by

C. J. Harte

© 2001

Disclaimers: If you have read this far – you should remember there are in Part ONE.

Thanks: Again to Carla and Bett – they know where I live and are threatening me if I don’t keep posting!!! So thanks for keeping me going and brightening my day with your babysitting stories.

If you have comments, feel free to contact this author at CheyenneCJ@attbi.com

Maggie felt wonderful. The last week had been fantastic, and, except for the brief conflict over the weekend, she had a wonderful time with Susan and her family. Her career was moving. Soon she would leave on tour. Two songs were in the top 40 and moving up the charts. Her picture was the number one draw at the box office with great reviews coast to coast. "Not bad for a novice," she said.

"Novice, hell", she muttered.

Sitting in her hotel room she checked her schedule for the week. "Fuck," she shouted. Picking up the phone, she reached her agent on the first ring. "Who the hell scheduled the interview this week?"

"You did. Remember? You told Sandy you wanted some Florida interviews and I got them for you."

Reluctantly, Maggie remembered the conversation. "How firm is this?" she asked, already knowing the answer.

"Maggie, you know that as well as I do. Nothing is ever firm. If you want to stay in the business, you don't screw with the media, even local media. It’s really easy to be yesterday’s news. And even easier to be forgotten."

"I know. I know. Damn, but I don't have to like it. Be here by 1." Maggie wondered how to keep her promise to Susan to have free time. "Fuck! Where the hell is Sandy?" Getting her assistant on the phone, Maggie passed on the task of calling Susan and changing their plans. She promptly arranged for the rest of her staff to meet in her hotel room at noon and prepare for the two p.m. interview. The television interviewer and cameraperson had been promised an hour.

By one-thirty, Maggie was dressed, groomed and rehearsed. Her staff, including her agent, generally remained present during the interview, but out of camera and microphone range. They wandered in and out discretely, but they were never out of voice range. Promptly, at two, an attractive reporter, her camera operator, and two staff carrying lights, back-up equipment and recorders arrived. Maggie automatically checked the ring hand and smiled when she noticed no wedding ring. Nice, she thought, but no flirting with straight ladies. She stopped herself and remembered she had thought Susan was straight. She felt herself turning red. Not good, she reminded herself. Just keep your mind on work. Don’t screw up with Susan.

Twenty-five minutes later, equipment and lighting had been set up and the formal interview began. The reporter, named Gina Perry, was ecstatic to be getting the interview with M. J. Carson, a coup for her and her career. Carson gave very few personal interviews, and was certainly one of the hottest entertainers at the moment. The station was providing all the support needed to get her byline on the eleven o'clock news and an in-depth three-part series during the prime time news starting tomorrow. Gina Perry had one goal: to get information no one else had gotten. She had heard the rumors about some local business deal, but even more, she was determined to find out who was M. J.'s recent female companion.

The first thirty minutes the interview covered ground agreed on prior to the interview and reviewed during the equipment set-up: her new movie, her early music career, her recent musical successes, and finally her current stay in Orlando.

"We just completed some retakes on our new CD and have been getting ready for our next tour. As you are aware, I performed at the New Year's Party here in Orlando and will be doing another movie for the Disney people. Right now, I am here with my family vacationing but will be going on tour in March."

"Where are your children? I haven't seen them," Perry looked around for evidence of toys and pictures.

Her carefully groomed protectiveness in place, Maggie answered carefully, "My children are not exposed to the media. I want them to enjoy childhood and not have to fear someone is after them."

"Would you mind them going into entertainment or following in their parents' footsteps?"

"No, if that is what they choose. We want them to get an education first. We both did. We feel that helped us make choices in our careers." Maggie paused and began again, trying to deflect the questioning line, "I know you have more important questions than what my children are going to do in twenty years." Maggie flashed her most mischievous grin.

Sensing a door opened, Gina Perry jumped in, "In fact I do. I understand you are negotiating with some locals. Or is a contract signed?"

Slipping on her star persona, Maggie looked directly at the reporter and answered, "Gina, we have a lot of projects under consideration. If I give too many details prematurely, we wouldn't have much bargaining leverage. We are discussing a couple of projects involving some local people. As soon as things are finalized, Gina, I will make sure you are the first to know." Maggie's agent, Karl, grabbed his head and left the room.

"In the last few weeks, you have been traveling with a local resident. Who is she?"

Maggie jumped off the couch and paced. "Stop! I told you I am not talking about any business." Turning and facing Gina Perry, she regained some measure of control before she continued, "Now can we get onto another topic." She again smiled, trying to charm her questioner.

"I am not sure this is business. Is it?"

"What are you asking?" Maggie felt cornered.

"There’ve been rumors of some type of personal involvement. That you and she..." Perry was cut off by Sandy interrupting with a phone call.

Maggie stiffened and glared. "What the hell are you talking about?" She took a step closer to the reporter only be to be stopped by a hand on her arm.

"I'm sorry, Ms. Perry. I was told it was urgent," Sandy handed the cell phone to her boss. Turning to the woman holding the microphone, she continued, "It should take just a moment. Can I get you and your crew something to eat or drink?"

Knowing she was being derailed, Gina Perry quietly fumed, smiled and accepted Sandy's offer. She would get the information.

Maggie walked into her bedroom with the cellular phone. Karl was on the line. "Where the hell are you? I thought you were still here."

"I am," he answered. "I'm calling from one of your bathrooms. I keyed your number into the phone just in case. I only had to hit send to get your phone to ring. Sandy and I worked it out."

"Thanks for telling me."

"Cool it. That's what you pay us the big bucks for."

Maggie laughed and made a mental note to give them a hefty bonus. "Okay, what do I do now?"

"Remain calm. You’re playing into Perry's game. She’s fishing. Get back in there, apologize for the delay. In ten minutes, get up, shake everybody's hand, smile, be charming, then leave with Sandy. She’ll have you out of here before Perry has time to push the down button. Okay?"

"Thanks. Now, I know why you work for me."

"Don't kid yourself," he teased.

Following her agent's instructions, Maggie went back in and apologized for the delay, using business as the excuse. "Now, where were we?"

Gina Perry was ready, "Ms. Carson, there’s been some mention that this woman may not be involved in a business relationship with you. Maybe something more personal?"

"Ms. Perry," Maggie also dropped the first name, "During the last few weeks, I have been spending time with my family and a few friends. You must know my husband and I have many friends. They remain our friends because I respect their privacy. I’m sure you understand that." Looking down at her watch, she stood, "I'm sorry, but I really need to run. My staff will help you and my agent will answer any remaining questions. Thank you all for coming." Speaking briefly to each member of the news crew, Maggie walked around the room. Ending with Gina Perry, she took the reporter's hand and thanked her for being understanding. Sandy led Maggie to the private elevator and the waiting limo.

Gina Perry was not ready to give up. The interview only added to her determination. Carson was a dyke and she was sure of it. One way or another, she would prove it.

Maggie knew she should’ve taken the rental car but wanted to get as far from the hotel as possible...and quickly. When the chauffeur dropped her off at Susan's house, she noticed some neighbors staring. Fuck, she muttered, there goes the neighborhood.

The sound of children's voices floated from the far end of the house and filled it with laughter. She stood and listened. She couldn't remember laughing when she was growing up. Nor could she remember the loud, uncontrolled giggling she heard emanating from her own children. She walked quietly towards the source. In Cady's room, Susan and three young children sat on the floor playing a board game. Maggie stopped mesmerized, and watched. Her feelings were jumbled. Watching Susan, she realized she was experiencing strong, uncomfortable feelings for this woman. The closer Susan got, the more frightened Maggie became. Frustrated and unwilling to pursue this line of thought, she joined the group on the floor.

"How's my hugger muggers?" Maggie grabbed her two children and wrestled with them on the floor. She saw Cady crawl into her mom's lap while Susan became quiet and tense.

Shit, she thought. Not tonight.

Her thoughts were interrupted by Beth pulling out from her mother's arm and asking, "Mom, can we live here? I like playing with Miss Susan and Cady and we get to see more of you. Could Dad and Uncle Paul live here, too, and be Cady's daddy? She doesn't have one."

Stunned, Maggie was lost for an answer. Struggling for a reply, she avoided looking at Susan. "Beth, we have our own house in California. We can visit often...if Susan doesn't mind?" This was a level of discomfort unfamiliar to Maggie. Her first thought was to call Sandy but she couldn't figure out what she could ask her to do that would fix the situation.

Susan's voice broke through her thoughts. Turning and looking at her, Maggie saw a tear slipping down from golden eyes. "Beth, you and your family are always welcome." Getting up, Susan lifted Cady up and walked out.

"Mommy, is Miss Susan mad at me?" Beth's young voice was fearful. Burying her face in her mom's lap, she began to cry.

The singer felt the tiny rips in her heart. Old pains and memories flooded in. She was five years old and listening to her father's drunken rage taken out on her mother. She felt helpless and insecure, unsure what to do. Beth's sobbing forced her back to the present. "Baby, Susan's not upset with you. Everything will be okay. She's probably just upset because I’m late. It’ll be all right." Grabbing both children close to her, she rocked them and hummed, mostly to herself, floating in and out of childhood. She struggled to find an answer, yet none came easily.

Maggie remembered the night her mother first got sick. Her father, coming home drunk, demanded his dinner. Maggie tried to get him quiet. For her efforts, she ended up with a broken arm, bruised ribs, and a cut lip. The ambulance took both her and her mother to the hospital. She lied when questioned, afraid to leave her mother alone. When she finally got home, she sat in the closet and cried. She was physically hurt and frightened. Her mother died a month later and she felt responsible. The beatings continued. Maggie fought. His drunkenness generally provided her enough time to avoid serious injury, until she again ended in the Emergency Room with another broken arm. The next morning when Family Services came to get her, she remembered asking what she had done wrong. Why didn't her father love her?

The social services worker asked where her father was and the confused teen answered truthfully, "I don’t know. I haven’t seen him since my accident."

"Margaret, how did you break your arm?" the older woman asked.

"I told them at the hospital. I fell. Why are you taking me? My dad will be angry?" The teen stopped at the woman’s car. "I’m not supposed to leave with strangers. I can’t go." A neighbor approached wondering what was happening. "Please, I can’t."

"What’s going on?" the neighbor asked.

"Mrs. Reed, this lady is taking me away. My dad will be angry."

Thelma Reed placed her arm protectively around the girl. "Who are you? I think we need to call the police." At that moment a car drove up and two uniformed officers stepped out.

"We’re sorry, Ruth, we were delayed getting here. Is everything okay?"

The social worker smiled and explained the situation. The neighbor held tight to Maggie. "Thank heavens. I’m so glad you are taking her away. I’m the one who took Maggie to the hospital last night. I couldn’t stand it any more. We’ve only lived here three months. It didn’t take long to figure out what was going on."

The 15-year-old stood stunned and embarrassed. She pulled away from the older woman and tried to run back into the house. One of the officers stopped her and pulled her back towards the social worker. "I’m sorry, but we can’t leave you here. We’re looking for your father. Do you know where he is?" The dark haired child shook her head ‘no.’ She refused to look up. "Does he have someplace he usually goes?" She shrugged her shoulders. "Is he at work?" Again she shook her head ‘no.’ "Margaret, we need to make sure you are safe. You are too young to leave alone and we cannot allow your father to hurt you. Do you have any family in the area?"

The scared youngster pleaded, "I told them I fell. It was my fault. My father wouldn’t hurt me." She tried to pull away, but the officers were stronger. Within minutes she was out of the safe arms of her neighbor and into the social worker’s car. Tears flowed as she stared out the window, helpless and afraid. Two days later her best friend’s parents came to the shelter and moved her into their home. They tried to make her feel at home, but already the young teen had begun to shut down and feel isolated.

Maggie held her children and reassured them. She needed someone to hold her but she knew it was too late.

Chapter 13

Settling her kids down was harder than Maggie imagined, but soon both were sitting quietly, if not happily, in front of the television in the family room. Cady offered to share her book with D. J. and Beth, but the two siblings remained seated on their own couches. Seeing the disappointment, Maggie kissed Cady on the head and thanked her for sharing. The smile the young child gave her warmed the chill in her heart. Susan, however, was a different kind of problem; one she wasn't sure how to handle. This was getting too complicated, she thought. She wasn't sure she was capable of making a commitment. "Nothing is forever", she reminded herself.

Maggie stopped. The thought of losing Susan was overwhelming. Her hands clammy, she could feel the sweat forming, even in the air-conditioned house. "I don't need her, " Maggie muttered. Maggie stopped. She did need Susan.

Wandering out to the backyard, she found Susan siting on a lawn chair. The smell of oranges filled the night air. Kneeling in front of the silent blonde, she reached for Susan's hand and tried to talk, but found speech difficult.

"Look, Maggie...," Susan began, avoiding eye contact.

Anguished, Maggie put her hand up to Susan's lips. "Listen, please!" This was difficult and unfamiliar territory and Maggie was afraid. Afraid of her feelings. Afraid of losing Susan. Afraid of her own ghosts. "Beth didn't know..."

Pulling away from the woman at her feet, Susan interrupted, "Maggie, this is not about Beth. This is about you and me. I’ve been on this roller coaster and I don't know where I am going. My whole life-and my family's-has been uprooted and we are expected to come and go...or wait, as the case may be," Susan paused to hold back the tears close to taking control, "for whatever is your latest whim. I don't live like that. Even my mom doesn't live like that. And I certainly try to provide more stability for my child."

"Susan, please, wait..."

"No, Mags, you wait. When Cady and I went to my room, she was crying because she thought you and the kids were leaving and she would not see any of you. She's accustomed to people being around for birthdays, holidays, and for whatever. And..., I am too. She loves you Maggie, and D.J., and Beth. You've become part of her family." She hesitated before looking at Maggie. "And I love you. I have from almost the first moment I saw you." Her voice became soft and reminiscent. "I thought you were magic. I still do. I never knew I could feel such passion, such love...'til you. I love you, Maggie." She stopped, wiping tears before continuing, "The really sad part is that I’m afraid to tell you how much because you might run away." Tears flowed freely now. Susan could no more stop them then she could hold back the tides on the beach or the love she felt for this woman.

"Susan, you know how much I care about you and Cady." It was true, she did care, but she felt overwhelmed. Love was not something she had much experience with. Lots of people had told her they loved her. Some of them she hated. Others said anything for money or a fuck. Love was a matter of convenience rather than an emotion. "I'm here. What more do you want?"

"How about 'I love you, Susan. I want to spend my life with you Susan. I don't want to spend my life without you, Susan.' That would be a good start."

Maggie stood up and walked back and forth in front of her friend. The rips in her heart were becoming huge holes. "Susan, you must know how important you are. I...I," Maggie returned and sat near Susan, "I don't ever remember feeling this way. Susan, I'm not sure I know what love is. Maybe, what I am feeling is love."

Maggie stared down at her hands, her voice becoming distant. "Sometimes, when I was little, I would sneak out of bed at night and see my mother sitting at the kitchen table crying. Once I came in and asked what was wrong. She just said 'No one told me love would hurt like this.' We never said 'I love you' in my house. So I made getting away my love, until I met Derek. He is my friend. He is always there for me. I guess I love him. And I love my kids. But that is a different kind of love. That feels safer, more secure. I don't know." Sighing, she continued, "When Paul came along, I was so afraid of losing Derek that I again focused on my career. In my life, the people who said they love me have left me, used me, or...or beat me. Love means pain. Love means leaving." The quiet blonde felt the pain emanating from her lover and was filled with sadness. "You...you've changed everything. And, now," reaching over and grabbing Susan's hand, she continued, "I want you to be a part of it. I don't want to lose you, Susan. I don't understand why you love me, or why you stay. I fear you will just go away. Or find someone else." This revelation startled Susan. "This damn reporter today was asking questions about you and I can't...."

"What reporter?" Susan asked as she again leaned back in her chair. She pulled her knees up against her chest and wrapped her arms around them as if this simple act could ward off further intrusions into her life.

"Gina Perry, from one of the local stations."

"Perry has a reputation for being a bull dog. What did you tell her?" Susan remembered Ed's comments and wondered if this was the same person.

"Don't worry. She’s fishing."

"Maggie, what did you say?" Susan was getting impatient.

"Nothing, damn it! I told you. Susan, please. I don't want to lose you. This is all so confusing." She didn’t want to talk about Gina Perry. Her emotions were jumbled. Putting her head in her hands, she tried to explain.

"Susan, I don't know about forever. I don't know what love means. In my family, everyday was a matter of survival. My mother, when she died, was too tired of living to love any one. She tried to love me, but she was just too damn tired. And then she was gone. My brother and sister and I were never close. I was grateful when my father picked one of them to beat on instead of me. Grateful, do you hear me? And they were out of there as soon as they could, leaving me at 14 to fend for myself. My dad getting arrested when I was 15 was a gift. I hated him," Maggie spat out. Susan shivered at the intensity of emotions.

Maggie drifted back to another time. "God, I hated that bastard. And my brother and sister for leaving me there. I can’t remember a time when I didn’t have to take care of myself. There was nobody there to help me or love me. I washed my own clothes, cooked my own food, lied about my age so that I could get a part time job and get out of the house. Later I would come home and study. I don’t know how to love someone or even how to let someone love me. All I know is how to survive." Her eyes were on fire as she spoke. "Meeting Derek in college was a fluke. He became my friend, my first real and only friend, until I became successful. Suddenly everybody was my friend and everybody loved me." She sighed, feeling old and tired.

"Susan, I don’t know what love is. People tell me they love all the time. Most of my lovers have said it so easily and certainly in the thralls of orgasm it seems to be a requisite. But I was more a trophy. Or the friendly banker with deep pockets. Screw the bitch and she’ll give you something expensive." Her words were harsh and cruel, born from years of using and being used. "I can tell you I love you if that's what you want to hear. But it’s just words. God, if ever there was a time I wanted know about love, it is now and it is you." A sob slipped out, punctuating the moment. The dam broke and Maggie felt years of anger and loneliness plunge into the open. She could not stop. These emotions had found a way out and would not be silent. At least, not yet.

Further comment was halted with the arrival of a car in the driveway. Maureen appeared agitated as she parked. Susan stood up, wiped her tears and went over to her mother. "Mom, what's the matter?"

Maureen's Irish temper was in full bloom. "There are people standing in front of the house, blocking the driveway. Not neighbors. I know everyone in this block. One of them had a camera. I had to threaten to run some people down before I could get in my own driveway."

"Who are they, Mom?"

"I don't know, but I'm going to call the police."

Maggie jumped into the discussion. "Why don't we find out what they want?"

Maureen turned and looked at Maggie, "They want to know who drove up in the limousine. And, if M. J. Carson is staying here. Apparently you are on the evening news. I told them there is no M. J. Carson in the house, only my family."

"Maureen, I'm sorry. I didn't mean for any of this to happen. The kids and I will move back to the hotel right away."

"You will not. You are a part of this family and I won't...." Noticing the red rimmed eyes of the two young women before her, she said, "It looks like I’m interrupting something. You two talk, I’ll go in and check the kids." Before they could protest, Maureen was in the kitchen.

"Nothing is going right today. I am so sorry, Susan."

I don't know what to do-go and talk to my mother or stay and talk to Maggie. She is a hurt, abandoned child. She throws out bits and pieces of her life in painful chunks and we are supposed to deal with it. She has so much pain, but what can I do? My own life is out of control, but I don't want to lose her.

Maggie is walking back towards the house. Defeat hangs over her. Her arms hang lifelessly. "Mags, wait." I've got to try. "Maggie, please don't leave." She has stopped but doesn’t turn around. I walk up and put my arms around her, leaning into her back. I feel the sobs I can't see. I want to erase her pain. I whisper, "Please stay." She nods, yet pulls away and walks into the house. An icy distance is growing between us.

Winter nights in central Florida are beautiful. The temperatures often drop into the 50's and the humidity is low. Tonight a gentle breeze caresses the city. I hear leaves on the orange trees rustling, trees filled with their golden fruit. Most of my life, this has been my world-this large backyard with its graceful fruit trees and the one large magnolia tree my parents planted many years ago. I don't remember them ever being small. This has been my refuge. Somehow, it doesn't seem as safe anymore.

Mom is in the kitchen with Cady. I love watching them. Mom smiles as I come in. "Maggie took her children back to their room. I don't know what is going on but she looks scared, honey."

"I know. What can I do to help?"

"Why don't you get Maggie and the kids ready for dinner? Susan, if you want to talk, I do listen."

"Thanks, Mom." She hugs me and pushes me towards the bedrooms.

Maggie is sitting on the floor leaning against the twin beds. Beth sits next to her, her eyes closed. D. J. sits on his mother's lap softly talking to her. My arms ache to surround them but instead I stay by the door and listen.

"Mom, I wanna go home. I miss Daddy and Uncle Paul." Four year old D.J. is restless.

"I know. We’ll be going home soon. I miss them, too, but I would also miss Susan and her family."

"I wanna go home!"

"Don't you like Susan and Cady?"

D.J. puts his head down and doesn't respond. I walk in and sit near them. My heart is breaking. "D.J., I love you and Beth and I love your mom, too." Beth's eyes are open and attentive. "You two are lucky to have each other. If you go away, we’ll miss you."

A fuzzy brown head shyly looks up and asks, "You mad at my mommy?"

Children have such ability to cut through words and know feelings. "No, D.J., I am not mad at your mom." I talk to D.J., but I look at Mags. There are three children in the room. "I love your mom very much. I want us all to be a family." She looks bruised.

"Are you gonna marry my daddy, too?"

Maggie smiles and ruffles D.J.'s hair. "No!" she laughs. "Then we will be in trouble."

"Come on," I grab D.J.'s hand. "Let's eat. Or my momma will be mad at us."

"I like gran'ma Mameen," D.J. adds. The tension is broken and the children run out of the room. I reach for Maggie's hand to help her up. Halfway up, she pulls me on top of her on the bottom bunk and whispers, "Thank you. I am trying, Susan. I really am." Her kiss is gentle, tentative. Any ideas about playing end when Beth returns to the room. We both quickly sit up.

"Miss Susan, I like you. And I like having another girl to play with." Embarrassed, she turns and runs away.

"I like you, too." Maggie whispers in my ear and her hands run up and down my thighs.

"But my mom won't like either one of us if we are late to dinner."

"Are you sure?" she asks.

My body groans with desire, but I answer, "Yes." It is a weak yes. We laugh and join the others. Mom has many questions but asks little. For once I am glad. I, too, have unanswered questions.

The kids go to bed after several rounds of a board game. Mom hugs Maggie and then me. "No matter what, I love you," she whispers in my ear. "I always have and always will." I know, Mom.

Maggie helps turn off lights as we walk towards the bedroom. "Thank you for this evening. I wish I could be everything you want." My arms answer, ‘you are.’

That night we make love with such intensity I cannot control the tears. Something is different. I feel a vulnerability in Maggie I have not noticed before. An eagerness and neediness. And, I...I cannot get enough of her. It frightens me to feel vulnerable and out of control. She knows my body well and I respond to her touch, her desire, her need. "I love you, Maggie," I whisper as I come. I feel her urgency and my hand reaches for her. I want to touch her wetness, to feel her tremble as I have. As I touch her she begins to slide up and down against me. I am drowning in her love. I want to taste her but she cries out and comes. She wraps herself around me. It is then I hear, "I do love you, Susan, but I’m scared." I hold her close.

Morning comes too soon and I haven't slept. Imaginary conversations fill my mind with "what ifs..."

"You really haven't known her that long. What about taking time to get to know her?"

"Oh, but, I know I love her. There is such a thing as love at first sight."

"For whom?"

Or...

"She told me she loved me."

"Yes, in the heat of passion. What about the next morning when you are sitting at the breakfast table with curlers in your hair and cream on your face? Think she will repeat that?"

"I don't wear curlers or cream."

"You're avoiding the question. Will she repeat it?"

Or...

"You are out of control. You've thrown away your life and your family's for a piece of..."

"Stop it. That's not true. I love her. And she loves me. She told me so."

And then it starts again.

Maggie, however, sleeps. Once, during the night, she becomes restless, having a bad dream. But, as I held her, she returned to a sound sleep. The endless questions return. Around 6 a.m. I decide to get up. After a quick shower, I dress and head for the kitchen. The smell of coffee reminds me mom is there. How long has it been since I spent a morning talking to her before Cady gets up.

"Good morning." Mom is always cheery. Today there is a question in her greeting.

"Hi, mom. I love you."

"Well, I love you, too. How are Maggie and the children? Susan, I don't want to interfere..."

"Yes, you do." I hug her and sit down. "Okay, what do you want to tell me."

"I'm asking." My heart is pounding, wondering what she will ask. I am quite unprepared for her actual question. "Do you know why there are people hanging around the front of our house?" Bless mom. She always has a way of keeping us all grounded.

"I have an idea. Maggie is being recognized wherever she goes."

"Well, if they come back, I think I will sell lemonade and charge for pieces of grass." Great mom-when life gives you a lemon....

We talk more and I realize how fortunate I am. She listens to my fears and offers support. She hears Maggie's tale and offers love. This makes me more aware of the differences in my and Maggie's families. I wonder if we can make it work.

I slide back into a warm bed and curl up against Maggie. She turns and begins kissing me. I must stop her now or my voices will never shut up.

"Maggie, do you love me?"

She sits up, agitated. "Please. Let's not get into anything heavy this morning." I try to protest but she adds, "You know how I feel about you. Let's play. We have so little time." She smiles and tries to take my clothes off. I climb out of bed. I've got to have an answer.

"Maggie, please, I need to talk. Do you remember what you said last night?" A puzzled expression covers her face. Fear wraps itself around me.

"What time? Which one?" Sitting up and curled into a ball, she pauses. "Hmmm, did I say something wrong?" I nod. "Oh, god, let see. I promised to fix breakfast."

"Maggie, I am serious. Did you mean it when you said you love me?"

"Of course. I always say what I mean."

"Maggie, why can't you say it now?" She just looks at me and turns away. I'm exasperated. "Is this just about sex? I’m beginning to feel that way."

A naked lady wanders around my room, her wonderful, magical hands touching things as she walks. I try not to look at her for desire is at war with the fear. My knees betray me and I sit on the edge of the bed.

"Susan..." Maggie continued to walk around, oblivious of her nudity or its effect on her lover. "This is not about sex. I just don't know what to say. I want you and need you in my life." The truth of her words echoes within her own heart. "You’re part of every thought I have, every breath I take. I sometimes I think of life without you and it scares the shit out of me." Anger and fear resurrected her insecurities, "Why do you need to put labels on things? There are people who use words all the time and don't have what we have."

Susan sat on the bed trying to understand her friend. A charming lopsided smile from Maggie tugged at her heart. Every ounce of logic and control in her body was enlisted into action. Her emotions wanted to trust Maggie but her head wanted a clearer commitment. Yet, there were traitors inside her reminding her to take one day at a time. Stupid 12-stepper, she wanted to shout.

Reaching out to touch the golden hair, Maggie spoke, "I'm going to L.A. for a few days the end of the week. Let's talk when I get back. Promise."

Susan nodded, hoping they could work things out. "I don’t want to lose you, Mags, but I am trying to get some order in my life." Sighing, she added, "And I’m trying to understand you. I’m not these other people. I’m not after your money. And I definitely am not interested in your fame." Both women laughed. "I can’t understand, if you don’t talk to me. Sometimes I find myself trying to play mind reader. Then all of a sudden you open and dump out stored up anger. I’m trying, too. Please, don’t shut me out."

Maggie felt an old wariness exert itself. She struggled with her feelings for the woman in front of her and her usual distrust of people. "Talking about my feelings is not easy. I’ve shared more with you than I have with anyone except Derek. It’s just not something I spend a lot of time doing. Let’s take things slow. Okay?"

Laughing again, Susan answered, "It’s a little late to slow down." Chagrined, Maggie agreed. "Maggie, I love you. I haven’t said that to anyone else outside my family. I want to know more about you. I want to share my life with you. But, if you don’t feel the same way, I don’t want to wait for you to tell me. I’d rather know now."

Seeing the golden woman tense, Maggie put her arms around her lover. "Susan," she began tentatively, "there isn’t anyone I’d rather be with or rather share my life with. We just deal differently with our feelings. I don’t want to lose you. Please, give me a little time." Susan agreed, unsure of what other recourse she had.

My sister calls to remind me about her birthday plans. I realize we haven't talked much. Feeling guilty, I promise to call back and confirm the plans. The day has begun its downhill travel. There are no docents to provide detailed information about the territory.

At breakfast mom informs us a neighbor talked to some of the people outside the house. The neighbor, an active member of Neighborhood Watch, takes the program seriously. Her inquisition revealed that most of the watchers were merely curious about the limousine seen arriving yesterday. Maggie chokes on her cereal. Mom continues, "One, however, seems to be some type of investigator working for one of the TV stations. Genevieve asked him what he was looking for in this neighborhood. He said he'd gotten a call there might be someone important staying in the area. So, you know Genny, she took him inside her house and showed him the family portrait hanging in her living room and offered to give an exclusive interview."

Maggie's curiosity forces her to ask, "What family portrait is hanging in her house?"

"Why, Queen Elizabeth of England and Prince Phillip, of course." Of course! "Genny is a distant cousin of the Prince. She is English and married to an American. The family was horrified, even if he was a part of the diplomatic corps. We have no titles here in America. I got the feeling the investigator left the neighborhood shortly after their chat."

The day is beautiful and I want to be outside. Maggie wants to play tourist and the kids, including Mom, agree. We decide to do the Universal Studio tour and Sea World. We fill the van with people, drinks, and food and are off. The visit to Sea World is fun and uneventful. Universal Studio, however, must be having some type of star reunion. At the first ride, Rosie O'Donnell is being interviewed. Lights, cameras, and microphones abound. As we get into line, she notices Maggie and halts the filming. "Mags. Is that you? Hey, M. J., get over here."

Heads turn and look around. "Take the kids and keep going. I'll meet you at the end of the ride. Please keep the kids away from any cameras. Please."

I nod as she walks away. For the first time I notice the metamorphosis Maggie undergoes. Briefly I wonder how she does it. I see the two hug and chat like old friends. Maggie, sun glasses in place, is deep in conversation.

At the end of the ride Maggie is waiting. "Rosie has been trying to get me on her show. I promised I would soon. She's a good person. I met her at some club. They had comedy night and we were the house band at the time."

That is only the beginning. The stars of a local TV talk show, I recognize their faces, but couldn't recall their name, stop to chat and then leave.

The lead in a local action adventure television program, wandering between takes, grabs Maggie in a bear hug and wants to take her over to the set. She protests but he offers to cancel shooting and spend the day with her. He played college ball with Derek and won't take no for an answer. Maggie agrees to meet him around 3 p.m. for a guided tour for all of us.

During the tour, several more of the stars of shows being produced in Orlando appear. After thirty minutes, Maggie politely excuses herself and herds us out. Just as I think we’ve made our escape, a VIP from the studio stops us and offers to provide special escorts and to arrange dinner for us. I start to say no when Maggie eagerly accepts his offer. He rushes off to make quick arrangements.

"Why, Mags?" I ask.

"Susan, the studio is having some kind of party here today. If I don't accept his offer, we will have someone following us or interrupting us the rest of the day. This way he will feel good because he makes sure we’re not bothered. And, I told him my agent and I would be happy to talk with him next year."

Maggie's decision is a good one. The two young men and one young woman enable us to get on rides and continue the day undisturbed. Our group is accosted several times, but the escorts keep us safe and undisturbed. At the exit gate, they even derail Gina Perry and her camera person. Two of them invite her to talk with their boss while the third drives us in an electric cart to our car. We have dinner at a chain restaurant, sure no one will notice us. It is great.

By the time we get home, there are more people outside the house and a camera truck. I keep the windows up and slowly pull into the driveway. Someone comes up to the van and bangs on the window and shouts. The kids are frightened. Maggie swears. I’m furious. I push the garage door opener and we drive in, just cutting off someone trying to follow behind us.

"Susan, I’m sorry." Maggie reaches for Beth and D.J. and holds them close. "I will get someone out here first thing in the morning."

I climb out of the car, too angry to talk. I open the door and pick Cady up. Mom and Maggie are close behind. Silently we bathe the kids and put them to bed. Mom makes us hot tea and settles down. She is determined to be part of this conversation.

"Susan, I said I’m sorry," she says defensively.

"I’m not angry at you. I just feel violated. Here in my own house."

"Susan B," when I get on a soap box, this is my mom's favorite pet name for me, "they are just being rude and it is Maggie they want. To touch her, talk to her, get her autograph." We both stare at my mom, wondering where she is getting this insight. "Maggie, I know this is the world you live in. You have a huge house with fences and gates and guards. This is not Susan's world. Bless her, she is a bright, talented accountant, but the only autographs she is asked for are on payroll checks. As long as she signs them, the people don't care what she looks like, how old she is, how many heads she has, or whether or not she has teeth." Thanks, mom. "Susan, Maggie didn't plan this. It just happens. She really tries to keep her personal life out of the public's view, especially where her children are concerned. It sounds like there is someone in particular, maybe that reporter at Universal, who may be stirring up some trouble. I think you two girls should kiss and make-up and enjoy the evening. I’m going to bed. You should too." I am speechless. Mom gets up and walks out. No hugs; no good nights. I wonder what she and Mags do, or talk about, when I am not around.

"She's one hell of a lady!" Maggie exclaims. "I think she has some good advice. Let's go to bed." Too stunned to speak, I agree.

The next day Maggie called her assistant. Accustomed to her boss calling at strange hours, Sandy answered the phone on the second ring. "Good morning!"

"M. J., it is six a.m."

"I know. I need some help." Maggie kept talking until Sandy was fully awake. Finally, she explained her problem. "The media is getting out of hand here. People are stopping us wherever we go. I’m concerned about our safety."

"What do you want me to do?" The two women talked about their options. Maggie didn’t think Susan wanted round the clock guards outside her house. Sandy reminded her that, if there weren’t gates and security, guards couldn’t stop the determined. "The only way you can be safe is to put walls up or move into a gated community."

"I couldn’t build a fence around her house. First, there’s no room. Second, she wouldn’t let me. I’ve got to do something. It’s not safe."

"How about moving into the hotel?" Sandy thought about her boss’ girlfriend then answered her own question, "Never mind. She wouldn’t be comfortable in a hotel. The two continued talking until they finally came up with a plan. It might take time, but Maggie had the money to make it happen.

"I’ll be in L.A. in a couple of days. Get going. I’d like to have something in the works. You’re a jewel." Maggie said good-bye and made arrangements to fly to Los Angeles.

The morning she flew to California, Susan drove her to the airport. Again, they were followed. "Honey, I am so sorry."

"Mags, I understand. I don’t like it, but I beginning to understand. Maybe I’ll get some work done while you’re gone."

"Will you miss me?"

Susan reached for the dark-haired woman’s hand and smiled, "Every day. I won’t miss the people following us, but I will desperately miss you."

"I got you something." Reaching into her carry-on bag, Maggie pulled out a small box and put it on her lover’s lap.

"Mags, stop buying me things." Susan put the package on the dash, promising to open it at the airport. Pulling off the beeline she parked the car in short-term parking. Reaching for the package, she quickly unwrapped the box. Inside was a pair of earrings that had "FSU" engraved in gold. "Maggie, how thoughtful."

"It’s the right school, isn’t it?"

"Yes! Thank you." Susan leaned over to kiss her generous friend when she noticed a man with a camera walking up. "Shit." Putting the car into reverse, she backed out of her spot and drove out of the airport and then back into short-term parking. "I think I lost him."

"You can drop me off and I’ll run to the gate."

"No, I want to walk with you."

"Then let’s get a move on, girlfriend." The two grabbed the garment bag and suitcase and dashed into the terminal. Having checked the luggage, the two conspirators fled to the gate. First class passengers were being called for boarding by the time they arrived. "Make sure the kids are okay and safe. If Colleen gets to be too much, then arrange for her and the kids to go back to the hotel."

"Don’t worry. Everyone will be okay. I love you. Now, go!" The two hugged and Maggie boarded the plane before the local reporter arrived. Recognizing the familiar face, Susan headed back to the main terminal as quickly as she could.

A week later Maggie arrived back in Orlando on a chartered jet, avoiding the media at the airport. Susan was able to pick her up without the entertainer being recognized or either one being stopped. The next week passed quietly as Maggie tried to keep a low profile. On Thursday, the evening before Susan’s birthday, Maggie and her staff arrived with food and wine to begin the celebration.

"Happy birthday. Derek and Paul send best wishes and wanted me to give you these." Maggie handed packages to Susan. "And this one is from my kids. And this one is from me."

Susan opened Maggie’s package and found light bulbs. She burst out laughing. "So, is this to remind me that you are the light of my life."

The party ended around 9 so the Winter Park inhabitants could get to bed early. As she left, Sandy pulled both Maureen and her boss aside and informed them the plans for the next day were complete.

The next morning I am determined to get up and go to work. I leave Maggie sleeping, mom in the kitchen, and the kids asleep. Colleen is missing. As I pull out the drive the TV station truck is still parked on the street, but they aren't prepared for my leaving early. I get away before anyone can follow.

Numerous calls are coming into the office and both radio and television stations have sent people out to do interviews. Ed shines as he graciously handles the media, insuring the company name is mentioned every 15 seconds. The staff continues to treat me with awe, but keep unwanted visitors at the front of the office.

I dread going home and wonder what the staff is thinking. My personal life has been too boring to even comment on and now it is the topic of everyone's conversation. What little I overhear indicates the rumor mill has been busy and I’m not wild with its direction. Sandy calls at 4 p.m. and tells me she will meet me at the office. At 5:15, she walks in and asks for a ride. I don't understand but that is the way the day has been going. Ed trades vehicles with me, promising to get mine to my house. His son rents a car for me and brings it in. Sandy offers to drive me home in the rental car and to later return it. V. I. Warshawski may travel this way when tracking down suspects. Me, I just want to go quietly home.

Instead of heading towards Winter Park, Sandy heads north on I-4. She begins to talk about herself. I sit quietly and listen. Her family lives in Michigan and she majored in communications. She had several jobs before she went to work for Reckless. Her voice is relaxed and for the first time I really look at her. She has been Maggie's shadow, but now there is no one to hide behind. She has a great sense of humor. I like her.

Turning off the interstate, we drive west until Sandy turns into Groveland Estates. Once one of the largest groves in the area, it has been developed into a fenced, guarded, and exclusive neighborhood. Parcels are a minimum of 5 acres and houses must be at least 2500 square feet. In other words, expensive. The people who live here are as wealthy or wealthier than at Heathrow, another exclusive neighborhood in the area. The guard stops us, then motions us forward when he notices Sandy. I wonder if she has bought a house in the area. I guess you would call it a house. Or maybe estate is the correct term. She continues talking until we are in a curved driveway with gates that open automatically as Sandy points a remote. We drive up to a large, lighted building. It is too large for me to call it a home. I would definitely put it in the mansion class.

"Well," Sandy begins, "welcome."

"This is beautiful. I didn't know you had bought a place."

Sandy stumbles, but catches herself. "I didn't. This is yours."

At that moment the doors open and Maggie, my mom, three children, Maggie's nanny, and Ed walk out. I cannot move. I feel as if I am in a strange dream and only the faces are familiar.

Maggie comes out and grabs my arm. I go into slow motion. "Come on and see the house." My mom stands quietly aside. For the first time I see she is uncertain. My mom-unsure? What is going on? Maggie leads me in and the children chatter away. "We are all going to live here," Beth proclaims. "Even nanny."

I am numb. What happened to my house? my world? my life?

Maggie leads me through the two-story mansion, describing the amenities and electronic toys. The solarium has both a pool and hot tub. Swimming instructors have already been arranged. A large gym will allow us to work out whenever we want. In addition, there are rooms for a large office for me and a studio/office for Maggie. Mom has a large room, bath and sitting area, much larger than the cottage behind the house. There are rooms for servants, guests, staff. And it is all furnished. The dining room is huge. My entire family could sit around the table and not touch elbows. Not touch at all. There are fire places in the family room and several bedrooms. Televisions and stereos are everywhere. I do recognize the one in the family room. It is mine.

My first venture out of the slow-moving fog is awkward. "What the hell is going on? Where is my house? What have you done?" I barely notice the others leaving. I only see Maggie standing there grinning.

"I bought it for you. For us," she amends, her smile fading. "I thought you wanted us to live together. We can live safely and have both our families together. We can be a family. Make some kind of commitment. It took awhile, but I had realtors who saw big paychecks and they pushed paper. Amazing what you can do when you have the cash." Maggie grins as she looks around. "Now you won't have to worry about people outside your house or worry about Cady. And Colleen and your mom can have their own areas to rule." Pride shines on the singer’s face.

"What have you done with my house?" I demand.

"Nothing. It’s still there. I just moved clothes and a few items of furniture. Things your mom said were important to you. The rest I bought. I thought you'd be happy. I thought this was what you wanted."

"Maggie, buying a house isn't a commitment."

"Well, it is to me." The brunette is confused by my reaction. "I don't go out and buy fucking houses just for the hell of it." She's defensive and angry.

"You don't need to swear."

"Why the hell not? You did. Damn it, Susan, I did this for you, for us."

"But you didn't even ask me. I have lived in that house almost all my life. That is the only house Cady has ever known. I like my house."

"The roof needs to be replaced and the central heat doesn't work. None of us are safe from intruders. There is not enough room for all of us to live."

"It's still my house. What gave you the right to do this? Do you think you can just make decisions and we will willingly follow along? Maggie, I am so furious I can spit."

Susan's face turned red. Maggie didn't know what to say. It had taken her staff three weeks to arrange this surprise. Well, damn it, she had spent a fucking fortune to give Susan this house and to move everyone out of the hotel. What the hell more did her lover want? "You know, I really thought I was doing what you wanted. Surely you realized we couldn't live in your other house and have any privacy. Or safety for the kids. I would worry day and night about someone trying to get into the house and take one of the kids. I can't live like that, and won't. I want to be safe and I want my family safe. I want you, Maureen, and Cady safe."

"And I don't want to live like this. I want my life back... the way it used to be. My house, my life, my family."

"What about me, Susan? When I was 12, I learned you can never go back. We can't turn back the clock anymore than we can turn purple. Things happen and people change. The only way to go back is to not have me in your life. Is that what you want? Is it, Susan?" Confused, Susan didn't answer.

"I'm going for a walk. I'll talk to you later after you've calmed down." Maggie slammed the door on the way out.

Susan stood in the upstairs hall wondering where everyone was and how to find them. Having watched Maggie's exit, she knew where the front door was. She sat on the top step and decided to wait. Sooner or later, someone else would walk by. Hopefully, sooner, she thought.

The dark-haired woman tried hard not to cry, but it was a losing effort. I don't understand, she kept repeating to herself. All my life people have wanted something from me. Whatever they got they were grateful for. Finally, I find someone I think loves me for me, and she is the most ungrateful.

The singer walked around the driveway continuing the conversation. She let her guard down, trusted and got shot down. Well, she wouldn't do it again, she decided. A tear found its way to Maggie's eye and rolled freely down her cheek. As if a signal had been given, more joined and soon Maggie lay crumbled on the drive, sobbing. She cried for her mother who died. For the sister and brother she didn't know. For the childhood without laughter. For the father she hated. But mostly she cried because she was scared and alone.

Silence reigning, Sandy walked out of the kitchen towards the front door and noticed Susan. Chagrined, she went up and sat beside her. Tears fell easily from those golden eyes. Sandy realized she was attracted to her boss' girlfriend. Not a good thing, she told herself, but sooner or later Maggie would screw up. She knew her boss well. She just needed to be patient.

"Look, Susan, I'm sorry. I thought this was something the two of you had talked about. M. J. was like a kid trying to get everything taken care of before you got home. I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault. I'm angry at Maggie. And, I guess my mom. I also don't handle change very well. Mom once redecorated the living room. When I came home from junior high, I had the same reaction. Dad said that every now and then mom needed to see something differently. That helps her to feel free. I didn't understand then. I don't understand now. Sandy, how could she just do this?"

"Susan, Maggie has never done this before. I'm as surprised as you are. She tries to keep her, uh, romantic involvements separate from her professional and personal lives. She has not even dated anyone in more than four years." Sandy looked at the attractive woman sitting next to her and spoke softly, "Maggie must really be in love with you."

Susan put her head on her knees and cried. Sandy barely understood what the blonde was saying, but she heard enough to know that Susan still loved Maggie. Sandy wished someone felt that way about her. She hugged Susan and left. As she walked to the car, she found Maggie sitting against a tree. Hesitating and unsure what to say, she sat down next to her boss. "I generally stay out of your private affairs, but there is a damn good woman sitting on the stairs who is madly in love with you. You'd be fool to lose her."

"Who the hell asked you?" Maggie retorted.

"No one. But I don't think you're stupid." With that Sandy left. She needed a drink and was headed for the woman's bar downtown.

Maggie remembered she was going on tour soon and needed to stay in the Orlando area until the tour left. If Susan wanted to sell the house then, let her. She didn't give a damn. Until then, she liked the house and would stay. Maggie walked back into the house to claim her territory.

Her shoulders back and an air of defiance about her, Maggie announced, "I’m going to bed." As she reached Susan at the top of the stairs, she continued, "You are welcome to join me or take any of the rooms adjacent. They are empty. The children are in the east wing with the Nanny. Your mother is in the middle." Feeling vulnerable, she added, "I am not going to beg." She couldn't remember ever hurting as much as she did now. Why had she let this woman into her life?

The door opened and Susan came in. "Maggie, I’m sorry I came unglued. I know your...."

"Forget it. What do you know about anything anyway?"

"Please, Mags. I don't want us to be angry at each other."

"What do you want, Susan? No matter what I give it doesn't seem enough. I've told you I don't believe in forever and saying 'I love you' is cheap. People say it all the time."

Her voice began to rise. "I've tried to tell you how special and important you are. I've tried to show you how I feel, but that's not enough. You want everything in black and white. Well, life isn't that way. There are more shades of gray and more ways of loving. I don't want to hurt you and I don't want to be hurt. I'm sorry I'm not good enough."

Pausing to calm her own fears, she continued, "I also have a life, Susan. Maybe my job isn't nine to five, but that doesn't make it less important. I'm willing to bet I have worked a lot harder at being successful than you have. I've been playing clubs since I was sixteen and had several other jobs at one time to support that one." Maggie began pacing, her agitation evident. "I've been trying to make changes in my life. The first time in a long time I find someone I really care about and.... And nothing I say or do is good enough. It's your way or no way."

"Oh, Mags, that's not true." Susan tried to put her arms around her friend, but was turned away. "Maggie, I’m trying to apologize. I love you. Please."

Maggie was not ready to let go of her anger. Loving and rejection were so closely tied in her life, she couldn't think of one without the other. "See, you are proving my point. How easy it is to say you love me. Yet, you can turn around and attack me. That's love? Keep it."

"You’re right. I’m sorry. I apologize. This house....I guess, I'm not ready for some changes. But I do love you."

Maggie stared at Susan for a long time. It took all her determination to not run into that beautiful woman's arms. Her emotions in chaos, she decided not to fight any more.

"I don't want to argue either. Let's just go to bed." Maggie turned and changed into sleepwear. Susan wasn't aware Maggie owned any pajamas. Quietly, she changed and climbed into bed. The two barely touched the entire night.

The awkward truce continued. Any efforts Susan made were met with cool detachment. She wasn't sure how much longer she could continue.

Maggie, hurt and confused, found any attempted conversations draining. A week later, Maggie announced she and the kids were leaving. Some problems with the tour had come up and she needed to be in California until the tour started.

"Susan, you are still welcome to join me on the tour, if you want. If not, I understand."

"Mags, I can't. Cady needs...."

"Don't explain. No excuses."

When the limousines pulled into the driveway, a sad group gathered to say good-bye. Maureen stood and watched as her daughter and her friend stiffly hugged. She wanted to shake them both. How two people who loved each other could be such idiots was beyond her. Then she remembered her own past. But nowadays, people did things differently. Cady held her hand and cried. She could see the tears rolling down Susan's face. The cars filled and Maggie, her children, and staff were gone. The yard was quiet.

No one spoke on the trip to California. They were well aware of Maggie's moods and wanted to avoid any potential conflict.

From the plane, Sandy called Susan to see how she was doing.

"Thanks for calling. I'm fine."

"I'm sorry about what happened. Maggie is an idiot. She doesn't know what she is losing."

"Thanks, Sandy. You are a dear."

Sandy tried to remain calm. If only Susan could feel that way about her. "If it's okay, I'd like to stay in touch. You know, maybe get together for lunch."

"Sure, that’ll be fine." Susan controlled a sob and hung up.

Sandy sat quietly and stared at M. J. pacing up and down the chartered plane, complaining about the tour schedule. She knew Maggie would have her working overtime the next few weeks. Whenever Maggie had a bad day, others were at fault. Sandy sighed and seriously thought about going back to school. Maybe at the University of Central Florida. It’s only a matter of time, she reminded herself and then smiled as thoughts of Susan danced about her gray matter.

part 7

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