May -

Rayven hated doctor's offices. She hated the paper gown, the chilly room and the table high enough that her legs dangled in space, making her feel like a child instead of a twenty-nine year old pregnant woman. She hated the cold instruments, the plastic gloves and the cold slimy gel. She hated spreading herself so some stranger could see her most intimate parts.

That thought brought another to her mind; the last time she was intimate with anyone was with Jaxon almost nine years ago. After October 9th, she didn't feel anything; she didn't want companionship or sex. She'd shut off her emotions and buried herself in her career.

Tired of sitting on the cold table, Rayven scooted off and moved to a small chair next to the door, careful to keep the paper gown tucked around her. Picking up a copy of American Homes that someone had left behind, she started thumbing through it. As she became absorbed in an article on remodeling your kitchen she began to see in her mind's eye the way she wanted the old yellow house to look.

She was good with her hands; Jaxon and she had built their first tree house together, then they built a clubhouse and finally they had remodeled their home together. "Damn. Why does everything center around Jaxon?"

"Excuse me!" A deep voice pulled her from her thoughts. She looked up and met a pair of light gray eyes.

"Oh sorry, I was reading about remodeling my kitchen." Rayven replied as she stood and walked back over to the tall table.

"How are you feeling, Mrs. McEllis?" Dr. Dalton asked as he flipped through her chart. "Your blood pressure looks much better."

Rayven gave the doctor a smile. The doctor was an older gentleman with white hair and light gray eyes; he had a fatherly nature about him, which pleased her. "I feel fine, a little tired."

"That is to be expected. Is this your first pregnancy?" Dr. Dalton laid down her chart on the counter as he moved to stand at the foot of the table, motioning her to slide down and put her feet into the stirrups.

"Yes." Rayven hated this next part but knew it was necessary for the health of her baby.

"Try to relax, this won't take but a minute."

It was at times like this that Rayven wondered why she wanted to be pregnant.

<<<

Jaxon sat on the edge of another fire camp watching an eerie red glow spread across the night sky. Smoke hung thickly in the night air. Sixteen hours of abusing her body in every conceivable way should have made certain that she could sleep, but she couldn't.

With the fire now contained to a very small area, tomorrow Jaxon would begin the task of mop-up. Though tedious, mop-up was as necessary and vital as the initial attack on a fire. If all the embers were not extinguished, the fires could re-ignite. Even so, checking for the hidden embers was not only the least favorite part of the job, but it also played hell on her back.

Taking a sip of campfire coffee, she wondered how Donald was doing. Had he found apples in that old orchard on the Sleepy Springs Ranch? The orchards held many memories, some good and some bad - like the day Rayven got hurt:

On the evening of their seventeenth birthday they took a walk up to the orchards since it was a private place. Jaxon laughed, remembering how she couldn't wait to have some private time with Rayven. She had wanted to kiss her all day, but they never could find time alone.

With Rayven pressed up against the side of a small tree Jaxon began nibbling kisses down the side of her lover's neck, then turned her head so she could press her mouth against the pounding pulse at the base of the smaller woman's throat.

Driven by her own need, Rayven answered Jaxon's caress, her kisses, making her own passionate demands, so that Jaxon, too, was soon moaning for more.

Jaxon started to lift Rayven up so shorter legs could wrap around her waist; she wanted to feel Rayven's heat against her muscular stomach. The motion caused Rayven to push back against the tree. Unfortunately, the tree was quite dead. When she pushed back, she jarred the tree, which made the upper portion snap off and fall right on Rayven's head, knocking them both to the ground.

"Rayven," she screamed as she scrambled to get up. "Rayven, sweetheart, let me see," Jaxon pleaded. Her fingers shook as she tried to move the smaller woman's hand, which covered her injury and look at her scalp. She felt sick as the blood gushed from under Rayvens fingers.

"I'm okay, but it hurts," she said quietly.

Rayven didn't look okay at all. "Sure you are. I can see blood dripping out from between your fingers." Stomach heaving, Jaxon gently loosened Rayven's fingers from her bleeding cut. "You know how much head wounds bleed. It's probably only a scratch and will stop as soon. . ." She parted the golden blond hair to get a better look. "Uh-oh," she whispered. "I think any plans we might have had for the rest of the night will have to be put on hold, honey."

The cut showed the white bone of her scalp, and Jaxon realized that Rayven would need stitches to close it. "We need to take you to the emergency room." She tried to sound reassuring.

"I'm sure I'll be fine, sweetheart." Rayven's voice sounded fainter. "I'm just a little dizzy; let me rest here for a few minutes."

Tearing off part of her shirt, Jaxon pressed it against the wound. Blood was starting to drip down the side of Rayven's beautiful face and into her ear, pooling into a puddle on the ground. "I can't take the chance of moving you. You may have other injuries. I'll run and get help. Keep pressure on the cut. It will help stop the bleeding."

"Okay," Rayven relaxed back against the hard pack earth.

"I love you, sweetheart. I'll be right back."

"Love you too."

The cut required thirty-two stitches. The good news was Rayven didn't have a concussion, but she did have one hell of a headache. After arriving home, Jaxon helped Rayven into bed. She tucked her in and sat down in the chair next to the bed, holding the small hand gently in her larger one. She was determined not to sleep or take her eyes off the love of her life.

"You could crawl in here, too," she whispered, gently tugging on Jaxon's hand.

"Your parents?"

"Jaxon," Rayven's mother's voice came from the doorway.

Jaxon jerked and dropped Rayven's hand. Moving to stand, she was pushed back down by Mrs. McEllis's warm hand on her shoulder.

"Mom, please let Jaxx stay."

Sitting on the edge of the bed, Mrs. McEllis took Rayven's hand then reached for Jaxon's. Gripping them gently, she looked at the young women. "We know, girls." She spoke softly.

Rayven and Jaxon glanced at each other afraid to speak or hope.

"When God brings two people together that share a love as deep and as beautiful as yours, who are we to say it isn't right?" Mrs. McEllis smiled softly. "When you are in our home you are free to be yourselves."

"Mom, are you sure?" Rayven couldn't believe what she was hearing. Her parents accepted her relationship with Jaxon. She glanced at Jaxon and saw tears in her eyes as well.

"Thank you, Mrs. McEllis. I love Rayven with everything I am. I always have and always will."

"I know, honey. You would have to be blind to not see it. However, the outside world, and that includes your parent's Jaxon, will not be so understanding; I fear for your safety and acceptance. Please be careful."

"We will. Thanks Mom. I love you and tell Daddy I love him to." Rayven gave her mother a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

"We love you to, honey, now get some rest." Mrs. McEllis stood and left the room closing the door after her.

Jaxon looked up to see a bright smile on her lovers beautiful face.

"Come to bed, honey."

Jaxon stripped down to her underclothes and crawled into the bed, gently folding Rayven into her arms. "I love you. Now and forever," Jaxon whispered.

"Love you," Rayven mumbled as she drifted off to sleep.

Jaxon pulled the blond closer and held her contentedly, but it was a long time before she fell asleep. She sighed and swallowed back tears. Her heart was full of love for the small woman in her arms. She swore to herself to never hurt her.

But. . . but, she had. Wiping the tears from her cheeks, she stood and went to her tent hoping that maybe she could sleep for a few hours.

<<<

"No other house has ever given me the feelings that this old yellow house does," Rayven spoke softly. "Home, that's the feeling. I haven't felt that since I left." She walked aimlessly around the living room, grateful she had decided not to rent the ranch out; instead, she had hired Mr. Gordon to keep an eye on it for her once her Uncle Robert had died two years ago. Since she owned one of the largest ranches in the area, from May through October she rented out a great deal of her high country pastureland to the local ranchers. She was paid $2.32 per cow per month for grazing rights. Over the years, this added up to large sums of money held for her in the local bank. She would have to make the decision to sell, rent or keep the ranch soon.

Her fingers brushed over odds and ends from her childhood. As she stared at the faded, dusty photos of her and Jaxon she wondered if her ex-lover had similar pictures. Rayven reined in her straying thoughts with the ease of too much practice. She buried her sensual response to the memories so automatically that she didn't even notice it. She had tried to date other women since Jaxon had betrayed her so completely, but she had not been able to respond to them. Because she froze when they attempted intimate touches, she assumed she was emotionally dead. She hadn't been that way with Jaxx, but then, Jaxon was her soul mate, friend and wife. She had loved the blue-eyed goddess before she had learned any defenses against love. It was different now. She was very well defended. She had the best teacher: Jaxon Segreto.

The early spring wind was blowing silky and warm and she hadn't been riding in years. She had seen a few horses grazing around the pastures when she arrived. She had asked the doctor if riding a horse or mountain climbing would harm the baby and he had advised her against riding a horse as it would be very unwise and could cause her to lose the child. He didn't see any harm with her climbing mountains for a couple more months.

He said she could ride an ATV as long as she was careful; it wouldn't be too long until she wouldn't be able to do that either. After leaving the doctor's office she went immediately to 'Play Dirty', the local retail store for ATV's. With the purchase of a sky blue ATV and trailer she also received riding instructions, helmet, gloves and goggles.

She would get the ATV from the barn, where it was being stored, and ride over the meadows and hidden valleys that made up the Sleepy Springs. She would say hello to the land she loved.

Outside, Rayven saw the signs of disrepair that had come in the years since her mother had left the ranch. Her Mom deteriorated so quickly after her father's death that she had to be placed in a retirement home. Rayven had felt bad about not being there for her mother but the doctor had said she'd lost the will to live and he didn't believe Mrs. McEllis even knew Rayven when she'd come to visit.

During Rayven's last visit, a few weeks before her mother died, the only thing her mother said to her was, "The answers are in the attic."

The small woman never did understand what her mother meant, but it wasn't uncommon for her mother to say odd comments. She decided, when she had a chance, she would search the attic to see if she could find a reason for her mother's odd and last living statement.

The mare that came at Rayven's whistle was an old friend from her youth. "You remember me, Dusty," murmured Rayven, rubbing the mare's ears. She was given the mare on her eighteenth birthday.

The horse bumped her nose softly against Rayven's shirt and blew warm streams of air over her neck.

"Hi there, old girl," Rayven laughed.

She fished around in her pocket until she found the rawhide strings she always carried when on the ranch. With flying fingers, she bound her hair in a single long braid, tied it and flipped it over her shoulder.

As she walked to the barn, she looked around several times, feeling as though someone were nearby. It wasn't an uneasy or frightening feeling. Yet every time she looked around, the countryside was empty of all but a few horses, cattle grazing and far off a small group of white tail deer.

Rayven was drawn to the tack room where she automatically checked the saddles and all the straps for wear. There were several new buckles and webbing. The gear was carefully reconditioned, all of it, from the headstall to the saddlebags. "Well, Dusty." She spoke to her old friend that had followed her. "We owe somebody a double batch of chocolate chip cookies."

Dusty flicked one ear back then the mare's ears shot forward. At the same time, Rayven heard a rustle in the hay off to the side of the barn.

"You can come out; I know you're there," she said in a voice full of authority she didn't feel.

A short time later, a young boy, about three feet tall maybe seven or eight years old, stepped from around a stack of hay. "I didn't mean any harm," he said shyly.

"Come over here so I can see you better."

The boy walked over and stood in front of her, his eyes looking at the barn floor.

Rayven reached out and lifted his chin. The boy's eyes were as green as hers and his hair was short, golden blond and curly. She was looking at a child that could very well be considered her own son. The comparison was amazing. She gasped in wonder. "Hi," was all she could say.

"I was going to say that the cookies would be mine and my mom's."

Cookies, what is he talking about. "Cookies?" she repeated.

"Yeah, the chocolate chip cookies you said you would give to the person who fixed your tack."

Rayven laughed and let her hand fall to her side. "So you and your Mom fixed my saddles."

"Yep, they were real bad."

"Thank you. What are you doing here? Are you all alone?"

"I have permission," he readily stated. "Mrs. Daily knows I'm here."

"Oh, Okay. So why are you here?"

"To pick apples."

"In the barn? Shouldn't you be at the orchard?" Rayven laughed. The boy was adorable.

Shuffling his feet he said, "Yes. . . but. . . I like the barn too. I planned on going to the orchard soon."

"You ride?"

"Yep, Ginger is tied up out back."

"I wanted to take a ride around the ranch and check it out but I'm pregnant and can't ride a horse right now, so I'll have to take the ATV," she said while motioning towards her new purchase. "You wanta come with me?"

"Sure. I'll meet you out front, I'll let Ginger graze until we get back." The boy took off like a flash of lightening out the back.

"I wonder to whom he belongs and why he looks like me," she thought as she maneuvered the ATV out of the barn. Rayven looked up and saw the boy coming around the corner of the barn.

"I'm ready," he said as he ran up next to her.

After handing him a helmet and goggles she said, "Hop on and let's go."

Without hesitation, Rayven took the trail that would take them to the old orchard.

They rode silently for a few moments before a young voice asked. "Why you here on Sleepy Springs?"

"I needed a vacation and this place was available." Rayven decided that until she knew more about the boy and what she was going to do, she wasn't going to disclose any information. She wanted her stay here to be quiet and relaxing. She also knew her Aunt wouldn't tell anyone that her perverted niece had come home.

"Oh," He was quiet for a second then asked, "Does the owner know? Cause Mom never said anything about someone being here."

"Yes, the owner knows." Oh yeah, the owner knows since I am the owner.

"Oh, Okay then I guess it's all right."

As they were walking around the old orchard Rayven asked, "What's your name?"

"Donald, but my friends call me Donny."

"What do I call you?" Rayven smiled. She liked the kid and it was nice to have some company. His expressions were so clear to read. It was amazing to Rayven. She knew the moment he found his answer.

The lady seems nice- maybe she could be a friend. Mrs. Daily is old and doesn't play with me. Maybe this lady will play with me. She's let me ride with her. Mrs. Daily doesn't. Mom rides. "You can call me Donny," he answered, appearing pleased with his answer. "What's yours?

"Donny it is." She smiled and winked at the boy. "Call me Erica."

Later that evening Rayven made herself a cup of herbal tea and carried it out to the porch. She went back in for a long sleeved shirt before snuggling down in the comfortable rocker that her Mom used to rock in for hours as she watched the setting sun. She was smiling and feeling very happy. It was a great day. They spent a short time at the orchard, rode the surrounding trails across the meadows then stopped at one of the many creeks on the ranch to dip their feet in the chilly water. They had laughed; told each other stories and Rayven realized that by having Donny with her, the memories of the past didn't haunt her as often. She tucked her feet under her and sipped her herbal tea while listening to the night noises. The clatter of frogs sounded more like locusts than the deep-throated croak one expected, and she could hear the howl of coyotes off in the distance. She sat and looked into the forest for a while, remembering how she used to try to look into its depth, learn its secrets and become a part of her surroundings. At the edge of the tree line she noticed movement, looking closer she saw a red fox poked his nose out from behind a branch. Laughing softly she realized she was free to enjoy the clean mountain air, soft grasses and clear blue skies. For the first time in years her soul felt at peace.

<<<

Once the dishes were done and the kitchen cleaned for the evening, Jaxon moved into the living room and flopped onto the couch. The TV was on, and for a moment, she found herself distracted by a commercial about hot-air ballooning, something she'd always wanted to try.

"Hey, Donny," Jaxon called. "You want to go to the rookie training school with me this weekend?"

Donny came back into the room, fixing a strap on his backpack. "No, I want to go to Mrs. Daily's," he answered with excitement in his voice and a sparkle in his eye.

Jaxon looked at her son, wondering why he was so excited about staying with the older woman. "Why, son?"

"Mom, this weekend is when Sleepy Springs does the branding."

"I always help with that, why did I forget this year?" She felt mortified. She also didn't like people walking around where her heart lay. Trampling over her memories and acting like it was simply another ranch and another day's work. For years, she had taken charge of what needed done around the ranch; this year she couldn't. Since she took over being Chief of the Blue Mountain Smokies, there was no time left for what she considered her responsibility and privilege.

"Sorry, Donny, I forgot." She whispered, her eyes clouded with sadness. "The Director scheduled the S-100 Course for this weekend; I can't change it."

"Mom, it's Okay. I'll stay out of the way like you taught me." Donny thought his Mom was sad because they wouldn't be spending time together. They always worked together taking care of the ranch. "Besides, in a couple of months haying season begins. You never miss that." He finished fixing the strap and went back to his bedroom.

The earlier forest fire incident almost had her. She'd almost died. If it wasn't for Rayven's voice she would have. She needed to make sure this didn't happen again, for herself and her son. She rose from the couch and crossed to the window. Placing her hands upon the cool surface of the window, she stared off into the darkness. Maybe the time had come to leave Silver Lake. Maybe the memories wouldn't be so fresh and all consuming if she was somewhere else. She could pack up and take Donny anywhere in the world. Maybe she would go look for Rayven; this time she'd take Donny with her. She had waited almost eight years for Rayven to come home. Maybe it was time to look the other way.

Reaching for the phone she placed a call to the Director of Forest Service and left a voice mail requesting a meeting Monday morning. "It's time," she muttered.

She had hoped that if she stayed here Rayven would someday come back. Feeling depressed she slumped back against the couch, wishing she could turn back the hands of time.

<<<

Mrs. Daily had told him someone was vacationing on the ranch. Since Ms. McEllis hadn't informed him, he felt the need to check it out. He didn't do much around the place; Jaxon Segreto took care of that, but he didn't want his monthly checks to stop. It was the easiest money he'd ever made. Approaching the house Mr. Gordon found a young blond woman wielding a large pair of gardening shears.

He neared the woman. "Ms?" A smile formed on his lips as the short woman tried to reach the last few upper branches of an overgrown bush. Scattered around her feet and across the yard were various pieces of cut greenery, evidence she'd been pruning most of the morning.

"Hey," Rayven screamed as something touched her shoulder. She turned around, her hands clenched.

"Wait, it's Mr. Gordon," John Gordon yelled as he ducked the blow that was aimed for his head.

"Sorry," she muttered. "Don't sneak up on a person like that, it's not nice."

"Listen young lady, I'm watching this place for Ms. McEllis so I have a right," John stated his case with confidence and authority.

"Well I don't like it and you could get hurt." She walked a few steps away and looked at the older man. "Mr. Gordon, how can I help you?" she asked after regaining her composure.

"This ranch belongs to Ms. McEllis and I'm the caretaker. You, my dear lady, are trespassing on private property." John stressed.

Rayven laughed. "Mr. Gordon," she said as she took off her work gloves and held out her right hand, "I am Ms. McEllis."

"You are, not!" He stated forcefully. "You can't be, you're too young, and Ms. McEllis would be almost thirty by now."

"Bite your tongue, Mr. Gordon," she said a little too roughly. "A woman does not like being reminded how she old is." She smiled to take the sting out of her words.

"But. . .But you don't look over twenty-one," he stammered.

Well he certainly is good for my ego, thought Rayven. "Yes, John, I am the one and only Rayven McEllis. I'm sorry I didn't notify you I was coming. It was a spontaneous decision."

"Well, okay then." he muttered, wondering if she was going to stay and his paycheck would stop.

"How did you find out I was here?"

"Mrs. Daily said Donny told her someone was vacationing here."

"Yes, Donny." She should have known the young boy would have to explain why he was gone so long.

"He's a good lad." John came back quickly, not wanting the boy to be in trouble.

"Donny came over a couple of times and we went riding around the ranch. He's a good boy. No harm done." She missed the boy; it had been a week since he had come to visit.

"I suppose since you're here and all, I should tell ya, that the crew will be arriving last Saturday of July at 6 am."

Green eyes went wide, "The crew?"

"The haying crew comes same time every year. Last week of July."

"Yes, of course," she murmured.

Noticing the ring on her finger he hesitatingly asked, "Will your husband be joining the haying team? There's always room for more helpers."

"No. He didn't come with me."

"Why that's a shame." What kind of man would let a beautiful young woman live up here all alone? He watched as she placed a hand over her stomach and rubbed gently. Glancing closer, he could see a slight swell. And a pregnant woman to boot.

"You don't have to help. We have plenty of helpers." He noticed the forlorn look on her face.

"What?" His question brought her back. Why do I keep drifting off like that?

"I said. You don't have to help. Don't want you harming the little one."

Rayven shook her head trying to understand what Mr. Gordon was talking about. Then she noticed where her hand was and what it was doing. Feeling embarrassed, she immediately let her hand fall to her side. "The baby's fine." At a little over four months pregnant, she wasn't very big yet, but if a person looked closely, they could tell she was pregnant. "What is the normal process, Mr. Gordon?"

"To birthin a baby?" he stuttered. "Ms. McEllis I'm a bachelor. I don't know nothin about child birthin."

She laughed. "Mr. Gordon, I was referring to the process of haying. Are things done the same as my father did them or has the process changed?"

He groaned. "The first crew consisting of four workers, which will arrive last week of July, cuts the hay with sickle-bar mowers."

"What do I do while they are here?" she interrupted.

"Why, nothing. They bring their own equipment, do their job and leave."

"Okay, what's next?"

"Three days or so later, more workers use tedder's to turn the hay and expose the green surfaces to speed up the drying process." Seeing she was going to interrupt again he added, "You don't need to do nothin then either."

Rayven chuckled softly.

Taking a deep breath Mr. Gordon continued, "Before the hay is baled, it needs to be raked into windrows so that the baler can follow. Then a pick-up header and a chain conveyor can load the wagons as the tractors are driven down a windrow. Then the hay is stacked in the barn and in several pre-determined locations in the fields, until sold." Smiling as he finished, he was happy he managed to get it out before she interrupted again.

"Now that was quite a speech John." Rayven chuckled. "Why was I never charged for this service?"

"Years ago, your daddy set it in motion when he noticed the other ranchers were having problems feeding their cattle in the winter. It's done as a corroborative effort between the farmers. They harvest the hay in exchange for a split in the yield. Everyone comes out a winner."

"Sounds like a great way to do things John. Would you like to join me for some ice tea?"

"Young lady, that would be a grand idea. Thank you."

<<<

A couple hours after Rayven, Jaxon was already on the road heading to the training center. For the next few days her mission was to prepare six new rookies. The course she taught that weekend consisted of Helicopter Operations, Water Bombing, Fire Behavior, Burnout, Hand Tools, Radio and Personal Safety on the Fireline. Forty percent was classroom and sixty percent was in the field. She sighed and rubbed her neck, moving her head to ease the tight, aching muscles.

"I would rather be driving the cutter or branding cows at Sleepy Springs Ranch," she muttered aloud.

<<<

It was late Sunday afternoon when the last live stockowner left the ranch. The temperature that day had reached record highs. Rayven was hot, sweaty and tired. The noise had been appalling; calves bawling, men swearing, searing sizzles of the brands, deep bellows of the mother cows. Horses snorted and hooves pounded. The stench of burning flesh, blood and sweat mingled with the dust flying in the field that had earlier in the day boasted green grass. The sun beat relentlessly on the scene. Wrinkling her nose in distaste, Rayven wondered once again what she was doing here.

She glanced at Donny who was perched on the coral fence looking as miserable as she felt. "You want to go wading?"

"Yes," he jumped down from the fence and ran over to her.

"We have to take the pickup."

"Okay."

It didn't take long for their boots to be sitting side by side on the bank, once they reached the creek. With her jeans rolled up to her calves, Rayven took the first tentative step. "Ooh, that's cold!"

Donny charged ahead of her, seemingly immune to the icy sting. 'It must be a kid thing,' she thought.

"It feels great." He gave a crooked smile, which surprisingly reminded her of Jaxx.

The water stung and invigorated at the same time. It felt wonderful.

They enjoyed the shade of the trees and the refreshing water for a short time before Donny got restless and started to wade out further into the creek. The stones that lined the creek bed were slippery. She watched the young boy closely as he extended his arms like a tightrope walker to keep his balance. He edged cautiously to the middle of the shallow stream and settled atop a flat boulder that was precisely the right height to allow his toes to dangle in the creek.

With the sinking sun to her back and her feet cooled by the creek, Rayven felt more relaxed than she had in days.

Donny bent over to dip his hands in the water and slipped, falling face first off the boulder into the creek. A yell alerted her to his pain. She quickly but carefully made her way out to the boulder and lifted the boy up, leaning him against the boulder. He was holding his arm and sobbing.

Checking him over Rayven noticed a large bump on his forehead, blood dripping from his nose and an arm that was scratched and swelling. She quickly settled her arm around his waist and helped him to the pickup.

Grabbing their shoes, she rushed to the truck slipping her boots on as she went.

"Hang on, honey. I'll take you to the hospital."

Grabbing her cell phone from its holder on the dash she dialed Mrs. Daily. Speaking clearly but hastily, she told the older woman that Donny had fallen while wadding in the creek and she was taking him to the hospital. She would call her when she has some news. She also asked if the older woman could contact Donny's mother and have her meet them there. Placing the cell phone back in the holder she glanced at the boy that had stolen her heart in such a short time.

"It'll be Okay, honey."

"It hurts." He sobbed quietly.

"It's okay to cry, Donny. Even grownups cry when they are in pain."

<<<

Late Sunday, an extremely tired Chief arrived back in Silver Lake. Walking into Konkville's Bar and Grill she noticed most of her crew were there indulging in the never-ending supply of cold beer and swapping stories, gossip and outright lies. Taking a seat at the battered oak bar next to Jaden, a fellow crewmember and friend, she ordered a beer. Jaden was powerful, with a muscular, compact body and sandy hair. "I'm glad that's over." Jaxon sighed.

"Green horns?"

"Yeah, this one guy Jim Gilmore was the worst. I'm going to keep an eye on him. I think he's trouble with a capital T." She knew Jaden was one of the team to assist with the branding. After taking a sip of her beer, she asked, "How'd it go today, at Sleepy Springs?"

"It went great." He answered enthusiastically. "The lady staying there is sure a babe."

Before she could ask about the 'lady', Robert said, "She's not a babe, man, she's gorgeous."

"Yeah," came a female's voice. "Totally hot."

Finally Jaxon was able to break in and ask, "What lady?"

For the next few minutes she could swear that the description given of the woman staying at Sleepy Springs was Rayven McEllis. Before she was able to ask any more questions her cell phone rang, and she reached down to unclip it from her belt.

With a grim set to her face she shut off the phone placed it back inside the holder on her belt and started to rise.

"Emergency?" asked Jaden.

"It's my son." Jaxon shook her head, a look of helplessness on her face. "He's at the hospital. I've got to go."

<<<

Absorbed in an article on newborns, Rayven didn't hear the door open to Donny's room, where she was waiting for the boy's mother to come. She felt bad about what happened and wanted to assure the woman that she would take care of the hospital bill.

"Hello, Rayven."

The feminine voice, a familiar echo from the past, pulled her from her reading. Rayven looked up and met a pair of brilliant blue eyes that spoke to her of the best and worst of her youth.

For a moment she couldn't speak, but only blinked as some of the color drained from her face. The shock of finding her wife standing in the doorway was too unsettling.

"Jaxon?"

"Yeah." She smiled, but Rayven saw the hesitation in her eyes. "How are you?"

Her wife was here. Facing her. Jaxx, Jaxon, Jacqueline Tamara Segreto. Once a lifetime ago, this beautiful woman standing in front of her had taught her body what it meant to be loved, to want and needÖand be fulfilled. The small woman rose slowly from the chair as waves of memories threatened to overwhelm her. For several moments she was unable to make sense of the runaway thoughts or emotions clamoring in her heart. Then one memory surfaced above the rest. Jaxon's betrayal and the long years she'd cried.

"I'm fine." The voice was hers, but it sounded odd, distant, and a little too automatic. "I didn't know you were in Silver Lake."

Oh, you're better than fine, you're beautiful, Jaxx thought. Even in dirty blue jeans, a simple T-shirt and muddy hiking boots, Rayven managed to look stunning. Jaxon moved farther into the room, closing the door behind her. "I've been here the whole time."

Rayven's gaze dropped to the taller woman's jacket and the badge on her chest. "And you're the chief of Blue Mountain Smokies, I see."

Jaxon glanced away for a moment before bringing her gaze back to rest on her ex-lover. "It's been a long time, Rayven."

Rayven thought she heard more in the words, more than the awkwardness that edged her voice. There was regret, too. And maybe some guilt. "Yes, it has." She placed the magazine she was holding on the chair behind her.

Once more, Jaxon's gaze slid away. 'Rayven, here in my son's room. Why? After all these years she is more beautiful than ever. What am I going to say? I can't let her leave again. I won't survive, it.' Jaxon thoughts were swirling around in her mind. She tried to concentrate on something to say, something that would help fill the black hole that had consumed her soul for so many years.

Although she should be saying something, her thoughts caught on the passage of time and what it had done to Jaxon. The years had been good to her wife. She was more beautiful than ever. If she moved closer, she might catch the scent of wilderness, of rain, sunshine and foggy mornings. But she didn't need to move closer, she remembered. How many people had she rescued? How many mountains had she climbed? How many fires had she fought? Maybe a thousand; each of them adding to the strength in her long legs and muscular shoulders. Rayven shifted from one foot to the other. Jaxon seemed not to notice. She stood there, absorbed in her own thoughts, obviously as uncomfortable as she was. Why had she come in here? She searched for something to say, anything to end this uneasy reunion and send Jaxon on her way. Nothing came to mind. After all these years, she couldn't think of a single thing to say to the woman that still held her heart. Nothing safe, at least.

Finally she could no longer bear the silence. "I'm happy for you, Jaxon." Her voice brought the taller woman's gaze back to her. "That you made chief, I mean. I know it's what you wanted," She tried to smile, but wasn't sure she'd succeeded. "I always knew you'd make it."

"You were the only one who did." A tenuous smile warmed her eyes, those luminous sapphire eyes that had captured her heart when she was a child and held them even today in their grasp.

Hoping her voice sounded normal, she forced herself to ask the next question. "How is Tom?"

Jaxon shifted to lean against the wall, "He's dead."

It was a shock. The last thing she'd expected to hear.

"I'm sorry," she said. And she meant it. As often as she'd cursed Tom Harris over the last eight years for taking Jaxon away from her, Rayven had never wished the man harm. Well, maybe a little like a knee in the groin, a broken nose, a black eye and a split lip from her fist.

"How about you?" Jaxon asked. Again her eyes held a tentative curiosity, as if she feared Rayven would refuse to speak to her. "I'm surprised to see you back in Silver Lake."

"Yes, well, life's full of surprises."

She didn't elaborate on the opening Jaxon had given her, and the firefighter was struck by a renewed sense of loss. There was a time when Rayven greeted her with open arms and an open and generous heart. What a fool she'd been. Jaxon smiled tightly, thinking that surprise didn't begin to describe her reaction to seeing her wife again. When she walked in to her son's room, the past had swept over her, bringing a mixture of sweet memories and regret. Then Rayven had looked up at her with those seductive green eyes of hers, and she felt young again.

"So," she said, when Rayven volunteered no further information, "how long have you been back?"

Rayven sat back down in the chair, placing the magazine on her lap and clasped her hands in front of her. Jaxon wondered if it was meant to keep them from shaking.

"Not long." The small woman seemed calm and collected, as if they'd never been joined, lovers, soul mates or friends.

"Are you planning on staying?"

Rayven shrugged. "For awhile."

Jaxon didn't know what else to say. There were many other things she wanted to tell her. But not now. Not here. "Maybe we could get together sometime," she said. "Do some catching up or talk about old times."

Rayven shook her head, her eyes wide and wary. "I don't think so, Jaxon."

Jaxon started to object, when movement in the bed caused her to stop and shift closer to her son.

"Mom?" Came a weak voice from the bed.

"Hi there, tiger. You gave your old Mom a scare." Hearing a gasp, Jaxon turned to see Rayven turn white as a sheet.

"Your so . . . son?" she stammered looking at the boy in the hospital bed.

Jaxon turned toward the blond, reaching out to her. "Rayven," she said hoarsely.

Rayven knew beyond any doubt that it was true; Donny was her ex-lover's son, the result of Jaxon betrayal. She flinched from Jaxon's hands. "Don't."

When she flinched away, Jaxon's hands dropped to her side. She closed her eyes.

"I'm sorry you got hurt, Donny." Turning to Jaxon she said, "Please send me the bill for your s . . . son's injuries." Suddenly Rayven turned and walked away.

"Where she going, Mom?" asked Donny as he tried to set up.

"Shh. It's Okay." As she placed a gentle hand on her son's shoulder.

"Mom, she's pregnant. Maybe something is wrong with the baby."

Jaxon forced a smile, as the thought of Rayven bringing someone, a man, the father of her baby, back to Silver Lake with her, wreaked havoc with the firefighter's insides. "I'm sure she's fine, honey. Lay back and rest." Her mind still reeled at the thought of seeing Rayven with a man, and the knowledge she had absolutely no right to feel anything but happy for her.

Regret, like a black pool, swirled about her. She'd made so many mistakes. Now Rayven was back in Silver Lake and expecting a child. It shook her to the core.

<<<

Rayven stepped outside the hospital and lifted her face to the sun, seeking its warmth. She walked to the parking lot, climbed into her truck and began the drive back to the ranch. Tears fell unhindered down her cheeks.

Rayven tried to put things in perspective. Her thoughts returned to Jaxon. She looked wonderful. The teenager who'd been her lover was nothing compared to the devastatingly beautiful woman she'd become. Still tall and lean, she added a layer of muscle across her shoulders and arms. Those damnable blue eyes of Jaxon's were enough to thaw any woman's heart.

There were other things about Jaxon that worried her more, things that weren't so easy to dismiss. The slight wrinkles around eyes full of regret and pain and a brief flash of something close to hope. The grief in Jaxon's blue eyes when she saw her son in the hospital bed and, despite the heartbreak the firefighter had once caused Rayven, she'd wanted to reach out and comfort her ex-lover. They'd been so close once. It was impossible to forget. Jaxon was in her heart, in her soul, in her blood and quite simply, there WAS no moving on without her. She'd tried.

Rayven took another deep breath and pushed aside the disturbing memories. It was ancient history. Jaxon was ancient history. She made her choice eight years ago, when they were both little more than teenagers. There was nothing she could do now, or was there? Wasn't that why she came back? Could she let Jaxx back in to her heart. If Rayven was honest with herself she would realize that she had never let Jaxon out of her heart. You cannot let something go that is as much a part of you as breathing.

What about Donny? That thought brought fresh tears to her eyes. She'd grown to love the boy. How could she continue seeing him? He was Tom Harris' son. He was the product of Jaxon's betrayal. "Oh! Shit," she cried. "Stop it right now. That handsome, funny and smart little boy has nothing to do with this. You will not take your hurt and anger out on him." Taking a deep calming breath, she relaxed her tense muscles. Donny will not suffer because of their mistakes; she loved him and would continue to be his friend as long as Jaxon allowed it. What if Jaxon stopped the boy from coming over? "She wouldn't do that," her voice echoed in the cab of the truck. Would she? What if she has someone else in her life? Could I stay and seem them together? "Damn, why is life so confusing?" With more questions than answers she drove back to the ranch allowing the silent tears to fall.

<<<<

The doctor assured Jaxon that Donny would be fine. He had a broken arm that would be good as new within a few months. He prescribed some mild pain medicine and suggested she keep him in bed for a couple of days. His nose wasn't broken but the force of the fall had caused his left eye to blacken.

Jaxon took the next couple of days to prepare herself for their future. She had spoken with the Director and given her notice. She requested that Jaden be her replacement. The Director was naturally disappointed; Jaxon was the best firefighter and rescue person he had. It was a shame to see her go.

<<<<

By Wednesday Rayven had made several decisions. One she was staying, at least for a few years. It was important to give her child a sense of heritage, a place to call home, as her parents had done with her. She also wanted to continue her friendship with Donny and she wanted to place an advertisement in the local paper for a farm hand. She also subconsciously wanted to find out more about Jaxon, but of course refused to admit it to herself.

Over the next few days she threw herself into the planning stages of fixing up the old house with a vengeance. She talked to carpenters and painters, electrician and carpet layers. She planned her baby's nursery with the help of a graphic designer who had suggested she get a computer program that would help her with the redesigning. All she had to do was give it the specs, lay out the requirements, and it configured the blueprints. He told her it would save a lot of money and the plans were easy to work from, plus she could change her mind as often as she wanted until she had it just the way she wanted.

She used it to redesign her outdated kitchen and bathroom to make it more useable and spacious. She also separated the upstairs into more bedrooms and overall brought the yellow farmhouse into the 21st century while retaining its authentic western flavor. She knew the actual work wouldn't start until after the baby was born, except for the nursery, but she could have the designs and planning done ahead of time.

When she wasn't busy with planning the remodeling, she was putting her things away that had arrived by truck a few days earlier. She also spent time riding the tiller, breaking up the ground on the south side of the house adding small amounts of old dry horse manure as fertilizer, for her small vegetable and herb garden. She'd started with easy items: peas, tomatoes, zucchini, potatoes, cucumbers and carrots. Her green beans and corn were growing slowly, as if they weren't sure if they wanted to greet the new day. Her herbs were doing wonderfully and she couldn't wait to make her first fresh green salad or can her first batch of vegetables.

Whether she decided to stay or leave, after a few years the repairs on the house and land would bring her a nice profit. If she decided to stay she would be one step closer to fulfilling a childhood dream, which Jaxon didn't even know about. In the evening she sat in front of her new computer and studied the business aspects of making her dream come true.

Rayven's dream was to have a gay-friendly "dude ranch". Guests could enjoy mountain biking, skiing, fly-fishing, horseback excursions and hayrides, a chance to join a real working cattle drive and whitewater rafting.

She also wanted to have a "rock-climbing school" for all ages. A place where people who were looking for new experiences that would challenge them, somewhere they can test themselves, learn a new skill. In her travels she had met and made friends with many climbers some who were internationally certified climbing guides. She would contact a few of them and see if they would like being a part of the school. It would be a great opportunity to work with some of the world-class climbers.

Most of all it would be a discreet hideaway where open-minded people could come relax and enjoy themselves. It would be a place where people could get back in touch with nature, in touch with themselves. The whole area would be a safe haven for countrified people escaping the urban attitudes.

Sleepy Springs Ranch was the largest ranch in the area, covering over two hundred and fifty thousand acres; it also had over a hundred thousand acres of the best timber in Oregon. Due to the clear-cutting that had been done to other areas in the last ten years, Rayven's ranch was the only one that had trees over a hundred years old left standing. Some were seventy feet tall and eight feet across. They ranged in variety from Tamarack, Pine, Cedar, Hemlock, Fir and Madrone.

Rayven knew she would have to wait until after the baby was born to begin remodeling due to the chemicals and other hazardous materials. In the meantime, she contracted Darrell Brown, one of the local tree buyers; she planned on spot cutting 'falling only the dead and diseased trees', on the hundred thousand acres. She knew the going rate was six hundred and fifty dollars per one thousand board feet, she would use this money to help finance her dreams.

In her travels for National Geographic she saw many programs that were designed to help endangered animals. Her heart went out not only to the people who worked faithfully in this cause but also to the animals. She placed several calls to directors and administrators of said programs, one being to her friend, Steve Erwin.

Rayven knew that the area directly connected to the house would be developed, but she wanted Sleepy Springs to stay mostly in its natural state: grasslands and wooded canyons. This area would provide healthy habitat for native and endangered species, as well as domestic plants and animals and to protect it from over development. She also knew she had an obligation to the surrounding farmers to provide hay as well as grazing land. It would be a difficult balancing act but she felt she had a good handle on what she wanted to accomplish. It would also require the help of others.

She wanted to demonstrate through a working example of grass-based agriculture, the practices of good conservation and their value to the entire ecosystem. To educate visitors by providing facilities and programs would enhance the visitor's experience and encourage appreciation and awareness of Sleepy Springs and their own natural and cultural heritage. She wanted to provide a place where visitors of all ages could experience the beauty of nature, learn the importance of good conservation and land stewardship and leave with a sense of power that the individual can positively impact his or her environment. Also, with the new government sub-tax program that had passed Congress recently, qualifying for these programs would allow her to not pay taxes on her land, saving thousands of dollars each year. With the money she would save she planned to put it in a saving account for her child's education. She wanted to make sure the baby would be taken care of if any thing ever happened to her. Unknown to Jaxx, Rayven had made her the child's legal guardian along with instructions on the child's heritage. Before she left Chicago she had a new will made out listing her child and Jaxon as equal owners of the ranch and all its holdings.

<<<<

Days later found Jaxon sitting on a stump at a fire camp in the Cherry Creek Forest drinking coffee so strong it would grow hair on your chest and wondering when they could wrap up the current fire. The faint rumble of thunder rolled in the distance; a light shower would be welcome. Tossing the grounds left in the bottom of her stainless steel cup she stood, placed the cup on the stump and set off on a nature trail that would lead her to the top of Eagle's Peak, the highest mountain in the area. She wanted a look at the progress they were making.

Jim Gilmore silently followed Jaxon, keeping his distance, but keeping her in his sight. He had big plans for the bitch that had killed his lover and no one was going to stop him.

Jaxon knew someone was following her; the sound of the person's boots sank into the thick layer of pine needles covering the forest floor. Finally she came to a halt next to a large clearing. She scanned the surrounding area. Then with quickness of a rattlesnake, she spun to face her stalker with anger in her eyes.

"What are you doing following me?" she spat as she recognized her stalker as Jim Gilmore.

"You think you're so hot, thought I'd come find out why." He looked at her with a sadistic smile.

"I warned you once at the rookie school, Mr. Gilmore, that an attitude adjustment was in order if you planned on staying on MY team. Now if you will excuse me," Jaxon said as she pushed past him.

He reached out and grabbed her arm, spinning her around. "You don't want to pass this up," he said as he gestured to his manhood. "No one passes this up."

Jaxon grabbed his hand and tore it away from her arm. "Watch it Mr. Gilmore, or I'll have a harassment charge on you so fast you won't believe it. Now leave me alone."

Jim bent over laughing. Trying to catch his breath he said, "Go ahead and try, from what I hear you've slept with everyone on YOUR team including the women. So who do you think they'll believe?"

Her legendary temper snapped. She was too far gone to remember that Jim was at least seventy-five pounds heavier than she was and stood a good six inches taller as she brought her fist back. Only to find herself slammed up against a tree gasping for what little breath she could as a hand held her throat in a vise grip.

Jim laughed and spit in her face. "You must be a better lay than you look, slut." His evil gaze slithered over her body, insultingly. "I don't see anything here that would make me hot and hard." He eased up on his grip as he noticed she was turning blue. He wasn't ready for her to die, yet.

Her voice sounded hoarse. "That's because I'm not a little boy in diapers."

"Bitch," he yelled, as he raised his arm and backhanded her across the face. Pain jolted through her, vibrating to each nerve ending in her neck and skull. Her eyes watered. She shook her head to clear it.

Just as he was about to deliver another blow, she dropped to the ground. His fist connected with the tree, and he howled like a bear caught in a trap. He turned as she tried to get away from him and stumbled to her feet. Viciously he grabbed the back of her shirt and whirled her around. His face was a mask of rage.

She brought up her knee and rammed it into his groin, sending him to the ground with a large thump. Her entire body shuddered with fever like chills as she stared down at him. "Don't touch me again, you bastard. If it wasn't for the fact I've quit firefighting I'd have you arrested for harassment, assault and battery, but instead I'll let Jaden take care of you."

Turning she stumbled down the path to base camp. Coming around a blind corner she ran into Jaden.

Jaden stared at her split lip and throat where bruises were already showing. "Trouble?" he asked.

"Let's get to camp and I'll fill you in." she whispered her throat sore and swollen.

A short time later they were sitting on the back of a pickup truck at the fire camp. "So what happened?" asked Jaden.

"I ran into Jim Gilmore. I'm not sure what his problem is but I'd keep an eye on him, Jaden. I don't know if his problem is with women, or taking orders from a woman, me in particular."

"Why does he have it in for you and are you going to press charges?"

Shaking her head, she replied, "Don't know, never met the guy before rookie school, and no, I'm not going to press charges. I really don't want the hassles and I'm tired, Jaden, real tired. I'm leaving anyway; you can take care of him. My advice would be to kick him off the team." With that she smiled gently, aware of her split lip.

Jaden took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He glanced at Jaxon and said, "Thanks."

"You deserve it. We've been friends for a long time, Jaden. I wouldn't have recommended any one else to take over for me."

"Why are you getting out, Jaxx?"

After a moment of silence Jaxon answered, "I don't have the drive any longer. I'm burned out." She smiled slightly and added, "I have another goal now."

"Rayven?" he asked softly.

"I don't know but I have to see what's there, if anything."

"You still love her don't you?"

Jaxon hesitated a moment, unaccustomed to sharing her feelings. "I. . ." She nodded.

"Hey, I don't mean to pry." He patted her arm.

"No it's Okay." she said, taking a sip of the coffee Jaden handed her. With a slight nod of her long dark hair the decision was made, it was well past time to share what she was feeling. She gathered her thoughts. "I love her more than ever because Rayven is in my heart, in my soul and in my blood and quite simply, Jaden, there IS no moving on without her. I know. I've tried. God, how I've tried.

"What's your plan?"

Jaxon reached in her breast pocket and withdrew the clipping she'd taken from the local paper and handed it to him.

He took it and read aloud. "Wanted: Full time ranch hand, room and board plus small salary. Experience a must. References required." He ran his hand through his hair. "She's staying."

"Looks like it and I'm prepared to do whatever I have to in order to be a part of her life."

He stared at her for a moment. "I thought she was married. You're not going to bust up her marriage are you?"

"IF she is married, of course not. If friendship is all she can offer than I'm willing to settle for that. Jaden, I won't live without her in my life in some degree. I can't anymore."

"Good luck, my friend."

"Thank you. Now if this fire was over. . ." she began when he interrupted her.

"Brad Stevens is leaving in about fifteen minutes. A call came in, his wife's in labor. Why don't you catch a ride with him? I'll cover for you and take care of Jim."

"Thanks, I will." She jumped down off the back of the pickup and headed to her tent to gather her things. In a couple of minutes she was back and waiting. Ready to change her destiny.

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