Chapter 7

Cory awoke to blazing sunshine coming in through the bedroom curtains. It was a lovely fresh Sunday morning, it was the end of January and the weather was good for this time of year. As she stretched she felt the muscles ripple in her back and a slight ache from her workout at the gym. She liked the firmness of her back muscles and was pleasantly surprised at how quickly her body was responding to the new workout regime. Rachel and her were going to start a new class called Body Pump once work settled down.

Sam arrived in the room with a steaming mug of tea, “Morning sleepy head – Holly and I have been down the field and she’s worn out. I’m off to play a round of golf so I should be gone for a few hours. What are your plans for the day?”

“I thought I’d check my mails, do some marking, write my plans. Same ole same ole really.”

“Want to come to golf?” Sam enquired knowing the answer before it came he glanced at his wife.

Cory pulled a face and slid under the covers, “No way I’d rather mark a thousand books than follow you over a golf course!” came the muffled response from under the duvet.

Sam squeezed her leg and patted the dog and went on his way. Cory surfaced from under the covers and glanced at the clock, 9am, well it’d be 4am in the States but there was bound to be a morning message off JJ if she could get her lazy arse out of the bed. She grabbed her cup of tea and bathrobe and made her way into the office. There was a slight chill in the house and as the computer was booting up she made her way to the heating thermostat.

Holly settled herself at the door of the office and Cory sank into the large chair in the office glancing at the piles of paperwork that were scattered around the room. She made a mental note to talk to Sam about getting shelves put up. The connection was going through so she grabbed a sheet of paper to write a list of chores and reminders for the week. It was busy at school and she needed to make sure she had all the things ready for the school’s cross country meeting that they were hosting, there was also the night out at an Italian with work for her birthday and she had to visit her parents.

She glanced at the screen, it had started the download and she didn’t have to wait long before there it was a mail from JJ. Her heart was beating slightly faster and she noticed her hands were trembling. She had no idea why, all she knew was this was a regular occurrence when JJ posted a mail to her. She put it down to fear of the unknown and opened the post.

JJ Matthews Re: More about me

WARNING - HUGE E-MAIL - YOU MAY NEED CAFFEINE TO STAY AWAKE!! --- Return e-mail just as big, lucky you have no limit.

On the subject of soul mates I'm divided - I'd like to think there was but then it would mean that I haven't met mine yet. Me either. But it's not like the books suggest!

So are you a big believer of love at first sight and soulmates?

I don't know about love at first sight as so much as ooh this person is special and I want to get to know them better.

As for soulmates-- meaning that people are just supposed to be together and they fit together good, then yes. I think my parents were soulmates. They were perfect together (unbiased opinion of course). I think one is very lucky to have that, with the soulmate thing, too. I also do not think it happens as often in real life as it does in the books. Always in the books the two that fall in love, it happens instantaneously and it's like they have known each other for years. At least in some of the lesbian romance novels. I'm a firm believer in fate! Me too and that things happen for a reason, whether it is for the good or bad?

I have been in love three times in my life - For me 4 times. One time it was the first woman I really liked and couldn't stop thinking about. I almost got kicked out of my house for her. She dumped me after a month or so. For her it was a conquest of being the first woman I was ever with. We only got as far as kissing. (But is was good kissing!!)That was Kelly it was hard but I survived.

The second was Tina we lasted 2˝ years. Sometimes when I would look at her my stomach did flips. We broke up when we were in Germany. That is a long story. She left me for a man. A man that ended being friends with her so he could get to know me!!!! The next was a different Sarah that was older and attached. We became friends from work. We used to flirt and she would call me a tease (which I guess I was) I knew her while I was with Tina. Well I came home from Germany and was at her house. She grabbed me and it sent shocks through my arm. I looked at her very differently. I was on vacation for a few weeks; I really thought about and sort of tried to become the other woman. I really hate myself for that. The long and the short of it was - she stayed with her girlfriend and I met Sarah about a year later. Here is my how I met Sarah story:

I came back to the States from Germany in April of 1994. I worked for a local grocery store. Sarah came home from Ohio (a different state). She had just broken up with her girlfriend. Sarah started working in the same store about a month later. She says she feel in love with me the first time she saw me. I was afraid of her. She was this tough girl and she slicked her hair back. She also smoked and drank a lot. She stopped smoking when she found out I wouldn't be with anybody that smoked. I think that is love. She stopped drinking about a year or so ago. I used to drink but I was afraid it was becoming a problem and stopped. Now I have the odd beer but nothing to excess (My father used to drink a lot, but hasn’t had a drink in 25 years).

Sarah and I went walking on the beach one night and my leg went into a hole and I almost couldn't get out. She helped me get it out and we sort of went from there. She did all the chasing and I let her. I like going to the movies and playing putt putt golf (mini-golf), that bored her to tears but she did it anyway. Once I got to see there was a great person under there I let my guard down. I was also afraid to commit and give my heart to somebody, now I am glad I did. The only scary thing is that I know that Sarah loves me so much more than I love her. My love is growing, for me it wasn't love at first sight. I didn't want that after having it twice and almost wanting to be dead afterwards (at least with Tina).

WAKE UP!!!!! I'VE FINISHED!

Do you know the group Wet Wet Wet? I really like their music. I have the CD’s from when I lived in Germany. You asked in one of your e-mails what my accent was like well the movie that was set near here was "Good Will Hunting." If you have seen that then that is my accent.

When did you know you were gay? When I finally came out to myself I was 22. I am almost jealous of some of the people on the list that are 15 or 17 and already know.

Did you come straight out? No way... I was confused, how could I be something that my parents told me never to become. I could look back on my life and say ... Oh I had a crush on her and her and her. I didn't have anybody to talk to - I was a teenager in the 80's, people didn't talk about things like that. There was no Internet like we have now. No chat rooms, no Gay/Straight Alliance. There was no "Ellen Degeneres, Melissa Etheridge" and I was scared of rejection.

How did your parents react? Not very well. My mother cried, and told me "Daddy won't be happy" and my father didn't talk to me for a while, just gave me looks. I didn't tell my mother she asked me and I knew if I lied it would be my last chance to tell her.

You don't have to answer. I really don't mind; would you mind if I asked you some questions. I’m in two minds whether to ask you now, actually I am almost afraid to ask. I don't want to get you mad or anything. Then again you’ve asked me some personal ones so here goes: In your last mail you said you‘d been in love 3 times but only named two of them. So was the second one a woman? Like you said if it’s too personal just ignore it’s just you mentioned the other two as guys and skimmed over this one.

Well this is turning into an epic and I’m still at work. I hope this mail finds you well and rested after a good nights sleep.

Take it easy kiddo

JJ

Cory read the last section of the mail she’d known what the question was going to be before she’d read it, she’d wanted to write the answer in her original mail but she hadn’t had the guts to actually put it onto paper. How could she tell someone about her past, about her big secret? She hadn’t told a soul for 7 years and now here it was coming back to haunt her.

As she sat there pondering the doorbell rang and Holly shot up barking, instantly on guard dog patrol. Cory glanced out of the window; well there was no car outside so she couldn’t tell who it was. She tightened the belt on her robe and made her way downstairs.

She peered through the glass; it was Doug from next door.

“Morning Cory, sorry have I disturbed?” Doug asked as he took in Cory’s disheveled appearance.

“No Doug I’m just taking it slow, it is a Sunday you know! Talking of which what can I do for you on this bright cheery morning?” she flashed a grin at him, they’d been neighbours for over a year and rarely spoken except on the odd occasion when they were both gardening out the front and at New Year when they’d had a street party with all the neighbours.

“I just wanted to ask if you fancied going out next week as we share a birthday.”

Cory looked blankly at Doug, she had no idea he even knew her birthday was this month. “We share a birthday?”

“Yeah you told me at New Year. Only I have 5 more years experience on this earth than you! So do you fancy it? My brother and his wife are going. Nicki will be there of course.”

“Should be okay, I’ll have to check with Sam but we had no plans. Can I invite my sister if she’s around?”

“Sure the more the merrier! I’ll talk to you about times in the week, we just have to sort a babysitter out.” He smiled at Cory and then saw the goosebumps appearing on her arms where the robe didn’t quite reach. “You’d better go in before you freeze, it just looks a nice warm day until you get outside!”

Cory nodded, said her goodbyes and shut the door. She liked birthdays, especially her own. She was never one to pass up the opportunity to have a good drink and socialize. Having a mother who didn’t celebrate birthdays had definitely made her feel like she was missing out on something and so she went out of her way to make birthdays special. She made a note to email her sister and see if she’d come along, they weren’t the closest of siblings but when it came to their birthdays they went out of their way to be civilized. Her mind returned to the mail waiting to be replied to, she wandered into the kitchen to put the kettle on, another cup of tea would make her feel better and help her decide.

Her mind was in turmoil here was her chance to actually get something off her chest with someone who would understand and it scared her. She stood in front of the kettle and watched the steam flow out of the spout. She’d made her mind up JJ had been open and honest with her and she owed her an explanation. It would do her good to finally open up to someone about a side of her noone knew about. With the cup of tea made, Cory made her way upstairs and opened up a new mail.

Cory Williams It's me
Good Morning JJ,

I figured that'd be the question; the second love of my life was Deb. We went out for over a year at college and kept it very quiet, we were best friends and lovers, she wanted to tell everyone about us but I wanted the secrecy not her. I think my house mates suspected but they didn't say anything at all - I’d had many boyfriends and had managed to get myself quite a reputation as a man eater - not by choice or action but because of Angela's boyfriend who I’d dumped and as he didn't like it he decided to make my life difficult by spreading rumours. People figured i was still hurting from Jon and that's why i didn't have a boyfriend - the fact that Deb stayed every other night didn't occur to them - and you had to go through my room to get to the bathroom!
I'm only just coming to terms with this really- and Sam doesn't know- i kind of decided that I’d played both sides and when i left college that side of my life was over (very naďve of me)- I spent 2 years after college with no one and then met Sam.

Since getting involved with the list and reading all the fan fiction I'm now having doubts about my sexuality and it scares me. You are the first person I’ve told, I want to tell Angela but I’m worried about how she’ll react and I’m scared of losing her friendship.

So you now know more about me than my best friend and it's good to have someone to talk to – I‘m now worried that Sam will read one of my mails and it'll all come out!
I do want to talk to you about it- maybe I’ll have to get an email address that
needs a password that Sam won’t know or I’ll write an old-fashioned snail mail letter! Then you’ll have problems deciphering my handwriting!
There I've bared my soul - I hope you don't think less of me now for my
cowardliness.

I want to write more but I’m scared of losing your friendship, which is ironic as I think this will actually make our friendship stronger, and maybe through talking to you I’ll be brave enough to tell Angela. I really do feel like I could tell you anything.

Take care JJ

Cory

Cory sent the mail and suddenly felt the weight of the world shift off her shoulders. She took a deep breath and felt much better at peace with herself. Well it was a step in the right direction and for some reason it’d felt right telling JJ her innermost secrets. She just hoped JJ would feel the same.

She knew in her heart of hearts that things would be fine and that she had found a true friend in JJ: a soulmate. At this thought Cory sat upright, her mind racing furiously, what if JJ was her soulmate. There was no rule that said they had to be involved and she did feel like she knew JJ, her body raced when she saw her name and it was just so natural to tell this woman anything about her. She made her mind up that she would ask Cory in the next mail, if she ever wrote back to her.

The rest of the day flew by and Cory had fitted everything into it. She had managed to visit her parents, ring her sister and tidy up the house and it was now late on a Sunday evening. She had cooked the roast dinner and had just finished ploughing her way through her own creation of Mount Olympus – their ironing pile! She plonked herself onto the sofa by Sam and snuggled up, he pushed her away. She looked at him with hurt eyes.

“What’s wrong?” she asked.

“Nothing’s wrong! Why do things have to be wrong?”

“Well usually when a wife hugs her husband he’s supposed to hug her back!” Cory retorted angrily.

“Says who?” replied Sam.

“The books, the movies, real life. For god’s sake Sam it’s not like I jumped your bones I just wanted a cuddle. It’s not like I’m going to get anything else – you’ve made that pretty clear.” Cory went and sat on the other sofa, she felt hurt and confused and just wanted to feel safe and secure. She had no idea what she’d done as they’d been getting on fine but she felt lonely.

“Look I’m just tired, I have a lot on my mind right now. I didn’t mean anything by it. So do you want a cuddle?” Sam sat with his arms open but Cory just glared back at him.

“No, I think I’ll go find something to do that won’t interrupt your evening activities, I didn’t realise I was an inconvenience!” she stood up and met Sam’s eyes, “if you’re not careful I may find somebody who’s willing to let me in and be with them and then I’ll be gone in a flash. I’m tired of this Sam, I’m fed up of being ignored and I’m tired of feeling like I’m not a woman. So make your mind up either you’re in this marriage or you’re not. Either way I want to know.” With this she went upstairs and sat in the office staring at the cream painted wall.

She had no idea why Sam had acted like he had. He’d been out playing golf all day and they’d been getting on well, so what was his problem. Most men welcomed advances from their wives didn’t they? Unless they were involved with someone else. At this thought her body went cold, as if her blood had froze. Someone else. She’d never even considered the possibility. What if Sam was cheating on her? Her hands were shaking and tears welled up in her eyes, her breathing became ragged and she didn’t know why she felt like she did, she just couldn’t control her emotions and they poured from her like a dam breaking.

She didn’t know how long she sat in the room crying, but by the time she stumbled to the bathroom her eyes were red and swollen. She looked awful and had the start of a really bad headache. She considered her options, she could go downstairs and watch the television but that would require talking to Sam, she could have a bath or check her emails. She dismissed the first one, fancied the second one but the latter was the one that brought a smile to her sullen face. If she checked her mail there was sure to be news from JJ.

She washed her face with cold water and looked at herself in the mirror and said aloud, “Pull yourself together Williams, no man will ever make you feel like Jon did! Remember that! Never give your heart – that’s what you promised! Keep the bargain!”

She began the download and for some reason she felt very nervous, her heart was pounding and her hands sweating. She just hoped that JJ understood about her past. She glanced down the screen there were two mails off JJ, well that was a nice surprise. She opened the first one:

JJ Matthews Re: It’s me

Hey Cory,

I had already guessed that the answer would be a woman as you never named her. I don’t judge anyone and I’m just pleased you felt you could trust me with your secrets. I hope never to break this confidence. I will always be here to answer any questions and support you through any decisions or just be a shoulder to cry on if you need one.

I figured for some reason that you might need a bit of light relief after baring your soul so I have some more survey questions! We still have so many things that we don’t know about each other!

You said you were a bit of a poet – any chance of reading some of them. If they’re too personal I’ll understand.

Here is the survey I was just thinking of some things and thought I would write them down, hold on tightly there’s quite a list!!

Favorite snack - Mine are M&M's

Football or rugby - Silly question to ask and then answer a completely different answer! Ice hockey (I don't really care for the other two.) I play for a local team so one day you might see me play!

Mariah or Whitney - I guess Mariah.

Backstreet Boys or N Sync - Backstreet Boys

Reebok or Nike - Reebok

Pepsi or Coke - Pepsi

Favorite Spice Girl - Mel G

Favorite body part (male or female) - Legs, butt, hands and boobs. Not necessarily in that order

What do you look at first in a person - I like their eyes and smile.

Sleep with or without pajamas - I sleep with but would prefer without, but won't be the only one in the bed naked!

Do you like jeans (or pants) tight on the butt or loose?? - I like 'em slightly loose! - not baggy like those young people.

Do you think Ricky Martin is just one album hit wonder or here to stay???? I used to think here to stay, but the more I see him the more I hope I am wrong!

Wine or Beer (ale) - Neither, I don't drink (I know you've heard it before) I drink a lot of water!

Cher or Bette Midler – I like both--don't want to see either of them naked!!

Can you whistle with your fingers in your mouth?? I can't but I am learning (see how tough my day is????) Hey I just learned to whistle and now I am light headed. vbg

What is your favorite type of movie? Mine is comedy, drama, sci-fi

Do you like sneakers, boots or shoes? I wrote mine in order of preference!

Shower or bath- I like a shower!

Favorite undies--- cotton or silk (if too personal pass)

Cotton (You see more traces I am a wild woman!)

Well that should keep you busy and out of trouble – see I am now finding things for you to think about so you won’t get bored!! vbg

Your friend JJ

Cory grinned when she read the mail, no matter what mood she was in; JJ had a habit of brightening even the worst of them. She wiped the tears from her eyes and moved the mouse over the second mail, she had no idea why JJ was mailing her for a second time in one day, the mail was quite recent, it had only been sent about thirty minutes ago. She pressed the open button:

Cory,

Okay you’re going to think I’m crazy but are you okay?? I just got this almighty feeling in my chest, kind of a crushing sensation and the need to talk to you. Don’t ask me why I felt like this I mean I was just sitting on the couch watching the play offs and my heart was pounding, my head aching and I felt sick. I also had this image of you, it wasn’t of the photo you’d sent – you weren’t wearing regular clothes. Anyway I’m worried about you.

Will check later to see if I have scared you away or if you want to hang out with me, like forever! I just feel a connection between us. Do you feel the same? Have I freaked you out?

Your crazy – needs to go visit the shrink - American friend, JJ

Part 8

Mail Jules

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