Disclaimer: You know the drill, anything that was the idea of Rob T. or TPTB is their property, not mine. Also, and really people I mention such as Lucy, Renee, Rob, Steve Etc. belong to themselves.

Note: I want to thank my team of beta’s and all the people that gave me feedback on ‘Hardcore Nurcrackers.’ Also to MaryD for giving me a Xippy, if nothing else made me want to keep writing it was winning a Xippy. Thanks to Calli for the great cover she did, and to my Bro VOA for the tittle.

Hardcore Nutcrackers, 2




"I said no Gabrielle."

"Oh come on Xe, we have not done it for a looong time." The small blonde pleaded.

"Nope" The tall brunette said crossing her arms and looking down at the bard sitting on the bed.

"Why not?" Gabrielle whined.

"I just got home from work, I am not in the mood."

"You are never in the mood." The Bard’s bottom lip poked out as she too crossed her arm. "I don’t get why you never want to do something you are so good at."

"Just because I am good at it doesn’t mean I have to do it all the time."

Green eyes met blue. "All the time!?! It has been ages since we have gone out dancing."

Xena walked over and sat at the foot of the bed removing her heals and started working on the black buttons of her suit jacket. "That is because we can never go out dancing without something weird happening."

"Like what?" Gabrielle asked moving down to the foot of the bed near Xena.

With her jacket out of the way the tall woman started on the buttons of her coral silk shirt. "Like that time we went out dancing and Ares thought it would be funny to put an ice cube down my shirt."

Gabrielle covered her mouth to hide the giggle remembering the Warrior Princess wiggling around on the dance floor like she had been waiting too long to us the ladies room. Which got ice blue eyes turned on her.

"It was not funny Gabrielle, everyone thought it was a new move and started copying me."

That just made the smaller woman giggle even more. "Oh come on, a lot of people would think of starting a new dance craze like the ‘twist’ as an accomplishment."

"Well not me, I hated that damn dance. I was glad when that craze was over." Xena said well standing to remove her skirt.

"Well I am rather proud of starting dance crazes." Gabrielle said with a tilt of her chin.

Xena turned and looked at her partner. "Gabrielle, every time you "created" a dance craze it was because you had too much to drink and started doing old Amazon dances."

Getting ready to defend herself the feisty blonde jumped up on her knees and put her hands on her hips. "It was not!"

Stepping closer to the smaller woman Xena leaned down so that they were nose to nose. "It was too, look at the time you "created" ‘shake a tail feather.’ Exactly how many martinis did you have that night?"

"Hey." Gabrielle protested poking the shoulder nearest her right hand. "That was part of a sacred Amazon dance."

"Hey." Xena mimicked the Bard actions by poking Gabrielle’s left shoulder with mock enthusiasm. "It was part of dance the Amazons did when they wanted to get laid." Then turned around and walked over to the closet.

"Hmm" Gabrielle said slumping back down to the bed biting her bottom lip before jumping up and following the tall, beautiful woman wearing only her black lace bra and panties. "Well not everyone can say they inspired Tina Turner."

That made Xena stop rummaging through the closet and turn to Gabrielle. With one hand on her hip and the other pointing at the smaller woman. "Again you got drunk at a party and started doing an Amazon dance." When her finger got swatted away she brought it up to tap her chin. "Lets see, dive, punch, punch, kick turn and repeat." Remembering the moves Gabrielle did that night and the ones Tina Turner now did when performing ‘Proud Mary’. "That was part of a war dance wasn’t it?"

"Well Tina just knows a good thing when she sees it." Gabrielle said with a raised chin and pride in her voice.

"Uh huh." Xena said with a roll of her eyes and retreated back to the closet. "What do you have to say for yourself when you started the Macarana," pulling out the T-shirt she wanted she turned back around to face Gabrielle. "And just how many shots of tequila did you have that night?" She asked throwing the shirt on the bed.

Gabrielle followed the retreating form to the dresser. "I was reminiscing. That was the dance I lead on the night of our joining." She then placed her hands on Xena’s hips turning her so they faced each other and lowered the tone of her voice. "If I remember correctly, you rather" the blonde paused pulling Xena closer before continuing, "appreciated it that night, as well as that night in the Spanish Club when I had too much tequila.

Xena went with the force of the small hand pulling her head down and met the soft lips waiting for hers. When the kiss was finished she licked her lips. "Hmmm, good point."

"So will you come dancing with me?" Gabrielle asked before capturing Xena’s in another passionate kiss.

"Mmm" Xena moaned when the kiss ended. "No fair, you play dirty."

That made Gabrielle smile before their lips met again. "Please?" she asked when they broke way.

"Only if you promise no Amazon dances…’til we get home." This time Xena initiated the kiss.

"Deal" Gabrielle responded, sealing it with another kiss. "Now we have a few hours before we should head to the club. Any ideas on how to pass the time?"

"Oh just a few." Xena responded already leading them back to the bed.


As the small blonde finished adjusting the straps of her bra, strong arms circled around her waist. One warm hand slid down to rest just above silk panties. The other moved up to cup a lace-covered breast. All the while busy lips left a blazing trail along the smaller woman’s shoulder attaching more firmly to her neck. The blond head tilted to the side giving her lover more access.

"Xena" she called out breathlessly.

The lips stopped working on the neck and moved up to a warm ear.

"Yes?" Xena purred into the flushed ear in a low seductive voice that was all her own.

"We are going." Gabrielle stated, her breathing even more ragged then before.

The woman behind her let a grin spread across her lips. "That’s funny, I thought we would both be coming in the near future." Then took the soft ear between her lips grinning again when she heard a moan.

Gabrielle turned in Xena arms so they were facing each other; she breasts pressing against the bare ones of her lover. Her arms moving up to wrap around Xena’s strong neck, pulling the dark head closer to hers. All the while keeping her eyes fixed on the soft lips closing in on her own. Finally their lips met after she felt Xena’s warm breath on her lips as her name was called out. After they parted Gabrielle kept her eyes closed and let out a moan as she licked her lips, knowing that was where her wife’s eyes were fixed. Xena bent down to reclaim the Bard’s lips but just before they touched Gabrielle pulled back. When her blues eyes finally focused on the face in front of her, green eyes twinkled with humor and full lips stretched into a grin. Xena let out a not so seductive groan when she realized she had been duped.

"Nice try." Gabrielle taunted as she turned to finish getting ready.

"Gabrielle." Xena whined as her shoulders slumped and she went to flop down on the bed.

The Bard grabbed her brush and used it on her hair as she made her way to the bed. Stopping in front of her whiney warrior, she rested her forearms on strong shoulders.

"We had a deal, you" using a tap on the back with the brush to enhance her words, "said you would go."

Sticking to the motto, ‘When in doubt, pout.’ Xena pushed out her bottom lip as she wrapped her arms around Gabrielle’s waist. "Well I changed my mind. I want to stay here with you. Just the two of us and spend some time together." She made sure that Gabrielle saw her lip stick out even more before she dropped her head. The Warrior was sure she had the Bard in her hands when two fingers lifted her chin up and a thumb pushed her bottom lip back in. The gentle touch was followed by a soft kiss.

"That was very sweet Xe."

Xena looked up and all the hope that had been growing was dashed when she saw the amused look on Gabrielle’s face. That look had her bottom lip make another appearance.

"You’re getting better at that pout."

"I don’t pout."

Gabrielle let out a small laugh. "Yes you do." With a brush still in one hand she moved to pinch Xena’s cheeks. "You’re just so cute when pout, yes you are." She teased puckering her lips and changing to baby talk. Gabrielle let out a full laugh when Xena tossed her naked body back onto the bed and let out a frustrated growl.

Stopping at the bathroom door Gabrielle turned and shook the brush at Xena. "Hurry up now, the earlier we get there the earlier we will leave. Which means the sooner I can give you that private performance of the original Macarana." She said with a wiggle of eyebrows and a shake of her backside. Laughing again when Xena leaped off the bed and was at the closet in record time.


"It is not as large as most LA night clubs but it has a good rep. I would say it is not the type of place one would expect to see one of California’s top attorney or a New York Times best selling author." Gabrielle said with a grin.

"Ahh, so it is a Xena and Gabrielle place, not a Elizabeth Jones and Grace Williams place." Xena grinned back as she shut the car off.

"You got it."

"Good, now lets go get this over with." Xena said getting out to the car and moving around the front to help Gabrielle out.

"Have I told you how beautiful you look?" She asked the Bard who was dressed in a classic, short, v-neck black dress. It complemented her long red skirt with mid thigh slit, low-slung gold chain belt and sleeveless black blouse.

"Mmm only about five times but who’s counting." As she went up on her tiptoes to kiss the Warrior’s chin and strong arms went around her waist. "You, on the other hand, are gorgeous."

Just before Xena could reply she felt the irritating itch. "Go away Ares." She growled.

"Xena, don’t be so rude to an old friend." He said with humor as he exited the back seat of her Lexus where he had popped in so as not to make a scene.

"You got the old part right." She mumbled causing the Bard to giggle. "What do you want?" She asked finally looking at the God.

"I thought I would join my two favorite girls for a night out. Like my new clothes? Kinda look like James Bond huh?" He asked as he twirled around showing off all sides.

"Uh huh, sure you do." Xena said with a roll of her eyes as she started to lead Gabrielle down the street. "That’s why they cast Pierce Brosnan instead of you in ‘Goldeneye’."

"They are mortal, they wouldn’t know a good thing if it fell from Elysia and landed on their head." He said in his normal cocky way trying to hide that he was still sour about not getting the role, then mumbled to himself. "I should have known sleeping with the 3rd cousin of the Assistant Director’s Assistant’s Assistant would not get me anywhere." When he looked up and saw that Gabrielle and Xena where halfway down the block he started to run and called out. "Hey wait for me."

The two women ahead of him looked at each other and rolled their eyes. "Irritating itch." They said together as he caught up with them. As the three immortals rounded the corner there, in front of them, was a line almost a block long waiting to get into the club. Xena turned and gave Gabrielle ‘the look.’

"Hey" she protested, with an impish smile. "I said it had a good rep."

"Uh huh." Was the only reply she got.

A few moments later one of the younger women ahead of them called out. "Oh my God that’s Lucy Lawless and, and Renee O’Conner, together!"

"Look, Kevin Smith is with them!" One of her friends added.

"Oh shit!" All three celebrity look alikes said at once as they turned to start running as the crowd started after them.

"I am going to kill Herc once and for all!" Ares called out.

"Not if I find him first." Xena threatened. As shouts as ‘Lucy I love you’ ‘Renee can I have your autograph?’ And ‘Kevin, can I touch your butt?’ Followed them. At that one, Ares stopped and was about to turn around when Xena grabbed his arm.

"Oh come on you hormone infested rodent before they catch up with us."

"My offer is better than yours; maybe I want them to catch me. Think of the possibilities."

Xena rolled her eyes as they caught up with the Bard who was chanting. "Herc is dead. Herc is dead. Why did he have to help cast our parts?"

The three made it to the car just in time. Xena burned rubber as she pulled out onto the road, leaving screaming Xena fans chasing after them.

"Anyone else think we are over due for a visit to Herc’s?" Xena asked when they finally ditched the fans chasing them down the street.


It was over an hour later when the Lexus pulled to a stop in front of the Big Guy’s house. The three pissed off immortals exited out of the car in record time. Gabrielle and Ares were half way to the house before they even noticed that Xena wasn’t with them. Stopping in their tracks Bard and God looked at each other before turning back towards the car. The said Warrior Woman had braced herself against the door and looked as if she was going to cry.

Gabrielle rushed back to her love with Ares close behind. "Honey? What is it? What’s wrong?" She got no reply; Xena just kept staring at the car.

"Xena?" Gabrielle tried again, cupping that Warrior’s cheek.

"My baby." Xena whispered. "Look what they did to my baby." She then fell to her knees in front of the back panel where a small inch long scratch could hardly be seen.

Spotting the scratch Ares fell to his knees next to the grieving Warrior. "Those heartless mortal bastards." He growled menacingly. Having a few ‘babies’ of his own he had an understanding of Xena’s pain.

"It will be okay Xena, this can be fixed up in no time. Your baby will be just fine." Ares tried to assure the now crying Xena while rubbing her back.

Gabrielle just rolled her eyes and leaned against the now closed driver’s door. If she was not so irritated, yes irritated, not jealous. There was no way that the Immortal Bard of Potidaea, the Amazon Queen, would be jealous of some hunk of metal. Just because her lover of over 2000 years called it her baby, spent most of her free time vacuuming and washing it, bought things for it and even talked to it. If she was going to me jealous, those would be good reason but she was not jealous. At least Argo was a living, breathing creature, not like this… this…. machine.

Anyway, if she was not so irritated over it all, she would be laughing at Ares and Xena, who were now walking around on their haunches inspecting the beloved ‘baby’ for more scratches. Who would have thought that after all these years THIS is what it took for them to get along for more then 30 seconds? Did she dare say it? The Warrior and the God of War were…bonding?

"Oh no!" Xena called out when she spotted another scratch on the trunk of her ‘baby.’ This one was twice as long and twice as deep. Ares was at her side in seconds, taking her in his arms when she began to weep.

"How could they do this to my Baby?" she cried into his shoulder. "She did nothing to deserve this."

"Everything will be okay Xe, they will pay for what they have done." The God assured as he rocked the warrior in his arms.

Gabrielle was sure that steam was coming out of her ears from trying to hold back her irritation because she was NOT jealous. Who cares if Xena was weeping in the arms of Ares over some piece out shit car?

"It’s all Herc’s fault. If he had not helped with the casting then the stars would have never looked so much like us and we would have never had those nutballs chasing us." Xena rationalized, letting anger take over. "He has to pay for this!" She said at almost a yell, jumping up, elbowing the God in the face and knocking his cute God butt to the ground on her way up.

"Revenge for my Baby!" She called out running to the front door.


"Coming!" A deep male voice called out as Xena kept pounding on the wood door. Ignoring the call she just kept pounding ‘til the door was pulled open.

Hercules a.k.a. Kevin Sorbo’s face went from anger, to surprise to hur as his ear was painfully grabbed, twisted and used to drag him through the doorway, off the porch and down the walkway by one pissed off Warrior Princess.

"Ow Ow Ow!" The big guy protested as Xena lead him to her baby. When they stopped at the end of the walk, they were standing in front of, an equally pissed off Bard and God of War. Looking from Xena to Gabrielle then to Ares he figured that it was safest to speak to his half brother.

"Ares, what is this all about?" He asked, barely getting the question out before Xena answered for the God.

"What is this about? What is this about?!" she yelled getting louder with each word. "I will tell you what this is about. First of all, thanks to your help with casting our parts in ‘Xena’ we could not even enjoy a night out dancing before we were chased by hard-core nutball ‘Xena’ fans who thought we were Lucy Lawless, Renee O’Conner and Kevin Smith. They even chased us down the street and just look at what they did to my baby!" the enraged Warrior yelled, grabbing Herc by the hair and pushing his face down on the trunk of the car. He saw the scratch for a split second before Xena pulled him back up and shoved him over to his brother.

Taking his turn, Ares started yelling at his half-brother. "And thanks to her being pissed off she would not let me allow the fans touch my butt! I mean do you have any idea how hard it is to find straight Xena fans around here? Let alone ones that want to have hot monkey sex with me because they think I am Kevin Smith?" Disgusted he shoved the bewildered Demi-God over to the Bard who grabbed him by his shirt and pulled him down we they were eye to eye.

"Forget about them, I had to watch Xena crying on Ares shoulder because her baby was scratched. Do you have any idea how scary that is? He was rocking her in his arms. They were bonding!" At that the Big Guys eyes got even wider with the new mental image in his head. "And do you have any idea what it took for me to get Xena to agree to go out dancing tonight? After what happened, even with my exceptional sexual persuasion techniques, it will take me 100 years to get her our dancing again!"

Pulling back and finally over coming the shock of what was going on Hercules tried to reason with the three immortals on a rampage. "N-Now guys, this was not my fault. Sure I kinda helped out a little with the casting b-but Gabrielle’s scrolls were very descriptive and TPTB would have cast the same people without my help." He babbled trying to get out of harms way, only getting himself in more trouble as the green-eyed bard started moving in on him.

"Are you trying to say it is my fault?" She asked in a low tone.

Now the Demi-God was scared. He could face down the world’s greatest evils but not the small green-eyed blonde. ‘No wonder Xena had been whipped for over 2000 years.’ He said to himself.

"N-No, of course not Gab-Gabrielle. I-I wa was trying to say that you are a great bard and thaaahhhhhh." The back treading, petrified son of Zeus didn’t get to finish as a 5 ft 4 inches, 120 pounds of blonde bard tackled him to the ground. Not wanting to hurt Gabrielle Herc just covered his face and took the blows.

"Get her off me!" He shouted.

Xena and Ares were still trying to pull the angry Bard off Herc when they heard another voice coming from the direction of the house.

"Kevin, what is going on?" Sam, Hercules wife in this lifetime, and the couples dinner guests started to get worried by his long absence and when they heard yelling they all came to investigate.

All four immortals as well as Sam, having been told of her husbands true identity years before, froze because of just who the dinner guests were. "Uh oh!" All five said aloud as Lucy, Rob, Renee and Steve stepped out the door.

After long minutes Gabrielle was the first to move. Dropping the fists she had been holding in mid strike she climbed off of the still wide-eyed Demi-God and waved and smiled sheepishly to the four dinner guests. "Um Hi."

That got Herc into motion and he got up off the ground as his mind started to search for ways to explain who Xena, Gabrielle and Ares were without really explaining who they were. ‘Fans, I could say there are nutball fans.’

The group on the porch slowly started to make their way down the walk. Ares’s eyes were fixed on Lucy as he thought of how much she looked like Xena. ‘Oh, I would enjoy that.’ He said to himself, taking in all of the actresses beautiful body. When he looked up again their eyes met for a brief second before hers moved on. ‘Oh yeah, she wants me. She wants me bad.’

While Sam went to stand at her husbands side, Renee and Steve stopped in front of Gabrielle as Rob and Lucy both stopped in front of Xena. The executive was not able to get over how much this stranger looked like his wife. When his hand reached out to touch the stranger, needing to know she was real, it was smacked away by his wife and the stranger. Getting a glare from both tall beautiful blue eyed women, he smiled innocently at his wife whom just looked the other way.

Renee was the first to speak up. "Kevin, are you going to introduce everyone?"

‘What to say, what to say? Fans won’t work. New stand ins?’ Looking at Rob that thought was squished like a cockroach. ‘Cousins, that’s it, they are my cousins from Minnesota!"

"Oh, uh these are my cousins from Minnesota. Rob, Lucy, Renee. Steve meet Ole, Lena and Helga." Pointing to Ares, Xena and Gabrielle knowing by the mental daggers being thrown his way he would pay for the names later.

"Your Kevin’s cousins, from Minnesota?" Renee asked after shaking their hands.

"Ja you betcha, from Minnesota." Using a thick Norwegian accent, making Minnesota sound like Minny-sooda. Gabrielle answered her.

"Kevin, why did you tell us you had cousins that looked so much like Lucy, Renee and Kevin?" Rob asked thinking of the opportunities. His mind already thinking of the ways this could be used for the good of the show.

"Well, um I, uh didn’t think it was important." Herc answered, not knowing what else to say. Then his wife stepped in to try and help.

"Actually, they didn’t always look so much like them." She offered hoping it would help.

Picking up on his wife’s lead Herc tried again. "That’s right, it’s just that…um, well you see, they um…"

Hoping to save the couples ridiculous attempts Xena stepped in. "We were in "The Stars of Xena look-alike Contest" back in Minnesota. So we had to fix ourselves up a little to look more like you folks. Isn’t that right Ole, Helga?"

"Yeah, the prize was a free trip to Hollywood." Ares added to the surprise of the others in the conspiracy.

"Ja, we thaught it would be a gouda idea to stop by and see our cousin while we was here in L.A." Gabrielle added, still using the thick Norwegian accent she hoped didn’t sound like a sick cow.

All this time Renee’s mind had been at work, knowing something was weird. "Why does Helga speak so differently then the rest of you?"

Steve, thinking along the same lines of his wife to be added his own two cents. "Yeah, if you are all related why don’t you all look more alike? Ole and Lena are so much darker, and have black hair. While Helga is so much smaller and fairer skinned."

"Well, all our fathers are brothers but Helga’s mom is from Norway and Ole and Lena’s mom is from one of the Native American reservations in Minnesota." The big guy explained hoping it would cover all the differences in their looks.

"Yeah, our great grandma was a Cherokee princess." Ares added smugly thinking he had done well and looked surprised when he got glares from the other conspirators.

Now it was time for a light to go on in Rob’s head. "I thought that the Cherokees were from the southern states?"

"You three are not really Kevin’s cousins are you?" Renee asked; knowing something was not right with the explanations being given.

Xena, Gabrielle, Ares, Herc and Sam all got the deer caught in the headlights look. They all shared looks that said it was time to give up and admit defeat.

Before Xena could answer Lucy spoke up. "Ren’s right, you aren’t really his cousins at all. This is some kinda joke isn’t it? Ahhhhh I get it, this is one of them candid camera thingies you crazy Americans have. uh huh, oh you got me..." Starts to look around for the cameraman. "Oooo, this is pay backs for that time I put that fake dead rat in your dinner isn’t it Kevin?" She asked as she started to walk around to look for the elusive cameraman. "Cameraman, come out come out where ever you are."

Renee stopped Lucy when her search for the cameraman led her near the blonde. "This isn’t a joke Lucy." Stepping up closer to Xena, Ares and the other blonde that could be her twin. She looked them over closely. "You are the real deal aren’t you?" Renee asked, continuing she pointed to each person in turn. "Your Ares, your Xena and your Gabrielle."

The sharp little actress studied them all again, as well as her hosts for the evening. They all had a nervous look on their faces well the others just had confused or surprised looks. "And you two knew didn’t you?" she asked pointing to Kevin and Sam.

Xena was the first to speak up, knowing that there was nothing to say that could get them out of this she confirmed Renee’s accusations with a nod of her head.

"They are," Herc stated. "So am I." He added, letting out all the secrets.

There was a long silence before Rob spoke up. I always thought the stories in the scrolls were fiction. We never found any real proof of your existence other then the scrolls."

"That’s because we wanted it that way." Xena stated simply then fixed a glare on the God of War. "If it was not for a certain God of War those scrolls would have never gotten out either."

Raising his hands in the air trying not to look too guilty. "So I sold a few of the scrolls, sue me. I had been in the tomb for centuries with no temples to take offerings at. I was low on funds." Xena, Gabrielle and Herc just rolled their eyes having heard the story a hundred times.

After thinking for a while Lucy spoke up again. "If you four are still around, that means others could have too. Is there anyone else we should know about?"

Lucy watched as all five conspirators all shared looks that let her know there was someone else. "There are others?" she asked them.

"Not others, just one." Gabrielle answered for the group.

"Who?" Renee asked, growing impatient.

After getting nods from his wife, Xena, Gabrielle and even Ares, Herc called out for the last of their little group. "Little Sis?"

Popping in with a burst of pink the Goddess of Love was now standing in front of her favorite sibling, who was glad there where no close neighbors around to see all this. "You called Big Bro?" Spotting the other three immortals she got excited. "Wo Wa, the gangs all here, narly." Seeing that they were looking at something behind her she turned around. Seeing who was standing there she smiled and gave a little wave as Lucy and Renee both had to lift their man’s jaw off the ground.

"You all dropped the bomb huh? How did the mortals take it?" She asked fluffing her hair.

The beautiful Goddess got her answer when the rather flushed executive producer landed at her feet as a result of a well placed smack to the back of his head by his wife who was less then amused when her husband refused to take his eyes off the Goddess.

Once all eyes left the motionless figure on the ground they moved up to Lucy, who smiled impishly. "Men, you can’t live with ‘em. You can’t shoot ‘em."

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