July -
Rayven was in the kitchen thinking about the last several weeks since they had kissed under the weeping willow tree. As with every morning since her ex-lover and son had moved in, the firefighter was up early. After downing a couple cups of coffee and a hearty breakfast, Jaxon made her way to the barn to begin the day of fixing irrigation pipes, checking on miles and miles of fencing and all the other chores that came with living on a ranch. They kept in touch with Hand-held radios when Jaxx went out to the lower pastures, or rode the many acres searching for breaks in the fence line. Her companion had explained their use by saying she wanted to keep the lines of communication open. If Rayven needed her she would return as quickly as possible.
They saw each other every day and most evenings, but Jaxon never tried to kiss her again or talk about the pain in their past. The three would talk about their day while having dinner and, at times, play a mean game of Monopoly in the evenings. Jaxx insisted that she always won when she had the fireman's hat and Donny had to have the engine. Laughing softly, Rayven remembered the look on Jaxon's face when she learned that having the fire hat didn't always make her a winner.
Jaxon had said that her son was doing great in all his classes but math. She bought some flash cards for them to practice with over the summer but Donny didn't like it. He said it made him feel dumb. Rayven had gotten on the computer and ordered several games that would help the boy without feeling like he was studying.
Donny was a joy to have around. She marveled at the situations the young boy could get himself into and she had to admit she was enjoying their company. Rayven laughed thinking about one particular incident. Donny wanted to help with the dishes after dinner so Rayven had instructed him on how to use the dishwasher properly before leaving him to finish putting the folded clothes away. She had learned that Jaxon and Donny either ate out, ordered in or made sandwiches, which they ate off of paper plates.
She heard the dishwasher begin to hum immediately and she could hear water rushing into it. As she walked down the hall, after putting all the clothes away, she could hear the dishwasher chugging through its cycles. As she approached the kitchen she noticed water and suds covered half the kitchen floor.
She looked up to see Donny on his knees, beside a large mixing bowl, trying to gather up the suds, which were sliding between his small-cupped hands. Tears were flowing down his small cheeks. "Donny, honey, it's Okay. I'll go get the mop." With a smile, she started toward the utility closet to be stopped by the sound of the screen door being opened. Before they could warn Jaxon, the ex-firefighter's foot landed in the midst of a mound of foam and water.
The tall woman's foot started to slip. Her expression reflected her surprise and shock. She threw out her arms for balance but it was pointless. Her body hit the floor with a resounding thump. For a stunned moment, Rayven and Donny could only stare at the woman who was now sprawled out on the kitchen floor with suds all over her.
"Are you hurt?" Rayven asked, as she slowly moved forward to help the fallen woman get up.
"Stay back, Rayven", she said. Don't take the chance on falling."
"I'm sorry, Mom. It was the dishwasher. I think it's broke." Donny was crying.
Jaxon looked at her son and then looked at the bottle and box of soap he'd left sitting on the counter. "Donny, you used the bottle of soap instead of the box, didn't you?"
"Donny, I said to use the box of Cascade, not the bottle of Palmolive." Rayven voiced.
With a tear stained face Donny looked at the two women, "the Palmolive bottle says its new and improved, thick rich formula cuts even the toughest grease and makes lost of suds and suds clean dishes. . . so I used it instead."
"Yes, Donny, it makes lots and lots of suds." Jaxon motioned with her hands illustrating the suds on the floor, now covering most of her body.
"Sorry." Donny whispered. "I didn't realize it would make so many suds."
Jaxon lifted her hands, staring at the water dripping sluggishly off her fingers to splash on the damp floor. She lifted her eyes to Rayven's sparkling green and her mouth twisted. She laughed and Donny giggled. Within minutes, the kitchen was filled with laughter and Rayven found herself gently guided to the floor and a tickle session proceeded with everyone ending up covered in suds. She smiled at the fond memory.
Loved filled her heart whenever she thought of Donny. He was such a precious child. She felt blessed she was able to be a part of his life.
Feeling more peaceful than she had since Jaxon moved in, Rayven watched the early morning sun touch the sky and turn it from black to a soft gold. It was going to be hot; summer's promise seeping through deeply shaded valleys and touching them with life. She reminded herself to call Mr. Landry at the stockman's headquarters and place the water order for the livestock.
Jaxon chose that moment to walk into the kitchen. "Morning. It looks like it's going to be another hot day." She walked over and poured herself a cup of coffee. "Thought I'd get an early start this morning on the roof. Why are you up so early?"
She half turned toward Jaxx, then stopped. Rayven didn't have to look at Jaxon to know she came closer; her nerve endings told her that. When, finally, she faced her wife, the ex-firefighter stood no more than two feet away; close enough for her to see the bead of moisture slowly moving down the high cheek bone caused by the long beautiful wet hair. Mindless, dangerously, she touched a tanned forearm with fingers so hot that the tips had burned. Now she felt raw and alive. "I'm used to it." She shrugged as she removed her fingers. "The best time to take pictures is right before the sun wakes the morning sky."
"You must have felt like a bouncing ball, always being sent somewhere new all the time."
The blond ran her fingers through her hair, long past caring how she looked. "One thing about the traveling, I've seen a lot of places I wouldn't want to live." She looked out over the vast fields. "I love this part of Oregon, the seasons, the wilderness. I always have."
"I'd like a milder summer this year, but you're right about the wilderness." Jaxon thought about how the mountains, sometimes - mostly in the middle of the night, made her feel trapped. But maybe it wasn't the mountains; maybe the restlessness came from within her. "I've been wondering about something. Why didn't you come back earlier? After all, you grew up here; your mother still lived here."
Rayven blinked her eyes. "A lot of reasons, Jaxon. However, I've beenÖ." She stopped whatever she was about to say. "I drove by the high school on my way here. I was wondering if you showed Donny your picture in the main hall."
"My picture? Oh, the state championship." She remembered. What was she supposed to do with that piece of information? "I'd forgotten. It seems so long ago." She sat down at the kitchen table and began to eat the breakfast placed before her.
"Yeah, it does," she said, and Rayven wondered if there was a touch of regret in Jaxx voice.
Jaxon wasn't the same young teenager she fell in love with all those years ago. Rayven had no regrets that Jaxx was no longer a teenager. She regretted the years lost, but not the woman her wife had becomeÖ.
This new woman moved with a deer's grace, her lean, athletic body challenging Rayven in a way she didn't want. Regardless of what she thought she didn't want, the fact remained; she was still physically attracted to her wife. Her heart might have put love behind it, but her body, her damnable body hadn't forgotten what it felt like to make love to Jaxon.
They had both been uncertain virgins when raging hormones, curiosity and love had brought them together that first time. It had been Jaxon's hands and mouth. In some instinctive way, her wife had known how to take her smoothly and cleanly from virginity to womanhood. Learning together, they tasted sensual experiences and, in the tasting, in testing, discovered that they were capable of igniting something in both themselves and each other that Rayven now believed could never be extinguished. They had given themselves to each other with every fiber of their beings. Eight long years later and the flame still hadn't been snuffed out. The more she tried to forget, the more her body burned, ached and remembered.
Fighting with past and present emotions and confusion, Rayven bid Jaxon a good day and began her chores. Not too far away another person was also thinking about the past; sadness and questions filtering through his heart and soul.
<<
Jim Gilmore sat in the dark in his motel room downing one beer after another. Being fired from the firefighting team put a kink in his plans. He would have to ask for more money from his contact to continue. What he really wanted was why, after being together for five years, Tom had left him. He loved Tom and would have done anything for him. This whole situation was disturbing and unbelievable. The only thing he was sure of was the ex-chief of the Blue Mountain Smokies was going to pay for taking his Tom away from him.
<<<
After she cleaned the kitchen, several days later, Rayven noticed Jaxon unconsciously rubbing her neck, trying to loosen muscles knotted by too much work and too much tension.
"Would you like some coffee or tea?" she asked the tired looking woman.
Nodding a yes, Jaxon brushed her palms down her jeans and followed Rayven back into the kitchen, where she was handed a cup and then followed Rayven to the porch, where they settled into the comfortable rockers.
"Donny sleeping?"
Jaxx was looking at her, blue eyes gentle yet wary. In that instant, Rayven no longer cared that about the past; her need to embrace her wife in remembrance of everything they shared, to be embraced and given security, was stronger than any emotion she ever experienced.
Still, she fought herself, warned by her soul-deep vulnerability, her fear that once exposed she could never again be able to keep anything from Jaxx.
"Yeah, he was pretty tired." Jaxon said, once again massaging the crick in her neck.
She felt a peace, calm, a serenity she hadn't known she was missing; all from a single glance Jaxx bestowed upon her. Had they really been separated for eight years? It seemed much less and sometimes it seemed much longer.
Rayven took the taller woman's cup and set it on the floor beside hers. "Is your neck hurting?"
"It's been stiff ever since I fixed the hole in the roof last week. I think I strained a muscle or something."
"Sit on a step and I'll massage it for you."
The offer was too appealing to pass on. She lowered herself to the third step and Rayven positioned herself behind her, a knee on each side of her body. The blond then placed both hands low on her neck and smoothed them across her broad tense shoulders. A small hand found a knot and kneaded it.
A shiver ran through Jaxon's body at the profound pleasure. She groaned.
"Right there, isn't it?"
"Yeah." The blond smelled like wild flowers. Her warm thighs braced Jaxon's torso and a swollen stomach pressed against her lower back, warm and comforting. Jaxx straightened and hooked her arms over the small woman's knees, allowing their weight to rest on her legs while Rayven did delightful things to her aching neck and shoulders with her small, sturdy hands.
"You're stiff right here," she said, rubbing the spot gently.
That isn't the only place, she thought lecherously. Her nipples were straining against her shirt, begging to be released and a deep throbbing between her legs was almost unbearable.
"Are you falling asleep?" The words were breathed right in her ear and she almost came unglued. Small hands had paused on her shoulders as warm breath tickled her ear.
"No." The ex firefighter's voice sounded as if she'd eaten gravel for dinner, instead of steak and potatoes. She raised her hands and covered the small ones where they lay on her shoulders. Her fingertips explored soft skin, knuckles, short, smooth nails. Rayven turned her right hand over, and it trembled slightly. Jaxon traced the contours of the small soft palm and couldn't remember if she had ever experienced anything so sensual.
Though the night was warm, she felt the body behind her shiver. She used her left hand to capture and hold the smaller right one so Rayven couldn't pull away, then turned sideways to look into the green eyes of her soul mate.
She didn't try to withdraw, so Jaxon released the small hand. The writer used it to touch black hair and trace a pink ear. It felt too good to be an innocent touch.
Jaxon lowered her face and pressed her lips against the skin on a thigh, just below the bottom hem of the shorts the smaller woman was wearing.
A shaky breath escaped the blond.
She kissed Rayven's leg, her knee, darted her tongue out and tasted it. Flesh quivered under her lips.
All at once Jaxon stopped, sitting rigid between the smaller woman's legs.
After a few moments the firefighter turned to her and said, quietly, with a voice full of remorse, "Sorry, I promised I wouldn't do that. I'm going for a walk. Don't wait up."
"Umm . . . Okay."
A short time later, Rayven lay beneath the sheet in her childhood bedroom. There was comfort here. More than any place she'd ever lived, this room belonged to her.
Jaxon still had the power to hurt her. Laying here in the dark, she could still taste her lips, feel the long-dead feelings her touch had awakened. Could she forget the past and everything that had happened between them? They were still drawn to each other and had always been stronger together than apart. Could she risk it?
Once she'd believed that Jaxon would always love her. She paid for that mistake dearly. What if she gave Jaxx her heart again, only to discover it was a mistake?
After a few moments she also realized she was tired of living in the past, tired of being alone, tired of being unloved. She wanted to start living again. Her decision made, she threw back the sheet covering her body and slid out of bed. It was time for answers.
Using the brilliant moonlight as her guide and her trusty flashlight, Rayven climbed up the grassy ridge that rose behind the house. It provided a beautiful view of the ranch. And she knew it was where she would find Jaxon. It was a place she found the fire fighter sitting many nights, looking out over the valley and stargazing.
As Rayven climbed, the memory of Jaxon's kiss flooded her with warmth and concern - warmth at the love that existed after all this time and concern for the future. It was time they had a heart to heart talk.
The top of the ridge was smooth, gently rounded and grassy. A breeze moved faintly, bringing with it sounds from the valley below. In the distance, the moonlight glittered along the length of the river that ran along the north side of Sleepy Springs.
She came upon Jaxon leaning against a stump; knees drawn up to her chest, her head bent, her arms circled her legs.
She held her breath realizing that Jaxon was crying. For a few moments it was so quiet that Rayven could hear her heartbeat and the soft sobs of the woman she loved. Then slowly Jaxon lifted her tearstained face and said softly, "I'm so sorry I hurt you."
For a moment Rayven thought the voice was an echo from her former dreams, when she had longed to hear Jaxon explain what had happened, why it had happened, what had gone wrong that she was no longer the person Jaxon loved or wanted. But the voice wasn't a dream from the past. The voice was here, now, before her; so was Jaxon.
She slowly settled her body down next to the ex-firefighter. Not acknowledging the statement she said, "You're working too hard, Jaxon," Rayven whispered, "You look so tired. I don't want you to wear yourself out over a ranch that means nothing to you." As she placed her palm against the warm moist cheek, she felt ashamed. Jaxx had given her so much companionship and laughter in the last few weeks and she had given nothing in return.
Jaxon closed her eyes for an instant, feeling the softness of the small hand pressed against her cheek, savoring it with an intensity that was just short of painful. Since the kiss under the willow tree, Rayven had touched her more frequently, many times not realizing she was doing so and it was clear she was more at ease with her. She knew if they were to have a future it was up to her wife now, for she had expressed to the small woman how she felt. She didn't want to frighten or push the blond away, so she hadn't touched her since nor had she brought up the past.
"I don't mind. I've always loved it here." Jaxon respond, her voice a whisper. "The best part of my day is when we walk out over the ranch and watch the sunset together."
"I really enjoy those time too." She really wanted to sit on Jaxx's lap but knew the next move was hers to make. "Wi. . . Will you hold me?"
"Come here," she answered as she helped Rayven settle on her lap.
At first they held each other tightly, as though they were afraid something would happen to separate them. Because Jaxx couldn't let Rayven go, she pressed the blond closer and hoped her body would say what she didn't have the words for. The emotions were too strong. Gradually their arms loosened while Jaxon rocked Rayven slowly against her breast, stroking her hair and back with her large hand, wordlessly telling her how much she cared. She struggled to find the words to tell this beautiful woman in her arms everything she was feeling, but no matter how she worked them, they seemed inadequate and half formed. She finally gave up the fight and let her feelings roam free.
Small arms were around her wife's lean waist and Rayven's head was resting against her soft breasts as her hands gently kneaded the muscles of the taller woman's back, trying to relax the tension. She was in Jaxon's arms, pressed against her heart, right where she belonged.
When Rayven finally tilted back her head to look at Jaxon's face, her eyes were closed and an expression of peace had replaced the lines of pain on her face. The knowledge that she could still bring her lover such a feeling with something as simple as a hug made her ache with emotion. She should have done this before. She had wanted to, but she was too afraid.
Slowly Jaxon opened her eyes to see brilliant green ones looking up at her full of wonder and love. A tremor went through her. "I love holding you."
The whispered, barely audible words sent an answering tremor through Rayven. The intensity of Jaxon's blue eyes made her breath shorten. She wanted to be kissed by the taller woman, but knew the firefighter wouldn't, even though it was obvious she wanted to very much. Her wife was careful to keep her touches and emotions to herself, until tonight. The once young woman who had always needed things her own way was now grown. She never forced herself or her decisions upon Rayven. Compromise and communication were now words the journalist could use when describing Jaxx. She had done nothing to make her afraid or skeptical. Nor would she do anything now. If the blond wanted to be kissed, it was up to her to take the initiative.
"Can. . . Can. . . I kiss you?" Rayven asked. Her voice was shaky and her eyes mirrored her own inner conflict.
"I'd really like that," Jaxon said, memorized by the sweet lips and the green eyes.
Her heart beat in marathon mode, slamming painfully in her chest as they kissed, her tongue exploring Jaxon's mouth gently, almost reverently. Lost. She was totally and completely lost. Rayven lingered over the kiss, tempting, teasing herself as much as her partner. When she pulled back, she sought the blue eyes for answers. She loved Jaxx so much. She'd always loved her.
So longÖ.she'd waited so long for this. Jaxon whispered, "a day never went by that I didn't think or dream of you. I love you, sweetheart." She slowly bent to kiss the woman who meant the world to her. The firefighter moaned deep in her throat and bravely explored the shape of Rayven's mouth before plunging inside to tease and torment her. Twisting slightly to the side, she eased the blonde's cheek against her shoulder and began stroking her hair. She pulsed with need, but the rest of herÖ.heart, head and soulÖneeded more than a physical release. She needed the love of her wife, soul mate and friend back. She needed the magic.
Rayven. Slight, strong, built for climbing mountains and making love and raising children and watching eagles fly and . . . and loving me. Making me feel whole, no longer alone drifting through life like the wind.
Rayven buried her hands in the long black hair, feeling the sharp pain of longing. The need to lay herself open to Jaxx surged through her. Words flitted through her, questions, a promise freely given that tonight meant as much to Jaxon as it did to her. She opened her mouth to ask her wife to gift her with that promise, spotted the moon cradled between tree shadows and lost the ability to speak. Through eyes that wouldn't focus, she stared at the moon and stars. The points of light blurred, then came together. Together. Like her and Jaxon. Alive. Whole. Complete. The words, the emotions, melted through her. Without you I would die.
She felt fingertips on her sunburned flesh. Somehow they cooled and heated at the same time. When they both caught their breaths, Jaxon asked, "Can I have it back, please?"
Rayven frowned. "Have what back?"
"Your heart." The ex firefighter drew in a breath. "This time I promise to take better care of it, sweetheart." She tenderly cupped Rayven's chin and raised her face to look into her green eyes.
Lips soft as butterfly wings brushed across her lips. "I want your heart in return."
"Rayven, don't you know, you have always had it. You stole it when I wasn't watching so many years ago."
"I don't want a stolen heart, Jaxon"
"It was freely given. I love you, darling. I always have and I always will."
The kiss that followed left no question as to how freely their hearts were given back to each other. The merging of two lost souls rejoiced, finally.
Rayven felt herself start to dissolve in the kiss and in the belief that she was home where she belonged. At last. It was the feel of the baby kicking that brought Jaxon to her senses. With a groan, she released the soft sweet mouth. Shifting back against the stump, she pulled Rayven back to rest the blond head against her shoulder.
They sat for a long time in companionable silence, holding each other gently and watching the stars shine brightly. As it always had been between the two of them, there didn't seem to be any need for words. They were comfortable simply being together.
After a few moments, Jaxx asked. "Why did you leave me?" It was a heartbreaking cry. Jaxon couldn't hold it in any longer; she needed to know.
Rayven shook her head as if she hadn't heard what she thought she heard. Anger, regret, sadness, Jaxon's betrayal all consumed her until finally she said, "I did what you would have done, given the same circumstances."
"I wouldn't have left you."
"Jaxon, remember Tristan and Mary Sue from high school?"
Frowning she answered hesitantly, "Yes."
"What did you say to me when I found out that Tristan was cheating on Mary Sue?
She thought for a while then her expression changed. "But. . . I. . ."
"You said that if you were Mary Sue, you would walk away from Tristan and never come back."
"I didn't mean that for us. I. . ."
Rayven interrupted, "That IS what you said and what I did. I never doubted your words, Jaxon. I believed them to be the truth."
"No." She cried. "Tristan and Mary Sue were nothing like us, honey. We were meant to be together. Two souls destined to be together before we were born. Tristan cheated on Mary Sue from the beginning of their relationship."
"Then why did you have sex and marry Tom Harris?" she declared. "Why didn't you try to find me?" She tried to pull away from Jaxon but the taller woman's arms tightened holding her on her lap.
"I did try to find you, sweetheart. Every time I felt like I was getting close you were sent somewhere else. I've spent years searching for you, sent you letters. They all came back."
"Why'd you marry Tom? Did you love him?" She choked out.
"No"
"Then why did Aunt Lois say the day I arrived in Silver Lake that you were happily married?"
"I was not happily married. I was miserable. You left me. My world had no meaning anymore. My parents and his demanded that it would be best for the baby. I didn't have a job or a way to support myself. I didn't even like Tom."
Remembering that Jaxx had never mentioned her parents before Rayven asked, "What happened with your parents?"
"I didn't want to marry Tom. They said it wasn't right to bring a child up as a bastard. They would never speak to me again if I didn't marry him. They didn't believe he had raped me." Silent tears moved down darkened cheeks.
"Honey, I'm so sorry." Rayven held her wife and gently rubbed her back.
After a moment Jaxx continued, "After he was killed they tried to set me up with other men. They even offered to give this one guy their ranch if he would marry me. I refused. I told them I was still in love with you and always would be. If raising Donny alone was what I had to do then I would do it. They said they didn't want a gay daughter, that it brought shame to their family. I told them I never wanted to speak to them again. Shortly after, they moved from Silver Lake."
"Then why did you have sex with him?"
"I don't know."
"You have sex with someone in our home and don't know why."
"Remember I told you about the new rookie who always made passes at me?"
"Yes."
"That was Tom. He kept saying he was going to have me one way or another. I told him when hell froze over. He would only laugh."
"I don't understand."
"I recall the fire that day. We had it out in a short time then Tom yelled he had found something. I was sent to help check it out because I was nearest to Tom. It was Bobby and Rebecca from our team. Oh Gods, Rayven, Rebecca told me that morning she was pregnant and this would be her last fire."
"I'm sorry."
"They were burnt to the point it was hard to tell who they were. I remember screaming and calling for you. Then someone led me away from the scene and wanted to give me something. I refused and tried to push them away but they gave me a shot anyway. They said I was in shock and the shot would help calm me down. Next thing I remember is you accusing me of having sex with Tom. I couldn't understand why you would say that until I saw Tom getting dressed and noticed I was partially naked."
"But. . ."
"I don't have any answers Rayven. I know it sounds unbelievable but I don't have the answers."
"The answers. The answers are in the attic." She stated as she struggled to her feet and started down the slope to the house.
"Wait. Where are you going?"
"The answers are in the attic."
"Rayven, are you all right? That doesn't make any sense." Jaxon said as she caught up with the smaller woman.
"Mother said the last time I visited her that the answers were in the attic but I didn't know what she meant."
Once they were in the attic Rayven spoke. "There must be something here that will answer our questions. Help me look."
After searching for a short time Rayven found a small box labeled Rayven and Jaxon. "I believe I found it, sweetheart."
Inside the box was a sealed envelope marked Rayven McEllis and Jaxon Segreto.
"I'm scared to open it. What if I can't handle what's inside, what if. . .?"
"Don't what if, honey. We'll handle whatever it is together."
Sitting down on a pile of old blankets, Jaxon motioned Rayven to sit between her spread legs. Together they would read the letter.
"Here - let me," Jaxon said softly as she took the envelope and tore it open, pulling out two sheets of white wrinkled paper from inside, she began to read.
-----
Sitting by the campfire in the dim light, Tom Harris contemplated his short life. At twenty-six he felt there was no reason to continue to live. He had already murdered three people, destroyed several others's lives and caused a child to be born into a world that was not his asking and gave up the only person he'd ever loved. Some people say that there is a time in one's life that you hit the wall. Without a reason there is no motive to go on. Tom knew that he had hit that wall. It took a little scheming but he had all the players in position to carry out his final act of freedom in this world.
He reached to fill his cup with coffee that was brewing on the campfire; he gently took a sip of the steaming liquid. Tom would miss some things. Like the stars shining bright in the night sky. The way the sun rose each morning. Taking a deep breath he picked up the notebook from the ground beside him.
With tears rolling down his tanned cheeks he composed the letter to Jaxon and Rayven, two women's lives he destroyed with his act of deceit. Why did he have to be born to that bitch? Why couldn't she just leave him alone? He could have chosen to do things differently, but he did not have the courage, or guts.
As he began to tell his life story, he remembered how he killed his teammates then paid the medic to drug Jaxon. How he placed a call to Rayven insisting she come home - that Jaxon needed her. Then he raped Jaxx, timing it so Rayven would walk in on them.
He told about his Aunt. How she had an affair with Judge Johnston; He was the result of that affair. Mr. and Mrs. Harris adopted him at two weeks of age. They were good parents; very wealthy but didn't believe that gays should exist. They considered them the scum of the earth. Lois McEllis, his biological mother was blackmailing him. She threatened to tell his parents he was gay, thus cutting off his inheritance and his monthly support checks.
The final act of payment to Lois was for Tom to sleep with Jaxon, causing Rayven to leave. The only problem was Jaxon got pregnant. Lois and his parents insisted he marry Jaxon Segreto since that is what a proper gentleman would do and appearance meant everything to his parents as well as Lois.
In case you haven't figured it out yet, Rayven, you are the child's cousin. Tom knew that saying he was sorry would do little, but he was. He allowed greed and fear to make him do things he never should have. Now the guilt was eating him alive.
There was one thing that Tom wanted to do for the child. His child. That was to secure the child's future. He left instructions and a key to a safe deposit box in Jaxon's name that contained enough money, stocks, bonds and investments to last them for the rest of their lives.
Be careful around Lois, she is into more than people realize. I believe there are more reasons for her wanting you to leave the ranch than just your lifestyle.
Tom Harris
He tore off the papers and put them into an envelope addressing it to Rayven and Jaxon, then put it into a larger one and addressed that one to Rayven's mother. He sat staring at the fire until the early morning light began to crest the horizon. Getting to his feet he walked over to the new rookie's tent and asked Brad Lewis to deliver the letter to Mrs. McEllis.
He rode the helicopter to the hotspot, where he was to release the cable that would cause the bucket to drop water on the fire. When it came time to flip the switch he jumped. As he was falling to earth he watched the flames, smoke and felt the heat. He smiled. "It's finished."
------
They sat in stunned silence for what seemed a lifetime before the baby brought them back to reality. Unconsciously they both had linked their hands over Rayven's stomach.
"Whoa," Rayven said softly. "When did Tom die?"
"He died when I was seven months pregnant." Jaxon answered thoughtfully.
"He said you were only together that one time. He didn't try and rape you again did he?"
"It was true, Rayven, we got married and moved into a two bedroom apartment. I had one bedroom he had the other. We never slept together again. We never touched each other. In fact, when I told Tom I would be his wife in name only he seemed happy, like the thought of being with me disgusted him."
"How could someone not want to be with you?" She blushed, realizing what she had said.
Laughing softly, Jaxon said, "The only person I ever wanted to be with was you, my love."
"Well. . . I. . . thought. . ."
"Shh," Jaxon pressed two fingers to Rayven's lips. "We may have been married; love, but I only saw Tom at the house a few times. The rest of the time I don't know where he was and I didn't care as long as he wasn't around me."
"I'm sorry." Rayven whispered. "I shouldn't have left like that. But all our life, Jaxon, I always believed your words. I never doubted you in any way. When you said that is what you would do if you were Mary Sue I truly believed it was what you wanted me to do. I thought you were telling me to leave. I never realized that he had raped you. You didn't say anything. I should have been here to help you through it." She cried. "I'm so sorry."
"I was fortunate; love, in that I don't remember the rape. I still don't. I remember seeing my friends' dead, hearing scattered words from the medic and Tom. The next thing I remember is you asking me why I had sex with Tom. The actually act didn't hurt, I didn't feel anything, physically or emotionally." She hugged Rayven closer. "My guilt, pain and regret came from hurting you. Not being raped."
"I didn't know. I'm sorry I wasn't here for you; sorry we wasted so many years. I have so many regrets over what happened. I should have known you wouldn't have slept with him. I knew you better than that. When I only received silence from you I thought it was because you simply didn't know how to tell me you didn't want me anymore."
"I love you, Rayven. That is in the past. I only wish. . ."
"What?"
"I wish that the child you are carrying was mine. What are we going to do about your husband?"
"We have many things to discuss, sweetheart. There are so many questions still left unanswered but there are several I can answer for you now."
"What do you mean?"
Taking a few moments to compose herself Rayven said, "I don't have a husband, Jaxon. I'm not married."
"Then who is the father of your baby?"
"Mark Serrano." She replied.
"Do you love him?"
"No. I hardly know him."
"What? Were you raped?"
"Hold on a minute." She stated, bringing Jaxon's fingers up to her mouth and kissing them slowly. She felt the tremors run through the body she was leaning against and smiled.
"Several years ago I decided I wanted a child. I never stopped loving you and maybe it was selfish or wrong but I wanted my child to look like you."
"That isn't selfish or wrong, love, it's very beautiful. Thank you."
She smiled, "Anyway, I viewed thousands of donors over the last few years but none of them were what I wanted. Then my last trip to Australia my guide could have been your twin - the resemblance was so amazing. I had a close friend who is also a private investigator run a check on him and it came back that Mark Serrano is your cousin."
"My cousin? Honey, I don't have a cousin named Mark."
"Years ago, your family split. One brother came out west and the other went to Australia. I have the papers in my bedroom of your family tree and also the proof that yes, Mark Serrano is your first cousin."
"So. . . the baby you are carrying is mine."
"Yes, as close as I could get. They are yours."
"The. . . they?" Jaxon stuttered.
"Yeah. At my last doctors visit I had them run the ultrasound. We are having two girls."
Jaxon turned Rayven around and drew her painfully close, wrapping her up, large hands spread over the very swollen belly. "Mine." She whispered, as happy tears rolled down her cheeks.
"Yes, love. The babies and I are yours. If you want us," she added with a hint of insecurity in her voice.
"Oh, God, if this is a dream, I don't ever want to wake up," she whispered. "My love, sweet, sweet love, of course I want you. I love you and the babies." Without breaking eye contact, Jaxon eased Rayven back against the blankets and slowly moved her head down to rest lightly on her lover's stomach. Turning her head, she kissed the swell of Rayven's belly while caressing her with her hands.
"Jaxon, please, no." Rayven felt embarrassed and shy. "It would be a little awkward right now, wouldn't it?"
"We could make it beautiful, Rayven. You and I." She slipped her hands under the maternity top and pulled it up to bare the swollen stomach.
"Jaxon, what are you doing?"
"I'm going to kiss my baby girls." She turned her face back to Rayven's stomach, gently kissing the swell.
"Please, Jaxon, I'm not. . . I'm not. . ." she began to cry.
"Oh baby, don't cry. You're beautiful to me. You are having our children. Honey this gift you are giving me is so wonderful I don't have words to express what it means to me."
"But my body is the size of a barn. I worked so hard at having a great body so if I ever met you again you'd like what you saw. Now, I can't even see my shoes." She cried harder.
"Shh, honey you're going to make yourself sick. Calm down please."
"I didn't want. . . you to see me like this."
"I love seeing you like this. You were always beautiful, but now you're radiant." Her voice was incredibly soft. "I love you more than life."
Shifting, Jaxon secured Rayven in the circle of her arms. She held her gently, whispering words of love whiling stroking her body as she would a frightened colt.
Rayven clutched her stomach as one of the babies kicked harder. "Oh, they are getting rambunctious." She sniffled.
Jaxon laughed softly and laid her hand on Rayven's belly. "Come on, sweethearts," she coaxed. "Let us know you're in there."
Rayven giggled. "Easy for you to say. You're not the one they're kicking."
One of the babies kicked again. "That's right, sweethearts. We're out here waiting for you both."
Another kick followed with a deep yawn from Rayven.
"We need to get you to bed, love. It's been a long day."
"A good day," she asked quietly.
"The best. Oh, Rayven, I've missed you; I've missed us. You are my heart, my soul, without you my life meant nothing.
"I love you too. But what should we tell Donny?"
"Donny knows I love you and always have. He'll understand."
A few moments passed in silence then Rayven glanced up at Jaxon with a look of determination. She wanted love and life and Jaxon . . . the way they used to be. "Honey, I have always loved you, there's no question about that," she said softly. "And I'm thankful that we have finally found out the truth after all this time. But loving and liking are two very different issues. You can have either one without the other. It's when you have both that the real magic happens, and I want to see if that magic is there for us."
"Rayven, we can't go back. Things can't be the same as they were. Not after all we've been through," Jaxon told her. She wanted Rayven's love, respect, and commitment. She wanted back all the things they'd lost. She swallowed hard. "In your years alone you learned how to live without me, but I learned something, too." In an unsteady voice, she admitted, "I can live without you, Rayven. I can survive. I just. . . don't want to. There's this place in my heart where only you fit, where you belong, without you I'm not a complete person.
Rayven's smile was immediate and as sweet and spontaneous as Jaxx could have dreamed it might be. "Oh, Jaxon." Rayven whispered her name before reaching her hand up to caress a tanned cheek.
Jaxx gathered her wife more securely in her arms, holding the small woman close, speaking hesitantly. "If you think that . . . maybe someday . . . you can feel at least part of the love you used to feel for me . . ."
"But I already love you, Jaxon, so much it hurts sometimes," she confessed. She stared up into blue eyes now wide with wonder . . . almost disbelief.
The fire fighters eyes misted with tears as she hugged Rayven and kissed the top of her head. "Thank you," she said aloud and her breath stirred the blond hair with words. "Rayven . . .let's start over." She spoke gently. "Marry me, all over again."
"Yes, I'll marry you again, Jaxon."
"I love you so," she offered in a solemn, almost reverent tone. Her hands moved into silky loose hair as her gaze lowered to the smiling soft lips. "Always. Forever."
"Jaxx," Rayven replied, "I love you, too. . . so much." Then she rose, meeting her in a gentle exchange that deepened rapidly into a lingering kiss filled with the love and longing of the past years. "I've missed you," she whispered as Jaxon raised her chin to look into her eyes.
"How did I go on without you?" she wondered aloud. "I've missed everything about you. You're so gentle, loving, beautiful . . ." Jaxon spoke tender words that brought fresh tears to Rayven's eyes that she tried to blink away. "You're all I've ever wanted, Rayven."
"Am I?" she asked quietly. "Honestly? Still?"
Jaxon studied watery green eyes, so gloomy and wide with worry. "Honestly. Still," she answered, her eyes as dark as midnight. "And always."
Rayven's lips curved into the satisfied smile that Jaxon was watching for, and she moved with certainty back into the taller woman's embrace, knowing her place was there, in the depths of Jaxx heart. "We'll take things slowly. One day at a time and get to know each other all over again."
The look in Jaxon's eyes was one of pure love combined with a determination to show her soul mate who she had become without holding anything back. This was the chance that she had waited eight long years for and there was no way she would give this up. "We have already begun, Rayven. We need to communicate more. Share our feelings and our thoughts. I know in the past I wasn't always good at that but I promise I'll do better."
"Will you hold me while I sleep?"
"Honey, I'll hold you and keep you safe through the night, every night, as long as we live."
By the time they reached the yellow house and got ready for bed, Rayven was exhausted from the emotional events of the day. Jaxon held her so gently, so possessively, so protectively. The taller woman exuded heat and light, safety and love. The ex-firefighter made her feel complete. She rested her head against the tanned shoulder. Her mouth was against Jaxon's bare skin, the material of her nightshirt brushing against her cheek. "We'll live forever," Rayven promised, "because that's how long I'll love you. . ."
<<<
A shot rang out in the night followed by a female's cry. The very wealthy and crooked industrialist grinned broadly as he slung the high power rifle over his shoulder then turned heading for the black helicopter sitting on a small clearing barely large enough to land.
The silent helicopter flew away with the promise of landing another day. The bears were let into the enclosed area to feed on the human prey. Later the bones would be ground into ashes and scattered in the winds.
<<
A week later, Lois reached to answer the insistent ringing of the phone wondering who would be calling her at this late hour. "Hello?"
"I have to talk to you," the caller said, knowing he didn't need to identify himself.
"What the hell do you think you're doing calling me here?" she demanded when she realized who the caller was.
"Yeah, well the plan backfired and Chief Jaden fired my ass. I need money."
"You expect me to give you money?"
"I suggest you consider for a moment some facts. One, you called me, two I can identify you and connect you with at least three murders. Do I get my money or not?"
Lois released a blast of profanity. "No, Mr. Gilmore, if I were you I would reconsider who you are dealing with," she said with disdain.
"I need money if I'm going to complete the job and you are going to give it to me. Understand?"
"Then you had better listen and listen well. Jaxon Segreto is staying at Sleepy Springs where she hooked up with her ex-lover Rayven McEllis, who is very pregnant. I want her taken out along with Segreto's kid. You got it."
"Why not take out Jaxon Segreto?"
"Because, you idiot, you want to cause her pain and they are the ticket. Do the job and you'll have more money than you can blow."
"Yeah, that would work. I want the bitch to feel the loss as I have."
"Good. It appears we have an understanding."
"Yes. What about the money?"
"I'll meet you at our usual place tomorrow at 4 p.m. Mr. Gilmore, don't mess this up or you won't live to regret it." And with the warning, the line went dead.
<<<
The phone rang on Saturday morning around seven. Jaxon reached for it. Normally, she would have been out working already but she had decided to take the day off and spend some quality down time with Rayven in bed resting and cuddling. Even through they hadn't taken their physical relationship to the next level, these moments of togetherness were pure bliss and times like these were helping to heal many deep wounds.
Jaxon answered on the second ring. "Hello."
"Jaxx, how are you?" came the far too chipper voice of her friend Darlene.
"I'm fine, Darlene. You know it should be criminal to sound so chirpy this time of morning? Is something wrong? Surely you wouldn't be calling at seven in the morning if there wasn't."
"No . . . I mean, not really. . . umm."
"What's up?"
"WellÖ.you said to give you some time alone with Rayven and all but wellÖ.we miss you and Ö." Taking a deep breath she continued, "Okay, Jaxx, we're all dying to know how things are." Came a giggle. "Sounds like something teenagers would do doesn't it, checking up on each other."
Rayven laughed at hearing the conversation while she moved her fingers in circles across Jaxx firm stomach. "Friends - gotta love them." She whispered softly, as she kissed the tanned, soft skin under her lips, enjoying the tremors that ran through her wife's body.
"Hey, that's okay. I love you guys." She ran her fingers threw Rayven's blond hair. "WE are doing fantastic."
"We?" questioned Darlene, excitement evident in her voice.
"Yes, we, my wife, the love of my life, my soul mate, and my best friend are lying here cuddling in bed, which by the way you disturbed us from." Jaxon had barely finished when she jerked the phone away from her ear as shouts of excitement and yells could be heard in the background.
A rustle, bang, a scraping noise then a deep breath was heard before Jaden spoke, "Jaxx, were so happy for you, both. The other reason we called was to invite you all to come climbing with us today. We haven't really had any quality time with Rayven and thought it would give us a chance to get to know her better. We planned on having a picnic up at Little River Falls. We thought we'd take the company van."
"It's really nice for you guys to think of us. How long have you been up?"
Laughing softly, Emily took the phone. "Morning tuff stuff. We've been up since five and fighting over calling you since six. The van's loaded; Matt and Hailey are finishing loading the food now. How about we pick you up in about an hour?"
"Just a minute let me ask Rayven."
Blue eyes full of excitement looked into soft green with a touch of sleep lurking in their depths. "Do you feel up to going, sweetheart? I did promise you a morning of cuddling. It's okay with me if we don't go."
Compromise, giving, sharing not taking, concerns about her feelings and desires were words that filtered through Rayven's vocabulary as she looked up at her soul mate. "I would love to go."
"Okay, we'll be ready. See you all soon." Hanging up she brought Rayven closer and hugged her gently. "Thank you, for loving me."
"Of course I love you. Besides I'm excited to get to know your friends better".
"I'll go wake up Donny and get our stuff together." Jaxx said before placing a soft kiss on Rayven's waiting lips, which grew in intensity that surprised them both. Chests heaving, pulses racing and lack of oxygen caused stars to shine before her eyes as Jaxx broke the kiss reluctantly. "Wow!"
A dreamy eyed Rayven couldn't agree more. "Yeah, we don't have time and to be honest I'm not ready yet." Looking sad and disappointed as unshed tears wet her eyes.
"Baby, it's okay. We said we'd take things slow. I love where we're going. I love you."
Rayven sniffled. "Yeah, it's just that my hormones are all confused. They say go for it, my heart says wait. I don't mean to tease you."
"You're not teasing me. I love the way our bodies respond to each other, but honey, I want more than sex, I want love, commitment and ever after. I want the magic. Just give us some time."
"Okay, I want that too," whispered the smaller woman as she wrapped her arms around Jaxx neck, burying her face in her wife's hair. "Love you."
<<<
"Rope!" Matt flung the coiled climbing rope far out into the air. It soared in a graceful arch, unwinding as it flew. It was one of those rare days in the mountains with virtually no wind. The clicking fall of tiny pebbles knocked loose by the disturbance of the rope sounded crisp and clear in the quiet air. Rayven could hear the voices clearly even through they hadn't raised their voices.
As Matt finished anchoring the first three ropes, he called down. "Would you put me on belay?"
Jaden complied quickly, setting up the rope so he could prevent his partner from falling. "Belay is on!"
Matt started to down climb doing beautiful gymnastic moves. His form was as close to Jaxx's as she'd seen.
Hailey Phillips cornered Rayven with a few friendly words as the rest of the group began discussing the plan of attack on the mountain face. Hailey was about her same height, short blond hair and youthful features; she preferred white water rafting over mountain climbing, which was her specialty. "Emily and I would like you and Jaxon to come white water rafting with us sometime.
Rayven liked the brunette instantly. Laughing gently in return, she nodded. "I think that would be a great idea, although it will have to wait until after the babies are born."
"Babies!" Hailey took a step back and looked closely at the very pregnant woman before her. "Umm. . . you said babies. As in more than one?"
Rayven smiled. "I told Jaxon a couple of weeks ago after my last doctor's appointment. Please, don't spoil it for her by telling anyone. I think she's walking on clouds."
Hailey reached out and touched Rayven's arm lightly, "I just wanted to say how happy we all are for the both of you." She released Rayven's arm and brought her hand up to brush the hair that had came loose away from her light gray eyes, "Jaxon has been lost for so many years. It does my heart good to see her find her center of balance again."
Rayven looked off into the distance for a moment collecting her thoughts, "Do many people know the whole story?" she asked quietly.
"Only, the six of us." Hailey frowned, wondering what the young woman was thinking. "She told us that about eight years ago she made the biggest mistake of her life, she betrayed you and lost you. She has lived with the guilt every day since then. There were times that we wondered if she would. . ." Hailey stopped realizing what she was about to say.
Rayven gasped, raising a hand to cover her mouth. Jaxon told her she had thought about ending her life, but until now she hadn't realized it was more than just a thought.
"Rayven?" A voice behind her spoke. "Rayven, are you Okay? What's wrong?" Jaxon asked as she walked up and wrapped a long tanned arm around the small woman.
Rayven turned and wrapped her tall lover in a hug, holding her as close as she could. The blond didn't know what she would have done if Jaxon had taken her life. Tears began to flow from her eyes as soundless sobs shook her body.
Jaxon looked up to see Hailey silently walking away, joining her lover by the van. "Hey, what's wrong, honey?" she asked while rubbing the blonds' back softly. "What is it, sweetheart, what has upset you so?" She pulled back and wiped the tears from the soft checks as she gently lifted the writer's face.
Strong arms circled the blond and pulled her into the shelter of the ex-firefighters body. "Promise me," Rayven sounded as if she was on the verge of hysteria. Taking a deep breath she added, "Promise me you will never leave me."
"Oh honey, I promise. I'm here for as long as you will have me." Jaxon frowned she didn't understand what set her love into such an emotional state. Maybe it's hormonal.
Emily and Hailey watched as Jaxon led Rayven over to one of the tables they had set up and helped her sit down. The tall woman slid in beside her and held Rayven close, encouraging the small woman to rest comfortably for a moment. The rest of the world drifted away while the two spoke softly to each other.
"Did Jaxon tell you the news?" asked Hailey softly as she watched the two lovers.
"Yeah, can you believe it? She has everything she's always wanted right there in her arms. I'm glad she's finally at peace."