Camping with the klutz’s

By: Robin Alexander

Disclaimer: Mild profanity. Depicts a loving relationship between women are of legal age.

Special thanks goes out to my beta reader Nikki aka "Dimples"

Dedicated to Donna and Aleta. Ladies, please forgive the short jokes. <eg> Also to Thorie who allowed me to borrow her name.


Comments are always welcome @



"911 What is your emergency?"

"Um yeah, my daughter has a roach in her ear, and we need to have it removed.

"Ma’am did you say a roach in her ear?"

"That’s what I said. I poured some beer in there but it seemed to piss it off"


My whole body jerked in surprise when the pager went off with the familiar tone. I glanced at the clock and grimaced, 2am what a surprise. I could hear Aleta fumbling around on the top bunk muttering curses. I was no longer allowed to sleep on the top bunk because I jumped down on top of her twice.

Expecting to be awoken in the middle of the night as usual, I had gotten in the habit of sleeping with my uniform pants and boots still on. I realize this sounds gross, but it’s nearly impossible to lace up a pair of combat boots while staggering to the ambulance. I grabbed my uniform shirt and made a beeline for the door with Aleta on my heels fighting with her own boots.

"A frickin roach again!" I fumed.

"I’d freak out too if I got a roach in my ear." Aleta said calmly.

I pulled the unit out on the road deciding against the siren and red lights…for a roach. so I doubted very seriously we would encounter traffic. "I think I am getting too old for this kind of work." I growled thinking it would be nice to be a forest ranger.

"You’re twenty-seven, that’s a little young for retirement." Aleta said with a chuckle.

I glanced at her with a smug grin. "Well then you’re too old for this line of work."

Aleta rolled her eyes. "I’m twenty-eight bitch."


We stepped over fast food bags and beer cans as we entered through the front door of the old house. There was no need to search for the patient we simply followed the screams. Entering the kitchen we found a woman who looked to be in her mid twenties with her finger jammed in her right ear squealing. Seated at the kitchen table was her mother sipping a beer, looking like she didn’t have a care in the world.

I grabbed the squealing woman gently by the arm and tried to get her attention. She looked at me and began to scream at the top of her lungs. "Get it out!" Aleta took her other arm and led her to a chair where she sat still screaming.

"Unless, you stop screaming we will go back outside." I yelled back. Aleta shot me a warning glance as she opened a bottle of peroxide. I grabbed my pen light and was going to shine it in the woman’s ear when Aleta grabbed my arm. "Donna!" She hissed. She knew as well as I did that if I had shone that light in her ear that the roach would have freaked out more trying to get away from the light. I stood there with my bottom lip poked out like a scolded child.

"What’s your name honey?" Aleta asked sweetly.

"Terry." The woman responded brusquely as she eyed the bottle of peroxide warily.

"I’m going to pour a little of this in your ear, and that should bring the bug out for us. Try and sit still while I do this." Aleta said with a comforting smile. She was always so cool and collected, it made me want to choke her sometimes.

The little intruder rode out on a wave of white foam to the relief of us all, especially Terry. "Do you want a ride to the hospital so they can check out your ear?" Aleta asked politely. I was already filling out the patient refusal form, and was all too happy to have Terry sign it when she decided against going to the hospital.

"You can avoid these kinds of problems in the future if you would get rid of some of the shi…" Aleta gave me another warning glance before I could finish the sentence.

"Ma’am I would strongly suggest you treat your place for insects." Aleta said as she gathered her things. Terry’s mother simply saluted us with her beer can as Terry popped the top on one herself. We left there in a hurry. I think a roach had made its way into Aleta’s pants.

"I told you to tuck those into your boots before we went in." I chided, as Aleta tore off her pants in the back of the unit while I drove to the station.

"Just drive wise ass." Aleta growled between clenched teeth.

I was in an antagonistic mood so I tapped the breaks lightly causing Aleta to go off balance and bump into the wall of the unit. "Bitch!" She howled. This only spurned me on so I stepped on the gas sending her sliding down the squad bench. "Donna I swear I will beat your ass!" Aleta yelled as she struggled to get her pants back on. I flipped a switch and flooded the patient compartment with light enabling anyone behind us a view of Aleta’s panties covered in leaping frogs.

We arrived back at the station promptly at 3am, where we cleaned the unit praying we would not get another call before shift change. Later as we put the finishing touches on our paperwork we began to discuss our camping trip that we were only hours away from embarking on. I was getting more excited by the minute as I watched the clock.

"Do you have all of the gear loaded up?" I asked Aleta for the hundredth time.

"Yes everything is packed. All you have to do is shower because you smell and then you and Christy can come right over. Thorie is cooking breakfast so don’t waste anytime."

Thorie and Aleta made the cutest couple. Thorie was a cute little redhead with a true Irish temper, which complimented Aleta well since she was a petite Italian with the same temperament when you struck just the right chord. Neither of them stood over 5’2", although Aleta always argued she was 5’2" and a half, which seemed very important to her.

I made it home in record time. Christy met me at the front door with a cup of coffee and a smile and that was all. "Baby, we cant…not right now." I groaned as she unbuttoned my shirt. "I am going to shower with you." She said with a sparkle in her eye. One hour later we were bathed, sated and in need of a new shower curtain that bought the farm when fell into it ripping it from the rod. We agreed never to have sex again while standing up.

After a wonderful breakfast of blueberry pancakes and bacon we started out on our adventure. We climbed up into Aleta’s crew cab F-150 pickup truck and got underway. Between the smooth ride and the full tummy I felt my eyelids begin to grow heavy so I laid my head in Christy’s lap looking for a peaceful nap. As I felt sleep beginning to wash over me Aleta thumped me in the forehead.

"You can’t lay over in your seatbelt like that, if we were to get into an accident it might rip your aorta out."

I opened one eye and growled. "If my aorta falls out you can have it." An argument soon began over seatbelts and aortas. Sometimes medical people were a pain in the ass.

We arrived at the campground an hour later, and as luck would have it we found our favorite spot unoccupied. Aleta and I always camped in the site’s that had electricity and water, which is not considered "roughing it" by some but I figure sleeping on the ground in a tent made up for the small luxuries.

In no time at all we had the tents set up, air mattresses inflated and the screen house put together. We hardly broke a sweat as we went about our chores on the crisp autumn morning. I wasn’t too happy with the placement of our tents. I would have preferred to be a little farther away from Aleta and Thorie. Hearing Aleta in the throes of passion always gave me the giggles. Geez she was loud!

Christy and Thorie got their bikes ready, as Aleta and I put together our fishing gear, it was a ritual that we had all become accustomed to. They would ride all over the campground while Aleta and I hoped to catch our dinner. They would meet us down by the lake later and make jokes about our fishing skills and how glad they were that they remembered to pack steaks.

"This time is going to be it." Aleta said with a look of determination. "I am going to catch a fish."

I couldn’t help but chuckle. "Luck has to be on our side sometime. We’ve been coming here for years and haven’t caught anything worth eating yet."

Once our chairs were set up and the cooler with the beer was given top priority on placement we began to prepare our lines. We had every type of bait available, crickets, minnows, lures of every shape and size and worms. I refused to touch a worm, that’s where I drew the line. Aleta took great pleasure in this and pretended to eat one, nearly causing me to give her back the blueberry pancakes we had for breakfast.

For two solid hours we fished without a bite, we both grew restless and began to pace back and forth casting in new spots. On one of these casts I did not realize that Aleta was behind me till I heard. "Whoa!!" I peeked over my shoulder afraid of what I might see. There stood Aleta with my hook caught in the crotch of her jeans complete with a wiggling minnow.

"Oh Leets! Don’t move." I commanded as I looked for the needle nose pliers, with my rod and reel still in hand.

"No you don’t move!" Aleta said in panic as each small gesture I made caused the hook to dig deeper into her jeans.

I dropped the rod and approached her with the pliers. "Oh hell no Donna! You are not going to touch anything down there with those pliers." She said as she pointed at her crotch.

"Just let me cut the line Leets."

She snatched the pliers from me when I got close enough and snipped the line. She did her best to dislodge the hook only making it worse. "Let me do it." I said as I reached between her legs.

"No don’t touch!" She said slapping my hands away.

"Let me do it!" I barked as I reached between her legs again. I heard a gasp just to my left and noticed a nice elderly couple taking an afternoon stroll. I noticed how the woman put her hand to her mouth in horror. And from their vantage point I realized how odd what we were doing must have looked.

"She’s got a fish hook in her pants." I offered sheepishly but the old couple turned and walked away as fast as they could.

"Oh that’s just great! Now the old folks think they have just witnessed you fondling me in the middle of the park!" Aleta hissed.

Thorie and Christy chose that moment to ride up on us. "Oh I see you have managed to catch something this time." Thorie said with a grin.

"Looks like a split tail bass to me." Christy chimed in.

For dinner that night we had steaks. After enduring an afternoon of relentless jokes from Christy and Thorie we were finally allowed to enjoy the peaceful evening. We sat around the campfire and roasted marshmallows and to our surprise no one lost an eye or got burned. That is until Fred came to visit.

The cute little raccoon made his way into our camp. We were alerted to his presence when he skillfully tore into a bag of potato chips inside the screen house. I was elected to evict the raccoon who we affectionately named Fred. When I unzipped the screened tent where we kept most of our food Fred got the hint and made a hasty retreat, thinking that was the end of Fred’s antics I rejoined the group next to the fire.

"Fred said thank you for the chips." I announced as I lay back down on the blanket with Christy who was in a cuddling mood. She nibbled my ear and whispered all of the things she was looking forward to when we were alone in the tent. This trip was getting better by the minute.

"Let’s tell scary stories." Thorie suggested with a gleam in her eye.

"Oh I have one!" Aleta exclaimed excitedly. "It happened in this very spot when Donna and I were still in high school." Of course Aleta had our attention, and Christy snuggled in closer to me waiting for the tale of horror to be woven. Aleta lowered her voice for dramatic effect.


"It was the first time we had ever camped at this site. We decided to turn in for the night and all of us went to the bath house to take showers…"

"We? Who is this "we" you are speaking of? Thorie asked with an arched brow.

"Just a girl I dated." Aleta smiled. "I was still in high school baby, I didn’t even know you then." After Aleta had finished kissing ass she went on with her story. "Anyway I had come back from the bathhouse alone and that’s when I saw it. Its pale glow was reflected in the moonlight. I thought I was going to have a heart attack on the spot!

Christy’s body stiffened next to mine. "Was it a ghost?"

"No something much worse. It was Donna’s date without her makeup."

"That joke is as old as the hills asshole." It was still funny but I was determined not to laugh.

"So you had sex with an ugly woman at this campsite and neglected to tell me about it after all the times we have come here together?" Christy asked as her eyes narrowed into little slits.

"That was a very long time ago, and Aleta’s girlfriend was even uglier. That kid had a mole on her forehead with its very own eyebrow."

"Yeah, well yours had such big bucked teeth she could eat corn off the cob through a picket fence." Aleta jumped in defending her three eyed woman.

"Enough! You two are just being cruel now. Christy I am going to the bath house you want to join me?" Thorie said as she stood. The way they marched off made Aleta and I both aware we were not invited.

"I was being seriously groped under this blanket and you had to screw it up! Thanks a lot crotch cricket!" I snarled at my best friend.

Aleta opened her mouth to strike back, and then smiled. "Crotch cricket? That’s a new one, I like it. We muffled our giggles lest we tempt the wrath of our lover’s who were on their way to the showers.

"Well that just leaves more beer for us." Aleta giggled as she pulled another one from the cooler and passed me one as well. We had managed to polish off three beers a piece before Thorie and Christy joined us at the campsite, and were enjoying a little buzz. Thorie went straight to their tent, and Christy grabbed a bag of cookies before climbing into ours without a word.

The bathhouse was clean and smelled of bleach but still it grossed me out. I hated showering in flip flops and I chanted to my self "don’t touch the walls" as I bathed. It’s a real art stepping into your underwear while attempting to balance on wet flip flops. I felt triumphant when I left the bathhouse squeaky clean and unscathed.

I entered our tent carefully, not sure if I would find a Christy bear inside showing her teeth. She was laying on her side facing the tent with her back to me. I undressed and climbed onto the air mattress and snuggled up behind her. I nuzzled the back of her neck kissing the one spot she found irresistible. She shrugged me off, but I heard a muffled giggle. She wasn’t really mad but she was in the mood to play hard to get.

I kissed and nibbled down her spine as I lightly ran my fingertips down her side. Her resolve was quickly crumbling evidenced by the little noises she made. I coaxed her onto her back and lay fully on top of her reveling in the feel her soft skin next to mine. She tangled her fingers in my hair as I kissed her neck and rubbed my thigh between her legs.

It was that moment when Fred decided to pay us another visit. Smelling the cookies he sniffed the outside of our tent. Neither of us heard him over all of the heavy breathing. Fred pressed his little coon face into the side of the tent to get a better whiff of the baked goodies Christy had brought in earlier, just inches from her face. When she opened her eyes and saw that little animal face wrapped in the blue fabric of the tent she lost her mind, and let loose a scream that I was certain would leave me deaf in my left ear.

Thorie and Aleta began to scream as well thinking we were being attacked by an axe wielding murderer, and nearly tore their tent down trying to get out of it. Curious campers converged on our site to find a naked redhead and brunette trying to tear their way our tent. And that’s when park security arrived.

Due to the display at the campsite and the one by the lake we were banned from the campground for life. We were too embarrassed to protest, as the park ranger explained that exhibitionism is not acceptable at a family park. We will all miss that place very much, but I am optimistic that we will find a new place to degrade and humiliate ourselves soon.

The End

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