, watching as Shawn’s mouth covered her. When Shawn lifted her head and locked eyes with Susan, the tenderness that Susan saw brought tears to her eyes.

"Shawn . . ."

"You’re so beautiful, Susan," Shawn whispered. "Just let me love you."

Susan’s breath caught and she whimpered as Shawn’s mouth returned to her breast. So gentle . . . she had never been loved this way before.

Shawn tried desperately to keep the pace slow, but her mouth grew hungry and Shawn devoured Susan, first one breast, then the other. She ignored the ache between her own thighs, her only concern to please Susan. Shawn moved her hand between them, feeling the wetness, not knowing if it was her own or Susan’s. Then she slid through Susan’s folds, letting the wet silk coat her fingers. Susan tried to press against her, but she pulled away, bringing her hand up, inhaling deeply, the scent of Susan’s arousal stirring her desire even more.

Susan watched as Shawn brought fingers to her own mouth, licking Susan’s juices from them, then bending to kiss Susan, letting her taste herself.

"Jesus, Shawn . . . please," Susan begged. Their eyes locked again and again she whispered, "Please." She wasn’t sure what she wanted, she only knew she wanted it.

At the look in Susan’s eyes, Shawn wanted to bury her head between Susan’s thighs and never come up, but she drew in a nervous breath.

"Watch me," she breathed, then slowly moved down Susan’s body, aware of blue eyes on her as her tongue wet a path to a much warmer, wetter place.

"Shawn."

It was just a whisper but it echoed between them and Shawn raised her head, eyes colliding with Susan’s as Susan watched her every breath.

Shawn lowered her head again and Susan trembled, watching as Shawn’s mouth moved over her again. It was difficult for her to breathe and Susan tried to concentrate on each breath but she couldn’t ignore the sensations below as Shawn moved between her thighs. Her hips raised instinctively, searching for Shawn’s mouth, and finally her eyes slid closed when she felt Shawn’s hands glide up her thighs, urging her legs apart.

Shawn’s fingers inched their way up Susan’s thighs. She breathed deeply, the scent of Susan’s arousal causing her breath to catch. Unconsciously, her tongue wet her lips, anticipation making her heart pound in her chest. Susan’s soft hair glistened, the evidence of her arousal spreading to her thighs. Shawn groaned, her hands spreading Susan even more.

"Sweet Jesus," Susan gasped when Shawn’s hot mouth finally found her. It shouldn’t have felt so new, so different. But when Shawn’s tongue slid into her, she threw her head back, her mouth opening in a desperate attempt to draw breath. Surely, it had never felt like this.

Shawn slowed, her mouth moving away from Susan, kissing her inner thighs now as she ignored Susan’s whimper, ignored the thrust of her hips as Susan searched for her. Susan was too close to climaxing and Shawn was not nearly ready for this to end.

"Don’t stop," Susan begged. Her voice was a ragged plea.

"Open your eyes," Shawn commanded softly.

It took all of Susan’s strength to obey, but finally blue eyes looked into brown.

"You have the most beautiful eyes," Shawn murmured.

Susan tried to smile. "Now is not the time to compliment my eyes."

"No?"

"No."

Shawn held Susan’s eyes captive as she slowly moved her hand over Susan’s thigh, fingers moving into damp curls before stopping.

Susan’s moan was soft, quiet, but her hips thrust forward, trying to urge Shawn into her. When her eyes would have closed again, Shawn stopped.

"No. Don’t. I want to watch you as you climax," she whispered.

When Susan locked eyes with her again, Shawn thrust her fingers inside, feeling Susan close around her, watching as her eyes turned an even deeper blue. Susan’s chest heaved, but her eyes remained glued to Shawn’s. Then Shawn pulled her fingers away, moving through silky wetness. Her fingertips stroked Susan lightly, her own desire nearly reaching the breaking point when Susan surged against her.

"Shawn," she gasped.

"Look at me," Shawn begged.

Eyes locked together as Shawn touched Susan again, fingers stroking against swollen flesh. Her hand moved faster, trying to match Susan’s rapid breathing, trying to keep pace, then Susan’s hips pushed hard against her hand. Shawn still held her eyes, watching as Susan finally let go. She heard her named screamed from Susan’s lips, saw blue eyes turn nearly black, but Susan never pulled her eyes away.

Her orgasm hit with such force, Susan was certain she would pass out. But she opened herself to Shawn, her eyes hiding nothing as she climaxed.

The trust that Shawn saw in Susan’s eyes nearly brought tears to her own. At the last possible moment, she thrust her fingers inside, feeling Susan take her in, watching as Susan’s eyes finally failed her, sliding shut as her mouth opened to emit the sweetest scream Shawn had ever heard.

As Susan screamed Shawn’s name, she knew she had never truly climaxed before. She felt her body pulsing against Shawn’s hand, felt her wetness run down her thighs, soaking the sheets. Then Shawn’s mouth was on her again, sucking her intimately inside, tongue moving over sensitive flesh, tongue delving inside her and Susan screamed as a second orgasm shook her.

Shawn quickly straddled one of Susan’s thighs, her legs trembling as she pressed her hot center hard against Susan’s leg. The release she craved came immediately. Her hips rocked against Susan, each thrust bringing her closer until she gasped, breathing Susan’s name as orgasm claimed her. She had been so ready, she knew it wouldn’t take much.

Susan wanted to touch Shawn, but her hands wouldn’t obey. Then when Shawn had straddled her, when she felt Shawn’s wetness against her thigh, she tried to push against her as Shawn sought her own release. But Susan found she couldn’t move. She didn’t even have the strength to open her eyes. Even when Shawn whispered her name, when she felt the younger woman trembling against her, when she felt Shawn’s weight finally settle on top of her, still Susan remained paralyzed.

"Hey."

"Mmmm." Susan managed a smile. It was the last thing she remembered.

CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO

Susan opened lazy eyes, then caught her breath at the sight before her. Shawn lay on her back, sheet barely pulled to her hips. Susan’s greedy eyes explored every inch of bared skin, lingering over smooth, round breasts. She imagined herself pushing that sheet away, exposing all of Shawn’s secret places, but her hands remained still.

She didn’t know how to make love to a woman.

But Shawn knew. And Susan now knew what an earth-shattering climax was. She felt herself grow warm, aware of her heart beating a little too fast. Her eyes traveled to Shawn’s face, to lips slightly parted. Her breath caught as she remembered watching that mouth move over her, waiting for the tongue that would soon find her.

She swallowed loudly. She wanted Shawn that way. She wanted to feel Shawn tremble beneath her lips. She wanted Shawn to watch as Susan’s mouth took her.

The hand Susan reached out was trembling, but her fingers lightly brushed across Shawn’s breasts, watching in fascination as Shawn’s nipples hardened. With a quiet groan, Susan opened her mouth, wanting . . . needing to feel them with her tongue. Her lips closed over one erect nipple and she was lost. Her mouth opened wide, taking more of Shawn inside as she gently suckled her. When her tongue raked across the taut nipple, she heard Shawn sigh. She looked up guiltily, meeting brown eyes dark with passion. She lifted her head, embarrassed.

"Don’t stop," Shawn whispered.

Susan went back, feasting again on the offered breast. She leaned over Shawn, taking the other breast into her mouth, sucking softly on the hard peak. Then Shawn’s hands urged her up, pulling Susan close. Susan eased her weight on top of Shawn, eyes locking together as Shawn opened her legs, making room for Susan.

Flesh on flesh, Susan settled against Shawn, finding her mouth waiting. Shawn lay still, letting Susan take the lead. Susan traced Shawn’s lower lip with her tongue, finally moving inside, mating with Shawn’s tongue before pulling out again.

"I don’t know what to do," Susan finally murmured.

"Yes you do," Shawn whispered.

"Show me."

Their eyes locked but neither of them moved.

"Please . . . show me what to do."

Shawn’s eyes softened. She took Susan’s hand and guided it between their bodies, pressing Susan’s fingers against her.

"Touch me."

Susan wasn’t prepared for the warm sensation that her fingers encountered. She moaned as she glided into the wetness that was Shawn. Shawn’s fingers guided her own, sliding over swollen flesh, finally pushing into hot wetness.

"Shawn?"

"Go inside me," Shawn murmured. She pressed two of Susan’s fingers against her, urging them inside.

Susan gasped as warm wetness enveloped her fingers.

"Oh, Shawn," Susan breathed, unable to pull her eyes from Shawn’s dusky ones.

Shawn’s hips rose slightly, pushing against Susan. She sighed when Susan pulled out, only to go back inside her again.

"I want . . . I want to . . .." Susan stammered, but she stopped, embarrassed. How did she tell Shawn that she wanted her mouth on her?

Shawn’s eyes found Susan’s and held them.

"Tell me what you want," she whispered. "Talk to me."

Susan pulled her eyes away. She was in over her head, she realized. What did she know about making love to a woman? How was she ever going to please Shawn?

"Tell me."

With Dave, there were never words spoken. It was simply a physical act that he performed. They didn’t talk about it. But Shawn was different. She expressed herself with words and actions. She expected Susan to do the same.

She took a breath, her eyes sliding up to Shawn’s breasts, lingering on the nipples that were taut and ready for her. When she raised her eyes higher, Shawn was there, watching her, her eyes cloudy with desire.

Susan was aware of her fingers still inside Shawn, of the wetness surrounding them and she longed to have her mouth there. She wanted to taste Shawn.

"Tell me," Shawn whispered again.

"I want my mouth . . . on you," Susan finally managed.

Shawn’s hands reached up and gently stroked Susan’s face, her mouth lifting in a lazy smile.

"Don’t be afraid. I want you to do whatever you want to, Susan. I’m all yours."

"I’ve never . . .."

"Shhh . . . just do what you feel."

Susan saw such total trust in Shawn’s eyes that she lost all her fear. She slowly pulled her fingers from Shawn, sliding her hands up, cupping Shawn’s breasts, rubbing her wet fingers across her nipples. She dipped her head, her tongue following where her fingers had been, circling a nipple, tasting the sweetness that was Shawn. She groaned, her mouth opening, sucking a soft nipple inside. She wanted more. Much more.

Shawn watched this woman at her breast, feeling whole for the first time in her life. She surrendered totally and she knew her heart was lost. She watched as Susan left her breast, leaving soft kisses as she moved down her body. Only in her dreams had Shawn ever imagined the intense emotion she was feeling now. Making love took on a whole new meaning. Sex was an act she had performed many times. But she knew in her heart that this was the first time she had really made love.

Without thinking, she reached out a hand to touch Susan, lightly caressing her hair, bringing Susan’s eyes back to her own. She couldn’t form the words but she was certain her eyes spoke for her. Susan’s own gentled, turned a darker shade of blue.

Susan’s breath caught. Shawn’s eyes said more than any words ever could. She took the hand that was curled in her hair, bringing it to her lips before locking fingers together, gripping Shawn’s hard as she lowered her head, kissing the warm, flat stomach before her. She slid her body lower, laying between Shawn’s legs as her sweet scent drifted to her. She was lost.

She felt, rather that saw, Shawn’s hips rise to meet her mouth. Eyes opened, yet unfocused, her mouth moved to Shawn’s wetness and she groaned with the intimacy of it. Her tongue glided through velvety softness, finding Shawn swollen, ready. Lips closed, gently sucking Shawn inside, letting the quiet sounds Shawn made guide her. Instinctively, her body took over, her thoughts pushed to the back of her mind as her hands moved over Shawn’s thighs, pushing her legs more firmly apart, opening Shawn to her greedy mouth.

She heard Shawn’s voice, murmurs trying to penetrate her senses, felt hands in her hair, holding her close, felt the hips that rose up to meet her, pushing against the tongue that would not still. Trembling flesh under her hands, Susan held Shawn tight against her, feeling the first tremors of the younger woman’s orgasm. She buried her face, feeling drugged, knowing she would never get enough. She was dimly aware of Shawn’s ragged breathing, then one quick thrust of hips against her mouth and Shawn’s breath expelled in a deep moan and she slowly relaxed her body, going limp against the bed, fingers still threaded in Susan’s hair.

Susan lay quietly, face resting on the smooth thigh beneath her, and she couldn’t resist the lazy smile that formed. Wow.

Shawn’s laugh was gentle. She pushed the hair away from Susan’s face, tucking it behind both ears in a playful manner.

"I’ve dreamed of your mouth on me."

"You have?"

Shawn raised her eyebrows teasingly and grinned.

"When I finally allowed myself to, yes. This past week, I’ve thought of little else."

Susan crawled up Shawn’s body, snuggling securely against her, listening to her breathing as it slowed back to normal.

"I was so afraid I had ruined things between us, Shawn. I wasn’t certain you would even come back . . . after the way you left."

"I ran."

Susan smiled against the soft shoulder. "Yes, I know."

Shawn cleared her throat. They had so much to talk about, she wasn’t sure where to begin . . . or where they went from here. More specifically, where Susan wanted to take this.

"This is new to me," Shawn finally said. "I’m not sure what happens now."

"What do you mean?"

"I don’t know what you want from me."

Susan pulled away, needing to see Shawn’s eyes. She was surprised at the uncertainty she saw there. But she had her own questions. What did Shawn want from her?

"Shawn, I’ve had tremendous changes in my life recently and I did a lot of thinking this week. About Dave and Lisa . . . and you. I thought that what I was feeling for you was just an extension of the friendship we’d formed." She touched Shawn’s face gently before continuing. "At least, that seemed the logical answer. It was the safest answer, anyway. I didn’t want to think that my whole life had been a lie. But I couldn’t put this . . . this attraction I have for you in the proper category. You’re a friend, certainly. But what I feel for you has grown into much more than friendship."

She sat up, pulling the sheet with her and wrapping it around herself. She struggled with words, not wanting to frighten Shawn . . . or herself by what she was feeling. But what had just happened between them made it all so clear to her. She was falling in love with Shawn, a woman. And she had no doubt that if she were still with Dave and she and Shawn had met and had started a friendship, she would still be falling in love with her, despite her marriage.

But Dave wasn’t a consideration any longer. She was free, at least emotionally, to explore this new relationship and all it entailed. She just wasn’t certain Shawn was ready to do the same.

"I guess what I’m trying to say is I don’t know how far you’re willing to take this, Shawn. Is this all you wanted? One day together? Or what?"

Shawn swallowed the lump in her throat. This, she was not expecting. And how far was she willing to risk her heart? It didn’t matter anymore, did it? Susan had already stolen her heart.

Shawn slowly removed the sheet covering Susan. Her hand trembled only slightly as she reached out and cupped one of her breasts, lightly rubbing her thumb over the nipple. Before she could stop herself, her lips replaced her thumb and she left gentle kisses in their wake.

"I want much more than one day, Susan," she murmured.

CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE

Shawn told her not to fuss too much with dinner, but actually Susan was starving. She smiled, knowing exactly why she was soravenous. She finished seasoning the steaks then put them back in the fridge. The potatoes were already baking in the oven and she paused at the back door, watching Shawn on the step as she threw the ball to Alex, cigarette hanging loosely in her mouth, beer bottle shoved between her legs. Then she grinned. Lucky beer bottle.

Shawn turned, as if sensing her watching. Their eyes met and smiles appeared. Then Shawn motioned with her head for Susan to come out.

"You’re fussing, aren’t you?" Shawn accused.

"Steaks. I’m starving."

Shawn raised her eyebrows and laughed. She had gotten there at mid-morning and it was now after six. They had pulled themselves out of bed at four but their shower had turned into more and they had ended up in bed once again. Even then, Shawn would have been content to stay just where she was, arms wrapped around Susan as she snuggled against her.

But they had time. No sense trying to cram a lifetime into one day.

Susan eased down beside her and her hand found Shawn’s thigh, rubbing lightly against her skin.

Shawn felt her skin tingle where Susan touched and she wondered if she would ever tire of that gentle touch.

"You okay?"

Susan leaned her head against Shawn’s shoulder and sighed contentedly.

"I feel wonderful, Shawn." Then she lifted her head. "You?"

"Yeah. It’s almost like a dream, really. I can’t believe . . .."

"That this happened between us?"

So many things Shawn wanted to say but she kept quiet. If Susan knew the depth of her feelings, it would surely send her running.

"Can I tell you something?" Susan asked quietly.

Shawn nodded.

"Today has been the most emotionally fulfilling . . . satisfying day of my life. My whole life, Shawn. I can’t even begin to tell you how I feel right now. There aren’t any words." She leaned her head against Shawn again, feeling her warmth. "I don’t know what’s going to happen, Shawn. I don’t know if I’m going to wake up and think I’ve lost my mind or if I’m going to wake up and think finally, I’ve found what’s been missing all these years."

Shawn remained quiet, letting Susan voice her thoughts. At least she was able to voice them. Shawn wouldn’t know where to begin.

"What I’m trying to say is, no matter what, I want you in my life . . . I need you in my life. This feels so right to me, Shawn."

"When it’s just the two of us?"

"Yes. But I don’t know how I’ll be around the family . . . around Lisa. God, can you imagine her reaction?"

"I think she already knows," she stated.

Susan jerked up.

"What?"

"She’s not stupid. She just went through this herself. Susan, she practically caught us in the woods that day."

Susan remembered Lisa’s questioning eyes. And later, after Shawn had left, Lisa had watched her, had seen her withdraw from everyone in Shawn’s absence.

"I don’t know that I’m ready to face that, Shawn," Susan admitted. "So much has happened this summer. I can’t imagine telling my family, my daughter, that you and I are . . . lovers."

Shawn wrapped an arm around Susan and drew her close, lightly kissing her.

"You don’t have to tell anyone, Susan. This is just between us. Whatever happens, it’s just between us."

A part of Susan wanted to yell it from the treetops, telling all what she’d discovered about herself, about the joy Shawn brought to her. Another part wanted to bury it deep inside and keep it hidden from knowing eyes.

"Is that what you want, Shawn? For it to be just between us? For no one to know?"

"Susan, you’ve been married to a man since you were nineteen. This kind of change in your life . . . it’s more than I can comprehend. Whatever we do, it’s for you. If today was a mistake, well, we made it together. Whether we can go back now, I don’t know."

Susan reached up and kissed Shawn on the mouth.

"I don’t want to go back, Shawn. I just don’t know how far forward I can go right now."

CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR

Saturday morning found them lounging on the deck in the sun, Susan still clad only in the long T-shirt she had slipped on earlier. Breakfast dishes littered the kitchen, but the sun had beckoned, so they took the last of the coffee outside with them.

Susan rolled her head lazily to the side, only to find Shawn watching her. She smiled as she glanced at their lightly clasped hands and she squeezed gently.

She wasn’t used to this, Susan admitted. Physical affection was something she and Dave had lost years ago and even then, it was usually reserved for the bedroom. But she found she sought out Shawn’s touch, thrilled by the intimacy of simply holding hands.

"Feel like a hike today?" Shawn asked.

Susan laughed. "I guess we should try to get out of the house, huh?"

"Yesterday was nice," Shawn commented.

Susan nodded. "It was fabulous, actually."

"You’re okay with this, right?"

Susan smiled at Shawn’s question, one she’d heard numerous times over the last three days. Their relationship had changed, sure. But it was a welcome change. The friendship they’d formed was still there. Their teasing banter over Alex was still there. And they could still talk for hours, only now, a lot of that talking took place in the bedroom with them wrapped around each other, touching . . . always touching. Susan found that when she was near Shawn, her hands wouldn’t keep still. They moved over her soft skin with a will of their own, as if they were meant for that purpose alone.

"I’m happy, Shawn. I haven’t been happy in so many years, I really didn’t expect it now, either. Not like this, for sure."

Shawn nodded. They’d talked about their relationship, about how her family would react if they knew, but she didn’t really think that Susan had thought past this weekend. There was no problem when it was just the two of them, but she was anxious to see what Susan’s reaction would be around others. That would be the true test to how much Susan had accepted this new relationship and all the changes it involved.

"You’re worried I’m going to freak out, aren’t you?"

Alex heard the car before they did. He sat up and was heading around the corner of the cabin by the time they heard the door slam.

Oh, Jesus! Susan dropped Shawn’s hand, conscious of the panic settling over her but unable to contain it.

"Susan . . . calm down. Just act natural."

Anxious eyes turned to Shawn. Act natural? She nearly laughed. She didn’t know what natural was anymore.

"I’m not . . . prepared, Shawn. Jesus! Why can’t they leave me alone?"

"Susan . . .."

But her words were cut off as Alex led Ruth . . . and David around the cabin. Shawn let out her breath slowly. Ruth, they could handle. But David?

Oh God.

"Well, fancy finding you here so early this morning," Ruth said, her smile as forced as Shawn’s and Susan’s.

But Shawn refused to be baited. She stood, thankful she had at least bothered with shorts. The same couldn’t be said for Susan.

"Good morning, Ruth . . . David," she said evenly.

Susan finally found her voice, extremely conscious of her state of undress. She stood, too, resisting the urge to pull her long T-shirt down lower around her knees.

"I do have a phone, you know. It would be nice if you called occasionally, just to let me know to expect company."

"You wouldn’t think your own husband would have to call," Ruth said sarcastically.

"Ruth . . .." Susan warned, but turned eyes to Dave. "What is it?" she asked.

"I wanted to talk. If we’re not intruding on . . . anything, that is."

Susan glanced quickly at Shawn, seeing a strength in her eyes that she, herself didn’t feel. Then she squared her shoulders and lifted her head. She had nothing to be ashamed of. She was an adult. Whatever she did was her own business. Not Ruth’s and certainly not Dave’s. Not anymore.

"You’re not intruding, I just wasn’t expecting company," Susan finally said. "We’ve finished breakfast."

Dave nodded.

"Can we talk for a minute? In private?" he added after a quick look at Shawn.

"Of course," she said. "Let’s go inside."

Shawn watched them go, seeing the uncertainty in Susan’s eyes and feeling powerless to help her. Instead, she turned to Ruth.

"I’d offer you coffee, but we finished the pot."

"I’m sure you did," Ruth said flatly. "You’re here early this morning."

"Yes." Shawn didn’t feel the need to clarify.

Ruth turned on her quickly.

"Don’t think I don’t know what’s going on," she spat. "Susan’s vulnerable. I can’t believe you’d take advantage of that! And after she’s invited you into the family, made you a part of it."

"And what exactly do you think is going on? Wild sex?"

Ruth’s mouth dropped open.

"She is practically undressed," she said quietly. "What do you expect me to think? What do you expect her husband to think?"

Shawn drew a deep breath, wondering how far to take this conversation with Ruth. It was really Susan’s place to tell her, not Shawn’s. But she couldn’t let it go. What was happening with Susan had nothing whatsoever to do with Ruth.

"Susan’s a grown woman, Ruth. She’s not your little sister that needs protecting, you know. She makes her own choices."

Ruth laughed. "And you think she’s chosen you? You aren’t even from the same world, Shawn. She’s high society, Country Club material. You’re nothing more than a street person, living in a tent. Whatever you’ve done to . . . influence her will pass. She used you to get to Dave . . . disgusting as it may be." Then she smiled. "I’m sure you got your little jollies, though."

"Do you even know what you’re talking about, Ruth?"

"Oh, you are such a child," Ruth drawled. "Why do you think Dave is here? They are going to reconcile. Don’t be so blind," she said.

"Reconcile?"

"She didn’t tell you that they’ve been talking? Of course not. Why would she?"

Shawn shook her head, knowing Ruth was lying. She had to be. Surely Susan would have told her. Wouldn’t she?

"She’s going back to Fresno, Shawn. It’s time to face up to that. Summer camp is over. Maybe you should just leave now so there won’t be an embarrassing scene when she comes out with Dave. She’s been through enough, you know."

Shawn looked around, not wanting to believe the words Ruth was saying but finding no reason why she would so blatantly lie. She tried one last time.

"She’s filed for divorce, Ruth. She’s not said anything about changing her mind."

"Please. Have you seen papers? Dave hasn’t," she said.

CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE

Susan glanced at the dirty dishes in the kitchen and moved on into the living room with Dave following silently behind her. He had no doubt received the divorce papers. She wished he had just called. Whatever he had to say surely didn’t warrant a trip up the mountain . . . and with Ruth tagging along for protection.

When she turned to him, his eyes weren’t on her but on the room and he turned a circle, taking in the once familiar room.

"I used to love to come up here," he said. "It was a great escape from the office. We used to come up practically every weekend, didn’t we?"

"We did. It was an escape for me, too. I was the one stuck at the house all week, you know."

"Yes, I know." Then he shrugged. "The last few years, though, there just didn’t seem to be enough time. There was always something going on and the business, well, I had to work a lot of weekends to keep up."

Susan nodded, remembering the endless business dinners and clients, and the many weekends she spent alone. Now she wondered how many of those weekends he really spent with clients on the golf course or at the office catching up on paper work. How many were spent with young blondes?

"It’s been at least five years since we’ve come up here on a regular basis, Dave." She sighed and spread her hands. "But I’m sure you didn’t come here to reminisce."

"No." Then he sighed, too. "I got the papers. I was shocked, actually. I didn’t think you’d go through with it, Susan. We haven’t really talked about this, you know. You took off, came up here and I’ve seen you one time since then. Don’t you want to at least talk about this?"

"Dave, why would you want to continue our marriage? You’re not in love with me and I’m not in love with you. You want to go back to living together like we were? Why? Because it was familiar? Because I was there to take care of the house and your dinner parties?"

"It’s not like that, Susan. I do still love you. I know we had problems and most of them were my fault. I wasn’t around enough, I didn’t take you out, just the two of us. That can change."

"Why would that change? Are you going to quit working? Are you going to suddenly tell clients that you can’t play golf with them on Saturdays because you’re taking your wife out?"

"You’re not even willing to give me a chance, are you?"

"I wasn’t happy, Dave. Not in a lot of years. Going back to that and having you tell me that you’ll be around more is not going to change anything." She sighed heavily, holding his eyes. "We never talked, Dave. Do you realize that? And the only thing we had in common was a daughter. That’s not enough."

"So? Just throw twenty years away, just like that?"

"It’s not just like that, Dave. Do you think this is just a rash decision because I found you in our bed with a . . . young girl?" His face flushed at her words and she knew that was what he thought. That nothing else mattered, just that he was caught cheating. Well, she knew one way to drive home her point.

"Come with me," she said quietly, leading him to the back of the house and the bedrooms. "I’ve had company the last few days. Shawn’s been here." She opened the door to the guestroom, which was impeccably neat. He looked inside then back at her and shrugged.

She turned to her bedroom, the door standing open, the crumpled bed and scattered clothes all in full sight. And not just her clothes.

"I’ve discovered some things about myself this summer." She looked up and met his eyes. "And I’ve fallen in love with someone."

"Shawn?" he whispered, disbelief evident in his voice.

She nodded.

"You’re not saying . . . that the two of you . . .." he muttered, his hand pointing to the room.

"Yes. She’s been here since Thursday."

"Jesus. This isn’t who you are, Susan. Why? Just because I . . .."

"Why? I don’t know why. I only know how I feel, and this feels right, Dave." She clutched at his arm, making him face her. "It’s not anything you did, please don’t think that. I’m just . . . it’s almost like I’ve been waiting for her all my life."

"Susan, listen to what you’re saying," he pleaded.

"I am listening, Dave. I don’t think you are."

"You’re not a goddamned lesbian!"

"I’m in love with another woman," she said quietly. "I’m having a sexual relationship with another woman. Label it however you want."

"I can’t believe I’m hearing this," he said. He shoved both hands into his pockets. "Ruth hinted that this was happening. I should have listened to her. I just couldn’t believe it."

Susan laughed bitterly. "It’s not Ruth’s concern. If she would spend half as much time worrying about her own life, maybe she could find the courage to change things with Franklin."

"Susan . . . please. I know you haven’t thought this through. What about your mother? What is she going to think?"

Susan smiled. "You know, I don’t think Mother will have a problem with Shawn. And knowing Ruth, she’s probably already warned her. And I think Lisa will be okay, too."

Dave laughed sarcastically. "Of course. Like mother, like daughter."

"Don’t you dare!"

"What? Has Ruth been lying about Lisa, too?"

"Whatever is happening with Lisa has nothing to do with me. I’ve not discussed this with her at all. Lisa is all grown up, Dave. You have to deal with this."

"Jesus Christ! I can’t believe this is happening! Not to Lisa . . . and certainly not to you."

Susan stared at him for the longest. She was at a complete loss for words and she very nearly felt sorry for him. Even the picture of him in bed with the blonde couldn’t change that. But she didn’t know what to say to him.

"I’m sorry, Dave," she finally murmured. "But I’ve got to do what’s right for me. I can’t be concerned with everyone else right now." And she knew it to be true. For so many years, she had put everyone else first in her life. Now it was time for her to live her own life, on her own terms.

His stared back at her, finally nodding.

"Okay. You’re right. I’ve just got to deal with this. And with Lisa. It’s just such a shock. I just never thought . . . in a million years . . . that you would do this."

"I know. Thank you for at least trying to understand. It’s not you, Dave. It’s me. And it’s Shawn. And this is right for me."

He motioned out the door with a toss of his head. "You better go rescue her. There’s no telling what Ruth’s been saying."

CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX

Susan was surprised to find Ruth alone on the deck. There was no sign of Shawn or Alex.

"Where’s Shawn?"

Ruth shrugged. "She left."

"Left? What do you mean?"

"I mean, she got in her truck and left," Ruth said slowly.

"What did you say to her?" Susan demanded.

"Nothing."

"Nothing? She wouldn’t just leave, Ruth." Susan grabbed Ruth’s shoulders hard and squeezed. "What did you say to her?"

Ruth looked from Susan to Dave, her eyes wide. "I told her . . . I may have indicated that you two were getting back together."

"What?" Susan’s voice was but a whisper but Ruth’s eyes widened even more.

"I did it for you, Susan. She’s nothing but trouble. Don’t you see that?"

Susan pushed Ruth away forcibly. She clinched her hands at her sides, wanting nothing more than to strike Ruth.

"I’m so goddamned tired of you interfering in my life. You had no right. No right!" she yelled. "What I do with my life is none of your goddamned business!" Susan ran both hands through her already rumpled hair in complete frustration. "You have no idea what’s going on, Ruth, so stay out of it."

"No idea? I’m not blind! She’s trying to seduce you . . . convert you. God only knows what happened here last night. It’s not too late, Susan," Ruth pleaded.

Susan gave a humorless laugh. Too late? It was far too late for her to reclaim her heart.

"Ruth, I’m in love with Shawn. And it is too late. I’ve just spent the two most wonderful nights of my life with that woman. And you’re wrong. She didn’t seduce me. I seduced her."

Ruth gasped, putting a shaky hand to her chest.

"My God, you’ve completely lost your mind. What do you think Mother is going to say?"

This time Susan did laugh.

"I’m not a child, Ruth. I don’t care what Mother says." She tapped her own chest. "This is about me. Not you, not Mother and not Dave."

Ruth looked to Dave for help. "Can’t you talk some sense into her?"

Dave shook his head. "She’s right, Ruth. It’s not our business."

Ruth raised her hands. "So now what? You’re going to be with her? You’re going to do God knows what with . . . her? You’re sick! You need professional help! I can’t believe you’re throwing your life away for that . . . that slut. It’s no wonder your daughter turned out this way."

Susan raised her hand and slapped Ruth before she even had a chance to think. But Ruth’s gasp and shocked expression hardly mattered. She would do it again.

"Get out," she said quietly. "And the next time, wait for an invitation before you just come up here unannounced."

Ruth stood there, stunned. She finally turned and left without another word. With a weary sigh, Susan turned to Dave.

"I’m sorry," he said. "But you know Ruth. She thinks she has to control everything. She’s always done that to you."

"I know. I appreciate you trying to understand this, Dave. I know it must be very hard for you."

"I feel like this is all my fault. I was so wrong for what I did. I should never have done that to you. No matter what, Susan, I just want you to be happy. You deserve it."

"Thank you."

He nodded. "Well, I’ll take the papers to Richard on Monday. I hope you know I’ll be fair with this. You’ll get your half of the house, the business."

"Yes, I know." Then she looked around, her eyes going to the cabin, then the forest. "I want this place, Dave. Work it into my share of the house?"

He nodded again. "I’ll be in touch. I hope you’re able to explain to Shawn what happened here today."

"Me, too."

CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT

Shawn drove blindly down the mountain, trying to make sense of what had happened. Part of her knew it couldn’t possibly be true. Not after the last few days, anyway. Susan would never use her to get to Dave. Susan was one of the most honest people she knew.

But that other part of her said that the last few days were too good to be true, that a woman like Susan would never be able to make a life in a relationship like this.

And Ruth! Shawn pounded the steering wheel with both fists. She would have liked nothing better than to slap that smug, know-it-all look off her face.

Alex licked her face and whimpered. She stroked his head then accepted another wet kiss.

"I know. I’m a mess. But we’ll get through this."

CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE

Susan tried Shawn’s number one more time, again listening to the endless ringing before her machine picked up. She’d already left several messages and she didn’t think one more would help. Instead, she called Lisa.

"Mom?"

"Glad I caught you. Are you busy?"

"Busy? I just got up."

"It’s nearly noon, Lisa!"

"And you’re calling to check on my sleeping habits?" she asked around a yawn.

"Sorry. Actually, I was wondering if you’d heard from Shawn." Now the test. How much to tell Lisa?

"No. She’s not up there with you?"

A pause. "She was. She left."

"Did you have a fight or something?"

Another pause. "Something. Ruth and your father showed up. She left before I could talk to her and now I can’t find her."

"Did you try her cell?"

"I’ve tried every number I have, including work. Lisa, I don’t know where she lives. And I’m still at the cabin. Do you think you could swing by her place?"

It was Lisa’s turn to pause. "Mom, what’s going on?"

Susan closed her eyes. Telling Dave, Ruth, that was one thing. She wasn’t ready to tell Lisa. She wasn’t ready to face that.

"I just . . . need to talk to her. If you don’t have time, don’t worry about it."

"I’ll go over there. I just wish I knew what the hell was going on. Why was Dad up there?"

Susan sighed. "He got word on the divorce. He wanted to talk about it."

"Oh? And?" she pushed.

"And what? We talked."

Lisa paused. "And that’s why you’re upset?"

"No, damn it, it’s not," Susan snapped. "Ruth told Shawn that your father and I were getting back together. She took off and I can’t find her."

"I see. And are you?"

"Getting back together?" Susan nearly laughed. What, exactly, would Lisa’s reaction be if she knew how her mother had just spent the last three days? "No, Lisa. That’s one thing I’m very sure of."

"Mom, do you . . . do you want me to come up there? Do you need to talk?" Lisa asked hesitantly.

Susan grabbed the bridge of her nose and rubbed, her eyes squeezed shut. Lisa wasn’t stupid. She should have realized that Lisa would be able to read through her words.

Susan took a deep breath and wiped at an errant tear.

"Oh, Lisa," she whispered. "I’m the mother here, you know."

"We can still talk. I’m not blind, Mom. I know that you and Shawn . . . well, I could see that something was going on."

"What?"

"Can’t you just tell me?"

Susan sobbed and clutched the phone tighter.

"Mom?"

"It just happened," she whispered. "I don’t know when, I don’t know why. But Shawn . . . Shawn came into my life and . . .." She couldn’t say any more. Tears closed her throat completely.

"It’s okay, Mom. Why don’t I come up there? We can talk," Lisa suggested.

"You are all grown up, aren’t you?"

"Working on it," Lisa said. "I’ll swing by Shawn’s place first, okay?"

"Okay, honey. I love you, you know."

"I love you, too."

CHAPTER FORTY

Shawn was halfway to San Francisco before she came to her senses. She pulled over on the side of the road and sat staring ahead, both hands still clutching the steering wheel.

Why was she running? Was it really because of Ruth’s words? Or was she simply running from Susan and the feelings that had consumed her? Feelings that she knew would cause her more hurt than anything else in her entire life ever had? Feelings that she doubted Susan could ever return?

"Alex, what are we doing?"

But he sat patiently on the seat, head cocked to one side as he watched her.

Was she willing to give up, go back to her solitary life and pretend she had never met Susan? Pretend that she had not fallen hopelessly in love for the first time in her life? Was she willing to let Susan leave her life as if she had never been in it?

She knew in her heart that Susan would not intentionally use her and she also knew that the last few days weren’t staged so that Susan could get back at David. Susan wouldn’t do that to her. She pounded her fists against the steering wheel again. She should have waited to talk to Susan, she shouldn’t have listened to Ruth. But, as Ruth had said, Susan had been hurt enough. She hadn’t wanted to add to it by hanging around and waiting for the final blow.

"You are so blind sometimes," she muttered. "Jesus!"

She waited for a break in traffic then turned the truck back towards Fresno. She wouldn’t run. If Susan had decided that this was a life she couldn’t live, then so be it. But she would hear it from her own mouth. Not Ruth’s.

CHAPTER FORTY-ONE

Susan heard the car and her breath caught. For one second, she thought perhaps it would be Shawn but her nerves told her it would be Lisa. And she had to face her. What would she say to her? How would she explain?

Lisa knocked once on the door before opening it. Their eyes locked. Then Lisa raised her eyebrows.

"You okay?"

Susan let out her breath.

"No."

Mother and daughter embraced and Susan let her tears flow, clutching Lisa to her. How had it come to this?

"Tell me what happened," Lisa finally said.

Susan pulled away, embarrassed. What could she say? How could she possibly tell Lisa all that had happened to her this summer?

She simply shrugged. The truth would be best.

"I’m in love with her," she whispered.

Lisa nodded. "I know. She’s in love with you, too."

Susan’s eyes widened.

Lisa smiled gently. "Mom, I’ve been around you two enough. I could tell what was going on. Deer? Really! You think I’m a child?"

Susan blushed and ran both hands through her already unruly hair. She had forgotten that Lisa had nearly caught them that day in the forest.

"I don’t know what to say," Susan admitted. "It just happened. We had become so close and I . . . I had these feelings I didn’t quite know how to deal with. It’s not her fault, Lisa," she said quickly. "I pushed her, I think. I went to her first."

"Do you think I’m judging you?"

"I don’t know what to think, Lisa. I don’t know how I’m supposed to act, what I’m supposed to do. I don’t know what you’re thinking right now."

"What I’m thinking? What does that have to do with anything?"

"I’m your . . . mother."

"So you can’t be human? Mom, I know you haven’t been happy. I lived in the same house with you, remember?" Then Lisa lowered her eyes. "I just never would have suspected this."

"And you think I did?" Susan asked incredulously. She was pacing now and Lisa stopped her with a gentle tug on her arm.

"Mom, are you sure this isn’t just a reaction to Dad?"

Susan met her eyes. "At first, yes, that’s exactly what I thought and I wasn’t about to do that to Shawn. But the feelings were too strong and I couldn’t keep a lid on them anymore. The attraction was there and it wouldn’t go away, no matter what I did. Shawn tried to fight it, too. It wasn’t like she pushed me into anything, Lisa. In fact, she tried her best not to let it happen. Last Sunday, I begged her to stay with me, but she wouldn’t. She ran from it." Susan stopped, remembering the look in Shawn’s eyes as she told Susan she was scared. "But she came up Thursday, she said we should talk." Susan smiled and felt a light blush cross her face. "I didn’t want to talk," she said quietly. She shyly met Lisa’s eyes. "I’ve never felt so incredibly alive in all my life, Lisa."

Lisa only nodded.

"I told your father. When he wanted to talk about getting back together, I told him."

"I bet that threw him," Lisa laughed.

"No doubt. He and Ruth both blamed me for how you turned out," she admitted.

"What? But that has nothing to do with it," Lisa insisted.

"I know, honey. I . . . I slapped Ruth."

"Mom? You didn’t?" Lisa put both hands on her face then burst out laughing. "God, I wish I could have seen that."

Susan laughed, too. "It felt pretty good, actually. Years of frustration went into that slap. But I have no idea what all she told Shawn. She only admitted to hinting that we were reconciling. And Shawn had enough doubts about my feelings and . . . intentions that she bolted, I guess. She probably didn’t want to stick around and wait for me to tell her."

"So, you do want to see Shawn again?" Lisa asked hesitantly. "This wasn’t just a one-time thing?"

"My life is in complete turmoil, winter is coming and I have no home, I have no idea what I’m going to do with my time . . . but the one thing I am sure of, Lisa, is Shawn." She covered her mouth, her eyes staring into Lisa’s. "I’m in love with her. A woman. And I want to be with her and I don’t give a damn what the rest of the family says."

She burst into tears again before Lisa could speak and she accepted the tentative arms that went around her. Her daughter.

"I’m sorry," she cried. "But I don’t know what to do."

"Mom, please don’t cry," Lisa pleaded. "Everything’s going to be fine."

"Fine? She’s gone. She probably went to San Francisco. She’s got friends there. She’s got some woman there that she’s been out with," she sobbed. "She probably went to her."

"No. Shawn wouldn’t do that. She’ll be back."

Susan tried to gather herself, wiping at the tears still running down her face. She was a mess and she hated Lisa seeing her this way.

"I’m sorry," she said again.

"Will you stop with that? Mom, you’ve always been there for me, no matter what. Don’t push me away when I can be here for you."

Susan stared at Lisa for a long time, finally nodding. She was right.

"Okay. I’m just . . ."

"Stressed."

"Embarrassed," she corrected.

"Embarrassed? Why?"

"I’m your mother and I’ve just admitted to having a lesbian relationship."

"Oh good God! Will you get over it? It’s not like it’s foreign to me, you know."

Susan actually laughed and Lisa joined in.

"Thanks for coming up here. It means a lot to me, Lisa."

"You’re welcome. Now, do you feel like cooking?"

"Cooking? Are you hungry?"

Lisa smiled. "Well, I slept late, as you know. Missed breakfast and lunch."

"Burgers? I could probably manage that."

"That would be great."

CHAPTER FORTY-TWO

Shawn drove slowly along the mountain road, her nerves finally getting the best of her. What if Dave was still there? What would she do?

"Turn around," she said out loud.

She had stopped only once, that to let Alex out to run around a bit. She was tired and hungry but she had to see Susan. She had to know for sure what was going on.

She turned onto Susan’s road, wondering if this would be the last time. Her heart clutched painfully for a moment when she saw another car there, then her eyebrows raised when she recognized that it was Lisa’s car.

She had half a mind to keep driving but Alex wagged his tail excitedly, knowing exactly where they were and she pulled in beside Lisa’s car and parked.

CHAPTER FORTY-THREE

"Was that a car?" Susan asked.

She was just clearing away their plates from the picnic table and she glanced nervously at Lisa.

"Yes, I think so."

"Shawn?"

"Do you want me to go see?"

"Yes. And you probably don’t want to be around to witness the yelling," Susan added. They had talked over burgers and Susan had gotten angrier by the minute. Shawn had left without giving her the chance to explain, as if it were Susan’s fault that Ruth and Dave had shown up. As if it were all planned. Well, she would have her say, despite Lisa’s words to take it easy on Shawn.

"Mom . . .."

"I’m glad she’s here, Lisa, but I’m still pissed."

"I guess I better warn her then."

Lisa met Shawn as she and Alex were rounding the corner of the cabin. She stopped with hands on hips.

"Man, are you in trouble."

Shawn stopped.

"I am?"

Lisa nodded. "Big trouble. In fact, the last time I’ve seen her this mad was when I spilled paint on the living room carpet."

Shawn scratched nervously at a non-existent itch on her neck.

"You know . . . about . . . us?" she asked quietly.

Lisa grinned.

"Oh yeah. Know pretty much everything," she said. "More than I wanted to know."

"Great," Shawn murmured.

"Mom’s really hurt that you left, you know?"

Shawn nodded. "Ruth, she said some things, made me think that . . .."

"Oh, Shawn, don’t you know how Aunt Ruth is by now? Did you think she could actually handle this new development in Mom’s life?"

Shawn ran nervous hands through her hair. This from Lisa, she was not expecting. She had suspected that Lisa would be the last person Susan would share this with. Susan had told her as much.

"Yes. I know how Ruth is. But with everything that was happening and knowing how new this was for your mother, I just . . . I ran," she admitted. "I couldn’t face her and have her tell me that it meant nothing to her."

Lisa’s eyes softened and she shook her head.

"You two are quite a pair, you know that? I’m the one that’s supposed to need guidance now, you know? I’m the kid here. But you two . . . Jesus! Mom’s a basket case, Shawn! You should have come earlier, when she was still crying. But she’s had time to think about it and now she’s just pissed."

"Great," Shawn murmured again.

She grabbed Shawn’s arms and squeezed. "Don’t you know how she feels about you? Are you blind?"

"Lisa . . .."

"Oh, get over it! I’ve seen what’s been happening. I’ve known probably longer than you two have. Mom’s not going back to Dad, Shawn. She sent him away."

Shawn allowed a smile to touch her face. "She did, huh?"

"Yes, you big idiot! Now will you go to her and straighten this out? I’ve got a date tonight and I don’t want to spend it worrying about you two."

CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR

Susan felt her presence long before she heard her. She waited another moment before she turned around. Blue eyes collided with brown. So many thoughts crowded in all at once, Susan didn’t know what to say first so she said nothing.

"I . . . I guess I’m the one that freaked out, huh?" Shawn finally said.

"Is that what you did? From here, it looks like you left me."

"Susan . . .."

"Don’t start. I am so angry with you, Shawn Weber! I can’t believe you left without a word. Not one word! As if I had invited them up here, as if what we’d shared meant nothing! Nothing!"

"Susan . . .."

"You actually believed Ruth? How could you? Did you think I was using you? Maybe I was just experimenting with this?"

"Susan . . .."

"Don’t ever do that to me again," Susan warned. "I called every damn number I had for you, including work. You should be thankful I didn’t call the police to track you down."

"Police?"

Susan waved her hands at Shawn. "And why are you here now?"

"Why?"

"Yes. Why? They’ve left so you think it’s safe now?"

"Safe?" Shawn allowed a small smile to touch her face, but the look in Susan’s eyes wiped it away just as quickly.

"You couldn’t stay around when I needed you? When I told them what was going on with us?"

"You told them?"

"Yes, I told them."

Susan met Shawn’s eyes and her anger subsided as quickly as it had come. Shawn was here. Finally. She let out her breath and allowed tears to form and fall.

"Susan," Shawn whispered. She walked to her and pulled her close. "I’m so sorry."

"You just left me," Susan murmured. "I was so scared when I couldn’t find you."

"I was on my way to San Francisco when I realized I was believing Ruth instead of believing what was in my heart," she said quietly.

Susan buried her face against Shawn’s neck, her arms wrapped securely around Shawn’s waist.

"What exactly did Ruth say?" she asked. "Tell me why you ran."

"She said that you were using me to get to Dave, that you had been talking to him. And you hadn’t really filed for divorce. She said you were going back to Fresno. She suggested I save you the trouble of telling me yourself."

Susan nodded, her anger at Ruth simmering again, but she pushed it away. There wasn’t time for that now. She and Shawn needed to work through this first.

"Dave got the papers yesterday. That’s why he came up here. He wanted us to try again. But I told him I didn’t love him. I told him I’d fallen in love with you," she finished in a whisper.

Shawn’s eyes widened and she let out a nervous breath.

"I told Ruth, too. She went berserk."

"I’m sorry," Shawn said again.

"Please tell me," she whispered into Shawn’s ear. "Please tell me this isn’t one-sided."

Shawn pulled away and tipped Susan’s head up, meeting tear-stained blue eyes.

"I love you. Surely you know that by now."

Susan felt the tension drain from her body at Shawn’s words. Her lips sought and found Shawn’s, feeling a peace she was afraid she’d lost. The last of her anger slipped away as Shawn’s soft mouth claimed hers. She pressed close, losing herself in Shawn’s kiss.

But they pulled apart guiltily when Lisa cleared her throat.

"Forgot I was here, huh?"

Susan’s eyes widened, completely embarrassed.

"So, we worked things out?" Lisa asked, ignoring her mother’s discomfort.

"Yeah, I think so," Shawn said.

"Good. Because the next time we have a family gathering, maybe everyone will talk about you two instead of me."

"Lisa!"

But Lisa only laughed and went and hugged them both.

"Communication is the key, Shawn. Remember that." Then she grinned. "Did Mom yell?"

"She yelled."

"I did not yell," Susan insisted.

"I think you did."

"I think you deserved it."

Lisa laughed again. "So, is it safe for me to get out of here? I assume you want some . . . time alone to make up and all that."

"Lisa!"

"Oh, Mom, lighten up."

CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE

Shawn placed the candle on the bedside table and watched as the shadows flickered across Susan’s naked body.

"Come to bed," Susan whispered.

Shawn pulled her T-shirt off, leaving her body as naked as Susan’s, but she hesitated.

"You know I’m totally in love with you," she stated.

Susan sat up and leaned on one elbow.

"Yes. I was kinda hoping." She patted the space beside her. "Come."

Shawn smiled and crawled in next to Susan, her hands circling Susan’s waist and pulling her on top.

"I can’t wait to see Ruth," Shawn whispered into Susan’s mouth.

"Ruth? You want to talk about Ruth? Now?" Susan asked around a kiss.

"Labor Day. I think a family party is in order."

"You’re a trouble maker," Susan accused.

When Shawn would have opened her mouth to speak, Susan silenced her with a gentle finger to her lips.

"This is my time. I don’t want to talk about Ruth or family gatherings." She smiled and kissed Shawn softly, letting her lips linger. "I want to show you how much I love you. I don’t ever want you to doubt this again."

Their eyes locked, then Susan moved lower, capturing Shawn’s breast with a renewed hunger.

Shawn watched Susan at her breast, finally letting her eyes slide shut in complete surrender.

Susan’s eyes were closed, but she felt Shawn’s hands in her hair, threading gently, holding her close. Then Shawn’s hips rose, meeting Susan, and those same hands urged her lower. Susan reluctantly left her breast, trailing wet kisses across soft skin. She heard Shawn moan, heard her own rapid breathing as she moved lower. Shawn’s legs parted and Susan settled between them, her hands slowly spreading Shawn’s thighs farther apart.

"I love you," she murmured.

"Mmmm."

Susan raised her head and smiled. "Mmmm?"

"I’m in heaven," Shawn murmured.

"Just about," Susan whispered. "But so am I."

Her teeth nibbled at one thigh, ignoring Shawn’s raised hips as she tried to push Susan closer to her center. She wouldn’t be rushed and her tongued teased Shawn as she moved to her other thigh.

"Susan . . . please."

Susan bit down gently on Shawn’s flesh, her hands moving under Shawn, slipping around firm buttocks, bringing Shawn closer to her waiting mouth. Soft hair glistened with Shawn’s arousal and Susan inhaled deeply, knowing she had caused this, knowing it was for her alone.

"I love you," she whispered again before her mouth claimed Shawn.

"Love you . . . too . . . oh."

CHAPTER FORTY-SIX

"You’re looking forward to this, aren’t you?" Susan accused.

"Yep. Can’t wait."

"You’re as bad as Shawn, you know."

Lisa grinned but continued making the hamburger patties.

"Twenty enough?"

"I would think fifteen would do it and at that, we’ll have leftovers," Susan said.

"I can’t believe you haven’t spoken to her. Are you sure she’s even coming?"

"Mother said the whole family is coming. It would suit me just fine if she didn’t show up."

"Mom, what would be the fun in that?"

"The fun would be a nice, relaxing party instead of dealing with Aunt Ruth and her disapproval of this whole situation."

"You’re worried about Shawn, aren’t you? She’s not going to cause a scene, you know."

"I know. But if Ruth says one word about this, Shawn won’t hold her tongue. And I’ve not actually explained anything to Mother."

"She doesn’t know you’ve moved?"

"No."

"Mom, you’ve been living with Shawn for three weeks. Don’t you think you should tell someone?"

"I’m going to tell her today. It’s just funny, you know. I’m sure Ruth told her what happened that day, but she’s not mentioned a word about it. She only said she heard that we were going through with the divorce and wanted to know if I was okay."

Lisa laughed. "Oh, this is going to be fun."

They both looked up as the door opened and Shawn and Alex burst in.

"What did you do with Sheri?" Lisa asked.

"She’s younger. I’m making her carry the heavy stuff."

Their trip into town had yielded all the makings for margaritas, along with the list that Susan had shoved in her hands before leaving.

Shawn ignored Lisa and went to Susan and kissed her full on the mouth.

"Miss me?"

Susan blushed, still not comfortable with this display of affection in front of her daughter.

"I missed you," she said. "And later, when we’re alone and Lisa isn’t watching, I might kiss you."

"Oh, Mom," Lisa groaned.

"What?"

"I’m not a child anymore."

"That hardly matters. I’m still your mother."

"Will it make you feel better if I kiss Sheri?"

"It most certainly will not!"

Lisa and Shawn laughed as Susan turned scarlet. Really! The two of them together were a handful.

"How about we all go out and have a beer and relax before company comes, huh?"

Susan smiled at Shawn and nodded. Yes. They definitely could use some quiet time before the family descended. She still couldn’t believe she had let Shawn and Lisa talk her into this party. Everything was going perfectly well without dragging the family into her business yet again. But she knew if she ever hoped to resolve things with Ruth, if she and her mother were to ever have a normal relationship again, she had to tell them about Shawn. And the best way, as Shawn and Lisa had told her, was for the family to see them together.

She paused at the door, watching Shawn, Lisa and Sheri as they pulled chairs into the sun, all laughing as Alex fought for their attention with two tennis balls. Her eyes settled on Shawn, her lover and best friend. She couldn’t stop the smile that spread warmly across her face, remembering Shawn’s hesitant suggestion that Susan move in with her. Shawn had been worried that Susan would say it was too soon, but if there was one thing Susan was certain of, it was her love for Shawn. They had settled into each other’s lives so easily, Susan wondered how she had lived all these years without Shawn.

Shawn looked up and met her eyes, beckoning Susan to join them and she left her thoughts for later.

"You’re not nervous, are you Mom?"

"No. I’m just ready to have it over with."

She sat next to Shawn and took her hand, gently squeezing.

"I love you," she whispered.

Shawn smiled and leaned closer.

"What were you thinking about in there?"

"You. Us."

"Everything okay?"

Susan sighed. "Perfect."

Shawn nodded. "Yes." Then she brought Susan’s hand to her lips and kissed her gently. "I love you, too."

Lisa cleared her throat.

"Is all that really necessary?"

Susan only smiled, managing not to blush this time as she leaned over and kissed Shawn on the lips.

"It’s really necessary."

Email me at gerrih@hotmail.com

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