Chapter 12
Home.
Everything was the same; her father’s estate—a small citadel bearing the family name of ‘Everdeen’ which comprised numerous stone-and-timber buildings set amid sprawling, immaculately tended gardens—was just as she remembered it. The grounds were lush with grasses though some of the trees had shed their leaves with the onset of winter, and everything was wet and dripping from frequent rain showers that swept the land. Dae remembered the hours she’d spent as a child playing in those sprawling gardens and exploring the untamed forests surrounding them…painting the flowers and wooded hills with her mother, or watching her father and his soldiers train. That felt like so long ago to her now.
Standing in the antechamber which led to her father’s formal audience hall, looking around at the lacquered wood-paneled walls and the tapestries which had hung there since before she was born, Dae felt her palms moisten with nervous sweat. Only the seasons had changed since she’d last walked these hallways, had last looked out the enormous glass windows over the verdant landscape…but the ache in her heart told her this place was no longer her home.
Everything was the same, yes; it was she who had changed.
Jarod was in that room with her parents, just beyond the oak doors, delivering his report and explaining as best he could what had happened since her abduction. Two of her father’s guards, men she’d known all her life, stood behind her, and every time she glanced at them they gave her huge, joyous smiles. They looked as though they wanted to hug her, tell her how glad they were to see her home safely, but Dae knew they would never display such a lack of decorum. She was, after all, the daughter of their liege lord.
But the bitterest part of her wondered how different their reaction might be if they knew where she’d been all this time…and what she had been doing. She supposed it was only a matter of time before they found out. Taking a deep breath, Dae tried to steady her nerves and brace herself for the difficult reunion.
She had changed her clothing back to the more traditional garb of her homeland, but only because the temperature dropped so dramatically over the course of their return journey that she’d been forced to concede the point that her desert leathers were no longer practical. Dae clung to the belief that Zafirah would come for her, would never allow them to be parted, and this certain, unwavering faith had eased her heartache as they moved ever further away from El’Kasari and her wife's embrace. But as their party left the sand dunes and scrub plains behind them, making their way through a narrow pass between the craggy mountain range that bordered the eastern desert, the first doubts began to creep into her mind. How much could she really ask of Zafirah?
The further they traveled, the louder those doubts grew. As they rode alongside trickling streams which matured into rivers and eventually flowed into great lakes, with the trees around them becoming larger and lusher, Dae wondered just how far she could expect her partner to go to bring her back. Trying to imagine the Scion riding through the cool, shadowy woodlands was impossible. She could still recall the look of incomprehension on Inaya’s face when she’d seen Dae’s drawings of her homeland, and how she’d had to explain the images to the desert girl, who had never imagined a land so brimming with water and life. Dae tried to ignore these doubts, but they whispered in her mind ever louder. Would Zafirah really come? Would she really leave her responsibilities in the desert to chase after her into this strange, alien world?
Caught in the tangle of her thoughts, Dae startled when the oak doors finally opened and Jarod stepped through them. Over his shoulder she caught her first glimpse of her parents; her father, Lord Richard of Everdeen, tall and strong, his beard a shade or two grayer than she remembered and new lines of grief carved into his face around his eyes…and her mother, Lady Simone, short and slender, with hair the same shade as her own and tears flowing down her pretty face. Dae’s throat constricted painfully, and she focused her attention on Jarod as he approached, trying to read his inscrutable features to gauge their reaction to the story he’d related.
He responded to the question in her eyes with a small, weary smile and a shrug. “I have done what I could, my lady,” he told her quietly. “I explained that the Scion saved you from the slavers and took you into her harem, and I made it quite clear her actions spared you a far worse fate in the western empire. I also explained as best as I could the relationship you formed with the woman who rescued you…and how intimately you forged your bond with her.”
Dae gave a faintly amused snort. “Delicately put.”
“It seemed best to avoid a more vulgar accounting,” Jarod said, “but the point was made. Having lived in fear for so long they are naturally overjoyed to see you safe and back with them…but as for the rest…” He shook his head gently.
Dae could tell from that gesture that Jarod’s explanation had not achieved the result of making her parents understand that her place was with Zafirah. But then, her hope that it would had been a fleeting one. She sighed. “Thank you for trying.”
“I’m sorry. Perhaps you’ll have better luck making them understand.” He gave her a small bow and a wink. “Well, I shall leave you to the embrace of your family. Farewell.”
As he strode past her toward the entrance hall, Dae turned and called after him. “Jarod?”
He looked back at her. “Yes, Consort?”
She smiled at his use of her Jaharri title. “Whatever you might believe, one way or another Zafirah will come for me.” She paused, looking him in the eye, considering him. After learning more of the man over the course of their return journey, hearing tales of some of his previous experiences, she had grown to at least respect Jarod and the work he did. “You may have only been doing what my father asked of you…and I’ll admit, had my circumstances been different, your rescue might have come as extremely welcome…but all the same, you won’t want to be anywhere near this place when she arrives.”
Jarod nodded, his quiet smile unwavering. “Fear not, Consort. I’ll take great pains to ensure our paths never cross again.”
Dae watched him walk away and then, taking a deep breath, she turned and stepped into the room. The guards drew the doors closed behind her, and she was left, eyes downcast, alone with her parents. She glanced up hesitantly, expecting to see disgust, shame…and was swallowed by their arms as they rushed forward to crush her between them in a smothering embrace.
“Oh, Dae! You’re home!” her mother cried, choked with emotion, clutching at her as if to confirm she was really there. “We were so afraid! Can you ever forgive us?”
Face crushed against her father’s chest, lost in the cocoon of their relief, Dae found herself hugging them back with equal strength. The tears fell now and she didn’t try to stop them. Oh, but she had missed them! She’d almost forgotten the feel of their arms around her…the sound of their voices, so comforting and full of love! For the first time in so long, her senses were filled with the smell of them—her father, leather and wool and the strong scent of pine-needles; her mother, perfume and starch and the beeswax she used in her candle-making and to polish the antique furniture. Dae knew they would never understand the person she had become, but they were still her parents, and she couldn’t deny herself this moment of acceptance and pure joy.
They stayed like that a long time.
“Mother…Father.” Dae wiped at her wet face, sniffling a little as she looked up at them. “I missed you both so much!”
“We’re so sorry, darling…” Her father’s face was streaked with tears, his voice rough. She’d never seen him cry before, had never seen him so overwhelmed with emotion. “We’re so sorry for all that you suffered.”
“Can you ever forgive us?” Her mother ran her fingers through her hair, staring at her, soaking in her presence. “After we learned of the ambush, we sent men scouring throughout the kingdom. They searched for months but could find no trace of you. We thought you were dead, that we’d lost you forever!” She seemed on the verge of falling apart, fresh tears sparkling like dewdrops in the corners of her eyes. “But you’re safe…you’re home now, and safe. And goodness, look how long your hair has gotten!”
Dae kissed her mother’s hand after another long hug. “I’m sorry, mother. I wish I could have sent you word to let you know I was alive, but with everything else that was happening…I just…it’s difficult to explain—”
“Then don’t,” her father hushed her gently. “You’re back with us, alive and well. We can put everything else that's happened behind us now. I suppose we should be grateful to the desert people for saving you from those raiders, and thankful at least for whatever mercy they showed.”
These words reminded Dae of the struggle she faced. Some of the joy slipped from her face, and she took a moment to collect herself before responding. “I was well cared for, I promise. The Jaharri were very kind to me; they treated my wounds and nursed me back to health. When I wept with longing for my home, they comforted me; when I feared I’d face further abuses, they assured me I was safe with them…that I’d never be hurt again.”
“Yes, well…” Her father waved a hand as if to dismiss her words. “I’m relieved those barbarians were able to rise above their more brutal tendencies…even if they couldn’t do the same with their amoral appetites.”
“Please, Father, it wasn’t like that! Gods, there’s so much I have to tell you…so much I need to explain—”
“No, child. Jarod has already explained everything.” He turned away from her slightly, his posture growing more rigid. “And whatever happened, whatever you experienced at the hands of those people…it’s in the past now. I know it won’t be easy, but you can put this whole ordeal behind you and move on. You’re home and safe again. We need never speak of…” He cleared his throat, as though the words he wanted to speak left a foul taste in his mouth. “…of what you were forced to endure.”
“Forced?” Dae took a small step back, releasing her mother’s hand and looking closely at each of them. For so long she had feared seeing that anticipated look of disgust and shame in her parent’s faces, but what she found instead was somehow worse: pity. “I was never ‘forced’ to do anything,” she said, knowing she needed to make this point very clear if she was to have any hope of making them understand. “Yes, I was brought into the harem, but they treated me with respect and compassion…and no hand was ever laid upon me that I did not invite.”
“You don’t need to defend them, Dae. They can’t ever hurt you again,” said her father.
“I’m sure it was difficult, darling, to be all alone and so afraid…trapped in that place with those…those women,” her mother added quickly, apparently trying to reassure her. “You must have been so terribly confused. We don’t blame you for doing what you felt you needed to do to survive.”
Now Dae felt the first wash of anger roll over her. She pushed it back firmly, trying to stay calm. “Is that what you think? That I allowed myself to be seduced out of a sense of obligation? Or perhaps you believe I was coerced or tricked?”
“The Jaharri are well known for their cunning and deceitful nature, Dae,” her father assured her earnestly. “I’m sure they were very clever, that they told you their lust was a compliment to you…made you feel you had no choice but to comply. We understand you were too innocent to withstand their manipulations and lies. They’re greedy savages, little more than animals indulging their base urges.”
She had expected this, was quite familiar with the prejudices of her people, having copied them herself until recently. But still, their ignorance was all the more infuriating in light of her experiences among the Herak—the “barbarians” who had welcomed her so openly into their tribe. “The Jaharri are not savages!” she said, struggling to keep her voice from rising. “They’re honorable people, more civilized than many I have known. And I was certainly not manipulated into doing anything! Zafirah loves me; she’s an honorable woman—”
“Zafirah, yes,” her father interrupted, his expression darkening at the name. “We heard how she poisoned your mind and drew you to her bed with lies…corrupted your virtue and took advantage of your youth and innocence! Are those the actions of an honorable woman?”
Her anger grew stronger, drowning any sense of embarrassment or awkwardness she might have felt in a tide of fury. Dae’s knuckles whitened as she balled her fingers into fists. It took an effort for her to maintain her composure. “That’s not true,” she said, grinding the words between grit teeth. “My innocence was respected and my virtue given freely.”
“You’re just confused—”
“Zafirah and I are married. She is my wife—”
“You cannot be married to a woman, Dae.” Her father’s voice was gentle but condescending, as though he were speaking to a child who had made a claim so preposterous it strained credulity. “It’s just a trick this heathen played to keep you tied to her bed. Such a thing would be an unnatural—not to mention unlawful—perversion. Deep down you must realize that.”
“I assure you, Father, such a joining is quite legal and commonly practiced among the Jaharri.”
“But you aren’t Jaharri, Dae. You were stolen from us by evil men, then brought into a den of debauchery where they twisted your mind with their lewd ideals. But that’s over now. You’re back where you belong, with your family, in civilized lands.”
“No father, please, that’s what I’m trying to tell you! I belong with Zafirah in El’Kasari!” She saw the pity in his eyes again and felt frustrated at her inability to make him see the truth. “The desert is my home now, I-I’m happy there. I want to go back.”
She might as well have expressed a yearning to leap off a cliff. Her mother looked horrified. “You don’t mean that, darling! You just…you can’t mean that!”
“If you refuse to send me back, then Zafirah will come to find me! She’ll bring her army into these lands and demand that I be returned.”
Her father snorted derisively. “Impossible! Those Jaharri rats never leave their precious desert, and if they did the Royal Guard would soon chase them back into the sands, crying for their wretched goddess to save them.”
Dae hurriedly continued over her father’s words. “You need to send a messenger at once to let Zafirah know I’m safe, and to reassure her I’ll be returned to her side as soon as we have had a chance to talk. If you don’t—”
“No, Dae! I’ve heard enough!”
Dae’s mother was wringing her hands nervously, looking from Dae to her father and back again helplessly. “But Richard—”
“I said no!” He turned away slightly, back stiff and arms folded across his chest. “You will go to your room, Dae…and you shall remain there until you feel you’re ready to discuss this matter in a more reasonable tone.”
Dae trembled with fury. “I am not some child to be dismissed,” she said indignantly. “I know it may be difficult for you to accept that I chose to lay with Zafirah freely, Father, but it’s the truth—”
“I won’t hear this!” His hand cut through the air in an angry, sweeping gesture, as though to wipe her words from existence. “I am your father, and no daughter of mine would ever debase herself willingly! They may have defiled your body and poisoned your mind, Dae, but I won’t stand here and listen to you defend their actions! They had no right to keep you from us! I won’t allow them to turn you against your own family!”
“To hear you speak, it sounds almost as though you would rather Zafirah had not rescued me. That you’d prefer I’d been taken by a man against my will, then know I had lain with a woman willingly.”
Her father opened his mouth, hesitated…and in his pause Dae felt an icy blade plunge into her heart.
“Dae, no—”
His pause had only lasted a second or two before he found the words of denial, but it was too late; the wound had been inflicted and there was no undoing the damage. Dae turned away, scarcely able to draw breath, clutching at her chest as though she had been physically struck. She felt the shock pass, but in its passing came a wave of fatigue. She felt tired. Tired of defending herself and her love, tired of hearing these hurtful things.
“Is that it, Father? You would rather I’d been raped by a man than fucked by a woman?” The crude word made her father flinch, and she was glad. “Would that be less of a disgrace for you to bear?”
“No, Dae, of course not! I never…” His eyes were filled with regret. “That’s not what I—”
“Well, I’m sorry to disappoint you, but I gave myself to Zafirah with nothing but joy. And as long as we’re being honest, she wasn’t the only woman to enjoy the pleasures of my ‘innocence.’ I’ve fucked several women…” She saw his face darken and felt a savage, bitter joy erase the cold sting, knowing her words could hurt him as deeply as his had hurt her. “…and when I am returned to the desert where I belong, I’m sure I will fuck many, many more.”
She turned and crossed the chamber, flung the doors wide and swept out into hallway beyond, leaving them staring after her in helpless, wounded bewilderment. The guards, exchanging confused looks, fell into step behind her as she scooped up the small rucksack containing the outfit Rashida had given her and made her way up to the second floor of the house to her old bedroom. Once inside she closed and locked the door, releasing a deep sigh and closing her eyes in an effort to quell her roiling emotions. When she opened her eyes again and looked around, she couldn’t help but smile sadly.
The room was just as she’d left it. Nothing had been moved; an unfinished painting she’d been working on was still on the desk, brushes poking out of a jar beside it. Her bed was made, the last book she’d been reading left open on the cover. Exhausted after her long and stressful journey and the tumultuous reunion with her parents, Dae lay down and stared a long while up at the ceiling.
Had she expected the meeting to go any different? Not really. In fact, she supposed, it could have gone much worse. Carnal relationships between women were not simply frowned upon in the Heartland, they were outlawed. Dae had little knowledge of the penalties applied to those who indulged their desires, but as unpleasant as her reunion had been, she guessed a more official reception might well have seen her leaving in shackles.
A sob shook her, then another, and before long Dae was crying openly, her stomach aching with grief as the tears soaked her pillow. She wept a long time, curling onto her side and bringing her knees up under her chin, letting her sorrow have free rein.
Eventually the shudders eased and her tears abated. When she was finished Dae felt better; cleaner, somehow, as though all the anger and bitter frustration had been drained, leaving her calm and empty. Emotionally wrought, she closed her eyes and was soon drifting into a fitful but restorative slumber.
* * *
How long she slept she didn’t know, but when Dae next opened her eyes, the room was dark and the air had turned bitterly chill. Shivering, she rose from the bed and moved around the room, lighting some of the half-burned candles scattered about on the shelves and tables. The familiar routine brought another sad smile to her face; she fondly recalled the afternoons spent with her mother making these candles. Simone came from a family of devoted apiarists, and after her marriage to Richard she’d carried the tradition with her to the Everdeen estate, harvesting honey and wax from her collection of beehives. It was a hobby she’d shared with her daughter, and Dae had always associated the smell of burning beeswax with the feeling of love she felt for her mother.
In the warm light she looked around the room that had once been her sanctuary, inspecting all her old possessions. Some things, like the collection of stuffed animals piled in a corner on the bed, or the clever little mechanical toys her father had bought her which she’d lined up carefully on one of the shelves, she now recognized as the last vestiges of a childhood that had perhaps lingered too long. Seeing them again, Dae was reminded of just how much she’d matured since leaving this place.
But there were other things she had yearned for during her time in El’Kasari, particularly her old books and art supplies. Such things were difficult to acquire in the desert city, and since storytelling was such an intrinsic part of Jaharri culture, she’d often thought how much the other pleasure-servants might enjoy hearing some of the tales that had inspired her own imagination growing up. Tracing her fingertips over the rows of books neatly arranged on the shelves, reading their titles, Dae thought perhaps some good might come from this unexpected return to her homeland. When she returned to the desert again, it would be nice to take with her the things she wanted to keep. She began picking a few books off the shelf, sorting through which stories might be popular with her friends in the harem.
Before long, a knock at the door interrupted her sorting. “Dae? Are you awake?” Her mother’s voice sounded hesitant, uncertain.
She sighed, wondering if she should stay silent and feign sleep.
“I brought you some food. I thought you might be hungry…”
Dae’s stomach rumbled at the mention of food, and she realized just how famished she was. It had been at least a day since she’d last eaten. Her trepidation over the reunion with her family had effectively killed her appetite, especially as they’d traveled through landscapes that grew increasingly familiar to her. She slid the catch on the lock aside and opened the door.
Her mother offered a tentative smile, presenting her a tray laden with dinner—thick slices of ham, boiled potatoes and peas, carrots, and a cob of sweet corn slathered in butter. Dae returned the smile wearily and accepted the tray with a quiet, “Thank you.”
“May I come in? I hoped we might talk a little.”
“With respect, Mother, I’m not really in the mood to hear more offenses against myself or the woman I love.” Her mother’s smile vanished, and there was a wounded look in her eyes. Dae sighed. “I’m sorry. I don’t want to fight, really, but what more is there to say?”
“Please, Dae, your father feels terrible about losing his temper like that. He didn’t mean to hurt you. I thought…” She held out her hands imploringly. “I thought you and I could speak together alone. Please…you could always talk to me. I know this is difficult but…I do want to understand, Dae. I’m trying.”
Dae shrugged and gestured for her mother to enter. She didn’t have any energy left for continued hostility, and had never been good at staying mad at her parents. Sitting down on the bed, she allowed her mother to join her. “Father did not seem in an understanding frame of mind,” she said, unable to repress a snarky tone.
“You can’t expect us not to react, Dae. You were always such a good girl, so sweet and innocent. Now…” Simone shook her head. “You’ve changed so much. What happened to the girl who blushed every time we discussed our plans for your wedding, sweetheart?”
“You expected I would stay a child forever? I grew up a lot after I was taken…matured. Is that so surprising?”
“No…but it’s more than that. What happened to you in that…that place?”
“You know what happened, mother. I’m sure your man Jarod gave you a full accounting.”
“He told us certain…things, yes. But it’s your story, Dae.” Timid hands folded over hers. “I’d like to hear it from you.”
After a long period of silence, Dae said quietly, “It’s not a tale you’d understand.”
“You say that, but I’m here, Dae. I’m listening. Help me understand.”
Her mother was looking at her expectantly, and Dae shifted on the bed to face her more directly, letting her fingers grip her hand for comfort. It was a reasonable enough request, and likely her best opportunity to give meaningful voice to the changes in her perception. Dae inhaled slowly, wondering where to start. “When I first woke in the harem,” she began quietly, “and I learned where I was and why…why I had been brought there, I was petrified. I’d heard stories about such places and feared for certain I’d be raped. And when I learned that it was a woman who had taken me as a pleasure-servant—”
“Pleasure-servant?”
Dae paused. “I suppose you could think of it like…a type of courtesan. And I felt everything you might expect—disgusted, terrified, confused. But when I met with Zafirah, I saw at once that she was an honorable woman…that although she desired me, she would never force me to submit to her against my will. The Jaharri aren’t the savage brutes you told me they were. Such a violation is as offensive to their sensibilities as to yours. And Zafirah made it clear I wasn’t her captive or slave; she had rescued me…and by the laws of her people, she had the right to demand a term of service from me. I wanted to come home, to at least send you a message, but it wasn’t possible…not at the time.
“When the other women in the harem saw how alone I felt, how sick with longing for my home and for you and Father, they comforted me, did all they could to make me feel accepted and welcome. One girl in particular—her name is Inaya—cared for me as I recovered from exposure and dehydration. She was nothing like what I’d expected from the things I’d heard of the desert people; she was insightful, compassionate, beautiful. Over time we became close friends. She helped me to see I was safe, taught me about life in the palace…and in the harem. And as we grew closer, she began sharing more about…about the other things the girls did together in private.”
“But we taught you about such sins, didn’t we? We told you how immoral, how shameful, such fruitless lusts are. I can’t imagine how confusing that must have been.”
“It was a shock at first, yes, seeing women so openly express their desire for one another…and for me. They offered to show me pleasure, to help me understand their lust and passion, but I was never coerced or tricked into doing anything against my will. When I refused their offers, the other girls accepted that I had no intention of being intimate with them. But still they did everything they could to make me feel comfortable, to help me feel at peace in my new home.” Dae could tell from the skeptical look on her mother’s face that she had difficulty believing her words, but she didn’t interrupt.
“At first, I was nervous of their company, wary of accepting the friendship they offered so readily. But the more I learned of them, the more I wondered about all the things they shared between them…and the desire they felt for me no longer seemed so unwelcome. Over time, I began to change.”
“Change? How?”
“It’s…difficult to explain…” Dae struggled to find the words to help her understand. “It was as if there was a seed inside me,” she said at last, speaking slowly, finding the right words to describe her experiences. “…something that had always been there, buried so deeply I’d never even known it existed. But I could feel it stirring within me. Their desire watered that seed, brought it to life, even though at first I tried to ignore it. But as I grew closer to Zafirah and to the others in the harem, I felt its roots spreading through me. It didn’t happen quickly, but I started wanting—needing—to understand the things it made me feel. The first time Zafirah kissed me…” Simone tensed, her lips drawn into a tight, disapproving line, but Dae continued, her words spilling out faster now. “…it was like standing in the sunlight after living my whole life in darkness! She was fire and hunger and all those secret things born of passion you had kept locked away from me! I longed for her touch, ached with desires I’d never felt, didn’t understand.”
Simone had half turned away from her, but Dae grabbed her arm, pleading for her to hear everything she needed to say.
“You taught me it was wrong, that this seed was a sin, and I felt guilty for letting it grow. But when it finally flowered I realized you were mistaken. The things you had told me couldn’t be true…because what bloomed in my heart was more beautiful than anything I could have imagined.”
“Dae, no—”
“You said you want to understand, Mother. That you wanted to hear the truth of what happened. Well, there it is…as well as I can explain. I know you want me to say I’m ashamed, that I’m sorry for what happened and for the things I’ve done, but the fact is I’m not. You want me to say I was manipulated by those women, that I was too naive to realize they were corrupting me…but that’s not true either. They seduced me, yes, and I don’t deny it, but there was never anything coercive about it…and frankly it’s more than a little insulting that you would think I could be so easily led down a path I did not wish to travel!”
“But she took your innocence, darling! Stole your virtue! Can’t you see that?”
“They took nothing from me, only showed me the truth of myself. They helped me understand there was nothing wrong with the desire I felt… guided me in unlocking pleasures I never knew existed.”
“But you were to be married! We’d made all the arrangements, found you a good man who could take care of you, give you the life you deserve—”
“A man I’d never met? Didn’t love? Why can’t you see that I’m happy? That I’ve found a life that gives me all the joy you ever wanted me to have, with a partner who cares for me, adores me. Someone whose eyes light up at the sound of my voice, who can’t help but smile every time she looks at me!”
“She! A woman, Dae…that’s not love! It’s unnatural!”
Dae shook her head. “Nothing in my life has ever felt as right or as pure as the bond I share with Zafirah. And when I gave myself to her, when I accepted her love and returned it in kind…I knew I never wanted our bond to be severed.”
Her mother was looking at her with that same expression of wounded confusion she’d worn before, as though Dae were describing something so alien, so utterly unthinkable, her mind could simply not process the explanation. “You can’t mean that, darling,” she said in a soft but fervent voice. “I know you, and I can’t believe the daughter I raised could ever willingly embrace such a…a corruption.”
“I’m not asking for your consent or understanding, Mother. Frankly, I don’t much care what you think of me. You said you wanted to hear my story, but I can see it in your eyes…you’re just trying to figure out how you can fix me. Why can’t you see that I’m not broken? I’ve learned so much in El’Kasari, experienced so many joys and freedoms…and I won’t allow your ignorance or prejudice to taint the beauty of everything I’ve found.”
“Beauty? No, Dae, you’re just confused…but in time I know you’ll come to realize—”
But Dae held up her hand to forestall further arguments. “No,” she stated firmly. “You said you wanted to hear what happened, and now you have. Time won’t change me back into the daughter you remember; I’m not that person anymore. And more importantly, I don’t want to be that person anymore. I like who I am, who I’ve become.”
“But we can help you, Dae. We can put all this behind us, your father and I forgive you—”
“Forgive me?” Dae laughed without humor. “I don’t need your forgiveness, Mother. I’ve done nothing wrong! And I don’t need your permission to feel the things I feel! One way or another, I will be returned to Zafirah’s side.”
Tears were falling down her mother’s cheeks now, her eyes pleading, desperate. “Please, Dae, don’t say that—”
“I think you should go,” Dae said, turning away slightly. “As I’ve said, I don’t want to fight anymore…and I’d rather be alone right now.”
Simone remained silent and unmoving for a long while, but finally she rose from the bed and made her way to the door, her footsteps pausing several times as though she wanted to turn back. Dae could feel her confusion and pain, but as much as she would have liked to offer comfort, her own emotions were still too raw. But just as her mother opened the door, Dae looked back to her and asked, “Did Jarod happen to mention where I was when he took me?”
Simone stopped and turned, confused. “I’m sorry?”
“Jarod…did he tell you where he ‘liberated’ me from?”
“I believe he mentioned a camp of some sort…far out in the wastelands.”
“And did he explain why I was there? Why we’d traveled out into the deep desert?”
Simone shook her head. “Not that I recall—”
“We were there so Zafirah could introduce me to her mother, Rashida. So I could meet her family and bond with the people she grew up with. And when her mother first saw me, do you know what she did? She took me in her arms…embraced me. Called me ‘daughter.’ I was a stranger from a distant land, but she accepted me without a moment’s hesitation.” Dae felt tears pricking the corners of her eyes. “It hurts…knowing you’ll never embrace my partner that way.”
Before the tears could fall or her mother could open her mouth to protest, Dae turned away once more, picked up the plate of food and set it on her lap. She felt her mother watching her, pained and stricken, then heard footsteps and the door click shut behind her.