# Chapter 22

A shrill beeping sound echoed through the room, waking the sleeping women much earlier than either of them felt they should be awake.

“I told you we’d need the alarm on the mobile setting, we’d have never woken up on time without it.” The small blonde woman snuggled closer to her partner, their arms and legs tangled together.

“I feel like I just fell asleep.” JJ groaned.

Cory kissed her lover’s hands, “Well technically babe we did, and if the alarm reads 4.30 as I hope it does, then you’ve had about three hours sleep. It’s not my fault your libido wouldn’t let you rest.”

“Or that I had a vixen in bed with me!” JJ tickled Cory, making the younger woman squeal.

“I never heard any complaints coming my way last night, or this morning for that fact.” She yawned, and stretched her body. “I hate to bring this up babe but we have to be at the check in desk in an hour.” She rolled over and kissed the dark haired woman, gently at first. When she felt the woman respond to her touch, she deepened the kiss.

JJ broke the kiss, “You are insatiable! Has anyone ever told you that?”

“Nope, you’ve opened doors to a world I never knew existed. I didn’t realize my body could respond so many times in such a short period of time! Plus I needed to get my fill of you. I have a good seven weeks to stock up on.” She knew as soon as she opened her mouth that she’d brought up the subject of JJ’s impending departure up.

“I know babe, I don’t want to go. If I could stay and see you through this I would. But we both have to sort out our pasts before we can work on the future. Seven weeks will fly by and from what you’ve told me this semester at school is busy. I promise you we’ll talk as much as possible and we both have to look into the possibilities ahead of us. How about we make a plan of action?” JJ pushed herself up into a sitting position and pulled Cory towards her.

Cory nestled up against JJ, “What kind of plan?”

“Well how about we make the next seven weeks into an information search. We both have investments in houses, jobs and family. We need to look into how easy or hard it is to get into each other’s country. We also need to see which option will give us the best outlook for the future. Cory, if, no when we do this I want it to be forever. I’ve known you just over a month and it seems absurd that I’m about to make a life changing decision. But I believe in us. I’ve never felt this way before and I doubt I ever will again. We have to make sure the choices we make are sensible and not just done on the spur of the moment.”

“I know babe, I just wish you could stay here. We just seem to be getting to know each other and now we have to part.” Cory bit her bottom lip, they’d promised no more tears but she could feel a lump in her throat.

“Cory I’d stay in a heartbeat. If you ask me to, I will. But we have to be practical. Now I hate to break up this discussion but if we don’t hurry up I may well have to stay! I promise we’ll talk more at the airport, okay?” JJ turned Cory’s beautiful face towards her, her heart was breaking and she knew she was the cause of Cory’s misery. But it wasn’t as if she could take the pain away or that she was doing it intentionally. Her own heart was feeling battered and bruised too. “Come on the last one in the shower has to buy breakfast.”

Cory leapt out of the bed, the mention of breakfast and free in the same breath spurred her into motion. She rushed into the bathroom; a toilet stop was her first port of call. She looked up as JJ entered the smaller room, “Er I think we’re definitely crossing a border here.”

“Cory I’ve seen every inch of your fantastic body, probably more areas than you, and you’re worried because I’m watching you pee? Will it make it even if you watch me?”

Cory blushed, she knew she was being silly, “Okay I’ll start the shower that way the hot water will have time to run through.” She looked longingly at JJ’s body, it was going to be a long seven weeks away from this woman but she knew what JJ had said made sense.

The pair arrived at the airport with a few minutes to spare. They found the Virgin International desk with little problem and lined up behind a few other passengers. They’d timed it perfectly as the queue began to tail back behind them over their ten-minute wait. Cory stood with JJ until she knew only those with tickets could proceed to the desk. She stood watching JJ as she turned her charm towards the check in lady. Whatever she was asking for the lady seemed more than willing to oblige.

Five minutes later, a beaming JJ sauntered towards Cory with her rucksack slung casually over her shoulder, “When you gots it, you’ve gots it and baby I’ve gots it!” the American slurred in a John Wayne style accent.

“Pardon? Could your head get any bigger? I saw you flirting with that lady! I can’t take you anywhere. So what did you get for your trouble?” Cory linked arms with JJ as they walked towards the food court.

“I needed extra leg room, I was cramped on my way over and as I’d booked last minute they had no seats available. But today she said she’d make sure my wishes were accommodated.”

“I bet she did. If she’d had her way she’d have personally made sure all your wishes were granted. You certainly have a way with the women, come to think about it the men too.” Cory pretended to pout.

JJ grabbed Cory’s hand, “Well what can I say? But babe you know where my heart belongs don’t you? Seriously I’m hooked on you and only you.” She brought the smaller hand to her lips and kissed the knuckles.

“I know J, I was just teasing. But it never hurts to hear those words. So didn’t I hear someone mention breakfast to me? We have about an hour before you should go through to the gate.” Cory indicated to the breakfast bar as she spoke.

“I can go through later than that Cory, I can wait until the very last minute.” JJ pulled Cory towards her.

Cory looked up into sad blue eyes, “I know you would but to be honest the longer I stay, the harder it’s going to be to let go of you. I’m being very brave and every minute that goes by makes my heart break a little bit more. Plus I need to miss the traffic; the last thing I want is to be caught up in the returning holiday traffic. Not that I’m putting that before you.”

“It’s okay Cor, I know what you’re saying. We have breakfast together and then we walk to the gate. Sound like a deal?” She looked at Cory as the blonde nodded.

Neither woman really ate any breakfast. They mainly sat facing each other, hands firmly grasped across the table. Their eyes glistening with unshed tears, each trying to be as brave as the other.

JJ broke the silence, “So what are your plans for today then? Mine are to sit on a plane for seven hours, arrive home and see what Sarah has left for me.”

Cory took a moment to gather her thoughts. What was she going to do today? “I guess the first thing is to pick myself up and find the car, then make my way to mum and dad’s. Pretend to the world I’m okay and spend time with my granddad, I’m going to stay a while. Mum could do with a break and time to get her washing done. I noticed it was piling up in the laundry room the other day. Then home to talk to Sam. What I really want to do is curl up into a ball and cry.”

JJ scooted around the table to sit beside Cory in the booth. She put her arm around the blonde and pulled her close, ignoring the stares she was receiving from the other patrons. “Shush, go ahead and cry babe I’m here for you.”

“No, if you can be stoic than so can I!” Cory stated, even though there were huge teardrops making there way down her face.

“Cory, you have a hell of a week ahead of you. If you think it’s for the best then don’t say anything to Sam until tomorrow. You’ve had hardly any sleep; you’re not sure what state your grandfather’s going to be in. Another 24 hours won’t hurt anyone. Think about what you’re going to say before you say it. Are you going to mention us or just tell him things aren’t working?” JJ kissed Cory’s cheek; it tasted of salt. She reached for a napkin and wiped the tears away.

“You’re right. I have thought a little about what I want to say. I definitely want Sam to understand that we have had problems way before this. I guess I need to mention my past to him and my changing sexuality. If I tell him about you straight away he’s going to assume you’re the reason and that he’s the injured party. I’m going to see how granddad is and go from there.”

JJ checked her watch, “I really should be heading towards the gate.”

There was a short line when they arrived at the security checkpoint. They stood to the side, “I guess this is the moment we’ve been dreading, huh?” Cory said as she put her bag on the floor.

“I guess so,” JJ replied. She pulled Cory into a bear hug. Neither spoke. Their thoughts seemed to translate through their bodies.

“I love you JJ, I promise always and forever.” Cory felt the body against her shake and shudder. As she held JJ tighter, she heard a sob rip from the throat of the taller woman. Cory took a small step back and moved her hands to JJ’s face. What she saw tore at her heart. Tears were streaming from JJ’s eyes, “Hey, come on where’s my brave warrior?” Cory didn’t know where she found the strength to hold back her own tears. “Come on babe, seven weeks, just 49 days and I promise we’ll be together if I have to swim the ocean. I promise.”

JJ nodded, she had no idea where the tears had come from. When she’d held Cory’s body, the fear that this might be the last time ever had overwhelmed her. “I know babe.” She took Cory’s face between her hands and kissed her tenderly on the lips. She didn’t care who saw or who she offended. She needed the contact. Cory returned the kiss until both of them came to their senses and remembered where they were.

“You okay?” Cory asked one last time.

“Yeah, I promise. Okay let the count down begin 49 days and counting. Always and forever Cory. I’ll call you when I get in or send you an email if it’s too late okay?”

“How about doing both? Call my mobile, and if it’s switched off leave a message. That way I get to hear your voice. I’ll miss you babe, now scoot.” She pulled JJ down for one last kiss. “Always and forever.”

JJ nodded and walked towards the line. She brushed her hands across her face, and watched as Cory stood wiping her own tears. As she went through the checkpoint she turned one last time and blew a kiss. Cory pretended to catch it and put it in her pocket, and then she was gone. JJ took a deep breath and continued her journey; the funny thing was, she didn’t feel like she was going home anymore.

It was 7am, by the time Cory had dried her tears and made her way to the exit, her mind was going faster than her brain could handle. She had so many decisions to make, and questions to answer. She had a hard time focusing on the simple task of finding her car. She wandered aimlessly through the concrete multistory car park, staring at various cars. Finally she came to a halt against a wall and blinked several times. She couldn’t believe the step she was about to take, couldn’t quite understand how she had gotten to this point. But she definitely wanted to take that last faltering step over the edge. Repeating over and over in her head the words ‘you can do this’, she took a deep breath and cleared her head. She needed to find her car before anything could be sorted out. She remembered JJ’s laughter, and the letter B. That’s right; JJ had told her to remember B for breasts and butts. She’d left the car in zone B.

After paying the fee at the machine, she easily found her car. When she opened the door the musky smell of JJ’s perfume hit her and she crumpled into the seat. All resolutions of toughness were gone and so was her baby. She knew she had to move, the ticket would only last another 10 minutes and then she’d have to pay the fee over again. She started the engine and reversed out of the space. Another hour and a half and she’d be at her parent’s house. She should give Sam a call; she hadn’t spoken to him since she’d left on Thursday. How much could one person change in two days? A lot she told herself, she knew she had. She hoped he still wasn’t mad at her. He hadn’t called her and that was a sure sign things weren’t right between them. Who was she kidding, things hadn’t been right for a long time, and Thursday morning had been the start of the end.

The journey was a smooth one, the traffic hadn’t been that bad. But considering it was early on a Saturday morning she’d timed it just right. She’d had a hard time concentrating on the traffic, her mind replaying the week in her head. Part of her wished she’d told JJ how she felt at the beginning of the week. But she knew in her heart that their timing had been right, that both of them had needed to be sure. As she pulled into her parent’s road, as she crested the hill she saw way too many familiar cars parked outside the house. Sam’s, Kerry’s, Mike’s, and two of her uncle’s were already there.. Her heart began to pound, her blood ran cold and she knew what she’d find when she entered the house.

Why hadn’t anybody called her? In that instance she knew why; her phone was switched off. She’d set the alarm the previous night and turned it off to save the battery. The phone automatically came on for the alarm but switched itself off afterwards. She hadn’t given it a second thought. She’d been so caught up in her own emotions; with the thought of missing JJ she hadn’t thought to check. She parked behind Sam’s car and took a deep breath, she could get through this. She reached into her bag and turned the phone on. Instantly it beeped that there had been 2 missed calls, one from her mother and one from Sam. As she opened the car door, Sam was coming out of her parent’s front door.

“I’m too late aren’t I?” She leant against the car as she saw tears in Sam’s eyes.

He came towards her, “We tried to call you this morning. Your mum has been going frantic. She just kept getting the voice message. It happened at 6.30; I knew you wouldn’t be at the hotel with JJ flying out at 7.30. Your mum and I didn’t leave any voice messages, as we didn’t want you to drive back in a state of shock. I’m so sorry Cory.

Cory held onto Sam and cried her heart out. She cried for the grandfather who had given her so much love in her life. She cried for her lover who had shown her the love that was her future, and she cried for her present; for the man who held her, and in his own way loved her too.

Slowly, they walked towards the front door, “Is he still here?” she asked tentatively.

Sam nodded, “The undertakers won’t be able to get here until later. He wanted to be cremated and scattered at the same site as your grandmother. It means they have to come from Birmingham. Your mum has laid him out upstairs for people to pay their last respects to him.”

As she entered the house she saw the faces of her siblings, Kerry took her from Sam. “Hey shush, he doesn’t hurt any more, he’s with Nan now.”

“I should have been here for him.”

“Hey none of us were here, except mum and dad. He didn’t die alone. Mum rocked him to sleep and stayed with him. It was too early in the morning, don’t beat yourself up Cory.” Kerry held onto her sister tightly.

“I should have been here yesterday, last night even.”

“I saw him yesterday morning and he told me all about your friend and how he had liked her. He was glad you were taking a few days away. He said he didn’t want you to spend all your time nursing him but to have fun with your friend. Then I saw him last night Cory and he didn’t even know who I was, the medication was up so high. He wanted you to be happy.” Kerry brushed the tears off her sister’s cheeks.

“He said that?”

“Cory he knew he didn’t have much time. We all knew. He enjoyed his last few days. He told me so, I promise. You should go and see mum, she’s been worried about you.” Kerry pointed upstairs towards their old bedroom.

“I can’t go in there Kerry. I can’t.” Cory collapsed on the stairs, pulling her legs to her chest she rocked back and forth. “I can’t go and see him.” As she cried her mother came out onto the landing. She walked down the stairs and pulled her middle daughter into her arms.

“Hey my baby, it’s over now he’s not in pain. He’s at peace and with God and your grandmother.” Her mother rocked her.

After a few minutes of silence, except for the sobbing breaths of both women, Cory looked at her mother through tear stained eyes. “Nan’s probably busting his chops for making her wait two years!”

Cory’s mum laughed, “You’re probably right. She never did like waiting for things. So are you going to go up and see him? He looks peaceful. I’ve dressed him in his best suit and he’s wearing the buttonhole from your wedding. I’ve put his favourite socks on as well. You made him very proud Cory, and he loved you dearly.”

Cory peered through the banisters. Now that the door to the bedroom was open, she could see the very edge of her grandfather’s feet and written down the bottom of the sock was ‘GRANDAD’ in large letters. Cory burst into tears again. She’d bought him those socks for Christmas. In fact she’d bought a similar pair for all the men with their names on them.

After a few more tears and a couple of hugs, her mum left Cory to go and talk to the nurse who had arrived to collect the morphine and other medical supplies that had been needed for her grandfather’s treatment. Kerry came to sit beside her sister, “How you doing?”

“Not good. Nothing can prepare you for this. No amount of pre knowledge can really take the pain away.” Cory blew her nose and wiped her tears.

“I know, but you should think about going in there to say your goodbyes Cory. I know you didn’t when Nan died but maybe this would help. Cory, I heard somewhere that the dead can hear our thoughts.”

“But I’ve never seen a dead body Kerry, I’m scared.”

“Hey it’s granddad. What if I come in with you initially; will that help?” Kerry held her sister’s hand.

Cory thought about it. She had some things she needed to say and maybe it was true, maybe the dead could hear your thoughts. She could tell him goodbye and that she loved him. She nodded her head and let Kerry lead her up the stairs.

JJ’s mind hadn’t settled since she’d gotten on the flight. Her body was exhausted and her mind wasn’t fairing any better. She wished she hadn’t had to leave, but she knew what had to be done on her end and none of it could be done 3000 miles away. She’d never run from anything in her life and she wasn’t going to start. She just hoped she didn’t run into Sarah so soon, as she needed sleep. She flicked through the radio channels, but nothing appealed to her so she reached for her CD player. She’d bought a few CD’s on the way over, and chose one she liked a lot by Amanda Marshall. She settled into her seat and pressed the start of the CD. As the songs played through, certain lines caught her attention. The first track was called ‘Believe In You’. She’d listened to it once before, on the morning that Cory had slept in, and the chorus struck a chord with JJ.

I believe in you

I can’t even count the ways that

I believe in you

And all I want to do is help you to

Believe in you

I will hold you up

I will help you stand

I will comfort you when you need a friend

I will be the voice that’s calling out …………….

## ……… These were words she hoped to prove to Cory, to show how much she loved the blonde and how she believed in her. As the CD played on several songs reminded her of her feelings for Sarah, or the lack of feelings or trust between the two of them. When track 5 came on JJ’s heart lurched. The words were about her feelings for Cory. She hadn’t really heard the song before and she hit the repeat button over and over again.

### I don’t know what I was thinking

### ‘Til I was thinking of you

I don’t remember a thing before I opened my eyes

And you came into view.

I don’t know what I was doing

When there was nothing to do

### Must’ve been waiting for someone, baby

Now I can see – I was waiting for you.

I’d give up my sight just to see you

I’d beg, I would borrow and steal

I’d cut off my hands just to touch you

And tear out my heart so you’d know how I feel

There’s nowhere that I wouldn’t follow

There’s nothing that I wouldn’t do

‘Cause I wouldn’t wanna be me

If i didn’t have you.

Driving myself to distraction

Until you got in my way

I was just whistling Dixie ‘til you struck up the band

And they started to play

I don’t know how I was living

Until you came in my life

I always knew there was something wrong

Then you came along

Baby, you made it right.

I was alone in the silence

‘Til I was hearing your voice

I couldn’t see my way clear until you parted the clouds

And you gave me a choice

I couldn’t pick up the pieces

‘Til I was falling apart

I didn’t know I was bleeding

‘Til your love fixed this hole, baby here in my heart.

JJ pulled the blanket over her face, as silent tears tracked down her cheeks. She would send a copy of this CD to Cory. Just the thought of Cory made her cry even more. She hoped her partner was faring better than she was. She pressed the button to the light on her watch and glanced at the clock; it was 10.30 am. She’d only been on the plane for 3 hours. Her mind drifted back to Cory; where was she now? What was she doing? JJ worked out the time on her hands, Cory would be at her parent’s, and at least she’d have company to cheer her up before she faced Sam.

She closed her eyes, as memories of Cory drifted through her mind. She thought of the many things she needed to do. The first thing was to get back to the house and see what Sarah had taken. She knew Sarah had moved in with a friend. She just hoped she hadn’t raided the house of all it's content. Most of the furniture had been bought with the insurance money she had got from her mother’s death. But as she and Sarah had lived together for a few years she doubted Sarah would remember this small fact. She needed to wash her clothes, Cory had offered midweek but there hadn’t seemed much point, now she had a full load. After that she had decided to make some plans for the two weeks that Cory was coming out. She figured it would give them something to look forward to. And then there was work… what was she going to tell the girls at work on Monday? And more to the point, how was she going to explain all this to her friends?

Cory was still shaking from her experience. The body had just been a shell; not the grandfather she loved so much. His body looked so thin and frail, and his skin had felt cold and still had the tinge of yellow to it. She knew her grandfather’s soul had left the body. She’d kissed him on the cheek; it felt bristly. Her grandfather had been meticulous about shaving and it felt weird to feel the sensation against her skin. After the kiss she’d whispered how much she loved him and always would. She thanked him for all he had done for her. She hoped Kerry was right and that he could hear her words.

Now she was sitting on the stairs, staring into space. She thought of the one person she wished was there, holding her. Sam came and sat next to his wife. He took her hand and squeezed it gently. “How are you holding up?”

She looked at him, he looked crushed, “I’m holding up okay, how are you?”

“Shocked, I guess. Your dad’s more cut up than he’ll admit. So how was your trip? Did JJ enjoy her first visit to the UK?”

“She liked it a lot. London was an experience.” Cory found it difficult to talk. Her mind wouldn’t stay on one topic for long. She felt exhausted and just wanted to sleep, and for the pain to go away.

“Cory there’s nothing more we can do here. How about we go home? You look terrible and I think you’re in shock. We could come back over later if you feel up to it. Nothing much needs organizing; Fred had plenty of time to plan his own funeral. Your mum just has to find a day to hold it. I think that’s up to your aunts and uncles. Come on, let’s go.” Sam helped Cory to stand up. He knew she was suffering and he wanted to get her away from the situation. Kerry had left and Mike was helping his father settle Cory’s mum down.

He lead her into the kitchen, and out to the car. He didn’t want to disturb her mum. She’d taken the events of the day hard. He’d call later, right now his priority was to get Cory settled. He sensed that this was going to be a difficult time for Cory, much worse than when her grandmother had died. He just wished he could get through to her, he hoped it wasn’t too late. After the events on Thursday he had been worried. For the first time he had questioned their relationship and whether it was what Cory kept telling him, on the rocks. His mind had been picturing the two women in bed on that morning. Something about the scene had made him realize what he had and what he could lose. The way JJ had held Cory, so tightly, so possessively had made him jealous, Cory had said nothing had happened but there had been a doubt, he’d seen it for a brief moment in her eyes, before she’d got angry at him.

He knew she enjoyed her friends, but he’d never seen her so excited or animated as when she talked about the day they’d spent at the castle and the twinkle in her eyes, even after the news of Fred’s deterioration she’d had a sparkle to her. Maybe it was just his imagination. He’d be the first to admit that he had no time for gay people and didn’t fully understand why people found the same sex attractive. But there had been something about JJ that he didn’t trust. Cory hadn’t reacted the same way to her that she did when she was with Ange or Rachel. Well JJ was gone now, and his wife was still here. He hoped that this would be the end of this chapter. Cory would grieve her grandfather and then they’d fall back into their regular routine.

He glanced to his left, and saw that she was fast asleep. He drove the rest of the journey trying to figure out how he could arrange time off to help Cory through this. The difficulty was that the business meetings for the upcoming week were important and only he could deal with the contracts. He did some mental calculations. With some schedule swapping he realized he could make Monday through Wednesday work intensive days and then take Thursday and Friday off for the funeral. After that, maybe there would be an opportunity to take Cory away for the weekend.

When they arrived home, Cory woke up. She felt awful, her head was pounding and her eyes stung. “We home?”

“Yes. You were out like a spark. I think you should go straight to bed, I’m going to call your dad and see how your mum is, and whether the funeral home has given them a date, and picked up the body, I mean Fred. If you feel up to it we’ll go over later, or maybe tomorrow. We need to pick your car up. I’m going to call Marj as well and tell her, I’m not sure going to work on Monday is wise. You could spend it with your mum or here.”

Cory had listened to the odd words here and there. She just wanted to take some headache tablets and sleep. The lack of sleep from the night before was beginning to affect her and the shock wasn’t helping much. She swayed on her feet and Sam put his arm around her. “Come on to bed with you.” He helped Cory up the stairs and gently lowered her to the bed. He removed her shoes and helped her take her top off, then unclasped her bra and took off her trousers. He then found her spare nightshirt and helped her put it on.

“Sam, can you find me some headache tablets. I think my head’s about to split in half.”

“I’ll be up in a minute with a cup of tea and tablets, I’ll leave Holly here for a while and then take her out later. She’ll be company for you plus she’ll only whine if she can’t sleep with you.” Sam kissed Cory on the forehead and headed for the kitchen.

Alone for the second time that day, Cory reviewed the past several hours. The day had started on a high and then gone downhill from there, losing JJ and then her granddad had been too much for her to take. She felt like she was grieving for two people. She needed to let JJ know but she didn’t have any strength to get to the office and she didn’t know JJ’s phone number off the top of her head to leave a message. She glanced at the clock noticing it was midday, she wondered how far across the ocean JJ was.

As she was working out the hours, Sam entered the room and lifted her head off the pillow, “Here you go two tablets and a glass of water. I’ve made you a cup of tea. I’ll come and check on you later.” With that he closed the bedroom door leaving Cory with only Holly for company. She patted the bed and Holly jumped up next to her.

“He’s gone Holly, really gone. What am I going to do?” The dog licked the salty tears that were flowing silently down Cory’s cheeks. Cory stroked Holly’s coat, “You haven’t got a clue what’s going on, have you? But you’re here for me.” She settled down and Holly lay next to her allowing Cory to cuddle up to her. Alone with her thoughts of the day, she silently cried herself to sleep.

Part 23

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