DISCLAIMER: This story and all its characters belong to me. Any similarities to anyone living or dead are purely coincidental. Most of the places in this story actually exist or existed, though.
AUTHOR NOTES: English is not my native language, so please be patient with me.
This story is set on the Oregon Trail in 1851. Although I did a LOT of research and tried to make things as realistic as possible, there might be some mistakes. Please let me know if you spot any.
SUMMARY: “Luke” Hamilton has always been sure that she’d never marry. She accepted that she would spend her life alone when she chose to live her life disguised as a man.
After working in a brothel for three years, Nora Macauley has lost all illusions about love. She no longer hopes for a man who will sweep her off her feet and take her away to begin a new, respectable life.
But now they find themselves married and on the way to Oregon in a covered wagon, with two thousand miles ahead of them.
RATING: NC-17. This story depicts a loving/sexual relationship between two consenting adult women.
THANKS: A very big
thank you goes to my beta reader Pam for her corrections and valuable input. I
couldn't have done this without you!
FEEDBACK: Feedback, comments and
constructive criticism are welcome at jae_s1978@yahoo.de
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
Backwards to Oregon
By Jae
Part 5
“That’s as far as I am going,” Ben Macauley said. He pointed at the three block houses that made up Fort Boise. “I’ll deliver the supplies and return to the states. Are you sure that you don’t want to come with me?”
Nora didn’t hesitate. “No.” Boston had long since ceased to be her home. All her hopes and dreams were now in Oregon.
“All right. I’ll tell mother that you’re married to a decorated former officer who’s now the leader of a wagon train. That should make her happy.” Ben reached for the reins of his horse. “Anything else you want me to tell her?”
“Tell her that I have a wonderful daughter and a kind husband.” Nora hoped that this would mean much more to her mother than any titles her husband might have. “Tell her I’m happy.”
Ben gave a short nod, but didn’t react otherwise. Power and appearances had always meant more to him than kindness. He shook Luke’s hand and took Nora into a stiff, impersonal embrace for a second. Then he bent down to Amy. “Come on, girl, give your uncle Ben a hug,” he demanded.
Amy threw her small arms around Luke’s legs, holding on with desperation. She hid her face against the fabric of Luke’s pants and peeked with one eye at Ben.
Ben snorted derisively. He pointed a warning finger at Luke. “If you have a son,” he said, nodding towards Nora’s belly, “you better make sure that he doesn’t become such a yellowbelly as this one!”
Amy, well aware that Ben was talking about her, only clutched Luke’s leg tighter.
Nora pressed her lips together. The thoughtless, cruel way in which he spoke about Amy hurt her. It was the same way the men of her family had always used to talk to her.
Luke bent down and lifted Amy into his arms. “If I had a son,” he said slowly, looking right at Ben, “I would be proud if he was as clever as Amy, hugging me but not a stranger who she’s never seen before in her life.”
With a timid smile, Amy hugged him around the neck.
Ben frowned and rode away with a shake of his head.
Nora’s gaze didn’t follow him, it remained fixed on Luke. She marveled at his ability to make Amy feel like she was worth something. He had done the same thing for her since they had left Independence. “Thank you,” she said softly.
Luke turned to look at her. Their gazes met. “You don’t have to thank me for telling the truth. All right. Why don’t we visit the fort now? Maybe they’ll even have some candy,” he said, smiling down at Amy.
Still gazing at him, Nora followed behind them.
* * *
Luke strode across Fort Boise’s small parade ground with Amy perched on her arm. The fort had been modelled after Fort Hall, but was much smaller. It had been built by the Hudson Bay Company, but now as beavers had become so rare in this area, the HBC had left the area and the fort fell more and more into disrepair. Today, a few Frenchmen and some Shoshone sat in the shadow of the block houses.
The chance to buy some candy here was almost nonexistent. Maybe she could at least buy a necklace of colorful beads for Amy. She made her way over to one of the Shoshone women selling necklaces when someone grabbed her shoulder and roughly pulled her around.
She stumbled, fighting not to lose her balance. A kick took her legs out from under her. She heard Nora scream as she fell. Tugging Amy protectively against her body, she couldn’t break the fall with her hands.
The next kick came as soon as she landed, but this time, Luke was prepared. She grabbed the unknown attacker’s boot and pulled until she felt him fall, too. This gave her the time to quickly release Amy and usher her over to her mother. When she turned back around, the attacker was already getting to his feet.
He swung his meaty fists at her.
Luke rolled to the side. She felt his knuckles graze her ear and grabbed his arm in mid-roll, using his momentum to bring him down again.
He scrambled up with the snort of an angry bull. The veins on his neck were bulging. “I’ll teach you to stick to your own business, bastard! Did you really think I’d would allow you to take my wife away from me?!”
He threw himself forward again, striking out with both fists at once.
Luke agilely sidestepped the attack, and when Larson stumbled past her, she hammered her fist down on the back of his neck.
He collapsed on his belly, and sprang up again, now even more furious than before.
Luke carefully began to circle him. She knew that she had to end this fast, before he could tire her out. He was stronger, taller and heavier than her, and her only advantage was her quickness.
She sprang forward and back, sidestepped and ducked under his swings, hooks and jabs, until his face was red from anger and extortion. “Fight like a man, you coward!” he yelled at her.
Luke didn’t react. She had learned a long time ago to keep a cool head while fighting. She feinted left, and when he shifted his weight to block the punch, she took his legs out from under him with a kick.
From his prone position, he lunged at her legs.
Luke met him with a kick to his ribs. She could hear one of his bones snap and hesitated to follow up with another kick.
With a piercing yell, Larson tackled her to the ground.
Her head hit the ground. For a second, she could see nothing but bright stars.
Then Larson straddled her, pressing the air from her lungs with his weight. His fist hit her in the face. Left. Right. Then left again.
Blood begun to run into her eyes. She struggled to find purchase with her boots on the ground, trying to dislodge him from on top of her, but the much heavier Larson didn’t budge.
Don’t panic! She jabbed her fingers at his eye. When he reached up to protect the vulnerable area, she hit his Adam’s apple with all her might.
With a choking sound, Larson grabbed his throat.
Another punch to his already cracked rib and Luke could throw him off. This time, she didn’t repeat her mistake of showing him any compassion. She rolled around and pressed her knees against his chest, while she pummeled him left and right. “Do you give up?” She paused with her fist in front of his face.
“Never!” Larson moaned.
Luke hit him again, then stopped. Her hands were bleeding and raw, and she had no intention of beating him to death. His ribs and his nose were broken, and he stared up at her with glassy eyes. She didn’t think that he would be much of a danger anymore.
She stood and with hanging arms, she walked over to Nora, who held Amy in a tight embrace. Her expression was one of pure horror, and Luke gave her a reassuring smile.
Something hit her in the shoulder.
Why am I lying down? Luke thought dazedly. I won! Slowly, she looked down.
A red stain was spreading over her shirt. She realized that someone had shot her. Funny thing. It doesn’t even hurt. She watched with interest as her blood dripped onto the ground.
Then Bill Larson stepped into her line of sight, a revolver dangling from his hand. “There are still some men in this train who recognize a man’s conjugal rights,” he said with a sneer. “Thanks, Brody.”
Brody Cowen had thrown Larson a weapon. Larson lifted the revolver again, until Luke looked directly into its muzzle.
Luke closed her eyes.
She heard a distinctive click as the hammer was pulled back.
“Put the gun down,” a trembling voice came from somewhere behind Larson.
Nora. Luke opened her eyes again. God, please, please, please, stay out of this! Don’t make him shoot you, too!
“Or what?” Bill Larson mocked, not even turning around.
“Or I’m gonna shoot you,” Nora said. Her voice was quiet, but determined.
Luke weakly lifted her head, trying to get a glimpse at her.
Amy was nowhere in sight. Nora stood alone, holding the small revolver with both hands. The barrel pointed at Larson, but it was visibly trembling.
Despite her own predicament, Luke felt a proud smile flit across her face.
“Oh, don’t worry, Bill, she won’t squeeze the trigger. She doesn’t have the balls it takes to shoot someone,” Brody Cowen said with a mocking laugh. “When she pointed that toy at me, I took it from her without a problem.”
With a nod, Larson lifted his revolver again, aiming it directly between Luke’s eyes.
A shot rang out.
Luke felt no pain. She blinked up at Larson.
He was still standing.
He missed, Luke thought hazily.
Then the revolver fell from Larson’s hands. He sank to his knees, his eyes wide with disbelief or pain as he clutched his chest. He swayed for a moment, then fell on his face.
Luke thought she’d heard another shot when her vision dimmed and the world around her grew dark and silent.
* * *
Nora let her still smoking revolver fall from her limp grasp. She stared at the motionless body of Bill Larson, then swiveled around to watch Brody Cowen clutch his stomach, the revolver in his hand forgotten as he realized he was going to die.
His agonized cries made Nora dizzy. Bile rose in her throat. I killed two people! She looked down, expecting to see blood on her hands, but they were clean.
The same thing couldn’t be said for Luke’s shirt. A large red stain covered his shoulder and chest, and it quickly spread.
Nausea threatened to overwhelm her again. Nora bent down, gasping for breath.
When someone dragged the dying Brody Cowen away, Nora slowly straightened. You can fall apart later, now help Luke before he bleeds to death! The mere thought of Luke dying made her stomach lurch again, but this time, she forced down her panic and knelt down next to Luke.
“Luke?” she whispered, pressing her apron against his right shoulder to stop the bleeding.
He didn’t answer. His eyes were closed. Only the weak rising and falling of his chest told her that he was still alive.
When she reached for the buttons of his shirt to look at the wound, his eyes fluttered open. “Whadda you doin’?” he slurred weakly.
Nora bit her lip. “Trying to save your life. Now lie still and let me—”
“No.”
“What?” Nora stared at him.
“Jus’ a scratch,” Luke mumbled.
Was he hallucinating? Nora wanted to hit him, beat some sense into him. “It’s not just a scratch, you damn stubborn idiot! You’ll be bleeding to death if you don’t let me help you!”
“Did you stop the bleeding?” Bernice asked from behind her.
Nora lifted the soaked through apron. “I think it has slowed down some.”
Bernice tried to peer around Nora. “How does the wound look? Did the bullet go straight through?”
“I’d know if this stubborn maniac didn’t refuse to let me look at the wound!” The helpless disbelief she felt made Nora crazy. “Luke, please, let me help you! Please! I have no intention of becoming a widow anytime soon!”
Luke tried to lift his head, but couldn’t. “A’ right,” he mumbled. “But not here. Wagon.”
“Jacob, Tom!” Bernice called over her shoulder. “Help us get him settled in their wagon.”
With the help of the two men, they dragged Luke over the parade ground and to the wagon just outside of the fort.
A few reassuring words to the sobbing Amy, who struggled against Emeline’s grip, then Nora climbed into the wagon and knelt down on the side of Luke that wasn’t already occupied by Bernice.
When she looked down, she saw that he had lost consciousness. She smoothed her palm over his face that was unnaturally pale except for the bruises that were already beginning to form. With a deep breath, she started to unbutton the bloodstained shirt. She eyed his slender, yet strong body with interest, but then she called herself to order. This was neither the time, nor the place to ogle Luke’s body.
“What’s this?” Bernice pointed at the bandages that were wrapped tightly around Luke’s chest. “He was already hurt?”
“No. At least, not that I know of…” How typical of Luke to heroically hide whatever injury he might have suffered on the trail. With a glance at the blood that was still seeping from somewhere beneath the wrappings, she quickly began to undo them.
One last tug, and the bandages fell away, revealing…
Nora gasped, blinked, then looked again. The image in front of her hadn’t changed. Instead of a hairy, masculine chest, she looked down at smooth, feminine skin and a pair of breasts. The breasts were small, but still, they couldn’t be mistaken for a man’s chest.
“Merciful heavens! W-what’s this?” Bernice sounded as shaky as Nora felt. “What’s the meaning of this? H-he…he’s a…a woman?!”
Nora didn’t answer. She couldn’t. The only thing she could do was stare. A woman?! No, no, no, that’s not possible…
“You…you didn’t know?” Bernice said after a while.
Nora mutely shook her head.
Both of them looked at the half-naked, bleeding stranger for some time. “Let’s try to dress his…her wound,” Bernice finally suggested. “We can talk about this later.”
Still, Nora only watched numbly as Bernice wiped the blood away and studied the wound.
“Come on.” Bernice gave her a nudge. “Help me turn him…her around. We have to see if the bullet went straight through or is still stuck inside.”
Bernice grasped the uninjured shoulder, but Nora hesitated to touch the pale body, almost afraid to even graze the bare breasts by accident.
Then Luke moaned without waking. The sound of pain shook Nora from her stupor. Concentrating just on the wound and no other part of Luke’s body, she managed to pull herself together and help Bernice treat the wound.
Luke flinched when they poured whiskey into the wound, but didn’t wake.
Finally, after half an hour, they had stopped the bleeding and had a thick bandage in place.
Bernice settled a blanket over the limp body, but Nora still found herself throwing disbelieving glances at the contours of Luke’s chest.
“Now, tell me how this is possible,” Bernice demanded, leaning back against a keg of pickles. “How did you end up being married to a…a woman without knowing about it?”
“I don’t know,” Nora whispered. “I don’t know anything anymore. Just when I thought that I finally had the life that I wanted… I should have known that something would happen to take that away from me.”
“So I guess Amy and the baby…they’re not Luke’s?” Bernice asked.
Nora shook her head. “And now I know why he always insisted that we would never have children together.” She couldn’t stop the bitterness of betrayal from showing in her voice.
“You never…?” Bernice awkwardly gestured between Nora and the unconscious woman. A blush covered her chubby cheeks.
“No. He said he didn’t expect that from me.” A lot of things about Luke now began to make sense for Nora – why he had refused to share her bed and didn’t even let her see him naked. Even during the hottest day, he never took off his shirt. And Nora now understood that he shaved every day to hide the fact that he had no facial hair whatsoever. And that’s why he seemed to understand me better than any man before.
Bernice stood and straightened with a groan. “I think you need some time alone now. I’m gonna go and tell the others that Luke is still alive.”
Nora nodded numbly. Bernice was already climbing from the wagon when something occurred to her. “Bernice!” she called quickly.
“Yes?” The older woman peeked back in.
“Could you…I mean…would you please stay quiet and tell nobody about…about Luke? At least for now. Please?” Nora was sure that nobody was going to believe that she hadn’t known that her husband was not a man. If their fellow travelers found out that their Captain was a woman, there was no telling what they would do. Maybe some hotheads would try to kill Luke, or at least banish her from the train – and Nora wouldn’t be allowed to stay either. They would believe that she had committed unnatural acts with the woman who was her husband. Nora realized that she had to hide Luke’s secret, because her own fate was inevitably interwoven with Luke’s.
“All right. I’ll keep quiet for now. And I’ll take care of Amy tonight.”
Then Bernice was gone, leaving Nora alone with her thoughts and a lot of unanswered questions. She stared down at Luke, scanned the calm face for any signs of female softness. It was the same familiar face as ever. Dark lashes rested against a face that was deeply tanned, even though it had gone pale now. The best word that Nora found to describe Luke’s lips was “sensuous”, but the strong jaw and the stubborn chin prevented her from appearing too feminine. The nose was slightly crooked due to an old break that Nora had always wondered about since she had never known Luke to engage in fistfights. Fine lines around the now closed eyes attested to a life spent working outside under the burning sun. Nora could easily remember how the lines deepened when he smiled.
She, Nora corrected herself again. Slowly, with hesitation, she reached out a hand and touched Luke’s cheek with a single finger. The skin was as smooth as her own.
Why did I never notice? she asked herself. I know more about men than any other woman in this train. I’ve been with young men, old men, rich and poor men, fat and thin men…but nobody has ever been like Luke. Why couldn’t I tell that she’s a woman? I should have known as soon as she refused to share my bed! Her own self-doubts began to creep up again.
She watched over the unconscious woman for hours, lost in her thoughts and doubts. She had thought that she had gotten to know Luke, that he had started to reveal his innermost self to her, but now she found that she knew nothing about this stranger. Why did he visit a brothel if he…she’s a woman? To bolster her male identity? But why would he want to live as a man in the first place? And why did he ask me to marry him, knowing that it was all a farce? God, what will I do?
There were so many questions, and she knew that she would get no answers until Luke awoke. If he…she awakes and gets well. She was disappointed and hurt by the betrayal of yet another person in her life, but she found nonetheless that she didn’t wish Luke any harm. A part of her was still convinced of Luke’s honorable intentions.
The first gray light of pre-dawn was already lightening the sky when Nora finally fell into a troubled sleep.
* * *
Thump. Thump. Thump. Pain radiated through her whole body with every beat of her heart. Luke blinked open heavy eyes. It took a few seconds for her to realize that she was resting on her back, lying in the wagon. Bill Larson. We fought. Nora shot him! she suddenly remembered. And he shot me, she added as pain shot through her shoulder.
Then, with another wave of pain came the realization that Nora had probably discovered her secret by now. The last thing she remembered was being carried to the wagon. She weakly reached out her left hand and lifted the blanket that covered her.
Her first instinct was to search for her clothes, run away and start a new life somewhere else where no one knew that she was not what she appeared to be. But when she tried to sit up, she realized that it wouldn’t be that easy. A wave of dizziness let her sink back. She closed her eyes as the pain and a feeling of hopelessness overcame her.
A scratching sound next to her made her open her eyes again.
Nora was asleep just a few inches away from her, half hidden between a bag of flour and the keg of pickles. Her face was pale and a few strands of hair had gotten free of the tight knot at the back of her head.
She’s still here. Luke didn’t dare to hope that it meant that Nora would forgive and accept her. She didn’t know how to face her.
At this very moment, Nora stretched and opened her eyes.
Suddenly, they found themselves staring at each other.
So many emotions seemed to swirl through Nora’s green eyes that Luke couldn’t tell them apart. Finally, she couldn’t stand the silence between them any longer. “I don’t know what to say,” she whispered.
Nora didn’t seem to know how to open up communication between them either.
“What happened after Larson shot me?” Luke finally asked. Maybe it would be easier to start with something other than the discovery that must have shocked Nora.
Nora stared at her for long moments, before she finally answered, “Brody Cowen tried to finish what Larson started. I shot him when he aimed a second weapon at you.”
“Thank you.” Luke reached out a hand, intending to squeeze Nora’s hand in a gesture of gratefulness, but Nora flinched back before she could make contact.
“Don’t thank me,” Nora said with a rough voice. “I killed two people, that’s hardly something to be thankful for.”
Luke knew from firsthand experience how hard taking a life could be. For her, it had changed everything, even how she had felt about herself. Add to that the discovery that she’s married to a woman and it’s hardly surprising that Nora is one very confused individual. “I’m not thanking you for killing them. I’m thanking you for saving my life. Of course, now that you know who…what I am, you might not think that my life is worth saving any longer.” She studied Nora intently, searching for a reaction.
Nora’s face didn’t reveal any emotions. In her former job, she had learned how to hide what she was feeling. “You saved my life before, so it was only fair that I should save yours,” she answered stiffly.
So she has paid the debt, and now she doesn’t owe me anything anymore, is that what she’s saying? Luke wondered. “Did you…did you tell anyone?”
“No.”
Luke breathed a sigh of relief. That meant there was a chance that she could resume her life and the role as captain of the train, or at least that she had the time to recover from her wound without an angry mob just waiting until she was healed enough to be chased off.
“But Bernice…she saw…your body when we tended to your wound,” Nora added, destroying Luke’s hopes.
She covered her eyes with the back of her hand. Wonderful. She groaned. The whole train probably knows by now! She propped herself up on her left elbow and tried to sit up.
“What the hell are you doing?!” Nora snapped.
“Where are my clothes?” She tried to look around, but her vision was blurry and she began to sway.
Nora frowned. “They’re covered in blood. But it doesn’t matter, you don’t need them at the moment.”
“I do – unless you want me to ride through camp like this.” Luke nodded down at her blanket- covered chest.
“I don’t want you to ride through camp at all. It would be your death!”
Does she still care whether I live or die? Luke wondered. Her left arm began to tremble as her strength dwindled, and she fell back down on her bedroll with a groan. When her vision cleared again, she looked into glowering green eyes. “I know that you must be angry, confused and hurt and—”
Again, Nora didn’t let her finish her attempt to explain. “You don’t know anything about how I feel! I don’t even know what I should be feeling!”
Luke sighed. The friendship that had slowly grown between them seemed to be lost. They weren’t even able to talk anymore. “You can have the marriage annulled as soon as we reach Oregon,” she offered.
“I doubt that I’ll even need an annulment – this marriage wasn’t exactly legal.” Nora’s voice was dripping with bitterness. “But it’s not as easy as that. An annulment won’t solve all the problems that you caused. If anyone finds out that you’re…,” she hesitated, avoiding the word for a moment, “…a woman, it’s not only your life and your future that will be destroyed. My reputation will be affected, too. No one will believe that I lived with you for four months without realizing that you were not a man. I won’t be able to find another husband in Oregon if it becomes common knowledge that I was married to a woman!”
“I’m sorry. I never wanted—”
“I don’t want to hear it! I can’t talk about this right now.” With jerky movements, Nora stood and climbed from the wagon.
* * *
Nora stared into the clear water of the Boise River. She bent down, carefully keeping her balance that had shifted with the growth of her belly, and picked up a flat stone. She clenched her fingers around it, then raised her arm and threw the stone. It bounced off the water’s surface, once, then twice, before it finally sunk. Nora stared at the spreading circles on the water, remembering the day when Luke had shown Amy how to throw a stone like this.
Back then, her life had seemed so perfect, but now, her hopes of leading a simple family life were shattered.
“How is Luke… or whatever else her name might be?”
Nora jerked when Bernice suddenly stepped next to her. “She was awake just half an hour ago. I think she’ll survive.” It still took conscious effort to call Luke a “she”.
“What did she say? Did she tell you why—”
“We didn’t talk much,” Nora said. To tell the truth, she didn’t even want to talk to Bernice right now.
Bernice stepped around a small willow to be able to look into Nora’s face. “Aren’t you curious at all? Don’t you want to know why she lives in disguise? Why she asked you to marry her?”
Nora considered it for a moment. Yes, she was curious, but there were other feelings that ran so much deeper. “What would it change if I knew?”
Bernice’s brown eyes narrowed. “Change?” she repeated.
“Yeah. What he…she has done, is done. Nothing that Luke or I say or do will change the fact she can never be the husband that I dreamed of.” It suddenly occurred to Nora that she was basically grieving, like a woman who had just lost her husband.
“It’s unbelievable. I always thought that Luke was the perfect husband,” Bernice said with an astonished shake of her head.
Nora bit her lip until she tasted blood. It had all been an illusion.
“Do you want me to talk to her?” Bernice asked.
“No.” Nora quickly shook her head. She had the impression that Luke didn’t want anyone to see her in her weak, half-dressed condition. She grimaced as she noticed that, after all that had happened, she still felt protective of Luke. “I’ll go and see how she is.”
She tried not to make any noise as she climbed back into the wagon, hoping that she would find Luke asleep. It was easier facing a sleeping woman than to have these familiar gray eyes staring at her.
Luke’s eyes were closed.
Nora breathed a sigh of relief. She silently settled down and stared at the pale face.
Luke moved in her sleep and moaned in pain. The blanket slid down a bit, baring a shoulder that was smoothly muscled but not as bulky as most men’s.
Nora stared at the fair skin and the bandage that half-covered it. I should change her bandage before she wakes. She knew that Luke would feel uncomfortable letting her see her body while she was awake, and Nora wasn’t exactly at ease with it either.
Slowly, not touching her any more than absolutely necessary, Nora turned down the blanket. Her hand still gripped the edge of the blanket while she stared down. Living in a brothel, she had seen scantily clad girls every day, but for some reason, looking at Luke was different.
Only when the fair skin of Luke’s chest broke out in goose-bumps and her nipples stiffened in the cool air did Nora shake herself from her stupor and began to move again. She lowered her hand to Luke’s bandaged shoulder.
“W-wha…?” Luke’s reflexes were astonishing for a woman who had nearly died last night. At the first slight contact, she jerked back from Nora’s touch, one hand gripping the blanket while the other instinctively searched for her revolver.
“It’s only me,” Nora said quietly.
Luke sank back, but kept her tight grip on the blanket. “What were you doing?”
Nora felt the blood rush to her cheeks. Great! Now she thinks I was ogling her! “I need to change your bandage,” she told her as matter-of-factly as she could.
“I-I can do it,” Luke stammered.
All the other times when Luke had refused to let her dress a wound suddenly began to make sense. “I’ve already seen your body. There’s no need to be shy about it any longer. I worked in a brothel, so I’ve seen it all before,” she told her resolutely.
Still, Luke lowered the blanket with obvious reluctance, peeling it back just enough to grant access to the bandage.
Nora concentrated solely on her task. When she unwrapped the bandage, she noticed that the body under her fingers was stiff and unmoving. “Breathe,” she commanded. “I don’t need you to pass out on top of your other injuries.”
Luke took a sharp breath, then grew still again. “How does it look?”
Nora studied the wound. The area around it was swollen and discolored. She quickly averted her eyes when she noticed that her gaze had followed one of the bruises that disappeared under the blanket. “Better than I expected.”
“Papa?” a small voice piped up outside the wagon.
Oh, God! Nora and Luke stared at each other. Busy treating Luke’s wound and then trying to cope with her own feelings, Nora hadn’t really thought about what this would mean for her daughter.
“No!” Luke’s eyes widened when the sounds indicated that Amy was trying to climb into the wagon. “Quick! Help me! I don’t want her to see me like this.”
Nora couldn’t even imagine what it would do to Amy if she found out that her beloved “Papa” was a woman. She quickly rewrapped the wound and drew the blanket tighter around Luke’s shoulders.
“Papa!” Amy pulled herself up and scrambled over various piles of supplies in her haste to get to Luke.
“Please be careful, sweetheart,” Nora cautioned. “Luke has an owie.” She couldn’t quite bring herself to calling Luke “Papa”.
Amy stopped and stared at the half-reclining woman. “Is it a bad owie?”
“No, not bad at all. I’ll be healed in no time,” Luke promised.
She’s the best liar I’ve ever met – and Lord knows, I’ve met quite a few good cheats in Tess’ establishments! Nora thought, but said nothing. For once, she was glad about the small lie, because Amy tended to worry too much for an almost four year old as it was. She didn’t need to fear for her “step-father’s” life on top of that.
“I kiss it and make it better,” Amy announced. Before Luke could stop her, she stepped forward and gripped the blanket, wanting to lift it so she could reach enough bare skin to press a healing kiss to it.
Nora was the first one to react. Quickly, before the blanket could reveal Luke’s bosom, she pressed the blanket down and held it in place. Only when Luke grew very, very quiet, did she realize that her hand was resting on the upper swell of Luke’s breast. She wanted to tear her hand away in a spurt of panic, but then Amy would lift the blanket and see more of Luke than Nora wanted her to, so she kept her hand where it was. “Sorry,” she mouthed.
“It’s all right,” a red faced Luke mouthed back.
“Do you see this big bruise on Luke’s cheek, sweetie?” Nora pointed at one of the marks that Bill Larson’s fists had left behind on Luke’s face. “I think you should kiss him there, because I’m sure that bruise hurts a lot.” It wasn’t all that hard to remind herself to use male pronouns when referring to Luke, but still, it felt like a lie now that she knew.
Finally, Amy let go of the blanket and kissed Luke’s cheek. “There. All better,” she said, like she had heard from Nora before.
“Thank you, darlin’.” Luke reached out a trembling hand and gently smoothed back an unruly strand of Amy’s hair.
Everything else about her might have been a lie, but Nora believed Luke’s feelings for Amy to be genuine. She knew exactly what faked affections looked like, and this wasn’t it.
“I’ll pick pwetty flowers for Papa!” Amy announced and climbed back down from the wagon.
Nora jerked her hand away from Luke’s chest. The silence in the wagon was suddenly awkward. “I don’t even know your name,” she mumbled.
“Yeah, you do,” Luke said defiantly. “My name is Luke Hamilton.”
“Your last name might be Hamilton, but parents don’t name their little girl ‘Luke’,” Nora protested.
“My mother did. Well, she named me…,” Luke lowered her voice to a whisper, “…Lucinda, but most people called me ‘Luke’ anyway. There are no pleasant memories tied to the name Lucinda.”
Nora nodded slowly. Growing up as a girl in a brothel wasn’t a pleasant experience. “So that was why you didn’t want me to name the baby Lucinda?”
“Something like that, yes. I left that part of my life behind, and I didn’t want to be reminded of it.”
She studied Luke. The gaze of the gray eyes was open, without guile. Finally, Nora felt calm enough to ask. “Why do you live like this? Hiding your true self away behind a disguise?”
Luke looked down at herself. “My true self? Disguise?” she repeated, more to herself than to Nora. She shook her head. “There’s no other life for me. This is how I feel most comfortable.”
After thinking about it for a while, Nora had found many parallels about their lives. Working as a “lady of the evening”, Nora had to pretend and hide away parts of herself, too. But this was where the similarities ended – Nora couldn’t imagine voluntarily choosing a life where she constantly had to hide. Luke seemed to prefer living her life as a man. “Do you…” she swallowed nervously. “…think of yourself as a man?”
Luke shrugged uncomfortably, then groaned and clutched her shoulder as the movement tugged on her wound. “I guess, for the most part I do…I just know that I’m not like all the other women.”
“No, you’re not.” There was no disgust in Nora’s voice. “But you’re also not like all the other men.”
Luke hung her head. “Look, I know I shouldn’t have married you, and you have every right to—”
“Why did you?”
Luke blinked. “What?”
“Why did you marry me?” Nora asked. Why did a woman marry another woman, knowing full well that it was a sin before God’s eyes? “Was it because you can claim twice the amount of land as a married ‘man’?”
“No. The land had nothing to do with it. That was merely a nice side-effect,” Luke answered without hesitation. “I knew that having a wife and a child would help to make the people on the wagon train assume that I’m a man. And, most of all, I didn’t want Amy to grow up the way I did. I could see that you are a caring mother, and I wanted to give you the chance at a new life that my mother never took.”
If that was true, then Luke really was the honorable person that Nora had thought her to be. “How long have you lived like this?”
“Since I was twelve.”
Twelve?! God, no wonder she’s so convincing! She practically grew up as a boy! Nora thought back to the conversation about Luke’s mother that they’d had just a week ago. A week that feels like an eternity. “Since your mother died?”
“Yeah. I was on my own, with no family or friends to provide for me, and I knew that no one would employ a twelve year old girl – except maybe as a girl of the night,” Luke said bitterly. “So I dressed as a boy and told them I was fifteen. I worked as a stable boy, then as a ranch-hand and four years later, I joined the Dragoons.”
“So you disguised as a man to avoid ending up as a prostitute?” Nora could certainly understand that. She wished it had been an option for her four years ago, but she could have never hidden her pregnancy.
“Yes. And no. It’s not just a means to an end. It’s how I feel most comfortable,” Luke said.
Nora still didn’t fully understand. How could she feel comfortable living a lie?
Luke sighed. “I’m weird, I know. I’ve been told before.”
Nora’s head lifted. “There are other people who know about…it…you?”
“Just Tess…and Nate.”
“Nate? That friend of yours who died in the Mexican War?” The one I’ve wanted to name the baby for…
Luke nodded.
“Did you…tell him?” Nora asked.
“No. He found out the same way you did. I was injured, and he tried to help.” Luke tugged the blanket tighter around herself, as if wanting to protect herself from the memory.
So another person has been in the same situation? Well, maybe not the exact same situation, but still… Nora wanted to hear more. Maybe it would help her cope with this unusual situation. “How did he react?”
“After a few weeks, he got used to it. He realized that nothing had changed just because he knew my true gender now. I was still the same friend that he had known before,” Luke told her.
Is that a message for me? Nora wondered. Friend…, she mentally repeated and tried to picture Luke and another young man in uniform, fighting, eating and sleeping side by side. A man and a woman living in close quarters during wartime? She knew from experience that war often seemed to intensify emotions and fuel passions. “Nate and you…were you ever…?”
Luke looked up at her with one raised eyebrow. “What?”
“Lovers?” Nora asked softly.
Luke coughed in surprise, then clutched her wounded shoulder.
Nora waited helplessly until the coughing spell had passed. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked that.”
“No, no, it’s all right. You’ve got a right to know these things about me. I trusted you with my biggest secret, so I should trust you with everything else, right?”
Trust? Is there really any trust left between us? Nora wondered. There had been too many lies between them from the start. Just when they had built a reluctant relationship, one of them had shattered the other’s trust and they had to rebuild it again. How many times can we continue to do that until we can’t put the broken pieces back together any longer?
“Nate was my best friend,” Luke said into the silence that had fallen between them like a chasm. “The only friend I ever had until I met Tess. He was like a brother for me, but no, there was never anything else between us.” Luke seemed to be genuinely surprised that she would even assume that, as if she had never even considered that possibility.
“But if he was the only one who knew your secret…does this mean you’ve never been with anyone?” More and more, Nora had the feeling that Luke had led a life that was even lonelier than hers had been. At least, she had had Amy, Tess and a dozen other young women who were her friends. And sometimes, she had shared her bed with a customer who had been gentle and truly seemed to care about her.
Luke turned her face away and stared at the wagon’s cover, but Nora could still see the blush rising up her face. Her life has also been a lot more sheltered than mine, Nora thought with amusement. After a few weeks in their line of work, prostitutes stopped blushing about carnal matters.
“I didn’t say that,” Luke finally mumbled.
Nora blinked. She mentally repeated her question and Luke’s belated answer. “But who…if no one but Nate knew your secret, how can you share your bed with someone who doesn’t know?”
Luke looked away and picked at a loose strand of her blanket. “I said that no one but Nate and Tess knew my secret,” she corrected quietly.
“Yeah, but Tess―” Nora fell back against the keg of pickles. “You…you don’t mean…?” Oh, Lord, that’s right! Nora suddenly remembered. He…she told me that she’s been with Tess when we talked about why Luke would set a foot in a brothel after growing up in one! “So it’s really true? You didn’t just say that to bolster your manly image?”
Luke still didn’t meet her gaze. “Everything I told you was the truth. I just lied about my gender, but not about anything else.”
Nora chewed on her lower lip. She didn’t know what to say to that revelation. Working as a prostitute, there wasn’t much about carnal pleasures that was a foreign concept to her. She had heard that there were people who preferred the company of their own sex, but she hadn’t given it much thought. It had just been a theoretical possibility that didn’t matter in her everyday life.
She studied Luke with curiosity. “So you paid Tess for―”
“No. Money was never an issue between us,” Luke emphasized. “I was her friend, not a customer.”
“Did Tess know who and what you are when you first came to her bed?” Nora couldn’t keep herself from asking. The sudden revelation had thrown her thoughts and assumptions into a turmoil, and she wanted to put them back into order and make her head stop spinning.
Luke sighed. It was clear that she didn’t feel comfortable, but felt obliged to answer Nora’s questions nevertheless. “She knew, yes.”
And still she invited Luke into her bed…without even taking her money! Nora knew that as a madam of a brothel, Tess was a clever businesswoman first and foremost. She never did anything she didn’t want to unless she profited from it in some way. She took Luke to bed because she wanted to! she concluded. But why did she sent me upstairs with Luke? Did she think that I’d like it, too? Instead of clearing up her thoughts and feelings, they became even more confused.
“I know this must seem strange and shocking to you,” Luke said, her gaze still directed at the wagon’s cover, “and it’s not something I’m particularly proud of, but that’s the way I am and I can’t change that. Believe me, I’ve tried.”
Nora looked at the clenched jaw, the rigid back and the averted face. Luke Hamilton was a picture of shame. Still, Nora was not ready to let her off the hook and change the topic of conversation. She wanted to understand this. “Did you always prefer the company of women or do you think it is because you lead the life of a man?”
Luke shrugged awkwardly. “I’m not sure. I’ve lived in male apparel since I was old enough to be aware of carnal desires. I can’t imagine being with a man…that way.” She shuddered.
Studying Luke’s features, Nora tried to imagine Luke in bed with a man, but the mental pictures just wouldn’t come. She had gotten so used to thinking of Luke as a man that it somehow seemed wrong to her to picture her with a man. Instead, a mental image of Luke in a passionate embrace with Tess popped into her mind. Now it was Nora’s turn to blush.
Someone cleared their throat just outside of the wagon, announcing their presence. “Nora? Luke?” It was Bernice’s voice. “Are you…decent?”
Luke quickly stuffed the blanket tighter around herself, trying to hide any signs of her femininity.
Nora stuck her head out of the wagon. She knew that Luke would be more comfortable if Bernice stayed outside. “Where’s Amy?”
“She’s with Jacob,” Bernice explained. “He took the children down to the river to watch the wagons cross. Listen, we have to break camp and move on. We can’t wait any longer.”
Nora knew that she was right. September had already arrived, and the emigrants worried that the snows would come early and they’d get stranded in the mountains. Every man and woman on the trail had heard of the Donner Party, who had frozen to death or resorted to cannibalism because they were stuck in the snow. That thought followed the travelers as they continued west.
“What will you do?” Bernice asked, nodding at the wagon where Luke rested.
“I don’t know…” Nora looked forlornly at her friend. For the first time since the beginning of their journey, it was ‘you’ and not ‘we’, as if she was no longer a part of the wagon train. “I’m not sure if Luke is already strong enough to travel.” And she also wasn’t sure if the other emigrants would still want her to travel with them.
“You’re always welcome to join us, you know? We could make room for you and Amy in our wagon,” Bernice offered with her trademark kind smile.
For me and Amy…but what about Luke? At first, she had never wanted to see Luke again, but now her anger had slowly faded, leaving behind only grief, confusion, and fear about her uncertain future. Her life’s path had seemed so clear to her just a few days ago. She had dreamed of raising her children with a kind husband and loving father. Now, that dream had been shattered.
Still, she couldn’t just leave Luke behind, wounded and helpless as she was. That was the only thing she knew for sure, everything else about her future seemed uncertain and frightening. She couldn’t imagine a future without Luke, knowing that she couldn’t provide for Amy and the unborn child on her own. But what kind of future could two women and two small children have together? It would be obvious to everyone they met that they were not a family. Her children would be bastards just the way they would have been if she had continued to work in a brothel.
Then, suddenly, Nora remembered. Nobody knows that we’re two women! Everyone still thinks that Luke is a man. Everyone but Bernice. She looked at her friend. “I can’t just leave her behind, Bernice,” she whispered, very aware that Luke was listening just inches away from them. “She saved my life and Amy’s more times and in more ways than I can count, and I…”
“I could talk to the others,” Bernice offered. “Maybe if Jacob puts in a good word for her, they’ll let her stay.”
Nora slowly shook her head. “No. She couldn’t live that way – and neither could I.” She knew what it was like to feel furtive glances and hear the biting remarks that people made behind her back. Luke was used to being an officer and leader, a well respected man. Nora knew that she wouldn’t endure to be looked at as an oddity for long. If their fellow travelers found out that she was a woman, Luke would move on and start a new life as soon as her wounds would allow it.
And Nora and her children would be left behind.
She looked at Bernice with steely determination. “I need you to pretend that you’ve never seen Luke’s body.”
“What?”
“Just treat Luke as if she really was the man you thought she was,” Nora pleaded.
Bernice shook her head. “But…but…she’s not.”
Nora closed her eyes. “I know. But it’s the only chance we have to start a new life in Oregon. A single woman has no right to claim any land. I would be at the mercy of the men in Oregon City. I would have to marry any man who wanted me.” Hoping and praying for a kind man would have been all right a few months ago, but now it seemed too high a risk. Nora was sure that she wouldn’t be that lucky twice. A husband like Luke came only along once. Oh, Luke. Nora stared at the woman inside the wagon with a sigh. If only you were the man you pretend to be…you’d be the perfect man. She sighed again. The irony of life…
“Nora...I’m not sure this is a good idea,” Bernice protested weakly.
“Please. Please, give me that chance.” Nora stared into the brown eyes as if wanting to hypnotize the older woman.
Bernice sighed. “Is there really no alternative? Do you really want to keep living with...her?”
Nora felt her hackles rise. She didn’t like what Bernice comment’s was implying. “Luke is still my friend and the leader of this wagon train, if nothing else. That hasn’t changed, you know?” she repeated what Luke had told her about Nate’s reaction.
“It’s not that,” Bernice said soothingly. “I don’t think that she’s a bad person. It’s just…how long do you think this will work? How long until she’s found out again – possibly by someone who reacts less tolerantly than you and I?”
“It already worked for a very long time. Luke has lived as a man since she was twelve, and she’s only been discovered once before. You have to admit that she’s very convincing as a man.” Even she, who had more experience with men than most other women, had never even suspected that her husband was a woman. She had sensed that Luke was different from other men, yes, but she had never suspected the true cause of those differences.
Bernice gave a reluctant nod. “Oh, yeah, she is. Lord knows how often I had to listen to my own daughter moon over that dreamy Lucas Hamilton.”
“So you’ll keep quiet?” Nora looked at her hopefully.
“You’ll never find another husband if everyone thinks you’re married to Luke,” Bernice warned.
Nora shrugged. “I don’t care.” She didn’t want another husband. The only thing she wanted was to hold on to the peace she had found living as Luke’s wife, even if they had never really been a couple in the truest sense of the word.
“All right,” Bernice finally agreed. “I just pray that you won’t regret holding on to that strange…arrangement.” With a shake of her head, she walked away.
Nora moved back into the wagon and drew the strings of the cover shut. She hesitated before she turned around to face Luke.
Luke was staring at her, the gray eyes searching for something in Nora’s own eyes. “Why are you doing this?”
Nora froze. “You didn’t want me to do this?” The thought that Luke didn’t want to continue the life they’d had never even occurred to her. Maybe Luke wanted to take this opportunity to get rid of the wife and the two children she had burdened herself with and start a whole new life.
“I didn’t expect you to do it,” Luke said. “I was convinced that you would run away yellin’ and screamin’ as soon as you found out that you married a woman.”
“Oh, I wanted to do that,” Nora agreed with a small smile. “But that only lasted for an hour or two. Running is not that easy when you’re almost eight months pregnant.”
Luke nodded in understanding. “You’re staying because of the baby.”
Nora thought about it. Why am I staying? “The baby and Amy are a part of it.” It would be very hard to rob Amy of the person who was the only father she had ever known. “I’m still a bit angry and surprised, but mostly I feel…betrayed. Yes, that’s it. I feel like you’ve cheated me out of the future I could have had as your wife. After a few months as a prostitute, I stopped dreaming of a white knight that would charge in and rescue me from Tess’ establishment. Then you came along, and you turned out to be the kind of husband and father that I never dared to dream of. And then…this.” She bit her lip and gestured towards Luke’s body.
Luke hung her head.
“I’m staying because I still think that I’ll have the best future that I possibly could have at your side,” Nora told her. “It occurred to me that this marriage doesn’t need to be about romance or physical love. Like you said when you proposed to me – we’ll be business-partners. I’ll play the dutiful wife and make people believe that you’re the most virile husband in history.” She winked at Luke until she finally chuckled and relaxed. “And you’ll make them believe that I’m nothing but a prim and proper wife with a chaste past and two children born in wedlock.”
The gray eyes finally looked up into hers. Slowly, Luke lifted her hand and offered it to Nora. “It’s a deal…partner.”
Nora shook the offered hand, feeling the calluses of a life spent doing hard work against her palm.
“Should you ever find a real man…someone you could love, I promise that I won’t stand in your way,” Luke said when she let go of Nora’s hand.
Nora swept the offer aside with a wave of her hand. “Don’t worry, that won’t happen. Love is not for me.”
Luke nodded in understanding. “I don’t think it’s for me either.”
Nonetheless, Nora felt obliged to offer her the same deal that Luke had offered her. “If you ever find a…”
When she hesitated, Luke quietly supplied, “A woman.”
Nora gave a short nod. “Yeah. If you ever find a woman that you could love, I won’t stand in your way either.”
A sad smile flitted across Luke’s face. It was clear that she didn’t believe that something like that could ever happen.
The sound of braying mules and moving wagons outside made Nora get up with a groan. “Stay put. I’ll get our boys yoked.”
* * *
She was able to sit up without passing out from the pain. Luke took it as a good sign and reached out to search for a clean shirt and pants in her saddlebags. With a quick glance at the drawn shut flap of the wagon covers, she threw off her blanket.
The process of binding her chest, transforming herself into a man, was something that had been a daily ritual for Luke since she was little more than a child. She could practically do it in her sleep. But not today.
When she tried to wrap the bindings around her chest, she found that she couldn’t move her right arm behind her back without immense pain. She moved her hand back inch by inch, clenching her jaw to stifle a moan. Within seconds, sweat beaded on her forehead and she rested it against the side of the wagon for a moment while she waited for the pain to recede.
“Luke!” Nora’s voice made her jerk and reach for the blanket to cover herself. “What are you doing?”
Luke wiped the sweat from her face with the edge of the blanket. “What does it look like?” she mumbled. “I’m getting dressed.”
“Without much success, it would seem,” Nora commented. “Come on, lie back down and get some rest.”
Luke would have liked nothing better than to do just that, but she couldn’t just stay in the wagon and let the pregnant Nora do all the work. “No, it’s all right. I can do this.” She expectantly looked at Nora, silently indicating for her to leave so that she could get dressed.
But Nora didn’t move. “Luke,” she said, using the same tone of voice that she sometimes used to talk to Amy when she was being unreasonable. “You’re injured. Go back to bed.”
“I will. But first I need to talk to Jacob,” Luke insisted.
“If you really need to talk to him, I’ll tell him and he’ll come here. You don’t have to get up.”
Luke quickly gripped the sleeve of Nora’s blouse. “That’s not a good idea. He can’t see me like this.” She gestured down to her blanket covered body.
“Oh.”
“Yeah.” Luke gave her an embarrassed grin.
Nora looked down at her hands. “Well, then…I could…help you dress…”
Luke could only freeze and stare. “Uh…”
After a few moments of just returning her stare, Nora smiled gently. “You’re not the first naked woman I’ve ever seen. It wouldn’t appall me to see your body.”
But maybe it would appall me if you saw me! Luke helplessly shook her head. No one but Tess had ever seen her naked unless she had been half-dead and unconscious. The mere thought of letting Nora see her made her heart thump along with her wounded shoulder.
“Come on. I promise I won’t look.” Nora took the shirt from Luke’s weak grasp.
“Uhm…” Luke cleared her throat. “The shirt is not really the problem…” She held up the bindings that made her chest look like that of a man.
Nora’s eyes widened. “Oh. Right.” She took a deep breath. “Well, the offer to help is still standing.”
The thought of Nora binding her breasts made Luke’s body break out in goose-bumps. She shivered, but couldn’t tell whether it was in fear or whether her body was already anticipating the pleasure of Nora’s touch.
“Come on, we don’t have the time for hesitation.” Nora pointed outside, where the other emigrants were breaking camp.
Still, Luke sat frozen.
“Luke…” Warm fingers covered Luke’s, squeezing gently. “You don’t have to be afraid. You have never been anything but kind and gentle to me, and I have no reason to treat you with anything less.”
Slowly, Luke’s stiff fingers let go of the blanket that covered her bare upper body. “Please, hurry,” she whispered urgently, her eyes on the flap that was the only barrier to the outside world.
She was very aware of Nora’s gaze that was traveling all over her body. Finally, Nora looked down at the broad strips of fabric that were used to strap down Luke’s breasts. “Lift your arms,” she commanded.
Luke tried, but she couldn’t lift her right arm over her head.
“Stop.” Nora’s fingers closed around her bare arm. “Don’t hurt yourself. I’ll try it like this.” She pressed one end of the bindings against Luke’s shoulder-blade and held it in place, while her other hand started to wrap the fabric around Luke’s chest.
The warm hands that repeatedly brushed against the sides of her breasts made Luke sweat and tremble. “Tighter,” she grunted. Her voice was hoarse, but she knew that pain had nothing to do with it. Luke cursed her traitorous body.
Nora stopped, her hands still resting against Luke, holding the bindings in place. “I’ll hurt you if I wrap it any tighter,” she warned.
“It doesn’t matter. It has to be tight,” Luke said, her teeth clenched against the dual sensation of pain and pleasure.
“I still don’t understand why you would choose to do this to yourself every day of your life,” Nora murmured. Her thumb unconsciously rubbed over Luke’s upper chest, were the bindings had already left behind a red weal.
Luke covered the hand with her own to hold it still, only belatedly noticing that it drew unnecessary attention to the touch that Nora hadn’t even been aware of.
“Oh. Sorry.” Nora quickly withdrew her hand and fastened the bindings.
“It’s the only way how I can live the life I want,” Luke said, answering Nora’s question. She quickly slipped the shirt over her shoulders, but when she tried to button it up, she noticed that her usually steady fingers were trembling.
Gently, but resolutely, Nora pushed her fingers away and took over the task.
Luke stared down at the nimble fingers that were buttoning her shirt. For some reason, she found it oddly intimate, like something a wife would do for her husband.
Finally, she was dressed.
“See?” Nora nodded with satisfaction. “That wasn’t so bad, was it?”
It didn’t feel bad at all – and that’s the problem. Of course, Luke didn’t say it out loud. She just nodded numbly.
Nora smoothed a hand over the collar of Luke’s shirt. Her gaze slid up and down Luke’s body, taking in the transformation. “Amazing,” she whispered.
“What?” She squirmed under Nora’s intense appraisal.
An embarrased smile danced over Nora’s lips. “I’ve seen you just a minute ago, but still, I can hardly believe what’s beneath your clothes when I look at you like this.”
Luke looked directly into the forest-green eyes. “It would be the best for both of us if you forgot it alltogether.”
“I wish I could.” The answer came fast, without thinking, and was accompanied by a sigh of regret.
Luke realized that Nora was still grieving for the “husband” she had lost. This is one of the things that I can never give her, no matter how much I try. With a noise somewhere between a sigh and a groan, she pushed herself upward and stood on shaky legs.
Before she could climb out of the wagon, Nora opened the flap and stuck her head outside. “Jacob?” she called out.
“Yeah?” Jacob Garfield’s weathered face appeared at the end of the wagon.
“Luke would like to have a word with you,” Nora said, then climbed outside and left them alone to talk.
Jacob’s dark eyes looked directly at Luke, and she couldn’t help but wonder if he looked at her any differently than he had a few days ago. Does he know? Did Bernice tell him? Bernice was his wife, after all, and she was supposed to keep no secrets from her husband.
But Jacob’s expression was neutral and didn’t betray his thoughts. “Glad to see that you’re already up and about. How are you?”
“I’m fine. It’s not me I’m worried about.” Luke nodded to the front of the wagon, where Nora was busy checking the oxen’s backs for sores. “Jacob, I know you’ve got plenty to do without me asking for a favor, but I’m probably out of commission for a few days and Nora can’t probably do it all on her own, pregnant as she is…”
Jacob clapped her on her uninjured shoulder. “Don’t worry. Wayne and I will help out while you recover.”
* * *
Nora slowly straightened her aching back and shaded her eyes with her hand to catch one last glance at the Snake River. They were leaving the wide river at this point, and would be traveling over dusty hills to the dreaded Burnt River Canyon.
Every muscle, tendon and bone in her body seemed to hurt, but she didn’t dare to complain, afraid that Luke would jump out of the wagon and take over the task of driving the oxen at the first sound of pain from her.
Luke was acting like the typical ill man – impatient with the healing process, the people who were trying to help her, and with her own weakness. Nora had watched her carefully during the last few days – not only because she constantly had to keep her from getting out of bed, but also because she wanted to see if she could detect changes in Luke’s behavior, now that she knew her true gender.
So far, the differences she had noticed had been very small, convincing her more and more that Luke hadn’t just pretended to be a man – she had simply acted how she felt most comfortable. Still, Nora had noticed some small changes in Luke’s behavior towards her.
The aloof distance that had diminished with every mile they had covered since leaving Independence was totally gone now. After an initial awkwardness that had followed the discovery of Luke’s secret, Luke was now slowly beginning to show a softer, warmer side when it was just the two of them. Nora suspected that it had been there from the start, but Luke hadn’t dared to show it, afraid of being thought of as unmanly.
The Garfields joined her as she struggled up the hill. “Just a few more days and we’ll catch our first glimpse at the Blue Mountains,” Jacob told the two women with a grin.
Nora nodded. On one hand, she shared Jacob’s excitement at being so close to the ending of their journey, but on the other hand, the thought of having to cross the mountains worried her. Now that they would need their energy most, the pregnancy made her feel constantly tired, and Luke still hadn’t recovered from her wounds.
“Oh, don’t worry, girl.” Jacob patted her arm. “I won’t let anything happen to you while your husband can’t take care of you and the wagon.”
For the last few days, Jacob and his oldest son Wayne had helped her with the tent and the oxen. They had been helpful and friendly, but still, Nora was longing for Luke’s return to her duties. Traveling with the Garfield men was nice, but it was just not the same. Sometimes, they took over tasks for her that Luke had let her handle on her own, trusting her to do a good job. Luke treated her as an equal, and she liked the feeling of self-worth and being appreciated that she got when she was with Luke.
“Where’s Amy?” Bernice asked when Jacob walked back to his own wagon.
Nora pointed at the wagon with the end of her whip. “In there, with Luke. They’re taking a nap.” It had proved to be the only way to get the both of them to settle down for some much needed rest.
Bernice tugged at her sunbonnet. She eyed Nora’s wagon. “Don’t you have any misgivings about letting Amy spend so much time with Luke?”
Nora gently prodded Snow-white to make the ox move more to the left. She still hadn’t come completely to terms with the fact that her husband had turned out to be a woman, but Nora had no reservations about Luke spending time with Amy. “Why should I? Bernice, you’ve seen Luke with Amy…do you really think that Amy has anything to fear from her?” She couldn’t believe that Bernice would think such a thing.
“What? No, no, I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just...aren’t you the least bit afraid that Luke is going to…influence her? I mean…it’s obvious that Amy worships her. What if Amy models herself after her?”
“Then I’d be a happy mother.” She didn’t want Amy to choose a life where she constantly had to hide a part of herself, but she did want her to become a kind, courageous and honorable person like Luke was.
Bernice lifted her eyebrows.
“I grew up with a father who constantly belittled me, if he paid me any attention at all – just because I was not a boy. I know that Luke would never do that to…” Nora stopped herself. She had almost said “our” children. She rubbed her face to chase away the blush. “…to Amy or the baby.”
“You’re really planning to let them grow up thinking that Luke is their father?” Bernice shook her head in disbelief.
“I don’t know. At this point, I…I don’t really have a plan,” Nora admitted. She had avoided thinking about her long-term future. She hadn’t thought further than reaching Oregon City. And how could I, when I don’t even know what Luke wants? The most important thing in Luke’s life is to be regarded as a man…I don’t think she’s willing to risk that by sharing her life with two children who don’t understand the importance of keeping a secret.
Bernice pointed at Nora’s swollen belly. “Then I think it’s time to make some plans. This baby is not gonna wait until you figure it all out.”
Nora groaned and covered her face with both hands for a moment. “I know, I know.”
“Nora?” Luke stuck her head out of the wagon. “Are you all right?”
Nora let her hands drop and looked up into concerned gray eyes. “Uh…yeah, I’m fine.”
“Are you sure?” The concerned gaze traveled down to Nora’s belly. “I’ll take over with the oxen, and you—”
“No. I told you, I’m fine. Is Amy still sleeping?” Nora asked, since her usually active daughter was suspiciously quiet since she had climbed into the wagon with Luke.
“No. We’re…reading a story,” Luke explained, clearly embarrassed.
Nora found herself staring at her. “You are reading to her?” She wasn’t sure what she found more amazing: That Luke was willing or that she was able to do that.
“Well…what I can’t read, I improvise. Amy doesn’t mind.” Luke absent-mindedly rubbed her shoulder.
“Stop scratching!” Nora ordered for the hundredth time that day.
“But it’s itching like h—” With a quick glance over her shoulder at Amy, Luke stopped herself. “It’s itching very much.”
Nora nodded. “That means it’s healing, and your scratching will only disturb the healing process. I’ll check the wound as soon as we stop for the night.”
Without another word, Luke disappeared inside the wagon again.
“For a woman who didn’t even want to touch Luke when she was bleeding to death, you’re taking this awfully well,” Bernice said. “As often as you check the wound, hers must be the best treated wound ever.”
Nora gazed down, hoping that her sunbonnet would cover her blush. She’s making it sound as if I liked treating the wound…seeing Luke half-naked! “I just want to prevent the wound from getting infected, that’s all,” she defended. “If left to her own devices, Luke would change the bandage once a week and be done with it.” Each time, it took longer to convince Luke to take off her shirt than to check and re-bandage the wound. Nora still wasn’t sure if Luke was uncomfortable with her own body or if she was only uncomfortable with Nora seeing it.
“In other words, she’s the typical man,” Bernice said, her gaze resting on the wagon where Luke had disappeared. “It’s still so hard to believe that she’s not…”
Don’t I know it. Sometimes, Nora woke up and when she looked at Luke who was sleeping just a few feet away, she could almost convince herself that it had all just been a dream. Once or twice, when her disbelief became to intense to handle, she had even touched the cheek of the sleeping woman, finding it as smooth and hairless as her own. Maybe this was one of the reasons why she insisted on a daily change of Luke’s bandage – each time, it drove home the reality of who Luke really was.
The hill they were climbing was getting steeper and steeper, and Nora stopped talking and worrying for a while, trying to concentrate solely on driving the wagon.
* * *
Luke stared up at the night sky and breathed into her hands to keep them warm. Everything was quiet in camp. Only Luke, who had volunteered to stand guard, one of the few tasks she could do despite her healing wound, and a few of the women were still awake.
She watched Emmy Larson lift a pot of beans for tomorrow’s noon meal over the fire. Her first instinct was to jump up and take over the task, knowing that the pot was quite heavy. But Nora had had to restitch the wound twice already, because Luke wanted to “play gentleman”, as Nora had put it, and she wouldn’t be amused if she had to do it a third time. So Luke stayed where she was and simply watched the women at work.
Again, it occurred to her that the women didn’t really need her help. They got up every moring at 4 a.m. – an hour before the men – to cook breakfast, milk the cows and gather eggs. And every night, they were still at work while their husbands already rested around the fire.
Except for her childhood in a brothel, Luke had never lived in close quarters with women before. As a ranchhand and later as a Dragoon officer, she had worked and lived only with men and had seen women only from afar. During this journey, she had developed a healthy respect for the pioneer women and what they endured without complaining. For the first time, she had realized how strong women could be. Women, she realized, were not the weak, helpless creatures that she had feared to become if she ever gave up her disguise. Most of them were tough and courageous, and Luke admired their gentle strength.
And, Luke admitted to herself, Nora was the woman she admired the most.
During the last few days, they had traveled up the Burnt River, one of the hardest stretches of the entire Oregon Trail. Following a stony road, they had to cross and recross the river nine times and often had to hack their way through thickets of bush with axes. One of their oxen had dropped dead in his yoke.
Nora had hid her tears. Silently, she had yoked one of their spare oxen and had driven around their fallen comrade, knowing that they couldn’t afford to lag behind. Not even when they had reached the summit of Flagstaff Hill and looked down at the beautiful Baker Valley, covered with purple sage and colorful wildflowers, had Nora allowed herself to rest her swollen feet for a moment. She was still up, preparing tomorrow’s meals.
“Stop,” Luke said when the hardworking woman passed her again. “If you do one more thing tonight, I’m gonna get up and help you, the wound be damned! Sit down and rest.”
“But the laundry…”
“…will still be there tomorrow. Nora,” Luke said seriously, “you’re pregnant, exhausted and miserable. You need to rest.”
With a groan, Nora gave up and sat down next to Luke. She bent down, trying to reach her swollen feet to massage them without much success.
Luke watched her contortionist-like attempts for a while. Nora’s belly constantly got in the way, no matter how she tried to reach her feet. “Come on.” She waved at Nora’s feet. “I’ll rub them for you.”
“No, no, you don’t have to do this.”
“You’re carrying my child, it’s the least I can do.” Luke winked at her.
Nora gave her a small smile and lifted one of her feet into Luke’s lap. “Lord,” she murmured, “with all the walking I’ve done during the last few months, this baby is gonna be able to walk when she is born!”
“She?” Luke repeated with a grin. She gently began to press her thumbs against the sole of Nora’s foot. “I thought you were sure that it’s gonna be a boy? Or are you having twins?”
Nora crossed herself. “God, no. To have one newborn during the first winter in Oregon is gonna be hard enough.”
Luke nodded, while she slid her fingers over Nora’s ankle and began to knead her calf. She had to catch her breath when Nora moaned in relief. She forced her thoughts away from the soft skin under her hands and back to the topic of conversation. “Yeah. One baby is gonna put me in enough of a panic as it is.”
“Oh, I don’t know.” Nora’s grin momentarily chased the exhaustion from her face. “Fathering twins – now that would bolster your manly image!”
Luke tweaked her big toe. She had to grin, and it occurred to her that this was the first time that someone had made fun of her life in disguise and she had been able to share the mirth. With Nora, it didn’t feel like scorn and mockery, but like a shared secret. Instead of driving them apart as Luke had feared, it was beginning to bound them closer together.
“Do you think we’ll make it?”
At the whispered question, Luke turned her head to look at Nora.
Nora’s smile was gone. The forest-green eyes were dark and worried as she glanced west towards the snow-covered Blue Mountains that were rising up in the distance. Her hands were protectively clutching her belly.
Luke fought the impulse to bend down and kiss the foot resting in her lap. Instead, she smoothed her hand over it in a gesture of comfort. “Yeah, we will.” She looked directly into Nora’s eyes, letting her see her determination.
“How can you be so sure?”
“I traveled the Oregon Trail three times before, and I made it every time,” Luke told her.
Nora still couldn’t stop worrying. “Yeah, but you didn’t have a pregnant woman and a small child with you the other times.”
“But I also didn’t have the kind of motivation to reach Oregon that I have now.” Luke had said it before she could stop herself. She hadn’t wanted to say anything that would make Nora believe that they would share their lives as a family in Oregon – not when she wasn’t sure if it was what Nora wanted – or what would be good for her -, and when she wasn’t even sure if it was what she wanted. “I mean…this time, I’m the Captain. A whole wagon train is depending on me,” she quickly added.
“The whole wagon train. Yeah.” Nora moved her foot away from Luke’s lap. “I’m tired. I’m turning in now.”
Luke blinked at the abrupt end of their conversation and watched her walk away. Slowly, one woman after the other was going to bed, until Luke sat alone at the fire.
Sudden footsteps behind her made her jerk around, her rifle raised.
“Relax, relax! It’s only me, Bernice Garfield,” the older woman’s voice came out of the darkness.
Luke let the barrel of her gun drop and exhaled. She had been coiled tightly during the last week, constantly on the lookout not only for hostile Indians or nature’s dangers, but also keeping an eye on her fellow travelers, afraid that they would discover her secret.
Now, it was Bernice of all people who was searching her out. She had avoided Nora’s friend since being wounded. At first, it hadn’t been too difficult since she had been confined to her wagon, but now that she was slowly healing and back on her feet again, it was becoming more complicated to avoid the people who knew her secret.
While she had managed to avoid Bernice so far, she couldn’t avoid Nora. She had to live every second of every day with Nora’s appraising glances. She constantly wondered what Nora was seeing and thinking when she looked at her like that. Trusting someone to protect her secret, her very life, was scary. She held her breath when Bernice sat down facing her.
Luke met her eyes across the fire, then quickly looked away.
“What are your plans once you reach Oregon?” Bernice asked, not bothering to open the conversation with small-talk about the weather or the country that lay ahead of them.
“I want to establish a horse ranch in a green, hilly area a few miles southwest of Oregon City. I’m going to breed Appaloosa horses…like Measles, you know?” Luke pointed in the general direction of her mare.
Still, the intense gaze didn’t follow her gesture. It remained fixed on her. “I’m not talking about horses. I’m talking about Nora and her children. What will become of them? A woman in her condition needs stability…a home, a husband, not…this…this whole confusing situation.”
Luke shoved a twig into the fire with more force than was strictly necessary. “I know.”
“Nora is like a little sister to me, and I won’t have her hurt by the likes of you,” Bernice warned.
The likes of me? Luke repeated bitterly. Still, she appreciated Bernice’s attempt to protect Nora. “I won’t hurt her,” she said softly.
“Just the fact that you’re not what you pretend to be is already hurting her!” Bernice’s voice was an urgent whisper, just low enough that no one else could hear.
Luke bit her lip. “That’s not something I can change.”
“Exactly. Then why keep on trying? Why keep on posing as a man when you’re not?” Bernice sharply shook her head.
“Bernice.” Nora stepped into the circle of the firelight, making both Luke and Bernice jump. “I appreciate your concern, but…leave her alone. This is who Luke is, and if I can’t respect that, I’m better off leaving her and living on my own.”
Bernice whirled around. “But you can’t! You have a child and another one on the way – you can’t survive on your own! She put you in a situation where you have to choose between starving to death and staying in this more than awkward situation!”
“There’s a third choice. There always is,” Nora told her quietly. “I could have returned back east with my brother, or I could have made an arrangement with a widower, like Emmy has. It’s my choice. Luke’s not forcing me to stay.”
“Then why do you…stay, I mean?” Bernice clearly didn’t understand.
And neither do I. Why didn’t she jump at the first chance to leave me? Luke wondered.
“I won’t entrust my future and that of my children to a stranger or people who don’t really care about us,” Nora answered.
Bernice gesticulated angrily. “And she’s not a stranger?!”
Nora didn’t raise her voice. She looked her right in the eye. “No, she isn’t. I made a decision to trust her when I agreed to marry him…her… and so far, she gave me no reason to regret that decision.”
“But…but…but she lied to you the whole time!”
Nora turned her head to gaze at Luke. “Yeah, but only because she was afraid that I wouldn’t keep her secret.”
Luke gave her a relieved nod, glad that she seemed to understand that her decision not to tell her had nothing to do with wanting to betray her.
Still, Bernice couldn’t let it go. “But…she’s a woman!”
“So am I,” Nora told her calmly.
“That’s not the point. You don’t go around marrying other women!”
Nora looked down at the ring on her finger. When she glanced up, there was an impish smile on her lips. “Well, apparently, I did.”
Luke suppressed a chuckle. She didn’t want to annoy Bernice any more than she already was.
“Bernice,” Nora said insistently, “I know that you don’t understand the life that Luke has chosen. Frankly, I’m still not sure that I understand it myself. But that doesn’t change the fact that she’s a good person. She saved Amy’s life when she fell from the wagon and she even risked her own life saving Amy from a rattlesnake. She jumped into a ragging river to rescue me. She was almost killed because she took on two cruel men who abused helpless women. She’s a main part of the reason why we made it this far with far less fatalities than most other wagon trains. And now you act as if all this isn’t important any longer, as if she’s a cruel person out to hurt me, just because you found out she’s a woman?”
Luke had to swallow against the sudden lump in her throat. No one had ever defended her like this. Where she had hung her head in shame and looked away from Bernice’s accusing eyes, Nora was fighting for her honor.
Bernice was quiet now, clearly at a loss for words.
“All right. I’m going back to bed now. I just came out to tell you that I forgot to check your wound,” Nora told Luke. “You coming?” With a glance over her shoulder, she walked back to the wagon.
Luke stayed behind for a moment. She turned to Bernice, almost embarrassed at Nora’s passionate defense of her. She wasn’t sure that she was even worth being defended like this, because she knew that her complicated life and the situation that she had put Nora in did indeed have the potential to hurt Nora.
“Dear Lord!” Bernice whispered, still looking in the direction that Nora had disappeared in. “Who is that woman and where is the self-conscious young woman who was so afraid to stand up for herself that she let Broderick Cowen torment her for weeks?!”
“She grew up and learned to trust in herself,” Luke told her quietly. She gently touched the stricken looking woman on the shoulder. “And I think you made an important contribution to that.”
Bernice closed her eyes, and when she reopened them a moment later, the angry accusation was gone from her expression. “No, you did. She learned to believe in her own worth because you treated her – and every other woman on the train – with respect.”
“I’m really not out to hurt her, Bernice,” Luke whispered. “If there ever comes a time when my presence in her life will harm her, I’ll just disappear and leave her the ranch. If I’m ever found out again, I’ll leave. I won’t let her live in shame.”
Without an answer, Bernice turned and walked towards her own wagon.
* * *
And I thought the ascent was hard! Nora thought, too exhausted to voice her complaint out loud. The climb up this rocky hill had been long and tedious, but the descent was even more murderous. The trail was so steep and rocky that they had to tie the wagons to a tree and slowly zigzagged their way to the valley below.
Only when their wagon had safely reached the bottom did Nora take the time to admire the idyllic valley of Grande Ronde. Here, at the foot of the Blue Mountains, they had finally left the sandy sagebrush plains behind. This was more like the Oregon that Nora had imagined. The lush valley was encircled by lofty, pine-covered mountains. A clear stream, lined by willows, cottonwoods and alders, coursed through the valley. Amy’s smeared face told her that there were berries growing in the vicinity.
Indians were swarming around the wagon train, offering food and horses in exchange for clothing and other articles.
Nora smiled when she saw Luke’s gaze resting on the handsome ponies that resembled Measles with their spotted flanks. What she wanted wasn’t horses or berries, though. What had kept her going for the last few miles had solely been the thought of being able to bathe in one of the numerous springs, creaks and waterfalls all over the valley. The thought of letting her heavy, pregnant body float weightlessly in the water… Nora closed her eyes with a dreamy moan.
She grabbed fresh clothes and her bar of soap. “Amy?” she called. “Come on, we’re taking a bath!”
Amy looked up from the berries she was gathering. “No! I’m gonna make a cake.”
“Let her stay with me,” Bernice said. “I’ll give her a good scrubbing with my own brood when we’re done with the cake.”
“All right.” Nora smiled. That meant that she could enjoy her bath instead of working to get her berry-smeared daughter clean.
“Nora!” Luke’s shout stopped her.
She turned back around, impatient to get to her bath.
“I don’t think you should go off alone,” Luke said. She pointed at the Indian braves that were riding through the camp. “The Nez Perce and the Cayuse are friendly tribes, but when you take off your sunbonnet, your red hair is gonna attract them like bees to honey.”
“But…” Nora threw a wistful glance at the waterfall that she could see in the distance. “My bath…” Her shoulders slumped.
Luke rubbed the bump on the bridge of her nose. “I didn’t say that you couldn’t have a bath. Just don’t go off without protection.”
“Then…you’ll come with me?” She remembered that Luke had stood guard once before while she had taken a bath. But back then, she had still thought of Luke as a man. So letting her see you now shouldn’t be a problem, right? Since we’re both women… When she had lived in the brothel, changing or bathing in front of the other girls hadn’t been unusual. But somehow, she knew that Luke’s presence would feel entirely different.
“Only if it doesn’t make you uncomfortable.”
Nora gestured down her heavily pregnant, dust covered body. “Uncomfortable is what I am right now. I would kill for a bath.”
Luke laughed. “No need for that. All right, let’s go.” She shouldered her rifle and followed Nora to her choice of bathing places, a waterfall with a small basin just out of sight from camp.
When Nora began to unbutton her bodice, Luke quickly turned away and busied herself with checking her weapon. Carefully, Nora stepped over the rocky rim of the basin and slipped into the cool water. “Ooooh.”
“Cold?” Luke asked without turning around.
Nora watched her stiff back. “Yes, but it’s nice.” She let herself sink into the water until it reached her chin. Slowly, her muscles and tendons, that had been overly stressed by the pregnancy and the strains of the journey, began to relax. Still, a rest of tension remained in her body. Luke’s presence made her skin tingle, but she ignored it and floated until she felt her fingers start to shrivel.
Without opening her eyes, she reached out for the soap. She felt around on the rocky ledge, but felt only hard rock and tickling grass. She opened her eyes. The soap was lying next to her clothes, just out of reach. With a groan, Nora prepared to climb out of the water in order to get the soap.
“Something wrong?” Luke glanced over her shoulder, then quickly away again as she got a glimpse at Nora’s naked skin.
“No, I just can’t reach the soap.”
Covering her eyes with one hand, Luke turned around and blindly began to search for the soap with the other.
“Luke!” Nora had to laugh at her antics. “You can open your eyes. If you’re not careful you’re gonna…”
With a splash, Luke landed next to her in the pool.
“…fall in,” Nora finished her sentence.
“Sorry! I’m sorry.” Splashing and sputtering, Luke scrambled to climb back out.
“Luke! Hey, Luke! Don’t panic!” Nora held on to the now wet shirt. “Now that you’re already wet, why don’t you stay and take a bath, too?”
She felt Luke’s muscles tense under her fingers. “You know why that’s not a good idea. This is not exactly a remote place, anyone could see me here.”
“Then at least stay and enjoy the water. Your clothes won’t get any wetter than they already are. I could even wash your hair for you,” Nora suggested.
“No.” Luke still wasn’t looking at her and took care not to touch her body with any part of hers.
Is she ashamed, shy…or disgusted? Nora gazed down at her own body. A few months ago, her body had been the asset that ensured her survival. She had taken a certain pride in the fact that she had always obtained the highest prizes of all the girls in Tess’ establishment. Now, her belly was swollen, her breasts heavy and covered with blue veins, and her formerly smooth skin was marred by stretch marks. Nora realized that men would no longer find her desirable. And Luke, who normally admired the female form, obviously shared their opinion.
She sighed. “I look hideous, huh?”
“What?” Finally, Luke turned around to look at her, but carefully kept her gaze fixed on Nora’s face.
“My body…” Nora gestured down. “It’s a good thing I don’t work in a brothel anymore. No one would pay a dime to look at me, much less anything else. I know that’s not something I should regret, but…I guess I’m just a little vain.”
Luke stopped in her attempts to climb out of the basin. For a moment, her gaze flitted down Nora’s body, then just as quickly back up until she looked into Nora’s eyes. “You don’t look hideous at all. You’re…beautiful.”
“You’re not just saying that to comfort a pouting pregnant woman?” Nora doubted that anyone could find her beautiful in her condition.
“No. I was surprised—”
“By what?” Nora asked when Luke stopped mid-sentence.
Luke shook her head. “Uh. It’s nothing. Nothing important.”
“I want to hear it.”
Luke stared down into the swirling water, avoiding Nora’s eyes. “I never thought that I’d find a pregnant woman attractive,” she mumbled.
Nora found herself holding her breath. “But you do?”
Luke nodded silently. She still didn’t look at Nora.
“Thank you,” Nora whispered.
Luke’s head lifted. She blinked in surprise. “You’re not…angry?”
Bernice and every other respectable woman in the train would probably expect her to be scandalized about being complimented like that by a woman who posed as a man. A woman who prefers the company of other women, Nora reminded herself. But still, she was sure that the warm feeling in the pit of her stomach was not outrage. “No, I’m not,” she said slowly. She took a deep breath, trying to shake off the confusing feelings. “Could you…” She cleared her throat. “Could you pass me the soap, please?”
She watched as Luke pressed her hands on the edge of the pool and heaved her body out of the water in one smooth move. Water rushed down her back and dripped from her clothes. Her shirt and pants clung to her skin. Nora couldn’t help but study the body that the wet clothes revealed.
When Luke bent down to pick up the soap, she caught a glimpse at strong thighs and a firm bottom. What are you doing?! she scolded herself. Just because she said she thinks you’re beautiful doesn’t mean that you have to return the favor! She’s a woman, for heaven’s sake, and you’re not…like that. She took a deep breath. It’s just because I’ve gotten so used to thinking of her as a man, she told herself.
“Nora? The soap.” Luke’s voice brought her back to the present.
“Thanks.” She took the soap that Luke held out to her. Deeply in thought, she began to scrub her body.
* * *
“Damn!” Luke slipped when she tried to climb into the wagon. Her collarbone bumped against a box of supplies, making pain flare through already hurting muscles.
Since leaving Grande Ronde Valley, they had traveled over trails so steep that in some places, they had to attach up to ten yoke of oxen to each wagon to navigate the steep grades.
In addition, the Blue Mountains were densely wooded. Often, towering pines and firs blocked the narrow trail. They had to make long detours or hack their way through the dense body of timber.
Every single member of the wagon train was footsore, weary and exhausted, and Luke was no exception. Her still not fully recovered shoulder hurt from swinging the axe all day. But unlike some of the others, she knew that they couldn’t afford to rest for a day.
Far ahead in the distance, she could make out the snow-covered peaks of the Cascade Range, the white cone of Mount Hood looming above the others. Luke knew that the mountains ahead were even higher and steeper, and she could already feel the bite of winter in the air. The fear of snow that could close mountain passes and helplessly trap them made her urge the exhausted emigrants to hurry.
Their small wagon train had stopped for the night, camping in a tiny clearing. Voices of travelers from other trains were echoing through the woods, but they couldn’t see them or tell how far away they really were. On the winding roads through the dense forest, they could only see the wagon directly in front of them. Even the sky above them was invisible, blocked out by the tall trees, giving them a feeling of being trapped and closed off from the rest of the world.
Nora huddled at the other end of the wagon, staying close to the already sleeping Amy. Luke could feel that she was afraid. She jerked each time gunfire echoed through the dark forest.
“Just another emigrant, hunting for some game,” Luke tried to comfort her.
Nora bit her lip and nodded, but didn’t relax.
Moving carefully to avoid waking Amy or jarring her hurting muscles, Luke sat down next to her. Up close, she could see that Nora was trembling. “Hey.” She reached out a hand, hesitated for a moment, then gently touched Nora’s arm. “Don’t be afraid.”
“I’m not,” Nora claimed bravely. “It’s just so cold tonight.”
It was. Heavy white frost had settled on the outside of the wagon covers, and by morning, ice would have formed on the water buckets. Still, Luke knew Nora well enough to know that it wasn’t just the cold that made her tremble. Very slowly, prepared to stop anytime should Nora flinch away from her, she slid her hand along Nora’s shoulder until she held her in a gentle half-embrace. “Better?” she whispered into the golden-red hair.
Nora cuddled into Luke’s warm lambskin jacket. “Mmhm.”
Luke lifted her other arm and settled it around Nora, too. The movement made her groan in pain as her hurting muscles protested.
“Your shoulder!” Nora’s sleepy eyes widened in alarm. “Did the wound break open again?”
“No, no.” Luke held onto her when she tried to move away. “I’m fine, just a little stiff from handling the axe all day.”
Nora raised up onto her knees and pointed to the bedroll in front of them. “Take off the shirt.”
“What?” Luke pretended not to understand.
“Take off your shirt,” Nora patiently repeated. “I’ll rub your shoulders for you.”
Luke shook her head. “You don’t have to do this. You’re as exhausted as I am.”
“Then you can return the favor after your back rub,” Nora answered. She resolutely gestured down at the bedroll again.
After nine years as a soldier, Luke knew when she was defeated and had to capitulate. She turned around, her back to Nora, and quickly slipped out of her jacket and shirt.
Nora’s hand on her shoulder stopped her when she moved to lie down on her stomach. “This, too.” She tugged on the wrappings around Luke’s chest. “I’ll only succeed in rubbing your skin raw if I try to give you a massage while you wear this thing.”
Luke froze. Didn’t Nora understand how difficult this was for her? Unwrapping the bindings, transforming herself from man to woman, was something that she had only ever done in privacy. “Nora…” She closed her eyes, trying to find the words that would make Nora understand that the bindings weren’t just another article of clothing for her. “Undressing in front of someone…it’s not as easy for me as it might be for you.”
“But I’m not just ‘someone’, I’m your wife.” Nora pointed it out matter-of-factly, without scorn or teasing.
“That’s what the marriage certificate says, yes, but we both know that our relationship is not that easily defined.”
Nora tilted her head. The green eyes studied her. “Then how would you define our relationship?”
Luke had thought about this question a lot during the last few days. “We’re…friends.” It sounded more like a question than an answer in her own ears.
“Then why don’t you trust me? You trusted Tess enough to let her see you, didn’t you?”
Luke could hear a trace of bitterness in Nora’s voice. She knew that Nora was probably already thinking about why she found her less trustworthy than Tess. Sometimes, Nora still tended to attribute things to her own perceived shortcomings. “That was…different,” Luke reluctantly answered.
Nora didn’t let it go. “Different how?”
Luke rubbed her tired eyes. This was one question that she didn’t want to answer in detail. “Tess was not just my friend in the traditional sense of the word. I also shared her bed on a few occasions.” It wasn’t something she was particularly proud of, but it had happened and it gave her friendship with Tess a unique twist.
“Oh.” Nora was silent for a few moments. “I forgot about that. Again.” A rare blush colored Nora’s cheeks.
Nora seemed only too willing to forget the fact that Luke’s more passionate feelings were directed only towards women. For the most part, Luke was content do let her live in denial, but now she had to clear up a few things before they both could forget about it again. Or at least try to forget, in my case.
Nora was silent for so long that Luke thought the topic was closed. She slipped her shirt back on and began to re-button it.
“Does this mean that I have to share your bed before I can give you a simple back rub?” Nora asked suddenly.
Luke’s fingers slipped. She almost tore off a button. “What?! No! Of course not!”
“Then unwrap your chest and lie down,” Nora ordered calmly. “If I don’t give you a massage now, you’re gonna be of no use to this wagon train tomorrow.”
Luke covered her face with her hands. “God!” she groaned. “Have you always been this stubborn or is it a recent development?”
“Must have rubbed off on me,” Nora murmured.
Folding her arms over her still bandage-covered chest, Luke stared down at her. “From me, you mean, huh?”
“We’ve been discussing this massage for longer than it will probably take me to administer it. I think that speaks for itself, doesn’t it?” Nora didn’t even try to hide her smirk.
Luke sighed.
“Luke…” Nora stopped smirking and looked at her with a serious expression. “I know this isn’t easy for you, but…we both have to learn to deal with reality. Once we reach Oregon and work to establish a ranch, we’ll only have each other. There’ll be no doctor, no priest and no friends anywhere near us. I’ll be your doctor, your father confessor and your friend, and you’ll be mine.”
She didn’t want to admit it, but Luke was deeply impressed by that little speech. Nora was right. She had to learn to trust Nora in every situation. Wordlessly, she took off her shirt again. She waited for Nora to turn around, but when she didn’t avert her eyes, Luke turned away before she started to loosen the tight bandages that bound her breasts.
The cold air and Nora’s curious gaze that she could feel resting on her made her shiver. She quickly settled down on her stomach.
Nora knelt in the narrow space next to her. Luke could hear her inhale deeply, as if she had to mentally prepare herself for her task. She opened her mouth to tell her again that she didn’t need to do this. She almost choked on the words when she suddenly felt Nora’s hands on the bare skin of her back.
Nora’s skilful fingers quickly found the large knot between Luke’s shoulder-blades and began to work on it. After a while, her touch moved upwards and gentled as her fingers neared the area that had been wounded not long ago. Luke felt Nora’s distended belly rub against the small of her back as Nora bent over her. Her whole body began to tingle. She clenched her fists around the edge of the bedroll.
“Relax,” Nora whispered. Her breath flowed warmly over Luke’s ear, making her shiver.
Luke let go of the bedroll and consciously tried to relax. Her attempts didn’t last for long, though, because soon, Nora’s concentrated kneading became a caress. Her fingertips traced along Luke’s spine and explored the shape of her shoulder-blades. Warm hands smoothed over Luke’s hips and waist, then trailed upward and grazed the sides of her breasts. “Nora!” Luke groaned. She realized that she was gasping, caught between intense arousal and a panic attack. “What are you doing? I can’t relax…like this,” she said through clenched teeth.
Nora didn’t answer. It was almost as if she hadn’t heard Luke, too concentrated on exploring her body. “Your skin…,” she murmured. “It’s so soft. It feels like velvet over steel. Not like a man’s at all.”
A part of Luke was sure that she was imagining things, but for a moment, she thought she had felt Nora’s lips press a kiss to the back of her neck. Confused, she turned around and stared up at Nora. “Nora…”
Nora’s eyes were taking in her body.
Quickly, Luke covered her chest with her hands. She hadn’t realized that she would expose her breasts to Nora’s gaze when she turned around.
Nora laid her hand over Luke’s. Her fingers were only inches away from Luke’s breast. “Don’t,” she said quietly. “Don’t hide your body. Not from me.”
“B-but it’s…”
“It’s beautiful. You’re beautiful.” Nora gazed down into her eyes, and Luke could find only sincerity in her eyes.
“Nora…” It seemed to be the only word in her vocabulary. She wasn’t even sure what she was begging Nora for – for her to stop or to continue with her gentle touches.
Nora didn’t answer. Her lips were otherwise occupied as she leaned forward and kissed Luke’s cheek, then her jaw and finally, her lips skimmed over Luke’s own.
Luke forgot about her protests. She forgot all the reasons why this was not a good idea as her body reacted to Nora’s closeness and her gentle touches. Her arms slipped around Nora’s back, drawing her closer until Nora’s belly rested warm and comforting against her side. She caressed Nora’s cheek with her thumb until Nora searched her lips again.
Inebriated by the feel and taste of Nora, Luke lost herself in the kiss.
“Mama?”
Amy’s sleepy voice was like a bucket of ice-cold water that someone had poured out over them. They jerked away from each other.
Luke quickly pulled her shirt up to cover her chest.
Her chest heaving, Nora turned towards her daughter while Luke stared at her in shock. “Amy, sweetie, why are you awake? You should be sleeping.”
“Are you sick?” Amy mumbled around the thumb in her mouth.
Nora stared at her child. “What? No. Why would you think that, sweetheart?”
“You moaned,” Amy pointed out. “It waked me up.”
Luke felt her cheeks grow hot. She was mortally embarrassed to have been caught by the four year old. Not knowing how to face Nora or her daughter, she slipped her shirt back on and quietly slipped from the wagon. She would volunteer to stand guard again, even take two shifts in a row if need be. She needed the long hours alone to think about what had happened.
* * *
Nora looked at the Umatilla River that was running west in the distance. They were now very high up in the mountains, but it was not the thin mountain air that made Nora’s head spin.
Her thoughts were still revolving around last night. Now, in the light of day, what had happened between them seemed almost unreal, but Nora knew that it had not been a dream. Luke’s behavior told her that it had been very real.
Luke had avoided her all morning, keeping ahead of the wagons under the pretense of finding the best way for the wagon train.
Nora was almost glad about it. It spared her from having to find ways to avoid her. She needed time to think before she was ready to face Luke. She needed to understand her own actions before she could explain them to Luke.
So, why did you touch her body…kiss her? She had tried to seduce Luke before, true, but that had been before she had found out that Luke was a woman. At the beginning of their journey, she had thought that her body was the only thing that she could offer her “husband” in exchange for his protection. Now she had learned that she had much more to offer. Keeping Luke’s secret, making everyone believe that she’s a man – that’s your part of the deal. You’re not obliged to give her anything else. So why for heaven’s sake did you do this? God, if Amy hadn’t woken up when she did… would you really have slept with her?
Nora didn’t understand it. She didn’t understand herself. She tried to tell herself that it was just because she was still so used to thinking of Luke as a man. Even now, Luke was acting like a man, so it was hard to relate to her as a woman.
Then she sighed and shook her head. You’ve lied to your customers, to Amy and all the townsfolk for years, but please, don’t start lying to yourself! She had been very aware that Luke was not a man when she had kissed her. She had kissed and touched men only in exchange for their money or their protection. Yesterday, she hadn’t thought about money or other selfish reasons. She hadn’t thought at all – she had only felt.
And it had felt good, Nora admitted to herself. After the unwelcome attentions of her rough, beer-smelling customers, Luke’s soft touches had been… Her eyes fluttered shut as she remembered the softness, the gentleness of it all.
“Nora? Are you all right? There’s nothing wrong with the baby, is it?”
Nora groaned. Of course, Luke had to choose this moment to finally return to the wagon. She opened her eyes and met shy gray eyes. “No, I’m all right.” At least, physically. She eyed Luke, trying to gauge her mood.
“Oh. Good, good.” Luke averted her eyes. With a fleeting nod, she started to walk away again.
Nora hesitated for a few seconds, but she had always met difficult situations head-on. “Luke? I think we should talk.”
Luke stopped in mid-step. Her shoulders slumped, and she slowly turned back around, still not meeting Nora’s eyes.
What does she have to be so upset about? Nora wondered. She’s shared her bed with women before, so how is this any different for her?
“I should apologize,” Luke murmured.
Nora stared at her. It would be so easy to blame it all on Luke who already seemed to feel guilty, but that would hardly be fair. “Why are you apologizing for something that you didn’t even start? I was the one who kissed you first, remember?”
“It was a scary night, closed off from the world in the mountains. You were afraid, and overtired, and you wanted to make me feel better—”
“No.” Nora couldn’t accept the explanations that Luke offered, even when it would have been so much easier.
Luke’s eyes widened. “N-no?”
“Yes, I was afraid, and tired, and I wanted you to feel better, but I didn’t touch you and kiss you because of that,” Nora admitted.
They stared at each other until Luke had the courage to ask, “Then why…why did you do it?”
“Why did you kiss me back?” Now Nora was the one who avoided having to answer.
Luke looked away, intently studying the oxen’s backs. “You know that I…like women.”
“So if Bernice or Emmy came over right now and kissed you, you’d return that kiss, too?” It hurt to think that it had been so impersonal for Luke that she could have replaced her with any other woman, but she quickly shoved the thought away. She couldn’t imagine Luke kissing anyone else. She didn’t even want to imagine her kissing Tess.
“No! No, of course not.”
“But you did kiss me,” Nora pointed out. She could still feel the soft lips against her own.
Luke sighed. “Yeah.”
“Why?” Nora asked again.
“It won’t happen again. Let’s leave it at that, all right?”
What if I want it to happen again? Nora froze. Where did this come from? You’re not like that! You shared your bed with more men than the rest of the train’s women together, remember? Then another thought occurred to her. Maybe that’s the reason why Luke’s lips and hands felt so good. After having to submit to so many men’s urges, your body can’t relax with one of them anymore. “No.”
Luke stared at her, fear and hope mixing in her gaze.
“Ignoring it won’t make this go away. We’re planning to build a future together, we can’t afford to let this come between us,” Nora pointed out.
“Oh yeah?” Luke crossed her arms over her chest. For the first time, she looked Nora in the eyes, a challenging expression on her face. “You think that we can’t afford to ignore…this, huh? I have to answer your questions, when you still haven’t answered mine? You thought I wouldn’t notice?”
Nora didn’t have to ask what question she was talking about. It was the same question that had kept her awake all night and that had troubled her all day: Why had she kissed Luke? “I don’t know,” she admitted. “The best explanation that I can come up with is that after all these years working for Tess and then enduring the hardships on the trail…” She shrugged. “I guess for once, I just wanted to do something for no other reason but that it felt good.”
“It…it did?”
“You didn’t think so?” She had never had any complaints from her sexual partners before. It was the one area where she never had any doubts about her skills, and it felt strange to discover that there was still one area where she was as inexperienced and clueless as a virgin.
Luke closed her eyes. The dark lashes against the suddenly pale skin of her face made her appear vulnerable and as feminine as Nora had ever seen her. “It felt…heavenly,” she whispered so quietly that Nora could barely understand.
Nora forced a chaotic wave of emotions back down. Instead, she said matter-of-factly, “So, for the protocol, we’ve both enjoyed it, and we’re still determined to build a mutually beneficial life together. Right?”
Luke could barely nod. She was holding her breath, wondering where Nora was going with this. At least, it seemed to mean that Nora would not break their deal and run away in disgust.
“Then there’s no reason why we shouldn’t extend our deal a bit,” Nora suggested. “We’ve both had hard lives, so what if we give each other a little comfort every now and then…”
Luke took a desperate hold on the wagon seat. She had never fainted in her life, but now she felt as if she would make up for that in the next few seconds. She stared at Nora in shock and disbelief. It wasn’t just the suggestion that they could share their bed, even though it came unexpected. Luke had dreamed about that for the last few weeks, but she had never even dared to let herself believe for a second that Nora could return that interest. At the first glance, it seemed like Luke’s dream had suddenly come true, but she could feel no joy. Nora’s matter-of-fact suggestion wasn’t what she had dreamed about. An extension of their business deal wasn’t what she wanted. She abruptly turned and walked away.
“Luke!” Nora started to follow her, but then remembered that she was still driving the oxen and couldn’t just leave the wagon. “Luke! Did I…offend you?”
Anger and disappointment suddenly gripped Luke. She turned back around and shouted, “If that was what I wanted from you, I could have…” She stopped herself, swallowed and lowered her voice. “I could have paid to share your bed in Independence.”
Nora stared at her over the backs of the oxen. Suddenly, the ox team wasn’t all that separated them. A rift had opened up between them. After long seconds of a silent stare down, Luke turned and walked away.
* * *
The Indian Agency was abandoned. Nora had looked forward to visiting with white settlers, maybe even dining in the first frame house they had seen since leaving Missouri. Instead, they camped in wary distance of a large Indian village, finding only dry grass for their exhausted livestock.
Suddenly, Nora had to fight against threatening tears. She tried to tell herself that it was only the dust from the trail that irritated her eyes, but she knew that it was not. Her very pregnant body simply was at the end of its strength. The trek through the Blue Mountains had exhausted not only her, but every human and animal in the train. And it hadn’t even been the worst stretch of trail that was still ahead of them. To the west, the Cascade Mountains appeared like an impassable blue wall. Mount Hood loomed so high that it looked like a stationary white cloud.
Nora was afraid that they would never reach their new home. On top of that, she felt that she had lost the person who had been her main source of strength and encouragement during the whole journey. Luke hadn’t talked to her for almost two days, and this time, Nora was afraid to break the silence. She didn’t know what to say to rectify the situation. How could I, when I don’t even know what Luke wants to hear? I thought she desired me, but she was so angry…so…disappointed…
She settled down on a rock on the banks of the Umatilla River, close enough to the circled wagons to hear Amy should she wake up in the middle of the night, but far away enough to be alone. With hanging shoulders, she stared off into the darkness.
“Hey.”
Luke’s quiet voice made her look up. She met the gaze of the turbulent gray eyes for a moment, then lowered her head again.
“Are you all right?” Luke asked. “You look—”
“Exhausted,” Nora finished the sentence for her.
Luke shook her head. “Sad was what I wanted to say.”
Nora sighed, but didn’t answer.
After a moment, she felt Luke settle down next to her on the rock. “I shouldn’t have yelled at you…or ignored you for two days.”
“Then why did you?”
Luke scraped the soles of her boots over the pebbles on the edge of the river. “I don’t want to be just another customer for you, buying your…physical affections in exchange for protecting and providing for you.”
Nora’s head jerked up. “You’re not,” she answered vehemently.
“You offered to ‘extend our deal’,” Luke pointed out.
Nora wearily rubbed her forehead. If she was honest with herself, touching Luke wasn’t a part of their deal for her. She had phrased it like a business offer to make it easier for herself to explain why she was suddenly contemplating going to bed with a woman. She had tried to convince herself that it wouldn’t be any different from sleeping with one of her male customers, when deep down, she knew very well that being with Luke would be nothing like that. Her shoulders sagged and she glanced up at Luke through half-lowered lashes. “I didn’t know any other way…”
Luke stared at her with intense curiosity. “To do what?”
“To explain why… why I want to be…close to you.” Nora awkwardly bent down, picked up a pebble and threw it into the river. She watched the circular waves, anything to avoid looking at the silent woman next to her.
“You…you do?” It sounded as startled and confused as Nora felt. “You want to be close to me?”
Still not turning around, Nora nodded.
She heard Luke take a deep breath. “You don’t need an explanation for that. If you want to be close, that’s enough for me.” Luke lifted the arm closest to Nora, silently offering her an embrace.
Nora had to smile. This was not exactly the kind of closeness she had thought about. In some respects, the experienced, battle-hardened wagon train Captain was still very much an innocent. With an almost amused shake of her head, she turned and moved into Luke’s arms for a careful hug.
After a few moments where they held each other loosely, not allowing too much contact between their bodies, both relaxed and moved a little closer. Nora rested her face against the crook of Luke’s neck, deeply breathing in the comforting scent of leather, horse, and something that was just Luke.
God, this is nice. Nora realized that she hadn’t been hugged like this in years.
“This is nice,” Luke whispered, voicing Nora’s thoughts.
“Uh-huh.” Nora hummed her agreement and slowly nestled closer. During the last few years, touching had been something that went hand in hand with pain and humiliation. The feelings of peace and pleasure that Luke’s touch brought were a surprise. She rested her cheek against Luke’s upper chest and closed her eyes. The lack of sight intensified her other senses. She could feel the hitch in Luke’s breathing and the rapid thrumming of her heart. Her cheek was pressed tight against the roughness of Luke’s shirt. Underneath, she could feel the tight wrappings and her mind immediately imagined the slight swell of breasts that her cheek rested against.
Nora didn’t stop to think about her actions. Relaxed and a little sleepy, she acted on pure instinct. She raised her hand and traced the edge of the wrappings in idle curiosity.
The chest under her hand lifted, involuntarily pressing even closer against Nora’s fingers when Luke sucked in a breath. “Nora!” Luke groaned.
Nora looked up into the gray eyes that had now gone dark. Her hand stilled on Luke’s chest, but didn’t move away. The situation suddenly reminded her of the day years ago when she had first discovered the power that she held over men. Luke seemed equally helpless under her touch. Only this time, Nora didn’t plan to take advantage of it just to ensure her and Amy’s survival. Luke had already promised to give her everything she needed – now she would take what she wanted.
“Nora!” Luke tried to shake off the gently stroking fingers. “I thought we agreed that there’s no need for you to do that…”
Pulling her hands back, Nora fixed her gaze on the familiar face. “Do you know what I liked about you from the very first day that we met?”
Luke swallowed heavily, clearly confused at the perceived change of topic. She tilted her head. “W-what? What was it?”
Nora looked down at her hands. “You never, not even once, treated me like a prostitute. Please, don’t start doing it now.”
Gray eyes flashed. “I’m not! That’s exactly why I don’t—”
Nora quickly lifted her hand again, pressing her fingers against Luke’s lips to stop the words. Once again, she was surprised at how soft those lips felt. “If you avoid touching me and being touched by me just because of my past, if you ignore my right to decide with whom I want to share my bed, out of my own free will…then you are treating me like a prostitute.” The lips under her fingers moved and trembled, but Luke just stared at her without saying anything. “Don’t you think a former prostitute can share her bed…and her body…without it being…work, a means to an end?”
“Of course! Of course, they…you can. But…” Luke shook her head in frustration. “It’s just hard for me to believe that anyone, much less someone as beautiful as you, would want to lie with me without…well, getting anything out of it.”
“What about Tess?” Nora pointed out the first thing that came to mind. “She did lie with you, and you never paid her for it either.”
Luke sighed. “She got my friendship and my protection instead of money.”
“Luke…I know you’re proud of the rank you earned, and you should be, but…you were just a Lieutenant, so how much protection could you probably offer her? Don’t you think she would have slept with a general instead if all that she wanted was protection?” Nora shook her head. “She likes you, that was why she invited you into her bed. And that’s why I’m doing it, too.”
The trembling lips began to move again, no doubt to protest once more. Nora had enough of this discussion. Why couldn’t Luke, who had been the one to convince her of her own worth as a woman and a human being, realize that she herself was likeable and desirable, too? Nora decided to show her instead. When Luke’s mouth opened, she moved back into the embrace and covered Luke’s lips with her own.
Luke struggled half-heartedly, and gently tried to push her back, but under the determined attack of Nora’s skilled lips, her resistance quickly died down. Calloused, but gentle hands wandered over Nora’s back and began to press her closer against Luke’s body.
“Nora?”
Nora almost fell from the rock at the sudden sound of another voice behind her. Working in Tess’ brothel, she had learned never to lose track of her surroundings while she entertained a customer. Even during the most heated kisses she had always been aware of everything that went on around her. But now, she had been totally obvious to everything but Luke. The hands that clutched her in surprise as Luke jerked back told her that the normally watchful Luke had been equally caught up in their kiss.
When Nora turned around, she saw Bernice standing behind them, staring at them with her hands on her hips and a hard expression on her normally warm and friendly face. “Can I talk to you for a minute?”
Awkwardly, Nora climbed from the rock. She was in no hurry to have that conversation, knowing that Bernice didn’t want to chat about the weather or tomorrow’s meals.
“I think I’ll head back to camp and see if Jacob needs my help shoeing that ox,” Luke mumbled. With hurried steps, she disappeared into the darkness.
Coward! Clenching her hands to fists, Nora turned towards Bernice. She didn’t have to wait long for what the older woman had to say.
“What are you doing for heaven’s sake?!” Bernice roughly shook her head. Everything in her voice and body language signaled disapproval.
For a moment, Nora was transported back to one of the countless confrontations with her parents. They had found fault in everything she did, too. Nothing she ever said, did or was had found their approval. “I was kissing the person I’m married to,” she answered with sudden defiance.
Bernice stared at her. “Nora!” She reached out and gently shook her, as if to wake her up. “She’s a woman! Did you already forget that?”
Nora’s rebellion died down. “No, I didn’t,” she murmured.
“Then why are you acting like this? It’s…unnatural! A sin!” Bernice’s dark eyes flashed with anger, sorrow and bewilderment.
“Unnatural…a sin,” Nora repeated, more to herself. Her parents had taught her the same thing. Being regarded as a sinner was nothing new for Nora. It was what the upright citizens of Independence had spat at her before crossing to the other side of the street for the last three years. She had always thought that would change should she one day find an honorable, kind person who was willing to marry her – and now that she had, she was still called a sinner.
“Yes,” Bernice emphasized. “So why did you let her do this to you?”
Nora grimaced. Of course Bernice would think that Luke had instigated the kiss. In Bernice’s eyes, Luke was a strange, unnatural creature, leading a life that she didn’t understand, so it was only logical for her to assume that Luke had been the one to make unwelcome advances that Nora merely endured out of a feeling of obligation. Nothing could have been farther from the truth. “Luke didn’t do anything to me,” she clarified.
Bernice folded her arms over a chest that was heaving with indignation. “Don’t try to protect her! I know what I saw!”
“No, you don’t,” Nora said softly, but with determination. “You don’t know anything about this…situation.”
“I know enough to see that you’re only gonna get hurt. If anyone else but me had seen you kissing her…” Bernice closed her eyes for a moment as if she was picturing the described disaster.
Nora shook her head. “Everyone else still thinks that Luke is a man. No one would have thought anything of it, if they had seen us kiss each other.”
“All right,” Bernice conceded. “But you, you know better. You know that it’s wrong to share that kind of…intimacies with her.”
“Do I?” She had told herself the same thing for weeks, but every time she was close to Luke, it felt so very right. For the first time in her life, she had someone who respected her and stood by her, no matter what. Someone who was a loyal friend to her and a wonderful “father” to Amy. How could physical affection with that kind of person be a mortal sin while the cruel groping of her customers had been just a minor offence tolerated by society?
Bernice reached out and softly touched her cheek, directing Nora’s gaze to meet hers. “Nora…don’t taint your soul with that kind of thing.”
“I’m not a saint, Bernice. If my soul is tainted, it has been like that long before I ever met Luke. You know what I was and what I’ve done. I’d still be doing it if it wasn’t for Luke,” Nora said.
“So you’re doing this out of gratitude.”
“No.”
“What is it then?” Bernice wanted to know.
Nora sighed. How could she explain something that she didn’t know herself? Why did she have to explain her reasons at all? Suddenly, she began to get annoyed. She shrugged, not wanting to say something that would hurt Bernice. She knew that the older woman only meant well.
“You’re risking perdition without even knowing why? Nora, please, think before you rush headlong into disaster!” Bernice intently stared at her. “If not for yourself, then at least think about the little ones.” She gently touched Nora’s enlarged belly.
That had been the wrong thing to say. For all her insecurities regarding her relationship with Luke, Nora was sure of one thing: Luke was the best second parent for her children that she could ever hope to find. She refused to think that Luke’s presence in their lives would hurt them in any way. “I’m going to bed,” she announced, ending their discussion.
“Not into Luke’s, I hope.”
Nora abruptly turned back around. The two women stared at each other. Bernice seemed as surprised as Nora was about what she had just said.
“I’m sorry,” Bernice said after long seconds of silence. “I don’t want to nag you. I know you had enough of that with your parents, but…”
Nora touched the older woman’s forearm. “I know you don’t understand. How could you when I don’t understand it myself. I just know that Luke… she’s my future. I feel like I was supposed to marry her all along.”
“A woman?!”
“I know, I know. I can’t explain it, but that’s the way I feel.”
Bernice sighed. She knew as well as Nora that this was not something that they would resolve tonight. “Go on, to bed with you, girl.”
Nora could feel Luke’s presence when she slipped into the wagon. Her skin tingled where the gaze of the gray eyes rested on her.
“What did she want? Did she…did she see us?” Luke asked meekly.
“Bernice is a mother – she sees everything,” Nora answered without telling her anything.
“She scolded you, didn’t she? I’m sorry…”
Nora was at the end of her patience. “Stop apologizing! Why does everyone think they have to take responsibility for my behavior?! Kissing you was my choice.”
“Sorry…” When she saw Nora’s expression, Luke quickly added, “…not for kissing you back, but for implying that you couldn’t make your own choices.”
Nora smiled and gradually relaxed. Very aware of the Garfield’s wagon right next to theirs, she settled down on her side of the wagon, careful not to come into contact with Luke’s body in the close quarters. She closed her eyes, but knew that she would not be able to sleep tonight.
* * *
The exhausted oxen crawled up the steep ravine. With heaving flanks, they stopped as soon as Luke halted and put down the whip. Luke gazed back at the wagon. Its condition wasn’t any better than that of the oxen, and their provisions were running dangerously low.
Luke waited until Nora had reached her side. Heavily pregnant now, she was more waddling than walking, and Luke was constantly worrying about her. She pointed to the fork in the road in front of them. “The one on the right goes to The Dalles and the Columbia, the left one to the Barlow Road. Any preferences?”
The emigrants had already discussed their options at dinner last night. At this point, the Cascade Mountains stopped their journey, so they either had to float down the dangerous Columbia River on crude rafts or overpriced boats or travel around the south side of Mount Hood over the Barlow Road, known as the worst stretch of road on the entire Oregon Trail.
“Just the thought of boarding a raft makes me green about the gills,” Nora murmured. “Not that I like the thought of navigating 60% grades any better.”
Luke gave her an encouraging pat on the shoulder, then quickly pulled her hand away when she became aware of Bernice watching them from the wagon behind them. “Great.” She grimaced. “You’re the best chaperoned lady on this train.”
Nora grinned tiredly. “I’m no lady. That’s why Bernice thinks she has to watch me like a hawk.”
Despite her frustration, Luke had to laugh. “You are more of a lady than any other woman I know. Acting snobbish is not what makes a lady – a good heart is.”
“Come on, Captain!” Jacob Garfield stepped up to them. “Whispering sweet nothings to your wife is not gonna help us across the Cascades.”
His good-natured teasing told Luke that Bernice was still keeping her secret. Yeah. But for how much longer? She was aware of the suspicious glances Bernice constantly sent her way when she stood a little too close to Nora. Straightening her shoulders, she turned to Jacob. “I think the toll road is the better choice. It’s strenuous, but not as much of a gamble than the whirlpools of the Columbia.”
Jacob nodded and without further discussion, they began the last and hardest part of the journey.
* * *
Dear God! Nora stared down the almost vertical drop-off. She knew they had to get the wagons down this chute, but couldn’t imagine how they would do it without them ending up splintered at the bottom. Laurel Hill was so steep that only a few laurels clung to it, giving it its name. To make it even worse, a cold rain was pouring down, which made the road slippery.
The road was cut down so deep that Nora couldn’t even see the wagons and oxen at some points, almost as if they were traveling in a dry riverbed. Luke and the other drivers were wading through deep mud on the bank, while all around Nora, the women were carrying their children through the dense brush and over fallen logs next to the road.
“And here we thought Little Laurel Hill was bad,” Bernice mumbled next to her.
For Nora, their trek through the Cascade Mountains had been a nightmare. She had struggled down muddy declines and up steep hills, over roots, branches, fallen trees, mud holes, and frothing streams. Luke had sent her sympathetic glances the whole time, but she didn’t dare to let them rest for long in the mountains, knowing that all their stock would be killed if they were caught in a storm.
Nora watched as the men chained the wagon wheels and wound ropes around trees to slow down the wagons’ decent. A grim-faced Luke shook her head and ordered the men to tie a long tree trunk to the wagons for additional braking. The branches of the tree gouged deep grooves into the wet soil while the first wagon began to inch down the chute.
Nora clutched Amy’s hand tighter and slowly started down the steep road.
This time, their wagon was the last to make the descent, keeping Nora in constant tension. With relief, she watched as the wagon reached the end of the scree-covered chute, but a sudden snap made her freeze in horror.
With an almost human groan, the wood of one front wheel crumpled. The pots and pans in the wagon clattered and their one surviving hen cackled in protest as the front end of the wagon came crashing down. The oxen lowed when they were suddenly jerked back, and then, everything was quiet.
Nora only noticed that she had sunk to her knees when Luke wrapped her arms around her and gently pulled her up into her arms. “Hey, hey,” she murmured soothingly. “It’s not the axle, it’s just one of the wheels. I’m sure that I can fix it. I just have to unload the wagon and lift it enough so that I can slip the spare wheel on the axle.”
Nora relaxed against the comforting warmth of Luke’s body against her side. She was glad of Luke’s foresight not to abandon the extra wheel somewhere along the road because of the weight it added to the wagon. “Do we have enough time?” she asked worriedly. Darkness was already falling, and she knew that in half an hour, she wouldn’t be able to see an inch in front of her.
Luke’s arms clutched her tighter, then let go. “No. It’s gonna have to wait until first light tomorrow morning.” She walked over to the Garfields. “Jacob, I want you to take the rest of the wagons and lead them to the Zigzag River. Camp there, rest the stock and wait for us.”
“No.” Jacob and the other emigrants around him shook their heads. “We’ll stay with you and continue together tomorrow morning.”
Nora directed a hopeful glance at Luke. As much as she had sometimes longed for some space and privacy on the crowded trail, now she didn’t want to stay behind all alone in the inhospitable mountains.
“I’m sorry,” Luke directed her words at Jacob, but looked at Nora, “but that’s not a good idea. The cattle are exhausted and hungry, and there’s not a blade of grass for them right here. We’d have to keep them yoked all night for fear that they would eat the poisonous laurel that’s growing all around here. Zigzag River is a much better camp.”
Jacob looked at the weary oxen, at the bushes of laurel and then back at Luke. Finally, he nodded. “All right. We’ll see you tomorrow.” He turned towards his wagon.
“Jacob?” Luke called after him. “Do you think you can take Nora and Amy with you?”
“No!” Nora said and clutched Luke’s sleeve before Jacob could answer. “You can send the others away but not me. Not me. We’re your family and we’re not leaving you behind.” She sent a defiant glance in Bernice’s direction, daring her to object to the term “family”. Bernice met her gaze, but said nothing.
Luke looked into her face as if gauging her determination. Then she nodded with a sigh.
Nora watched as the other wagons slowly continued west. As the last formerly white wagon cover disappeared behind the dense wall of pines and firs, a sense of dread robbed Nora of breath.
* * *
“Come on.” Luke swung the crying Amy up into her arms, instantly making the tears stop. “Let’s build you a nice, cozy nest in the wagon.”
The wagon was tilted to one side, standing on only three wheels. The provisions and tools inside had rolled against the board on the side with the damaged wheel, so that left only enough space in the wagon for one person to sleep inside.
Nora put Amy to bed between the familiar contours of the pickle keg and a sack of flour while Luke cut down the branches of an alder for the oxen to browse on.
Wordlessly, they unrolled one of the bedrolls next to the wagon and covered it with their blankets and the remaining bedroll. A slight rain that began to look more like sleet was still falling. A warming fire would be impossible tonight.
Luke lay down on the bedroll and patted the remaining space right next to her. “Come here. This is the only way of keeping halfway warm tonight.”
Nora slipped under the blankets, already shivering with the cold. She could feel the warmth of Luke’s skin and inevitably moved closer.
Luke’s arms slowly settled around her.
Finally, Nora’s teeth stopped chattering as she slipped an arm around Luke’s waist.
“Maybe it’s for the best that the others are miles ahead of us. If Bernice saw us… she wouldn’t like this,” Luke murmured.
Nora cuddled even closer, feeling quite at home in the warm embrace. “No, she wouldn’t - but I do.”
Luke’s cheek pressed against the crown of her head and she heard her breathe in the scent of her hair. “Hmmm, me too.”
Nora lifted up on one hand to look her in the eyes and suddenly noticed that her fingers rested on Luke’s chest. She could feel that Luke was still wearing the tight bandages that bound her breasts. “Isn’t that horribly uncomfortable? To live trapped in those wrappings every hour of every day of your life?”
“It’s a small prize to pay.”
Nora studied the flat chest under her fingers. “Well, it certainly makes your disguise much more convincing. But what about…” She trailed off, biting her lip.
“What?” Luke’s voice rumbled low and intimate right next to her ear.
She knew that they had developed that much trust between them that she could ask Luke anything, but still she couldn’t find the words. Instead, her hand wandered downwards from its place on Luke’s chest, tracing down a muscled abdomen and over a strong thigh. “What do you use to make…this look convincing?” She softly pressed her palm against the area in question.
“Uh.” Luke’s low moan made goose-bumps erupt all over Nora’s skin. Luke’s hand shot down and covered her own, staying there as if she wasn’t sure if she should snatch Nora’s fingers away or press them closer against herself. “Careful,” she groaned.
Nora barely resisted the urge to feel around. “Is it… some kind of…prosthesis?” She had heard a few of the girls in Tess’ establishment whisper about such things.
“No. Just a little padding that I sewed into my pants.” Nora could feel the heat of Luke’s cheek against her head as the experienced trail leader blushed like a teenager. “Could you…move your hand away…please?” Luke’s voice was breathless and husky.
If the bulge that she so artfully displayed was just soft padding in her pants, then Nora’s touch couldn’t have hurt her, yet still, Luke was sweating and trembling. Nora leaned over her to look into her eyes. The weight of her swollen belly pressed her hand more firmly against Luke.
With a growl, Luke surged forward and captured Nora’s lips in a rough kiss. The iron self-control that Nora had always admired finally shattered. With an almost desperate intensity, Luke’s mouth robbed her of breath while her hands were trying to be everywhere, do everything at once.
“Hey, hey, slow down.” Nora moved back an inch to study the wild expression on Luke’s face.
Luke snatched her hands away and sat up, all bodily contact between them suddenly gone. “S-sorry. I…”
“Oh, no!” Nora roughly grabbed her shoulder and pulled her back down. “I’m through with this dance of one step forward, two steps back that we’ve been doing with each other. I’m through with letting Bernice or social conventions dictate each and every one of my actions. You taught me that I have the right and the skills to decide how I want to live my life – and whom I want to share it with. So this is my decision.” Suddenly, she faltered. “Unless, of course, you don’t want this… don’t want me…”
The answer was Luke’s lips that covered her own again, this time without the desperate urgency, but with a more gentle passion.
At first, Nora reacted with the practiced response of a former prostitute, but Luke didn’t let her hide in her usual anonymity. Luke’s gray eyes looked intently into her own, leaving no doubt about who she was with as her trembling fingers began to work the tiny buttons of Nora’s bodice free.
Years of working in a brothel had left Nora anything but shy about nudity. Her body had been her most powerful instrument. But she hadn’t been nine months pregnant then, and she hadn’t been with someone whose own body was, in Nora’s opinion, as close to perfection as possible. When she had seen Luke’s body, she had been wounded and weak, but even then, Luke had reminded her of the portrait of an ancient goddess of the hunt that hung over her father’s fireplace. Strong and muscular, with just a hint of softness that prevented her from appearing unyielding and hard. There was something untamed about her, yet there was a tenderness in her eyes that Nora didn’t dare to think about for too long.
She held her breath, waiting for Luke’s reaction, when Luke stripped her free of bodice and skirt, revealing her enlarged belly.
Luke stopped and worriedly hovered over her when she felt Nora stiffen. “What is it? This won’t hurt the baby, will it?”
Nora’s fingers slipped into the black curls of Luke’s hair, lovingly fingering the soft, cool strands. She couldn’t help but be touched by her thoughtfulness. “Don’t worry, the baby’s fine.”
“It won’t notice if we…when we…” Luke awkwardly pointed between Nora and herself.
“I don’t think he or she can see through my skin, but if she can feel it…then at least she will know that she’ll be born into a loving family,” Nora said with a grin.
Luke barked out a surprised laugh at that comment, her nervousness very obvious to Nora.
“Relax. Despite whatever Bernice might think about it, I came to believe that there is nothing to be ashamed of about this.” Nora slid her fingers down tense shoulders. “Let me—”
Luke’s nervous rigidity quickly disappeared as she rolled around so that she was on top. She leaned over Nora on her elbows, very careful not to press against her belly with too much force. Her lips trailed down Nora’s neck and over her collarbone, then ghosted over her breasts in a whisper-like touch until they pressed a kiss against her bulging belly through the thin fabric of her chemise.
Nora had never had much patience with the awkward fumbling of her customers, but she found the trembling of Luke’s hands as she slipped the skirt down her hips nothing but endearing and sweet. She had never thought it possible, but everything about this experience seemed new and fresh, almost as if she had never shared her bed and her body with anyone before.
She shivered in the cold mountain air as Luke lifted the chemise over her head, then, in the next second, heat shot through her when Luke’s body pressed against hers again. A strong thigh came to rest against Nora’s center, and she stifled a moan.
Luke’s long fingers entwined with Nora’s smaller ones, softly stroking a thumb over Nora’s palm while her other hand tenderly cupped a heavy breast. She looked at it as though it was an awesome miracle of nature, and finally, Nora’s gaze followed hers, trying to see what Luke was seeing. Pregnancy had darkened the skin around her nipples and blue veins blemished the normally fair skin.
Then soft lips closed over her sensitive nipple, and Nora instantly forgot her self-critical examination of her own body. Her fingers flexed helplessly against the back of Luke’s head, pulling her even closer.
Luke’s free hand rasped along the underside of her other breast, making her hold her breath in expectation of where that hand would end up. She could feel the rough calluses on Luke’s palm, testament to years of hard work. They formed a contrast to the gentleness of Luke’s touch that she found strangely alluring.
When that hand began a tender massage, Luke pulled her lips away and trailed a line of kisses over Nora’s belly.
Nora arched upward when a playful tongue dipped into her pushed out bellybutton.
Luke’s hands followed her lips downward, making heat flash along the same path.
“Luke…” Nora found herself gasping for breath.
“Sssh. Your turn to relax. Don’t worry, you’re safe with me.” Luke’s words tingled against her skin. Then Luke moved back a few inches and loosened the ribbon that held back Nora’s hair. She stared at the red waves that came tumbling down over Nora’s fair shoulders, giving her a look that was innocent and seductive at the same time. “You’re beautiful,” Luke whispered.
Nora couldn’t believe that anyone could find her beautiful with her very pregnant, trail-dust covered body, but the awe in Luke’s voice left no doubt about the sincerity of her compliment.
Luke gazed directly into Nora’s eyes, smoothing an errant strand of hair from her forehead while her other hand drew sensuous circles around Nora’s navel. The intensity of her gaze was almost overwhelming, and Nora felt it like a touch. “What do you want me to do?”
Nora blinked. Thinking and answering questions was becoming difficult under Luke’s distracting touches. “W-what?”
“How do you want me? How should I… touch you?” Luke asked quietly.
Nobody had asked her that for years, if ever. She gave Luke a tremulous smile. “However you want to.”
“No. However you want to. So, what do you like? I can do whatever you want me to…well, except for certain obvious…acts, of course.” Luke gazed down at her with an expression that was a mixture of embarrassment and regret.
Nora suddenly understood. Luke was referring to the fact that physically, she was not a man. Obviously, she was assuming that Nora would think their love-making inferior to anything that she could experience with a man. She reached out and touched Luke’s cheek, watching her eyelids flutter shut at the touch. “I got to ‘enjoy’ that particular act in abundance during the last few years. I’m not going to miss it, believe me.”
Luke still hovered over her. “So you don’t like…?” She stopped and gestured, too embarrassed to finish her sentence.
“Luke,” Nora stopped the nervous discussion, “all appearances aside, you are still a woman.”
Wide gray eyes stared at her, almost shocked by those words. Luke waited warily for wherever Nora was going with this line of reasoning.
“When it comes down to it, our bodies are basically the same. You know what would feel good to you, so why not just assume that I’d like it, too?” Nora suggested.
Luke took a deep breath. She was still nervous, but finally nodded and lowered her lips to Nora’s again. Her eyes still locked to Nora’s, she slowly opened the drawstring closure of Nora’s drawers and slid the undergarment down her body. The gray eyes glittered with curiosity and something else that Nora couldn’t identify so readily when she looked down at Nora’s naked body.
Nora shivered under the intense gaze.
Putting it down to the coldness of the mountain air, Luke moved over her. The blanket that still covered Luke’s shoulders settled over both of them, blocking out the rest of the world.
Luke tenderly smoothed the tip of her finger down Nora’s cheek, then kissed the curve of her neck. The warm touch of Luke’s lips explored the arch of her collar-bones, then trailed open-mouthed kisses over her chest, until they nuzzled Nora’s breast, this time without the barrier of her chemise.
Nora shuddered. Her fingers clutched Luke’s shoulders, holding her close against her.
Luke moved back a few inches to look up at her with concern in her eyes. “I’m not hurting you, am I?”
The words, spoken so close against Nora’s skin, only increased Nora’s shivering. “No,” she said, reaching down to smooth back the short, unruly dark hair that fell into Luke’s forehead. “But with me being with child, they’re very…sensitive.”
“Oh.” Luke softly stroked the side of a breast. “I didn’t know that.”
“That doesn’t mean you have to stop. It feels very nice,” Nora told her.
A slow smile curled Luke’s lips before Nora lost sight of them as the tender touches continued and she closed her eyes.
Luke slowly moved down her body. She stopped at Nora’s belly. She laid both of her palms against the swell of her abdomen as if to establish some kind of contact.
Nora had assumed that Luke would ignore her belly and just try to work around the limitations that came with her pregnancy. The reverent kisses that Luke placed all over her belly brought tears to her eyes, and she quickly wiped them away, knowing that Luke would only become concerned if she saw them.
Luke laid her cheek against Nora’s belly, pressing her ear against her skin.
“What are you doing?” Nora lifted her head from the bedroll. She couldn’t help but smile as she looked down at Luke. Physical relations had never been like this for her. With every one of her other partners, the sexual act would have already been over by now, but Luke hadn’t even touched her most intimate areas and seemed in no hurry to do it.
“Hush.” Luke’s ear was still pressed to Nora’s belly, her expression one of intense concentration. “I’m talking to your daughter.”
Nora swallowed down the sudden lump in her throat. “What’s she saying?” she whispered hoarsely.
Luke grinned. “She’s…complaining.”
“About what?”
Luke pretended to listen again. “She says all that rocking and squirming of her…temporary home is keeping her awake.”
“Well, tell her it can’t be helped.” Resolutely, she pulled Luke down against her body again.
“Sorry, Little One,” Luke whispered against her skin, “your temporary home says it can’t be helped. You can get her back for keeping you up all night later this year.” With one final kiss to the swollen belly, Luke moved on, raining kisses across the rounded curve of Nora’s hip.
“All night?” Nora gasped when the warm lips wandered down her thigh and then nuzzled the sensitive spot behind one knee.
Luke hummed her agreement against Nora’s calf. She rubbed her cheek against the soft skin of Nora’s ankle, reminding Nora of a big, purring cat, then tenderly kissed a blister that had formed on Nora’s heel.
The kisses continued until Nora felt that every inch of her had been worshipped. Despite still being fully clothed, Luke made love with her whole body and to Nora’s whole body, not just the one part of it that men usually concentrated on. I wonder if it’s always like this with a woman?
Then all thoughts ceased as Luke’s lips found the one spot on her body that they hadn’t touched yet. Her eyes snapped open. “W-what…what are you doing?”
Soft hair tickled Nora’s thigh as Luke lifted her head. Uncertain gray eyes stared up at her. “You don’t like it?”
“No…I mean…I…I think I do…enjoy it, I mean.” Lord, and here I thought I was the experienced one! She’s only ever been with one person in her life and yet she’s making me tremble and stammer like a virgin on her wedding night. Suddenly a thought occurred to her.
Luke reached up a hand to trace the smile on her lips. Automatically, she echoed it with one of her own. “What are you smiling about?”
Nora kissed the fingers on her lips. “Well, it just occurred to me that this could be considered our wedding night.”
She felt Luke’s body jerk against hers in surprise. Then Luke laughed, a sound that rumbled through Nora and made goose-bumps break out all over her skin. “Talk about performance anxiety…”
Nora threaded her fingers through Luke’s hair. “You’ve got nothing to be anxious about,” she assured her and meant it.
They stared into each other’s eyes for endless moments. Their lips collided in a deep kiss.
Nora broke the kiss with a gasp when Luke’s hand slipped between her thighs. Her hips surged up to meet the gentle touch.
“Like this?” Luke asked, continuing with the light, slow strokes, barely brushing against Nora.
Dazed, Nora looked up into her face. Luke’s question held no trace of the smug teasing of some of her former sexual partners. Luke was asking for guidance. She struggled for breath. “Y-yeah. This is…Good God!” She moaned when Luke’s fingers began a circling motion. “…it’s nice.”
Luke leaned closer, pressing her lips against the thudding beat of the pulse at the base of her throat. The movement made her fingers dip into Nora.
A moan escaped Nora’s parted lips. She bucked against the gently invading fingers, clutching at Luke in wordless desperation.
“All right?” Luke tried to move back to study her face, but Nora held her close.
“Don’t stop!” Nora panted. She could already feel the pressure grow in the pit of her stomach.
Luke began to move her fingers, still torturously slow, exploring, discovering, in no hurry to drive Nora over the edge.
Nora roughly shook her head back and forth. She moved her hips faster, trying to get Luke to pick up the pace, but Luke was having none of it.
“Relax…enjoy.” The hot breath washed over Nora’s ear as Luke whispered to her. “We’re not in a hurry.” She withdrew her fingers, then slowly eased them back inside.
Nora met the movement with a moan. Her belly and her sensitive breasts rubbed against Luke. Heat shot through her. “Maybe I am,” she groaned. “Luke…”
“Hmmm?” Luke experimentally smoothed her thumb over the firm nub.
“Luke!” Nora threw her head back as another wave of heat shot through her.
Luke’s lips immediately took advantage. She nibbled on Nora’s throat, then began to suck at the sensitive spot just under one ear while her fingers continued their unwaveringly slow movements.
Nora squirmed and wrapped a leg around Luke, drawing her closer. “Please!” she gasped.
All movement stopped for a moment. Luke stared into Nora’s half-closed eyes. “Tell me what you want me to do.” There was still a hint of insecurity in her voice, even though Nora’s body insisted that Luke knew exactly what she was doing.
Nora stared up at her, for the first time helpless to voice her desires. She wasn’t even sure what she wanted. Luke’s slow, gentle touches were driving her crazy, but at the same time, she didn’t want it to end so soon. Slowly, she rolled around, careful not to lose the connection between their bodies, until she was leaning over Luke. She waited, unsure if Luke would be comfortable with being the one in the more submissive position. Being on top is the traditionally male position and if Luke… Her thoughts and worries died away when Luke began to move her fingers again.
Nora bit back another moan. Sitting astride Luke’s muscled hips, she began to rock against the gentle fingers.
Luke brought her free hand up, resting it in the small of her back to steady her and hold her even closer.
Nora leaned forward. She searched Luke’s lips with her own, moaning into her mouth. Her hips began to move faster, and this time, Luke willingly followed the pace that she was dictating.
Blood roared through her ears, and she could no longer understand the words Luke whispered to her.
Luke pulled her closer and sat up until Nora was sitting in her lap.
The rough fabric of Luke’s shirt rasped across her sensitive breasts. Nora gasped and rocked even faster. “Luke…,” she groaned when the ball of pleasure in her lower belly began to spread. She flung her head back.
Then Luke’s mouth was on her heaving breast, grazing the tip with gentle teeth.
Nora dug her fingers into Luke’s back to anchor herself as the tremors began deep inside her. With a cry, she collapsed, only Luke’s steadying hand keeping her from falling.
As if from some distance away, she felt Luke gently ease her down. “Nora,” she whispered, over and over, “Nora.” It sounded almost like a prayer. She kissed away the droplets of sweat that glittered on Nora’s chest and face. “Hey… Are you…all right?” Luke smoothed damp hair away from Nora’s face with the back of her fingers.
Nora could only nod. She lay there, dazedly pressing her flushed cheek against Luke’s still covered chest. She could hear the frantic thumping that matched the rhythm of her own heart. Lord, that was… She allowed herself a few moments to revel in those feelings, then strictly shook her head at herself. What are you, some love-sick teenager? So it was a lot more pleasant than being with a customer, but that’s hardly a surprise, is it?
Being with Luke had been exactly like she had thought it would be – a bit hesitant at first and very, very gentle with just the right amount of passion thrown in. Luke had been the gentle and considerate lover that she had expected her to be. What Nora couldn’t have predicted though was her own reaction.
It wasn’t only that Luke had managed to bring her to climax – although that had never been a given in the past. The realistic former prostitute in her knew that that were really only mechanics. What surprised her were the emotions that Luke’s touch had evoked in her. Gone was the clinical distance that she had felt with her customers. For the first time in years, she hadn’t been Fleur when she shared her body with someone. She had been Nora.
Luke gently kissed her cheek, almost as if she were unsure whether she was still allowed a more intimate kiss now that their act of physical loving was over. “Was I…was it enough?” she asked, her gaze never leaving Nora’s face.
Nora could practically feel the insecurity flowing from Luke in waves. She wasn’t sure what made Luke doubt her ability to please her in bed – her lack of male “equipment” or the fact that she had so much less sexual experience than Nora. “Enough?” she echoed, hardly stopping herself from rolling her eyes. “God, Luke, this was so much more than just adequate. Is it always like this with a woman?” she asked with honest curiosity. Most men she’d met believed that a woman existed solely to provide for their comfort, but Luke had concentrated only on her, Nora’s, pleasure.
Luke halted in her self-imposed task of raining kisses down on Nora’s face. For the first time in months, she was smiling and carefree. “Well, it’s not like I have vast experience with a lot of women… I’ve only ever been with Tess, and no, it was never like this between us.”
Sharing Tess’ bed had always been a guilty pleasure for Luke. She had enjoyed Tess’ talents, yes, but deep down, there had always remained that nagging belief that it was wrong and unnatural to have physical relations with another woman. Now, with Nora, Luke couldn’t believe that any longer. It felt honest, and wonderful, and very, very right.
* * *
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