Xena: Warrior Princess

 

“For Whom the Bell Tolls ”

Episode 47

by

Bard

Editor

Bleu Gato

 

 

Xena: Warrior Princess is copyright MCA/Universal and Renaissance Pictures. All original content of Xena: Warrior Princess 2.0 is copyrighted by the author and is not to be used or modified without permission. All rights reserved.

Contact: bard@xena2.com

Blog: www.xena2.com/blog

 


 

TEASER

FADE IN:

EXT. AEGEAN SEA COAST – FORESTED CLIFFS – LATE AFTERNOON

The cover grows sparser and scrawnier the closer to the edge one approaches and the sea can be heard in the distance, storming the land's stony bulk. Xena and Athena rest in the small depression, sheltered from the brisk wind chasing its tail thru the maze of branches. Argo does not have that luxury and instead concentrates on scarfing down greenery. Every so often, she pauses and seems to cast baleful looks at Xena, tugging at the heartstrings. Athena smirks at Xena each time it happens and Xena averts her eyes from Argo and tosses sticks and twigs at the Goddess in retribution.

Interrupting the lazy routine, Gabrielle ghosts into their company, bringing with her a sizable package of berries, roots, and nuts, the tempting mix wrapped in leaves. Both women stand in greeting and, without much ceremony, the bard simply hands the gatherings to her wife.

Thus done, Gabrielle gives Athena a quick kiss and starts to melt back into the forest to deliver more substantial fare. Athena stops her, spinning the bard around. She selects a nice, ripe berry and feeds her wife. The Goddess garnishes the gesture with a passionate kiss. This time, once released, Gabrielle is practically skipping with joy. Xena and Athena can hear her good ways into the woods, highly unusual for the silent hunter.

Athena, supremely satisfied with the effect she has on her wife, smugly

ATHENA

That's how you kiss a girl.

Xena pouts and gets a kiss on the cheek that stains her. Athena laughs and takes a seat, while Xena rubs at her skin, making it worse. Giving up, she sits down cross-legged across from the Goddess. Athena puts the impromptu green basket with goodies between them.

Without warning, Athena wets her thumb and scrubs the juice from Xena's cheek, like a mother is oft to do with a child. Thinking nothing of it, she digs into the snack while Xena remains frozen, unsure what just happened.

Seeing Xena remain immobile, the Goddess picks a nut and mischievously bounces it off Xena's forehead. That wakes up Xena immediately and she growls.

Athena, hand feeding Xena a plump berry, signaling regret

ATHENA

Truce?

Xena, swiftly grabbing and trapping Athena's hand, still near her lips, evilly

XENA

So, just how do you kiss a girl, Athena?

The expression on Athena's face is priceless, alternating between surprise and panic. It lasts until Xena bursts into laughter and gives the game away. Athena chuckles, realizing she been had.

Xena, kissing the back of Athena' hand before releasing it, charming

XENA

Forgive me?

Athena, playfully chiding

ATHENA

At least have the courtesy to wait, you snake.

XENA

I learned long ago to bet on Gabrielle; she comes through.

ATHENA

You that confident?

Xena, assured

XENA

Lao Ma is good, but she is not Gabrielle good. No one is; I faced the best and she is the only one to humble me consistently. She doesn't fight the way you and I do. By the time you realize you are in a battle with her, you already lost; sneaky bard.

Athena, agreeably

ATHENA

She does bring that and more.

Pause.

Athena, adding mysteriously

ATHENA

Secrets part company around her.

Xena, astutely judging that Athena is hiding something, shrewdly

XENA

You believe in wife above all others so what is it? Is there something that concerns her she is not aware of?

Pause.

Xena, sure now, pressing

XENA

There is.

Athena, caught, bluntly confessing

ATHENA

I am in trouble with the wife.

Xena, thrown off initially and then recovering nicely

XENA

Huh? Ah, hearing voices thing?

ATHENA

I took your advice and told her everything. It led to mutual worship.

Xena, sighing

XENA

With you two, what doesn't these days?

Athena, philosophically

ATHENA

Live the life you have, today; worry what the next day brings when it does, tomorrow.

XENA

True.

In the background, Gabrielle emerges from the forest, carrying a fresh kill on her shoulders. Her leather armor, tunic, and skin are bloody. She is about to speak to the two women absorbed in conversation when Xena beats her to it.

Xena, not noticing that they have a witness, leaning in, conspiratorially

XENA

So, what did you do?

Athena, guiltily

ATHENA

It is what I didn't. I kept something from her.

Gabrielle goes completely still, a human statue topped with a dead deer.

XENA

Gabrielle is forgiveness.

Athena, in small voice, barely audible

ATHENA

Lila's life mate is Teresia.

Xena, whistling

XENA

You are in big trouble.

Athena, visibly glad to unload the unwelcome news on someone, wearily

ATHENA

At first I was worried about telling her. Now I worry about that and me knowing without telling.

Xena, unable to hide her curiosity, eager in her chance

XENA

Athena, what happened between them?

Athena, after a slight hesitation, carefully

ATHENA

… Gabrielle told me it was mutual. If I pressed her, she would tell me the truth but …

Pause.

Athena, vulnerable

ATHENA

Xena, I rather not know. I rather I was Gabrielle's first and only.

In the background, tears stain Gabrielle's face. Regret? Love?

XENA

Do you wonder if I and her …?

Athena, admitting quietly

ATHENA

… Yes.

Xena, putting Athena's mind at ease, honestly

XENA

I wish; not even a kiss. I firmly believe Teresia was a gift of love and not love and you are the first person she fell in love with. Athena, don't dwell on the past.

Athena, deflecting with humor, lightly

ATHENA

Family reunions will be awkward.

Xena, joking

XENA

I can sleep with Teresia if that helps things.

ATHENA

Afraid not.

XENA

Lila?

ATHENA

No.

XENA

Gabrielle?

ATHENA

Now you being an ass.

Xena, deadpan

XENA

That sentiment has come up.

Pause.

Xena, turning serious

XENA

Tell her.

Athena, stalling

ATHENA

That simple?

Xena, exasperated

XENA

With Gabrielle? Yes.

Xena sees that the message is not getting thru.

Xena, fed up, puts her foot down, angry and passionate

XENA

Athena, look: you had a spirited fight with the wife over the healing and since then run meek. You avoid any controversy and treat her like a fragile vase that will shatter into fragments with the slightest wrong touch. This is a woman who goes into the teeth of death repeatedly, a force of nature who won't anyone or anything stand between her goals, and a loving heart bearing regally under burdens that would destroy lesser mortals. Gabrielle is beyond strong; you insult her by coming to me. You might be a Goddess but you are a coward!

Pause.

XENA

And I, of all people, would know.

The sound of a small carcass hitting the ground brings Xena and Athena to their senses. They spin to face the bard, standing there for who knows how long. The streaks marking the passage of her sorrow are not encouraging.

Gabrielle, ordering sternly

GABRIELLE

Xena, meat.

Xena does not have to be told twice, glad to have something for her hands to do and an excuse to get out of the storm about to hit. She rushes to the animal and taking out a knife, starts butchering. Her head is down and eyes intent on the task, but you get the impression that she is very much involved in the scene behind her.

Gabrielle walks past Xena and approaches the rapidly shrinking Athena until they are face to face. The bard takes the Goddess' chin in her right hand and lifts it; Gabrielle and Athena are eye to eye and there is nowhere to run.

Gabrielle, very deliberate, calmly yet firmly

GABRIELLE

What she said: everything on the table.

FADE OUT:

END OF TEASER

 

 

 

ACT ONE

FADE OUT:

INT. VILLAGE – TAVERN – MIDMORNING

The layout is typical of such establishments: tables, benches, counter. What differs is the composition of occupants. In addition to the usual VILLAGERS, half the place is taken up by a WARLORD and his retinue. A dozen THUGS are spread out: few accompanied by bored-looking HARLOTS, all fronted by food and lots of mead. The WARLORD'S table is empty save for a SCOUT.

WARLORD, frustrated

WARLORD

How do you miss Xena? Are you blind?

SCOUT, insisting

SCOUT

It was the Chosen – the blood armor is unique. There was another woman, too short, a horse, likely Argo, and a large, black dog, no idea there. They are lovers, she cannot be far behind.

WARLORD, thoughtfully

WARLORD

We have a problem then.

Pause.

WARLORD, taking out a few coins and tossing them to the SCOUT

WARLORD

Fetch Joxer. The only person that gets close to those two is an innocent or a fool. And we took care of the first in this village.

CUT TO:

INT. VILLAGE – TAVERN – LATE MORNING

Joxer is a mismatch of armor pieces, clashing in style, design and condition. Some of it is purely ornamental and the rest worn used. Over the tunic he sports a dented bronze breastplate and backplate. There is a bracer and vambrace, no greaves, leather skirt that has so many colors it hurts the eyes, decorative and mismatched upper arm armbands, and his head is topped by an open-faced bascinet. Joxer's legs are bare and he wears sandals. He simply looks ridiculous but at least he is armed.

THUGS shove Joxer around when he tries to make his way to the WARLORD'S table and he ends up being passed from one THUG to another, bouncing his way forward before falling to the ground at WARLORD'S feet. Derisive laughter and food pelt him in equal measure. He maintains his dignity and stands up, unperturbed by the treatment.

WARLORD, handing him the dagger handle first, sternly

WARLORD

Xena is coming up the coast. Finish her and your accounts are cleared and you are in.

Joxer, taking the dagger, wary

JOXER

Warrior Princess?

WARLORD, dismissively

WARLORD

Has been; get close and bury the blade I gave you.

Joxer, pompously

JOXER

Joxer the Mighty will smite the foul villain in single combat. Once I find her, it won't be long before she-monster tastes my justice!

WARLORD, not impressed

WARLORD

Great, you do that. Don't forget: wait for the right time and then end her. Remember this: if she won't, I will.

Pause.

WARLORD, to nearby THUGS

WARLORD

Throw it out.

Two beefy THUGS pick Joxer up by his arms and drag him to the entry door. Opening it, they toss him outside. The hapless Joxer rolls in the dirt for an impressive distance, shedding a path of loose equipment, before finally coming to a stop.

CUT TO:

EXT. AEGEAN SEA COAST – TRAIL – AFTERNOON

The narrow track runs along rugged, rocky coast, coated with browned greenery. Few tenacious survivors of the bush and tree kind cling to unforgiving soil, leaving an open vista to admire, set against the blue of the sea.

It is a strange procession that crosses this terrain. Gabrielle walks side by side with Athena, followed by an enormous black sheep, and then Argo, bringing up the rear. Gabrielle wears her blood armor, Athena is in one of Gabrielle's tunics and Xena … is sheep.

Xena, starting the argument again, cranky

XENA

The wool is itchy, several something is chewing on my hide, and I cannot scratch.

ATHENA

Should have thought of that before taunting the Goddess of Wisdom.

Xena, starting argumentative and then really pouring on the sugar

XENA

Technically, I was gloating. Gabrielle? Best friend? Love of my life? Please?

Gabrielle, enjoying this, grinning

GABRIELLE

Sorry, you offended a deity not wife. I suggest penance and prayer. Groveling is not out of the question.

Pause.

Gabrielle, to Athena, questioning

GABRIELLE

Love?

Athena, with a straight face

ATHENA

Prostrating and wailing are all-time favorites.

Xena, sulking, as much as a sheep can

XENA

You are both evil.

Gabrielle, cheeky

GABRIELLE

Yes, you might have mentioned it once. How right you were.

Athena, cheerfully

ATHENA

Nope, first time here.

They are interrupted by Joxer charging down the trail towards them with his sword drawn.

Xena, sarcastically

XENA

Well, some things don't change.

CUT TO:

EXT. AEGEAN SEA COAST – TRAIL – AFTERNOON

Joxer comes to a screeching halt in front of Gabrielle and Athena. He appraises them both confidently.

Joxer, his eyes naturally settling on armed and armored Gabrielle, challenging

JOXER

You Xena?

Gabrielle, neutrally

GABRIELLE

Who's asking?

Joxer, puffing out his chest, grandly

JOXER

Joxer the Mighty!

The sheep laughs and Argo joins her, neighing; to their credit both Gabrielle and Athena hold the merriment, but it is close.

ATHENA

What's so mighty about you?

Joxer, stumped

JOXER

Well … uh … stuff.

GABRIELLE

Stuff?

JOXER

Mighty stuff.

Xena, mocking

XENA

Someone is lacking in trousers.

Joxer, doing a double take, baffled

JOXER

Did that sheep just talk?!

Pause.

JOXER

Did it insult my manhood?

Gabrielle, unable to help herself, mischievously

GABRIELLE

Baaaaah, that's crazy talk.

Athena, piling on

ATHENA

Everyone knows animals don't talk. But if they could …

Xena, supplying helpfully

XENA

Short stuff?

GABRIELLE

I am not touching that.

Xena, quipping

XENA

No one is.

Joxer lowers his sword, defeat apparent in his gesture. The symbolism does not go unnoticed, but only Xena gives voice to it.

Xena, naughty

XENA

Don't wilt under pressure, Joxer.

Joxer looks broken and Gabrielle takes pity on him, having decided he learned his lesson about attacking strangers on the road.

Gabrielle, by way of introductions, pointing at the ornery animal

GABRIELLE

That's Xena, the fleecy beast of ire.

Joxer, examining the black sheep closely, critically

JOXER

She hardly seems dangerous. Legends have her taller, deadlier … less woolly.

Athena, less than charitably

ATHENA

She got fat mouth.

Xena, offended

XENA

Uncalled for.

Gabrielle, sensibly

GABRIELLE

You are a sheep for a reason.

XENA

Oh, right.

Irritated, Xena approaches Joxer and headbutts his leg, upsetting his balance and dumping him unceremoniously on his behind. He drops his sword going down and scrambles away from the possessed animal on all fours, before jumping back to his feet.

Athena, intrigued

ATHENA

This has potential for hilarity.

Both Athena and Xena look at Gabrielle for permission. Joxer looks to her for help.

Gabrielle, humoring the two women, waving the contest on

GABRIELLE

No biting, no scratching, no eye gouging, no hooves below the belt, no hoof stomps, and no weapons.

Xena, stalking Joxer, predatory

XENA

Let's ramble.

It's fool versus sheep.

CUT TO:

EXT. AEGEAN SEA COAST – TRAIL – AFTERNOON

There is a slow motion shot of roaring Joxer launching himself at Xena's back from behind. In response, the sheep kicks out with hind legs and connects with his metal-covered chest. The hit is brutal and right on target. Joxer is stopped right in his tracks and flies backwards.

CUT TO:

EXT. AEGEAN SEA COAST – TRAIL – 10 SECONDS LATER/AFTERNOON

Xena is standing over Joxer, a single hoof pressed against his throat. He is on his back, and out of breath. There are two new, deep dents in his battered breastplate and a side strap has given up the ghost, the broken piece swinging forlornly.

Xena, basking in victory, pleased

XENA

I have many skills.

Athena, shaking her head, disapprovingly

ATHENA

Classic rookie mistake of confusing mounting with fighting.

GABRIELLE

I am speechless.

XENA

It does not mean what you think it means.

Gabrielle, shuddering

GABRIELLE

I rather not think about what Athena meant.

Xena, leaping away from Joxer in alarm, shouting

XENA

Change me baaaaaaaack! Change me baaaaaaaaack!

CUT TO:

EXT. AEGEAN SEA COAST – CAMP – EVENING

In the background, Gabrielle is licking the pot clean, between adding a little water to help the process; Joxer watches, fascinated.

Xena, human again, and Athena stand facing the sea, away from camp.

Athena, going first, apologetically

ATHENA

I am sorry for transforming you.

Xena, accepting with a nod, with remorse

XENA

Suggesting that you get to know yourself well when wife kicked you out of bedroll for a night was a dirty thing to say.

Pause.

XENA

But funny then.

ATHENA

Wasn't it; the few other innuendos that followed sealed the fluffy doom.

XENA

Oh.

Pause.

Xena, scratching, annoyed

XENA

I swear, something is still dining; wrath of Goddess indeed.

ATHENA

That, you are on your own.

Xena, yelling loudly

XENA

Gabrielle!

CUT TO:

EXT. AEGEAN SEA COAST – CAMP – LATE EVENING

Xena is in her underwraps, her exposed entirety covered in numerous red dots; she lies in her bedroll on her stomach. Gabrielle finishes the limbs and begins to spread the ointment on the main body.

Xena, shyly

XENA

Under too.

GABRIELLE

Under what?

Xena, whispering

XENA

Underwraps.

Gabrielle, unfazed by Xena's admission, to Joxer, sharply

GABRIELLE

Joxer, take a walk.

Joxer leaps to his feet and takes off in a hurry, having been caught staring.

Gabrielle, her words chasing loudly after him to avoid potential misunderstanding

GABRIELLE

Make it a long one.

Joxer quickens his steps, clearing the camp in record time.

Athena mopes restlessly on the edges of clearing; Gabrielle addresses her next.

GABRIELLE

Love, go to our bedroll and wait for me.

The Goddess dives under the covers of their bedding like her life depended on it.

Xena, purring as Gabrielle continues to apply the medicine, in bliss from sheer relief

XENA

Mmmm, things hot again?

Gabrielle, feeling rotten

GABRIELLE

They will be. I made a mistake; I became one of those horrible women in the village, denying her husband his rights.

Xena, chiding

XENA

Don't sleep with Athena because you have a duty to your wife.

GABRIELLE

I want to; I lost sight of that fact. It was not about that …

Xena, with insight, gently

XENA

It rarely is. Trust?

Gabrielle, sniffling, her eyes watery

GABRIELLE

Athena hurt me by going to you for confidence; repeatedly. That belongs to us first.

XENA

Relationships are sure complicated.

Gabrielle starts undoing Xena's upper underwraps.

GABRIELLE

Good thing we have trust.

Xena, closing her eyes, relaxed

XENA

Yes.

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT ONE

 

 

 

ACT TWO

FADE IN:

EXT. AEGEAN SEA COAST – FOREST – NIGHT

Joxer wonders the forest, tripping and mumbling curses under his breath. He nearly runs into Gabrielle, and startled, falls back.

Gabrielle, friendly

GABRIELLE

Lost?

Joxer, responding automatically and then common sense taps him on the shoulder

JOXER

Joxer the Mighty does not … yes.

Gabrielle, taking him by hand and leading back to camp, curious

GABRIELLE

Why Xena?

JOXER

I have debts with the local warlord, lodgings, food, and har… entertainment. His spy spotted you.

Gabrielle, not deterred

GABRIELLE

Still. Xena?

JOXER

Ancient myth and a woman; I figured bounty, fame, and respect.

Pause.

JOXER

She is very strong for a sheep.

Gabrielle, slightly embarrassed

GABRIELLE

Yeah, about that: she was cursed by the Goddess. Joxer, would you like to be a hero like us?

Joxer, proudly

JOXER

I am one! I have armor, sword, followers, and name that strikes fear: Joxer the Mighty.

Gabrielle, pouring water on the fire of his enthusiasm

GABRIELLE

Harlots don't count and you were bested by an animal.

JOXER

Warrior Princess is crafty but Joxer is …

Gabrielle, cutting in, cruel on purpose

GABRIELLE

… defeated in seconds by one sheep. Joxer the Joke.

Joxer stops walking without releasing Gabrielle's hand and the bard's movement is arrested. She faces him.

Joxer, upset

JOXER

Do you think that is all I am?

The moon breaks thru and lights the forest in silver. Gabrielle looks into Joxer's eyes briefly and then smiles at his soul. He blinks, confused.

GABRIELLE

You are a brave and good man …

Misreading her action for advances, Joxer tries to kiss her. He fails, badly, meeting air.

GABRIELLE

… and I'm taken.

Gabrielle resumes the walk, tagging him along, setting a brisk pace that ensures he is too busy trying not to fall to do anything stupid.

Joxer, dragged along and barely upright, persisting

JOXER

I can be discrete.

GABRIELLE

I like women.

JOXER

I do too.

GABRIELLE

Exclusively.

JOXER

How about Xena?

GABRIELLE

How about we work on Joxer the Hero first?

JOXER

You think I have a chance?

Abruptly, he goes down in a jumble of limbs and metal, his feet tangling on something. Or someone, for Gabrielle stays upright and unsurprised by his tumble. She stands over him, looking down.

Gabrielle, solemn

GABRIELLE

There is something you should know about me: I don't lie. Don't ask me questions you don't an answer to.

Gabrielle gives Joxer a hand and lifts him upright.

Gabrielle, forcefully

GABRIELLE

I expect the same from you.

Joxer, evading

JOXER

Joxer the Mighty Hero; it has a ring to it.

Gabrielle is a block of stone in front of him, the gaze burning him. There is nowhere to hide.

Joxer, taking out a dagger and handing it to Gabrielle, ashamed

JOXER

Barus, the local warlord …

Gabrielle snatches the dagger and secures it on her person.

Gabrielle, sincere

GABRIELLE

We fight for the greater good: the Xena you were paid to assassinate died last year in Potidaea.

Pause.

Gabrielle, looping their arms together, in bard voice

GABRIELLE

The nature of life being choice, I came down to the river to wash dirty clothes and ended up purifying a yearning soul …

They proceed with linked arms, Gabrielle spinning her tale of love and redemption to her rapt listener.

CUT TO:

EXT. AEGEAN SEA COAST – FOREST – NIGHT

Xena sits by the fire in armor, guarding the camp. Athena is asleep, buried deep into the blankets. Underwraps, armor, weapons, a tunic and a pair of shoes are strewn around the double bedroll. Xena looks at the Goddess and chuckles.

XENA

Forgiveness fuels the fire.

Xena turns her head to watch Gabrielle and Joxer enter camp. They break, with Gabrielle heading straight for Xena and Joxer lagging. The bard gives her friend a goodnight hug and makes for her wife. Kicking off the boots, Gabrielle sneaks into the bedroll and some shifting, noises, and giggles later, the married couple falls asleep in their usual position.

Joxer almost walks into the fire while observing the two women. Xena saves him from fiery death by grabbing and guiding him to a seat next to her.

Joxer, wide-eyed, stammering

JOXER

They … they … together …

XENA

Married.

Joxer digests this.

Xena, making conversation

XENA

You find what you were looking for out there?

Joxer, distracted

JOXER

What? Oh, yes and no; Gabrielle set me straight.

Pause.

Joxer, frowning

JOXER

If the warlord is there why are we here?

XENA

We wanted to hear your story and decide what to do before rushing in. Call it gut feeling, call it experience, call it what you will – life is short enough without giving death extra chances.

Joxer, defensively

JOXER

I wasn't going to do it, you know. Kill you.

Xena, taking no offense, pointing out the location of the items in question

XENA

Get some rest; we left blankets out for you.

Joxer stands up.

Joxer, looking at the mess around the double bedroll, uncomfortable

JOXER

Are they …?

Xena, taking delight in torturing Joxer, smartly

XENA

In the middle of the night? At dawn? Lunch break? Scouting break? Toilet break? Snack break? Before meals? After meals? Yes, Joxer. During meals? No, thank Gods. Any other questions?

Joxer slinks away, his face burning crimson red.

CUT TO:

EXT. VILLAGE – OUTSKIRTS – DAWN

Xena is inspecting and adjusting the fit of Joxer's armor on Gabrielle. The only change is the mask over the face but otherwise she looks similar, at least from afar. Closer, she is more toned and bulkier than Joxer, but people see what they want. Joxer, wearing Gabrielle's leather armor and skirt over his tunic, gapes openly at the bard and gets a slap on the back of his head from Xena.

XENA

You here to watch her, not ogle.

Gabrielle examines herself, testing the range of motion.

Joxer, seeing his outfit to its full effect and the bard making it work

JOXER

That's me?

Gabrielle, not doing him any favors, going for upbeat and not quite getting there

GABRIELLE

Well, laughter IS a weapon.

CUT TO:

EXT. VILLAGE – SHOPS – EARLY MORNING

Two THUGS harass the MERCHANTS and CRAFTSMEN lining up the street. The THUGS strut and preen for the women, who ignore them.

Seeing the indirect approach is not working, the THUGS pick a young girl and crowd her. The street goes silent and the activity halts, but the THUGS ignore the hush, thinking nothing of it. One THUG rips the basket from her hand; the other THUG plays with her hair. Suddenly, a tomato flies out of nowhere and the real reason for the silence is revealed.

Standing at one end of the street is masked Joxer, a more muscular version of him. Gabrielle is next to the vegetable stand and armed with produce. She is certainly not shy about sharing it, firing at will.

The THUGS bellow their rage and charge. The VILALGERS come alive, jeering and laughing as the two hopeless THUGS are pelted without mercy. It appears that more people are throwing than just Gabrielle posing as Joxer, but there is no sign of anyone else.

When the two THUGS finally make it thru the gauntlet of Mother Nature's bounty, they are worse for wear and smeared with juice and pulp. With murder on their mind, both THUGS draw swords. Gabrielle/Joxer easily parries both blades with hers and starts playing with them.

CUT TO:

EXT. VILLAGE – ALLEY – EARLY MORNING

Xena and Joxer creep away from the fight, her happy and him ecstatic.

Joker, grabbing Xena's arm, high on success

JOXER

Did you see? Did you see?!

XENA

Fun, wasn't it?

CUT TO:

EXT. VILLAGE – HOUSE – MORNING

A THUG pounds on the entry door, backed by three more behind him. A kick swings it open, taking him out and crashing his unconscious body into the other THUGS. Out comes Gabrielle/Joxer, wielding two soaked and twisted towels. She viciously lays into the THUGS, offering no quarter. The improvised weapons whirl and snap, landing harsh, humiliating blows that soon prove too much. Limping, the three THUGS escape towards the forest, leaving their comrade behind.

Xena and Joxer come out of the home, cautiously eyeing the deadly tools of war in Gabrielle's hands.

Xena, eyebrow raised

XENA

I have to ask …

Gabrielle grinning

GABRIELLE

The Elders did not want boys in Potidaea using fists on each other. I had a reputation – I was more boy than any of them.

XENA

You scare me sometimes.

Gabrielle, tossing Xena one of the towels, daring

GABRIELLE

First to ten wins lunch by hand.

Joxer backpedals, lest he become the target by not so accidental choice.

XENA

What are the rules?

Gabrielle explodes past Xena and lands a perfect strike on Xena's rear, which elicits a howl of outrage.

Gabrielle, innocently

GABRIELLE

Point.

XENA

Cheater!

Gabrielle connects again while Xena is busy protesting.

Gabrielle, impishly

GABRIELLE

Two.

Xena growls and declares war.

CUT TO:

EXT. AEGEAN SEA COAST – BROOK – LATE MORNING

Xena and Gabrielle, wearing tunics, are immersed up to their waists in cool, soothing water. Their upper bodies are beached on the shore, stomach down. Athena is feeding them lunch.

Athena, to Xena

ATHENA

You should be black and infested by rights.

Pause.

Athena, to Gabrielle

ATHENA

And you; you are a Chosen, not a silly village girl.

Xena, lamely

XENA

She started it.

GABRIELLE

You sore because you lost thirty seven to thirty six. Ha, sore.

XENA

Did not; first two don't count.

Athena abruptly gets up and departs, leaving the two to their argument.

GABRIELLE

Did too!

XENA

Did not!

GABRIELLE

Did too!

XENA & GABRIELLE

Athena!

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT TWO

 

 

 

ACT THREE

FADE IN:

EXT. VILLAGE – TAVERN – LATE AFTERNOON

Joxer, wearing Gabrielle's leather armor and studded skirt, marches down the dirt road towards the tavern. He tries to appear confident but his steps and posture suggest a man going to his execution. The VILLAGERS gather to witness.

Predictably, the tavern spills half a dozen THUGS and a SCOUT. They efficiently form a mob and, drawing swords, rush him as one. Joxer unsheathes his and ruins the effect by closing his eyes.

The massed group of THUGS and SCOUT is mere feet from tearing Joxer apart when a rope springs from the dusty ground. In the adjacent alley, Xena and Gabrielle pull the ankle-high surprise taut; the perfectly timed and coordinated moment could not be executed better.

The THUGS and SCOUT crash in a pile at Joxer's feet and he opens his eyes to find them laid out before him. He lowers his blade and the THUGS and SCOUT raise their hands in defeat. Joxer makes a motion with his head and the THUGS and SCOUT rise and flee the town, abandoning their leader. No sooner that is done when the VILLAGERS surround him, cheering and clapping him on the shoulder. He is not short on female adulation either, with many signaling interest.

Xena and Gabrielle are off to the side, letting Joxer be the hero this time.

CUT TO:

EXT. VILLAGE – TAVERN – LATE AFTERNOON

The door to the tavern bangs open and Barus strides out. It takes him a brief glance to figure out what happened.

Barus, screaming, enraged

BARUS

You!

VILLAGERS scatter, leaving Joxer on an island. He immediately implores Xena and Gabrielle for help and is denied with a firm shake of the head from each. It is not their fight.

Athena comes over to join her wife.

Gabrielle, shouting encouragements to Joxer

GABRIELLE

I believe in you. You can take him!

Joxer clearly does not share her faith. He and Barus meet halfway and right away it becomes evident that the warlord is mostly talk and Joxer is mostly nerves.

Barus is the first of the combatants to figure it out. He presses forward, swinging wildly, going for volume over technique in order to intimidate his opponent. Judging the initial flurry not sufficient, he places another hand on the pommel, adding power behind the fury that he hopes will see him to victory.

Joxer keeps backing up, giving up ground, but maintaining proper defense. Few small nicks show on his limbs but they are minor. Imperceptibly, he starts taking control of the fight. His guard tightens and he starts countering.

Barus, visibly tiring and breathing with mouth open, throws caution to the wind and leaves himself open as he strikes. Joxer takes the bait, pouncing on the opening like a duel-inexperienced swordsman he is. He pays for it as his left side explodes in crimson. He has enough presence of mind to retaliate and then collapses.

CUT TO:

INT. VILLAGE HOUSE – SPARE BEDROOM – 3 DAYS LATER/EVENING

Joxer opens his eyes slowly and the sight of Xena leaning over greets him.

Joxer, groaning

JOXER

It's you.

Xena picks him up and sets him down a little higher, leaving him propped up on the pillows.

JOXER

I'm alive? I must be.

Xena, dryly

XENA

Congratulations, you won your first duel unconscious. Try not get carted off next time.

JOXER

Barus?

Xena, not volunteering any extra information, cryptically

XENA

Dead and buried.

Joxer coughs and Xena hands him a cup of water, which he downs greedily.

Joxer, anxious and in pain

JOXER

How bad?

XENA

Month in bed. Not all of it alone; not if the local women have something to say about it.

Joxer, immediately

JOXER

Where can I find you?

XENA

We are taking a ship from Thrace to Damascus, then Silk Road overland to Chin and back.

JOXER

You need an extra sword?

Xena, indulging him, lightly

XENA

We need Joxer the Mighty. Get better.

Pause.

Xena, adding in a sterner manner

XENA

Gabrielle is your healer, I would listen to her.

Joxer, alarmed

JOXER

She changed …?!

Xena, smiling

XENA

Welcome to the people the bard has seen naked in the course of her duties. You secret or lack of it is safe with her. Word of advice: tone down the Mighty part around her if you can't live up to it or she won't stop giggling.

Joxer, mortified

JOXER

How long?

XENA

Three days. I hold the record.

Joxer, sentimental

JOXER

You are very lucky to have a friend like her.

Xena, accepting him, warmly

XENA

We, Joxer. We.

CUT TO:

EXT. THRACE DOCKS – AEGEAN SEA – 2 DAYS LATER/PREDAWN

Aboard an Athenian war quadrireme, Xena and Gabrielle are waiting for the sun to wake up. They are side by side, leaning on the rail. The ship flies east thru the water, the rhythmic motion of the oars propelling it away from Thrace and towards destiny.

Gabrielle, orating

GABRIELLE

Ulysses, wise son of Laertes
I can see that you wish to start home at once to your beloved land.
Do as you please and may good luck be with you.
But if you only knew how much suffering is in store for you
before you get back to your own country,
you would stay right here, to run this palace along with me,
where you would become immortal,
no matter how great desire you may have to see your wife,
of whom you are thinking all the time day after day.

Xena moves behind Gabrielle and she straightens. Xena wraps her arms around her best friend and rests her chin on top of the bard's head. They are soon joined by a third set of arms, Athena side hugging the pair and resting her cheek on Xena's shoulder. Together, the family watches the sunrise.

FADE OUT:

THE END

 

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