Chapter 13

Condensation misted the windows of Taryn’s bedroom. The blonde woke up feeling chilled. The blanket she had used for warmth had slipped to the floor, and her bones were crying out for relief. She glanced at her watch, it was past nine, and she had only woken up because she was in the direct glare of the morning sunlight. Her muscles ached after a whole night curled up on the couch, and the bruise on her cheek throbbed. After a quick search in the bureau, Taryn had found some old underwear and a clean sweatshirt that would suffice until she got back to the apartment. The shower was such soothing relief, and she spent a long time under the spray, enjoying the sensation of the hot water against her skin. Her thoughts began drifting in and out to the previous day’s activities and Jace’s memories and grief. After Jace had broken down, Taryn had just held the woman until she had cried herself to sleep. Unsure of what to do, Taryn had made Jace as comfortable as she could, and then had decided that it was best if she slept on the couch. She hadn’t expected to find Jace still sleeping, and therefore hadn’t been surprised to find her bedroom devoid of the older woman.

Taryn dressed quickly, hoping that she could still catch Jace before she left. She suspected that Jace would be experiencing some kind of embarrassment. She didn’t appear to be a person that cried very often, if at all. Taryn knew how she felt when the torment got too much and she sought relief. The day after she always wanted to hide and make the memories fade. Taryn rushed down the stairs expecting to find the whole Weston clan, and maybe Jace, still eating breakfast, but was dismayed to see just Jane in the kitchen.

Jane looked up from the newspaper she was reading. "Hello, sleepyhead. Old habits are hard to break. You were never an early riser."

"Good morning. Where is everyone?" Taryn went over to the coffee pot and poured a mug of the strong smelling beverage. A dose of caffeine was just what the doctor ordered.

"Bill took the kids with him. He’s gone over to his parent’s house. They’re going to take them out for the day, as Bill wanted us to have a day to ourselves. We hardly have any time for just the two of us, and he’s planned a date! Can you believe that? There are pancakes warming in the oven, but don’t steal them all, as Jace hasn’t eaten yet." Jane stated matter-of-factly, a glint of trouble in her eyes. She studied Taryn’s body and face looking for any answers to the questions she had running through her head.

Taryn looked over at her aunt, "Where is she?"

Jane had noted the slight concern in Taryn’s question. The tone of her voice had more of an edge to it; there was more than just simple curiosity in the question. "Out running." She stated, and then added, "She looked like crap this morning, and her mood left something to be desired."

"Oh. It must have been spending a night on such a small bed." Taryn finished putting a few pancakes on her plate, and covered the bundle with lashings of maple syrup. She sliced a banana and added the sections to the side of her plate. When she was satisfied she had everything, she took a seat opposite her aunt, and began to devour the food. She hadn’t eaten much the previous night, and her appetite was returning with a vengeance. After a few minutes, she could feel Jane’s stare burning a hole through her. "What? Are my table manners still poor? I thought I’d improved on those." She smiled, but the smile soon disappeared when she saw the frown on her aunt’s face. "I know the bruise looks bad. I’m hoping it fades by Monday." When Jane’s expression didn’t change, Taryn realized the condition of her face wasn’t the problem. "What is wrong with you?"

Jane looked away from Taryn, unsure how to begin the conversation, and not even certain she was on the right track. "I went to the bathroom in the night, and out of habit I checked on the kids. It was after three and can you imagine my surprise when I found Josie’s spare bed empty."

"Jace slept in my bed." Taryn answered matter-of-factly, not thinking anything more of the subject. She was about to fill her mouth with another forkful of pancakes, when Jane’s fist banged the table, and she dropped the fork in surprise.

This news was not a shock to Jane. After finding the bed empty, Jane had looked in the spare rooms, and had even wandered downstairs to see if her friend needed someone to talk to. When she couldn’t find the woman, she had drawn only one conclusion. "How can you be so blasé about the fact? No wonder she’s in such a bad mood." Jane’s protectiveness of Jace surfaced, and unwittingly she lashed out at Taryn. "She’s not used to one night stands, Taryn. She’s not one of your bar girls to use and abuse. Please don’t hurt her."

Taryn spewed remnants of food out of her mouth, and quickly swallowed a mouthful of coffee. The words coming out of Jane’s mouth shocked her to the core. "Stop!" She jumped up from her seat, a little insulted by the accusations and assumptions Jane had jumped to. "I said she slept in my bed. I did not say I had slept with her. Credit me with some sense, will you?" What hurt more than the accusation, was the knowledge her aunt had about her previous dalliances. As far as she was concerned that news could only have come from one source…Jace.

Jane shut her mouth when she saw the hurt in Taryn’s eyes. "I’m sorry. I just…put two and two together…"

"And came up with ten!" Taryn shot back. "For crying out loud, does anybody in this family have faith in me?"

"Calm down. I’m sorry…I get very sensitive when I think about people hurting Jace. I wasn’t thinking clearly."

"Thinking clearly about what?" Jace had heard the raised voices when she had come through the front door. She looked from aunt to niece. Her eyes staying on the cold, accusatory stare emanating from Taryn. "Why do I feel like I’ve missed something monumental? Remind me to hang around next time."

Taryn switched her glare from Jace back to her aunt. "You can explain. I’m sure Jace would love to hear this one."

Jane blushed. It had been hard enough questioning her niece about her sex life, let alone her best friend and boss. "I…err…I jumped to some conclusions."

"Jumped? Fucking leapt!" Taryn shot back.

Jace stood at the end of the table, switching her role from innocent bystander to leader. "Whoa. Calm down." She commanded. "Okay we’ll do this my way. I’ll ask the questions, you’ll do the answering."

Taryn pouted. She was pissed with both women for different reasons. Jane for believing she could do that to a friend and employer, and Jace because she obviously couldn’t be trusted. The ice-cool stare radiating from Jace was the only thing that prevented her from slamming out of the room.

When Jace was certain both women were going to listen, she asked her first question and directed it solely at Jane. "Okay, what conclusion did you jump to?"

Jane felt humiliated. She should have just kept quiet and waited for Jace to explain. All her years of counseling and at the first opportunity of divided loyalty, she had chosen sides, trying innocently to protect her naive friend. "I…accused Taryn of sleeping with you."

The truth deadpanned Jace for a second. "What?"

"That was my comment exactly!" Taryn retorted angrily.

"Cut the attitude." Jace turned her attention to Taryn. "I don’t see what your problem is. You know the truth, and I know the truth. Why didn’t you just tell her the truth?"

Taryn was too angry to reply, but Jane came to her defense. "She didn’t really get a chance…and I used some prior knowledge when I accused her that I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry, Taryn."

Jace was even more confused. "What prior knowledge?"

Taryn’s temper ignited once more. "You fucking know! You told her. I trusted you and you broke that trust." She saw Jane and Jace both look at each other, and didn’t wait around for any explanation. She grabbed her jacket and stormed out of the house.

The two older women stared at the chair that just a few moments before Taryn had been seated in. Jace couldn’t understand what had caused Taryn to accuse her. She had felt sure when she had risen that morning that a barrier had been crossed and she had gained Taryn’s complete trust. Her sharing the night before had been a first for Jace and she had wanted to do more of it. She looked at Jane. "What the hell just happened?"

"Me and my big mouth. I tell you… sometimes I think I only open my mouth to change feet when she’s around. I’m at a loss to why she blamed you."

"I should go and find her. Try and get her to talk to me."

"I wouldn’t bother. Let her calm down first. Maybe, she’ll come to her senses. That girl is just way too sensitive!" Jane was cross at her niece for yelling and swearing at Jace.

Jace pulled a chair out and sat at it. "That’s a little unfair, Jane. She’s been through so much, in such a short life. She is sensitive … and scared of being rejected by anyone. So, what did you say? How could you think I’d sleep with her so soon after she split with Marti? In fact, I’m nowhere near ready to make my feelings for her known. I don’t understand them myself."

Jane dropped her head into her hands, after a few moments she rubbed her face, blowing out a deep breath as she replayed the conversation with Taryn in her mind. "I checked on Josie early this morning and you weren’t in the spare bed. I went looking for you, but I couldn’t find you. I had a feeling you were with Taryn. The two of you were very different yesterday, especially after her sleep. I watched the pair of you and it was as if you had a secret conversation going on between you. You were very cagey last night before we went to bed. So I put two and two together. I didn’t want to assume anything, but I did. Then when Taryn admitted you’d slept in her bed, I just got way too protective of you."

Jace appreciated Jane’s honesty and friendship. "You were right about yesterday. Taryn and I did get closer, but not in a romantic manner. What happened to her yesterday, reminded me a little of my childhood. I felt if she knew about how I’d grown up and my reasons for leaving Greece, then maybe she’d be more open and get out whatever it is that haunts her."

"Did you talk to her?" Jane asked.

"Yes. I didn’t want you to feel left out, but I wanted it to be something special between Taryn and I. Show her that she could trust me, like I trust her."

Jane was a little hurt that Jace had told Taryn things that she didn’t know about her friend. She understood Jace’s logic, but her heart was jealous. "You can trust me, Jace." She admitted quietly.

Jace reached over and took Jane’s hands in her own. "I trust you with my life, Jane. I just wanted to get close to Taryn. She’s so important to me, and she doesn’t realize that. You saw how she reacted earlier. I’m still a stranger in her eyes. She wouldn’t have blamed me, if she really knew me. Whatever happens between Taryn and me, you will always be my special friend… my first real friend." She leaned over and gently kissed Jane’s hands.

Jane held Jace’s hand to her cheek. "I know. I guess no matter how old you get, when your friends find new friends or love interests you lose a little bit of them. I know you need someone to confide in like I have Bill. Someone you can really talk with and they’ll always be there for you. Did it help talking to Taryn?"

"Yes. I think for the first time I actually grieved for my mother. That’s how I ended up staying in her room. I cried myself to sleep. I haven’t done that since I came back from my last trip home. While I was out running, I realized I feel much better about myself. I have nothing to be ashamed about, and I should share my early life story with you..." She paused, pleased to see a slight smile appear on Jane’s face. "And I will, but I need to know what else was said this morning that made Taryn feel like I’d betrayed her."

Jane re-enacted the exact conversation, and watched Jace’s facial expressions as she came to the end, and noting that Jace had become even more serious. "Any ideas?"

Jace nodded solemnly, "I think so. I’m not surprised she was mad at you, Jane. You were a little harsh. You basically accused Taryn of being a womanizer and user."

Jane hung her head in shame. "I know. I just wanted your first time to be so special, and I know about my niece’s past record with women. I didn’t want you to be used by Taryn, while she recovers from her break up with Marti, or tries to block out what happened with Patrick. When Penny was ill, she really lost control of her ability to deal with issues. Her solution to the problems in her life was to have a different woman every other day, or so Penny said in her letters. I hadn’t mentioned it before as it wasn’t my business."

The answer to the question was in Jane’s statement. "I know about her past. She told me on Saturday when we had our little sexual experience chat. I know why she’s mad at me…she thinks I told you. How did Penny know?"

Jane got up from her seat and walked over to the coffee machine, mentally berating herself for her slip in confidentiality. She poured herself a second cup of coffee, opened the oven, and took the pancakes off the warming plate. She placed the plate of pancakes in front of Jace, and continued with the story. "Taryn and Penny had a very open relationship. They were very much friends, as well as mother and daughter. I think Penny tried to be so many things for Taryn to make up for Patrick. When she got ill and they moved to Ireland, Penny would write or call me. Taryn was a little hostile toward the family because of Bill’s prejudice, and didn’t want to talk to me. But, Penny informed me about what she got up to. She was concerned that Taryn was treating women with the same disrespect that Patrick treated her."

Jace raised an eyebrow, "She really had a lot of women, huh?"

Jane reluctantly nodded. "Remember, I only heard it from Penny, but the morning after any encounter, Penny would usually get a short debriefing from Taryn. Penny was worried that Taryn would become worse after she died, and she didn’t want her daughter to become as cold and bitter as her father. Luckily, it looks like Taryn pulled herself out of that zone."

Jace nodded. Her mind was reviewing what she knew about Taryn. She was feeling more hurt by Taryn’s explosive behavior than angry. Part of her wanted to chase after Taryn and explain, but the other more logical side of her told her to wait for Taryn to apologize. Jace sighed audibly. When did life get so difficult? She mused internally.

Jane heard the front door shutting. She looked hopefully at Jace, but saw the woman’s face drop even further.

"Good morning, Bill." Jace smiled briefly, and then stood to leave. "Look, I’m going to leave you guys to your day. I’m sorry about the pancakes, Jane…I’ve lost my appetite. I’ll see you on Monday."

Jane got up and followed her friend into the hallway. "You don’t have to leave, Jace."

"No. I need to go home and clear my head. I think I’ve bitten off more than I can chew with Taryn. I thought I could be her friend, but who was I trying to kid. I’m just going to concentrate on being a good supervisor."

Jane could see how hurt Jace was from Taryn’s outburst. She wished she’d never mentioned Jace’s disappearance the night before. She desperately wanted to fix things between the two women she loved. She was still angry at Taryn’s explosion of anger, but knew she had to explain things to Taryn before the blonde would realize her mistake. "So, you’re not going to visit her?"

Jace shook her head. "I thought about it…but I wouldn’t know where to start. She accused me and disappeared before she’d even checked out the facts. I don’t think I could handle being with someone like that. Maybe, it’s for best that I found out now before I got in too deep." You already are in way too deep! Admit it, who’s running away now? Her conscience spoke up. Jace shook the thoughts away, and kissed Jane goodbye.

**

Taryn slammed her keys on the coffee table. She blew on her frozen fingers, trying to get some circulation back into the unmoving appendages. She had walked around Jane’s neighborhood for a long time. Churning the bizarre turn of events over in her mind, trying to work out why she had reacted so defensively. After the cold, brisk wind had chilled her to the bone, Taryn had called the apartment to check that her roommates were gone, and then called a cab. Taryn could see the blinking light of the answering machine, but chose to ignore it. She was too angry with herself about losing control and livid at her aunt’s accusations. When will my past stop haunting me? Taryn’s inner mind screamed. When you deal with it and let it go, came back the subconscious answer.

She made her way to the bathroom, stripped off her clothes, and examined the bruise on her cheek. She grabbed an ice gel pack from the medicine cabinet and applied the small strip to her face. It stuck instantaneously and Taryn smiled. The wonders of modern inventions, she mused. Her head was beginning to ache. She looked in the cupboard and found some mild painkillers. After swallowing two, she stumbled into her bedroom and dropped onto the bed, welcoming the numbing pain in both her cheek and head.

The sleep had helped to sooth her aches and pains, and had given her mind time to deal with her feelings. She had woken up feeling less bitter and more willing to review the morning’s events. After making a cup of tea, Taryn pressed the answering machine. "Taryn, I’m sorry…I was way out of line this morning. But so were you…Jace never told me anything. What I know I learned from your mother. Call me when you get this…if you’re still mad at me, then at least call Jace and apologize…she’s really hurt. I love you…why are we always apologizing to each other? Call me."

Taryn dropped her head into her hands and rubbed her temples. She checked the clock on the video recorder, and made a decision. Picking up the phone, she shook her head as she tried to remember the number. She rapped her fingers on the coffee table as she waited for the phone line to connect. Her heart fluttered nervously when she heard the distinct accent of Jace, and then calmed when she realized it was the machine. "Jace…it’s Taryn. Err…look I was way out if line this morning…I’m sorry. It’s just past one…and I was hoping you’d be around. I…was wondering if you’d like to maybe get some dinner or see a movie. I’ll understand if you don’t… I was a real jerk. I’ll be home all day." Taryn pressed the disconnect button and prayed that Jace would be more forgiving than she was.

Jace listened to Taryn’s message. Her hand was only inches from the telephone. She had been so tempted to answer the phone when she had seen JJ’s name and number appear on the caller ID, but her feelings had been hurt, and her trust questioned. Jace had given so little of herself to others, and her one and only conscious choice to get closer to someone had been rebuffed. As much as Jace wanted to return Taryn’s call and accept the offer of an evening out, she couldn’t. Taryn had too many demons chasing her, and Jace couldn’t help someone that wasn’t ready for that help. She erased the message and settled down to forget her troubles in a book, knowing that she was probably ruining any chance she ever had with Taryn.

**

Taryn drummed her fingers on her desk. After hearing Jane’s message, Taryn had called her aunt back and the two women had called a truce and agreed to forget the fateful conversation. Unfortunately, her attempts to make peace with Jace hadn’t been as easy. The taller woman had retreated back to just formal conversation. The closeness they had developed was gone, and Jace treated Taryn very much as she had those first few weeks. Taryn knew she had no one to blame but herself; she had lost her cool and ruined everything. Jace had never returned her call and the week afterward had been very tense at work. Any attempt Taryn had made to get time alone with Jace had been thwarted. When Taryn had managed to talk, Jace had just listened to Taryn’s apologies, smiled, and said things were okay between them. But Taryn knew they weren’t. The woman she had spent holding that long night was gone, and in her place was a stranger. They rarely laughed like they used to, or talked longer than necessary. Jane had refused to get involved, not wanting her loyalties to be divided as they had before.

Taryn reread her email from Jace. Her supervisor had taken to sending her requests through email, rather than talking to Taryn face-to-face. She looked at the list of directives, and mentally checked off the jobs she had already done. She knew Jace was in her office, and couldn’t understand why she hadn’t just dropped in and asked her to do the jobs, like she had so many times before. On impulse, and through frustration, Taryn hit the reply button.

From: T1murphy@waterford.edu

To: Jxanthos@waterford.edu

Subject: Re: needs your attention

Jace,

I’ve completed the first three jobs in the list. Below is a summary of what has been done and what needs to be done with the remaining ones:

1. I’ve completed the attendance list for the semester and tallied the percentage of attendance time in class. I forwarded the attendance chart to the professors that are linked into the support sessions. Cory and I decided to have this week as the final week, as finals are next week and some students asked if they could spend time reviewing for priority exams. We assigned them all a tutorial session.

2. The probation students have all had an advising session booked in for next week. We have tracked down everybody and they all replied to the assigned times. We have written a protocol for the advisors, and a step-by-step guide for those students who become academically separated over the vacation.

3. The students were given the group surveys this morning. Cory and I will be analyzing the results next week in place of the group sessions. I know you’re pressed for time, but I promise to get the results on your desk by Tuesday at the latest.

I hope this is okay.

On a personal note, I wish things could go back to the way they were. I miss your friendship, and know I screwed up. You keep saying things are fine between us, but they’re not. How can I make things better?

Taryn

She pressed the send button and returned to the pile of surveys the students had filled out. She opened up the SPSS statistical program, opened a new data sheet and began to enter the variables into the spreadsheet. After a few minutes, she saw the flashing email icon and clicked on it.

From: Jxanthos@waterford.edu

To: T1murphy@waterford.edu

Subject: Re: needs your attention

Taryn,

Thank you for the updated attendance list. It will come in handy when the students who are separated come in for appeal. The survey data I will need by Wednesday. College will be closed the week of Christmas and I need to prove we did impact the students’ lives or they won’t fund the groups for next semester. I’m very certain the data will support what Cory and you observed. I have also heard very favorable reports from the professors, and on grade predictions many probation students will hopefully be back to good standing. I’m predicting that ‘at-risk’ freshmen retention will be at least 75%, which will be great if it turns out that way.

I am fine and we are fine. On a professional level I feel we are still committed to doing the best for our students. I value the input Cory and you have given the Center this semester and look forward to the same professionalism next semester. On the personal note, words were said, and unfortunately, those words cannot be taken back. I gave you my trust and you returned it to me. I find it hard to deal with someone on a personal level who does not trust me. Let’s leave it at that.

Jace

How fucking arrogant! Taryn banged her desk and threw the SPSS manual across the room. Calm down. Breath. Remember what they said in the Anger Management class, she lectured herself. Taryn was anxious to be back in Jace’s good graces. She got up and grabbed her coat. She needed a cup of coffee desperately. If Jace needed the numbers crunched by Wednesday, then Taryn was determined to work overtime, even if it was Friday. As she passed Jace’s office, she heard the clicking of nails on the keyboard. Taryn stopped and looked at the wooden door. Jace rarely closed her door, unless she was deep in work and did not want to be disturbed. Taryn debated whether to knock, but finally decided to just get the coffee.

Jace hammered her frustrations out on the keyboard. Taryn’s persistence was remarkable, but annoying. She had spent the few weeks after the argument trying to get the blonde grad student out of her head. On Mondays, when Taryn was around the office more, Jace had taken to spending those days up at the main administrative office. She was able to focus more. Her work had not suffered through this ordeal; in fact, she had managed to immerse herself into projects she had been avoiding. But she did miss Taryn and it her hurt to see the blonde’s melancholy face around the office. She hadn’t meant to be so harsh on Taryn, but after the incident she had done some research on emotional problems and had found out some interesting information about anger transference. Taryn’s way of dealing with problems was not healthy and Jace knew if Taryn was to have any chance of being a productive leader, the younger woman needed to confront how she dealt with issues, and learn some new strategies. Jace had done some further investigation and discovered local workshops and support meetings for people who wanted help. Jace had discussed her concerns with Jane, when her friend had asked her to reconsider how she was treating Taryn. Jane had offered to try and get Taryn to look at how she managed her anger, and talk things over with Taryn. Jace had been surprised, but pleased to hear that Taryn had attended an Anger Management meeting with Jane.

She pulled up the email Taryn had sent her earlier. The plea at the bottom had ripped Jace’s heart in two. She desperately wanted Taryn’s friendship and so much more, but her feelings were still hurt. No matter how much Jane reasoned with her, and even after she had told Jane about her own demons, she couldn’t offer friendship to the blonde because if Taryn rejected her again it would do more than hurt her. Her email back had been curt, but polite. She had half expected Taryn to burst through the door, or send an acerbic comment back. She checked her watch and noticed that it was way past quitting time for her grad assistant. Unfortunately, Jace had a few more hours of data to enter. The end of semester was a critical time in the Center. She had to build databases and present data to prove to the President that their retention rates were rising, and the support services were improving. She looked up when she heard the quiet, short knock on the door.

"Come in." Jace was temporarily surprised to see the woman of her thoughts standing in her doorway, two polystyrene cups in her hand, and a bag of donuts.

Be brave! Ask her for help. Keep it professional, the blonde mentored her nervous stomach. Taryn smiled meekly at Jace. She had thought of many plans to get back on Jace’s good side, but couldn’t think of anything except trying to show Jace she had changed. The database software was new to her, and she had no idea how to configure the variables to accept the data. She had decided to suck it up and ask Jace for help, and a little bribery never hurt. "Am I disturbing you?"

Jace continued to stare at the blonde. "A little. I’m surprised you’re still here. What can I do for you?"

Ouch! She really is a cold bitch when she wants to be. "I actually need some help with the SPSS program. It’s very different from Excel."

Jace frowned. She didn’t want to be around Taryn, just seeing the woman caused her skin to tingle and her heart to flutter. "I gave Cory the manual. Didn’t she pass it on to you?"

Taryn blew out a frustrated breath, but controlled her aggravation. "I’ve looked at it, but I’m not sure what analysis should be done. There are so many choices, and data handling isn’t my strong point. I just need five minutes of your time, please? I brought your favorite donut…a Boston Kreme with sprinkles." Taryn held up the bag and the coffee.

Jace couldn’t suppress the smile that curled her lips. Taryn knew her weaknesses, and didn’t seem to mind exploiting them. What harm can five minutes do? "Okay, you’ve got five minutes, and then I need to get back to these projections. Leave the donut and go fetch the data. My office is bigger, we’ll work here."

Taryn raced back to her office and returned in record time, fearing that if she dallied Jace would change her mind. Taryn looked at the already empty donut bag. Well, it got me in the office; let’s see how long I can stay. She sipped her coffee and watched as Jace scanned the surveys. The raven curls of hair fell over her shoulder, and Taryn wanted desperately to run her fingers through the tresses. The time away from Jace had made her realize just how important the tall woman was to her. The seven months of offered friendship had provided Taryn with a stability she hadn’t even known she needed, but had missed tremendously since her tantrum. Jace’s nimble fingers stroked the keyboard as she entered in the additional missing data. Taryn felt a longing in her soul. No matter what it took, she was going to win back Jace’s trust and companionship.

Jace could feel the intense stare radiating from Taryn. She was enjoying being near Taryn, and was pleased that Taryn hadn’t pushed the friendship topic. She finished entering in the strands of variables, and then merged the pre-test data that they had collected in the College Inventory survey with the post-test Center survey. "Okay, here are your pre-test variables." She pointed to the first few columns. "Each question makes a variable. It’s easier to analyze if you put each question in, and not try to categorize them."

Taryn moved closer. "That makes sense."

"We’re going to do a correlation analysis because we have different questions in the pre and post tests. So, we have to take out the students that didn’t complete both tests."

Taryn subtly moved even closer. She could feel Jace’s arm against hers and the familiarity made her feel secure. She wanted to feel those arms around her, like she had so many times before. She had taken her friendship with Jace for granted. She was finding it difficult to concentrate, but knew she needed to follow what Jace was doing in order to complete the other studies in the same manner. She shook her head slightly and focused on Jace’s directions. "I didn’t think about that. Why do you do that?"

Jace shook her head. "Haven’t you done your major research or thesis study? I had to do so many research classes in my master’s degree; I was seeing statistics in my dreams." She laughed as she remembered the nights she had lain awake trying to figure out what tests went with what research designs. "One professor made us memorize all the statistical equations. He would quiz us every class."

For the first time since she’d entered the room, Taryn felt like she was being treated as an equal. Jace’s trip down memory lane gave her a glimpse of the fun-loving Jace she had come to know and love. "I have to take research methods next semester. We had a choice between doing a research thesis or comprehensive exams. I opted for the comprehensive exams. If I’d known you were such a whiz at statistics I would have opted for the research. So, why do you take out the students who didn’t complete both?"

Jace moved slightly away from her grad assistant. Taryn’s scent was overwhelming. She now knew what a drug addict felt like when they had been starved of their drugs. Her legs began to tremble and her firm resolve began to crumble. She looked at Taryn and saw complete trust in the young woman’s eyes. The walls she had rebuilt came tumbling down and for the first time in weeks she smiled openly at Taryn. "You’re an eager student. Are you this earnest in class?"

Taryn blushed. She’d been found out. She batted her eyelashes and returned Jace’s smile. "It depends on who the teacher is. I am interested though. I don’t want to blow the reports next week. I know the meeting is an important one for the Center."

Jace nodded. "It is, but not as important as the one post Christmas. The students’ grades will be in then and we can really see how well we did."

"Why don’t they wait and have just one meeting after Christmas? Why the meeting next week?"

"Good question. Mainly we have to decide whether we’re going to do the same programs next semester. If we decide to continue, then we only have the week after Christmas to put first semester probation students and spring freshmen students into the sections. Unless you feel like coming in the week of Christmas to plow through the data?"

Taryn shook her head. "Not on your life." She winked at Jace, "but I’m guessing you will be."

Jace sobered up. She had been trying to ignore the fact that Christmas was only ten days away. Her eyes returned to the spreadsheet. How easily you get sidetracked when she’s around. "You take the students out because a correlation study looks at what each student thought pre-college, and what they thought post-treatment. It compares the answers, thus they need to have both sets of data."

"Gotcha. So what’s next?"

Jace smiled in response. The interplay between them was so natural. "Now, we let the program do the hard work." She systematically went through the analysis steps and waited patiently as Taryn took notes. When she pressed the enter button, Taryn leaned closer to the computer to see the results. This time Jace didn’t move away. She couldn’t deny her body what it yearned for, even if it was only momentarily. She would soak up the sensations and analyze the feelings later. "Okay, here’s the table of results. It yields pages of statistics, but what you’re looking for is the significance of the correlations. Let me print them out and then we can go through them."

"Are you sure? You said you were busy earlier." Taryn didn’t want to push her luck.

Jace glanced at the clock. "No we have a little more time. I didn’t plan on leaving early, and I can always come in tomorrow." She picked up her coffee while she waited for the printer to warm up. "Thank you for the donut. I skipped lunch…and it’ll keep me going until I can grab some dinner."

Taryn bit her lip to prevent her from asking Jace out to dinner. Things were going well between them and Taryn didn’t want to blow their tentative truce. "I’ll go and grab the printing."

Jace watched as Taryn left the room, and then blew out a sigh of relief. She knew she had been a fool to even try and keep her distance. If she could keep their interactions on this level for the rest of the academic year then things would be okay. She didn’t need to complicate matters and tease her body with thoughts of more than friendship.

"Forty-five pages! There are forty-five freakin’ pages!" Taryn repeated as she carried the sheets back into the office.

Jace laughed at the incredulous look on Taryn’s face. "Calm down. It looks like a lot, but it isn’t. Each question from the tests shows a relationship with another question, hence the mass of data. What we’re looking for are the significant correlations. The program highlights those with an asterisk. The data that has the best significance has two asterisks, and the other has one. So all you have to do is go through and make a note of those. Then we look to see what these significances mean." She looked up to see whether Taryn had understood what she had said, and smirked when she saw how cute Taryn looked when she was confused.

Taryn grinned sheepishly, "Okay, now if you could just repeat that in English I’ll leave your office and get to it!"

Jace patted Taryn’s hand, the first physical contact she had initiated since Thanksgiving. "I’ll show you." She scanned the first page of the report and put her finger by the asterisks. "Okay, here we have two asterisks. This means that the correlation between the two variables was significant. So we have to understand what it means. It’s a positive correlation so that means both answer were in the same direction. The College Inventory predicted that the student would have academic difficulty at college, and on the survey the student answered that the group had helped immensely with the understanding of class work."

"Oh, now I see it. I can do that. I’m sure with Cory’s input on Monday we’ll have the report written by Tuesday. Thanks, Jace."

Jace nodded her head. "I’m sure you will. I have complete confidence in you and Cory. There’s no need to thank me, I should have given you more of a hands-on training session. That was my bad! I should have checked first."

Taryn took the data sheets out of Jace’s hands, her fingers brushing lightly against Jace’s fingers. The contact sent shivers up her arm and her eyes connected with a bright, cobalt stare. Despite her better judgment, Taryn uttered the words that fell unchecked from her mouth. "Can we talk?"

Jace closed her eyes to block out the pleading look and shook her head. "There’s nothing more to say. I told you my reasons." She opened her eyes, unprepared for the tears that tracked down Taryn’s cheeks.

"Please?"

Unable to resist Taryn’s request, Jace nodded and settled behind her desk, needing a physical barrier between herself and Taryn. "Okay."

Taryn wiped away the silent tears, which had come all too easily. "I know I was wrong. I wish I could take back my comment. I’ve…been so used to having my mother, aunt…even lovers take my insults or accusations without remorse. None of them ever shut me out or said anything; they always forgave me…until now. You were right…and I should have trusted you more. Jane says I have to learn to deal with things rather than run. If I’d stayed around and heard Jane out without reacting, or listened to your explanation then maybe I wouldn’t be in this situation. I know I’ve apologized a thousand times…is there anything I can do…I miss you."

Jace relaxed back against her leather seat. The pain in Taryn’s eyes cut right to her heart. She knew she had the power to erase the hurt, but could she trust the woman not to hurt her wounded pride again. One look at the sorrowful eyes answered her question and the final barrier dissolved. "It wasn’t all you, Taryn. I had given you something I don’t often give away…my friendship, with that comes my trust. I felt rejected when you thought I had broken your confidence. I thought you knew me better."

Taryn stood in front of Jace thoroughly ashamed. She felt like a small child being reprimanded by the principal. "I know you have integrity, Jace. I knew it then. I didn’t think…I was embarrassed about my past. I know I have to deal with my anger differently; Jane pointed that one out to me. We even…we even went to a group seminar on it. I don’t want to be like him…I can’t be like him."

Jace stood up and walked around the desk. She leaned against the edge and opened her arms. "Come here!" she implored, thankful when Taryn closed the distance and wrapped her arms around the blonde. She buried her head in Taryn’s neck and breathed in the mixture of perfume and skin, her lips very lightly skimming the surface and her arms tightening the embrace. "I missed you, too." She whispered, as she dropped her forehead to rest on Taryn’s shoulder. After a few moments, she looked up and met brown questioning eyes. She wanted to take their relationship further. She desperately wanted to taste Taryn’s lips, but she couldn’t. Taryn’s reactions were that of friendship, and nothing more. She smiled gently, and cocked her head to the side, just happy to see Taryn’s twinkling bright eyes. "Jane will be happy we’re talking again. She was worried about Christmas dinner." She felt the body in her arms tense, and looked back at Taryn’s face. "What’s wrong?"

Taryn shrugged, and took a small step back, uncomfortable with the feelings that were running through her body. New feelings… feelings she hadn’t experienced around Jace before. "I’m not going to be at Jane’s for Christmas…I can’t go through what happened at Thanksgiving. Patrick’s going to be there."

"Oh." Jace said, a little disappointment running through her. "It’s kind of ironic really. I’ve spent the last few weeks worrying how I was going to deal with you being there at Christmas and now that I’m looking forward to it, you’re not going to be there." She was surprised at how easy it was to admit these feelings to Taryn. "Where will you be?"

Taryn shrugged for a second time. "I don’t know. I wanted to give JJ and Cory some room. It’s their first Christmas together. I heard them talking the other day and I know they wanted it to just be the two of them. I’ve decided to move out for the week and give them some space. They’ve been so supportive, but their relationship is still new and I don’t want them to look back and regret that they couldn’t celebrate it their own way."

Jace rubbed her hands down Taryn’s sides, and squeezed the young woman gently. She knew one of them should move away and the desk prevented her from doing that. When Taryn made no attempt to move, Jace took that as a silent request for support. "Where will you go?"

"I was thinking Florida. I could stay with my grandparents at their complex. I would be back for work." Taryn sighed and released her hold on Jace. Only five minutes into their renewed friendship and she was burdening Jace with her problems. "At least it’ll be warmer than here." She added trying to make light of the whole conversation.

"True." Jace replied, "But lonely. Do you really want to spend Christmas with pensioners? I’ve seen where your grandparents live, and as nice as they are, it would drive you nuts after a while."

Taryn nodded in agreement. "I know. But I don’t have any other choice. Marti offered, but I don’t want to give her any thoughts of reconciliation. Where else can I go?"

Jace was surprised at Taryn’s mention of her ex-lover’s name. "Are you two getting on well?"

Taryn nodded. "Better than we were. We’re making the stereotypical comments of lesbian relationships look true with my ex-lover becoming a good friend. We’ve hung out a few times and she calls me occasionally."

Jace felt some irrational jealousy shoot through her body. "I didn’t realize."

Taryn eyebrows knitted together and she frowned at Jace. "Why would you? We’ve barely been communicating the past few weeks."

The taller woman looked at Taryn and felt a knot of guilt being added to the other emotions she so rarely encountered. "Look, it’s getting late…neither of us is going to get any work done. Would you…err…how would you feel about maybe…grabbing some dinner and …err…maybe a film." Jace stammered.

Taryn giggled at Jace. "Wow, you must be a hit with the ladies if that’s your usual way of asking them out…" She stopped what she was saying when she saw the wounded look in Jace’s eyes. "Dinner sounds great and I hear Harry Potter is an awesome movie. Let me go and shut down my computer, and I’ll meet you out back in five minutes."

Jace recovered from Taryn’s innocent comment. She knew the blonde had no idea how close to the truth she had come. "I’m looking forward to it." She said, and for the first time in weeks, she really was looking forward to an evening out.

Chapter 14

Jace let Taryn lead her out of the cinema. The massive crowd surging in the opposite direction prevented their speedy escape. She looked around and saw the movie workers trying to make orderly lines. Many patrons were ignoring their cries of protest, and just kept heaving toward the concession stands. Once they were outside, Jace took a lungful of the crisp, evening air. "Wow, I don’t think I’ve seen the movie theater that packed since Star Wars was released!"

Taryn smirked at the comment. "Please don’t tell me that was the last time you went to the movies."

Jace shook her head. "No, Jane and I used to come here quite a lot before Tom was born. It’s just so busy in there, which is surprising as they have twenty screens. What did you think of the film?"

"Awesome! I’ve been reading the books. Cory has the English and the American versions. I think I got a lot of the inside jokes, living with a Brit definitely enlightens you to the difference in the languages!"

Jace nodded in agreement. "There were times in there, when I had to smile. I could just picture Cory saying similar expletives in the Center. She’s definitely a character."

Taryn pulled her coat tighter to her body, and fiddled with the toggles by her neck, hoping to prevent the winter wind from invading her little cocoon. "The reviews of The Lord of the Rings look awesome. I really want to see it, but I don’t fancy fighting my way through the crowds. Maybe, I’ll go next week when everyone else is eating Christmas dinner!"

Jace looked to her left. They had begun to wander back toward the parking lot. She didn’t like the idea of Taryn spending Christmas so far from home. But what could she do about it?

Taryn was very aware of the pensive air surrounding Jace. She decided to keep quiet, not wanting to ruin the tentative truce between them. The evening had been a success in Taryn’s eyes. The meal at the little Thai restaurant near college had been fun. Taryn had kept the conversation centered on work and classes, not wanting to scare Jace off by discussing what had really happened between them. During the movie, Taryn had been very conscious of Jace sitting beside her. The occasional touch of hands and arms through the movie as they vied for the popcorn had been comforting. Taryn really didn’t want the evening to end. She didn’t want to go back to the mundane ‘hellos’ that had been their only conversation over the past few weeks. When they reached the Jeep, Taryn turned to Jace. "Thanks for this. I had fun…maybe we could do this again?"

Jace looked down into the unsure eyes of her coworker. "Sure. I was thinking that …maybe I could keep you company if you decide to make the trip Christmas Day?" She had been trying to think of a solution to Taryn’s problem. She knew that Taryn didn’t want to go down south for Christmas. Besides that, it wasn’t fair to kids if they didn’t see their cousin at such an important time of year: a time when families were supposed to be together.

Taryn’s eyebrows furrowed together. "Pardon?"

Jace swallowed the nervous lump in her throat. She hoped she was doing the right thing. It felt like the right thing, but after their tentative evening out, she didn’t want to jump the gun. "If you could stay closer to home this Christmas, would you?"

Taryn leaned against Jace’s Jeep, wondering where Jace was going with the conversation. "Sure, but I’ve run out of ideas. Besides, a hotel is way out of my budget."

"You could stay with me." Jace said shyly.

Taryn was stunned into silence. She hadn’t even considered asking Jace. But after all she’d done, the tall woman was still offering to help her. "I couldn’t put you out. Thanks for asking though."

Jace was a little disappointed at the answer, but nonetheless she had been expecting it. She put her arm out to stop Taryn from walking away. She knew the young woman had a lot of pride, and knew she was going to have to twist the story a little. "You wouldn’t be putting me out. It would solve everyone’s problem. You get to stay near home, Jane and the kids can see you Christmas Day, and …I wouldn’t be lonely over the vacation. I mean…if you didn’t mind my company. It could be good for us. We could rebuild our friendship."

Taryn listened carefully to the reasons Jace gave. She could tell by the grave expression on the tall woman’s face that the offer was serious. She was very tempted. It would be good to see the kids open their presents on Christmas Day. Her mind replayed the last sentence. No matter where she stayed she wouldn’t be able to do that. She vowed not to go to the house if there was a chance Patrick would be home. "Thanks, Jace, but I might as well go to Florida, I won’t be with you guys on Christmas. I already ruined Thanksgiving, and I don’t want to be the reason the kids have a lousy Christmas."

Jace’s mind raced for ways around the situation. She could tell Taryn was tempted. "If I can guarantee you’ll see the kids at Christmas, will you come to mine?" You’re practically begging, Jace. Back off! She’s said no twice. How many more times does she have to say it?

Taryn reviewed her options. At least she could still visit her roommates, and she could try and work out a deal with Jane. She had nothing to lose, and when she looked into the downcast eyes of her supervisor, she knew she had everything to gain. "Okay. Thanks, Jace. I was thinking of moving out Sunday evening or Christmas Eve morning. Is that okay?"

Jace was a little shocked. Overjoyed, but shocked nonetheless. She hadn’t expected Taryn to change her mind. She looked down at the woman who was soon to be her housemate. Oh my God! What have I done? She had no idea how she was going to cope with having the woman she had tried so hard to push out of her mind, in her house. "No problem. Can you do Sunday evening? I’ll talk to Jane. Maybe she’ll do Christmas at my place. Sunday will give you ample time to get settled, and I may have to decorate my house!"

Taryn smiled at the now flustered woman. Tentatively, she moved toward Jace and engulfed the woman in a huge hug. "Thank you, Jace! I think you’re my Christmas angel. My mother always said she’d send an angel to look after me."

Jace held the shorter woman to her. She breathed in the cool air mingled with Taryn’s fragrance. She had been a fool to think this woman wasn’t important to her. "You’re welcome. Maybe both our moms are looking down on us."

**

The Center was humming with students. The week of finals always brought last minute panic to the Center staff. As she surveyed the students busily hammering away on the computers, Jace could see beyond them to two huddled blonde heads tucked away in the quiet room in the corner. She smiled slightly as she caught Taryn’s eye, and the grad assistant waved. She waved back and then headed towards her office. She had been tempted to go and talk to Taryn, just to check to see if they were still on for the weekend, but she knew she was acting childish. Taryn would have told her if she’d changed her mind. As she passed the photocopier, she heard the distinctive humming of her colleague. She poked her head into the little side room. "Good morning. How was your weekend?"

Jane looked up and smiled a greeting back at Jace. "Pretty good. The kids enjoyed the trip to New Hampshire. There wasn’t much snow, but we managed to do a little sight seeing. We missed you, though. Did you manage to get all your work done?"

Jace leaned her tall frame against the doorjamb. "A little, not as much as I wanted. I got kind of sidetracked."

"Sidetracked, huh? You’re looking pretty smug. Do I conclude from that statement, and the huge blush on your face, that you got yourself a date this weekend?" Jane collected her photocopying and walked with Jace to her office.

Jace beamed at her friend. "Not so much a date…more like a housemate." She could tell from Jane’s inquisitive nature that Taryn hadn’t told her aunt anything about their Friday night rendezvous. She was grateful in a way because she had things she needed to discuss with Jane, and had wanted to be the one to plant ideas in Jane’s head.

"What? You hate living with others. You told me! Who is it? It can’t be a family member, you told me weeks ago that you don’t speak to them. Is it a friend?"

Jace laughed aloud. "You are too funny. Do you always answer your own questions? Yes, it is a friend, and no I didn’t have a date this weekend. Although, I did go out on Friday night with a stunning woman."

Jane dropped into Jace’s spare seat and stared at her boss. The woman was a complete enigma. One week she was sullen and avoided any direct conversation. The next, she was sweetness and light…and looking very much like a woman in love. "You went out with a woman? God, I leave you alone for one weekend and you get into mischief. Tell me the details. All of them!"

Jace decided to just yank Jane’s chain just a little more, before spilling the beans. "Don’t you have any work that needs to be done?" She picked up a file she had been working with on Saturday, and began to peruse the contents.

"Jace, tell me or no lamb next week. We’ll have chicken Christmas Day instead!" Jane looked menacingly at Jace. "I can play tough when I have to."

Jace contemplated the options, and decided her roast lamb was of paramount importance. "Okay, here’s the deal. I helped this cute chick out of a dilemma Friday evening. She invited me out for a meal and a movie. It was great fun, so I asked her to move in with me."

Jane’s jaw dropped open. "Whoa! So soon? You’ve been reading way too much lesbian literature. The U-Haul is supposed to come the next date, not the first. Oh my God! What’s she like? Do you even know her full name? She could be after your money!"

The tall director burst into laughter when she heard the last sentence. She had been genuinely touched by Jane’s protective nature, and as much as she would have liked to tease Jane more, she knew she shouldn’t. "Jane, what money? You know how much I earn! I am not an heiress to a secret fortune, nor have I ever won more than ten dollars on the lottery. The girl is not after my money…she’s not even after my heart, although I would be in seventh heaven if she were. The girl just needs a home for a week, and I offered."

Jane listened carefully, trying to piece the information together. "When did you meet this woman? Do I know her?"

Jace smiled and decided she’d teased Jane enough. "Oh, I’d say about seven months ago…give or take a few days. I’d also say you know her extremely well, as she’s your niece!" She saw Jane’s mouth open again, and decided to just tell Jane exactly what happened. "Jane, I’ve moped around this office for weeks. You and Taryn were right; I can’t let one incident control how I react to people. We all make mistakes. On Friday, after you left, Taryn came by and asked me for some help on the statistical analysis. I have to admit I was reluctant at first, but she was very persistent. Being in the same room with her made me realize how stupid I’ve been. We got on well, and she asked me out for dinner, and then we saw Harry Potter."

Jane listened, extremely pleased to hear that the two women had sorted themselves out. "We took the kids to see that this weekend. Luckily, Tom fell asleep after a while and we got to watch it in peace and quiet. Awesome movie. So how did this lead to Taryn staying with you?"

Jace leaned back in her chair and made a steeple shape with her hands. She then proceeded to tap her fingers together as she tried to remember who brought up the subject. "Taryn had already mentioned her housing problem over the Christmas vacation. We’re closed next week and I think JJ took the week off, too. Taryn wanted to give her roommates some alone time. I think it’s very considerate of her, but she can’t stay with you because of Patrick. It’s not fair to you, Bill or the kids; if Thanksgiving is anything to go by, it certainly wouldn’t be relaxing or a time of peace. She was going to go to your parents, but would you want to spend Christmas in an old people’s complex?" Jace looked down at her hands and decided to admit the whole truth. "I didn’t want Taryn to be away, either. Even though I have distanced myself…it doesn’t mean I don’t care, I do, probably more so than ever. The solution was to offer her a bed at my house."

Jane beamed at Jace. "You are probably the sweetest woman I know! I promise not to tell any of those academically dismissed students, who come quivering to your door at appeal time, that you’re a little pussycat. I’m assuming she agreed."

Jace’s brow furrowed. "Yes, she agreed. What am I going to do?"

Jane saw the fear in Jace’s eyes, and noted the frown on her boss’ face. "About what?"

"Living with her. Jane, I’m obsessed with her. Just looking at her makes me dizzy. When she’s near, I have this insane desire to touch her. Any kind of contact will do. On Friday, I ate so much popcorn I thought I was going to burst! And I don’t even like the salted kind. All because she had the box and it was an excuse to reach over and touch her. I didn’t think about it when I made the offer, I acted irrationally."

Jane leaned forward, and stretched out her arm to Jace. "You acted compassionately and with your heart. Logic doesn’t always play a role in our decisions, Jace. You’ll be fine. You two are great together. Just be you…plus you said it yourself, she doesn’t have a clue how you feel. Things will be fine. So, does this mean I should set the table for one more at Christmas?"

The tall woman glanced up at Jane, and shook her head. "No…Taryn won’t come, so I sort of told her that I’d fix it so she could spend the day with the kids." Jace batted her eyelids sheepishly at Jane.

"You did?"

"I thought that if Taryn wouldn’t go to your house, then maybe you could come to us. I have the room, and I’m sure the kids would love to sleep over. The third room could sleep you, Bill and Tom. I’m sure Taylor would love to double up with Taryn, and Josie with me." She paused when she saw the raised eyebrow of her employee. "Or, I could take the sofa and the kids could have my room. I cooked at Thanksgiving so you know I wouldn’t poison you, and we could play games…"

Jane put her hand up to stop Jace’s incessant rambling. "You are so cute when you’re nervous. I think it’s a great idea. I didn’t like the idea of Taryn being alone either. What do you need me to bring?"

Jace’s face lit up when she heard her friend agree to the plans. "The lamb! You promised me lamb."

"Okay, I’ll bring it just to stop your whining. What else?" Jane smirked.

Jace rubbed her hand under her chin, ruminating what she might need and what she had. "How about if you bring things for the main meal, I’ll put Taryn in charge of the appetizers, and I’ll provide the house and dessert."

"Sounds like a plan. What about a tree?" Jace looked startled at that suggestion, and Jane couldn’t help but give her friend a sympathetic smile. "You have to get a tree so we can put the presents under it on Christmas Eve."

Jace grabbed a pad and began furiously writing. "Okay, I can get a tree this weekend. Taryn is coming over on Sunday, so we still have plenty of time to get my house looking good. What will you do with Patrick?"

The older woman shrugged, "I don’t know, and I really don’t care. The man may be my brother, but he’s not my friend at the moment. He’s big enough, and ugly enough to look after himself." The older woman had given serious thought to her relationship with her brother. Since Thanksgiving, she had run out of patience with him. And any feelings she had for him were definitely not positive. "Is it okay if we come over Christmas Eve? You know the kids like to hang their stockings, and place their gifts to others around the tree."

"Shit! A present…for Taryn. I haven’t gotten one yet. What am I going to get her?"

Jane roared with laughter. "Oh, this is priceless. How about I take you shopping on Saturday, and we organize ourselves then. Let’s get through this week first."

Jace pouted. She knew her friend had good reason to tease her, but it hurt, and served as a constant reminder that she really was just a babe in the woods when it came to social events, friends, and romance. "Sounds good. Now scoot so I can do my work in peace." Jace watched Jane leave her office. She knew there was little, if any chance of her getting much work done. There was just too much to think about, but she knew she had to try if she wanted the week with Taryn to be all play and no work.

**

"Taryn, are you sure about this? You don’t have to go!" Cory helped her friend pack her small suitcase. "Have we made you feel unwelcome?"

Taryn placed the sweatshirt back on the bed, and turned to the green-eyed woman who looked beseechingly at her. "No, I promise. You and JJ are the best. I just want to give you back your apartment. I know how important it is for you to have privacy, especially this time of year." When she saw the doubts crease Cory’s forehead, she added. "Plus, I don’t think it would be good for me to spend so much time in the company of two lovebirds. It kind of rubs it in that I’m all alone."
Cory rubbed her friend’s arm sympathetically, "I understand, I think." She paused for a moment and then asked the question on her mind. "But why Jace’s?"

"Because she offered."

"I know that, but you just spent the past few weeks bitching and moaning about what a Prima Donna she is. Now she decides you’re worthy of her friendship and you’re back thinking she’s wonderful. Be careful, Taryn, I think she’s toying with you."
Taryn went back to packing her bag. She had her worries about living with Jace. This kind of decision could make or break a friendship, and Taryn really wanted to make a go of this one. "I know. There are things I haven’t told you, Cory. Not because I don’t want to, more because I made a promise. So, trust me on this. She’s not as bad as I made out."

"I know. She seems pretty cool. I was just trying to see if you’d really thought about this. So, are you nervous?"

Taryn nodded her head, and zipped up her suitcase. "A little. Can I tell you something private?"

"Sure, I’m all ears." Cory sat down next to Taryn’s bag and looked attentively at her friend.

"Come on, J will be home in a minute and then we’ll have to go. Jace was pretty insistent that we all come over. What’s on your mind?"

Taryn took a deep breath. "It’s Jace…I don’t know what’s happening, but I think I like her."

"Like her, as in like her!"

Taryn nodded. "She’s grown on me, I guess. I never realized it before, but last week I started seeing her in a different way. She’s very pretty."

"Gorgeous!" Cory commented, "But then I am biased as she reminds me so much of J."

"She just treats me…differently, as if I’m special."

Cory heard the key turning in the lock, and looked up at Taryn. "You are special. This is a conversation we definitely need to continue. Just do me one favor, take it slowly with her, Taryn. It was only a few weeks ago that you thought she was straight." When she saw the shocked expression on Taryn’s face she knew she had to explain more. "Look, you obviously know differently, or you wouldn’t even be thinking about it. You told me you’d never date a straight woman, and you thought J was very trusting to risk my switch in sexuality. I promise I won’t say anything, I know first hand what it’s like to be outed when you’re not ready. Just remember there’s more at stake than your heart. Ultimately, she’s still your boss and that can be hard. Even I noticed the tension in the air when you two argued. Can you imagine the atmosphere if you two did bang boobs, and then split up?"

Taryn couldn’t help laughing at Cory’s crude saying. "Bang boobs! You have such expressions. Come on, let’s go."

**

Jace paced back and forth across the living room. She had organized the guest room and replaced the old sheets with brand new ones. She had tried to go for a more modern look and had settled for a Nautilus designer set. The comforter had felt so soft under her fingertips, and Jace felt certain that Taryn would appreciate the colors. After rearranging the guest room, she had tidied up the computer room and cleared away her mess, in order to give Jane and Bill some extra space. There was a double bed in the corner of the room, and enough space for Jane to set up the travel cot for Tom.

The rest of the house had been polished and vacuumed, and Jace had cleared one corner of the big living room for the tree. She checked her watch again; the girls would be arriving any time. Jace had invited Cory and JJ over, in order to help Taryn feel more settled, and also to borrow JJ’s truck. She went back to her pacing, her stomach churning and her nerves frayed. She just hoped the week went well. The sound of tires crunching on the salted driveway, prompted Jace to open the door, and she watched as JJ pulled onto the drive behind Taryn’s small Camry.

"Hey there." Jace walked down the pathway toward Taryn.

"Afternoon. This is a beautiful house, Jace."

"Thanks. Good afternoon, guys. Thanks for coming, I have a favor to ask."

JJ grinned at Jace. "Anything you want. We owe you for taking in this poor waif and stray. We’d have felt mighty guilty if she’d spent the vacation in Florida."

Jace patted JJ on the back. "Keep thinking along those lines because I need to borrow your truck! We’re going Christmas tree hunting. I tried to imagine tying a tree to the roof of the Jeep, but it wouldn’t be logical. Do you mind?"

"No. Go for it. Cory really had fun picking out our little tree. She’s never picked her own tree before."

"It was brilliant! There were just too many to choose from. I can’t wait! What size are you looking for?" Cory asked excitedly.

Jace looked from JJ to Cory and shrugged in response. "Err…why don’t you come inside and check out the space. Taryn, let me carry one of those." Jace was heartened to see Taryn’s huge grin and welcome hug.

Taryn followed Jace into the large ranch house. It had a similar design to Marti’s, but looked a lot bigger. Jace led the way to the guest room, and opened the door for Taryn. The blonde poked her head in and gasped at the simple, but comfortable looking room. On the bedside table was a vase filled with carnations and roses. She looked up at her host. "They’re beautiful, Jace."

Just like you are. Jace thought. "A welcome gift." Jace was trying hard not to blush. "Just drop your bags on the bed and let’s make tracks. We have a lot of decorating to do before tomorrow." She said, a little flustered at Taryn’s nearness.

**

"Are you sure this is big enough?" Taryn asked in a sarcastic tone, her arms straining to keep the tree steady.

JJ and Jace both grinned back, as they heaved the tree through the front door. "Keep up, shorty, only a few more paces." JJ poked out her tongue, and continued to drag the tree to the corner.

Cory watched the three women tug the tree into position. "I think it’s perfect. Not too big, not too small."

"Thanks, Cory. You helped to narrow the choice. Could you fill the tree base for me?" Jace watched as Cory grabbed the red tree base, and scurried into the kitchen. The afternoon had been very enjoyable. The hunt for the Christmas tree had been easy, as they had stopped at the first available tree lot. The trip to Wal-Mart had been even better. Taryn had helped Jace pick out various ornaments and decorations, both women consulting each other with their choices. JJ and Cory had disappeared to do their own last minute shopping. Jace hadn’t decorated her own tree before and the novelty of it was exciting. She especially enjoyed the fact that she was doing all this with Taryn. She felt a little bit like a child and this was her first Christmas all over again.

"Jace!"

Jace shook her head and realized she’d been caught daydreaming. "Sorry. Okay, let’s get this beast in the hole." Her comment caused a chuckle from the blonde haired women. She blushed when she realized what she had said. "I mean…"

"We know what you mean, Jace. Ignore these two dirty minded women. Let’s get this all done and then you can treat us to Chinese." JJ winked at her friend. She liked the innocence that surrounded the tall woman. She sensed that her cool, calm exterior was just a bluff to cover up a very sensitive and lonely woman. A woman that JJ liked very much, and hoped she would see more of if Taryn played her cards right.

The four women worked liked Amazons, arranging, then rearranging the tree and its decorations until they were all satisfied that it looked good. Jace and JJ had volunteered to use their height to their advantage, and had gone outside to put up the lights, leaving Taryn and Cory to decorate the inside of the house with wreath and window displays.

"Jace seems to be having fun." Cory commented as she wrapped another set of lights around the plain green wreath.

Taryn copied Cory’s actions. "Yeah. She’s definitely loosened up. She and JJ seem to really get along."

Cory giggled, "I swear they were separated at birth. They have the same sense of humor, looks, and desires. This house is nice."

Taryn nodded. "Yeah, it was nothing like I imagined it to be. I imagined her in a one-bedroom apartment, not this huge house. She must rattle around in here on her own."

Cory listened, unsure whether to probe deeper into Taryn’s personal life. "She definitely seems to brighten up when you’re around."

"You think so?" Taryn asked, curious to know what her friend had seen or noticed.

"Definitely. I think she likes you, too. Who knows, you may even get some Christmas whoopee!"

"Cory, I’m not like that anymore. It took me a long time to get out of my habit of sleeping around. It’s too soon after Marti, and could you really imagine Jace and me together? Let’s not jump the gun, we’re still on rocky ground where our friendship is concerned."

**

Jace looked up from her hot chocolate and caught the contemplative look on Taryn’s face. The fire was roaring and its heat was sending a wave of tiredness through Jace’s aching body. The two women had finished watching a DVD after saying goodnight to JJ and Cory. At Jace’s insistence, the two friends had promised to attend the Christmas Eve gathering. Jace glanced at the flames in the fire and smiled. The day had been great, and after her initial nervousness of having Taryn close, she had begun to relax and enjoy the blonde’s company.

"A penny for your thoughts!" Taryn whispered quietly as she saw Jace smile into the fire.

Jace turned her relaxed features to Taryn. "They’re not worth a penny, but give me a cookie and I’ll tell you all of them!" She grinned at Taryn, and stretched her long legs out in front of her. "I’m just happy to have you here. I don’t realize how lonely I am until I have company. Usually, I sit here moping around after they’ve gone, but tonight I get to share one last drink with you. It’s nice."

"Jace, I really do appreciate this. I was very worried about spending my first Christmas alone. You saved me from that and I’ll be eternally grateful…can I ask you a personal question?" She visibly saw the tall woman tense. "You don’t have to answer it."

Jace tried to relaxed her shoulders and breath normally. She knew deep down she could trust Taryn to keep anything she said private, but the accusations from Taryn were still fresh in her mind. You promised to forgive her…now show her you have! Her conscience admonished her. "Sure. Same deal as before. You can ask and I’ll try to answer it as best as I can. Shoot."

Taryn turned ninety degrees in her chair and tucked her legs under her body. She leaned her shoulders against the back of the sofa, and looked into frightened blue eyes. "You look scared. I just wanted to ask why you’re so lonely. I mean, you’re gorgeous…" She blushed as she said the words, "And a catch for any woman. Did someone break your heart or are you not into commitment?"

Jace rolled her neck, the tension inside making her head begin to ache. It was time to lay her cards on the table, and be honest with Taryn. She had replayed this conversation over and over in her mind. She knew that it would be easier to tell Taryn now, than if they ever got involved. Taryn needed to know about Jace’s past as Taryn had explained about her own. "I’ve never had my heart broken. I’ve err…I’ve never had the opportunity to commit to anyone. I would love to meet someone and settle down."

"So, you’ve just played the field?" Taryn was a little confused.

Jace shook her head. "Not exactly."

"Okay. So, you’ve never had your heart broken?" She watched as Jace nodded her head in confirmation, "and you’re ready for a commitment?" Again she saw the slight nod of Jace’s head. "And you don’t play the field?"

Jace shook her head, "I’ve never played the field."

Taryn was struggling to work out exactly whom Jace had dated. "So, when was the last time you went out with or dated someone?"

Jace swallowed the lump. Her heart beat furiously in her chest and the embarrassment she felt made her squirm in her seat. She knew she could lie, but that would surely come back and bite her on the ass. She sucked in a deep breath and opened her mouth. "I’ve…I’ve…never been on a date."

"Never!" Taryn spluttered, her drink spilling onto her sweater. "I’m sorry, it wasn’t meant to sound like that. So…"

Jace nailed Taryn with laser blue eyes, "So… I’m a thirty-five year old virgin." She said acerbically.

Taryn leaned over and took one of Jace’s hands in her own. "Jace, don’t say it like that. It doesn’t matter. It’s kind of sweet."

Jace lowered her eyes. The last thing she wanted was Taryn’s pity. She reclaimed her hand. "I just never had time to date. I had an old-fashioned upbringing so I buried myself in my books. I guess I dealt with my father’s rejection in exactly the opposite way as you."

Taryn’s pulse rate increased and her breathing deepened. She looked into sad blue eyes and realized that Jace wasn’t berating her, but simply comparing their lives. She swallowed the biting comment on the tip of her tongue. "I guess so. I was so afraid of being discarded by lovers and friends that I just used people before they could do it to me. You just hid away from life. It makes sense. So, are you sure it’s women you like?"

Jace rearranged her body so she mimicked Taryn’s position on the couch. "It’s never really been anything I consciously thought about. I like watching movies where there’s a strong female figure. I’ll watch a show if there are two women together in it. I was very attracted to women in the bars we’ve been to. I guess I’ll never really know until I pluck up the courage to try it."

Taryn examined Jace’s expression. Her new knowledge of Jace was making her re-assess her own feelings for the woman in front of her. Jace was definitely not someone Taryn wanted to mess with, and Taryn was certainly someone that Jace didn’t need. They were two people on completely different roads. Taryn just wanted Jace to be happy. "Well, we’ll have to rectify that. Maybe, we should go back to the bar and see who turns up."

"Maybe." Jace muttered. She faked a yawn and stretched her arms above her head. Disappointed that her confession had not had a different effect, but rather had Taryn playing matchmaker. "Goodnight, Taryn. Tomorrow’s going to be a busy day."

Taryn looked up at dark, smoky eyes. "Goodnight, Jace, and thank you…for everything."

Chapter 15

Taryn yawned, stretched, and repositioned herself under the comforter. If she had been a kitten she would have been purring with contentment. The aroma of coffee drifted under the gap in the door, enticing Taryn out of her sleepy cocoon. The house was very warm despite the cold, crisp morning frost, Taryn kept her shorts and t-shirt on, and padded out of the bedroom heading toward the bangs and clatters she could hear from the kitchen. She leaned against the doorframe and observed her tall companion. The woman was wearing a pair of Lycra shorts and a long-sleeved shirt. Sweat was pooled under her armpits and down her back. The usually loose curly hair was gathered into a ponytail, with stray curls plastered to the side of her head. Despite their conversation the previous night, and Taryn’s resolution, the grad assistant couldn’t help the tiny flutter of desire as she watched the graceful woman move around her kitchen.

"Good morning." Taryn croaked, her voice still thick and dry from sleep. She cleared her throat and walked further into the kitchen.

Jace returned Taryn’s smile, a little uncomfortable after the evening’s chat. She took in Taryn’s skimpy attire and bashfully turned her head away. "How did you sleep?"

"Excellent. I think I was out before my head hit the pillow. And you?" She pulled out one of the counter stools and sat down observing the usually confident woman.

Jace pulled two mugs from the cupboard, and walked over to the fridge to collect the cream. "I was a little restless. I think having someone else in the house took a little getting used to. I also had a long ‘to-do’ list floating through my head."

Taryn nodded, her eyes resting on a small aquarium in the corner of Jace’s kitchen cupboards. "Speaking of floating, I never noticed that yesterday." She pointed at the ten-gallon tank.

Jace followed Taryn’s gaze. "My fault, I didn’t put the light back on after I moved them. I’m having a bit of an algae problem. They used to be in the living room, but I moved them the other day to make room for the tree." She glanced at the repositioned tank, "Also, the additional light from the bay window may be adding to the algae problem. In the summer, I usually pull the blind down, but we must have had more sun this winter and not realizing it, I didn’t cover the window. I thought I’d try them in here, and keep the tank light off to see if I could control it that way. I’m a bit wary of using chemicals and the other solution is to keep snails, but it’s not snail season."

"Eww…I’m not sure I’d want snails crawling around the place." Taryn moved closer to the tank. "What do you have in there?"

Jace laughed while she poured the coffee into the cups. "The tank is enclosed. I haven’t had this problem before and I don’t like the thought of snails either." She passed Taryn her mug of coffee. "Here you are, it’s not Dunkin’ Donuts, but I know what you’re like if you don’t get your shot of caffeine"

Taryn watched the goldfish swim around the tank. The four fish were quite striking, and all very different from each other. "Thanks." Unsure of what to talk about, Taryn decided to focus on Jace’s fish. "So, what are these?"

"Chinese Oranda’s. They’re from the Koi family." Jace went back to the counter and placed the sliced, fresh bagels she’d bought that morning into the toaster.

Taryn moved away from the tank and went back to the breakfast bar. "I didn’t picture you for a fish person."

Jace turned and looked at the young woman. "Well, I guess there’s a lot of things that I don’t appear to be. They’re pretty easy to look after, once the aquarium is established. Some nights I like to come home and read. The calming sound of the water trickling down from the filter is relaxing, and I like watching the bubbles and the action of the fish. They all have different characters."

Taryn looked back at the tank. "I’ll take your word for it. So, what are your plans for today?"

Jace placed the toasted bagels on a plate, and took them over to the counter. She made sure the condiments were all out, and then sat down opposite Taryn. "I have a few errands to run, and then I need to do some baking. What about you?"

Taryn picked up the cream cheese tub; while she mentally noted all the tasks she wanted to do. "I have to do some last minute shopping. I’m meeting Marti for lunch and we’re going to exchange gifts. Then I’m done for the day."

Jace was a little put out that Taryn was spending part of the day with her ex-girlfriend. She had hoped they could spend the day together. "What did you get her?"

"She’s a big Patriots fan. JJ managed to get some sweatshirts and a jacket that won’t be released in the shops. I got a very good price. Marti’s so excited that the Patriots could be in the playoffs."

Jace swallowed her last mouthful of coffee and stood up, stretching her tight body as she did so. "I think I ought to get this body into the shower before it offends you with the smell, and my muscles seize up."

Taryn appraised the body in front of her. Jace looked very fit and Taryn wished she could exercise as diligently as Jace appeared to. "Maybe, tomorrow I could run with you?"

Jace smiled, "Maybe. Then again, I might take the morning off. It is Christmas, after all." She winked as she walked out of the room.

**

The soft Christmas music, the aroma of freshly baked cookies, and the blinking tree lights all helped to create the perfect Yuletide atmosphere. Jace hummed along to the songs. Her ‘to-do’ list had shrunk dramatically. Her day had been organized and a lot calmer now that Taryn was around and seemingly at ease in Jace’s home. The two women had met up mid-afternoon and had gone grocery shopping together. She glanced into the living room and couldn’t help the small grin as she watched Taryn fighting with rolls of wrapping paper and tape. "Are you winning the battle?" She asked jokingly.

"I think so. I just have a few more presents. Don’t come out here, you never know what the elves sent for you!" Taryn shouted back.

Jace moved back into the kitchen and did a little happy dance. Her holiday was developing into the best she’d ever had. She glanced at the clock. She only had half an hour before the guests would begin to arrive. She placed the pizza dough on one of the baking stones and began rolling it out. No matter how hard she tried, the dough would not stay circular. After a few minutes the frustration level rose in her, and she began to pound the dough. "Come on! Roll out! Stay there!" She kneaded the dough back into a ball and tried the whole process again.

Taryn had heard the shouts and pounds of aggravation. She placed the wrapped presents under the tree and went to see what was causing the tall woman problems. She watched from the door as Jace pounded the dough and finally threw the large ball onto the counter. "Don’t let it beat you! You have to treat it like a woman!" Taryn hinted tenderly.

Jace turned around, surprised that Taryn had crept into the room so quietly. "I didn’t hear you come in."

"I’m not surprised with all the pounding and insults. Pass it here, let me try."

Jace raised an eyebrow, but silently passed the pizza dough to the blonde. She watched Taryn gently roll the dough on the board and sprinkle the corn meal onto the baking stone. "So, what was I doing wrong?"

Taryn scratched her face with a finger, and turned a flour-stained face to Jace. "You were fighting with it. What you need to do is tease it gently. Watch." Taryn took the ends of the dough and carefully shook it downwards, letting gravity aid the process. She turned the dough in her fingers, teasing and shaking it.

Jace watched in amazement at the deft way Taryn manipulated the pliant material. She observed as the blonde rotated the dough every few seconds, pulling and shaking the circular action helping to stretch the dough into the familiar pizza shape. "Wow. Where did you learn this trick?"

"A semester working at a pub and pizza bar. Okay, now it’s big enough, I have to flick it around on my hand. This is the tricky part as I have to make sure my hand doesn’t go through the dough."

Jace leaned against the counter and watched Taryn’s ministrations. The blonde placed the pizza base on the stone and began the same process with the second package of dough. Jace pushed off from the counter and reached out. "Can I try with this one?"

"Sure. Here, hold it like this."

Jace diligently copied Taryn’s actions. When she felt the dough beginning to tear, she also felt a pair of hands on top of hers. She puckered her brow and tried to concentrate on the job, and not on Taryn’s soft hands squeezing hers. Together they managed to produce a second pizza base. "Well that was an experience." Jace said, as she wiped the flour off her face. Tenderly, she leaned forward and stroked the same markings off Taryn’s cheek. "Want to help me with the rest of it?"

"Sure." Taryn smiled openly at Jace. She had enjoyed watching and helping Jace. The woman looked so childlike when she was learning something. The avid blue eyes had not left her hands the whole process. She realized just how innocent Jace was in the real world. At college, she was in control, full of knowledge, and lead with experience. But here, in the world of relationships and friendship, Jace was just as naïve as a young child. Taryn was beginning to truly understand what a precious gift Jace was to her.

**

"Ryn, mom says we’re staying the night. She says I can sleep with you. Is it true?"

Taryn swept Taylor into her arms. "It’s true, buddy. Auntie Jace wanted to give mommy and daddy a break, so she offered to have us all over. Isn’t that good of her?" Taryn smiled at the excited face of her cousin. She watched as Jane and Bill carried in the packages of food. Jace held Tom in her arms, while Josie fussed with the presents under the tree.

Jace placed Tom on the sofa and put his toy fire engine in his lap. "Tom, we’re going to get the food and put it on the table. Can you stay here with Josie and be a good boy."

"Yes. Auntie Dace."

"Good boy." She stood up and winked at Jane. "He’s getting better. He can say the A sound clearer."

Jane placed the packages on the kitchen counter. "We’re working on it. How are things here? I see you and Taryn are still talking. I take it the transition period was successful?"

Jace made sure Taryn was occupied before she spoke to Jane. "We’re doing okay. We had a good talk last night. She knows about my lack of experience in the dating arena."

"How’d she take it?"

Jace placed the pizzas in the oven before she answered. "About as good as you did. A little shocked, then supportive. She wants to take me out clubbing!"

"Really?"

"Apparently, I need to get out there and she’s going to help me!"

"Maybe she’s right. You need to at least get out there and look."

Jace sighed. "I know. We’ve been over this. I just know she’s the one for me. I guess I’m just going to have to show her, one way or another. I figured I could use the bar trips to my advantage."

Jane placed the chips into a bowl and grabbed the soda bottles. "Well keep me posted."

"I will."

**

Taryn swallowed the last bit of pizza, and picked up a second bottle of beer. The family was scattered throughout the living room. Cory and JJ had arrived just in time for the pizza. They had brought gifts for the children. Taryn had been touched by this gesture. For once in her life she felt totally secure. She felt a tug at her sleeve.

"Is it time for Santa to come?" Taylor asked.

"Santa! Santa!" Tom shrieked as he ran toward the tree.

"Hold it, guys!" Bill shouted. His command seemed to settle the excited kids. "Taylor, you know Santa doesn’t come until tonight. These presents are gifts to show how much everyone in this room loves each other. So, we’ll open them when we’re all ready. Let mommy finish her dinner, and don’t wind up Thomas."

After Bill’s little speech, the other adults began to eat a little faster. JJ and Jace cleared the plates and cups from around the room. Jace placed a dish of cookies on the coffee table, and took her seat on the sofa next to Taryn. She opened her arms and waited for the excited tot to come to her.

"Pwesents."

"That’s right. Who’s coming tonight?"

"Santa."

Jace smiled adoringly at the boy. "Did you see Santa?"

The little boy nodded. "Santa in mall."

Taryn watched the interaction, and wished she were the one snuggling on Jace’s lap. The woman was adorable. "I got one of the photos from Jane. The three of them looked so cute sitting on his lap."

"I know. She gave me one and I put it in the frame on my bedside table." Jace watched Bill kneel by the tree, taking his lead as head of the family.

Bill surveyed his family and the new friends that had become part of his growing brood. "It’s Christmas Eve again. The time when Mary and Joseph had to look for a safe place to spend the night. They didn’t have a family to stay with, or friends as kind as Auntie Jace to take them in. They were given a small stable in which to sleep. We should be very thankful that we have beds to sleep in tonight and that we’re warm and comfortable."

Jane watched her children gaze lovingly at their father as he tried to deliver his annual Christmas message to his growing kids. They had decided early on that they would try and engender a deeper understanding of the importance of Christmas time, both in the Christian celebration, and as a time to be with loved ones. "Josie, what happened to Mary that night?"

Josie stood up and walked over to her mother. "Mary was going to have a baby."

"Good. So, why do we give gifts at Christmas time, Taylor?"

Her middle child looked up from his seat beside Taryn. "Because the three wise men brought gifts…I can’t remember their names, mom. There were shepherds there, too. They gave some of their sheep. We give presents to show how much we care about people. I got you a present, Ryn. I picked it out myself."

Taryn tousled the young boy’s hair. "I got you one, too."

"Why isn’t Uncle Patrick here?" Taylor asked innocently.

Taryn swallowed a biting comment. It was supposed to be the time of year where people expressed goodwill to all men. "He couldn’t come, Tay. We didn’t have any more room at the inn!" She watched the beaming smile from the young boy, as he understood the play on words mirroring those of the nativity story.

Bill listened to the interplay, and when the room became quiet again, he picked up the presents and carefully read every name. Passing the presents out one by one until every person had a few gifts in front of them. He looked at JJ and Cory’s surprised faces when they read the gift tags on their gifts. "You’re part of the family now, guys. We wanted to thank you for the support you’ve given Taryn."

Taryn looked at her presents. There was a small package wrapped neatly in gold colored paper, tiny white snowflakes imprinted subtly on the paper. On the tag was the now familiar bold handwriting, expressing a short sentiment that said, Merry Christmas, Taryn. Love Jace. She glanced over at cobalt orbs, and she mouthed words of thanks.

Jace was a little nervous. She’d never had to pick out a present for anybody without first checking what they might want. Her usual Christmas list was just Jane, Bill and the kids. For Jane and Bill, she usually arranged for a weekend away somewhere, and threw in her child-minding services. The children all wrote Christmas wish lists and she just picked a present off all three. Taryn was still a mystery to her. Jane had provided hints about things she thought Taryn was interested in, but Jace had gone out on a limb and done something she hoped the blonde would like and appreciate. She watched as Taryn nimbly opened the small package. She saw the subtle rise of Taryn’s brows as the blonde’s interest was piqued, as she lifted the two envelopes out of the box.

Taryn looked questioningly at Jace. "You’re a lady full of surprises."

Jace blushed, "I try. Are you just going to stare at them?"

"No. Just trying to keep the suspense going a little longer. This is my favourite time. Your mind is trying to work out what the other person knows about you, and has internalized enough to buy a gift reflecting their knowledge. I’m just curious to see what you know about me!"

Jace smiled. Taryn was sometimes just as logical as she was. "So, what do you think I got you?"

Taryn looked down at the envelopes and grinned. "I have no idea!" She slipped her finger under the seal of the flap and ripped the edge open. Inside was a folded printed document. She opened the paper and read its contents, the small smile turning into a huge beam. "You’ve booked me a snowboarding weekend!"

Jace shrugged. "I know you used to ski a lot as a child, Jane told me. I figured maybe you’d like to try something new. It’s for two, so I thought you could take a friend." Jace was pleased to see the grin on Taryn’s face. Present number one had gone down well.

"But…I can’t accept this…it must have cost a lot."

Jace’s exhilaration turned to disappointment. She turned to see everyone else chatting and helping the kids to open their gifts. "Please…ignore the price and accept the gift."

Taryn nodded her head. "Okay! I at least wanted to pretend. I’m psyched! I’ve always wanted to try snowboarding." She tapped the second envelope and opened the flap. Inside was a card. She read the inscription.

Taryn,

I hope you enjoy this Holiday season, as much as I hope to. Maybe we can reclaim some of our lost childhoods together.

Best wishes and friendship

Jace

Taryn nodded at the sentiment. "Thanks, Jace. Are you going to open your gift?"

Jace searched through the packages on her lap and saw the one from Taryn. She shook the little box and pursed her lips trying to play Taryn’s guessing game. She tore the wrapping paper off, opened the box lid, and stared at the stylish silver fountain pen. She picked it up, admiring the engravings on the Waterman pen. "It’s beautiful, Taryn."

"You like it?"

"Yes." Jace looked closely and saw the initials JX engraved at the end of the shaft. "Thank you, I’m always losing my pens. I’ll treasure this one."

"I noticed you never had a pen on you. Look at the kids, they’re in heaven."

Both women watched as wrapping paper went flying and excited squeals of delight erupted. Jace settled back against the sofa pillows and soaked up the atmosphere. She kept Taryn’s profile in her peripheral vision. She just hoped events went smoother this holiday than the last one.

After the present swapping, Jane brought out the first board game of the evening, Clue. Jace partnered with Josie, Bill with Jane and Tom, JJ with Cory, and Taryn with Taylor. The game was light-hearted and helped to bond the family even tighter. After a few rounds, Cory suggested a good old-fashioned game of charades. By late evening, the whole family was exhausted, but happy. JJ and Cory thanked everyone for their gifts and left early, in the hope of catching a late mass. Jane surveyed her very excited and wide-awake children. She knew it was a hopeless act to try and get them to go to bed. "Josie, I think it’s time we put out the cookies and milk for Santa." She saw Josie roll her eyes. Jane moved closer to her daughter and bent down so she was on the same level. "I’ve warned you about rolling your eyes, young lady. You may not believe in Santa Claus anymore, but Taylor does, and I want Thomas to get the same excitement out of this as you did. So, either play along or keep quiet." Jane whispered in a voice only Josie could hear.

Taryn observed her aunt’s behavior and sensed the topic of conversation. She had heard Josie make the odd remark whenever Taylor mentioned Santa Claus. Diplomatically, she tickled Taylor’s side and distracted the young boy from the conversation his mother was having with his desperately independent sister. "Hey, Tay. Would you like to get the goodies ready for Santa?"

Taylor turned gleeful eyes to Taryn’s. "Yes!" He pulled his arms down to his sides, pushing Taryn’s tickling hands away. "We have to leave out chocolate chip cookies and a glass of milk. Mom brought some reindeer food, too. I’ll go and get it."

Jace smiled at the innocent comments of the young boy. She saw him bring back a packet. He handed it to Taryn. "What’s in it?"

Taryn passed the food to Jace. "Oats and glitter, I think. How cute! I’ve never done this before. Let’s take this into the kitchen, Tay. Come on Jace. I think this is a time for big kids, too."

Jace picked up Tom and followed the two blonde heads into the kitchen. "Okay, Taylor. The plastic beakers are in the bottom cupboard. You may find a little plate there, too. We can put the reindeer food on that." She marveled at how eager the boy was to do things right. Usually, his older sister was in charge of these kinds of things. Now he was instructing his little brother and passing on another family tradition. Taryn helped Taylor pour the milk, and Tom helped put the cookies on a plate for Santa. After they had done this, they placed the items on the side table near the tree. Taylor then went to his mom’s bag and took out an envelope. The word SANTA was scrawled on the outside. Taylor’s actions reminded Jace of a present she had for the family. She reached behind her small one-person chair, and pulled out a bag. "Here you are, Taylor. I thought this would be a nice surprise and get us really ready for Santa’s visit."

Taylor ran toward Jace and opened up the bag. He took out the DVD and shrieked with delight. "Santa Clause! Mom, Jace got us Santa Clause the movie! Can we watch it now? Please?"

Jane looked at her husband, and realizing that Bill had no objections, nodded her agreement to Taylor. The family settled themselves while Taylor helped Jace fiddle with the DVD and TV controls. Taryn curled up on the large sofa, leaving plenty of room for Taylor to resume his earlier position. She watched as Jane sat on the loveseat, leaning against her husband. Their daughter cuddled against her father’s chest, her earlier disposition gone.

Jace made sure everyone was comfortable before she switched off the main lights. She lowered her body onto the sofa and placed her feet on the coffee table. It didn’t take long before Tom toddled over to her and demanded she lift him up. She arranged the young boy so he could see the TV, but was also in a comfortable position should he fall asleep.

As the closing credits rolled on the screen, Jane rubbed her eyes and stretched. She felt Bill’s hand sooth the tightened kinks in her neck. He moved forward, cradling his sleeping daughter in his arms. "I’m not sure anyone actually watched the whole movie." He stood up. "I’m going to put this little madam into bed. Then I’ll come back for the boys."

Jane watched her husband creep through the living room. The only noise she could hear was the deep breathing and occasional snore she associated with her middle child. Carefully and quietly, she stood up and walked over to the large sofa. She gazed down at the four slumbering bodies. Somehow during the movie, Taryn and Taylor had curled up side-by-side. Taryn’s legs sprawled over Jace’s lap. Tom had wedged himself between Taryn’s legs and Jace’s chest. His tiny head was cradled maternally in Jace’s arms. Jace had reclined her body and her head was turned to the side, her long dark hair curled around her head. Hearing Bill behind her, she lifted her hand to silence his motions. "They look like four sleeping angels." She murmured. "I think we should leave them be. Taylor will be so excited if he wakes up and realizes Santa has delivered the gifts, and he was sleeping in the room at the same time."

"Okay, honey. But how are we going to get the gifts from the truck to the tree?"

"Very quietly!" Jane joked back. "If we go out the back door and bring the presents into the kitchen, we can wait an hour to see if they wake up. Taylor sleeps just as heavy as Taryn. I don’t mind if Tom wakes up and sees us, he’s still too young to know exactly what’s going on."

The pair worked diligently as a team, and soon had the children’s main presents in the kitchen. Bill took Tom’s motorized car out of the box and put the battery on charge. He assembled the parts and quietly rolled it into the living room and placed it under the tree. Jane followed suit with Josie’s karaoke machine, and Taylor’s snow tube. The other presents were brought in one by one to avoid crackling the wrapping paper. When all the presents were under the tree, Jane looked at the sleeping children. She was glad they’d put the children into their sleep wear and felt confident that the kids would be okay sleeping on the sofa. She didn’t envy Jace’s position but also didn’t want to disturb the tall woman. "Come on, Bill. Let’s leave them here. We’ll put the sleep cot in Jace’s room and she can put Tom in there if he wakes up. Where did you put Josie?"

Bill followed his wife out of the room. "I put her in our bed. It’ll be cramped but she won’t be scared if she wakes up in a strange room."

**

Jace woke to a sudden, sharp pain in her stomach and the sounds of whimpers. She opened her sleep filled eyes and tried to move. Disorientated, she attempted to feel around for what was causing the pain. Realizing that her head was at an awkward angle, and Tom’s body was causing her to be pinned against the seat, she gently lifted the small boy up causing him to stir in her arms. She looked to her side and saw the jerky movements of Taryn’s body. She tried sitting up, but Taryn’s legs shot back pressing against her stomach. Carefully, Jace lifted Tom further out of the warm cocoon.

In the moonlight, Jace could see scared brown eyes staring up at her. "Hey, sweetie. It’s Auntie Jace." She watched as the little boy’s face scrunched up. "Shush, there. Come on big guy, give me a smile." She rocked the little boy, very conscious of Taryn’s disturbed sleep. "How about some milk, hey? Would you like Auntie Jace to get you some?" The sound of her voice seemed to have a calming effect on Tom.

Jace gently moved Taryn’s legs to her side, and walked to the kitchen, tentatively carrying the tot. She grabbed one of Tom’s sippy cups and poured a little milk into it. She pressed the microwave buttons. While she waited, she rocked Tom against her, surprised at how long she had slept.

Once Tom had the milk in his hands, Jace carried the little boy into her bedroom and smiled when she saw the cot set up at the end of her bed. "Nice one, Jane." She sang a little and felt Tom relax against her. She felt his bottom and then held him up to smell his pajamas. Carefully, she laid the dozing child onto her bed and picked up the bag beside the cot. Quickly, she found a spare diaper, and diligently stripped Tom of the lower legs of his onesie. Her voice was soft and soothing as she told Tom a story while she changed his dirty diaper. Once the boy was redressed and more comfortable, Jace lowered the boy into his cot, and covered him up with the small fleece blanket. "Goodnight, Tom, sleep tight."

She stood up and stretched trying to clear her neck and back of the kinks she had developed. She looked at her bed, desperate to crawl under the covers and continue her dreams. She stopped herself when she thought of the sleeping pair still on the sofa. She looked over to her bedroom couch and retrieved the thin quilt. Quietly she walked back through the house and stopped in front of the living room sofa. She noted the presents tucked neatly under the tree and marveled at Jane and Bill’s ability to get things done without waking any of them up. Her attention moved back to Taryn. Her dreams had obviously calmed, and the young woman looked more peaceful. Jace rearranged Taylor’s little limbs, so that Taryn wasn’t covering him as much. Then she placed the quilt over the pair. Taryn’s arms were wrapped protectively around the little boy, and secretly Jace wished she were in Taylor’s place. She lowered her body down and kissed Taylor gently on the cheek. Unable to resist, she held her long hair out of the way with her right hand, and gently kissed Taryn’s cheek. This is becoming a habit. I hope one day I get to do that when she’s awake! "Sleep tight, my angels. I love you." Her body froze as she heard Taryn mumble in her sleep. When nothing else was said, Jace straightened her body and walked back to her bedroom.

**

"I can’t believe another Christmas is over. All that hype and commercialization, and it’s over in the blink of an eye!" Taryn muttered. Her eyes surveyed the littered room of abandoned toys and scattered crayons. "Look at all the stuff these kids got!"

Jace opened one of her eyes and scanned the destruction her living room had sustained. "I know, but it was fun! I don’t think I’ve heard such a scream of surprise as Taylor’s this morning."

"Tell me about it. I’m sure I’m still deaf! I can’t believe I slept all night with him on the sofa. Why didn’t you wake me?" Taryn had been shocked awake by Taylor’s excitement at seeing the toys under the tree. He had checked the cookies and milk, and squealed with delight when he’d seen a thank you note from Santa. Taryn had been delighted when the boy had run down the hallway, announcing to all that Santa had been. Jace had been a real sight running out of her bedroom with her disheveled long locks sticking up like a wild woman.

"I told you why earlier. You looked so cute together. He definitely has your sleeping ability. You were both out for the count. I put Tom and myself to bed just past midnight, I have no idea when Jane and Bill did the toys. So, you had a good day?"

Taryn nodded lazily. "The best. We should make this a tradition. It was the best Christmas ever. No tension, no worrying about Patrick. Thanks, Jace.

"Did you see the smirk on Jane and Bill’s face when they put all the kids in your room for the night? I know what was on their mind."

"Please, Jace. I don’t want to imagine what my aunt’s up to in there. She mentioned making babies and I switched off."

"Oooh should we disturb them?"

"Lalalalalalala…I’m not listening to you." Taryn covered her ears with her hands and closed her eyes. "When you’ve finished ruining my tender mind, I’ll listen."

Jace grinned at Taryn’s playful nature. She reached over and tickled the blonde girl.

"Stop that!" Taryn lowered her hands and grabbed at Jace’s probing fingers. "I’m warning you, Jace." Taryn held onto Jace’s longest finger and squeezed as hard as she could. "I mean it, Jace. Quit tickling me!" She tried to look fierce, but it didn’t work. "Did you have fun today?" Taryn didn’t let go of Jace’s hand. She liked being this close to Jace.

"I had a blast! It kind of reminded me of my younger days with Mika and Nikos. Christmas was a simple affair, but we would always look forward to Xristougenna. When I moved here it wasn’t the same. I missed my mother so much. Today reminded me that I have a chance to be part of another family, and maybe one day have children of my own."

"I know what you mean. This was the first Christmas I’ve really enjoyed. When mom was alive, she really tried to make it fun, but Patrick was always around and knew exactly what to do or say to ruin the happy times. In Ireland, mom was too ill to really celebrate it and I missed the kids. Last year, I was a fool and still reeling in my own stupidity, I was even too stubborn to see the kids."

Jace rubbed her thumb against Taryn’s hand. She had many questions she wanted answer to about Taryn’s past. What little of Taryn she knew had always been told in a very guarded manner. Jace needed to see if Taryn’s trust in her was true. "Taryn, what happened to make Patrick so bitter? I’ve heard Jane’s side of the story and I understand some of his behaviors, but not all of them. I sense you know more. Your reaction on Thanksgiving showed me that."

Taryn pulled her hand away. Jace’s question had come out of the blue and she hadn’t been prepared for it. Unconsciously, she moved further over on the couch, putting more distance between Jace and herself. "Jane’s side of the story is pretty accurate."

Jace dropped her head against the couch, her thoughts whirling inside, teasing and taunting her. She doesn’t trust you! You let her in and she still can’t let you in! Jace returned her attention to the movie on the television. Immense disappointment etched on her features.

Taryn not only saw, but also felt Jace’s withdrawal. Realizing she was the source she tried to push her doubts aside. "I didn’t mean to brush you off, Jace."

"It’s okay. I know the rules. We can ask questions, but the other doesn’t have to answer. I guess I never thought we’d actually get to a question that the other wouldn’t answer." Her eyes never left the television as she spoke.

Taryn still kept her distance, but moved her body so she was facing the brunette. You’re a complete idiot, she thinks you don’t trust her! Taryn had no intention of losing Jace’s friendship, especially since Jace had opened her home to the blonde, her friends and family. "Jace, look at me." When the tall woman still didn’t turn around, Taryn poked out her foot and nudged Jace gently. "Please, Jace… I don’t want a repeat performance. It’s not that I don’t want to talk about it. It’s just I’ve shut it away so far in my mind that I’m unsure how to talk about it. That’s completely different to not trusting you. I trust you so much."

Taryn’s imploring voice weaved its way through Jace’s stubborn head. Each word melting the resolve that raced through Jace’s stiff body. After a few moments of quiet contemplation, Jace turned smoky, dark eyes in Taryn’s direction. "Show me." She uttered.

Taryn’s mind drifted back to a cold, bleak morning in Ireland. The morning she had asked her mother the same question Jace had asked her. "She would never tell me why Patrick resented me so. Never. So, as a child I made up all these crazy reasons. I knew the official stories that Jane and my grandparents used to explain his behavior. I know about the twin brother he lost, but it just didn’t seem real to me. I would have thought that he would have been psyched to have a kid of his own. I know he always felt guilty that he was the surviving twin, and no one really knows the unique bond that exists between identical twins, even at that early an age." Taryn saw Jace’s features relax as the woman listened. When Jace didn’t interrupt, Taryn continued. "I would ask my mother and she just kept quiet. All those nights I would cry myself to sleep and she never answered my questions. Maybe she couldn’t answer them."

"I can only imagine how frustrated you were. I knew the answers to my questions, Taryn. But I still hypothesized other reasons. Every child does. What happened in Ireland?"

"Mom’s illness got progressively worse. Towards the end, she was on a mixture of drugs. They seemed to relax her and I took advantage of her mental state. I’m not proud of that, but I needed to know the answers. One morning, after a particularly restless sleep she was muttering about him. I gave her the usual dose and waited for it to kick in, and then I asked her."

Jace reached out and took Taryn’s whole hand in a show of support, pulling the shorter woman toward her. "I would have done exactly the same, Taryn. No one should have to live always wondering why." She felt the tremor go down Taryn’s arm and realized the woman was silently sobbing. "Come here." She opened her arms and encircled her fragile package. She mirrored the comforting ministrations that Taryn had offered her. She knew how hard it was to relive childhood horrors. The unknown questions that tormented a child’s mind, forcing the child to make up their own answers, no matter how absurd. Even as an adult, Jace still fought her childhood demons. She still believed her father’s rejection was something she had caused, but at least the adult in Jace could distance herself from the rejection. Her father was a continent away; Taryn’s was living with the rest of her family, a constant irritant; a constant reminder.

Taryn welcomed the comfort. Secrets her mother had wanted to take to the grave were fresh in her mind. Hearing Jace’s confession, knowing that the tall woman didn’t despise her for her actions and would have done the same soothed her. "My mom told me everything. When she met Patrick she wasn’t very worldly. Her parents had just returned to Ireland. She was a young woman with nobody to look after her. Patrick offered her love, or so she thought. When he offered to take care of her and move her into the house, she was overjoyed. He seemed so nice and my grandparents really liked her. Then she found out the truth. Patrick was fine when he was sober. He was quite attentive, according to my mother, but when he’d had a few beers he became violent. He would hit her, but nowhere visible. She put up with it because it didn’t happen often, and he was always sorry afterwards. He would blame his screwed up childhood … and his jealousy. He couldn’t stand the way his parents fussed over my mom. After awhile, their sex-life lessened, while his violent behavior increased. Mom got sick of his oppressive behavior, and finally, she arranged to live with some friends from work. The President’s Day weekend was an ideal chance to escape. My grandparents had taken Jane on a trip to New Hampshire. Patrick had gone down to the Pool Club for his usual Friday night escapades. Usually he stayed out all night, drinking and sleeping with any floozy that came his way. But that Friday, by some cruel twist of fate, he returned early because the bar manager kicked him out for violent behavior. Mom wasn’t quick enough and he found her with her bags packed."

Taryn squeezed her eyes shut, welcoming the warmth of Jace’s body, as the images spinning through her mind caused shivers down her spine. She didn’t look up and spoke in a monotone voice. "He beat her really bad and…raped her. Mom was always careful about practicing safe sex. She knew Patrick slept around and didn’t want to chance any diseases. That night he wouldn’t listen. Mom wouldn’t say too much, but I think he went crazy and brutalized her…he wouldn’t let her go. Eventually my grandparents returned and he threw her out onto the street." Taryn sobbed with relief. It actually felt good to get her secrets out.

Jace gritted her teeth. She wanted to drive around to Jane’s and blow the bastard’s balls off with a shotgun. She used all the strength she possessed not to flinch. She knew Jane didn’t know this story and she was in a quandary. She had promised Taryn her trust, but ultimately she had to protect the children. She needed to know exactly what triggered Patrick’s violent behavior and whether he would hurt Jane and the kids. She knew Jane had to be told the truth, but only Taryn could do that. If Jace said anything she would lose Taryn’s friendship. Jace held Taryn’s body tight against her. She could feel the tears soak through her thin pajama top. "What happened next?" She whispered desperate to know the full extent of Taryn’s demons.

Taryn wiped her face on Jace’s top. Her nose was blocked and her head pounding. "Mom went to the ER. They cleaned her up. Luckily, nothing was broken. She didn’t tell them about the rape. She was too embarrassed, and knew he’d deny it; after all, she was living with him. Her friends took her in, but then she found out she was pregnant. Mom didn’t tell me much about her pregnancy, just that I was born and her friends couldn’t house her any more. She couldn’t work and they didn’t want a baby in the house. She never told me who these friends were." Taryn took a few moments to think about what she had said. The mere thought of the pain her mother had gone through during those moments of her own conception made her hate Patrick with a vengeance.

"Mom decided to confront Patrick with what he’d done to her. She said he was shocked, even repentant until she told him about me…he didn’t want to believe I had been created then. He accused her of sleeping around, and tried to poison my grandparent’s minds. Luckily, they took one look at me and recognized I was a Walton. My grandfather overruled Patrick, and my mother moved back into the house to give me security and a fighting chance. Mom says I was a constant reminder to Patrick of that night. He even admitted in one moment of clarity that he’d gone over the edge. He…never touched mom again… not physically, although he tortured her mentally day in and day out by refusing to acknowledge me, and treating us both like crap."

Jace ran her fingers through Taryn’s hair. She kissed the soft hair and muttered soothing words of acceptance and love. After a few minutes of loving touches, Jace decided to ask the question that had been on her mind. "Taryn, when Patrick hit you on Thanksgiving, you made a comment that you couldn’t believe he’d hit you again. When did he hit you before?"

Taryn moved slightly away from Jace, but still kept the contact. "When I was little, around Tom’s age, I had no idea who Patrick was. He was just a man that never smiled, who lived in our house. I would run up to him sometimes, he’d glare or shout at me, and I’d run screaming to my mom or gram. As I grew older, I began to work things out. All the kids at school had daddies, and I wanted one. I knew gram and gramps weren’t my mother’s parents. I’d been to Ireland and met my other grandparents. One night, I overheard my grandfather shouting at Patrick and demanding he accept his responsibilities as a father. After that I was so excited. I didn’t understand how it all worked; after all, I was just a child. I had no ideas how you became a daddy or a mommy. I thought Patrick had been sent to be my daddy. But when I began calling him daddy, he would yell and scream at my mother, telling her to make me stop. I didn’t get it." Taryn took a deep breath, the pain of those early years still fresh in her mind.

"Taryn, you were a kid just trying to make sense of the world. Then what happened?"

The blonde woman looked up and saw the tears glistening on Jace’s cheeks. "You’re crying?" She stated. "I didn’t want to make you cry."

Jace pulled Taryn to her. She held onto the tiny body, needing to feel the young woman; wanting the connection as her spirit sympathized. "You didn’t make me cry. I think I’m just beginning to come to terms with my own loss as a child. Hearing your story makes me realize in a bizarre and fucked up way that my childhood could have been worse. I guess I’m just feeling your pain, but it’s not your fault. So what happened when you called him daddy?" Jace grabbed the box of Kleenex, and offered one to Taryn before taking one herself.

Taryn took a tissue and blew her nose. She wiped her face and tried to gather some strength in the fact that she wasn’t alone. "One day I came home, and it was only a few days until Father’s Day. We’d made cards in school. I had been so happy that year because it had been the first time I had a father to make a card for. I presented him with the card and he tore it to shreds. I couldn’t understand why, I must have been the dumbest kid on the block. I cried, and he told me to stop, but I couldn’t. So he shook me really hard. When I didn’t stop crying he slapped me across the face, and then he told me not to tell anyone or he’d do it again even harder. I never did tell anyone until now."

Jace rubbed Taryn’s back. Words were useless. There was nothing she could say to take away the hurt. All she could do was try and encourage Taryn to talk about the past and maybe then they could both work on the future.

Taryn leaned into the contact. The soothing circles on her back calmed her and she settled against the tall woman. "After a few more of his ‘lessons’, I learned never to call him daddy or tell anyone who he was. When I entered my teenage years he backed off. It helped that we moved out of the house, but I think I scared him a little. I was a sullen and sulky teenager, and very headstrong. He knew I was old enough to understand that what he did was wrong. He would make comments and would taunt my mother telling her I was evil. When he found out I was gay, he had a field day telling my mother that she’d brought this deviant into the world because she hadn’t been woman enough for him. I don’t know how I feel anymore…he’s just a fucked up person. All those years of wishing he would accept me as his daughter…and now, I just want him to disappear. You know, I’ve often dreamt that things could be so different, that my mother lived and he died. Does that make me a bad person?"

Jace wiped a hand over her face, "No. Those thoughts have gone through my head a few times. Why does God take the good ones and leave the bad? I like to believe it’s because he needs more angels. I have to believe that…otherwise I’d give up on any belief in God."

"I hope so." Taryn closed her eyes. She actually felt a little better. Her mind wasn’t as cluttered. In fact, she felt a sense of relief that she’d finally told someone. She felt even better that it was Jace. The older woman hadn’t judged her, hadn’t got angry, and had in her own way understood.

Jace massaged the back of Taryn’s neck with one hand, and continued to hold the other woman’s hand with her own. She could feel the rigidity slowly seep out of Taryn’s body, and saw a more peaceful expression appear on Taryn’s tear strained face. "Feels good, doesn’t it?"

Taryn opened her eyes. "Yes. A little. Is this how you felt the other week?"

Jace nodded. "Yeah. I didn’t have such a weight around my neck. Now I can’t believe I had walked around with such an attitude. I keep thinking if I’d sucked it up and seen a counselor then maybe I’d have gotten it all out sooner. Maybe, then I’d have let others in more."

Taryn chewed on her bottom lip listening to Jace’s comments. "I don’t know. I saw a counselor through high school. It didn’t help because I didn’t want it to. I had my mom, Jane and my grandparents to turn to, but I didn’t. I guess I had to be ready to accept it and move on. Marti was the beginning of my big realization. When we had that talk and you told me to be careful, I knew I couldn’t stay in the relationship. Patrick’s behavior at Thanksgiving was the catalyst for getting me to think about what I wanted. And then losing my own temper and aiming all my anger at you was the breaking point. I nearly threw this away." She waved her arm between them.

Jace instinctively kissed the top of Taryn’s head as if it were the most natural thing on earth for her to do. "But you didn’t. I did. But we’re over all that crap…just promise you won’t run away in the morning."

"I promise. Speaking of morning, if we don’t go to bed now we’re going to regret it tomorrow. The kids get up very early! I wanted to throttle Taylor this morning when I realized it was only five o’clock!" Taryn looked at the sofa. She really didn’t want to be alone. She felt safe in Jace’s arms and the thought of going to sleep was scaring her. Dreamtime was when the demons chose to taunt her.

Jace released her hold on Taryn, stretched, and then stood up, towering over the smaller woman. "It’s becoming a habit of mine leaving you to sleep on the couch." Jace pointed to the blankets and pillows near Taryn. "I made sure you had some proper pillows tonight, and the comforter is down by the side of the sofa if you get cold." She turned away, knowing she could come back later when Taryn was asleep and check to see that she was okay. She’d done it several times before.

Taryn looked up at Jace’s retreating form, the dim light of the TV giving her an ethereal shadow. "I…I’m a little scared…would you stay with me? Hold me until I fall asleep."

Jace froze to the spot. She could hear the desperation in Taryn’s voice, and knew it must have been hard for the stubborn woman to admit she needed support. She would just be returning the same comfort that Taryn had once given her. Sure – but then you weren’t even conscious she was holding you. "Okay…just let me use the bathroom."

Taryn nodded, and dropped her head to her hands, and rubbing her sore eyes. Slowly, she stood up and walked through the dark house until she reached the bathroom.

You can do this! Jace admonished herself. She just wants support! How hard can it be! You’ve just spent over an hour holding her and you felt nothing but compassion. She’s your friend –you can do this! Her conscience yelled at her. Jace shook her head and walked out of the bathroom door, smacking into Taryn’s shadowy body.

"I’m sorry, Jace. I should have warned you I was here." Taryn mumbled.

"No worries." Jace’s eyes followed Taryn into the bathroom and then the bathroom door shut out the object of her vision. She could hear Taryn running the water and knew the blonde was probably trying to wash the tears away. She heard the flush of the toilet, and the tinkling of toothbrush on glass. Finally, after a few minutes the bathroom door opened and Taryn walked out dressed in her pajamas. "Hey." Jace said, unsure what to say.

"Hey." Taryn went to walk by Jace.

"Hold on, Taryn." Jace put her hand out to prevent Taryn going too far. "I think we need a good night’s sleep. We won’t get that sleeping on the sofa, and I want to support you...be your friend…I think we should sleep in my bed?" Jace had never shared her bed with anyone, not even as a child. This was a huge step for her.

The blonde nodded her head, relieved that Jace wasn’t turning her away. She didn’t need rejection tonight; she needed acceptance. "Sure."

The pair walked into the dark bedroom, Jace switched her bedside lamp on and then pulled down the comforter. Awkwardly, she crawled into her bed, and waited as Taryn took her position on the left side of her. Jace could feel the sudden shift between them. On the sofa, her ministrations had been instinctive and natural, one person supporting another. But here in her bed, her mind was no longer on supporting the blonde. All she could feel was the awkwardness of her body, the uncertainty of what she should do, and the things she knew her body wanted to do, but couldn’t.

Taryn had also felt the change in atmosphere. Jace’s usually relaxed demeanor was gone and in its place was a certain discomfort. Taryn rolled onto her side. In the glow of the nightlight, she could make out Jace’s clenched facial features. The woman who had comforted her minutes before was gone, and all Taryn could feel was the nervousness radiating off the taller woman. "Are you okay?" Taryn asked tentatively. "You seem a little nervous."

Jace turned to smile stiffly at Taryn. "Remember what you said last time about how it wasn’t everyday you had your employer sitting on your bed in her pajamas?" She saw Taryn nod. "Well, it’s even weirder having my employee lying in my bed."

Taryn returned the smile. "I remember. But, Jace, I’m not your employee at the moment…I’m your friend and I need a hug."

That comment spurred Jace into action. Without thinking, she opened her arms and waited for the blonde to snuggle up to her. She pulled Taryn close and waited for the younger woman to get settled. Taryn’s body pressed along the length of Jace’s left side. The dark haired woman’s lips touched the top of Taryn’s head. Jace felt the heat rise in her body. What was supposed to be a comforting moment was turning Jace’s mind to mush. Her center throbbed and she wasn’t sure she was going to survive the encounter without imploding.

"How’s this?" Taryn mumbled lazily into Jace’s chest.

"Good." Croaked Jace, unable to relieve the pressure building in her body, and feeling the feather light touch of Taryn’s breath on her breast. Her body trembled and she struggled to disguise these tremors.

Taryn felt the taller woman shudder and instinctively moved away. "What’s up?"

Jace was thankful that the room was dark as she could feel the blush rising up her neck. For Christ’s sake, you’re an adult act like one! Jace tried to control her body’s reactions and hoped she wasn’t going to explode in Taryn’s arms. She looked into Taryn’s concerned eyes, knowing the truth was impossible but a lie would be worse. "I’ve never shared my bed with anyone…I’m a little unsure how I’m feeling."

Taryn shook her head. "I’m sorry, Jace. I didn’t mean to invade your space. I can sleep on the couch."

Jace held onto Taryn not wanting her to leave. "I’m okay." She knew she’d get no sleep if Taryn slept wrapped around her, breathing on her body, but she didn’t want Taryn to leave completely. "If you roll over, I could hold you and still have my own space, if that’s okay?"

Taryn could see by the lines on Jace’s face and the tense body in her arms that Jace was feeling threatened by their closeness. She tried to think back to the first time she’d shared her bed with a friend and how uncomfortable the experience had been at the beginning. "Sure. Goodnight, Jace. Thanks." She kissed the petrified woman’s cheek, and turned her impish smile to the wall.

Jace raised her hand and touched her cheek. The feeling of those soft lips on her was seared on her brain. "Night, Ryn." She pulled Taryn’s body to her and tried to clear her mind of anything other than holding onto the sensation.

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