Disclaimers: See Chapter 1. Any other comments can be sent to me at bironel@gmail.com
Synopsis: A novella about the an insanely wealthy white woman's search for her soul mate and the debt ridden black woman writer, with a vivid imagination, who tries to keep out of her way.
Medical Misdemeanors
I hate wearing with this stupid paper gown feeling every tendril of ice cold finger-like breezes attacking my body. My nipples quickly harden matching my mien.
I look around the examination room while sitting on top of the examination bed at the center of the room. Blood pressure cuff apparatus on the wall. Tongue depressors in a glass canister set beside another canister full of cotton balls. This room is a medical cliche.
I look at the various closed drawers certain that needles of every shape and size rest therein waiting to be used, in addition to an assortment of equipment design to probe internally.
I wince at the thought.
I look longingly at all my clothes, neatly folded, in the chair beside the weighing scale.
A doctor enters my room, considerably late after I was told to strip--a numbing thirty minute wait. This doctor is a petite Asian woman wearing ridiculously large eyeglasses which swallow her narrow face. She wears a red name tag on her long white coat.
Stuffed in her coat pocket is a black stethoscope. She smiles at me, turns to wash her hands and don latex gloves.
Ok bitches this shit be on. I enjoy my Hood Rat Nailah - she comforts me in moments such as this.
Doctor Li: Good morning Ms. Brown. My name is Doctor Li. We have a series of tests to run today.
Nailah: Series of tests?? I thought I just had to pee in a cup and give my stats - you know weight, height, blood pressure.
Doctor Li: Your history states you are indigent and haven't been under medical care in over four years.
Nailah: I'm not indigent just unemployed!
Doctor Li: Ms. De Klerk-Zwart insists we have everything checked out.
Nailah: What sort of tests? And how long is this gonna take?
Doctor Li: We'll of course check you for common chronic aliments, diabetes, high blood pressure, STD's… you do realize any prescriptions you need will also be covered, at no cost to you.
I note the good doctor doesn't reveal the temporal factor to all these tests. Omission of information suggests my pissed off meter is going to be rather high.
Nailah: Fine the quicker you get started the sooner I can get out of here.
Doctor Li: Well... I've scheduled you for an overnight stay…
Nailah: Overnight???
Doctor Li: I was instructed to conduct a psych profile as well.
Nailah: Forget it. I'm out of here!
I jump off the exam bed, grab my clothes and prepare to head for the closest bathroom to make like Wonder Woman with the act of re-dressing. I wonder if being an Amazon is the reason she never got dizzy, as I open the closed exam room door.
The doctor's voice stops my motion.
Doctor Li: Ms. De Klerk-Zwart was explicit that she wants to ensure you don't have any medical complications which would invalidate your employment with her.
I turn and fire my ire at the poor doctor.
Nailah: She's hiring me to be a writer not her bodyguard! She can't have possibly made her other “employees” undergo this crap!
Doctor Li: Actually this is SOP for Ms. De Klerk-Zwart - for all her employees - regardless of duties. Pause. At least you'll have a thorough health profile at the conclusion - and perhaps treatment, should anything be awry, again at no cost to you. Whether you get the position or not, I'd advise you to do this for yourself. I am concerned that you've gone so long without any access to general medical health care.
I think on it for a minute or I let this blood ghoul think I'm thinking on it. Doctor Li had me at the free medical exam and prescriptions but I didn't want her to think I was some freeloader. Besides my hesitancy comes from being a bit perturbed about someone poking their nose into my mental faculties. Who knows what I might inadvertently reveal during the psych evaluation?
Nailah: Who gets all the information you gather about me besides Ms. De Klerk-Zwart?
Doctor Li: Anything I find that has no affect on your abilities will be held in the strictest confidence between you and I.
Nailah: Let's not forget the government.
Detective Nailah: I'm well heeled on the current--remembering that patriot law thingy.
Doctor Li: I wouldn't worry about the government. They have a gargantuan amount of information they continually gather which is growing exponentially. They have no one with the expertise or the organizational skills to evaluate the validity of any of it let alone figure out what any of it suggests, beyond targeting questionable keywords and phrases.
Nailah: So you asking me to trust in the government's ineptitude?
Doctor Li: That's a good way to put it. Besides the worst that could occur is you get more pharmaceutical advertisements tailor made for you.
That's brilliant! Spending resources on someone who has none. Hmmm being unemployed has some advantages. The good doctor takes my silence as my consent to the affirmative. I'm not going to turn my nose up at free stuff for my benefit.
Doctor Li: Let's get started, shall we? A few questions. Are your cycles regular? When was the last one? Do you have any allergies?
Nailah: Regular like a swiss clock. I'm due in about two or three days. None that I'm aware of.
The Cardiovascular / Musculoskeletal Exam (Nazis!)
I am in a small windowless white room standing on a treadmill exposing my multi striped purple Hanes My Way™ thigh high briefs, matching my lavender bra, under the stylish white paper gown with plastic tie stays.
In my mouth is a large sterile tube attached to some machine designed to to measure my respiration while numerous metal electrodes are attached to my chest via the miracle of a sticky conductive lube.
What the hell have I gotten myself into?
The fun begins.
Sadistic Doctor Li starts the tread mill on a low setting and by her command I begin to walk on it. Easy enough until the Korean hussy revs up the speed and the incline.
I send invisible poisonous eye darts to her through my huffing and puffing, as my heart rate slowly climbs and my feet run like the devil was after me - while standing still. I can't understand why the she-beast hasn't fallen under my mental assault?
Doctor Li drones on about the test results in some secret language known only to healers - so I tune her out to listen to myself.
Detective Nailah: She probably isn't Korean. Li is a Chinese transliteration. If she was Korean her surname would be spelled Lee.
Oh you're back are you smarty pants? How about you run on this contraption and I hang about making snide comments?
Detective Nailah: You do realize we both are being physically tested so in a sense I'm already running.
Not that shit again!
Detective Nailah: Fine. I'll pop back when you need me - and you'll need me soon enough.
What do I mean by that?
Silence.
Fine now that I want comments I get the silent treatment? Explain what I meant by that!
Oh shit! I must have sub-vocalized that through the tube as Doctor Li stops talking and stares strangely at me.
Doctor Li: I meant you have an excellent cardiovascular system, sorry for the technical jargon. Let's allow you some recovery time, a bit of orange juice and then start up with the next part okay?
The Neurology Exam
This bit was straight forward. Doctor Li tested my responses to different sorts of stimuli. Although that last bit of stimuli over my chest made me so uncomfortable I was contemplating a sexual harassment charge. However Detective Nailah couldn't be bothered to offer any observations so I left my sense of being dis-eased alone to dissipate.
She can sulk in silence for all I care at least there will be quiet in my head. I hope she doesn't come out during the psych test!
The GYN Exam (Damn Perverts!)
This bit was exceedingly embarrassing. I don't care for having my deliciously 3D breasts smashed into one dimension. In a word: Ouch!
If they can't develop a better technique to detect cancer then the damn cells can have the run of the place!
I wasn't expecting a pap smear. I want to go on record and exclaim that the plastic thingy that opens you up hurts! A lot damn it! Couldn't they develop one that didn't hurt so much?
-----
They must have seen something problematic inside me during the pap smear because I'm in a surgical suite prep'ed for an exploratory.
How'd they find that out so fast? I thought it took months for them to give you results from lab tests. Money really can buy anything and in a timely fashion. I'm so nervous, scared something is really wrong down there.
I wish my Auntie was here.
I tried to live a chaste life - never obsessing about the acquisition of sex - having had only one decent sexual partner when I was in college. He was a nice guy with skills in the bedroom but beyond that there was really no chemistry between us, so he dumped me.
Detective Nailah: You manipulated him into dumping us.
Oh now you're back! Forget about our college sex boy, I'd rather we discuss the immediate problem at hand - strangers opening me up with metal implements. I could die you know then who would you annoy for kicks?
Detective Nailah: This is just an exploration of our innards so stop wigging out! You should realize that if we die during this procedure this death is probably covered by insurance. I'm certain Ms. De Klerk-Zwart will also throw Auntie a couple of thousand to handle our remains. Besides you did manipulate that boy into leaving when we lied and told him we were pregnant.
Well he didn't disappoint as he left me high and dry.
I smile over that innocent deception as the anesthesia quickly knocks me out. I fall asleep on the last thought from--
Hood Rat Nailah: These fuckers better leave all the normal stuff inside me alone - I don't respond well to surprises.
The Draining of my Precious Fluids (Sick Twisted Ghouls!)
I awoke with a dry mouth, photophobia and a slight dull pain in my groin. There are two a small stitches on both sides slightly above my groin area. I discovered them when the incisions started to itch.
I look like a freak being completely bald down there. I was almost ready to tear the joint up until the good Doctor Li explained that I had a slight herniation which they kindly fixed - bless ‘em.
Hood Rat Nailah (unpleasant when vexed): That better be all they did.
Detective Nailah: This aspect of us is merely violent. My skills in retributions mirror those of the darkest of arts.
I'm happy to note, even in the midst of internal discord, my various mental projections are united in retribution when wronged.
Now the part I expected: Blood and urine.
My urine was quite pale, almost clear in color with no noticeable smell. Clean living will do that all the time. I should sell my urine to Wall Street stockbroker addicts - that's how clean I run Nailah Inc. I was also quite proud of my skill to pee in the plastic cup without spraying any on my hand.
Why do guys have trouble with this? They come with a spout attached. I never spill stuff with a spout attached - pitchers, beakers, measuring cups all have spouts. I've used them often enough and I never spill anything with them.
Maybe men get confused. Maybe peeing for them has the same sensations as being sexually aroused. Ewww that puts a different POV on oral sex doesn't it? Yeech! That would explain spilling all over the place when you come with a spout - quite a pleasurable spout too.
I've decided to have more compassion for my next sex partner. Men do have difficulties we rarely notice and they won't reveal them. The big dummies! Yes more compassion is the future goal.
Detective Nailah: That's big of us.
The Sleep Lab Experience and the Dreaded Psych Evaluation
I've been poked, examined, cut into and now I'm prepared to go to sleep, with two people monitoring me all night. Who said I don't have a social life?
I settle down into a rather comfy full-size firm bed with soft pillows, a soft blanket / comforter set and uncomfortable electrodes attached to my head.
I've gotten Doctor Li to agree to help me with my intermittent insomnia. Actually Detective Nailah thought that would be a good idea. She's a help I'll admit it but she can be quite a pain in the ass too.
Detective Nailah: You should realize since I exist at the nexus of your conscious and subconscious thoughts, I not only can hear our thoughts, I can have Dream Nailah give us nightmares for a week. For you: terror beyond your imagination. For me: endless info to sift through and evaluate.
I can feel my inner evil smile. It's really a shame when one's most dysfunctional relationship is the one, one has with one's self. That psych test in the morning is probably going to open the gate way to my personal hell. Well better get some rest - I'm gonna need it.
-----
Sleeping in the sleep lab wasn't as bad as I thought and I now have some ways to tackle my intermittent insomnia.
This morning I took a lovely shower with some harsh antibacterial soap. I need moisturizer desperately! I couldn't believe how bald I am! Gosh am I gonna itch something awful when it grows back!
I had a decent breakfast - they actually had soy-free vegan fare prepared for me. That was a shocker!
Sitting in this plush office, I can't believe I was so worried about a stupid 350 page questionnaire, which I finished quite easily, I might add. I'm waiting for Doctor Li to wrap this medical episode up so I can be on my way.
I decided that I would take Ms. De Klerk-Zwart up on her offer to write at her loft - but I wouldn't stay there, just clock in and clock out like it is a job. I plan on laying my head down regularly at my Auntie's, where I feel safe. That compromise should net me the money. I'll call Ms. De Klerk-Zwart, when I get home, with my decision.
What sort of name is De Klerk-Zwart? It sounds like “I eat black people” - Let's hope I'm not right.
Doctor Li enters the her office smiling.
Doctor Li: Ms. Brown all the results thus far have been exemplary. You are in good shape considering… In a few days, we should have your blood and drug test results. I am pleased with your results so far. Whatever you are doing keep doing it. Pause. What exactly are you doing?
Nailah: I lean vegan, I exercise daily, I try to interact with others as little as possible and… I avoid Doctors. No offense.
Doctor Li: I can't argue with your results. I would add a vitamin supplement to your regime, one which has a complete vitamin B complex. At the front desk you can pick up some vitamin samples and a stipend to purchase a larger supply. You should be able to find some in most health food stores and pharmacies.
Nailah: Okay am I done?
Doctor Li: You're done. Good luck with the job.
Nailah: Yeah thanks. Hope I don't have to see you again. No offense.
I wasn't ashamed that I never wanted to visit this professional lady again, my comment of “no offense” was in deference to the fact that she must of spent mass quantities of money and time to train in the discipline of healing.
It must be a bummer to learn after all that training, all those late night study periods, all those loans coming due and the insurance payments looming in the near future that no one wants to ever have to visit you and wishes your services were obsolete.
Fully dressed, Nailah leaves Doctor Li's office.
-----
Doctor Li takes three phone calls - two from medical office suppliers and one from a frantic patient who needed an electronic prescription sent to the pharmacy right away. After she finished typing on the computer, another call is routed to her phone line. Doctor Li answers.
Doctor Li: This is Doctor Li speaking. Yes Ms. De Klerk-Zwart, we've finished all the tests. I have sent the preliminary results to you via courier service. You should have that file within the hour.
Long pause.
Doctor Li: No the blood and drug tests won't be completed until at the end of this week. Pause. I'm reluctant to speculate but I'd be very surprised to find anything in the urine sample she provided.
Very long pause.
Doctor Li: That's a bit irregular Ms. De Klerk-Zwart. Of course I understand your impatience. She has no family history of heart disease nor diabetes. She's vegan. Pause. No she was raised vegan, seems she comes from a rare family of three generations of vegans.
Very very long pause.
Doctor Li: That specific information is of a personal nature Ms. De Klerk-Zwart. Pause. Okay I see your point. Ms. Brown is single, never married. She's currently a non sexually active heterosexual female, with a highly developed intellect. Pause. Yes yes I realize one's sexuality is not absolute but on a continuum - Ok. She's very mistrustful bordering on being a functional paranoid. This manifests as an intense privacy and commitment phobia. She can hyper focus on a task to the exclusion of all stimulus around her alternatively she can be highly distracted. No I don't think she has any attention disorders since she is in compete control over these abilities. She has an active imagination almost childlike. Pause. As in, she daydreams excessively.
Doctor Li: Yes she met your specified criteria and exceeded some we hadn't considered - we harvested four, as per your request. When do you want delivery of- Of course that is understandable. Yes I understand. Goodbye Ms. De Klerk-Zwart.
Doctor Li hung up the phone and sat still staring the cold storage canister on her desk with the label BROWN-40O+(4) apprehensive about the number of samples she harvested. It wasn't in her nature to fall to silly superstitions but the number four is an unlucky number. It was a concept drilled into her my her domineering grandmother. She hoped that the misfortune to come would limited itself to the donor and recipient of the samples.