Loveís Cruel Hand
My love, My hurt
The rain is like tiny needles on my skin. Why does it hurt me so? The lightning around me lights the shadows upon my face, and the thunder in my ears sends me shaking.
As I kneel before these skies tonight, and I pray for a better day. I pray that tomorrow I can hold you, and that I will be able to wake next to you in my bed. And most of all, I pray that youíll love me too.
But see, I never questioned that before. Before what you ask, before you left me.
So let me tell you my storyÖ
Well it all started when I saw you for the first time in the office.† My you took my breath away. Standing there by the bossís door, looking so poised, and collected. I wanted you then.
You stood looking so confident, your outfit was so completely professional, yet so understated. Your hair was trimmed short, and your green eyes sparkled mischievously beneath the longest eyelashes I had ever seen. Your well defined hands, and long tapered fingers were clutching onto your bag and brief case, and the only sign of worry and nerves was your white knuckles.
Iím sure you must have been petrified having one hundred and fifty people watching your every move. Wondering if you were there to take THEIR job. So I did the right thing. I walked up, and introduced myselfÖ
ďHi there, you must be Meaghan. Iím Stella, Stell for short.Ē
hhhHiĒ You stuttered. It was so cute, I found it positively endearing. Iím sure I fell for you then.
With a smile, I lifted a hand to place on your arm, and whispered cheekily,
†ď Donít be scared. They donít bite, and they donít bark either.Ē
This is all it took, you smiled, and laughed softly. And then quipped back, ďIímmm ggl..glad, Iím not so sure I want any of them biting me.Ē
It was now my turn to laugh, strange looks were now being directed our way, so I suggested a coffee. You quickly agreed. So I took you to the machine, and we chatted quietly over our steaming cups, and then I showed you to your office.
†Once I had left you at your new space to settle in, I walked off in a daze, not realising that my feelings were worn all over my face. Apparently the look or pure adoration, was clear in my expression, and lust was clear in my blue eyes. Our work mates, watched me all that first day, and from then on, wondered how long it was going to take for you to fall too. If itís to be believed, some even had bets laid.
Our friendship grew faster than a wildfire, and we started spending time outside of work together. At first it was just the Saturday morning coffee meet, then weíd take turns picking the other up and driving to work, and then, we figured itíd be easier to just move in together.
So we did. One day mid spring. All the roses were in bloom, and the world was positively humming with energy and activity. We moved your stuff into my spare room. Then celebrated that night with a bottle of claret, and we ordered in some Chinese.
Do you remember that night Meaghan? I do. I remember sitting at the end of the lounge, facing you at the opposite end, watching you try to use the chopsticks. God, you were so adorable. The food ended back into the carton, and barely anything went into your mouth. Then it happened. You finally plucked a bit of chicken, and it made the trip into your mouth. You were so excited, that you spilt the entire contents of the carton onto my carpet. So I dashed into the kitchen for a cloth, and came back to start wiping the mess. You also helped, but mostly you got in my road.
After bumping heads for the fourth or fifth time, I looked up to see you gazing into my eyes. My breath caught in my throat, and my eyes fluttered shut. My heart just about beat itself out of my chest cavity. My mind went blank, all I could think that maybe you were going to kiss me. Oh how I had dreamed of that for months, since we first met on your first day.
Then it happened. You kissed me. My heart stopped. I swear it did. The feel of your soft lips against mine, and the feel of your hot tongue probing my mouth seeking entrance was almost my undoing. A groan from deep within my throat came from somewhere, Iím still not sure where now. It was so deep and guttural, it didnít even sound like me. Our mouths fused together, our tongues wrapped around each others, and then we both pulled away gasping for air. I quickly backed up, thinking I had gone off the deep end, that I had probably gone too far, forgetting completely that you had kissed ME.
That night, we talked for hours. Which was of course nothing new, but this time we talked about us, as in us together. You lay in my arms as I stroked your hair. We talked of hopes and dreams, and of past loves, and of future loves, and how we fit into that. WE didnít get to sleep till the wee hours of that morning, and you joined me in my bed. That night, I held you as you slept. Never before had I felt anything so right, never had I ever wanted anything more than to do that for the rest of my life.
The next morning I woke with a smile. You were wrapped around my body, and I woke you with my soft touches and tender kisses upon your face. We made love for the first time that morning. It was a morning full of tender kisses, soft caresses, and scorching touches. I told you I loved you that morning. Do you remember?
After that morning we had many a morning spent in bed, making love till we fell into an exhausted slumber once more. I loved you like I had never loved another before. And we were together for five years. Then one day, I came home, and you werenít there. Youíd left me. I was utterly and completely shattered. You broke my heart.
So tell me what do I pray for now? Do I pray to get you back, to have you tell me you love me still. Or do I just pray to get my own heart back?†
Our love, Our hurt
The starry night bewitches me again. Night after night Iíve been sitting out here on the jetty. Just watching the moon move around me on these cold nights. Itís so cold, but yet night after night I continue to sit out here on the cold, almost frozen wood. I bring a blanket out, and wrap it around me tightly, with my coffee thermos beside me, and my half empty pack of cigarettes.
Then I go into an almost trance like state. I think back to our time together. Oh those were the good days. What happened Stell? Not a day has passed since, that I havenít thought of you, that I havenít thought of what you were doing, and that I havenít missed your love.
You think I left because of choice donít you? You think I left because I didnít care. Well Iím telling you now Stella, I did care. I still do. I still love you with all of my heart. Why else would I be sitting on a jetty, in the freezing cold, tears streaming down my face, trying to work out why I was so weak?
But the truth is, I donít know. I know I couldnít do it. I couldnít have you hurt. Never.
But I guess in the end I did anyway, I hurt both of us. I broke our hearts.
I remember the first day I saw you like it were only yesterday. God I was so nervous. I was scared witless with all these people gawking at me. And then I spotted you. Sprawled on that chair, with the presence of someone who got her way the majority of the time. I couldnít take my eyes off of you. Those eyes, I knew that in time to come they would be my undoing. And it turned out they were.
You were so friendly, you walked straight up to me, and I nearly died. You introduced yourself as Stella, but I was to call you Stell. It was your voice, it made me melt, and oh god, the way you said my name, and the way you looked at me. I fell for you at that very moment. I felt my heart twitch, then it was yours for the taking.
Do you remember Stell how quickly we became friends, do you remember the coffee dates we had at first, then I remember the first time I offered to pick you up for work. I was so desperate for time with you, so elated when you agreed to letting me pick you up. What made me happier was that you seemed to love our times together too.
But I never knew. I was always so scared. Scared that what I felt was never going to be returned. I thought it never could. How could someone so beautiful, so utterly charming, love someone like me? So you can imagine my surprise. When I moved into your apartment, that first night. The wine the Chinese dinner. The accident, the kiss. Yes the kiss, oh god I kissed you.
You were so close, and when I looked into your eyes, I couldnít pull away, so I went with my instincts, I leant forward, and touched my lips to yours. I was so scared Stell, I thought you were going to hate me, kick me out of your home. But you didnít. You kissed me back.
So we sat there on that lounge and talked, we talked all night. Only going to bed in those last few hours before daylight. I woke wrapped around your body, with you placing soft kisses in my hair. My heart soared. We made love for the first time that morning Stell. It was the first of many mornings. And I cried, I had streams of tears coursing down my face. You told me you loved me too. I had never thought in any one life-time that I could be so lucky as to have you return my love.
We spent five long years together, I loved every moment. Iíd never want to do anything different, except one thing. I left. I didnít want to, I had no choice, but I know now that I probably should have been stronger and stayed with you. But the threat of you losing the job you loved so much was too much for me. I canít explain it now, all I can say is that Iím sorry. Iím sorry I was scared, Iím sorry I ran away. Because if theres one thing I regret in my lifetime, it was leaving you.
So Stella, after these three years, I wonder do you still think of me, like I think of you? Or do you hate me?
Itís time for me to go back inside now, the night is almost over and the sun is starting to rise. As I stand to my feet, and take a deep breath of air, I think back to a song of old, ďAll you get from love is a love songĒ. Tell me that isnít true. Tell me our hearts will indeed find a way.
Our love, My hurt
The waves are crashing forcefully into the shore, and the wind is playing lightly in my hair. The sun has just set, and the colours of dusk still paint its beauty over the skies above. Looking out into the horizon, watching the gulls fishing for their dinner, Iím thinking about you. I always think of you.
I wonder what would have happened if you hadnít have left. I wonder if weíd still be together. I wonder if Iíd still be seeing your beautiful smile as I woke each morning, and still be the one to kiss you goodnight. I wonder if you think of me too, and so in my fantasies you are. My fantasies are of you pining away for me, and how you long to come back, but are too scared. And I know deep in my heart that I am right, that this isnít a fantasy, but actual truth. But I wonder, why havenít you come back to me?
I went to sleep last night, with your name on my lips. I was full of uncertainty, I wanted you to be there beside me, to be there to hold me. I could feel myself growing more and more desperate with every minute that passed. I could hear your voice whispering in my ear, could feel your soft breath against my skin. Remembering now, how my skin prickled with awareness, and how my legs trembled at the vivid image of you in my mind.
I remember our last night together. It was just like any other night, but how I wish I had of said something. I wish that I hadnít left you. How did I leave you?
I wish I had had the strength to go back to you, but now itís too late. Itís far too late.
Meaghan, you left me. And now, I just found that youíve left me for good, and youíre never coming back. Why? Why did you go, why did you leave? Why didnít you come back?
Tears are streaming down my face and Iím shaking with absolute fear. Iíve just received a confidential letter from a courier. A letter that explains all. Well so you would say.
I can feel myself growing numb, I canít feel the chill in the air, and I donít hear the busy noise of the street behind me. My eyes are so blurred, that I canít see the words on the page, and my breathing so erratic that Iím not certain of my next breath.
So I lean my back against the rail behind me, look up to the skies, praying that whatever the letter says, that youíre okay.
Whatever happens always know that I love you. Know that I never wanted to leave you. Not then, and not now in death. If you are reading this, you know that I have gone. Know that I am watching over you, and shall continue to do so until we can be together again.
I should explain why I left you.
I left you because I was given no alternative. Your father, our boss. He didnít approve. You know he didnít. He threatened to disinherit you completely, remove you from your position, and back-list you in every town and state in the country. And thatís not where it stops. He threatened to oust us both to the nation, knowing that we both wished to live peacefully. Now I know you are thinking that I should have told you. But know this. I know how you loved that company, you thrived on the kill, well so to speak. Itís your life, and more over, itís your heritage. I couldnít deny you that.
I was hoping that after a given amount of time that I could return, and things would go back to the way they were. And believe me, I had made plans to do so. But then, if youíre reading this letter, those plans never got put into action.
So now within this note, I ask, I beg that you go see my lawyer, Timothy Jones. He can explain everything, he knows everything. And please Stell, remember I did everything out of love for you, I couldnít ask that you give up your birthright, I just couldnít.
I loved you Stell, and I never stopped thinking about you, and remember I was coming back for you.
Yours forever and always,
My tears are running faster and harder than ever. I have the letter from Meaghan clutched in my hands, and Iím shivering. Iím so cold, my heartís so empty.
Sheís gone, sheís really gone.††
I pull my body up and away from the board-walk, and run down to the water, walking in to my knees, and stopping cold. I look out into the horizon, my tears welling up in my eyes, my bottom lip quivering, and whimpering noises coming from my throat.
I close my eyes, and I can see you before me. See you as I saw you all those years ago. I see you as I did, the very first day I ever laid my eyes upon you. In my fatherís office building, looking so calm and collected. And if I concentrate really hard, I can hear your voice, your beautiful laugh.
Oh god, youíre gone. Youíre really gone.
A shadow lurks around the corner my love
Iím on the train right now, watching out the window; just watching the world as the train rattles by. The trees are just blurs in my vision, and the children bright flecks of colours in their backyards and local parks.† Then I look to the sides of the tracks as I pass, the normally dry tracks are dotted with muddy waters from the recent rain. And then my attention is drawn to the inside of the carriage; The children are causing havoc in the aisles. Playing their childish games, darting up and down the narrow corridors, and yet Iím left still thinking of you.
Itís been a couple of years now since you left me, and a year since I received the ďletterĒ. I just wanted you to know, that thereís not a day goes by that I donít think of you. I can still hear your voice whispering in my ear, I still smell you scent nearby, and I can still feel the sweet joy of your soft lips upon mine. I still remember you like it were only yesterday, I still love you more than anything.
People have told me that oneís losses get easier to endure over time. Iím still waiting for that time. I still miss you beyond belief, and still havenít forgiven my father for what he did. You donít know this, but I left my fatherís company. I couldnít stand, no bear to look at him. Look at the man, the person who happily destroyed my life. The day I confronted him, I literally tore him apart. He deserved more for what he had done, but I lost the urge to fight. I stopped caring for him, I just didnít want to see him any longer, so I left. Iíve never forgiven him for what happened since. He took you away from me, and I never even got to say goodbye. That broke my heart.
Once again, like always it seems, tears are rolling down my cheeks. My eyes are blurred, and my tongue feels swollen in my mouth. I can still feel tiny elements of anger boiling in my blood, but at the present I am helpless. Which brings me to why I am on this blasted train. You know how much I hate trains, yet I find myself on one today. Iím heading for the Royal North Shore Hospital. Iím going to find some answers, I swear to you, Iím going to find the answers as to why, today.
Iím sitting in the most uncomfortable chair in the training and research section of the RNS,† and my heart is racing, and I cannot believe my eyes. Iíve just been given a report on the findings of your autopsy. As my eyes scan over the material, and I read of the gruesome details, it occurs to me that it was such a senseless death. Shot with a 44 calibre pistol five times, in the back no less. I feel sick to my stomach, but a though occurs to me. Iím reading this about YOU. I should be almost passed out by this stage. You remember what I was like. Remember when you broke your arm? I passed out. What about when we went hiking, you slipped on a bit of moss covering the rocks, and cut your forehead, you needed stiches, I passed out. Meagh, I knew it, something is up.
Then I quickly re-read the beginning again.
Name:†††††††††††††††Meaghan Cait Johnns
D.O.B:††††††††††††††12 February 1969
Address:††††††††††59 Elizabeth Rd,
Meagh thatís all I got to again. Then my brain kicked in. A- ! Youíre not A-, youíre OB-. Itís a hoaxÖ Theyíre wrong. Itís not you!
Oh my god Meaghan. YOUíRE STILL ALIVE! Iíve got find you.
Iím standing outside now. Thereís thunder and lightning crashing around me. The rain is pelting into my body, and has me soaked through to the skin, yet I couldnít care. Youíre still aliveÖ
Oh Stell, help me. Iím in total darkness, I donít know where I am. I donít even know how long Iíve been at this place. And Iíve got no idea how Iím going to get out. But, I do know who put me here, and the dozen of other places before this one.
Stell, your father, he found me. And then he went back on our agreement. He took me baby. Baby, I need you. PleaseÖ Find me.
Hearing a deep savage growl† ď I WANT HER OUT NOW!Ē
My ears perked to attention. Iím imagining things. It canít be.
Oh my god, oh my god oh my godÖĒSTELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLAĒ
Tears streaming down my face, my tongue feeling thick in my mouth. Banging on the door of my prison, trying to get her attention. Then I heard her footsteps, and her whispered words.
ď Meaghan Iím here, baby Iím here.Ē
The metal door clanged open, and I was swept into my lovers arms once more. Tears falling freely from my eyes, and Iím sobbing uncontrollably into her broad shoulders. Her hands are running up and down my back, soothing my tears, and her sweet voice is whispering into my ear.
ď Baby, Iím hereÖ Gods Iíve missed youĒ
My tears falling harder, and my hands reaching to cup her face, pulling back and looking deep into her green eyes, whispering, ď Iím so sorry, I love you so much. Please donít ever let me go again. Please.Ē
With that, I started to sway, and my knees buckled from under me. Then you, my saviour, swept me off my feet, and carried me out to where our chariot awaited.
Finally the sun was setting and we were driving away from your prison of so long, our hands clasped tightly together, and silently watching the kilometres pass by. I never asked questions, I never asked why.
I never spoke of my father again, and in return you never left my side.
We proved once and for all, love is eternal. You are my love, my heart.
25 October 2000