DISCLAIMER: All characters from X: WP are the property of Renaissance Pictures and Universal. No copyright infringement is intended by this work. Also, special thanks to all the bards who came before and essentially created this genre. Please send all comments and constructive criticism to bard.of.thorn@gmail.com
“Objection!” Eucles screamed with fury. “This witness’s testimony cannot be trusted! He even admitted that he was a liar.”
Autolycus flashed his million drachma smile, “Well, if I said that I’m a liar, doesn’t that mean I tell the truth?” The crowd murmured in puzzled agreement as Eucles clenched his fists in rage.
“Your Honor!” he continued. “Do you honestly expect the citizens of Amphipolis to believe his story?”
“What?” Autolycus asked. “I’m telling you, I was just trying to help a little old lady cross the street.”
“You were trying to rob a helpless traveler.”
“It was a legitimate business transaction,” Autolycus shrugged.
The crowd erupted in chaos. Eucles’s oaths and curses were lost in the background noise.
“Order! Order!” the magistrate cried. He cringed inwardly. Things seemed so straightforward this morning. Then, Eucles arrived in the city and insisted on leading the prosecution against the thief. The trial of Autolycus began at midday and would probably continue until dusk unless drastic measures were taken.
The magistrate turned to the city guards, “The witness’s testimony has been recorded. Please remove him from the stand.”
“Aw, come on!” Autolycus protested as the men replaced his manacles and dragged him away. “I was just warming up!”
“Thank you, ladies and gentleman,” he saluted. “Try the veal. I’ll be here next Tuesday.”
“Not if I can help it,” Eucles said under his breath.
After the crowd was quieted, Lyceus was called to the stand to testify. Eucles grilled him thoroughly about the incident.
“Where were you when the assault occurred?”
“My sister and I were walking back from the marketplace,” Lyceus answered. “I saw him,” Lyceus pointed to Autolycus, “attack an old beggar and tried to stop him.”
“I see.” Eucles said. “Did you thwart his efforts?”
“Well, yeah, I took a swing at him and knocked him to the ground,” Lyceus said triumphantly.
“Impressive,” Eucles commended. “We could use more men like you in the army.” Lyceus swelled with pride.
“So you singlehandedly defended your sister and the supposed old beggar from that piece of filth?”
“Um…well, there’s more,” Lyceus conceded. “He got back up and took out a large dagger,” Lyceus said as he pointed to the evidence table, “Yeah, that one on the table. Luckily Xena caught his blow, so no harm was done.”
A clear voice rose from the spectators. “Young man, do you mean to tell us that your sister fought to subdue this criminal?” The crowd parted to reveal the speaker, an older woman of aristocratic bearing wearing a tailored crimson cloak.
“Lady Thanasima?” Lyceus gulped. “Er…” he stuttered looking at the magistrate and Eucles.
“You’re under oath, son,” the magistrate reminded him.
“Well…yeah,” Lyceus conceded, “Xena fought him off with her sickle when he pulled out the dagger.”
“I see,” Thanasima said disapprovingly.
Oh, great, Lyceus winced as he saw his sister glowering at him from the front row. He just gave Xena’s future mother-in law yet another reason to find fault. Thanasima was the descendant of one of the exiled Athenian oligarchs, and most days she acted as if democracy were only a fairytale. Her late husband, Emporos, was a titan of the shipping industry. His fleet transported spices and dyes across the entire Aegean in exchange for vats of oil and wine. With that kind of combination of wealth and prestige, it was no wonder that no one was good enough for her son, Maphius.
Poor Xena, Lyceus thought. His sister’s more colorful personality traits certainly did her no favors with her future in-law. Then again, even the average high society girl would have trouble meeting Thanasima’s expectations.
Meanwhile, the magistrate’s expectations for the trial had plummeted as time progressed. “Enough,” he cried. “I’ve heard enough! Throw the thief in the city jail. I find him guilty of theft and assault.”
“But we haven’t questioned all of the eyewitnesses!” Eucles objected.
“Yeah, what he said!” Autolycus seconded as the guards started dragging him away.
“We already have their statements,” the magistrate said, dismissing them. “At this rate, we’ll be here until snakes grow legs. The thief Autolycus is sentenced to be executed for his crimes. Case closed!”
After the trial, Thanasima walked over to converse with Cyrene. Both widows were forced to take over their husbands’ respective businesses and thus shared a mutual respect for one another, despite the social divide. Unfortunately for Xena, this regard did not extend to the entire family.
“Snakes with legs, huh?” she said under her breath. “Maybe the magistrate was onto something.”
“Xena!” Lyceus whispered nervously.
A clean shaven youth with dark brown hair and sparkling green eyes also stepped forward. “Are you all right, darling?” he asked frantically as he hugged her protectively. “Did he hurt you? I’ll send the best mercenaries in Athens to kill him myself.”
Xena shrugged off his concern. “Maphius, get off me! I’m fine.”
Maphius ignored her protests. “Oh, you’re so considerate, not wanting to worry me. Still, your safety is all that matters, my love. We’ll have to adjust our plans accordingly,” he resolved.
“Yes,” Thanasima murmured, “we won’t have to hire as much security for the wedding banquet.”
Maphius continued chatting happily. “I found the perfect place for our home at the edge of the estate. It used to be the summer quarters for the servants, but I’m sure that it will be wonderful with a little work.”
“Your 250 drachma dowry will be put to good use,” Thanasima remarked.
“Two-fifty?” Xena asked. “But I thought it was..mmpf.” Cyrene covered her daughter’s mouth.
“Yes,” Cyrene agreed. “I’m sure it will be lovely.”
Fortunately, General Eucles decided to use the awkward pause to greet his old friend.
“Lady Thanasima,” he bowed formally. “You’re as beautiful as ever.” Eucles grinned. “You look just like you did when Emporos showed you off at the Lenaia.”
“Oh, that was so long ago,” Thanasima said demurely.
“It’s the truth. I always told your husband that he was the lucky one.” Eucles sighed slightly. “But what do I know?”
Thanasima smiled wistfully. “Ah Eucles, it’s so good to see you. I’m glad that you could be here to help guide Maphius. Emporos would have wanted it that way.”
A contingent of soldiers approached the general and saluted. An army captain stepped forward and spoke. “Strategos, I have orders to escort you to the official briefing by General Thucydides.”
“Please excuse me. Duty calls,” Eucles said as he followed the soldiers towards the barracks.
“You must join us for the engagement dinner tonight,” Thanasima yelled as he retreated from sight.
“I wouldn’t miss it for the world,” Eucles called back to them.
Well, that makes one of us, Xena thought woefully.
************************************************************************
“They gave us all of her belongings,” Xena said as she emptied a large leather satchel onto one of the oak tables back at the tavern. She pulled the jeweled dagger out of the side pouch.
“What are you doing with that?” Lyceus asked as he put back the bronze breastplate.
“It’s wedding gift for dearest Maphius,” Xena mocked.
“I doubt he would want stolen property on his wedding day,” Lyceus said
“I wonder if it’s still stealing if I took it from a thief,” Xena mused as she tested the sharpness of the blade.
“Xena, that’s even worse,” Lyceus objected, “it’s like double stealing!”
Xena disregarded his objection. “You worry too much, little brother.”
“You don’t worry enough,” Lyceus countered.
Xena placed the dagger back in the satchel and carried everything with her upstairs. She knocked at the guest bedroom door.
“Come in.” Xena entered the room and saw her older brother Toris sitting in the corner, polishing a pair of riding boots. His charge, the fallen warrior who rescued Xena from Autolycus, was tossing and turning in the bed.
“How is she?” Xena asked as she felt the ill woman’s forehead.
“Same as when you left,” Toris said plainly. “The fever didn’t come back, but she still looks like ‘the dog’s breakfast’ according to Iatros. He stopped by about an hour ago.”
“Thank you for staying with her,” Xena said as she pulled up the covers that the blonde woman had kicked away. “I know you wanted to be there for the trial.”
“That’s okay,” Toris said as he nodded. “Did they get the guy?”
“He’ll hang by the end of the year,” Xena assented. “If Eucles gets his way, maybe the end of the week.”
Toris grunted in acknowledgement. “Serves him right.” He put down the polishing cloth and examined one of the boots. “I’m surprised they didn’t change their minds and throw you in jail instead,” he teased Xena.
Even though she was the undisputed black sheep of the family, in reality, none of Cyrene’s children had white wool. Toris shared Xena’s dark hair and blue eyes, and his personality was equally distinct. Toris was the quiet one of the family: a man of few words and simple needs. He was happiest working on the farm he bought a few miles from the city, and he loved spending time training and racing his horses.
“There,” Toris said as he stopped cleaning his boots. “All finished. Those tracks get dusty, you know.” He was in town preparing for the chariot race during the festival of Poseidon. The winner would have the honor of representing Amphipolis at the Isthmian games.
“Well, you can watch her now,” Toris said. “I need to clean up the rest of me for tonight’s dinner.” Toris exited the room, leaving alone Xena to sit with Gabrielle.
Xena stared quietly at the unconscious woman. She was thrashing about the mattress, probably fighting battles in her sleep. Her blonde shaggy hair was matted from the cool compresses that they gave her to break the fever.
“Good for you, stranger,” Xena said, “It looks like you’re out of the woods.” She peeled back the blankets and saw the dried blood on the warrior’s wound dressings. Yes, they looked like they needed to be changed. Xena left the room to get new bandages. As she searched for fresh cloth, Xena couldn’t help but envy the woman. After all, she would have given quite a bit to be unconscious tonight.
************************************************************************
The sun had already set by the time Thanasima’s carriage arrived to transport her future daughter-in-law to dinner. Or prevent her from escaping. For Xena, either option seemed plausible.
“Gracious guests, her ladyship entreats you to join her this evening for a most significant occasion,” the driver said as he bowed and cautiously eyed Xena.
“Thank you,” Cyrene acknowledged. “We look forward to this joyful event.” Cyrene noticed Xena rolling her eyes and jabbed her in the stomach.
“Oof! Yes, looking forward to it…” Xena squeaked.
After both women entered the coach, the footman locked the doors from the outside.
Xena looked at him incredulously.
“Oh, her ladyship ordered such a precaution,” the footman answered, “in case we should be attacked by robbers.”
Xena grimaced, and Toris and Lyceus started laughing as they mounted their horses.
Cyrene shrugged. “Why not? It might save me from paying another 50 drachma.”
Everyone settled in, and the carriage started on its way towards Thanasima’s villa. Both brothers followed the coach on horseback to further reduce any chance of a “premature departure.”
Not that it would be easy in this outfit anyway, Xena thought bitterly. She swatted back her curled ringlets and veil in annoyance and looked out the widow. Her lovely pink chiton reached below her ankles and was bound tightly with a silver girdle. Xena could hardly breathe, let alone make a break for it! Those metal encrusted platform sandals didn’t help either.
The carriage wheels clattered on the cobblestone streets as it neared the upscale part of the city. Views of merchant stalls and clay brick buildings started to transform into marble columns and landscapes of olive trees. Xena was struck by how different everything was from her previous engagement dinner.
It was only last year that her mother had prepared her finest meal at the tavern and invited half the neighborhood for the celebration. Xena was sitting in the place of honor next to Petracles and basking in the glow of young love. But only one month later, her beloved beau left the city (and her) to pursue a career in capitalistic warfare. That slimy bastard! She still remembered the sickening grin on his face as recounted how he duped a commander out of his entire army and, therefore, was going to ride off and dump her. Selfish prick! Xena was so mad that she threw her engagement bracelet in the fire, only to pitifully fish it out of the dead embers when true heartbreak set in.
That’s one good thing about this mess, Xena thought. If Maphius doesn’t behave himself, then I can easily kick his conjugally wedded ass. She sighed quietly as she stared out at the dimly lit streets. Her gilded cage waited beyond the horizon.
Cyrene raised her eyebrows slightly at the noise and then narrowed them as a warning. She could probably guess her daughter’s solemn thoughts, and they had no place at tonight’s dinner. The events of the previous engagement ceremony loomed on Cyrene’s mind as well.
Cyrene understood that Xena wasn’t like the rest of the girls in town. An average young woman from Amphipolis didn’t hang around gymnasiums, battle outlaws using farm equipment, or get dragged in front of magistrates. And she certainly didn’t say no to Prince Charming when he tried to sweep her off her feet. But that was typical Xena.
Her daughter was a free-spirit who went wherever her pride insisted or her heart commanded. She still remembered the time that a five year old Xena spent the entire night dangling upside down from the hayloft to win a bet with Toris’s friends. Cyrene almost had a heart attack when she went to check on the horses at dawn and found her inverted daughter somersaulting to the ground to proclaim victory. Xena always played to win and fought against convention and common sense to have her own way. The girl took after her father in that respect, Cyrene noted with chagrin. But, Xena simply needed to accept the fact that her impending marriage provided the best possible future.
True, the situation was nothing like her previous attempt at matrimony. Cyrene silently blamed herself for even agreeing to that marriage. Then again, what else could she have done? Her daughter was besotted with that scoundrel Petracles, and who was Cyrene to say no? They were a pair of half-mad rapscallions who were perfectly suited for each other. Whether it was horse racing at midnight, archery behind the tavern, or even baiting the city guards, those two were always trying to top each other’s outrageous behavior while having a glorious time together. All this made it even less surprising that such a match could unravel. Cyrene never found out the details of what happened. All she knew was that when Petracles rode out of Amphipolis, he left behind a fuming ex-fiancée with an uncertain future.
The broken engagement was the most damning spot on her daughter’s reputation, but it was far from the only one. Xena had gotten herself into so many scrapes and scandals over the years, Cyrene wondered if a decent suitor from a good family would even consider marrying her daughter. Then, as if her prayers were answered, the genteel Maphius, heir to one of the largest trading fleets in the Athenian colonies, asked for Xena’s hand in holy matrimony. Such a nice young man! Nothing like the warrior trash with whom her daughter usually hung around.
Now if only Xena would settle down, Cyrene thought, my work would be finished. Toris was perfectly suited to his life on the farm, and it was only a matter of time before he found himself a wife. Cyrene was already grooming Lyceus to take over the tavern. And Xena would have a nice husband who would provide for her every need and keep her out of trouble. It was almost too good to be true.
Cyrene stroked the outside of Xena’s dowry chest as she held it tightly on her lap. It was high time that her high spirited daughter grew up and became a woman. A married, settled Xena was definitely in the best interest of both her daughter and the greater good.
The carriage turned a corner, and Thanasima’s residence was in full view. It was an artistically rendered marble villa, surrounded by a courtyard filled with lavish gardens and encircled by a stone wall covered in climbing vines. Xena could barely see the outlines of ornate statues and rows of fruit trees within the enclosure.
As the carriage arrived at the front entrance, an entourage of servants lined the walkway to properly welcome the approaching guests. Lyceus and Toris detoured to the stables where the groomsmen could tend to their mounts.
“Now Xena, I don’t want any trouble,” Cyrene warned as the footman unlocked the carriage door.
“Yes, Mother,” Xena droned as she lifted the hem of her dress to prevent it from catching on her shoes.
As Xena and Cyrene were helped out of the carriage, the chief butler announced them to the household. “May I present Xena, daughter of Atreus and her mother Cyrene,” he boomed. His voice was strong and clear, and it echoed through the halls and the grounds.
A second slave approached to usher both women towards their hosts. “We are most delighted to have you here,” he flattered. “If you would please follow me, her ladyship is expecting you.”
Cyrene and Xena were escorted through the foyer and into the main hallway. It was unlike anything Xena had ever seen. The walls were covered with beautiful frescoes depicting stories from mythology.
“This is house of the woman who wanted extra dowry money?” Xena cracked as she stared at an intricate portrait of her hostess dressed as Aphrodite. “Hades, this lady could afford to have a phalanx of screw-up daughters-in-law.” Cyrene shushed her, and they headed towards the door leading to the courtyard outside.
Thanasima and her daughter Gorgonia were patiently sitting on the terrace while General Eucles regaled them with old war stories. Thanasima reclined and took another sip of her wine. She handed her goblet to the hovering servant holding a tray and then rose to formally greet her guests. Thanasima looked every inch the aristocratic lady that her reputation belied. She wore a dark purple gown made of pure silk that her late husband brought back from one of his trade missions. Her graying temples were adorned with a golden tiara that matched her large hoop earrings and intricate plate necklace. Thanasima elegantly smoothed her dress and prepared to initiate the encounter. Let the fun begin, Xena thought woefully.
Eucles spoke first to the approaching company. “Well, here they are!” he said while clasping his hands with finality. “Ladies, welcome. I’ll stop regaling you with tales of bloody battles and glorious victories.” He grinned heartily.
“Indeed, General,” Thanasima acknowledged. “There is little place for the art of war at an occasion such as this.” Xena’s cheeks colored slightly.
“Greetings to you, Cyrene,” Thanasima cordially welcomed while glaring at Xena. “I do hope you will enjoy yourself tonight.”
“Greetings, Thanasima,” Cyrene answered. She curtseyed slightly, and forced her wayward daughter to do the same. “I’m sure we will have a wonderful time.”
“Xena, you look lovely as always,” Thanasima curtly observed. “You should take fewer risks with that pretty face of yours, my dear. My son is certainly not marrying you for your accomplishmennts.”
“Yes, lady,” Xena icily replied.
Breaking the standoff, Cyrene interjected, “And here comes the future bridegroom now!”
Maphius walked towards the group with Xena’s brothers and was laughing hysterically at something Toris said.
“Hahaha! That’s so funny that you’re going to compete in the games,” Maphius exclaimed. “I was planning on entering three teams of slaves in the chariot race myself!” Toris grunted softly with irritation.
As soon as he spotted the gathered company, Maphius rushed ahead to meet them. He started first with Eucles, an old friend of the family.
“Ah, General!” Maphius said. “So glad you could make it for the celebration!”
“Nice to see you, m’boy!” Eucles said while firmly shaking Maphius’s hand and patting him on the back. “Your father would proud of you,” Eucles said to Maphius while glancing at Xena, “Very proud indeed.”
“How are you, Mom?” Maphius winked as he hugged Cyrene.
“Hello, Maphius,” she said warmly.
Maphius grinned from ear to ear as he turned to his future fiancée. “Oh darling, you look ravishing!” he said bringing her knuckles up to his lips.
“Uh, thanks,” Xena said awkwardly. “You look…um… nice, too.” Maphius kissed Xena’s cheek and put his arm around her shoulders.
“Oh, isn’t she just the sweetest thing,” he gushed to everyone. Maphius could hardly believe his luck. He was going to marry the greatest girl this side of the Hellespont. She was so funny and witty. He remembered the time that she charmed a drunken hoplite into paying his bar tab with an iron maul and an amusing story about the river Styx. What a woman, he sighed in admiration. Maphius was just enchanted with her long black hair and bewitching eyes. And those legs that went on for days. Pure rapture!
True, she spent her days as a common barmaid. But a flower as rare as she deserved a better life than cleaning up barbarian vomit! He resolved that Xena would be his personal blue-eyed goddess for as long as he lived.
When Maphius first noticed Xena at the tavern, he thought he didn’t have a chance. Back then, she was always hanging around with that beastly Petracles. But then his angel was jilted suddenly by the dumb brute. Truly shocking! Still, Petracles’s loss was Maphius’s gain. He was Xena’s knight in shining armor, and Maphius was sure that she could barely find the words to express her gratitude.
So his mother had concerns that Xena’s behavior was unsuitable for high society. Maphius wasn’t worried. After marriage, Xena would spend so much time spinning with her distaff and caring for their many sons that she wouldn’t have time to assault Olympic athletes or other such nonsense. Thanasima would come around eventually; Maphius was sure of it.
Maphius’s sister, Gorgonia stood awkwardly at her mother’s side. A shy young girl who was still learning her place in high society, she merely nodded in acknowledgement. In looks, poor Gorgonia took after her father’s side of the family. Her pale, freckled skin was emphasized by the dark green silk dress that skillfully masked her gangly frame. Her corkscrew curls were pinned back, revealing an emerald studded necklace that closely hugged her slight neck. Gorgonia’s beady brown eyes focused on young Lyceus, who was wearing his best cloak and toga. “Hi,” she said quietly. She smiled sweetly at him, revealing her prominent, jagged teeth. Lyceus waved slightly in return.
Thanasima took control of the situation, “Well, now that the young gentlemen have joined us, let’s proceed to the meal.” Everyone walked back into the villa and entered a large banquet hall. Thanasima truly out did herself, Xena thought. Musicians played in the background as slaves served course after course of exquisite delicacies.
“Eucles, would you be so good as to mix the wine?” Thanasima asked.
“Gladly, lady,” Eucles said as he poured water and the region’s finest vintage into the mixing krater. The head house slave poured the mixture into silver goblets for the seated guests.
The evening was peppered with light conversation in between courses. Eucles continued his tales of battle with the Persian armies. Maphius discussed the particulars of horse breeding, and Toris inquired about Athenian grain prices. Xena stared at her food.
“My dear, I hope you realize that as a future hostess, you will be required to entertain your guests,” Thanasima sniffed.
“I’m aware of the concept,” Xena said sullenly as she munched on a plate of dried figs.
Eventually, the time came for the betrothal to be formalized. Cyrene presented her daughter’s future mother-in-law with the dowry chest. “Here is the specified amount.”
“Thank you, Cyrene,” Thanasima bowed her head slightly. At least Thanasima had enough class not to count it, Xena thought.
“It is agreed,” Thanasima said formally. “Xena, daughter of Atreus will marry Maphius, son of Emporos at the feast of Gamelion.” The old woman wearily said to Maphius, “She is yours, my son.”
Maphius smiled broadly and turned to Xena. He opened a small box, revealing two silver engagement bracelets.
“Darling,” he said as he tenderly held her hand, “I will love you forever.”
Click!
He fastened the bracelet around her wrist. Forever. The word echoed in Xena’s mind as the room swirled around her with cheers and well-wishes.
“To the marriage of Maphius, son of Emporos, to Xena, daughter of Atreus,” Eucles toasted.
“To Maphius and Xena,” Toris gruffly nodded.
“Here, here,” Lyceus absurdly intoned while making extravagant gestures. Toris put his hand on Lyceus’s shoulder and calmly tightened his iron death grip. Lyceus sullenly returned to normal, and Gorgonia giggled from across the table.
“Yes,” Gorgonia meekly agreed, raising her cup slightly.
“May you have every possible happiness,” Thanasima added, furrowing her brow.
“I’ll drink to that,” Cyrene said as she raised the goblet to her lips. All of the guests drank in unison.
Thanasima put down her goblet and called everyone to attention. “Now then, we need to set a few ground rules. As of this moment, Xena, you behavior will conform to the standards that befit a woman of high standing. Any participation in …athletics or any such activity is strictly prohibited. My servants will tend to you personally to see to your every need. They will also monitor your conduct and report any indiscretions,” she said pointedly. Xena felt like the walls were closing in on her.
Thanasima continued, “Until the marriage ceremony, you will move to my estate to be tutored in the feminine arts. You are obviously in need of practice, my dear.”
Xena saw her old life slipping through her fingers while her future was shackled to her wrist. “What?!” her voice rebelled.
Cyrene was puzzled. “But what about the proper bridal customs?” she asked. “Do you want Xena and Maphius to be at the mercy of the gods?”
“She will be returned shortly before the ceremony for the sake of tradition,” Thanasima conceded the detail. “Enough time to say goodbye.”
“Goodbye?” Xena raised her eyebrows. “Mom?” she questioned. Cyrene turned her head and would not meet her daughter’s eyes. Xena stared at Thanasima in horror. “What gives you the right?”
“In this household, my word is law,” Thanasima stated evenly.
“Oh, Mother,” Maphius groused. “Leave her alone. She’ll be fine.”
“No, my son,” Thanasima insisted, “If she is to be your wife, she must be able to fulfill the expectations that we have for her.”
“Thanasima,” Cyrene said slowly. “Perhaps we can work out some sort of compromise.”
“My decision is final. I will not have the mother of my grandchildren running around like a crazed hooligan. Regardless, at her age, it’s high time that she became a proper Athenian lady.”
All of the tension that had been building the entire evening finally boiled over. “How dare you!” Xena bellowed at Thanasima. “What right do you have to judge me?” Thanasima’s nostrils flared with displeasure. “I am the Matriarch of the house of Emporos. In case you haven’t noticed, Xena, you just became a member of this family. I control every aspect of every decision that has to be made. I have your life in my hands, girl. Be careful how recklessly you throw it away.”
Xena continued unfazed, “Actually, Thanasima, that doesn’t happen until I marry your son. That, by the way, isn’t going to happen.” Xena removed the engagement bracelet from her wrist and shoved it in her former fiancée’s face. Maphius accepted the unfastened bracelet and stared at it bewilderedly.
“XENA!” Cyrene screamed, trying to retain order.
“NO!” she roared back. “I will not be reasonable. I refuse to be controlled! Not by you, not by them,” she gestured at her brothers and Maphius, “and definitely not by HER.” Xena spat the final word in the eminently annoyed Thanasima’s direction. “This is some sort of sick game being played at my expense, and I can’t take it anymore! I hate all of you, and I want out!”
Crash!
Xena ripped off her high heeled sandals and flung them against the wall. Still seething with anger and hurt, she marched out of the room.
“My love, where are you going?” a very shocked Maphius called to her.
“I’m going to Tartarus, for all I care.” With that, Xena stormed out of the villa, slammed the large oak door, and started trudging down the road.
************************************************************************
It was almost midnight by the time Xena returned to the tavern. The pouring rain started shortly after she left the grounds of Thanasima’s villa. Dripping wet, Xena unlocked the front door and peered into the darkness. All of the lights were out. Her brothers had probably gone to bed, and it seemed like Cyrene gave up on waiting for her wayward daughter. Xena said a silent prayer of thanks. She was in no mood to deal with her mother.
Xena hopped onto a barstool and wrung out her ruined dress into an empty drinking horn. She rubbed the bottoms of her aching feet. Maybe throwing out her shoes wasn’t such a good idea. Then again, maybe a lot of things from that evening weren’t a good idea. A long walk in a thunderstorm gave Xena time to cool off and clear her head. One thing she did realize was that there would be serious consequences to her actions. She would catch hell from her mother, at the very least. But that would happen tomorrow, Xena thought. I might as well get a good night’s rest before my execution. She quietly hoped it wouldn’t occur in the literal sense.
Xena silently climbed the stairs up to the living area where her family slept. She looked around the corner and saw all of the doors were closed. Yes, everyone must be asleep.
However, as she continued up the stairs, Xena noticed faint candle light coming from a crack in the guest room door. Her curiosity was piqued. Was their mystery warrior awake? If so, then she would need some food and water.Xena would finally get to hear her rescuer’s story. Xena turned the knob to open the door when…
“Hello, young Xena,” Iatros said without turning around.
“Ah!” Xena was startled by the unexpected appearance of the old healer. “Iatros! You scared me. What are you doing here?” she asked.
“Just tending to my miracle patient,” Iatros said nonchalantly as he checked Gabrielle’s pulse. “Someone had to watch her when your family was attending such a joyful celebration, aye?”
Curses, Xena thought. He knows.
Iatros confronted her openly. “You jammy dodger! Be thankful that Thanasima would lose too much public standing if she tried to prosecute you openly in court.”
“I guess money can’t buy everything,” Xena snottily replied.
“What were you thinking?” he yelled harshly. “Have you gone daft?”
“I was standing up for my rights,” she answered. “I’m tried of people forcing their problems on me.”
“What problems would those be? A loving husband? A chance at a decent future? Xena, I’ve seen that boy waiting around the tavern almost every time I’ve come here (and I’ve had to come here to patch up your ilk quite a bit). Do you know what I’ve noticed? He worships the ground you walk on, and you treat him like shite.”
Xena rolled her eyes and ignored the statement. “Shh! You’ll wake everyone up,” she shushed. “Do you want to upset my mother?”
“Upset her? Xena, I have never seen Cyrene so shaken. Your mother is a proud woman who has slaved away her whole life for you children. Now you come along and selfishly destroy everything she worked for.”
“Maybe I don’t want to be taken care of,” Xena hissed.
“So you threw everything away because of your pride?”
“NO,” Xena denied as she walked towards her room. She didn’t care anymore if she woke up everyone.
Iatros followed her down the hallway. “Then why did you do it?” he asked. “Why can’t you be happy with what you have?”
“Because…because it isn’t real,” Xena proclaimed.
“Lass!” he cried with frustration.
“Goodnight Iatros,” Xena whispered before slamming her bedroom door.
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Snort!
“Whoa, boy. I’m almost finished,” Xena stroked the horse’s muzzle as she finished rubbing down his back. “There you are, Icarus,” she said as she removed the towel and looked at her handiwork. The dapple gray horse tossed his head and whinnied in appreciation. Xena smiled as she patted him and offered the horse a carrot. “A reward for a job well done,” she said with satisfaction. She always felt a special kinship with animals. Ever since she was little girl, Xena always loved visiting the horses in the stable outside the tavern. As she became older, her bond with the large four-legged creatures grew in depth and trust.
Xena’s current animal companions were Toris’s horses, Daedalus and Icarus. They were the best thoroughbred race horses that her brother could buy, and they held the key to his dreams of victory at the Isthmian games. Xena loved to help exercise them on the dirt track just outside the city.
The midnight stallion in the next stall pawed the ground impatiently. “Easy, Daedalus,” she soothed. “You did a good job, too.” The horse nickered happily as Xena filled his water trough.
“You don’t care if I behave like a proper Athenian lady, do you, boy?” Xena asked as she stroked his raven mane. It was so much easier to talk to animals. Animals didn’t care what you looked like or how much money you had or if you fulfilled your predetermined role in society. Animals didn’t judge. Not like Iatros. The old healer never did know when to keep his advice to himself. How could he say those things? Doesn’t he know how hard it is for her?
Still, the part that hurt the most was the fact that he was telling the truth, Xena bitterly admitted. Last night was inexcusable. Xena sobbed quietly with shame. Iatros was right. Thanasima was right. Xena was a disgrace to everything she believed in. She was a stupid little girl who couldn’t control her temper and brought dishonor to her entire family because of it.
Xena sniffled pitifully. She couldn’t play the game the way she wanted, so she refused to play at all. It was all so stupid! How could she be so selfish and stupid? At the moment, she was not even worthy of marrying that idiot.
“I have to do better,” she choked. “I have to become better; I just have to.” Daedulus stopped eating his hay and looked at Xena inquisitively.
“But how?” she despaired. She couldn’t shake the feeling that it was all supposed to be different somehow.
Xena always figured that, for the time being, things would continue the way that they always had. She would wake up and feed the chickens, take inventory of the pantry, and wait tables at the tavern. She would taunt her younger brother, burn the porridge, and finish her embroidery in time to sell it on market day. She would get into her usual array of problems and dilemmas, amusing her friends and exasperating her family.
Then, one day, Xena wistfully thought, she would wake up and fall into greatness. She would be an adult. She would live her own life and have amazing adventures. Every day would bring new places to go and exciting things to do. The sun would shine; the world would reveal its wonders; and she would be happy to be alive and part of it all.
That hadn’t happened, though. Xena woke up every morning to feed the chickens; she helped the rest of the family run the tavern; Lyceus was annoying as ever; and she still couldn’t cook to save her soul. The only change was that she was getting older. As time went on, the daily routine became harder and harder to stomach as Xena’s visions of the ideal future faded and were replaced with the demands of the present. Maybe she simply expected too much from Fate.
After all, everyone was always saying how wonderful her marriage to Maphius would be. It wasn’t without some good points, Xena conceded. Mom wouldn’t have to worry anymore. Xena would be finally resigning herself to the stable, generic future that everyone was supposed to want.
Even though he was probably a few olives short of an oil press, Maphius, the poor sap, would do anything for her. She could tell by the nauseating way he looked into her eyes. His glances were always filled with such admiration and hope, as if to say, ‘You will make my life complete.’ It made Xena feel guilty and very uncomfortable.
There had to be something else in life, she thought while wiping away her tears. There just had to!
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Xena finished her chores in the stable and entered the back door of the tavern. She could hear Lyceus and his friend Diagoras talking in the guest bedroom upstairs.
“So then Autolycus said…”
Xena climbed the stairs and peered into the small room. Lyceus and Diagoras were sitting on the window ledge across from the occupied bed. The injured blonde warrior was resting peacefully with a blanket drawn up to her chest. She still hadn’t come around yet. Xena glanced at the woman. Her breathing was so shallow that she seemed to be a statue carved in marble. Thanasima would want to buy her for the front garden, Xena thought dolefully. This was the woman who saved her life? The mystery continues, Xena thought as she turned her attention to her brother and his friend.
“What are you two old women gossiping about now?” Xena asked as she entered the room. Both boys looked up as Xena closed the door behind her.
Lyceus turned towards his sister. “Have you been brooding in the stable again?” he asked. Diagoras laughed, and Xena rolled her eyes.
“I was just grooming Toris’s horses,” she said flatly.
“Maphius should be stallion enough for you soon, Xena,” Diagoras commented.
“Diagoras, don’t talk to my sister that way!” Lyceus warned.
“What?” Diagoras asked innocently. “Well, he is her betrothed!”
“Then, he would probably object to your comments, too,” Lyceus said cryptically.
The two boys continued to argue with one another. “When I get married,” Diagoras said, “I won’t care at all if men said things like that about my wife. It would only show how much they envy me.”
“Ha! Who would marry you?” Lyceus mocked.
“Hey, the ladies can’t keep their hands off me,” Diagoras bragged as he posed and flexed his biceps.
Xena laughed incredulously at that statement.
“It’s true,” Diagoras protested. “One kiss from me and a girl will be mine forever.”
“You mean, one kiss from you and she will be mine,” Lyceus joked. “Everyone knows that I’m the hottest stud in this part of town.”
“Not likely,” Diagoras sputtered, “With a touch of the lips, I can seduce any woman alive.”
Lyceus laughed slightly. “I can kiss better than you any day of the week.”
“Now if only there was some way to prove it,” Diagoras said as he narrowed his eyes at Xena.
“Well, you’re not kissing me!” she objected.
“Eew!” Lyceus said. “I’m not kissing my sister!” He hesitated a moment. “And you’re definitely not kissing my sister,” he added protectively.
Diagoras backed off, “Fine. It was just a thought. But how are we going to decide who the best kisser is?”
Everyone in the room stared at the unconscious warrior lying in the guest bed.
“Oh no. No,” Xena said and shook her head. “You’re going to kiss a woman in a coma? That’s just weird!”
Both boys looked at Xena blankly.
“Seriously, you two,” Xena continued as she tried to diffuse the situation, “you’re really going to do this? Do you have any idea what Mom would do to you little peons for a stunt like this?”
“What your mother doesn’t know won’t hurt her,” Diagoras said.
“True,” Xena agreed, “but it might hurt you.” She stared at both of them pointedly.
“Come on, Xena,” Lyceus pleaded. “How else are we going to settle this question? It won’t do any harm. It might even help her!”
“After all, only the kiss of an intrepid hero can awaken the sleeping maiden,” Diagoras said while puffing out his chest.
Xena smirked, “Well, Diagoras, when you find him, send him our way.” Diagoras scowled and crossed his arms.
“Regardless,” Xena continued, “she’s a warrior! What would happen if you did wake her up? Gods dammit, look at those muscles. If she weren’t so badly injured, she could tear you in half for even suggesting this.”
Lyceus scratched his head. “Well, the bards do talk about the miraculous healing power of true love’s kiss.” He looked hesitantly at the unconscious woman. “She is kind of old for me though,” he noted.
“You’re just scared,” Diagoras retorted.
“I am not!”
“Then prove it!”
Lyceus turned to his sister. “Please, Xena?” Lyceus begged while giving her puppy dog eyes. “Pretty please?”
Xena stared at her brother’s embarrassing spectacle and relented. “Fine, have your creepy contest,” Xena sighed. “The way things are going these days, Mom would probably just blame it all on me anyway if she found out.”
“Hurray!” both boys cheered and started play-fighting. Then, they collected themselves and started mentally preparing for the contest to defend their manhood.
Lyceus approached Gabrielle’s bed and quickly smoothed his hair before proceeding.
“Take notes,” Lyceus instructed, “This is how a true master captures the heart of a beautiful girl.” Lyceus bent down and gave the injured Gabrielle a chaste kiss. He withdrew his lips and stared at her quizzically. There was no reaction. Lyceus gently prodded the comatose woman. “Are we sure that she isn’t dead?” he asked Xena. His sister placed her head in her hands and muttered something unintelligible.
“Well, it’s not surprising that she didn’t respond,” Diagoras said.
“What do you mean?” Lyceus questioned.
A kiss that bad would only work on Gorgonia,” Diagoras mocked, puckering his lips and chanting about Maphius’s aptly named sister.
“Oh, Lyceus!” Diagoras mocked in falsetto. “Come embrace me with your dead fish kisses.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Lyceus said defensively as he looked out the window.
“Lyceus loves Gorgonia! Lyceus loves Gorgonia!”
“Shut up,” Lyceus cried as he shoved Diagoras towards Gabrielle. “Now it’s your turn.”
“Prepare to be amazed,” Diagoras boasted as he winked at Xena. He sat on the edge of the bed and leaned over the resting blonde. Then, Diagoras unleashed one of the most slobbery, horrible kisses that Xena had ever witnessed in her life. His mouth secreted half a liter of drool as he seemingly tried to suck the epidermal layer off her face. It became so bad that Xena reached over and forcibly pulled Diagoras away from his helpless target.
“What in Tartarus do you think you’re doing?” she asked the bewildered Romeo.
Diagoras smoothed out his tunic and simply said, “None of the ladies have ever complained.”
Not missing a beat, Lyceus replied, “They probably drowned before they could.”
“At least I don’t bore them to death,” Diagoras retorted.
“You have no appreciation of true romantic technique,” Lyceus sniffed.
“But I’m sure that Gorgonia does,” Diagoras taunted.
“Shut up.”
“Gorgonia! Gorgonia!”
“SHUT UP!”
“Oh, for goodness sake! I can’t take it anymore!” Xena cried in exasperation. “THIS is how you kiss!” Xena scooped up the unconscious Gabrielle and captured her lips in a passionate embrace. These dimwits obviously didn’t know the first thing about romance, Xena thought triumphantly as she deepened the kiss for effect.
The two teenage boys stopped bickering and gaped at the sensual spectacle.
“Um, don’t you need to come up for air?” Lyceus blurted.
Diagoras laughed awkwardly and started to wolf-whistle. “Hey Xena, save some for the rest of us,” he jeered.
“Don’t say that to my sister, you jerk!” Lyceus fired back.
Both would-be Casanovas started quarreling and shoving each other when…
“Mmmmmmm.”
Suddenly the room went silent. A pair of sea green eyes met terrified blue as the once sleeping warrior responded and started to return the kiss. Xena broke off contact and stared in shock at the now conscious woman she held in her arms.
“Moooooooooooooooooommm!” Lyceus screamed.
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