Tempus Fugit
By Mavis Applewater
For disclaimers see part one.
Thanks to my beta reader Mary! Who I forgot to thank for working herself to the bone with the first two installments.
As always this is for Heather.
Part Three 1958
We were still dancing to Elvis and Ricky Nelson along with Fats Domino and the Big Bopper. The big change in my life was that I now slowed danced to Doris Day with girls at Mabel's which pretended to be a little café, but everyone in town knew it was a gay girl bar. The hot movies to see were Vertigo and Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. I still had the hots for Elizabeth Taylor. I was happy at school, hated going home and I was beginning to wonder if my budding friendship with Connie might be a mistake.
That first year away from home was the best thing that ever happened, and the first summer I went home sucked the life out of me. I drove home full of life and bravado only to feel suffocated the moment I walked into my parent's home. Even if my high school experience hadn't ended the way it did I would have felt the same way. I was no longer a part of this world. After that summer I either stayed up in Northampton for summer classes or I opted to do a little traveling; anything to avoid going home.
During the early part of my sophomore year Ginny was becoming more and more persistent about my needing to get on with my life. There was a change in her tone. It was no longer self sacrificing. She began dropping not so subtle hints that she didn't always sleep alone at night. It hurt at first, but it also helped me with a growing dilemma. Connie and I were becoming closer and closer. Things were happening between us our emotions growing in a direction that neither of us had planned. I think I started to realize that I felt more than friendship for Connie the night we went to see An Affair to Remember together. Hey it's a four hankie movie how can you not get emotional? But there was Ginny and no matter how much I was hurting Connie I just couldn't betray Ginny.
I resolved the problem the only way I could think of. I wrote to Ginny and told her everything. When Ginny wrote back she echoed what she had been trying to tell me all along. I needed to move on with my life. She practically demanded that I go out with Connie. This was made easier when she confessed that yes there had been others. Well she was in prison just what did I expect?
Now that all of the guilt barriers had been lifted there was no reason for me not to explore my feelings for Connie. My roommate and I embarked on a sweet romantic and very short lived journey. Funny thing was once all the angst of forbidden temptation vanished the passion we thought we felt quickly fizzled.
It was no small wonder that whenever Ginny's name came up Connie went into a tizzy. I never stopped trying to help Ginny or writing to her. Just because we agreed that the romance was over didn't mean I was ready to write her out of my life. My parents still wrote and visited her every chance they got. Dad went so far as to hang a picture of his kids in the barber shop. The picture was of all three of his kids, Sammy, Ginny and Me. No matter what did or did not happen between us romantically Ginny was a part of the family.
I could see Connie's point. Ginny, after all, was my first girlfriend and the first woman I had been intimate with. Her being a little jealous was understandable. Still Ginny was locked up in a jail cell half way across the state. I couldn't even see or speak to Ginny. What did Connie think was going to happen? Did she think that Ginny would bust out, and sweep me off my feet before we started our life on the run?
I hung in there and tried to balance my class load with Connie's paranoia. I was working my butt off to do well in school. I didn't need the drama of having to suddenly find a new roommate. Not to mention the talk it would cause. Even though special friendships happened now and then no one really talked about it. Still everyone knew which roommates really didn't need that extra bed in the room. When the school year ended I didn't want to go home and I didn't want to spend the summer with Connie. So I did a little traveling before taking on a summer class and getting a job.
The break seemed to help the growing tension between us. When Connie returned in the fall things were better except instead of annoying one another we had somehow fallen into stagnation. I don't know which was worse the semester before when her fear of my running off with Ginny overwhelmed us or the calm that bored us? It is never a good sign when you start making love out of habit instead of passion.
"I love it when it is like this," I inhaled the crisp autumn air late one evening. Evelyn and I had been studying at the library and I wasn't in a hurry to return to my room. "I could just stay out here all night." I sighed happily.
"It is nice," Evelyn nodded. "Can't help wondering if your interest is in the stars or if you're just avoiding spending time with your roomie."
"Uhm," I curled my lips knowing that as much as I trusted people I could never be certain how they would react if I told them the truth. Instead of answering I just kicked a few leaves about.
"Ellen?" She challenged with mischievous grin. "I thought things were better after taking a break over the summer. And before you start hemming and hawing. I'm not going to rat you out. I know some of our classmates would be troubled. I must confess a few years ago I would have been included in that group."
"Yeah, so what changed?" I carefully tested the waters.
"My sister," she smirked. "Turns out she butters her bread on the same side. I was shocked at first. But it didn't change who she was. I still love her. So, back to Connie. Everything okay?"
"I don't know," I glumly confessed. "For months we drove ourselves crazy. Or rather I drove her crazy. Then when I finally gave in, it wasn't all that. First she was all jealous over Ginny. I even had to take down that picture of my family just because Ginny was in it."
"Well in her defense, I can understand her point," Evelyn nudged me. "I'm sorry but your ex-girlfriend is very hot. And Connie is attractive but,"
"She's very attractive," I debated. "I don't judge things on the physical level."
"Are you sure you were a rah-rah?" Evelyn teased me.
"I've got the pom-poms to prove it, Baby," I boldly reassured her. "I get Connie's insecurity. That's why I've done everything I could to reassure her. I took the picture down. I don't bring Ginny up in conversation. I've been skating on thin ice ever since we started dating. What I won't do is forget Ginny. I'm not going to stop writing to her or trying to help her just because things between us didn't work out. I'm still her friend."
"Good for you," Evelyn complimented me. "Must make it hard though. If the two of youhad just broken up that would be one thing."
"I get it," I sighed wearily. "Trust me I get it. Still the break over the summer helped. It's just now; I don't know how to explain it. There's no spark. Maybe I just need to try harder."
"How much harder?" Evelyn shook her head.
"Beats me." I groused shaking my head. "Come on we should head back. So did you ever find out why Helen bailed?"
"No," Evelyn scrunched up her face. "I can't understand it. Ever since I was in junior high I've been working my butt off to get into one of the seven sisters. Smith wasn't even my first choice. I wanted Bryn Mawr. Kind of worked out that I didn't get in there. My sister did and we were determined to attend different colleges."
"Why?"
"We're twins," she shrugged. "And sick of being lumped together."
"My God they follow me everywhere," I stammered.
"What?" Evelyn shook her head. "Didn't I mention Erika is my twin?"
"No," I cringed.
"And you have a problem with twins because?" She prompted seemingly a little disturbed by my attitude.
"I don't," I quickly asserted. "Well just one. Ginny's sister. The one she took the fall for."
"That hottie is a twin?" Evelyn gaped.
"Are you sure Erika's the lesbian?" I teased her.
"Positive," she laughed heartily. "I don't like to see myself naked much less another girl."
"Would you have done it?" I questioned seriously. "Gone to jail for Erika?"
"In a heartbeat," she answered without question. "Then again she would have never allowed it to happen. I have two other sisters and I have to say I'd do anything to save them. Again, I seriously doubt they would have allowed me to make the sacrifice. Didn't Ginny's sister try and stop it from happening?"
"No," I grumbled as we approached our house. "Laurie was the one who set her up. Now she pretends she never had a sister. She doesn't even write to her."
"That's so twisted," Evelyn cringed. "Like something out of Alfred Hitchcock. I thought Helen was a screwball."
"No kidding," I shook my head. "Bust your ass to get in here and then just drop out. Doesn't make sense. I mean I was a little thrown when I got here. Suddenly I wasn't one of the brightest. It's hard to keep up. Frankly it is one of the things I love about college."
"Where else did you apply?"
"Penn, Syracuse and Stanford," I shrugged. "This was my first choice. I was a little miffed that Stanford didn't accept me."
"California would have been nice," she theorized.
"I only applied because Ginny had applied there," I confessed. "My parents made it painfully clear that attending college on the opposite of the country was out of the question. Doesn't matter they didn't accept me and my reason for wanting to go there ended up in prison. So are you and Erika identical twins?"
"Yes." She drew out.
"Ever trade places?" I questioned as we took a seat out on the front porch.
"All the time," she laughed. "We use to drive our babysitters crazy."
"Ever do it with a date?" I was truly curious about that one.
"A couple of times," she frowned. "That wasn't as much fun as tormenting the babysitter. What's up you want me to fix you up with my sister? You're too late she's madly in love. Supposedly so are you."
"Yeah," I groaned. "What to do?"
"I'd say break it off," she volunteered. "You don't look happy. It's not like you can't meet someone else. I know that most of the girls here are straight still there is that percentage."
"Oh trust me I've met a fair share of lasses around here that share my interest," I confided resting my head in my hands. "It just doesn't seem right. I made her wait. And now that I've finally made my choice I can't just dump her."
"Is she the one you really want?" Evelyn pushed.
"I don't know," I confessed with a halfhearted shrug. "Thanks for letting me bend your ear."
"No sweat," she patted me on the shoulder before we finally dragged ourselves inside.
The semester was great except for my constant worrying that my girlfriend was going flake out at any given moment. One afternoon just before Christmas break she was in a tizzy. "Where have you been?" She demanded when I entered our room.
"Trying to get my copy of Breakfast At Tiffany's back from Blair," I calmly explained holding the book up for emphasis. "I hate loaning her things it takes forever to get them back. Why did I miss something?"
"No." She blurted out a little too quickly.
"Okay," I shook my head making my way over to my side of the room. I know it bugged Connie, but I needed to keep my space. Granted it was a small space but it was mine. Connie was spazzing about something and she was lying to me. I hated it. I just wanted her to say what was going on instead of making me guess. There was nothing I could do. I just had to wait until she poked and prodded before demanding an explanation. Ever since we became a couple Connie really did become less and less appealing.
"So have you thought about Christmas?" She threw out trying much too hard to sound casual.
"I told you that I'm going home," I sighed sensing that my refusal to go home with her was just the tip of the iceberg. "I haven't seen my family much."
"You could have visited them anytime you wanted," she fussed. "They don't live that far away. And you do have that car."
"Connie I'm not in the mood," I tried to dissuade her. "I'm going to see my family for Christmas and that's final. If you have a problem with that we can talk about it. But I'm not up for this game."
"Game?" Connie fumed. "I only want to spend time with you over the holidays. I'm your girlfriend. Or are you still waiting for little Miss Perfect to get sprung?'
'Round four hundred and fifty seven of the same fight,' I silently groaned. "I'm here with you." I stressed.
"And she's up for parole in a few months," Connie whined collapsing on her bed. "What are you going to do when she gets out?"
'Finally!' I silently screamed. Ginny's coming up for parole in a few months and Connie's worried. 'I get it. What I don't get is how Connie knows Ginny's first parole hearing will happen sometime around next June? It isn't like I'd bring it up in conversation.' I blew out a terse breath deciding to deal with the matter at hand. I sat down beside her placing a comforting hand on her shoulder before I began. "If and when she gets out I'll be her friend," I surmised. It wasn't the truth. I had no idea, what I was going to do when Ginny got out. "She knows about you. Hell she was the one who insisted that I go out with you in the first place."
"That doesn't make me feel better," Connie scowled. "You waited until she gave you permission. You have no idea how that makes me feel."
"No, I don't," I readily admitted hoping that she would just tell me how she felt. She didn't; she just stomped out of the room. For a brief moment I felt a sense of relief. Maybe she'd just break up with me. Then I felt the familiar stirrings of guilt. The same feelings I felt back in high school when I needed an out with some guy. She came back several hours later pretending nothing that had happened. She never brought up our holiday plans again. Foolishly I let it slide. I went home for Christmas, had a great time with my family. The only curious thing was apparently Ginny had been writing to me only I hadn't received any letters from her since October. I wrote it off assuming that the prison staff hadn't released her letters. It happened from time to time. All the while I had a sinking feeling that when I got back to school it might be in my best interest to pick up my own mail.
Honestly my introduction to the world of lesbian dating had been unique to say the least. My first girlfriend loved me enough to let me go. My second girlfriend was smothering me with her love. I was curious to say the least to see what the future held.
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