The Search For Inspiration
by Muzza

Disclaimers:- All the characters in this story belong to me, please do not use them without my permission. If any bands or people sound familiar, it is purely coincidental.

Love/Sex Disclaimer:- This story will contain scenes of sex between two women, if this bothers you than please don't read on. The sex scenes will not be graphic.

Story Note:- This story isn't your typical story it's more of a journal of the characters thoughts and feelings, so there will be grammatical errors. Have you read a journal that was grammatically correct? There are bits of scenes written here as well. Hopefully it isn't too confusing for you. 

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Wednesday April 9th 2003

Well I finished sorting everything out today, Emma from downstairs came up and gave me a hand while Michelle was in work. We talked about a lot of different stuff, including how I felt about lesbians. She told me her and Michelle were a little worried about introducing themselves to me, in case I was prejudiced towards gay people. I told her I have too many gay friends to be prejudiced and she was really relieved. Apparently the couple who had the flat last were really prejudiced and they did everything they could to upset Emma and Michelle. I assured her that wouldn't happen with me. I was surprised to find that Emma is 28, 10 years younger than Michelle. Michelle does not look 38.

Emma was still upstairs when Michelle came home and Michelle must have done something cause she shouted at herself, Emma was surprised how clear it was. She almost died of embarrassment when she asked if that was the case all the time and I said "yep you can hear almost anything." I think she got the point because she went bright red before saying bye and going downstairs. I felt bad for her because I didn't want to embarrass her but she asked and I try to be honest whenever I can. I hope this doesn't affect the friendship we seemed to be building. Emma seems like a good laugh and I could use a friend who makes me laugh.

I went out for a quiet drink with Dad tonight and we talked about different things, mainly how bored both of us are. That's a really interesting conversation right? Never mind we did have a good chat about how long he's going to wait until he tried to find himself a woman. I've been trying to get him to go out and meet women for years. I even threatened to set him up with someone from a dating agency if he didn't do it himself but he wouldn't listen to me. He keeps saying when he's ready to start looking, he will. I hate him being on his own. He deserves more than that. He's in his 40's and he's had one serious relationship all his life. I don't know what to do with him, he's a pain in the backside sometimes.

Up the pub we did get chatting to a couple of girls who used to come into out pub and they were saying they had been told by the new landlord that they weren't welcome there anymore because they were lesbians. How landlords can get away with something like that, I'll never know. It's sad and it's discriminating. If he had told a coloured person that they weren't allowed to drink in the pub anymore because he wasn't white, he would have been taken to court but because it's something more personal it's different.

Dad has told them when he has the new pub they are more than welcome. The pub isn't that far out of town so hopefully they will come every now and then. I enjoyed myself tonight, it was nice to go out for a drink and have a good time. It's also nice to know that some of the people who I made friends with from the pub  are still my friends now. It's good to know I've got friends who actually seem to like me. It was weird with my friends before. They were all two faced and they only wanted me when they wanted something else. It was made pretty obvious too. So the people I'm making friends with down here are older and straight forward and I'm getting on great with them. Claire and Sarah, the couple from the pub even asked me to go for a drink with them one night. I said I'd think about it. To be honest I'm wondering if I'm sending out signals that I'm sexually mixed up. I've heard people talking about a gaydar and I'm wondering if that picks up sexually confused people because that's what I am, I'll even admit that.

I don't even know what attracts me about a person anymore. There's just something I can't place now. Is it their looks? No it isn't. Some of the 'people' I've fancied have been good looking, some haven't been but something attracted me to them anyway. I know Natasha wasn't the most beautiful girl in the world but there was something about her that drew me in straight away. It's kind of hard being attracted to someone you know you shouldn't be, especially when she's your best friend and you speak to hear every night and have to hide what you're feeling. That's what it was like for me for nearly four years. I listened to her when she told me about the boys she fancied, I supported her when she had arguments with other friends. I held her when she cried about her parents divorcing and I never once let on that my feeling for her were more than friendship.

Today has been a little weird for me. I spent a long time wondering how I would tell my Dad I was a lesbian, if I am. I can't even tell him I had a miscarriage because then he would know I had sex with Tony. Until a few years ago I could talk to me Dad about anything, now it's so much harder. I don't know if it's because I'm older or just because we aren't as close now as we used to be. I think it's because I'm older because we are still really close. I even talked to my Dad about going on the pill, just after I started seeing Tony, so he knew I was hoping to sleep with him. The doctor wouldn't put me on the pill though, because he wanted to find out for definite if I had Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome. That's how I got pregnant. Anyway back to how I would tell my Dad.... I would probably give him this journal and tell him to read it. It should tell him enough. Then I would be dreading his response. Would he be ok with it? Would he hit the roof? Would he disown me straight away? I do know that his opinion matters to me more than anything and if he disowned me I would be completely devastated and I would seriously worry about my mental state of mind.

Anyway I think that's enough about that. Rosalyn is coming down tomorrow and we are going to have a chat. She's been a little depressed lately so I'm hoping I can pull her out of it. I'm going to go now. Be back tomorrow.


Thursday April 10th 2003

Band went well again tonight, the display is coming together nicely and we are all getting excited about the first competition. We are going away for the weekend of the competition because it's in Birmingham, which is a good way from where we live. We would have to leave her at 4 to get there on time. The weekends away really don't do anything for me. I hate sleeping on the floor in a hall with all the other band members. It doesn't help that I don't mix well with them so if I go on my own than I usually don't talk to any of the girls. It's always been the same for me. The competition is the worst though because I spend the whole day on my own watching the bands. Luckily I'm not going on my own so it won't be so bad.

Rosalyn came up today and we had a good chat. Ros is a lot like me in the self-confidence department. She has been sexually and physically abused in the past and it's really messed with her head. She's been with Matthew for 2 years now and he worships the ground she walks on but she still doesn't see that. She thinks he's always looking for someone else. Someone thinner and smarter than she is. I know what she's going through because I've gone through it. I went through the stage of wondering why I even bother getting out of bed in the morning. I've even thought about killing myself so I can come back happier in another life. I could never talk to anyone about this so I didn't have anyone to help me through it. I hope I can help her get through it. She has so much more to lose than I do. She has a fiancÚ who loves her, five children who adore her and two grandkids who can't get enough of her. She thinks because I'm younger I have more to live for. She's upset because her youngest son, Timmy is gay and he wants to have a sex change, because of this he's been getting a lot of abuse of his oldest brother and people who know him. Ros is fine with it, she's even offered to help him pay for the operation but she's worried about him. It's only natural she wants him to be happy and she thinks that if he suffers anymore mental and physical abuse because of this he is going to end up an 'emotional wreck' (her words not mine) like her. Timmy is a strong lad, he'll have his ups and downs through this, just like anyone else would but he'll get through it fine, especially with help from his mother. I've tried to get her to see this and hopefully I did.

See what I mean about people coming to me for advice and a friendly shoulder? It's not something I'm ashamed of either. It's one thing that makes me feel useful. Anyway that conversation lasted nearly four hours. I met her at 2 and dropped her off on the way to band at 5.30. It was hard work but it's nice to know she takes me seriously.

I've got to go shopping tomorrow to try and get some food in the house, otherwise I'm going to starve to death. That would be pretty cool wouldn't it? My first week in my own flat and I starve to death. Then again if people didn't remind me to eat, I probably wouldn't. It's not like I'm trying to starve myself, but lately I just haven't been eating. I've already been told over the last couple of weeks I've lost weight. Which is pretty cool because I do want to lose weight, just not the way I have been doing it.

I didn't see Emma today so I couldn't find out is everything is ok after yesterday. I'll try and see her tomorrow. I did a big no-no last night.... that sounds stupid doesn't it? I'm pleased because I dreamt for the first time in ages. The only problem is I dreamt about Emma. Do you know what's upsetting me most about that? It's not the fact that I dreamt about a women, it's the fact that I dreamt about someone else's woman. It wasn't a romantic dream or anything though, just a dream about us talking about stuff. Her relationship with Michelle, my last relationship with Tony. We did start talking about sex, just before I woke up. I don't even know why I dream about her, I'm not attracted to her. Yes she seems nice enough and she seems to have a nice personality but that's all I know about her. There wasn't any instant spark of attraction there like there was with Natasha. I'm not going to let it bother me but I'm not going to let in go any further in my mind either. I will not let myself for someone already involved in a relationship.

Is is me or do I sound a little like a too good to be true girl who is probably lying through her teeth? I'm trying to be as honest as possible and I sound like I'm trying to be little Miss Perfect. Trust me I am far from perfect but I do have high standards that I expect of myself and I live by the saying "Do unto others as you would have others do to you." I would never knowingly get involved with someone in a relationship because I wouldn't want that to happen to me. If that makes me sound stupid then maybe I am. I just don't think I could live with myself if I knowingly became the other woman in a relationship. My old friends, who have been the other woman, tell me that when it happens you don't really care if they are involved in a relationship or not but I think it will matter to me. Again, maybe that's wishful thinking on my part, I don't know. They also tell me that you don't get anywhere by being the perfect friend or by being nice all the time but at the end of the day if you achieve something by cheating then you haven't really achieved anything.

Ok, that's scary. Now I sound like I'm preaching.

I'm going to bed now and I'm not going to be dreaming about anyone involved in a relationship. I hope.

See you tomorrow.

Friday 11th April 2003

Well luckily I didn't dream about anything last night, although if I'm honest I'm a little disappointed about that. I enjoyed my dream on Wednesday night and I had hoped my dreams were going to come back. Maybe it's just going to take some time.

I did see Emma today, so I asked her if everything was ok with us and she said it was. She admitted she was a little embarrassed to know that I could hear them having sex. I told her that if it bothered her that much I could move into the front bedroom. It doesn't bother me. She said no, as long as I didn't mind being disturbed now and again. I made a joke about it and told her to just let me know when and I'll get myself some earplugs. Luckily that seemed to break the ice a bit and we talked for about an hour about different things. I mentioned my hobby of band and what makes it special for me. I even managed to show her a band video. She's agreed to come to one of the competitions with me one day. I'm not sure what made me ask and I'm surprised she agreed.

Michelle asked me if I fancied going out for a drink with them tonight. I haven't decided yet. I wouldn't mind going out for a drink but I'd feel like a third wheel if I did. I don't know anyone I could ask to come as well. I suppose I could ask Debbie. It would be nice to spend some time with her without David. I'll give her a ring now and if she agrees I'll be writing more later. Be right back.

Part II

Well Debbie agreed to come out with me tonight so all four of us went out together. I was thinking afterwards that it was probably not too smart to ask another girl to come out. Michelle and Emma are obvious lesbians and I think because we were with them, people automatically assumed we were too. I think the fact that David works in the pub and Debbie is there regularly with him, stopped us having to face any embarrassing situations.

The one thing I noticed though, is the more Michelle and Emma drank, the more they argued. At one point, Emma got up and left. When I asked Michelle if she was going after her she just shook her head and went back to her drink. Emma wasn't drunk but I couldn't let her go on her own, so I asked Debbie to stay with Michelle and I left.

I didn't take long for me to find Emma. I'm glad I found her when I did. She was surrounded by a group of boys. They obviously didn't approve of who she was and were about to let her know it. Unfortunately, or fortunately in this case, I knew one of the boys.

"Andrew?" To say I was shocked to see my sister's boyfriend's son about to attack on of my friends was an understatement.

"Jessie?" He looked surprised as well. "Go back inside. There's nothing for you to see here."

"Apparently there is," I told him. "But if you let my friend go I'm sure nothing will happen."

This seemed to surprise him even more. "You can't be friends with her," he told me. "She's a queer."

"No she's a lesbian," I told him. "The only queers around here are you and your group of girls."

"Hey Andrew," One of the other boys said. "Maybe she's a queer too."

"No man, she's cool," Andrew told them as he looked at Emma, then back at me. "Jessie, what's going on here? Why are you friends with her?"

"I don't need to explain why I'm friends with anyone to you, Andrew," I told him. "But if you're so concerned about it why don't you go and ask Debbie if she can explain why she's in the pub with Emma's partner."

"Debbie's here?" Now he looked panicked.

"Yes she is," I told him. "And I suggest you let me and Emma go before I tell her all about this. You know she'll tell David about it."

He hesitated before signalling to the two boys who were holding Emma to let her go. I left so relieved that if he hadn't been the cause of this I would have hugged him. I walked over to Emma and I took her arm. "Come on, Emma." We walked away from the boys and kept walking until we found somewhere quiet.

It was only then that I realised Emma was crying. "Hey, what's wrong?" I asked, knowing it was a stupid question but I couldn't think of anything else to say. I'm not very good at comforting people. I wanted to hug her and tell her everything was going to be ok but I couldn't.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I don't want to be crying but I can't help it."

"You've got every right to cry, Emma," I told her. "You've been through a lot tonight."

"I know but I hate crying," she admitted.

"I think everyone hates crying. I know I do," I told her. "It makes us feel vulnerable and nobody likes feeling vulnerable. But sometimes everyone needs a good cry, just to get it over with."

I surprised myself but moving closer and putting on arm around her shoulder, this caused her to cry even harder and then she wrapped both of her arms around me. As her tears finally started to slow I managed to find my voice. "Do you want to talk about it?" I could feel her nod her head against my shoulder. "Well I'm all ears."

When her crying stopped completely she let go of me and moved to sit on the wall, where I joined her. "I'm not sure where to start actually," she admitted. "I don't know which got me more upset, the argument with Michelle or nearly being attacked."

"Well why don't you tell me about both?" I asked. "Tell me about the argument with Michelle first, seeing as that happened first."

"I don't even know why I'm upset about it," she admitted. "It seems like all we do is argue now."

"Have you argued in public before?" I asked.

She thought for a minute before answering. "No."

"Maybe that's why you are upset tonight," I suggested. "Now I haven't known you long but I get the impression you put on the happy relationship because you don't want people to see what I hear." I clenched my fist as I thought about what I was going to say next. "I can't say your relationship is falling apart because I'm not a part of it but you both need to find out why you keep arguing. What do you usually argue about?"

"My faithfulness," she answered. "She thinks I'm cheating on her."

Ok. "Have you ever given her any cause to doubt you?" I asked.

"No. I wouldn't cheat on anyone," she said. "I like being with Michelle."

"Have you told her that?" I asked. "Maybe she's not as secure in the relationship as she seems to be. Maybe she needs re-assurance from you."

"I hadn't though about that," she admitted. "How did you come up with it?"

"I was always insecure when I was with Tony," I admitted. "Tony was good looking and he could have any girl he wanted. It was a long distance relationship so I was always worried that he had someone back there, while I was being 100% faithful to him."

"Anyone who cheated on you would be a fool," Emma said. I looked at her with surprise and she had that 'oh God did I say that out loud look on her face.' "Anyway I think we'd better get back before Michelle starts to think we're having sex out here." Before I could even stand up she was gone.

Emma was quiet for the rest of the night. Michelle hit the roof when she found out Emma was nearly attacked, although neither of us told her who it was that had been the gang leader. Whether she told Michelle later on was her own business but I wasn't going to say anything in front of Debbie.

Apart from that bit of trouble I had a good time tonight, so did Debbie who suggested we go out for a 'girls night out' at least once a month. I think it's a good idea. I might even ask Rosalyn if she wants to come next time. It might help her being around some women who have gone through the same thing her son is going through.

I'm tired tonight but I can't sleep. There is so much going through my head. For the first time in over 4 years I'm finding myself attracted to another woman. I'm not happy about it either. It's not the whole 'another woman' thing that's upsetting me, it's like I said yesterday, it's the fact that it's someone else's woman that's bothering me. Why can't I be attracted to a single woman? A woman I might actually have a chance with.

I'm still so confused on that whole thing. I don't know whether I'm actually attracted to Emma or if it's all in my head. Does the fact that I'm attracted mean I want to spend my entire life with one? I have no idea. Anyway I'm getting very tired so I'm gonna try and get some sleep.

To be continued....

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