Out of Despair

by Ri

Disclaimer; This is a very dark tale for me, it does have talk of suicide and child abuse, there is also a child's death with in these words. It disturbs me and I wrote it so I know it might disturb others. There is no graphic descriptions but if the thought of any of the above bothers you please don't read it. There is a loving same sex relationship and hurt/ comfort in this story as well. I hope it does bring something positive in the end to the reader. At the end of story I have a couple of links that might help too, Thank you.

        I wasn't suicidal. I felt at the time I was being realistic. I felt I was a waste of space. I didn't feel I contributed anything to this life and that I never, ever would. At the same time I couldn't bring myself to do something drastic about it. I had a family who loved me and that I couldn't let down so I just had to keep going somehow.

        My biggest problem was that I was so lonely. There were days that I could barely get out of bed because I couldn't face another day of loneliness. I'm very shy and I couldn't seem to meet someone to love that would love me back. I decided I that would always be alone. I knew from previous heartbreak that I was lost cause.

        Why am I telling you all this? I need you to understand where I was when I met my Jane. She changed my life. She saved my soul.

        My name is Gillian, I'm 40 years old and I write fiction for a living. I guess I spend more time in my head then is healthy. I make Ally Mcbeal look like an amateur at it. At the same time my feet are firmly planted on the ground. I really do know the difference between fantasy and reality. Why the hell do you think I was so damn depressed?

        I was shanghaied into going to a party my magazine editor was throwing for charity. I'm a sucker for kids, I really love them and this was for abused children so I went. Whenever I'm in a one on one situation I'm fine, but when I have to face a group I become introverted and turn completely inward. I'm not unattractive or incapable of interaction but I am opinionated as hell and I don't give a crap what I look like so I guess I can appear rather ill kept. I'm 5'5 with short blonde hair and green eyes. I've been described as cute and sweet, yech, it always makes feel like a Barbie doll or something.

        I walked into my editor's apartment and immediately got uncomfortable. It was filled with people dressed in sleek designer clothes and they were slinking around and being witty with each other. Barney came over to me and said sweetly, "Come on Jill. Relax. You've earned this."

        I rolled my eyes at him and said, "I earned what being in a room with a bunch of sophisticated intellectuals. Whoopee!"

        "Your not exactly intellectually challenged, you know?"

        "Barney, I'm ...I'm..."

        "Shy. So what? You are a bright and special woman. Please Jill, relax and enjoy yourself."

        "I'll try," I walked over to the table where the food was spread out. I was totally unaware that our conversation was overheard. In a large rattan chair behind us sipping a drink was Jane. She heard all that was said and she followed me.

        "Hi," Said a low throaty voice from behind me.

        I turned around and looked up and up. I was stunned into being quieter then normal. The woman starting a conversation with me was a beautiful amazon. She had long shiny black hair and startling laser like blue eyes that I couldn't avoid looking into if I wanted to. I stuttered an almost inaudible "Hi."

        She smiled sweetly and held out her hand, "What's your name?" She took my shaking hand in her own and it stilled when it was enclosed in her warm hand. She then shook it gently but didn't let go.

        "My name is Gillian."
        "That's a pretty name, I'm Jane. It's nice to meet you."

        "Thank you," I said my eyes dropped and I stared at the interesting pattern on the carpet beneath my feet.

        "Gillian, Would you like to sit down?" She asked me as she slipped my hand under her arm and led me to the enclosed patio. Arm in arm we sat down on very comfortable rattan seats close to each other and she gently released my arm looking across at me with kindly, warm eyes and a very welcoming smile. I suddenly felt like I could relax a little. Jane saw that and her smile broadened.

        I hesitantly asked, "Are you a writer too?"

        Jane laughed and shook her head, "No, I'm a cop." I know my face reflected the surprise I felt. She reached out and gently touched my hand saying, "I'm a technical adviser for a detective magazine that Barney edits.

        Now I almost fell out of the chair and she put a steadying hand on my arm to keep me in place,"I...um...write for that..."

        "Really?" I nodded and she looked me with appraising blue eyes and asked, "Are you Gillian Miller?" I nodded again and her smile became dazzling and the gentle touch on my arm became a warm gentle grip, "We do know each other Gillian. Via the Internet, I'm Poirot@dective.com your adviser. Kind of cool, huh?"

        I was now smiling and nodding. I just couldn't get my mind around it. I talked to this woman every day. Several times a day on Instant Messager. I was a good friend with this beautiful woman and I didn't even know it.

        "You talk a bit more in chat then you do in real life, don't you? "She asked with a smirk.

        For some reason that got me. I started to laugh till tears ran down my cheeks. Jane looked very pleased when I got a hold of my self she reached out and dried my eyes saying, "That's better. I do feel like I know you. We have been chatting for about a year."

        "Yeah, I feel like I know you too. Um...Why did you come over and talk to me? I mean I'm not exactly one of the sparkling people of...."

        "Sophistication and intellect? I must confess I heard you and Barney talking. I was intrigued when he called you Jill. I remembered you telling me that you went by that name. I really wanted to meet the lovely woman that I have so enjoyed talking to...."

        "Lovely? Intrigued?" I was shocked by these words they did not describe me to my mind.

        Jane nodded her head, "Yep, you are lovely on the outside. But Jill, your absolutely beautiful on the inside. I've been wanting to meet you for such a long time..."

        "You have?"

        Jane looked amused, "Yes I have for the longest time. Um.. Do you think you could say something that doesn't end in a question mark?"

        I laughed and nodded my head, "Yes I can. Your beautiful, Poirot."

        She actually blushed and her eyes dropped. I actually made this confident woman blush. I couldn't believe it but there was more to come.

        "Thank you. Um....Jill, I have another confession. I knew you were going to be here. Barney told me. I have been waiting in that chair with a view of the door for over an hour. I wanted to meet you so badly. I was trying for months but you always avoided it. Are you mad at me?" She actually looked scared.

        I couldn't believe this. This beautiful woman arranged to meet me here and she was scared I'd be mad at her. "No, I'm very flattered. I did that with everyone Poirot. I wouldn't meet any of my friends on line. I didn't want any one to see me...I mean I'm not exactly gorgeous...."

        "The hell your not!" She was suddenly right next to me. She tipped my face up till we were inches apart. "When I said your beautiful that's what I meant Jill. I..."The next thing I knew our lips met in a deep and passionate kiss. I really don't know who was more surprised. When our eyes met after our kiss it was like we both had the shock of our eyes. We did.

        "Jane, why did you kiss me?"

        "Because I've wanted to for a very long time and I couldn't resist. Why did you kiss me back?"

        I blushed a deep red and she smiled brushing the hair out of my eyes as I replied, "I've wanted to for a long time too. All I really knew about you, was that you were a police detective here in New York and a woman. I knew from chatting that you were warm and funny and sweet. I also learned that you were compassionate and you cared about the victims in this city. For some reason you kept coming back and chatting to me. I would look forward to your pop up window. I'd turn off all of my other chat buddies so I would only get you. I felt like...like....like..."

        "W e were connected?" I nodded. Jane smiled sweetly and caressed my cheek. "Why do you think I kept coming back, Jill?"

        "Where do we go from here?"

        "Any where you want. I'm all yours, Jill. I'm afraid I can't let you go now," And she kissed me again.

        ***                ***                ***                ****

        It was the weirdest and best thing that had ever happened to me. Another weird thing was that Jane's precinct was right by my apartment. I asked her to move in within two days of meeting her. We were already a couple from the time we left Barney's Patio and walked out into the cold New York night. It is my believe that we fell in love with each other before we even met in person. I never thought I'd be the type of person to meet the love of my life on a contraption. But I was and man was I grateful to that bucket of bolts.

        Jane was a detective in the homicide division, which was why she had the special knowledge that brought us together. She read a lot to escape work but incredibly it was murder mysteries that she found so intriguing. She felt that most she read just wasn't realistic so she answered an ad on the bulletin board at the precinct for a technical adviser. Barney hired her on the spot. I was one of three writers she was working with but I was the only one she wrote to constantly, several times a day in fact. When Jane realized what she was doing she felt she was under some sort of spell. It had to be she never in her whole life had felt so connected with someone and yet she had never met the person she felt connected to. Jane felt that this was fate.

        I didn't know what to make of it. I was always ecstatic to get an instant message from her. We talked constantly I thought of Poirot as my only real friend and confident. When she first started to work with me all we spoke of was my plots and my characters. Within a few days we talked of everything, My parents, my lack of friendships, my shyness, my fears. She was a true friend to me who treated all my little confidences with kindness and a good dose of common sense.

        What I didn't know was that I was giving a much-needed counter point to her gritty world. She felt as alone and alienated as I did. People constantly surrounded her but felt no connection, no sense of belonging till she started talking to me. She knew she loved me within two months. She had been trying to get me to meet her but I kept avoiding it. I was good at that I always avoided meeting people in life. She kept at it though, saying it could be in as public a place as I like. She said she never saw anyone as good at stone walling her as I was. Finally after a full year of intense friendship she felt she had to meet me. She arranged with Barney to meet me at his party. He promised her he'd get me there but the rest was up to her.

        I guess life is full of surprises. My surprise after we moved in together was how lonely her life truly was, She had no one in her life by choice. Till me. She saw death every day and it got to her soul. I was her salve as she was mine salvation. We soothed each other, One case was true touchstone to who we were...

                ***                ***                ***                ***

        I was busy at my computer when Jane came into the apartment.

        "I'm in here. Poirot." I called out to her using her net name, it gave us both a kick to call her by the name of the great Belgium detective. She didn't come in and I was surprised and concerned. I found her in our dark living room in her favorite easy chair crying quietly. My strong detective was crying her eyes out.


        "Jill, Sweetie...I..."She started haltingly. I rushed to her and embraced her. "What's wrong?"
        Jane pulled me into her lap and held me tightly to her, she leaned her head against my shoulder and said in my ear, "I couldn't save her..." Then she sobbed so hard I had to hold her tightly to keep with her in the chair. I stroked her hair and said anything soothing that popped into my head till her breathing evened out and she was under control again. I then pulled back and gently dried her red rimmed blue eyes.

        "Who baby?"

        "It wasn't my case but she was such a pretty little girl. Her sweetness and intelligence intrigued me. Her mother was beating her, yet she clung on to her and wouldn't allow social services to take her away from her Mommy. I was asked by one of the cops assigned to her case to try and reason with her since I was a woman, she might listen to me. I just couldn't understand how a child could love someone who was hurting her. I sat down with her and tried to talk her into going with the nice social worker so she would be protected while her mother got some help. I tried Jill, I really tried..." She started to sob again holding on to me as her lifeline. I was her lifeline as she is mine, I held on tightly, stroking her hair and her back.

"I know you tried, baby. I know" I cooed to her.

        She calmed again and sore red rimmed blue eyes met mine. I could see she had been crying before she ever got home. She leaned in close and kissed my cheek. Then she gently rubbed her cheek against mine, she seemed to get comfort just having me there for her. We held each other like that for a long time just stroking and kissing each other sweetly.

        She took a deep breath and then met my eyes as she continued her horrible tale, "Bobby came into the squad room tonight looking like he had seen a ghost. It was worst then a ghost...that beautiful little girl, Jill...She beat her to a bloody pulp then she shot herself. Why? How can a mother do that to her own baby? I simply do not understand...."

        I was stroking her back, I didn't understand either. Despite my Jane's rough edges she had a heart the size of the Grand Canyon. She had a special softness for animals and children. We were ironically supposed to buy a puppy that weekend. She was very close to her nieces and nephews and my little brother, so this hit her hard.

        "I don't understand it either, Baby. I know you tried to help her. I know you tried to get her to go to the social worker but I guess she needed her mother, she loved her despite of what she did..."

        "I do know that, Sweetie. What I don't understand is why? Why would an intelligent little girl love some one who was hurting her every day? Why would she cling to her so? Why not go where she would be safe and let the state treat the woman so she could be the mother the girl deserved? I don't understand it. I can't see how anyone could open their heart so to someone who beat them..."

        I shook my head, "I don't think we ever will. I guess we will just have to find some lesson to make her life worth something..."

        Jane pulled back it was then she could see I was crying too. She gently dried my tears with her fingers and asked, "What lesson?"

        "To be grateful that we love each other. That no one is hurting anyone we love. To take each day, one day at a time. I really do believe that if this woman had sought out help she would never have gone as far as she did. That beautiful baby would be alive. Maybe we could both join a program to help abusive parents and abused children? Maybe you and I can do something to help the next little girl as a counseling team?"

        "Team?" Jane asked surprised that I would want to join any group since I was still so shy.

        I nodded and smiled shyly, "We are a team aren't we?"

        Tears came again to her eyes as she brought me to her in a tight embrace, "Yes we are. Thank you my Gillian. God, I love you so."

        "I love you too. Please don't thank me. I need to give back to the community that gave me you." Jane nodded and kissed me deeply with salty tears, "I think we both do love. We both do."

                                The End


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