Disclaimer: just for fun, no harm or copyright infringement intended.

(A country road, a man finds a woman lying in the grass beside the road, she's in a long dress, panting as if tired from running.) Man: Are you OK?

Woman: No, I'm not. A ruthless warlord and her army attacked my village, my brother was killed, and I was kidnapped. I managed to escape... can you protect me? You have a sword...

Man (draws the sword, proudly): Of course I'll protect you. This is one of the best swords in Greece and I...

Woman: Can I see it? (Receives the sword and starts cutting her dress. Armor comes to view underneath.)

Man: What are you doing?

Woman (smiles): Making you insecure.

Man: Give me the sword.

Woman (pointing the sword at him): No, you drop that scabbard to the ground, and walk away from here.

(The man pauses, then does as she says, walking past her. As she bends down to pick up the scabbard, he runs at her from behind. She plunges the sword in his chest as he approaches.)

Woman: Well, so you have your sword back. (She takes the rest of the dress off, pulls out the sword and wipes it off with the dress. Picks up the scabbard...) Woman (pensive, looking at the sword): So... now I have the armor and a sword... Next:... food... and Xena.

...she was Xena, a mighty princess...

(The same woman walks along the road. A wagon comes by. As the wagon passes, she jumps up on the tail end, rummaging the bins finding food, starting to eat an apple.)

Wagon driver (turning around): Hey, you! Get off my wagon. Woman: No, no, don't pay attention to me, just drive along. Driver (stops and picks up a sword, jumps off coming around the wagon): I don't like thieves...

Woman (jumps off the wagon, draws her sword): I, however, love to provoke a nice little fight.

Driver (a bit insecure): Get lost!

Woman (continues to eat the apple): No, no I feel a bit on the hungry side. Comes with being dead for 30 years... I think I'll have some more of your food.

Driver: Dead? I'll show you dead! (Attacks). (A short fight ensues, as the woman is about to kill the man, a hand stops her sword arm from behind...)

Xena: You really want to kill for an apple? Woman (smiling, recognizing the voice, without turning around): Why not? You've killed for less!

(Woman turns.)

Xena (surprised): Rebecca??!! (Releases her. Driver gets up and quickly leaves.)

Xena: Rebecca, how come you're so young, it's been 30... 40... years... Rebecca: My, how time flies. Well, you've been frozen, I've been dead... (Rebecca suddenly attacks Xena, but is stopped by Gabrielle.) Rebecca: Wow, I didn't know she was a bodyguard too. (Looks at Gabrielle approvingly.) I can see why you keep her around. (To Gabrielle) I'm honored to meet the great bard. All of Greece have heard your stories of the good Xena. Of course, I could fill you in on some stories of the evil Xena. (Smiling viciously to Xena).

Xena: Gabrielle, let's go.

Gabrielle (confused): Who was that?

Rebecca (following them): You haven't heard about me? I'm not surprised. Although I did ride with Xena for three years... Xena (threatening): Rebecca, get lost!

Rebecca (pouting): Now, that's what you told me then too, after three years together... (Tries to attack Xena again, this time stopped by Xena who doesn't seem to take the attacks seriously.) Rebecca (to Gabrielle): I'm just out of practice. It's been so long since I tried to kill Xena, that I've forgotten the weak spots. You need to know the weak spots to get a chance...

Gabrielle: Why do you want to kill her?

Rebecca: Because she killed my brother.

Gabrielle (to Xena): You killed her brother? After riding together for three years?

Rebecca: No, before.

Gabrielle (confused): She killed your brother and THEN you rode with her for three years? While trying to kill her?

Rebecca: Yep, that pretty much sums it up. (Again attacking Xena, trying different techniques all easily fended off by Xena). Gabrielle (still confused): Why?

Rebecca: Well, it's not like I had much of a choice. Xena and her army attacked my village. Xena killed my brother, and when I tried to avenge him, she kidnapped me. I knew nothing about fighting back then. Of course I hated her for killing my brother. And she kept me as a slave. But she did protect me from her army, and after a while I went from slave to sparring partner to second in command. And every now and then, I tried to kill her. After three years I almost succeeded, that's when I was told to leave. I didn't leave empty-handed, though, she did give me half of everything. Gabrielle: Half of everything?

Rebecca: Yes, half of the army, the horses, the weapons. (Smiling) She provided well for her lover.

Xena (cutting in): How come you're back from the dead? What god is around to manage that?

Rebecca: None anymore, but before you killed them all, the gods tried different things to stop you. One was to release all the dead people who want to kill you. The gods were too late, of course. But right now all your old enemies are on the search for you. I seem to be the first one to catch up with you.

Xena (looking worried): All my old enemies? At once? Gabrielle (aside): That will be some crowd of bad guys. Rebecca: Better sharpen that sword, Xena, you're going to have some use for it.

(Toxeus comes riding ahead of his band of thugs. Xena and Gabrielle fight them while Rebecca watches. She roams through the sacks on Argo, then leaves with a scroll and some food.)

*insert fighting scene here*

(With Toxeus decapitated, the rest of the thugs take off again, obviously not intent on attacking again.)

Gabrielle: Where's Rebecca?

Xena: I don't know. Let's get going.

Gabrielle: She must have told the truth. That was Toxeus. You killed him ages ago. Xena, what are we going to do? Xena: I don't know Gabrielle. I'm tired of fighting. I thought that we could finally live in peace with all my old enemies long dead. Now, it seems to get worse than ever. I can't fight them all at once. Not even with your help.

Gabrielle: So... we'll just walk around waiting to be attacked? Xena (smiles wryly): Nothing out of the ordinary. Gabrielle (smiles): How about some food? I'm hungry. Hey, some of the food is gone! That's odd.

Xena: No, that's Rebecca. Habitual thief. Anything else gone? Gabrielle: Oh no!

Xena: What?

Gabrielle: One of my scrolls.

Xena: I'll go after her.

Gabrielle: No, that's probably what she wants, she's waiting to kill you. Let's just forget about it.

Xena: Forget about your scroll? Well, that's a first! Gabrielle (smiling faintly): She took the one that's not about your heroics. Xena (feigning surprise): Really, you write stories that are not about me? Should I be jealous?

Gabrielle: No, no, it's just some poems. Xena: Poems? You haven't read them to me...? Gabrielle: No, they are kind of private. Xena: Sorry, didn't mean to pry. So what's left of our food? Should we go hunting?

(Evening at camp. Xena is sharpening her sword, Gabrielle preparing the food. Silence.)

Gabrielle: Xena...

Xena: Yes...

Gabrielle: Rebecca, was she... your lover? Xena (pauses, then reluctantly): Yes.

Gabrielle: Oh.

(Both continue their tasks in silence.)

(Arrow coming from the dark forest. Xena catches it before it plunges into her chest.)

Xena: Gabrielle, the next one will aim at you. Are you ready for it? Gabrielle (listening intently, whispering): Yes. (Second arrow comes, Gabrielle jumps out of its path. Curses are heard from the forest.)

Rebecca (coming out of the woods): Damn, you've trained her well! I never learned that skill. I should have aimed for Gabrielle first. Well, you live, you learn.

Xena (growling): Give Gabrielle her scroll back. Rebecca: And what a beautiful scroll it was. Never heard those poems recited around the countryside. Have you read them, Xena? Xena: Just give them back.

Rebecca (pulling out the scroll): Now, here's one really touching... Gabrielle (jumping at Rebecca, frantically): No, don't read it! Rebecca: Oh, do I sense some unresolved emotions around this campsite! Xena: Rebecca, leave.

Rebecca: No, I'm hungry again. And not much of a hunter. I think I'll join you. What's cooking? (Handing Gabrielle the scroll, winking). Gabrielle (looking down): Thanks. Rabbit stew. Rebecca: Oh, I love rabbit stew. Great. (Sitting down.) (Eating)

Rebecca: So, Gabrielle, ever thought about reading those poems to Xena? (Gabrielle blushes. Xena sees her discomfort, gets up and leaves) Xena: I'll go check on Argo.

Gabrielle (to Rebecca): How did you die? Rebecca: Changing the subject, are we? Well, I was in a barroom brawl with some men. Somehow they all wanted to kill me, and they weren't very gentlemanly about it. I took a few of them with me to Tartarus. Nice traveling company.

Gabrielle: Why did they want to kill you. Rebecca: Probably because something I said. Some men react very strongly to insults.

Gabrielle: Why would you insult them?

Rebecca: Well, they planned on killing Xena in the same fashion they did me. Gabrielle: Why would you stop them, you try to kill her yourself. Rebecca: Have you ever noticed my lack of success? Hmm. I'm contemplating killing you. Of course, I don't think that will make me very popular with Xena, but it would be a good revenge.

Gabrielle: Why did you leave her? If you loved each other... Rebecca: We were lovers, we didn't love each other. She liked the company. And I... Hating the one you love. Loving the one you hate. Surely, you can relate to that!

(Gabrielle does not answer, but looks like she knows.)

(Xena returns)

Rebecca: Xena, I think you and Gabrielle should get a little private time, considering this is your last evening together on earth. I'll be in the forest plotting to kill you. (To Gabrielle) You should show her those poems! (Rebecca leaves. Xena sits down heavily.) Xena: She might be right, you know, this might be our last night. Toxeus was only the first. The rest of them can come any second. Gabrielle: Wasn't Rebecca the first?

Xena (rueful): She didn't come to kill me, she came to warn me. She still loves me, and it tears her apart. I killed her brother as she watched, she was only 16, innocent, beautiful. I won her over, and she hated herself for it.

Gabrielle: I'm sorry. (Then feigning merriment) So, how do you want to spend your last night on earth?

Xena (serious): My past will catch up with me soon, and if you stay around I will be the cause of your death. Please, Gabrielle, leave. Gabrielle (smiles): Ha!

Xena: Yeah, I know. I'm glad you want to stay. (Pauses.) Gabrielle, I know that what Rebecca said about lovers shocked you. But physical pleasure has never been dependent on gender. (Pause.) If I fall in love, it is with a soul, independent of the body it inhabits. Gabrielle: I know what you mean. (Pauses.) Xena, I want you to read the poems. (Handing her the scroll)

Xena (reading a couple of lines): This is about me, isn't it? Gabrielle: Yes.

Xena: You're right, it's not about my heroics. As I am a woman of action rather than words... (she closes in on Gabrielle...)

(Night in the forest. Xena and Gabrielle are sleeping. Together. Some distant noises can be heard of small battles.)

(Next day, Xena and Gabrielle are on the move again) Gabrielle (points to a group of dead men lying around): Xena, do you recognize them?

Xena: Yes, those are people I killed in Chin, and these are... Gabrielle: How come they are all dead? Do you think Rebecca did this? Xena: As she said, she wanted us to have some private time. Well, that's over now, here come the bad guys.

(Bands of thugs come from all sides. Some of them start fighting between them, others come straight for Xena.)

Xena: These guys are all enemies of me AND of each other. With a bit of luck, enough of them will kill each other... Gabrielle: Always looking at the bright side. Good thing we had a large breakfast, this may take a while.

(Fighting. Rebecca comes in joining in the fight.)

*insert stupid baddies and a lot of fighting here*

(Much later, Xena and Gabrielle are both hurt, but alive. Rebecca is dead. The bad guys are dead, badly wounded, or retreating.) Xena (bending over Rebecca, closing her eyes.): Thank you. (Gabrielle and Xena start patching each other up). Gabrielle: So how many are left?

Xena: This was only a few of my enemies. The easy pickings, because they are too angry to think. They ran right at us without any plan. Later come the smarter more cautious ones. I'm sorry Gabrielle, but in 10 years as a ruthless warlord, and then 5 years fighting against ruthless warlords, I've built up quite an extensive group of enemies. Gabrielle: If they just come in small enough groups, we could maybe handle them...

Xena: Gabrielle, even if we survive all the bad guys, I will not survive this.

Gabrielle: What are you talking about?

Xena: Remember, I was the bad one. I hurt a lot of innocent people. Now some of these innocents probably want to kill me. They have done nothing wrong. I can not harm them all over again.

Gabrielle: But revenge is not the answer. Then they will not be so innocent after all.

Xena: But harming them is not the grater good, Gabrielle. Gabrielle: We haven't seen any of them so far, have we? Xena: No, nice people are slower at tracking down prey. They will come last. Gabrielle: Well, we are all patched up, ready for next battle. Xena: And here they come.

(Another group of warlords, more fighting. More wounds. Xena and Gabrielle getting rather tired.)

*insert your favorite baddies here, the who's who of the Xenaverse of baddies, in fact, all the rest of them, and of course, lots of fighting*

(Xena and Gabrielle resting, early evening, Gabrielle leaning against a log, Xena lying on the ground with her head in Gabrielle's lap. Both badly wounded, Xena mortally so.)

Gabrielle: I've never been so tired.

Xena: How many battles have we been in?

Gabrielle: I don't know, I lost count.

Xena: And you're supposed to be my bard? Retelling the story of my end to generations to come... It makes for a nice moralistic tale: be nice or the bad things you do will come back to haunt you. Gabrielle: Xena...

Xena: Lucky that these guys obviously came out of Tartarus together. They've been killing each other for control more than attacking us. (A crowd approaches slowly. They look like farmers and craftsmen, but some carry weapons and all are angrily watching Xena.) Xena: Now these are the good guys. (She weakly throws her weapons away.) Gabrielle: Wait, people, please. You are so many. She cannot escape, she's already mortally wounded, and she's thrown down her weapons. Please. Before you decide what to do with her, let me tell you a story...

...She was Xena... forged in the heat of battle... Her courage will save the world...