DISCLAIMER: This is merely satire. You know for laughs only. No offense is intended and no offense should be taken.

FEEDBACK: Send to p.phair@comcast.net

THE 2H'ers

by

phair

Part 2

"Like most Hollywood insiders, Penn dodged questions about his 2H'er status. ‘There is a confidentiality agreement,' he coyly told this reporter." Joyce read aloud from one of a stack of newspapers in her lap.

Saul smiled, "I particularly like the quote from Babs. It says something about a turning point in cinema where the responsibility to be informed shifts to the audience."

"Are you kidding me?" Benjy's jaw dropped and he started to rummage through the pile of newspapers. "She said that about my movie? Wow oh wow!"

Connor stared in mute horror at her three traveling companions.

"Here's a good one," Joyce cleared her throat. "Sources tell me that Gibson, Cruise, Fonda, Sheen, Sarandon, Robbins, O'Donnell, and Stone would not comment on their 2H'er status. Many more would not even dare to confirm the name of the movie..."

"Oh wow, listen to this," Benjy interrupted. "The current media swirl around Benjy Benjie's bombshell of a movie is not entirely without controversy. Conservative pundit Hannity expressed frustration with liberal leaning movie makers. He indicated that movies such as this merely perpetuate more of the same. Carlson agreed stating, ‘this is nothing new, just the same talking heads saying nothing.' Oh wow!"

"Bono said something along the lines of it being more important to talk about Africa than 2H'er titles," Saul grinned.

"Ewww, this is from my favorite scandal sheet. ‘Our spy snuck into the super secret private screening and tells us the film is devastating. She said it was like witnessing motion pictures growth from silent to talking.' Too bad the whole world isn't smart enough to see our movie," Joyce said and gave a heavy sigh.

The plane shuddered as it hit turbulence. Connor was certain she would puke from the toxic combination of the conversation and the rocky flight.

"Please Lord, let me just gag on my own vomit and die," she prayed silently.

Saul undid his seat belt. "I've got to go to the little boy's room. You three better put the papers away and start reading scripts. We'll be landing in four hours or so."

Once he shut the bathroom door behind him, Connor spoke, "We've got to tell him. We have to tell Saul the truth. Right now!"

"Babe, let the guy take a dump in peace. I'm mean he's so old he's probably got Crohn's or Irritable PooPoo Disorder," Joyce said. "Or maybe his Probate Gland is as big as my head!"

"Gross," Benjy said with a snarl, "and mispronounced. Listen Connor, I've been thinking about the whole situation and we don't have to tell him anything. Really. This thing has a life of its own. We confirm and deny nothing. Nobody is going to blow it open because it will put their rep's on the line. I hate to admit it but Joyce was pretty clever with the set up. In a narcissistic world, ego guarding is the surest bet."

Joyce nodded enthusiastically.

"Have you both lost your minds?" Connor asked in disbelief.

"What? It's perfect. You two are already media darlings and hot properties. Look at the bunch of scripts Saul brought. I've even got offers for wardrobe design! And, I was so hoping they'd want me for set design. Go figure," Joyce announced with a flourish.

This time Benjy nodded enthusiastically.

"Okay, so you both have indeed lost your minds. Well, I haven't," Connor stated. "What we are doing by continuing the hoax is fraud. People are starting to give us gifts. Plane trips and scripts and clothes and makeovers all because of lies Joyce told. Once we start to make financial gains because of those lies then we become...,"

"Ohhh oooh, I know, pick me. Politicians!" Joyce shouted as she waved her hand around violently.

"...criminals," Benjy said and the smile slipped from his face.

"Yeah, criminals," Connor repeated.

"But, Connor, they are talking Golden Globe nominations...," Benjy whined.

"...Oscar buzz is starting too," Joyce spoke quietly and handed him a paper.

"Oscar?" Benjy questioned.

"It doesn't matter. We could go to jail for stuff like this. Think about how much this plane costs," Connor cautioned. "Besides, you'd need to have a clip to show at those award ceremonies. No movie, no clips."

"What if, I mean, if there was a movie? Would you keep going along with us if there was a movie or will be soon?" Benjy gave her a hopeful look.

Connor blew out a deep breath, "How...,"

"Let us worry about tiny details," Joyce cut her off. "We'll have ninety eight minutes of film ready for viewing in a week. Right, Benjy?"

"Connor, I promise. One week and it will be ready or I will tell Saul the truth myself."

"What truth are we talking about?" Saul asked as he dropped back in his seat.

The trio was quiet for a moment.

"The truth is," Connor began and Benjy dropped his gaze to the floor in defeat. "...the truth is Benjy doesn't really appreciate the films RATTS Studio produces." Connor swallowed hard on the lie.

"No surprise there. They only make crap. It should be renamed CRAPS Studio." Saul gave a hardy laugh. "Oh, hey, what is the name of your movie, anyway? Nothing is the press mentions it by name."

"DUMBSTRUCK," Joyce stated firmly.

The little plane shook with another round of turbulence.

Connor paled.

Benjy began to sweat.

"Hmm, good potential with posters and t-shirts, I should think," Saul rubbed his chin thoughtfully.

Continued...

Return to the Academy