Chapter 10
After showering, Cory made her way to the office, she was nervous. Would JJ have received the mail? Would she feel the same? Cory’s hands were shaking as she booted up the computer and waited patiently for the system to come online. She downloaded her mails and scanned her inbox; there was no mail from JJ.
Cory’s mind went into overload, out loud she murmured, “Shit, shit and more shit, I’ve scared her off!” She sat staring at the screen, of all the times to have sent her running. After an endless amount of staring, Cory’s mind began to replay the last mail JJ had sent - she was going out of town! That had to be the reason for the missing mail; JJ couldn’t get to a computer! Slowly a smile crept onto her face and her heart filled with a little bit of hope. She hadn’t lost her friend after all.
The day passed slowly, too slowly for Cory’s liking. Sam had disappeared for 4 hours and had arrived back in high spirits. They’d decided to pay a visit to Cory’s parents so she could spend some valuable time with her granddad. He’d looked well and the love and coddling her mum was giving him seemed to be working. They’d stayed a few hours but had then returned, as Cory needed to make sure she had her work planned for the coming week.
She’d spent about an hour on her lesson plans but her mind had wandered, she found the focus of her attention always drifted to the same image; the same person and the same blue eyes that seemed to lift her soul and call to her. She missed JJ, one day without mail and she missed her, she glanced up at the screen. ‘Maybe there'd be a mail,’ she thought, ‘no harm in trying.’
As the emails came down, she spotted a mail from JJ but it had a different home address, with fear and a lot of curiosity she opened it.
JJ@hotmail.com Hey There
Surprise!!! So how did the celebrations go??? I can’t get to my normal email right now and I just wanted to send a quick one to let you know I am okay. I thought you might be worried although I did say I was going away. The game went well – we won and the coach has decided we are staying around here for a few days to train and practice against these guys. She had hinted a few weeks ago so I booked my holiday time off work. There are only a few of the players that have commitments at home and if I were honest Cory, a little bit of time away from Sarah would be nice.
We’re not getting on, things have changed, and I can’t explain it to her as I don’t understand it myself but I need some time to think and this trip is the ideal opportunity. I’ve borrowed a friend’s laptop hence the new address for a while. I can’t promise regular mails as she is going back to town tonight but I’ll try.
I have next week off too – I am trying to decide where to go and what to do!! I have money saved and fancy a trip abroad! So I did think about the UK!! I know it’s short notice but you did say half term is next week and I need to take my holiday – anyway it was just an idea. I should be able to get a last minute flight. So what do you think? Should we meet? I leave the answer to you!! I have to go and practice – email at this address, as I won’t be home until Friday.
I’m getting excited and I haven’t even had your answer!!!
Love JJ
Cory stared at the screen, ‘Oh my god she wants to visit!!!!! Shit this could really happen!! Slow down Cory – put your brain in gear she doesn’t know how you feel!! She’s just a friend. You can do this!!!’
Cory hit the reply button and typed her answer; she’d love to meet up with JJ.
After sending the mail she sat back and a million thoughts whirled through her mind, the most important one was JJ and that she needed to talk to someone, and soon.
The week had flown by and as Friday approached, Cory became more and more agitated. She hadn’t heard from JJ, she had sent a daily account of her activities and she knew JJ was busy but the suspense of not knowing if she’d read the email and not knowing if she was really visiting made Cory bundle of nerves. She’d lost her appetite and this had caused much controversy in the staff room, many of them commenting on her being pregnant; Cory had just glared at anyone who had crossed her path. She was hoping that JJ would mail before she went to Ange’s this weekend. She had mentioned JJ’s visit to Sam and asked if it would be okay for JJ to stay with them. Sam had made some sarcastic comment but had agreed all the same, when he’d asked when she was coming Cory had felt a little foolish replying she didn’t know but Sam had put that down to women and their lack of organizational skills. He’d also said he wouldn’t be around much as it was nearing the end of the month and he had his regular monthly sales meeting and would be away one of the nights but at least Cory would have someone to stay and keep her company.
Cory had had an industrious hour, she’d finished packing her weekend bag, hoovered and dusted in case JJ was visiting and had decided to leave the food shopping until she knew what was happening, plus with them not being there it would only go to waste. Sam had taken Holly over to Cory's parents and they were leaving as soon as he returned. Cory checked her mail one last time, she was taking the laptop with her but it couldn’t hurt to keep checking and JJ had said she’d be home by today.
The download set in motion, Cory waited with anticipation. It was there.
JJ@hotmail.com I’m Home!!!!!
Hey Cory,
A million apologies for the lack of communication the coach had us training every minute of the day and there were no computers anywhere in sight!!! My email provider is still down – some poor excuse about technical problems with the mail slot. I have no idea I just hope they sort it out soon!!
I did manage to get to a phone though and I have booked myself on the first flight leaving Sunday morning. I arrive at Heathrow at about 7pm in the evening, so should I get a bus up to the Midlands or book into a hotel?? I know you’re at Ange’s this weekend so let me know. I just figured it might be difficult to get transport on a Sunday.
I have had the most awful row with Sarah, I told her I needed to go away, as I didn’t think we were in love anymore. She threw everything within her reach at me and I have escaped to my friend’s while she calms down.
Needless to say she was less than happy to hear I am going away. She thinks I have met someone else, no amount of denying would have stopped the accusations so I let her throw them all at me. I just hope she leaves my clothes in one piece or I am coming to England butt naked!!
I will be on email all weekend. I hope you and Sam have sorted out your disagreement since the weekend. Is it okay for me to stay? His response didn’t sound too enthusiastic! I have money for hotels if you need me to do that.
I am a little excited, okay I lie, and I am so buzzed. I can’t wait to meet you and put a body and voice to the image I have of you!!
I hope to hear from you over the weekend and I will definitely know times and flight numbers by tomorrow evening.
Your friend
JJ
Cory replied quickly to the mail, reassuring JJ that it was more than okay for her to stay and that most of the time Sam would be working so they would have plenty of time to get to know each other. She explained that as Ange lived near to London she would stay Sunday and they’d pick her up from the airport. As she pressed the send button Sam arrived home so she went downstairs to greet him.
“Were mum and dad okay?” she asked.
“They were fine Cory, your granddad looked a bit pale but your mum thinks he is just tired. I promised them you’d go over on Sunday night when we get back.”
“Oh, erm, Sam I just got a mail from JJ, she’s arriving late Sunday evening. I said we’d pick her up, I mean it’s her first time here and she’ll never get a bus.”
“Cory, of course we’ll pick her up, there’s no way I’d let her wander around a strange country all alone. I may not take much of an interest but I’m not a monster at heart!! Now are you packed and ready to go, we need to hit the road. I’m hoping the traffic will have died down by now and we won’t get any hold ups.
Cory had spent most of the journey trying to organise her thoughts, she had also decided she was going to tell Angela about the situation. She needed to talk to someone about it and she had to tell Angela something she’d hidden from her for over six years. She didn’t know how to tell her but she knew she was ready to admit to her friend who she really was. The question was would Angela understand.
The journey down to the coast took forever, the Friday commuter traffic didn’t help and they sat for ages on the road that circled the capital city of London. They’d broken the journey up by stopping off at the roadside café and Sam was in good spirits despite the traffic. He was looking forward to playing golf with Dave; Angela’s other half. Cory had only half listened to Sam’s excited chatter about his last score at golf. Her mind wasn’t on anything other than JJ. She was still struggling to come to terms with the events of the past 2 weeks; above all she was trying to get a handle on her emotions. All she knew was that being with JJ was of paramount importance and that deep inside she knew her relationship with Sam was over. She needed desperately to talk to someone about it she trusted and she needed to get some of it off her chest before the object of her affections arrived. Maybe talking about it would make it go away or put some sort of different perspective to the situation.
They pulled up outside Angela’s tiny terraced house and were greeted with hugs and small pecks on the cheek. They made small talk in the living room until Angela commented on the dinner in the oven and proceeded to pull her friend into the kitchen area.
“So how’s it going Cory?
“Not bad, it’s hectic at school but it always is this time of year. The children are being pushed so hard to achieve their SATS test results, just so the government can reach their targets. It makes my blood boil! But you know what it’s like!” she grinned at her friend who was also a teacher but in a different year group and didn’t have the pressure of end of key stage assessment tests.
“What about you and Sam? Are you getting more of it?” Angela asked, there were no secrets between friends or so she thought.
“When did we see each other last? Oh yeah just after Christmas. No we haven’t been intimate since Christmas; he’s not interested Angela I keep telling you this! I know it’s a hard concept to take in but I guess I’m not pretty or sexy enough!”
“Rubbish Cory and you know it! Any guy would love to have you in his life and bed. Have you talked to him?” Angela gave Cory a little pat on the arm as she asked.
“I’ve tried a million times Ange and to be honest I’m not bothered any more.”
“Why the change of tune?” Ange was suddenly very interested in her best friend's love life. For years Cory had often complained about Sam’s lack of luster but she’d always wanted it, now after 5 years she’d admitted defeat. This wasn’t like her friend at all. She looked Cory right in the eyes, deep chocolate eyes meeting an emerald gaze. “You and Sam are wonderful together, come on, noone else has ever held your attention for longer than two weeks except Jon and he didn’t know a good thing when he met it.”
At the sound of Jon’s name Cory stood up, it had been 9 years but his name could still make her heart jump, the only person to have had her total trust and heart and the hurt he’d caused still made Cory’s skin turn to ice. She’d vowed never to let anybody get that close again and here she was letting JJ dive right in.
Cory decided now was the time to tell Angela her deepest secret but as she opened her mouth, the lads walked in searching for food and beers. Cory winked at Ange and whispered, “to be continued!”
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The evening went well, they sat and watched videos for most of it. Ange and Dave didn’t have satellite so they missed out on the recent Friends episodes and Sam and Cory always taped them and brought them down whenever they visited. By 11pm Cory was snuggled up fast asleep her mind 3000 miles away. She vaguely remembered being told it was time for bed and she found the energy to climb the stairs and fall onto the airbed that was theirs for the weekend. Her mind never leaving a tall, dark haired image that had been her constant source of contentment the past two months. She smiled and then let Morpheus take her into his arms.
She woke covered in sweat, with Sam leaning over her holding her arms by her head.
“Hey baby calm down, shush just a nightmare. No one’s leaving you, stop worrying.”
Cory looked at him her mind was a blank, what was he going on about. “Wha…what did you say?”
“Shush go back to sleep.”
“No, what did you mean by nobody’s leaving me?”
“You were crying out in your sleep and waving your arms about like a possessed person, you kept saying ‘don’t leave me…please take me with you.’ You sounded very panicky; you weren't dreaming about your real father again were you? I thought we got all that sorted?”
“No I don’t think I was, to be honest I haven’t a clue what just happened. I’m all right now; go back to sleep you’ve got an early start in the morning. If I need you I know where you are.” At this Sam turned over and Cory lay staring at the ceiling. Had it been about her father? She’d had these kinds of dreams before but she always remembered them, this one was different. Her mind wandered to JJ; maybe it was nerves. She was meeting her on Sunday maybe she was feeling insecure, a fear of rejection and thus old dreams of her father were haunting her. Maybe JJ wouldn’t like her, wouldn’t want the friendship once she met the real Cory. What if JJ was nothing like she expected, what if it was all in her head and there was no friendship or attraction? Questions tumbled around her mind, they settled on JJ’s last comments about her argument with Sarah. Would Sarah get violent? Would she hurt JJ? Cory’s tummy felt nauseous but there was nothing she could do until morning time so she rolled over and closed her eyes, her mind full of JJ’s latest photo, slowly her breathing evened out and she fell into a deep slumber.
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The next morning Cory felt better but she desperately wanted to mail JJ, just to touch base, make sure she was okay. She made her way in her pyjamas down the stairs to be greeted by Ange and Dave making breakfast.
“Morning sleepy head, did you sleep well?” Ange asked as she passed Cory a steaming cup of tea.
“Like a log!” answered Cory, well there was no need to tell the world it had only been a silly dream after all. She glanced up as Sam came into the dining area.
“That’s a joke isn’t it?” he muttered.
“What is?” asked Cory taking a seat at the table.
“You sleeping like a log last night. I mean usually yes but last night you tossed and turned and then you were shouting out. I’m surprised Ange and Dave didn’t come in to see what was going on. You sounded like someone was attacking you!!”
“You okay Cory?” Ange was now at her side rubbing Cory’s shoulder and looking at her with concern.
“I’m fine. Honestly one bad dream and you think I’m crazy! Must have been the cheese we had at dinner! Now can we forget about it! Ange can I do a download before breakfast?” Ange nodded and Sam tutted, Cory decided to ignore the latter and went to fetch her laptop from the living room. She settled herself by the phone socket and began the booting up process. Ange came to sit by her with a look of concern still on her face.
“You really okay Cory? You’d tell me if something was wrong wouldn’t you?”
Cory looked at her best friend, she had so many emotions running through her mind but her priority was JJ and she just needed five minutes alone time to check and answer her mail. “I’m fine, let me check my mail, I’ll just send a quick reply and then I’m yours for the rest of the day. Deal?”
At this, Ange nodded, she knew Cory wasn’t a morning person at the best of times and the look on her friends face told her that nothing would ever make her friend conversational first thing in the morning. It was weird how a normally very chatty person like Cory could be so different after a night’s sleep. She had always been sullen and non-communicative first thing but today she was very distant. She made a mental note to tackle her friend later when they were on their own.
Cory glanced down the contents of her mailbox, there were well over 200 messages but she was looking for one special name, it didn’t take her long to find it and open it up.
Well I’m assuming you made it safely, I hope so.
My day went okay I didn’t do much after mailing you – I went home, Sarah and I aren’t really talking but I’ll tell you more when I see you tomorrow – that has such a good ring to it!!.
Well have a good weekend – I have packing to do.
In answer to your question from last weekend, Cory, I think in another time and place we would have made a fantastic couple. Who knows what fate has in store for anyone? I do know you are the best friend I have ever had and I can’t wait to meet you too.
Mail me when you can, let me know how it went with Angela.
I missed you last night.
Your friend
JJ
Cory smiled at the mail; they’d made a deal that they’d write a minimal amount so Cory wouldn’t worry about being too busy to reply to it. She felt an emptiness in her heart and she realised it was because this didn’t sound like JJ there was no humour and this worried Cory. She re read it, JJ had finally received her mail and also felt as she did, maybe that was the reason for the lack of humour or maybe things at home were worse than JJ had let on. She missed her friend, it was amazing how attached she had gotten to someone she’d never actually met or talked to but there was something about JJ that drew Cory to her. She replied to the mail asking JJ if everything was okay on her end and adding at the very end how much she missed JJ but one more day and they’d finally meet. She added how scared she was too.
She shut down the computer and went and sat at the dining table. The foursome made polite morning conversation over breakfast, mapping out the forthcoming activities of the day. Dave and Sam were due to tee off in half an hour so they busied themselves getting their clubs ready and Angela and Cory tidied up the dishes and then they went and showered.
Ange had suggested a walk beside the sea and so they dressed in winter woollies and headed off in the car.
“So, shall we continue last night’s conversation Cor?”
“If you want, but I’m not sure you’re going to like what I have to say?”
“Why?”
“Because you love Sam and you want Sam and I to be happy!”
“Yeah but if I’m honest I want the best for you, ultimately you’re my best friend and I love you more. So start talking Williams or I’ll have to torture you!” Ange grinned, silently worried about where this conversation was headed.
“I don’t know where to start,” admitted Cory fiddling furiously with the zip on her fleece jacket.
“Well let’s see where did we get to last night. Oh I know, I was saying you were just getting twitchy because you’ve been with the same person for so long. I mean before Sam you’d only made nine months with another person….”
“No I hadn’t!” interrupted Cory, she took a deep breath and looked at her friend who had a very questioning and puzzled look on her face.
“Hold on I’ve known you ten years, you hadn’t had a long relationship before college and Sam is the only serious fellow you’ve been with since college. Isn’t he?
“Yes, he is the only serious relationship I’ve had since college.” Cory knew what the next question was going to be before Ange asked it.
“So how can there have been anyone else? I don’t understand what you’re trying to say. I mean, you went with Jon at the end of the first year until half way through the second. You were too upset to date the rest of the second year and through the third and fourth years I lived with you. I think I’d have noticed someone hanging around a lot, I mean for God’s sake Cor, we had to go through your bedroom to get to the bathroom and there was hardly ever a guy in there. I think I only remember you bringing Spencer home to stay and you ended that suddenly. I mean the only other people in your bed a lot were Deb and me!” Ange looked at Cory as she said this last line and as she watched the blush on her friend's face appear, the penny dropped.
Cory could practically hear the clang as alarm bells were ringing in her friend’s mind. She continued to look at Ange; her friend seemed to be struggling with this new revelation. Shit, what was she supposed to say now?
“So, I guess I don’t need to tell you who it was or when it was.” Cory said shuffling on the spot; she’d never seen Ange so speechless and she didn’t know what to say, I mean, she’d just dropped two bombshells on her friend's shoulder. One that she’d had a romance with a woman and two she’d hidden it from her.
Finally, Ange spoke, “I knew you guys were close, I mean there’d been gossip around college, the amount of time you two spent together, the fact you slept in the same bed a lot and you never hung out with guys but Carol, Frankie and I just dismissed these rumours and backed up your honour. Didn’t you trust us? How long were you an item? I need a stiff drink Cor!” Ange pointed to the nearby pub and Cory nodded her head. They walked there in silence, all the way Cory kept going over what she would say to Ange, she’d have to talk about Deb of course but how much and would her friend understand and still be her friend. A nervous panic gripped her chest like a vice and Cory felt out of control.
Well, she had to come out of the closet and the best start was to tell her best friend. She had no doubt her announcement that she liked women wasn’t what was upsetting Ange, it was more the fact that she’d not told her about it, she looked at her friend, she was unusually quiet and looking very grim.
As they continued their walk Cory kept glancing at her friend, she wanted to say something but what? She decided to let Ange lead the conversation and so she waited until they were settled in the pub with a pint of Guinness and lager in front of them.
“So you going to let me in on this big secret or keep it from me for another 6 years!” the sarcasm dripping from her friend’s lips.
Cory shifted in her seat, she’d never seen her friend so angry but then if the tables were turned she’d feel just as betrayed.
“I was scared Ange. I wanted to tell you, in fact I did a few years ago but we were so drunk after drinking 4 bottles of wine that you never remembered and well, it never seemed to come up again. I mean I’d met Sam and figured it was just a phase I’d been going through. Now I know different.”
“So how long were you and Deb an item?” asked Ange, smiling slightly more in disbelief at her own naivety than at Cory and Deb’s relationship.
“Beginning of our fourth year and a few months after college.” Cory replied, “It just happened. Remember that Tequila night at our house when we invited Deb’s house to join in. Well, later on when we were all in the C & A absolutely pissed up, I was talking to Deb as she was so down and something I said made her run out and I followed her. She was crying and I hugged her and then we kissed and well it was a light being ignited in my mind and body. I was shocked and the next morning I felt so sick not just because of the alcohol but about the activities of the night before.”
“Well that explains Spencer’s hasty demise. I always wondered about that, he was the first guy you got close to after Jon and then with a click of the fingers he was gone.” Ange looked at her friend and could see she was having difficulty with this conversation. “Cory, I’m not going to stop being your best friend, yes I’m shocked, yes I’m upset but more because you kept it from me for so long.”
“I know, I wanted to tell you, and Deb wanted me too, but I was scared, confused…I don’t know, I’ve known all my life that I like both sexes. I know that men find me attractive and I’ve tried so hard to try and fit in and be ‘normal’ but when Deb came along she opened feelings in me that I’d never felt before not even with Jon. I mean I loved Jon so much but I loved Deb in such a different way. We were friends and lovers.” At the use of this word Cory could see her friends eyes open wider and her jaw drop.
“Oh come on Ange she practically lived with us. You said it yourself you had to go through the room to get to the bathroom. You’re telling me you never thought about why she spent so many nights at our place?”
“I am feeling very naïve and stupid at this moment in time! I just thought she was having a pretty rough time where she lived and you two got on so well. I just put it down to the fact that whilst everyone else in the group had long term boyfriends and you’d sworn off them. I mean we shared a bed loads of times. I guess I must have been a laughing stock to you and Deb.
“Never. Not once did we ever think that. I went through hell trying to be one person for Deb and then trying to be a different person to you guys. I just didn’t know what I wanted. I loved Deb and we were good but she wanted me to tell the world and well I wasn’t ready for that. I was confused, so very confused and I didn’t want to be rejected by you and the others. I’d heard your comments about the few couples we had in the girl’s football team. I guess I was chicken. I’m sorry Ange. I’ll never keep anything from you again.”
Ange looked up she could see the turmoil going through her friends mind and knew that Cory would never have kept this from her had she not had good reason to. “So why did you break up then? I mean if it was so good, why?”
“Well, when we left college, I was so into my new job and getting the work done it was a hard few months and I was back living at home. Deb was at college and well we just grew apart. She wanted me to make a commitment and I wasn’t ready. I guess she got bored and she found someone else.” Cory looked up a tear trickling down her cheek.
“Oh Cory, you went through that alone. You could have talked to me. I would have listened and tried to understand. I’m just shocked. I had no idea you liked girls, I thought it’d always been guys for you. I mean you sure went through your fair share!” Ange winked at this comment and was pleased to see a smile adorn her friend's face.
“I’ve had my doubts since secondary school. I mean I liked boys but I had the biggest crush on my PE teacher, she was the reason why I stayed on after we turned 16, she was the reason I went to college. I just put it down to that and I knew men turned me on and stuff but occasionally I’d meet a woman and we’d get on so well I just wanted to be with them. Then Deb came along and well, the responses my body had to her touch made me realise that I liked both. I’m bisexual; there you go I’ve said it out loud. I just pushed those feelings away after college; I mean I never met anyone who made me feel that way and then I met Sam and I began doubting what or who I was. Then we got together and it was nice but as the years have gone on and the intimacy isn’t there, well I’m having my doubts.” Cory downed the rest of her pint and held the glass up and nodded to Ange to see if she wanted another one.
“Go on then I feel like I need another, what a bombshell still I bet you feel better! No more skeletons in the closet then!” Ange chuckled at her own joke and Cory just laughed and sauntered off to the bar.
Whilst there, she reflected on the conversation, it had gone better than she’d expected and Ange seemed happier so did she say something about JJ now or wait for Ange to ask. No, she’d tell her friend, she couldn’t keep any more secrets from her and she was dying to express her feelings for JJ out loud. She trusted Ange’s judgement and she wanted to sound Ange out about things. She paid for the beers and made her way to the corner of the pub where she found her friend fiddling with the beer mats.
“Hey you know ripping beer mats is a sign of sexual frustration don’t you? Want me to have a word with Dave?”
Ange tried to throw a punch at Cory but she missed and ended up overbalancing and nearly falling on the floor!
“Cheers!” Cory held her glass up and clinked her glass with Ange’s.
“Here’s to no more secrets!” Ange held her glass up and large gulp just as Cory opened her mouth.
“Ange I have another secret to tell you.”
Ange spluttered and choked on the mouthful, “Bloody hell Cor, what can you possibly have secret now. You’re not pregnant are you? You promised me you’d be my bridesmaid in July. I swear if you’re not there beside me on that day I’ll never speak to you again!”
“Ange which part of our conversation haven’t you been listening to! It'd have to be the bloody Immaculate Conception for me to be pregnant! No I am not and not likely to be. I’ve met someone.”
At this statement Ange did choke and it took a few moments of vigorous coughing and back patting before she regained her composure. “You’re not joking are you?"
“No, I’m very serious.”
“How long have you known him?” Ange looked at her friend and noticed that Cory had begun fidgeting again.
“You definitely have not been paying attention today my friend. After our last conversation you still assume it’d be a guy!”
“Oh shit Cory, just habit I guess. So it’s a woman then?”
Cory took a deep breath, here goes; “Yes it’s a woman.”