The Magic of the Heart

Chapter 16

A numbness has set in. It is easier this way. If I can postpone the pain, I can still function. Work, including hers, requires a level of concentration that eludes me. Each moment seems like an eternity. I struggle with each task, trying to focus. It is futile. I wanted order and peace. I have it, but Maggie is gone. That part of my life I have so carefully ignored, so diligently protected, is in shreds and incapable of repair. It is the daily banality that gives meaning. And that hurts.

We have stayed in the new house, more from lack of impetus to do anything else. In the process of moving us, Maggie had also arranged for the roof and the central heat to be repaired in the Winter Park house, plus some changes Mom apparently wanted done. It is under major reconstruction, so we couldn't move even if we wanted to. Cady misses Beth and D.J. and wants to visit their house. Every day she asks when we will get to see them. I have no answer. Mom, surprisingly, loves the new house. She has slept in a different room each night. When I question her, she simply replies, "Enjoy change. It keeps boredom away."

This Saturday we drive over to see the reconstruction progress. It will be at least two months before they are done. Cady runs and watches the people climbing on the roof. She likes her new home better, she tells me. Am I the only one holding on to my childhood memories?

If the weekend is hard, I fear Monday. Sandy will be in town reviewing contracts and meeting with some of the backers for Maggie's production company. The pieces are rapidly falling into place and Ed should have the deal closed by March 1st. I am really ambivalent about seeing Sandy and dreading discussions about Maggie. Where is my simple life?

Paul shook his head and left the room. He and Derek had the same conversation so many times since Maggie returned he just didn't want to talk about it any more. She constantly picked fights. She flew into a rage at the slightest provocation and then demanded immediate apologies. If something didn't change, he was moving back to his townhouse.

"Where the hell does Paul think he’s going?" Maggie shouted. "I still have business I need to go over. Fuck him. He can be replaced." Maggie stood up and strode around the office, "Why the hell do I put up with his shit? I can get another lawyer. I have a tour starting soon. The studios want me to do more talk shows..."

Derek controlled his anger as he interrupted, "Maggie, Paul can be replaced as your lawyer but he will not be replaced in this house. Or in my life!" He paused, lowering his voice before continuing, "I don't know what your problem is. You have nagged me about all kinds of petty crap. Paul hasn't been able to do anything right. The way you have treated your staff lately, especially Sandy, I am surprised they still work for you. And, Mags, the kids are afraid of you and your continuous tirades." His best friend glared at him but remained silent. "Okay. You won't talk about what is going on and you won't listen. Something has to change. And, now." He stood up and started out of the room.

"Derek, wait." Maggie pleaded. "I can't believe you are taking sides. Not you."

"Mags, I am not taking sides. I can't. I don't even know enough about what's going on to take sides. I've tried to be understanding, but you aren't talking. I won't let you tear this family apart. I love you and I love Paul. Talk to me, damn it."

The troubled woman sat and stared at her hands. Finally, she spoke, "I'm sorry. It's not about you, or Paul, or the kids." Feeling the anger again, she continued, "Derek, I should never have gotten involved with her." Derek walked over and sat near his oldest friend, quietly waiting. "She's such an ungrateful b...." She couldn't finish her statement. She knew that wasn't true. "Shit, why couldn't she just leave things the way they were?"

"How were they?"

"You know, things were easy between us. We enjoyed being with each other. We went places together." Her voice softened as she stared off into the distance, "I loved the time we spent together. She’s warm, funny." Derek noticed the verb tense change. "She has this dimple in her chin that looks so damn cute when she smiles. She’s intelligent and…," the singer paused and then smiled at her best friend, "she is one hell of a business person. You should have seen her with Karl." Silence filled the room as Maggie reminisced. "God, she’s wonderful."

"How did they change?" His wife’s demeanor changed drastically. Derek was sorry he asked.

"Things got really out of control. She didn't want to go places with me or be with me. I guess I wasn't good enough. She kept wanting to put labels on everything. If things weren't going the way she wanted, something was wrong. I told her I was giving all I could. She kept wanting more. She was never happy with me or what I did?"

"Well, that was general enough." Maggie glared at Derek. "Come on, Mags, you need to tell me more. What was she trying to label? Where did she refuse to go? What did she say?"

"She said she wanted to spend time with her family. She said she was tired of her life being out of control. She yelled at me because I bought the damn house to keep her safe and away from nosy people." Maggie’s voice became angry, "And she yelled at me because there were too many fucking nosy people around her old house. Fuck, what was I supposed to do?"

"Mags, do you love her?"

A dark head snapped up, "Christ, now you sound like Susan?" The startled man looked surprised. "She thinks that all it takes is to say some magic words and everything is okay. Well, I’m hear to tell you it doesn’t work that way. I could go out and buy half a dozen people that would swear they were madly in love with me."

"Do you love her?" Not hearing an answer, Derek continued, "If you don’t love her, you ought to move on. Let her go."

A cold emptiness invaded Margaret Carson-Baxter. It threatened to overwhelm her, to eat her alive. Her hands shook and soon her whole body trembled. A choked answer came out, "I can’t. I’m not sure I can survive without her." Tears raced down her face. The bleak future without the golden haired woman was not what Maggie wanted to face. "What am I gonna do?"

"What do you want to do? Maggie, I haven’t seen you happier than when you are around Susan. And she adores you. You need to talk with her, work something out. Try not to tell her what you are going to do. How about asking? How about compromise? There’s nothing wrong with telling her you love her. You tell me and the kids."

"This is different."

The football player laughed, "I hope so. We’ve been friends for a long time. Maybe I’m safe because we’re just friends. Not lovers."

"Ugh. Yuck!" Maggie laughed remembering the early years of their friendship when their classmates considered them an odd couple, but still a couple. Every time one of them shared the latest story about someone asking when they were going to get married, the other would say, "Yuck." The two friends laughed and it became their code to describe their relationship.

"Maggie, when two people get involved, they quite often talk about the future. Paul and I do often. She's not a groupie. I reminded you she’s traditional. She’s more like Paula."

Rattled, the singer asked, "What is this? Is everyone turning against me?"

"No. You have taken your anger out on all of us. What are you afraid of? That you might love Susan?"

"Derek, I am trying." A tear escaped. Maggie continued, "I do really care about her. I don’t know what to do." The troubled star struggled to gain control. "What do you think happened to Paula?"

Derek stood up to leave, but turned back to Maggie and continued, "She’s in New York and has been living with the same woman for fourteen years." His answer stunned her. Seeing the surprise on her face, he continued, "Back when you were involved in that palimony suit, we were playing in New York. She contacted our hotel and left a message. We met for breakfast. I never said anything because I didn’t think you cared. Paula was once our friend."

"How is she? What is she doing? Does she hate me?"

"No, Mags. She cares about you and is proud of your success. But she also realizes the two of you went in very different directions. I have her number if you ever want to call her."

"Derek, I don’t know what to do. I do love Susan."

"Then tell her and give the rest of some peace and quiet."

"How? She doesn’t even want to talk to me."

Derek found his address book and wrote Paula’s address and phone number on a piece of paper, then handed it to his friend. "Maggie, you have been my best friend for so long I can't imagine a time in my life when you weren't there. You have saved my life, you brought Paul into my life and we have two wonderful children. You are still my friend and I love you dearly. I’m sure Paula would love to talk to you, but she may have a different view of the end of your relationship." He lifted her up out of the chair and put his arms around her. "Maybe things are a little rough right now. People like Susan are not throwaways." Derek paused and looked directly at his friend. "Is Susan just about sex?" Maggie didn't answer. It was the same question Susan had asked.

Maggie fought the tears. Derek left his best friend to answer her own questions. She desperately missed Susan. It wasn't about sex. She missed her calm, soothing voice, the easy friendship, the unaware beauty, the intelligent conversation, the passion. Maggie could almost smell Susan's perfume. If she closed her eyes, she could sense Susan's presence, actually hear her moving in the room. When she opened them, an emptiness as large and as real as anything she had ever known surrounded her. Yet, she was afraid to question her decision. She never looked back. That was the way she lived her life and she didn't want to change now. Keep it light. Never look back.

Maggie got up and went to see her kids. She needed to make things better. She didn’t want to be like her father and terrorize her children.

Dinner was more relaxed. Maggie's apology had eased the resentment. Maggie played with the kids while Paul and Derek grilled burgers. Laughter again returned to the Carson-Baxter household.

"Maggie seems more relaxed," Paul whispered as he turned a steak on the grill. "How is she?"

"Her temper is under control but she is a storm waiting for the right conditions to release her torrent. I’m worried. She’s afraid and when she is, she tends to over-react. I haven’t seen her this upset in a long time. It usually leads to pretty self-destructive behavior. Look at her." The two friends watch Maggie as she played with her kids. "She’s not sleeping. She’s not eating. She’s going to crash."

"Did she explain what happened?"

"Not really. But from what she did say, I figure she was doing her usual. Taking control and making decisions for everyone else then worrying about the consequences later. Apparently, Susan didn’t handle that very well."

"Why doesn’t she just call her?"

"Because she’s afraid that Susan will either refuse the call or tell her to go away. It’s easier for Mags to push her away then deal with possible rejection. And to be honest, I am not sure Maggie could survive that."

"Susan loves her!"

"I know it. You know it. And some part of her knows it. She just doesn't believe it." Looking down at the grill, Derek asked, "Come on. Isn’t that done yet?"

Paul smiled and suggested they get the plates ready. The picnic was moved into the patio area where conversation centered on the children’s day.

Later Maggie talked business with Sandy who had already left for Florida. She even helped with dinner. The cook was not sure what to do with the sudden change in routine.

Sandy arrived in Orlando at 7:30 p.m. and was met by Susan. She tried to contain her joy at seeing her boss's girlfriend, but it was futile. The hug with which she was greeted was genuine.

"Welcome back to Orlando. I hope your trip went well." Susan walked back through the terminal with Sandy. "Do you have any luggage to pick up?"

Holding up her carry on, Sandy smiled and said, "Nope. Traveling light. I will only be here for two days. But, after that warm greeting, I might be back more often." Sandy was determined to charm the attractive woman next to her.

Susan blushed and changed the subject to safer topics, "Ed will meet us for breakfast at the house and we will review the contracts. At 11:00 a.m., we will leave for lunch and you will meet with two of the major players in this venture. There will be...."

"Hold on. Can I wait until we sit down and I can write this down? I'm still trying to adjust to East Coast time."

The two women laughed and agreed to hold business talk until they got to Susan's house. Conversation turned to safe topics. Sandy had applied to graduate school at Rollins, Univeristy of Central Florida, and the University of Florida. She wanted to teach at the junior college or university level. Discussion proceeded about the merits of the various graduate programs. As they were pulling into the drive, Susan realized Maggie hadn't been mentioned once.

It was Cady who broke the truce. "Is Beth and D.J. with you?"

"Hey, little britches." Sandy picked up the lively youngster and hugged her. "Sorry, not this trip. But they did send you something and want you to visit soon." Pulling out a videotape and a children's game, she handed them to Cady. "Beth and D.J. are on this tape. They want to say hi. This game is for you and your mama and grandmama."

"Sandy, you are so thoughtful. Thank you."

"The kids were excited I was coming here, so we decided to record them talking to Cady. I happened to bring my camera so we can send a message back." The assistant paused before reluctantly continuing, "Actually, it was Maggie’s idea." Susan felt a tug at her heart.

"Now that is a woman who plans," Maureen chimed in. "Come on. I have dinner ready. How are things going?"

"Hectic. Maggie says hello and she hopes to be here for at least a week the end of February. Then we head on the road March 10th. First stop is Boston. We will be on tour for seven months. Normally we are on the road longer. But, Maggie has a picture deal beginning the end of November. We’ll be doing location around the Keys and some shooting in Orlando. If we close on this deal we will be recording our project here, too. So, yeah, it’s hectic."

Cady went to bed and the three women talked for two hours. Finally, Susan and Maureen excused themselves and headed for bed on Eastern Time. Sandy, still on Pacific Time, stayed up a while longer and wondered how Maggie would react to knowing she was staying at Susan's house. She realized she didn't really care. For once, Sandy was doing something for herself. Her boss was a fool to let Susan go.

The day went smoothly and at 4 p.m. Ed placed a conference call to Maggie and Paul to discuss the results of the day's work. The singer's voice floated over the speaker and Susan could feel every syllable resonate through her body. Breathing was difficult as she struggled to remain focused. Most of the conversation involved Sandy and Ed. At the end of the conversation, the financial officer had to provide some details and did so in as impersonal manner as possible. Paul responded favorably to the information and asked to talk with Sandy. Susan and Ed excused themselves while the three talked.

Ed was elated with the call and the progress they had made. He fully expected formal signing shortly. Susan went to her office and participated limitedly in the conversation with her boss.

In Ed's office, final plans were completed. Paul concluded, "Okay, let's get the folks back and set a time for making the necessary changes and getting things signed. Should we do this by fax or in person? I can arrange to be there or we can meet here?"

"I don't think it matters to Ed or Susan, but I think it might be better if we met here with the backers."

"Good idea, Sandy. Think we can set a date today?"

"We need to do it before March 1st so we can focus on the tour," Maggie added.

"Okay, with me. You and Sandy work it out and let me know. I've got some appointments this afternoon. Talk to you later, Sandy. Bye, Mags."

"I'll go get Ed and Susan."

"Wait," the entertainer said. "How's Susan? Has she asked about me or said anything?"

Feeling guilty, Sandy struggled for an appropriate response, "We haven't talked much about you, but, in case you’re asking, yeah, I think she's still in love with you." Sandy didn't like what she said, but it was the truth. Wanting to know Maggie's feelings, she asked, "Are you asking?"

Unsure what to say she replied, "I was just asking how she and her family are doing. Why don't I give you a call tonight? Where are you staying? I can't find your hotel reservations."

Nonchalantly, Sandy replied, "I didn't make any. I'm not staying at a hotel. After I talked to you, I called Susan to confirm our meeting time and she invited me to stay out at the Groveland place."

A tense silence followed. Finally, Maggie spoke, "Why didn't you tell me before you left?"

"I told you. I didn't know until Susan asked. Is there a problem? I thought we could use the house anytime we were in the area." Sandy knew she was baiting her boss.

Maggie snapped, "No problem, just get Ed and Susan in and let's set a date to meet." The quiet while she waited was devastating. The silence only gave her time to think of reasons why she resented her assistant being in the same house with her lover. Sandy had worked for her for ten years and had always been loyal. What difference should it make what Susan did? Maggie knew the answer.

Ed's cheerful voice interrupted the morose thoughts. "Sandy says you want to set a date to close the deal in Orlando. How about the 26th or 27th? You could be out of here before the first."

"Fine," Maggie’s voice was flat. "As soon as Sandy gets back and you fax the changes, we will confirm the date." Trying to be more agreeable, she continued, "Ed, thanks for all the help. I have never seen anything put together this quickly."

"I think we had the right project with the right people at the right time. Your name and ours were the combination they wanted. Call if there are any questions. Otherwise we will see you in three weeks."

Everyone said good-bye. Ed, Sandy, and Susan went out to celebrate. Choosing a restaurant near work, they were joined by Ed's wife. Sandy picked up the tab, then drove back with Susan.

"It was kind of strange tonight. Being out to eat and not having people interrupting."

"It's not easy," Sandy agreed, "being part of an entourage. You will be surprised at the offers I get if I can provide access to Maggie." Sandy's laugh was a bitter one as she reminisced. "I have had men and women offer money, drugs, Lakers' tickets, even their bodies, for a chance to be part of M.J.'s crowd. It can be really tough on the ego to realize you are being offered all this, not for who you are or what you look like, but who you know."

"Sandy, I'm sorry. I didn't realize."

"At first, it was just hard work. As the band's popularity grew, so did the number of offers. We used to laugh about them at first. But then...," Sandy stopped realizing she was about to talk about the many other girlfriends. That was not permitted. M.J.'s rule #1. And even if that wasn’t M.J.’s rule, she remained silent because she might be asked about the offers she eagerly accepted.

"But then, what?"

"Nothing."

Susan sensed disturbing information was being withheld. She took a careful step, "But then Maggie began to take up the offers?"

She was at war. Loyalty to Maggie and genuine caring for Susan. The golden eyes won. "Susan, that was a long time ago. Long before you. Somehow, you are different. Trust me. I’ve never seen Maggie like this." But I am much better for you, she thought.

"Tell me...about the others," Susan's soft, anguished voice was insistent.

"Maggie was drinking, doing drugs. I guess she got caught up in her own success. When people are throwing themselves at you, you begin to believe the things they tell you." Sandy stopped. Seeing the look on Susan's face, she wondered if she had said too much. She tried to take a different tack, "Maggie wasn't always like this. I understand she once had a girlfriend-a long time ago. Maggie came back from a gig at another campus only to find she had been left. The girlfriend didn't like the traveling and bars and Maggie putting her career first." Susan was listening carefully. Sandy continued, "Maggie has been different the last few years. I have never seen Maggie attracted to anyone or care for anyone the way she does you." But I am better for you.

"Sandy, I don't understand. What did I do wrong? What's going on with Maggie?"

Looking at her boss’ lover, she answered, "I don't know either, but I think she's a fool." Sandy struggled to not kiss Susan.

Chapter 17

The Pro-Bowl over, Derek announced his retirement from professional football. Maggie, half listening, thumbed through a trade magazine, as he talked about his choices. Her own life no longer seemed safe, or secure. "Maggie," he continued, "Paul and I are thinking of taking some time off with the kids and going on a cruise for a few days. After we get back, I’m going to San Diego to talk to my parents."

Derek's parents made an annual trip to the Los Angeles area to see their grandchildren. During the week-long visit they stayed in a hotel, had dinners with the family in restaurants and then were gone. When Beth was born, they had insisted the parents stay at the house. In spite of the size of the house, Derek's parents never seemed at ease. The following year the elder Baxters stayed at a nearby hotel and the routine of the visit was set. The kids, always behaved and polite, didn't feel close to these guarded strangers.

"What's up? Why are you going down to visit them?"

"I don't want them to be surprised or have to react in case they have to deal publicly with my being gay. Now that the NFL is over, I don't have to lie anymore."

Panic flooded Maggie's every nerve fiber until she was drowning in fear. "Why now? What difference does it make? They didn't accept it when you tried to tell them in college? Why should they accept that now?"

Carefully, Derek tried to answer, "You know as well as I do. This lying and side-stepping rumors has put a lot of stress on my relationship with Paul, with you, and even on your relationship with Susan. Paul has been patient. But I'm not taking any chances. I love him, Susan, and I don't want to lose him.

A feeling of loneliness enveloped her. Putting down the magazine she was reading, Maggie stared, speechless. She missed Susan but didn't know how to reach across the chasm between them. "I guess it's fine," she mumbled. "I didn't know you were going.... I kind of thought...." She let the thought trail off, not sure what to say. She was being selfish. All her relationships were changing. Life was becoming unpredictable.

"Thought what?"

"Nothing." Avoiding her feelings, she quickly changed the subject. "Hey, maybe we can all fly down to Florida together and spend a couple of days playing before I start my tour."

"How is the tour going? You haven't talked much about it. I'm surprised. First tour in six years. First long tour in nearly eight. What, no anticipation?"

She hesitated. "I'm scared," she replied. The words flew out before she could edit them. Derek's surprise was evident. She continued, "The concerts I've done are short. Like the AIDS' benefits. I don't know if I can do it day after day. Suppose I can't keep up the pace. Suppose I'm not that good anymore. Suppose I..."

Derek stared, amazed the woman who never accepted "no" or "can't" from anyone. So different from him. He had admired her toughness, her willingness to proceed at any costs. She had been his inspiration to work harder at football. Everything had come easy to him. Maggie, determined to live everyday, had given him the courage to be the success he was. Maggie didn't know the word fear. Except when it came to being loved.

"Maggie, do you want to do this tour? We have enough money, neither one of us ever has to work again."

"I can't quit now. We've got too many dates booked. Before, it was easy to get high and go on stage. I'm just scared. What happens if I screw up?"

"The audience won’t care. They’ll still love you. But if this is really bothering you, why don't you call your agent and have him not book anymore dates? He could probably rearrange a few and you could cut at least a month off. We can have October and November to relax together. You know-like a family."

Maggie laughed and continued, "So traditional. That's one of the things I love about you. You still haven't answered my question about us doing something before I leave on tour."

The enjoyment of planning a family outing was cut short when Derek mentioned Susan joining them.

"Why?" Maggie demanded. "Can't we just make it our family?"

"Maggie, I thought you would want to see her. Besides, whether you like it or not, Susan is part of our family. If we go back to Florida, the kids will want to see Susan and Cady. They have been asking all week when Cady is coming to visit."

"Forget it. It's a stupid idea." Maggie turned and began to climb the stairs to her room.

"Why can't Susan join us, if she wants to?"

Maggie was silent. The possibility that Susan may not want to see her had been avoided. The hole inside seemed huge. An old voice reminded Maggie that no one really loved her. Maggie's knees gave way as she sat on the steps, holding tightly to the rail. Leaning her head against the cool wood, she softly asked, "Do you think Susan loves me?"

Walking up the steps, he was reminded of a younger Maggie, and the many times she thought she had to buy love. Derek despised Maggie's father and was often grateful he never met him.

"Mags, are you okay?"

"I...," she didn't know where to begin.

"Susan loves you. You, however, tend to be a steamroller. You are accustomed to doing things your way and you don’t always check with other people. Susan may be feeling hurt."

"Hurt? What about me? I was only trying to give her what she wanted. It was a safe place to live."

"Maybe, she had a different idea about living together and commitment? Maybe she has a different feeling about gratitude."

"I don’t want her damn gratitude." She wants to vent her anger but unsure of how or with whom. She wants a drink. Sighing, she asks, "Do you really think she still cares?"

"You need to ask her, not me. Whatever you two decide, it is unfair to the kids for them not to spend time together. What I know about Susan, I don't think she turns her feelings off that easily. Why don't we call and make plans?"

I don't know why I allowed myself to be talked into this. Meeting Derek and Paul and Maggie somewhere other than the airport would have been a lot safer. Like where, Ms Know-it-all. How about the zoo? That would be a good place. We could be the exhibit.

One of the staff at the Executive Airport interrupts to let me know they will be on the ground and taxiing in ten minutes. If I leave now, I will not even see the plane. My feet are not moving. Only my stomach moves-up and down, up and down.

A sleek, small twin-engine Learjet pulls gracefully up to the terminal. In the last 20 years, the airport traffic has grown as more and more people arrive in Central Florida in private planes. This one is not much different from any of the others. Except Maggie is on board. Cady is tugging on me and asking questions. Desperately I try to sort through her mutterings. Instead, confusion reigns. I don't understand my relationship with Maggie. One part of me is madly in love with this outrageous, gentle, kind, warm woman. Another part thinks she is a self-centered, overbearing ego and should be avoided at all costs. Lately, I've begun to hear voices. That doesn't scare as me as much as the fact that I talk back to them. I am strong. I won't let anything or anyone chase me away. I am woman-hear me roar. Right! As if I could move anyhow.

The plane taxis to our entrance. Derek steps out of the open door and two energetic children are pulling on his hands. I see her. Even at this distance, she has an incredible hold on my heart, and my body. This can't be normal. Cady reminds me I am squeezing her hand too tight. There is a large group entering the small terminal but all I can see is Maggie. She’s gorgeous. She’s thinner and looks tired, but she is still gorgeous. A heat begins in the center of my body and threatens to take control. I want her more than I have wanted just about anything in my life. Why can't I want a puppy or kitten instead? Less stress.

Derek, Paul, and the kids run up and we are engulfed in hugs. If only Maggie would hug me, I might be able to get my feet to move.

"Thank you for meeting us," Paul is saying, his voice warm and welcoming. Maggie is standing behind him, not moving or speaking. She must still be angry at me. If someone doesn't give me a push, I will melt down.

"Come on, let's get going before anyone discovers we are here." A smiling Derek grabs Maggie's arm and mine and pushes us towards my car. "Why don't you and Maggie and the kids head out to the house and we will get the rental car and be right behind."

Automatic pilot kicks in. This is a familiar scene, packing Maggie, her children and their luggage into my minivan. Was it only four months ago when we first met? It feels like years. We are headed for Seminole County. In spite of car seats and seat belts, they are screaming and shouting and laughing. Their joyous noise is so remarkable only in contrast to the quiet from the adults. Maggie has hardly spoken. The postponed pain is demanding attention. Tears hover waiting for the first word or syllable and once they take control, only babble will come out. This was definitely a mistake.

Maggie stared out the window regretting the trip. From the moment she saw Susan in the terminal, she knew she had made a mistake. The look on her face was all she needed to know that Susan didn't care. It is only three days, she reminded herself, and then I'll be on tour. Hurt and rejection dropped in her lap. These were familiar enemies. She had never forgiven her mother, sister or brother for abandoning her. Now Susan was rejecting her, too. She fought hard for some semblance of control.

"How's your mom?" Maggie asked.

"Fine. She's anxious to see you."

Remembering her adventures with Maureen, Maggie smiled. "I've missed her."

"She's missed you. We...we all have."

Stunned, Maggie turned and looked to see if Susan was including herself in the "we." Another mile went by before she responded. "I...I've missed you, too. So have the kids," she hastily added. Both defenses were still intact, but a crack was found. By the time they arrived home, an uneasy truce was in force.

Maureen warmly greeted Maggie and the children and directed them into the house, ordering them to leave the luggage until later. She would get the "boys" to bring them in. She took them to the kitchen where lunch was in process. Fifteen minutes later, Derek and Paul, the boys, arrived. Sounding like a general organizing her troops and their movements, she gave orders and directions, telling them to hurry or they would miss lunch.

As soon as he was sure she couldn't hear, Paul stated, "Anyone who thinks women in the military is a mistake hasn't met Maureen. She would probably keep Douglas MacArthur in line."

"I agree, but I love her. I hope my mom can be as accepting one day."

"If she isn't, we will give Maureen her phone number."

The day passed quickly with much chattering and laughter. Even Susan and Maggie got into a playful spirit. It wasn't until bedtime that everyone realized General Maureen had also carefully orchestrated sleeping arrangements. When questioned by Maggie for the location of her luggage, Maureen replied, "Why I put it up in your and Susan's room. You two run up and get to bed. We have a long day tomorrow. You both have work in the morning and then we have plans for the rest of the day."

Paul and Derek quickly exited, not wanting to be present for any further discussion. Maureen also left before either woman could respond. That left only Maggie and Susan standing at the bottom of the stairs.

An unusual awkwardness descended on the two women. Susan spoke first, "I didn't, I mean, I can sleep downstairs."

Not sure how to handle the situation, Maggie fumbled for a reply. For the last three hours, she had thought of Susan and what it would be like to hold her. To really hold her. This was not a step in that direction. "No, that's not fair. This is your house. I'll sleep down here." Maggie, however, did not move up the stairs or away from Susan.

"No, this is your house, too. Actually, it is more yours than mine. It was your money that bought it."

Resisting anger, she answered, "This is your house! I wanted someplace we could both live safely and free from intrusion."

A brief silence ensued. Suddenly both women tried to talk at the same time. Laughing, Susan said, "I'm sorry. I know you were trying to be helpful. I overreacted. I don't deal well with change. I’m getting used to it."

"I owe you an apology, too. There was no reason for me being such an asshole. I wouldn't even listen to you. I felt rejected."

"Rejected. No, Maggie, I didn't turn you down. I just felt overwhelmed and out of control. I guess I also felt unimportant. I..."

Maggie stopped her and took the golden-haired woman’s hand. "Unimportant? No, Susan." The singer paused, realizing they were still at the bottom of the stairs, "Can we go upstairs and talk? I would really prefer sitting down. I am tired."

Feeling the shock of her lover's touch, Susan just nodded and walked quietly up the stairs, holding tightly to Maggie's hand. Letting time, and sharing, heal some of the distance, the two women talked and held hands. Fatigue captured them in its embrace and they fell asleep holding each other.

Early the next morning, Maggie awoke feeling chilled. Pulling the covers over her she realized she was on top of the blanket and, lying next to her, was Susan. In a brief moment of vulnerability she was aware of the depth of her feeling for this wonderful woman, but unsure what to do. Fearing further rejection, she stared, admiring the golden lashes fluttering in dream sleep. She leaned forward and gently kissed those flickering lids. As she did, Susan, more asleep than awake stirred and put her arms around her friend and pulled her close. Susan's lips reached for Maggie and they were quickly drowning in each other. Susan wanted her and Maggie could feel it. Confused by the intensity of her feelings, the entertainer tried to ignore that knowledge, losing herself instead in the experience of the passion. They knew each other so well, drawing on that familiarity to each lead and each follow. Few words passed. Only sounds of encouragement and completion. At six a.m., they fell back into a sound sleep. At seven-thirty, the general arrived at the door and announced breakfast.

"Mmmmm. I don't think I can move," Maggie whispered, pulling the murmuring woman closer.

"I know I don't want to. What time is it anyway?"

"Seven thirty-five. Eastern Time!"

Jumping up, the businesswoman glared at the clock. "Why did I tell Ed we would meet him at ten?" Falling back on the bed, she listened for the returning warning steps of her mother. A knock on the door assured her she would not be going back to sleep this morning.

"We are awake!"

"Just checking. Better hurry if you are going to eat before you leave for work."

She pulled Maggie back down on the bed. "Let's dine in bed. We can have the contracts brought here and we will sign them in bed. And then we can have lunch in bed. You are on my menu!"

Surprised by her reserved lover, Maggie stuttered, "We...We...I mean, you want Ed, Paul and Sandy here?"

"I can't have Ed, Paul, and Sandy in here. But I do want you."

A lascivious grin spread across Maggie's face. Touching Susan and kissing her bare shoulder, she was becoming aroused. "No one will come in until we are ready to come out." She tried to work down to a waiting breast only to find it slide away from her as Susan slid out of bed.

"Come on, let's take a shower," she said, "and cool you off."

My toes are tingling. I am still in awe at this woman and the way she makes me feel. I don't know how we will make this work out, but I don't want to lose her. I feel so alive around her. Sometimes, I don't even recognize me.

We play in the shower and are greeted with rumbling and teasing when we finally get to breakfast. The children are finished and playing some game in the middle of the kitchen floor. Paul and Derek, finishing their coffee, are deep in conversation with Mom. I'm not sure I want to know what that grin is about. By nine, Paul, Maggie, and I head into Orlando.

Maggie again is the star as she enters the office and greets the staff by name. They continue to be charmed by her but are also feeling comfortable around her. Ed drags us into his office and reviews the contracts. By quarter to ten, the new backers show up. The next two hours business is serious and intense. At 12:15 p.m. Paul announces "I think we have a deal." Lunch and more talk. Finally, at 3:30 p.m., the meeting comes to an end with all parties agreeing to meet for dinner tomorrow night at the exclusive Harbor Club on the St. John's River in Sanford. Ed gathers the staff and announces the closing of the deal. Feeling generous, he lets everyone go home early. Maggie asks if she can steal me until tomorrow evening. Laughing, Ed answers, "As if I can control anything Susan does."

The evening is wonderful. We stay home playing games with the kids, making popcorn, and laughing. The warm atmosphere continues even after the children are in bed. Maggie is attentive and affectionate. And softer, somehow. I wonder if something has changed. Mom is the first to say good night. I finally have time to get to know Paul and Derek. They are a loving couple. At eleven I give up. Maggie and I say good night and walk hand-in-hand to bed. Tonight I want to sleep in her arms. I want to feel her next to me, touching me, holding me. I want to run my hands over her body and remember every bit of her topography. Hmmm. Maybe I will make a map of her body.

Maggie surprises me with a bottle of wine she pulls from her luggage. She goes back downstairs to open it and retrieve glasses. When she returns, she is carrying a platter with cheese, crackers and fruit on it.

"I thought I would bring a few supplies." She smiles and crawls into bed. "Actually, I just want to have a quiet evening where we can just talk and hold. And, maybe play," she adds with a grin. A brief look of hesitancy flickers across her face as she adds, "Playing optional." I am touched by her gentle consideration. We play, laugh, and talk. It seems everytime we have an argument, the next time we see each other, another barrier comes down and we are closer. Or, maybe, Maggie realizes I am not going away.

Another morning waking up beside her. I love the playful, child-like part of her. Her sense of joy. Her ability to really enjoy the moment. At times, it feels like a new sun has come into my life and brought its bright light and warmth. I enjoy her presence. Her gift of laughter. Her willingness to be silly. Her tenderness. Her passion. I try not to think about her leaving in two days.

The next 48 hours fly. Paul and Derek have already left. I persuade them to let Beth and D. J. stay with us until they get back. Realizing they have had very little time alone, they agree. Besides, I can stay busy with children and not miss Maggie. As much, I amend.

Maggie begins packing, "Why won't you come with me?"

"I have a job. I have a child. I can't just pick up and leave."

"I'm part of your job. You know Ed won't mind. I want us to be together."

My irritation is palpable. "Don't start, Maggie. You are one of our clients. But not the only one. Besides, I’m getting behind." I am also afraid I will be lost in Maggie's wake. Another member of her entourage. A hanger-on. I couldn't handle that. Or the intensity.

Maggie comes up behind me, locking me in full-body embrace as she whispers, "I could get behind you and we could have some fun."

In spite of the feeling of arousal, I answer, "Sweetheart, this is my job. Besides I don't want to be a groupie or a rowdy or whatever."

Laughing, Maggie stands up and resumes packing. "It's roadie. And you would never be a groupie...or whatever. You are one of the stubbornest, most determined...." Maggie hesitates, "most beautiful, most wonderful woman I have ever known." She closes her various pieces of luggage and moves them off the bed. Sitting next to me, she continues, "When you are not around, I sometimes close my eyes and imagine you being in the room. I can actually see you walking across the room with that absent-minded look you sometimes get. I watch the way you turn your head when you are really listening-like right now. Sometimes I can even feel you lying next to me and hear your excited breathing when we make love." The star stumbles, realizing she has exposed so much of herself. "But being a groupie-not in my wildest dreams."

A door has opened-only briefly. Maggie allows me in and when I want to touch, to stay close, she quickly closes it. I don't understand.

"I love you, Margaret Carson-Baxter." I take her hand and kiss the palm. I can feel her pulse beating rapidly. Slowly I push her down on the bed. I want to make love with this wild dream. Maybe I can pour enough of my love inside her wounds and she can begin to heal.

A curtain descends across Maggie as if she is going away. I pull her close and refuse to let her go. I love this woman. I don't want to lose her.

The next morning Maggie is distant and quiet as she prepares to leave. Beth and D. J. stay close, afraid to let go. Their mom sits on the floor talking to them. Her leaving feels like more than just a physical leaving. As if she reads my thoughts, she looks at me and mouths a quiet, "thank you." I am not sure why. Sadness threatens to drown me. I walk out of the room, wishing today was a work day. When I hear the front door open, I rejoin the group. Would Maggie really have left without saying good-bye? This feels more like a reception line where everyone stands and waits their turn for hugs and handshakes. I am next. Maggie stands in front of me. An eternity passes before she finally looks at me. Tears are forming in her gorgeous eyes. She starts to speak, stops, starts again, then looks back down. She plays with the ring on my hand. I see her swallow hard. I reach for her hand and cover it with mine. Slowly looking up, she stares at me. Her arms fly around me and she whispers, "I love you, too, Susan Brianna Hettinger." I am stunned. By the time I finally have a reply, the car has pulled away and she is gone.

Mom takes my arm and leads me back into the house. I replay the scene to make sure my hearing is not impaired. I can't imagine what else sounds like "I love you." A glove for you? Too many syllables. Above you? What would be above me. I dug you? Maybe, but not grammatically correct. I can't believe I am worrying about grammar at a time like this. Shut up Susan and just accept.