DISCLAIMER: This story and all its characters belong to me. Any similarities to anyone living or dead are purely coincidental. Most of the places in this story actually exist or existed, though.
AUTHOR NOTES: English is not my native language, so please be patient with me.
This story is set on the Oregon Trail in 1851. Although I did a LOT of research and tried to make things as realistic as possible, there might be some mistakes. Please let me know if you spot any.
SUMMARY: “Luke” Hamilton has always been sure that she’d never marry. She accepted that she would spend her life alone when she chose to live her life disguised as a man.
After working in a brothel for three years, Nora Macauley has lost all illusions about love. She no longer hopes for a man who will sweep her off her feet and take her away to begin a new, respectable life.
But now they find themselves married and on the way to Oregon in a covered wagon, with two thousand miles ahead of them.
RATING: NC-17. This story depicts a loving/sexual relationship between two consenting adult women.
THANKS: A very big thank you goes to my beta reader Pam for her corrections
and valuable input. I couldn't have done this without you!
FEEDBACK: Feedback, comments and constructive criticism are welcome at
jae_s1978@yahoo.de
ARCHIVING: Only with the permission of the author.
Backwards to Oregon
By Jae
Part 7
Nora looked down at the sleeping baby in her arms. Every muscle in her body hurt, and she didn’t look forward to traveling in the wagon as soon as Jacob and Luke had finished the repairs. The bumping and jostling would be anything but pleasant, and she could only hope that the baby would sleep through that.
“What are you going to call her?” Bernice asked as she helped her slip back into her bodice after nursing the baby.
“Natalie… Nattie,” Nora answered with a smile. “We’ll name her for Nate, a friend of Luke’s who died in the Mexican War.”
At the mention of Luke, Bernice’s smile vanished. She hadn’t said a word to Luke or Jacob for the last few hours, nor had Jacob talked to her.
“I didn’t know…that Wayne is not Jacob’s son, I mean,” Nora said into the awkward silence.
Bernice sighed. “Nobody knew. No one but me and Jacob.”
“Not even Wayne?”
“No.” Bernice slowly shook her head. “We never thought it necessary to tell him. Jacob is his father in every way that counts.”
Nora looked down at the baby and thought about her own children. Would they some day tell them that Luke was not their father? Would they tell them who and what she really was? Would Luke even stay with them long enough for it to become an issue?
Nora had felt the pain and sadness that the unrequited declaration of love had caused Luke. It had hurt her, too, just to see the pain in Luke’s eyes before she quickly erected the protective walls around her that it had taken Nora months to slowly break down. But the second before that shield had come up had been enough for Nora to realize that Luke would take her rejection as a confirmation that no one would ever love her.
It’s not her, Nora thought regretfully. It’s me. I’m not able to love anymore. Affection, desire, yes, but not unconditional, all-consuming love. She had loved once, and it had nearly destroyed her life. She wouldn’t risk that again. She was no longer a naïve young girl; she was a grown woman with children who depended on her. She couldn’t afford to put her trust in something as transitory as love and act like a besotted fool again. Nora was determined that all her future decisions would be made with a level head, not with an infatuated heart.
She didn’t allow herself to think about the consequences that her decision would have for Luke. Forcing her thoughts in another direction, she asked about Bernice’s life instead. “How old was Wayne when you met Jacob?” She still couldn’t believe that Jacob was not Wayne’s father. The boy, almost a man by now, was so much like Jacob in everything but his physical appearance.
“He hadn’t even been born yet. Wayne’s father…the man who fathered him, we were engaged, but when I got pregnant, he couldn’t disappear fast enough,” Bernice told her bitterly.
Nora nodded in sympathy. It seemed that their experiences had been nearly identical.
“Jacob was our neighbor and an old friend of the family. He helped me through that time. When he asked me to marry him, I said yes without even having to think about it. It didn’t matter to me that I was not in love with him,” Bernice continued. “I had been in love with my betrothed and look where it got me. All I wanted after that was a friend and a father for my baby.”
Nora blinked. Is she really talking about herself? That could have been the story of my life. The parallels between their lives were almost eerie. “Then you lived with him, shared his bed, and raised children with him without loving him?” she asked quietly. It almost came as a relief to her, because it eased the guilt she felt towards Luke. Here was another woman – a woman she had always thought very highly of – who had lived a content life with her husband until now, without confessing her undying love for him.
“No,” Bernice said, shattering Nora’s relief. “That’s not what I said. I didn’t start out loving him when I agreed to marry him. But today, I can honestly say that I love him more than my foolish younger self ever loved that immature young man.”
“You’ve come to love him over the years, because he proved to be a good father and a reliable friend,” Nora said, almost to herself. These emotions were safe enough, and she could readily admit feeling the same for Luke. It was a tame, friendly kind of love that could easily be controlled.
But once again, Bernice shook her head. “He’s both, but my feelings for him are a little more than just that. He can make me laugh, blush, tear my hair in frustration, and forget about anything else in the world when he smiles at me. I love him from the bottom of my heart, and I know that my life would be over if I lost him,” she said, looking sadly at her husband who pointedly had his back to her while he worked.
That’s were the parallels between us end, Nora decided. I won’t tie my heart, my life, my very soul to one person ever again. The possibility of losing Luke was all too real, and she couldn’t afford to stop living if it should happen. Her children were her reason for living, not love. “Did you try to talk to him?” she asked, glad to direct her thoughts back to Bernice and Jacob.
“And just what do you suggest I say? The only explanation that he would accept is the truth and that would turn your life upside down.” Bernice looked her in the eyes. “Do you want me to do that?”
Nora averted her eyes. “No,” she admitted.
Bernice stood with a sigh. “They’re ready. Let’s get you and the little one settled in the wagon.”
* * *
Luke woke with a start. She lifted up on her elbow with a groan, listening into the darkness. Her muscles hurt from lowering the wagons down the Barlow Pass. They had been forced to zigzag down the steep slope, which had made it necessary to cross and re-cross the little stream called Zigzag River again and again until they had reached the Sandy River.
The roads were still bad, covered with mud holes after it had rained all through the night. Nora had endured the constant jostling without complaint, but Luke could see that she was hurting and exhausted.
A whining sound came from the wagon under which Luke had settled down for the night. The baby, Luke realized. That’s probably what woke me up. The low whining quickly became louder, turning into a nerve-racking cry.
Luke rolled out from under the wagon. She looked into the wagon, seeing a red-faced baby look back at her. The little girl continued to cry, but still Nora didn’t stir, dead to the world due to sheer exhaustion.
Luke stared at the baby, willing it to stop crying, but of course it didn’t. She had no idea what to do. Nora had always taken care of Nattie when she had cried before, and Luke had gladly relinquished any baby-related tasks to her, afraid that she would somehow hurt the baby in her inexperience.
But now it seemed she was on her own. She didn’t want to wake Nora, knowing she was exhausted from the exertions of giving birth and the loss of blood. She needed the rest. Luke reached over Nora and carefully lifted the baby into her arms.
The baby was silent for a second, then she cried even louder.
“Sssh, ssshh!” Luke quickly walked away from the wagon with its sleeping inhabitants. She cradled the baby protectively against her chest, shielding her from the cold wind. She listened to Nattie’s cries and studied her tiny face, trying to find out why she was crying.
Nora always seemed to know. She could easily discern the “I’m hungry” from the “I need my diaper changed” cry, but Luke found herself sadly lacking in that department. After two rounds around the outer perimeter of the camp, she still didn’t know why the baby was crying. Finally, she decided to check the baby’s diaper, because she couldn’t help with her “dinner” anyway.
She returned to the wagon and took one of the clean cloths that served as Nattie’s diapers. Carefully balancing the baby against her chest, she spread out her bedroll on the sparsely growing grass. Then, steadying Nattie’s head like Nora had told her, she laid the baby down on the bedroll.
The crying became even louder, and Nattie’s tiny limbs kicked out in protest of being moved away from her warm place against Luke’s chest.
Luke unwrapped the soft baby blanket. “Ugh! You definitely need your diaper changed, little one.” She pinched her nose for a second. “All right,” she muttered to herself, “you can do this.” She had watched Nora or Bernice change the baby’s diaper before, but it had always appeared so easy then. Taking a deep breath, Luke removed the soiled diaper. She wrinkled her nose and tied the ends of the old diaper into a neat ball.
The baby continued to cry. Her face had begun to turn red from all the crying, and Luke hurried to get her cleaned up and dressed again. Finally, she lifted up the clean cloth that would be Nattie’s new diaper. She struggled to get it under the baby until she remembered that Nora had lifted Nattie up a bit by the ankles.
Luke hesitated. She didn’t want to hurt the baby. Being responsible for something so small and vulnerable was scary. Come on, she told herself. Don’t be such a yellowbelly! You can’t let her lie around half-naked in this weather! She gently lifted the baby’s lower half and slid the cloth under her bottom. She secured the corners of the cloth, and then leaned back to admire her handiwork.
It didn’t look as neat as Nora’s, but it would certainly do. Luke allowed herself a relieved grin before she lifted the baby up again. “Hey, hey, why are you still crying?” She lowered her voice to a soothing level. “You’re all nice and clean now, aren’t you?”
On the third round around the camp, the baby finally stopped crying and nuzzled against Luke’s bound breasts.
Luke felt her cheeks grow hot. “Sorry, little one,” she murmured, embarrassed and amused in equal parts, “I’m not the parent with your built-in dinner.” Parent. Luke stopped and looked down at the tiny girl in her arms. The baby and the responsibility that came with it were still scaring her a little, but she had never been so sure that what she felt for Nora was really love than when she looked at Nora holding her youngest daughter.
She wanted to make a life with them, wanted to be there to see the girls grow up. In some moments, it already seemed so real and attainable that she could see the four of them sitting on the porch of the ranch she would build. But then there were the moments when she saw a man sitting in her place next to Nora; a man that Nora could love.
“Luke? Is that you?” Jacob called out from his place at the fire. He had volunteered to stand guard for the second night in a row, making it easier for him to avoid his wife.
“Yeah. Me and Nattie.” Luke sat in front of the fire, careful not to get too close to the flames with the precious bundle in her arms.
Jacob leaned forward to peer beneath the baby blanket at the now sleeping infant. There was so much emotion in his eyes that Luke just knew that he was thinking about Wayne at that age.
“Walking around seems to calm her,” she said, just to break the silence. “She must have gotten used to the constant walking Nora did while she was pregnant with her.”
“Of all my children, Wayne is the one who’s most like me in everything he does,” Jacob said, not reacting to Luke’s words at all. “How do you think that’s possible?”
“You’re his father,” Luke answered simply. “You taught him everything he knows.” Luke tugged the blanket a little closer around the sleeping infant. The thought that Amy and Nattie would some day be a little like her was wonderful and scary at the same time.
Jacob stared into the fire. The circle of light flickered over the dark shadows under his eyes.
He’s hurting, and so is Bernice. The guilt settled like lead in the pit of Luke’s stomach. They were both good people, and she didn’t want to see their marriage suffer just because of her. She had promised herself that she would leave before her secret could hurt Nora or the children, and now she felt that the same promise should hold true for the first friends she had made in years. Only this time, leaving wouldn’t resolve the situation.
She took a deep breath and opened her mouth, then closed it again. No. Not without talking to Nora first. This affects her and the children, too, and she has a right to be a part of the decision.
* * *
Nora’s hand reached out from under her blanket, feeling around for the baby. She quickly sat up when her hand found only an empty space where Nattie had been. She had thought she heard Nattie cry in her dreams, but now everything was quiet.
Maybe Bernice has taken her to allow me some sleep. Nora was grateful for it. She gingerly stretched her still hurting body and then checked on the sleeping Amy before she climbed out of the wagon. Still a little sleepy, she wandered over to the Garfields’ wagon and peered inside.
Bernice was tossing and turning in her sleep, and one of the children was coughing, but there was no sign of the baby. Nora was suddenly wide-awake. “Bernice,” she whispered urgently.
The older woman immediately opened her eyes. She hadn’t slept well since her argument with Jacob.
“Nattie was gone when I woke up. She—”
“Luke has her,” Bernice interrupted. “I saw her walk around camp with the baby for an hour before Nattie finally fell asleep. I think she even changed her diaper.”
“Oh.” Nora hadn’t expected that. Luke had been so nervous and awkward handling the baby before.
“She’s quite the little daddy,” Bernice commented sarcastically.
Nora felt her hackles rise. “Bernice,” she said, a quiet warning in her voice. “You’re a kind, warm-hearted woman. Why can’t you just let it go and accept Luke’s role in our lives? You say that Jacob is Wayne’s father, because he’s always been there for him, but—”
Bernice shook off her blanket and sat up. “He was!” she defended her husband. “He’s the best father that Wayne could wish for.”
“I don’t doubt that. I just don’t understand why you won’t accept that Luke can be a wonderful parent as well.”
“It’s not the same!” Bernice struggled to keep her voice down.
“No? Why not?”
“Because it’s unnatural! It’ll only bring you hurt and pain,” Bernice warned.
Nora sadly looked at her. “At the moment, you are the one hurting me,” she whispered. “You didn’t let nature dictate the relationship between Jacob and Wayne, why should it prevent me and my children from loving Luke?”
“You said you didn’t love her,” Bernice pointed out.
Nora closed her eyes. “I-I don’t. I…” She rubbed her temple. “I think I better go and rescue Luke. She must be a nervous wreck by now, all alone with the baby.” She fled from the wagon before Bernice could say anything. She hurried through camp, not allowing herself time to think.
She stopped abruptly at the sight that greeted her when she reached the fire at the edge of their camp. Luke sat next to a brooding Jacob, both of her arms safely wrapped around the bundled up form on her lap. A tiny hand was sticking out from under the baby’s blanket, its fingers curled around Luke’s larger one.
Nora smiled. Her daughter was sleeping peacefully, and Luke didn’t seem far off either. Her eyelids, as she gazed down at the baby, were beginning to droop. Quietly Nora walked up to them until she could feel the warmth of the fire.
Luke looked up when she caught the movement out of the corner of her eyes. She instinctively pulled the baby a little closer, protecting her with her own body. “Nora! Hey, are you all right?”
“Yeah.” She quickly blinked away the tears that had begun to gather in her eyes at the sight of Luke with the baby. “It’s just the smoke. Do you want me to take her?” She nodded down at the baby in Luke’s lap.
“No, she’s fine. She’s finally sleeping,” Luke said with a smile.
Jacob stood abruptly. “I’m going to turn in now. Can you take over guard duty, Luke? Brian will relieve you in half an hour.”
Luke nodded.
Nora watched him go, wondering if her presence was what had chased him away. She gingerly sat down next to Luke and nodded down at the baby. “I’m sorry I didn’t hear her. I must have slept like a log.”
“It’s all right. It was time that I started to take my turns with her anyway. My diapering skills definitely need practice,” Luke answered easily.
Nora studied the gray eyes, almost like a mirror in the firelight. To hear that Luke was willing to take care of the baby was a relief. She could only hope that it meant she hadn’t driven Luke away and that Luke was still willing to take on a more permanent role in the children’s lives. Slowly, she leaned closer and when Luke didn’t move away, she experimentally rested her cheek against Luke’s shoulder, relieved when Luke allowed the simple contact. She knew she had pushed Luke away, and she had been afraid that Luke would retaliate and not allow her close either. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.
“You already apologized,” Luke pointed out.
Nora shook her head. “Not for sleeping through Nattie’s crying. I’m sorry for hurting you.”
Luke shrugged. She didn’t look at Nora, but kept her gaze fixed on the baby. “You can’t force love if it isn’t there.”
Yeah. And you also can’t force it to go away if it is. Nora quickly shoved the thought away. You were not in love with Luke as a man, so you’re certainly not in love with her now that you know she’s a woman! “I just want you to know that it’s nothing you did…or didn’t do. You’re…very loveable.”
Luke snorted.
“You are!” Nora said with more force. “You’re wonderful just like you are, and you deserve someone in your life who can touch you and look at you with love.”
“I thought you did,” Luke whispered. “The night Nattie was born…when we made love…” She hesitated, maybe waiting for Nora to object to the word “love” in her sentence.
Nora didn’t. She sighed. “It’s not that I don’t care about you. Please, don’t think that. I do care. It’s just that I…I…” She pressed the ball of her thumb against one closed eye, forcing back the threatening tears. “I’ll understand if this is not enough for you, but…please…” Her voice failed her.
“Not enough?” Luke repeated. “Nora, this is more than I ever thought I would have. There was never any doubt in my mind that I would spend my life alone. Now I have a wife who accepts me and two beautiful little girls. What more could I want?”
Love, Nora’s mind supplied. Luke acted like she had accepted Nora’s rejection, but still a nagging feeling of dissatisfaction remained in Nora. She wasn’t even sure why she was so upset. Wasn’t this exactly what you wanted? For Luke to stay and be content with what we have rather than expecting blazing, reason-defying love from me?
“Listen,” Luke said when an awkward silence spread between them. “I’m about to make an important, life-changing decision. It will also affect you and the children, so I thought it only fair to ask your opinion before I do it.”
A coldness that had nothing to do with the temperature in the mountains crept into Nora’s bones. Now you did it, she thought with a sinking feeling, you drove her away with your pigheaded refusal to accept her love. She’s going to leave!
“I don’t like the situation between Jacob and Bernice. If something doesn’t happen soon, their marriage will fail, there will be more angry shouting and accusations, and it’s only a matter of time until Wayne will learn that Jacob is not his father. I won’t have that on my conscience,” Luke said.
“What are you going to do?” Nora asked with a sense of dread.
Luke bit her lip. “There’s only one thing I can do that’ll make any difference.”
Anger bubbled up in Nora. “Running away is no solution!”
“Leaving is not what I had in mind – although it will probably come down to it anyway.” Luke shifted the baby in her arms a little. “I think I have to tell Jacob why Bernice doesn’t want me in the baby’s life.”
Nora could only sit and stare at her. “But that would mean revealing your…identity!”
“Yes,” Luke said slowly. “That’s what it means.”
Their gazes met.
They both knew the consequences. Jacob would probably react with the same disapproval that his wife had, and soon every last member of the wagon train would know that their Captain was a woman living in disguise. They would feel betrayed, maybe even disgusted, and they would ask Luke to leave the train. Even if they didn’t, furtive hostilities would start. Some would begin to eye Luke with suspicion, others with pity as if she had contracted leprosy. Most would keep their distance from Luke and her family or even refuse to help them with the obstacles of their journey.
Nora sighed. “Well, I promised to go whereever you go. There has to be another nice place for a horse ranch outside of the Willamette Valley,” she tried to sound enthusiastic about it, but didn’t quite make it. After building friendships and a sense of community through long months of shared hardships, it would be hard to leave all that behind and begin anew once again.
Luke gently shifted the baby into the crook of one arm. She reached out her free hand and softly squeezed Nora’s fingers in a gesture of silent gratitude. “They’ll probably offer you to stay with them,” she told Nora.
Nora began to shake her head, but Luke held up her hand to stop her. “Hear me out first and think about it before you make a decision. I know you made friends on the train that you’d have to leave behind.”
“They’re not much of a friend if they hate you just for being who you are,” Nora pointed out. She would miss her friends, but not half as much as she would miss Luke if she left her behind.
“Then you think I should do it? Tell Jacob?” Luke asked.
“I don’t want you to,” Nora admitted, “but it’s the honorable thing to do.”
Luke squeezed her hand again. “Jacob would have probably found out anyway. It’s a wonder that Bernice kept the secret for as long as she did. I didn’t think she would.”
“She doesn’t understand, but she doesn’t want to destroy your life either.”
“And I don’t want to destroy hers,” Luke answered. She sighed. “Come on. Let’s go back to bed. Tomorrow will come soon enough.”
Still holding onto Luke’s hand, Nora stood and walked back to their wagon.
* * *
Luke gently prodded one of their milk cows with the end of her whip, making her catch up with the mixed herd of oxen, cows and mules that they were driving to a strip of prairie with more grass than right next to their camp.
Brian and Tom were herding their own lifestock nearby, but still far away enough not to be able to overhear them. Wayne and a few of the other boys had ridden ahead with the horses, giving Luke the ideal opportunity to talk to Jacob. She lengthened her stride to catch up with Jacob and grunted a greeting in true male pioneer style. Only then did she remember that with what she was about to tell Jacob, there was no sense in proving her manliness anymore.
Jacob looked up. “Ah, the elusive Captain Hamilton! I haven’t seen you all day.”
Luke bit her lip. She had spent the day in nervous rehearsals of what she would say to make Jacob understand. “Yeah, well, I stayed close to the wagon today. Nora is still not up to driving an exhausted ox team over miry ground and through a million mud holes.” It wasn’t a total lie. Devil’s Backbone, the three very steep, muddy hills that they had just passed over, was aptly named and difficult to travel.
“I hope everything’s all right with Nora and the baby?” Jacob asked with honest concern.
Luke couldn’t help but smile when she thought about the newest addition to their “family”, but then she strictly reminded herself that she was not here to gush about Nattie. “They’re fine. Listen, Jacob, can I talk to you?”
“I thought that’s what we were doing?”
“Yeah, but there’s something in particular that I want to talk to you about,” Luke answered.
Jacob turned to look at her. “And that would be…?” he prompted.
“Bernice.”
Jacob abruptly turned back around. “I don’t want to talk about her.”
“Then don’t talk, just listen. Jacob, you know that she’s a good woman. She didn’t mean to make you feel like you’re not Wayne’s father,” Luke said. Maybe she could talk some sense into Jacob without having to reveal her secret.
“How else am I supposed to feel when she tells you that you’re not allowed in the baby’s life because you didn’t father her?! Was it supposed to make me fell all ecstatic and warm about my status in Wayne’s life?!” Jacob snapped.
Luke sighed. He was making it impossible for her to take the easy way out. “What Bernice said to me…it has nothing to do with Wayne or you.”
“Ha!” Jacob snorted and flicked his whip at one of the mules. “Come on, can you honestly tell me that you can’t see the parallels?”
“Our situations, yours and mine, are not as similar as you might think,” Luke said.
Jacob said nothing, but his expression told her that he didn’t believe a word she said.
Luke breathed in, and then let out a shuddery breath. She could see that hinting at it wouldn’t be enough to convince Jacob. “The reason why Bernice wants me to stay away from the baby is not because I’m not her father. She truly does believe that the man who cares for and is there for a child should be considered his or her father.” She emphasized the word “man”, knowing that Jacob wouldn’t notice anyway.
“Right.” The mule earned another flick from Jacob’s whip.
Luke sighed. I better tell him before the poor animal doesn’t have any fur left! “Do you remember the day I was shot?”
Jacob gave her a half-smile. “How could I forget that? It was a great fight, and then your wife standing there like some avenging angel with the gun in her hands…”
“Then you also remember Bernice tending to my shoulder after I was shot?”
“Of course. She was in there for so long that we thought for sure you were a goner and she was having to comfort your inconsolable widow,” Jacob commented.
Luke suppressed a frown. How nice. Let’s hope he doesn’t stay in this macabre mood when I tell him or Nora will really become an inconsolable widow! “What kept her for so long wasn’t only treating the wound,” she explained. “She found something out about me that makes her believe it would be better if I stayed out of the baby’s life…”
“What reason could there possibly be for that? A child needs a father, and that doesn’t change just because Bernice doesn’t like some minor thing about you!” Jacob snarled.
“That’s just it; it’s not just a ‘minor thing’.” Luke clenched her fingers around the handle of her whip. Here it was, the moment of truth that she had avoided her entire adult life. She mentally prepared herself for every possible reaction; disbelief, anger, disgust, maybe Jacob would even try to use the whip on her. One last deep breath, and she slowly unclenched her jaw. “Bernice found out something very fundamental about me. Jacob, I’m…”
* * *
Nora stacked the tin plates back into the box attached to the back of the wagon. Her gaze wandered over the cooking utensils, tools and provisions, making sure that everything was tied down should they need to leave in a hurry. Is this really the right thing to do? she wondered. She looked at the baby in her arms and at Amy, who was sitting on the wagon seat, dangling her feet.
Leaving the wagon train now and continuing to travel on their own wasn’t really dangerous at this point of the journey. Tomorrow, they would reach Foster’s farm where they could stock up their provisions, and a day or two after they would be in Oregon City. There weren’t any obstacles that they couldn’t overcome on their own.
But still, having friends and helpful neighbors while they struggled to build a new home and survive the first winter would have been nice. She would have liked for the girls to grow up with the other children from the wagon train, and for her to have a female friend with whom she could share her daily troubles and successes.
You do have a female friend you can share all that with - Luke, she reminded herself. A small grin flitted across her face, and she shook her head. She couldn’t imagine Luke giving her advice on cooking and needlework. That had been another thing that had been on her mind lately. When they were forced to leave and start a new life where nobody knew them, would Luke keep up her disguise or decide to live as a woman? Somehow, she couldn’t imagine Luke wearing a skirt and riding side-saddle.
She sighed and double-checked if the tent poles were secured tightly to the side of the wagon.
“Nora?” Bernice’s voice came from behind her. “Is everything all right? You seem…I don’t know…restless today.”
Nora let go of the tent pole and turned around. For a moment, she considered telling Bernice that it was just because she was getting used to being the mother of a small baby again, but then she decided to tell the truth. At least it would give Bernice and her some time to prepare to say goodbye should it become necessary. “Luke is probably with Jacob right now,” she told her.
“Yeah, I know. They’re driving the cattle to a spot with more grass,” Bernice said. “But there’s no reason to worry; there’s nothing dangerous on the trail.”
“I’m not worried about the dangers on the trail. I worry because Luke wants to tell Jacob.”
Bernice frowned. “Tell him what?”
Nora shot her a pointed look.
“What?! You mean…?” Bernice lowered her voice. “She wants to tell him that she’s…?”
Nora nodded gravely.
“Why for goodness’ sake would she do that after the ridiculous lengths she went to to keep her identity a secret?” Bernice asked, a puzzled expression on her face.
Nora looked directly into the brown eyes. “She’s doing it for you. She doesn’t want your marriage to suffer just because of the way she chose to live her life.”
Bernice continued to stare at her. She seemed almost horrified.
“What’s the matter?” Nora asked her with a hint of bitterness. “Isn’t that exactly what you wanted? For Luke to be forced to leave?”
Bernice slowly shook her head. “I wanted her to leave you alone, not take you away from your friends! And I certainly didn’t want anything to happen to her.”
“Happen?” Nora echoed.
“Are you really that naïve, girl?” Bernice shook her head at her. “Just because you have that strange…fascination with Luke and what she is doesn’t mean that others will react that way, too. Do you really think the worst that could happen is that she’s asked to leave the wagon train? She could be killed!”
“Killed?!” Nora gasped. “Surely Jacob won’t—”
“Not Jacob. He’s too level-headed and gentle for that, but if Brian or one of the other hotheads get wind of it, there’s no telling what they might do,” Bernice warned.
Brian. Nora looked at the Stantons’ wagon, where Brian’s wife was putting away the last of their washed dishes. Brian was nowhere to be found. He went with Luke and Jacob, didn’t he? Panic raced along her spine. Her heartbeat hammered in her ears. “Bernice!” she gasped. “Take her! Please!” She gently placed the baby into Bernice’s arms and grabbed Luke’s rifle from behind the wagon seat.
“Nora!” Bernice called when Nora began to run.
She didn’t listen. She gathered up her skirts with one hand, while the other tightly held onto the rifle. She raced through camp, then panted up the hill, following the track of unshod hooves.
“Hannah, stay with Amy!” Bernice ordered her oldest daughter. She turned to hurry after Nora.
Nora didn’t wait for her. She stumbled up the muddy slope. Her arms flailed when she almost fell. She stopped, gasping for breath, and bent down with her hands pressed against trembling tighs. Luke! I have to get to Luke before it’s too late! her mind screamed, but her body, still weak from the exertions of giving birth, didn’t listen.
“Nora! What do you think you are doing?! You’re not up to running around like this, just two days after giving birth!” Bernice caught up with her. She grabbed Nora’s elbow to steady her.
“Please, please, help me, Bernice! I have to find Luke!” Nora looked at the older woman with wild, burning eyes.
Bernice soothingly rubbed her forearm. “Hey, hey, I didn’t mean to scare you so badly. The situation could escalate, yes, but I don’t think they’ll shoot her on the spot.”
She had barely finished her words when a gunshot shattered the silence.
Fear shot through Nora, making her nauseous. Never in her life had she been so afraid, not even when she’d been alone with her cruelest customers. “Oh, no! No, no, no! Not Luke!” She started to run again. Mud splattered her skirt, and branches scratched her skin. Nora didn’t even notice in her haste to get to Luke.
“Nora! Nora, slow down or you’re gonna hurt yourself!” Bernice called, hurrying after her.
“Hurt myself?!” Nora yelled back. “They hurt Luke! Maybe she’s already…” She stopped, unable to say the word out loud, afraid that it might become reality if she did. “God, it’s all my fault!”
Bernice caught up with her. “It’s not your fault. Luke is an adult; she made her own choices.”
Without slowing down, Nora threw her a heated glance. “Almost everything she did on this journey, she did for me! She’s telling Jacob because of you, because you’re my friend and she knows I don’t want to see you suffer!”
“Hey, don’t be angry with me; I didn’t cause this whole mess!” Bernice protested, puffing along.
“I’m not angry with you. I’m angry with myself. I was so scared and stupid, and now it might be too late…” She stumbled up the hill and stopped when she could see into the valley below.
A horse was splashing through the small creek, racing towards them at full gallop. Nora couldn’t identify the rider yet, but she saw the rifle in his hand and gripped her own even tighter. She had let herself believe that the people on the train were their friends and wouldn’t hurt them, but now she was determined to fight for her life if need be. For Luke’s life.
“It’s Wayne!” Bernice gasped next to her. “Oh, Lord, I hope Jacob didn’t get hurt.”
The rider had almost reached them now, and Nora could see that it was indeed Bernice’s oldest son. The horse slid to a stop in front of them, its flanks heaving.
Wayne tipped his hat back, and suddenly, Nora could see the blood on his hand. She lifted the rifle; the barrel shaking with her fear and anger as she aimed it at the young man. “What have you done to Luke?!”
Wayne’s eyes widened as he looked into the barrel. He began to raise his own weapon in reaction.
“Wayne, no!” Bernice stepped between them and put a hand on Wayne’s rifle. “Where’s your father?”
“Back there,” Wayne mumbled and pointed in the direction he had come from.
Nora rushed past him, Bernice hot on her heels.
* * *
“Jacob, I’m…” Luke nervously cleared her throat. “What Bernice found out about me is that I—”
“That he’s been in prison,” a voice behind her interrupted.
Jacob and Luke whirled around. “What?!” they said at the same time, both of them surprised but for very different reasons.
“What’s the meaning of all this?” Jacob demanded to know.
Yeah, I’d like to know that, too. Luke stared at the two breathless women. Her gaze landed on Nora who was standing next to Bernice with a tight grip on her rifle. Silent tears were running down her flushed face, and Luke had to force herself not to go to her and pull her close.
“When I helped treat the wound, I saw the mark of a convicted criminal that was tattooed into his skin,” Bernice told her husband. “He’s been in prison because he was involved in a bank raid when he was younger.”
Jacob turned towards Luke, gazing at her with blazing eyes. “Is that true?”
Luke hesitated, but she knew there was only one answer that wouldn’t turn her life upside down. What a strange world where being a criminal is better than being a woman! She sighed. “Yes.”
“Why didn’t you just tell me?” Jacob turned back towards his wife.
“I didn’t want to destroy the lives that Luke and Nora have built for themselves. And because of Wayne,” Bernice simply told him.
Jacob gave a nod of understanding, but Luke and Nora stared at them in confusion. How was the Garfields’ son involved in this?
“Jacob’s little brother, Wayne, was killed when he was just eleven. The stray bullet from a bank robber hit him in the back,” Bernice explained. “We named our son after him.”
“Then why did you tell me now?” Jacob grumbled.
Bernice hesitated, trying to find an answer that would sound convincing.
“Because I just told her that Luke didn’t shoot or threaten anyone,” Nora quickly stepped into the breach. “He didn’t even have a gun; he was just a boy who agreed to stay with the horses and hold the reins for the older men.”
Slowly, Jacob turned towards Luke. “You did time in prison?”
“Yeah.” As far as Luke was concerned, it wasn’t really a lie. Her whole life had been a prison, locked in by people’s refusal to accept her like she was and let her live her life the way she wanted to. Only Nora’s presence in her life had freed her from that prison and made her start living instead of just silently existing, afraid to form close bonds and be found out.
Jacob gave a short nod. “All right, then you already paid for what you did and it’s not my place to judge you anymore.” He stepped close to Bernice and looked deeply into her eyes. “Next time, just tell me. And now come on, our son just shot a deer. We’re gonna have a feast tonight.”
“Just a moment. There’s something I have to say before we go,” Bernice said to her husband, but her gaze was fixed on Luke. “I still don’t understand you and the choices you made in your life, and I don’t think I ever fully will, but I have to admit that you’re the most decent person that I’ve ever met. You were willing to risk your life for my happiness, and I won’t forget that.”
Before Luke could think of an answer, Bernice stepped closer and handed her the baby, silently signaling that she approved of her being a part of the children’s lives. Then she took her husband’s hand and started back to the camp.
Luke watched them walk away, then turned to Nora with a frown. “What the he—” She stopped herself with a look at the baby. “What happened? Why are you running around with my rifle?”
The flush was leaving Nora’s face, and Luke could see that she was deathly pale. “We heard a shot and thought…” She closed her eyes, and a new tear dropped from her lowered lashes. “I thought they had shot you.”
Luke had known from the start that being killed was a possible consequence of revealing her true identity, while Nora seemed to have really grasped that only now. “Hey, hey, don’t cry.” It was always difficult for Luke to see Nora cry, and it was unbearable to know that she was the cause of these tears. She shifted the baby to her right arm and gently wrapped her left one around Nora, pulling her against the soothing warmth of her body.
“I almost lost you.” Nora sniffled and leaned against Luke’s side. “I have every right to cry.”
“Yeah, but everything’s fine now. We don’t even have to leave the train, and the Garfields made up, too.” Luke gently rubbed the trembling back in her attempt to comfort Nora.
“Just one second later and everything could have been very different,” Nora reminded. “I didn’t fully realize how dangerous the situation could become until Bernice reminded me what a hothead Brian is. When I heard that shot echo through the valley…”
Luke rubbed soothing circles on the small of her back, the baby held cozy in the cocoon between their bodies. “It was just Wayne, killing our dinner,” she tried to calm Nora.
“But I didn’t know that!” Nora sounded desperate, as if she was trying to make Luke understand something.
“It was a scary moment,” Luke finally admitted. “Thank God that Bernice saved the day. I really didn’t expect her to help me out of that situation.” She realized that she had to learn to trust other people beside Nora in her life. She didn’t plan on revealing her secret to anyone who came along, but Bernice had proved again and again that she could be trusted. She looked at Nora who was still very pale. “Would you have really shot at Jacob?”
Nora grew even paler. “If he had hurt you…yes.”
Luke didn’t know what to say. The fire in the green eyes made her body temperature rise. She was worried, confused, moved and a little bit aroused, all at the same time. Finally, she jolted herself out of her thoughts and into action. “Come on, let’s go back and set up the tent. We have to get a good night’s sleep to keep up our strength.” Luke knew that reaching Oregon City would only be the beginning of another adventure.
* * *
Nora wandered through the vegetable garden and the orchards. She stopped in front of the comfortable log house and imagined the sweet smell of the lilac bush that would bloom in the front yard come spring. After two thousand miles through barren country, over steep hills and through raging rivers, this place seemed like the Garden of Eden to her.
Mary Charlotte Foster, a woman of about forty, proudly walked next to Nora, pointing out the two-story store and the green pastures where their livestock was already grazing. “Next year, as soon as spring comes, we’re building a school,” Mrs. Foster told them. “It was high time the government finally gave Philip permission, as we have twenty-eight children living around here.”
Nora looked at the children that were running through the orchard with the children from the wagon train. She knew that eight of them were the Fosters’. Eight, she mentally repeated, knowing that she would never have that big a family. Even if they stayed together, there would be no sons to take over Luke’s horse ranch.
At her sigh, Luke looked up from whatever Mrs. Foster had pointed out right now. “There’ll come a time when they need a school at whatever place we’ll end up in, too. And they’ll need a competent teacher.” She gave Nora a pointed look.
It took a few seconds for Nora to understand. “You…you mean…me?”
“Sure. You had the patience of a saint with me – and you needed it. Teaching a room full of small children should be easy in comparison,” Luke said with a grin.
Nora smiled wistfully. Teaching would be a dream come true, but she wasn’t holding her breath, knowing that there would be so much work on the ranch that she had no time for anything else. “There’ll be no time. You’ll need me on the ranch.”
“We’ll make the time,” Luke gently objected. “The ranch will have to do without your loving care for a few hours each day.”
Nora allowed her smile to grow. Here she was, thinking gloomy thoughts of how she would never be able to give Luke a son, an heir, while Luke concentrated only on the positive things in their future. Who knows…knowing Luke, one of my daughters might one day be the first woman to own a horse ranch!
“We still have a cabin left to rent,” Mrs. Foster offered. She pointed at the baby in Nora’s arms. “I’m sure with the newborn and the falling temperatures at night, your wife would be glad to sleep under a roof again.”
Luke nodded.
“That’s not necessary,” Nora said quickly. “I’ll manage to sleep outside for a few more nights.” The Fosters’ farm might look like a paradise, but everything came at a price.
But Luke was shaking her head. “It’ll be better for Nattie to sleep inside. And the campsites are getting really crowded with two other wagon trains pulling in. We’ll take the cabin.” She counted the dollars into Mrs. Foster’s hand.
* * *
Nora rolled around to lie on her back. She opened her eyes and stared up at the small room’s ceiling. She had been tossing and turning for the last two hours. How ironic, she thought, I’ve wished to sink into the soft feathers of a real bed for months, and now that I have one, I can’t sleep!
They had reached the capital of Oregon this afternoon, and Luke had rented a room for them again.
Nora was exhausted, not only from all the traveling they had done during the last five months, but also from taking in all the things to see in Oregon City. It was a long, narrow town, right where the Willamette River rumbled through a rocky canyon. There was a church, and a newspaper office, a hatter, a silversmith, a cabinet maker’s shop, two saloons and a few tailors. Beyond the town, on the Willamette, boats headed towards the Columbia River, and the Willamette Falls supplied power to lumber and flour mills.
It was a growing town with a bright future, and most of their fellow travelers decided to settle down in or around Oregon City.
Nora had known for some time that Luke wouldn’t be one of those people. Life in town was not for Luke. The dangers of being a part of a close-knit community were just too high – people were nosing into each other’s business and Luke would always be in danger of being found out.
So it hadn’t come as a surprise to Nora, when Luke had emerged from the Government Land Office with a document that announced “Lucas Hamilton” as the new owner of 160 acres of land at a place called Baker Prairie – according to Luke a beautiful green valley, bordered by rivers and surrounded by gentle hills and gorgeous mountains, just seven miles southwest of Oregon City.
Careful not to wake up the other inhabitants of the small room, she sat up and looked around. Next to her, on a small table, were the documents that held their future. Nora could make out her name on one of the pages. Luke had filed a claim for another 160 acres in her name. Never in her life had Nora ever had a place to call her own. Now she would own half of a ranch.
Still a bit overwhelmed, she looked away from the table and the documents. The baby was slumbering peacefully in the crib that Luke had built for her. Nora reached out a hand and gently touched the squirrel that Luke had lovingly carved into the wood. Her finger trailed along the bushy tail and touched the point of an ear.
Then her gaze wandered over to Amy’s bed. She frowned when she found the bed empty and the blanket abandoned. Before panic could break out, she found Amy on the small cot next to Luke. The small fingers were clutching Luke’s shirt like she had often clutched Rosie, her doll that had ended up in the Wakarusa River what seemed like an eternity ago.
Nora blinked away a few tears, moved by the bond that had developed between Luke and Amy. They had even grown closer since Nattie’s birth. The baby needed so much of her time and attention that she would have felt really guilty if Luke hadn’t wordlessly stepped in. Now Luke was the one who read Amy her bedtime story while Nora nursed the baby, and she often took her with her when she scouted ahead on Measles.
Nora moved closer. Her eyes, used to the darkness by now, began to study Luke’s face. Suddenly, her fingers ached to caress the tiny bump on the bridge of Luke’s nose and her lips wanted to kiss away the lines of exhaustion on the familiar face.
Stop this nonsense! she ordered herself. Go back to bed and sleep! But this time, Nora couldn’t bring herself to listen to the voice of reason. She stayed sitting on the edge of her bed, staring at Luke.
Tomorrow, their new lives would begin. A life at the side of this woman, if I want it. She had decided long ago that she did want it, because she knew that Luke would make sure that she and her children would always have a roof over their heads and food on the table. Then, a few weeks ago, she had admitted that these materialistic considerations weren’t the only reason why she wanted to stay with Luke; it was also because she liked Luke.
Like? Another, softer voice in her head repeated. You don’t get into a panic because someone you like is in danger. She thought back to the scary minutes at Devil’s Backbone, when she had thought the men might have killed Luke. She hadn’t worried because that would have meant losing her protector and provider for her children.
Can I really let myself think like this again? Feel like this? she wondered. Wouldn’t it be safer in the long run, if I got up right now and left? The need to protect her vulnerable heart was overwhelming. After being abandoned by Rafe Jamison, the supposed love of her life, she had learned to erect walls around her heart to survive. And after working as a prostitute, hiding what she truly felt had become second nature, even hiding it from herself.
Slowly, Nora got up.
* * *
“Luke?”
Luke knew that voice. Its owner had visited her dreams quite often, so she just smiled and slept on.
“Luke?” the voice came again, a little louder.
“Huh?” Luke worked to open sleep-heavy eyelids. “’s it the baby?”
The cot under her dipped a little when Nora sat down on its edge. She could feel fingers in her hair, but wasn’t certain if this was reality or a part of a dream. “No, the baby’s still sleeping,” Nora whispered.
Luke shook her head, trying to get rid of the fog of sleep in her mind. Rubbing the sleep from her eyes, she looked around. Sometimes during the night, Amy had bedded down next to her, and Nora was sitting on the edge of the cot, looking down at her. “What is it about this cot that’s so attractive to you Macauley women?” Luke asked, forcing a smile. She didn’t like the serious expression on Nora’s face and what it might mean.
“It’s not the cot,” Nora said. She stopped and stared down at her hands. “Luke, listen…I’ve got something to tell you. I’ve come to a decision.”
Suddenly, Luke was glad that she was already lying down. Every muscle in her body suddenly lost its strength. She shivered as coldness gripped her heart. We’re in Oregon City. The journey is over. She doesn’t need me anymore. She wants to stay in town and marry the schoolmaster or something. She clenched her jaw, determined not to yell or cry when the hurtful words were spoken.
“I love you,” Nora said.
God, you’re already hallucinating from holding your breath! Luke blinked. “What?”
“I love you.”
“Just like that?” Luke stared at her in surprise and with a bit of irritation. A part of her just wanted to accept Nora’s declaration of love at face value, but an even bigger part remained skeptical. “You decided to love me? Nora, love is not something you can just decide on. It’s not here,” she pointed at her head, “it’s here.” She laid a palm over her heart.
Nora laid a hand over Luke’s, both of their fingers now covering her pounding heart. “I didn’t decide to love you, that happened months ago without conscious thought. But after almost losing you, I decided to take the risk and let myself love you. I always thought that it would hurt less to lose you, if I made myself believe that I didn’t love you. But the second I heard that shot, I knew I was lying to myself.”
Luke couldn’t stop staring. “W-why tell me now? That incident was three days ago.”
“I had managed to bury it deep down again. But tomorrow is the beginning of a new life for us, and I don’t want to start it with a lie – to myself or to you.” Nora swallowed and said louder, “I love you, Luke.”
Luke closed her eyes, then opened them again. Nora was still sitting there. This was really happening. To me. This is happening to me! Luke had always been so sure that she would never truly been loved, but the warm glow in Nora’s eyes told her that the unbelievable had happened. “I don’t know what to say,” she mumbled, her mouth dry.
“An ‘I love you, too’ would have been nice,” Nora whispered.
Luke reached over Amy’s body, grabbed Nora’s nightdress and pulled her down, kissing her with urgent passion. When they broke apart after long minutes, she said with a breathless laugh, “I do.”
* * *
Laughter and the thumping of booted feet on the porch made Nora look up from the letter in her lap. She watched as Luke strode towards her with Amy riding on her shoulders, both of them covered in dust, hay and horse lather.
“Papa! Papa!” Nattie stood from her place, playing at Nora’s feet, and raced towards Luke as fast as her short legs would allow. “Nattie ride horsie too!”
Luke lifted a laughing Amy down from her shoulders, the five year old almost too big for being carried around like that anyway, and swung the smaller, dark-haired girl up into her arms. “Maybe next year, little one.” She carried her over to Nora.
“Howdy, cowboy,” Nora drawled, putting every ounce of seduction that Tess had once taught her into her voice. She loved the effect that voice had on Luke every time she used it.
Luke put their youngest daughter down and stalked closer. “We don’t raise cows,” she said playfully, pointing at the small herd of Appaloosa horses prancing around in the corral, “and,” she added and bent down to whisper in Nora’s ear, “I’m not a boy.”
Nora laughed and kissed her on the lips. It was nice to see how comfortable Luke had gotten with that fact over the last two years. Everyone else still assumed Luke to be male – and they hopefully always would – but in the privacy of their bedroom…Nora grinned. Later, she silently promised herself.
The grin on Luke’s face told her that her message had been received. “Letter from Tess?” Luke asked and bent down to take a look at the piece of paper in Nora’s lap.
Nora used the opportunity to smooth her fingers over the mussed black hair. “No. It’s a wedding invitation. Wayne Garfield wants us to come over and watch him tie the knot next month.”
“Wuuhu!” Luke whistled. “They’re getting married already? That boy works fast!”
“Six months is not that fast. You asked me to marry you three days after we first met,” Nora reminded her with a grin.
Luke’s gray eyes crinkled at the corners as she smiled down at Nora. “Yeah, after you tried to seduce me the first time we met.”
“I suppose we did things a little backwards,” Nora admitted. They had been strangers when they married, then had slowly become friends and finally, they had fallen in love with each other.
“Yeah,” Luke said, bending down to kiss her again, “but I like were we ended up at the end of our journey anyway.”
The End.
and to all those readers who already took the time to write me a feedback mail.
Thanks.
Jae.